Satires and miscellaneous poetry and prose Edited by Renbe Lamar |
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UPON PHILIP NYE'S THANKSGIVING BEARD |
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 | Satires and miscellaneous poetry and prose |  |
139
UPON PHILIP NYE'S THANKSGIVING BEARD
A beard
is but the Vizard of a Face,
That Nature orders for no other Place;
The Fringe and Tassel of a Countenance,
That hides his Person from another Man's;
And, like the Roman Habits of their Youth,
Is never worn until his perfect Growth;
A Privilege, no other Creature has,
To wear a nat'ral Mask upon his Face,
That shifts its Likeness, every Day he wears,
To fit some other Persons Characters;
And by its own Mythology implies,
That Men were born to live in some Disguise.
That Nature orders for no other Place;
The Fringe and Tassel of a Countenance,
That hides his Person from another Man's;
And, like the Roman Habits of their Youth,
Is never worn until his perfect Growth;
A Privilege, no other Creature has,
To wear a nat'ral Mask upon his Face,
That shifts its Likeness, every Day he wears,
To fit some other Persons Characters;
And by its own Mythology implies,
That Men were born to live in some Disguise.
This satisfy'd a reverend Man, that clear'd
His disagreeing Conscience by his Beard.
H' had been prefer'd i' th' Army, when the Church
Was taken with a Why not? in the lurch;
When Primate, Metropolitan, and Prelates
Were turn'd to Officers of Horse, and Zealots,
From whom he held the most Pluralities
Of Contributions, Donatives, and Salaries;
Was held the chiefest of those spiritual Trumpets,
That sounded Charges to their fiercest Combats,
But in the desperatest of Defeats
Had never blown as opportune Retreats;
Until the Synod order'd his Departure
To London, from his caterwalling Quarter,
To sit among 'em, as he had been chosen,
And pass, or null things, at his own disposing;
Could clap up Souls in Limbo with a Vote,
And for their Fees discharge, and let them out;
Which made some Grandees bribe him with the Place
Of holding-forth upon Thanksgiving-Days,
Whither the Members, two and two abrest,
March'd to take in the Spoils of all—the Feast;
But by the way repeated the Oh-hones
Of his wild Irish and chromatic Tones,
His frequent and pathetic hums and haws,
He practis'd only t' animate the Cause,
With which the Sisters were so prepossest,
They cou'd remember nothing of the rest.
His disagreeing Conscience by his Beard.
H' had been prefer'd i' th' Army, when the Church
Was taken with a Why not? in the lurch;
When Primate, Metropolitan, and Prelates
Were turn'd to Officers of Horse, and Zealots,
From whom he held the most Pluralities
Of Contributions, Donatives, and Salaries;
Was held the chiefest of those spiritual Trumpets,
That sounded Charges to their fiercest Combats,
But in the desperatest of Defeats
Had never blown as opportune Retreats;
Until the Synod order'd his Departure
To London, from his caterwalling Quarter,
To sit among 'em, as he had been chosen,
And pass, or null things, at his own disposing;
Could clap up Souls in Limbo with a Vote,
And for their Fees discharge, and let them out;
Which made some Grandees bribe him with the Place
Of holding-forth upon Thanksgiving-Days,
140
March'd to take in the Spoils of all—the Feast;
But by the way repeated the Oh-hones
Of his wild Irish and chromatic Tones,
His frequent and pathetic hums and haws,
He practis'd only t' animate the Cause,
With which the Sisters were so prepossest,
They cou'd remember nothing of the rest.
He thought upon it, and resolv'd to put
His Beard into as wonderful a Cut,
And, for the further Service of the Women,
T' abate the Rigidness of his Opinion;
And, but a Day before, had been to find
The ablest Virtuoso of the Kind,
With whom he long and seriously confer'd
On all Intrigues, that might concern his Beard;
By whose Advice he sat for a Design
In little drawn, exactly to a Line:
That, if the Creature chance to have Occasion
To undergo a Thorough-reformation,
It might be born conveniently about,
And by the meanest Artist copy'd out.
His Beard into as wonderful a Cut,
And, for the further Service of the Women,
T' abate the Rigidness of his Opinion;
And, but a Day before, had been to find
The ablest Virtuoso of the Kind,
With whom he long and seriously confer'd
On all Intrigues, that might concern his Beard;
By whose Advice he sat for a Design
In little drawn, exactly to a Line:
That, if the Creature chance to have Occasion
To undergo a Thorough-reformation,
It might be born conveniently about,
And by the meanest Artist copy'd out.
