University of Virginia Library

Rub and a great Cast.

Epigram. 1. Lectori quomodo legat.

Reader remember that I doe fore-warne thee,
Pry not into the secrets of my Pen.
See not; if thou seest ought, that seemes to harme thee,
Wrong not thy selfe; if I doe, blame me then:
Looke on, laugh on, and if I touch thy griefe,
Or tell the fault wherein thou hast beene filthy,
Let not thy knowledge cause thy mis-beliefe,
I name thee not, what need'st thou then cry Guilty?
The Cholericke descry their owne offence,
When like a gald-backt Iade scarce touch't they wince.

Epigram. 2. Me quoque vatem.

VVhy am I not an Epigrammatist?
I write in couert, and conceale their names,
Whose liues I burden with some bitter iest,
Themselues I cloake, and yet vn-clowd their shames.
Againe, me thinkes I am not shallow sprighted,
Nor seemes my wit so insufficient
(Although not like to others deepe-conceited)
It can indite, although not excellent.
The Reader laughes, this reason he rehearses,
The Ape likes her owne whelpes, and I my verses.

Epigram. 3. In Richardum primum, Regem.

Greater then great Alcides thee did grace,
The Lyons Heart, and not the Lyons Case.

Epigram. 4. O Tempora! O Mores!

Mihi si linguæ centum, oraque centum, ferrea vox esset. Virg.

Had I an hundred mouthes, as many tongues,
An Iron voyce; then should this Iron Age
Be mou'd, or I would thunder out their wrongs,
And breath out boysterous accents full of rage.
I would inueigh against fowle Usurers,
As those that liue by causing others wants;
I would defie the filthy Flatterers,
That shew themselues dissembling Sycophants.
The Lawyer too my lauish tongue should lash,
And Auarice should not auoid the scourge,
And with the Courtier would I haue a crash:
And most of all the Atheist would I vrge.
Yea euery one (as euery one is faulty)
Should bide the brunt of my all-biting tongue,
It should be no excuse t'alledge their frailty,
Suffiz'd, they sin'd, and I must tell the wrong.
Yet wel I wot, when words had done their worst
Lewd men (like Foxes) fare best when th'are curst.

Epigram. 5. In Bacchum.

Of all the old Gods Bacchus is the best,
And hath more fellowship then all the rest:
They haue their habitations on hye,
He loues not soaring so ambitiously;
For lofty dwelling he cares not a louse,
He likes the lowest part in all the house;
Each Cellar is his Amphitheater,
And is content to be compound with water,
And liues as earst Diogenes hath done,
Th'one in a Tubbe, the other in a Tunne.

Epigram. 6. In Superbum.

Svperbus sold a gallant Mannor place,
Himselfe with a new-fashion'd sure to grace.
Meant he himselfe an Elephant to make,
In carrying such a Castle on his backe.

Epigram. 7. In Castorem.

Castor complaines hee's mightily mis-vsed,
That he a Man, should beast-like be cornuted:
Content thee Castor, thou art not abused,
Eu'n Ioue himselfe was such a one reputed.
He horn'd, the better to beguile his loue;
Thou horn'd, the more thy loue be guileth thee:
Europa's carriage caused hornes in Ioue,
And thy wiues carriage causeth thine to be;
Onely in this thou hast him ouer-gone,
In that thy wife bare many, he but one.

Epigram. 8. In Mustapham.

Mustapha still amongst his company
Sweares Wounds and bloud how he will be reuenged
On such a one for his late villany,
Whom then, but for intreaty, he had swinged.
I heard him once tell such a tale as this,
Whereas by chance the party came in place;
Loe, whom he vowd to kill, he bowd to kisse,
Him with much curt'sie crouching to embrace.
Happy the man that had so milde a foe,
Who absent, kil'd him; present, kist him so.

Epigram. 9. Nec retinent patulæ, &c. In Garrulitatem.

Nay, to keepe counsell, this our Age excels,
To Lagus one a thing in secret told,
This to his friend in secret Lagus tels,
The which his friend to tell, his friend is bold,
In secret too; that friend vnto another,
Who makes a Mid-wife of the next he meetes
To tell his secret to; each makes a brother
Lightly on whomsoeuer next he hits.
Thus all abroad this secresie is blowne,
And yet in secret told to euery one.