This done, he sent a Journeyman Sectary,
H' had brought up to retrieve, and fetch, and carry,
To find out one, that had the greatest Practice,
To prune, and bleach the Beards of all Fanatics,
And set their most confus'd Disorders right,
Not by a new Design, but newer Light;
Who us'd to shave the Grandees of their Sticklers,
And crop the Worthies of their Conventiclers;
To whom he shew'd his new-invented Draught,
And told him, how 'twas to be copy'd out.
H' had brought up to retrieve, and fetch, and carry,
To find out one, that had the greatest Practice,
To prune, and bleach the Beards of all Fanatics,
And set their most confus'd Disorders right,
Not by a new Design, but newer Light;
Who us'd to shave the Grandees of their Sticklers,
And crop the Worthies of their Conventiclers;
To whom he shew'd his new-invented Draught,
And told him, how 'twas to be copy'd out.
Quoth he, 'tis but a false, and counterfeit,
And scandalous Device of human Wit,
That's absolutely forbidden in the Scripture,
To make of any carnal thing the Picture.
And scandalous Device of human Wit,
That's absolutely forbidden in the Scripture,
To make of any carnal thing the Picture.
Quoth th' other Saint, you must leave that to us,
T' agree what's lawful, or what scandalous:
For, till it is determin'd by our Vote,
It's either lawful, scandalous, or not;
Which, since we have not yet agreed upon,
Is left indiff'rent to avoid or own.
T' agree what's lawful, or what scandalous:
For, till it is determin'd by our Vote,
It's either lawful, scandalous, or not;
141
Is left indiff'rent to avoid or own.
Quoth he, my Conscience never shall agree
To do it, till I know what 'tis to be;
For, though I use it in a lawful Time,
What, if it after should be made a Crime.
To do it, till I know what 'tis to be;
For, though I use it in a lawful Time,
What, if it after should be made a Crime.
'Tis true, we fought for Liberty of Conscience
'Gainst human Constitutions in our own Sense;
Which I'm resolv'd perpetually t' avow,
And make it lawful, whatsoe'er we do;
Then do your Office with your greatest Skill,
And let th' Event befall us, how it will.
'Gainst human Constitutions in our own Sense;
Which I'm resolv'd perpetually t' avow,
And make it lawful, whatsoe'er we do;
Then do your Office with your greatest Skill,
And let th' Event befall us, how it will.
This said, the nice Barbarian took his Tools,
To prune the Zealot's Tenets, and his Jowles;
Talk'd on as pertinently, as he snipt,
A hundred times for every Hair he clipt;
Until the Beard at length began t' appear,
And reassume its antique Character,
Grew more and more itself, that Art might strive,
And stand in Competition with the Life:
For some have doubted, if 'twere made of Snips
Of Sables glew'd and fitted to his Lips;
And set in such an artificial Frame,
As if it had been wrought in Filograin,
More subtly fil'd and polisht than the Gin,
That Vulcan caught himself a Cuckold in;
That Lachesis, that spins the Threads of Fate,
Could not have drawn it out more delicate.
To prune the Zealot's Tenets, and his Jowles;
Talk'd on as pertinently, as he snipt,
A hundred times for every Hair he clipt;
Until the Beard at length began t' appear,
And reassume its antique Character,
Grew more and more itself, that Art might strive,
And stand in Competition with the Life:
For some have doubted, if 'twere made of Snips
Of Sables glew'd and fitted to his Lips;
And set in such an artificial Frame,
As if it had been wrought in Filograin,
More subtly fil'd and polisht than the Gin,
That Vulcan caught himself a Cuckold in;
That Lachesis, that spins the Threads of Fate,
Could not have drawn it out more delicate.
But b'ing design'd and drawn so regular,
T' a scrup'lous Punctilio of a Hair,
Who cou'd imagine, that it shou'd be portal
To selfish, inward-unconforming Mortal?
And yet it was, and did abominate
The least Compliance in the Church or State;
And from it self did equally dissent,
As from Religion, and the Government.
T' a scrup'lous Punctilio of a Hair,
Who cou'd imagine, that it shou'd be portal
To selfish, inward-unconforming Mortal?
And yet it was, and did abominate
The least Compliance in the Church or State;
And from it self did equally dissent,
As from Religion, and the Government.
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