Epigram. 10. In Fimum.

Fimus is Coach'd, and for his further grace
Doth aske his friends how he becomes the place.
Troth I should tell him the poore Coach hath wrong,
And that a Cart would serue to carry dong.

Epigram. 11. In Goslingum Puritænum Prædicatorem.

Gosling the Puritan held so excellent,
Ner'e quoteth Father, ner'e speakes Latine sentence,
Indeed the Scriptur's all-sufficient,
As he being aske told one of his acquaintance,
But wee who know him, know the cause was rather
He ner'e learn'd Latine, neuer read a Father.

Epigram. 12. In Photinum.

I met Photinus at the Chancelors Court,
Cited (as he said) by a knaue Relator:
I askt him wherefore, he in laughing sort,
Told me it was but for a Childish matter,
How er'e he laught it out, he lyed not,
Indeed 'twas Childish, for the Childe he got.

Epigram. 13. Quo ruis ab demens?

Londons progresse.

Why how now Babel, whither wilt thou build?
I see old Holborne, Charing-crosse, the Strand,
Are going to St. Giles his in the field;
Saint Katernes she shakes Wapping by the hand:
And Hoggesdon will to Hy-gate ere't be long.
London is got a great way from the streame,
I thinke she meanes to goe to Islington,
To eate a messe of straw-berries and Creame.
The Citty's sure in Progresse I surmise,
Or going to reuell it in some disorder
Without the Walles, without the Liberties,
Where she need feare nor Mayor nor Recorder.
Well, say she do; 'twere pretty, but 'twere pitty
A Middlesex Bayliffe should arrest the Citty.

Epigram. 14. In Rufum.

Priscus to Rufus for some filthy vsage
Did send a challenge by a peeuish boy,
The boy he beat that brought so bold a message
But No point field would Rufus par mafoy:
So haue I seene a dog oft bite the stone,
And not the man, by whom he sees it throwne

Epigram. 15. In Crantorem.

Crantor the Citizen long in dispaire,
For twenty yeares his barren wife teem'd not,
And now that shee hath brought him forth an Heire,
He's frollicke and a ioyfull man God wot.
Alas poore foole how vainely he reioyces
'Tis none of his if't go by most of voyces.

Epigram. 16. In Poetastrum & amicam suam putricem.

My little Litteratus hath a Squall,
A limned one, whom he doth Mistresse cal:
They eat, drink, talk, and laugh, and lye together,
And lawfull 'tis, and 'tis allow'd to either.
The reason is (who so desires to know it)
His Mistresse is a painter, hee a Poet.

Epigram. 17. In Hersilium.

Hersilius the Barber-Surgeon
Hates Lucy cause shee barbeth many one
And them so artificially doth trimme
That they need neuermore be shau'd by him:
This is the cause Hersilius doth hate her
But would the foolish man well weigh the matter
How tis his profite that shee plaies the Barber
His heart gainst her would no such hatred harbor:
What though she makes him loose a lowsy science,
Shee fits his Surgery with fatter Clients.

Epigram. 16. Of Tobacco ashes.

Tobacco for a Phœnix Will doth prize
Such vertues from the ashes of it rise:
His instance; Hee his whore and horse doth make
It scour'd her teeth, it skind his skabby backe.

Epigram. 19. In Leonatum.

The filthiest, the fowlst-deformed lasse
That is, will bee, I thinke or euer was
Leonatus loues, wherewith should she him draw,
Except as she's like iet, he be like straw.

Epigram. 20. In Cosmum.

Aske Cosmus why he is a Gentleman,
Hee tels what seruices his sire hath seene,
As when victorious Henry Bolleine wanne,
And when King Phillip tooke S. Quintius in:
His Vnkle was at th'rising in the North,
And did at Tilbery good reckoning cary;
Aske of himselfe he can bring nothing forth,
But thinkes their deeds, are his, hereditary?
And say he be a Gentleman therefore
Because he beares their Image and their name
Hee is but like the Asse that Isis bore;
They honour got hee-vnder-goes their fame,
And bearing thus what others brought to passe,
Hee's but his Fathers and his Vnkles Asse.

Epigram. 21. Sic transit Gloria.

Pride, and the Court; you make vs too vnthrifty;
Buy coach and horse: but what's the end of all,
What cost an hundred, sell againe for fifty,
And then my Gallants from their Chariots fall:
Fore-times but fabled of one Phaeton
You make ours testify of many one.

Epigram. 22. In Hylam puerum immaturè mortum.

Hylas a child, and dead, how should it come?
Surely his threed of life was but a thrum.

Epigram. 23. In Castriotem.

See, see, what loue is now betwixt each fist;
Since Castriotes had a skabby wrist,
How kindly they lye clawing one another
As if the left hand were the right hands brother.

Epigram. 24. In Marthum.

How oft haue I heard Martha make her boast
How she her husband vsde before she had him,
How palpably his patience she crost,
In plainer termes too what a Calfe she made him,
What since I heare not, but 'tis shrewdly ghest
The Calfe is since become a horned beast.

Epigram. 25. In Selinum.

They say Selinus writes exceeding well,
Till he of Bacchus grape too deepely tast,
For then is his Minerua quite displast,
How contrary to that which Poets tell,
Of Ioues strange breeding, stranger nursing vaine,
Selinus wit is breecht when wine's in's braine.

Epigram. 26. In duos ebrios.

Faber and Frankus I you both commend,
For both you will be drunken with a friend:
'Twas Theseus and Perithous amity,
So went they both to hell for company.

Epigram. 27. Ad quosdam florentes quondam, iam miseros & conquerentes commilitones suos.

VVhy shew you mee, my (whilome happy) mates
The ouergrowne infirmities that grieue you,
Wo's mee to see your so-much altred States:
I can lament, but I can not relieue you.
Think'st thou Wat I can cure the curelesse goute?
Can Iames Scyatticke hips hope helpe of mee?
Dicks dropsy-ale-puft flesh stands swelling out,
I can recouer none of all you three:
And Rafe, the pox may eate into thy bones,
And thou remaine remedilesse for mee:
Nor leprous Iacke be freed from scabs: at once
I can helpe none of you in no degree:
For first I'me no Physition at all,
And Poore, I cannot build an Hospitall.

Epigram. 28. Videntur & non sunt.

Some men go braue and some againe go bare
When neither of them seeme the men they are,
I know rich lads go patcht in leather pelts,
And hood their heads vnder some greasy felts:
Againe I know some silke lads, coinelesse euer,
Beare high their heads in some fresh colour'd Beuer,
And siluer-shooe-strings ore their toes do weare
Such shooe-strings as a man may safely sweare
Are better then their purse-strings, ten to one,
For they can show some siluer, these can none.

Epigram. 29. Velle paupertatis suæ.

Tis strange, now I am poore what I would do,
What Hospitals what Almse-houses vpreare;
Build Vpton-bridge in Worc'ster-shire anew;
Giue toplesse Paules one more sky-threatning Spire;
Bring Thames to Oxford, Wye into North-wales,
Trent to Northampton, Seauern into Trent,
Auon to Seauern; All to carry Sailes
Quite from the sea into the Continent:
Helpe Widdowes, Orphanes, Maymed, and the Poore,
With Wadam build a Colledge for the godly;
Erect (so farre surpassing all before)
A Library with all praise-worthy Bodly:
Make a huge chaine from Douer reach to Callis
For to secure all passengers for France,
Free Bond-slaues, ransom Captiues from the Gallies,
All honest Sea-wrackt Marchants re-aduance.
Nay more, what Learned Bacon left vndone,
Engirt Great Brittaine with a Brazen Wall:
On thousand good deeds now my mind doth run
Now I can nothing, now I would do all
I can so little and would do so much,
Sure I am too well giuen, to grow rich.

Epigram. 30. Arcades ambo.

Iack and Dick both with one woman dealt,
So long till she the Paines of women felt:
Now Dick, he thinkes to put a tricke on Iack,
And Iack againe to hang it on Dicks backe:
Which got the childe, it makes't a doubtfull case,
It hath so like (they say) Iacks nose, Dicks face:

Hic vsurpatur pro Dick, inquibusdam partibus Angliæ.

But by both marks, my iudgment should be quick
Et vitula tu dignus, Iack & hic.

Epigram. 31. In Richardum.

At three go downes Dick doffs me off a pot,
The English Gutter's Latin for his throate.

Epigram. 32. In Marcellum.

Marcellus if you marke how he doth go
Is nothing else but imitation,
By his apparell you can hardly know
What Countriman he is, or of what Nation,
For note you him; he weares a Spanish felt,
A French-craw'd Doublet, and a Dutch deep Slop:
A Turky Blade, a Crosse-bar'd Irish Hilt,
Hangers guilt-wrought with Indian pearle a top,
And girdle too, wherein (ware the stabbado)
His Poyniard in a swaggering skarse is got:
His stocking silke of Naples or Granado,
His Garter tyed with a Switzers knot,
Beside a long French locke, a Sarazens head,
A big Gades Beard, a grim Swartruttres looke:
By these what Countriman, who can aread?
Nay of what Country may hee not bee tooke?

Mikrocosmos.

Sure if a man μικροκοσμος bee,
Marcillus seemes that little world to mee.

Epigram. 33. In Annam.

Nan trades, yet will she not bee called whore,
Nor Pet not Puncke, but call her Curtezan:
Shee takes it kindly and conceiues no more,
But 'tis as much to say as courteous Anne.
A thing in these our daies to; wonder at,
A Catholicke not know t'quiuocat.

Epigram. 34. Quot bipedes aurum.

VVhat ordinary Gallant now but goes
On Spanish leather haltred with a Rose,
Circling with gold, or siluer-spangled lace:
'Tis strange how times haue altered the case.
Lesse cost, then's now bestow'd on either foote,
Did buy K. William Rufus a whole sute.

Epigram. 35. In Christophorum.

Kits conscience shal ne're bring him in trouble
'Tis like an Osier any way 'twill double:
And for the oath, no touching of him there,
You shall haue him, what you will haue him, swear:
Nor for Religion; for to tell you true,
Hee's neither of the Old nor of the New.

Epigram. 36. In Luscum morionem.

Luscus , that Minotaure thy monstrous wit,
Lies in that lowsy Laborinth thy head,
So close as no Art can discouer it,
Now whilst th'art liuing, nor when thou art dead.
A longer threed then Ariadnes twine,
Shall ner'e finde wit in that same pate of thine.

Epigram. 37. In Metellum.

Metellus vowd a voyage into France,
To learne the language, and be Frenchifide,
But he found out a neerer way by chance:
For in a vauting house as he did ride,
Of his pretence in part he was possest.
For there his Genius did so well apply him,
That she with whom his conf'rence did consist.
Eu'n as she spet, her breath did Frenchifie him.
Surely I can but wonder how the wench,
That neuer knew to speak, should spet out French.

Epigram. 38. In Stilponem.

Coward Stilpo, often dar'd to fight,
Still puts it off with pretty odde excuses,
He feares not any liuing by this light,
But he shewes reason wherefore he refuses:
The little man too much his vndermatch,
T'imbrue his sword, his bloud is too too base.
The Eagle scornes the silly Flie to catch:
The Mouses death's the Elephants disgrace:
One like himselfe of equall strength and making;
O 'twere a prey fit for his Lyons paw,
But should he kill him, he were in wise taking,
He feares not him; marry he feares the law:
Nor will he answere euery idle Iacke.
Stilpo is rich, and he hath much to lose,
Th'other perhaps in penury and lacke,
Growes desperate, and cares not how it goes.
Thus Law or Fortune, or too niggard Nature,
Begets excuses for his cowardize.
The strong, the poore, the man of little ftature,
He dares with all, daring with none (more wise.)
Surely by this I see, and seeke no furder,
Stilpo keepes one Commandement, Does no more.

Epigram. 39. In Demetrium.

Starke drunke, Demetrius word is: Hee'l stand too.,
When he hath neither vse of hand nor foot,
But iostles this, and shoulders vp that wall,
And stands to nothing, yet hee'l stand to all.

Epigram. 40. In Swadde.

Swadde's in Commission, yet but beares the name,
For all the roast is ruled by his dame,
Sh'examines, bailes, bindes ouer, and releases,
Remits and Mittimusseth whom she pleases,
To all that come to him for wrongs redresse,
His wife's the Iustice, he but of the peace.

Epigram. 41. In Spurium.

I wonder on't, Apelles when he painted
The rare perfections of the Græcian Dame,
Himselfe with sight of many faire acquainted,
And stole some grace from euery one that came.
And Spurius, is it possible thy mother,
Helpt with the workwanship of many one,
Who had, besides the sight of sundry other,
Should bring forth thee such an ill-shaped sonne?
But her confusion did as much portend,
'Twould proue some lumpish Chaos in the end.

Epigram. 42 In eundem.

That thou art monstrous most of any other,
The reason to proceed herehence I gather,
That hauing such a strumpet to thy mother,
The monster Multitude became thy Father.

Epigram. 45. To all good subiects.

You rich, your royall, loyall hearts reueale,
Not grudging when your gratious Soueraigne sends,
Nor at a Non-plus for a Priuy seale,
But when your Prince (like Cyrus) tries his friends,
Make you your Prince, with Cyrus to approue,
A Kings Exchequer is his subiects loue.

Epigram. 44. In Caspiam.

Caspia the decrepit old rich Croot,
Whose face (th'antiquity of time bewraying)
Is riueld like a ruffled summer Boot.
Shee that's in all things, but in wealth, decaying:
Caspia, that same fowle deformed Fubs,
Who neuer needs feare coughing out her teeth,
(For she hath none, but a few Holly-stubs)
She that should think of nothing now but death;
Maugre th'imperfections of her Age,
She will with Tubrio the yong gallant wed,
And linke herselfe to him in marriage.
What shall we say next day when she is dead?
That this old foole did that yong fellow take,
Him not her Husband, but her Heire to make.

Epigram. 45. Bis duo notaui quæ non possunt reuocari, Virginitas, Tempus, Verbum dictumque, Voluptas.

Scaurus his life voluptuously hath led;

Uoluptas. Uerbum. Uirginitas. Tempus.

Ruffinus tongue hath walk't immodestly;
Lusilla she hath lost her maiden-head;
And Thuscus spent his time in vanity:
But now the Blacke Oxe treadeth on their feet,
They find their faults, and 'gin to feare their fate,
And like the Troians they haue after-wit,
And would be wise when now it is too late:
For who can call back Words already spoken,
Lost time, past Pleasure, Virgin-bands once broken?

Epigram. 46. In Dol pregnantem.

Dol learning Propria quæ maribus without-booke,
Like Nomen crescentis genetiuo doth looke.

Epigram. 47. In Oxoniam.

Englands faire Athens, Youths thrise happy Nurse,
Natures resiner, Learnings Consistory,
Refuge whereto the Muses haue recourse,
And where to be the Graces chiefly glory:
Pardon thy Pupils high-presuming pen,
That dares thy praise ambitiously aduenter,
“Each little streame repaies the Ocean
His borrowed waues, and doth the sea re-enter:
My selfe with like gratuity incenst,
Returne to thee (from whom it first sprang forth)
That little wit, that heretofore thou lentst,
To legend out thy true deserued worth.
But out alas, what rellish hath my riming,
It can but be a blemish to the breeder,
And I shall be controuled for high climing,
Me thinkes I heare already from the Reader;
Who telles me, in my talking thus so boldly,
“Better be silent, then commend so coldly.

Epigram. 48 Ad eandem. Desiderium in discessu.

Anglice.

Each man his Country loues: Vlysses wish
Was to see Ithacks smoke (smoke little worth)
Each cares for Countrey; I care not a rush,
I loath to liue where I was first brought forth.
Now goe I home, as Hannibal once went,
To natiue Affrick, sad and discontent.
We hate our Countries: would you neds know why?
My loue is Oxford; His, was Italy.

Epigram. 49. In Salium.

When Salius takes the pen in hand, he bragges;
Hee'l rowze his wit to raise the prise of rags;

Quia [illeg.].

And writes such verses as stand men in steead,
For Priuy bisnesse rather then to read.
Now pray you when the paper lies be sh---
How are ragges raised by his rowzing wit?

Epigram. 50. In Flauium.

When Flauius once would needs praise Tin,
His braine could bring no reasons in,
But what his belly did bethinke,
Platters for meate, and Pots for drinke.

Epigram. 51. In Uirtutem.

Vertue we praise, but practise not her good,
(Athenian-like) we act not what we know;
So many men do talke of Robin Hood,
Who neuer yet shot arrrow in his bow.

Epigram. 52. In Ebrios.

Bacchum.

Why Drunkards should be so improuident,
And yet so often drinke a Deity:
To proue the cause I know no Argument,
But that they surfet in satiety.

Etiam mel si [illeg.] ingratū.

Hony, how holesome, and how full of pleasure,
And yet how hurtfull taken out of measure?

Epigram. 53. In Crispinum.

Crispinus giues, where gifts he lookes for greater,
This kindnesse shewes him but a kinde of Cheater.

Epigram. 54. In Pætum.

Pætus dying, cozend Atropos,
She should not cut his vitall threed in two,
His Shorditch Saint a fairer fate bestowes,
She did as much as destiny could doe;
Yet not by cutting (for she vs'd no knife)
But by the burning of the threed of life.

Epigram. 55. In duos letigiosos.

Ficus hath three-farthings-worth of wrong
Done to him by his neighbour Clunnico,
For which he vowes to be reueng'd ere long;
That to make good, to law he meanes to goe:
And Clunnico, as stubborne, will not shrinke
What ere it cost: by this the Lawyer's feed,
Who nimbly purses their dis-powched chinke,
And hearts them both, that they be not agreed:
They (like two dogges) lye fighting for the bone,
The which a third, the Lawyer, feeds vpon.

Epigram. 56. In Embrionem.

Trow yee who lately to the warres is gone?
The neither wise nor warlike Embrion:
There if perhaps he happily atcheeue
What we haue now no reason to beleeue;
And that his valors vnexpected proofe,
Be to his Countries and his owne behoofe.
Thus in my rimes his name I will inroll,
Loe here the Goose that sau'd the Capitoll.

Epigram. 57.

[London is like to haue no more strong Beere]

London is like to haue no more strong Beere,

Aqua ductus per Magistrum Middletonun omnium, (qui vnquam fuerunt) ciuitati vtilissimus.

All long of my Lord Mayor as we heare:
His brother rather may the cause be thought,
That so much water to the Towne hath brought.

Epigram. 58. Proh dolor.

The 17 Prouinces are all at peace:
Alas good Souldiers, it boots not now,
The military Science to professe,
You must come home, and liue the Lord knowes how:
Like to haue small reliefe, but too much Law,
And hang'd, if but for taking of a straw.

Epigram. 59. In Mathonem.

Though great mens houses make it knowne,
How Buckes-hornes stand the hall in steed,
To hang vp Hats and Caps vpon;
Yet euery where there's no such need:
For what needs it in Mathos hall?
His head, his hornes, may serue for all.

Epigram. 60. Dum Spiritus hos regit artus.

Of all the letters in the Cris-crosse row,
I loue the W. why? if you'l know;
It doth begin two names, I would be loth
For too much boot change either of them both:
The first I serue, loue, honour, and attend,
The other is my Kinsman, and my Frend.

Epigram. 61. In Clitum.

That Clitus is become so melancholly,
Nor losse of goods, nor death of frends doth cause it,
But his Priapus, fired by his folly,
He is in feare he shall be forc'd to loose it:
He heard such newes from the Physitian,
It must be sau'd by Circumcision.

Epigram. 62. Consanguinio suo Febricitanti.

Two contraries (Philosophy sayes) neuer,
At one time can in one selfe-subiect be,
Yet note but the condition of the feuer,
And 'tis a false position we see;
Which strangely doth conioyn mere opposites,
And extreame cold t'excessiue heate vnites.
Which (like two struggling twinnes within one wombe)
By striuing, so our vitall powers distort,
As both our strength and senses quite benumme,
Distaste our pallats, make vs All a-Mort,
Our bodies of all faculties displace,
And makes our braines to run the wilde-goose chace.
Cozen, to you these lines I need not write,
Who haue the practike, mine's but speculation,
I do but tell; you, feele the Agues might
Would you were lesse acquainted with her fashion.
Yet to your comfort, I haue heard it euer,
“No Physicke for the body to the feuer:
Which though it bring it to some little weaknes,
It purgeth choller, swageth swelling tumours,
Cuts off the causes of ensuing sickenes,
Rarefies fleame, and for all ill-bred humours,
Phlebotomy, nor purging, nor the Bath,
Haue halfe the healthfull power th' Ague hath:
Besides that it the stomacke doth restore,
Reformes digestion, concockts crudities,
Repaires the faculties impair'd before;
Yet for all these, and more good properties,
I thinke you could bee well contented yet,
And I could rather wish you rid of it.

Epigram. 63. Uiue tibi. Eidem.

Looke to thy selfe, and learne to liue at home,
Haue fellowship henceforth with few or none,
See, see, to what a passe the world is come,
Friendship abides not, bee thy fortunes gone,
Be thou like Winter that like Sommer wast,
The Swallowes flie that flockt before so fast:
Friends swim, like fishes, as the streame doth run,
And like slye serpents lurke in fairest greene,
They onely reuerence the rising Sunne,
Scarse looking to'ards him, when he doth decline;
'Tis wealth preserues good will, that from thee taken,
Thou that wast followed shalt be soone forsaken:
Nay marke cu'n now; the very Bird of loue,
Betakes her selfe vnto the fairest building;
And her owne home abandoneth the Doue,

Fugium ad candida tecta. Columbæ.

If once she sees it ruinous and yeelding,
No maruell then, though faith faile in the triall,
When loues true Turtle is turn'd thus disloyall.
This vile Hart-gnawing Vultur-Age then flye,
Feed not the Hounds whose teeth may after teare thee,
Let not the serpent in thy bosome lye,
Lest stinging, thou repent he lay so neere thee:
Be thine owne neighbour; and be this thy doome,
To looke vnto thy selfe, to liue at Home.

Epigram. 64. In iactabundum gentis suæ:

Tell me no more what trophies were erected,
By those, from whom thy Gentry tooke deriuing,
Show me their vertues that made them respected,
If they, as yet, bee in their sonne suruiuing:
'Tis not enough, 't inherit any man,
To reckon from Coruinus thy descent,
From Nasica, or Nobler Affrican,
If vertue bee not in th'hereditament;
Or say; 'tis credit to bee come of them;
'Tis more dishonour when thou shalt digresse,
And proue a bad stalke of so braue a stemme,
Disabling thy birth in thine vnworthinesse:

Translatum ex Iuuenal:

I would Thersites had begot thee rather,
And thou proue like Patroclus worthy friend,
Then that Achilles should haue beene thy father,
And thou to proue Thirsites in the end:
“No fathers deeds can dignify the sonne,
Nor can we call that ours, we haue not done.

Epigram. 65. In Richardum.

Dick will to wiuing, and a whore will wed,
Ware hornes; a wager, whether will haue more
A Tanners backe-side (Richard) or your head,
Or Scot of Fleet-streete, though he haue such store:
Dick were your hornes as visible as they,
I hold my life it were an euen Lay.

Epigram. 66. In pestem, Oxonium a duobus Gallis allatum anno. 1609.

Oxford's infected, and the French-men brought it,
The Pox to bring the plague, who wold haue thought it,
I should haue said, nay more, I should haue swore it,
The Pox had beene a Supersedeas for it.
Good Towne; for thee (for thee I euer loued)
I wish the Prouerb had not beene disproued.

Epigram. 67. Epitaph. fœneratoris.

VVith vsury and common harmes,
Here he lies that purchast Armes;
Earth presse softly, wormes forbeare,
'Tis a Gentleman lies heere,
Hee and all that so heape good,
Needs they must be men of bloud.

Epigram. 68. In liuorem.

Enuy did aske mee for her Epigram,
I flatly answered she should haue none:
But if that for her Epitaph shee came
I would haue willingly bestowed one:
Think'st thou Ile dye (qd. she) I must suruiue,
So long as any shall bee left aliue:

Epigram. 69. Candida simplicitas.

A poore man at the Tauerne was in place,
Where his Atturney told his Clients case
Vnto another; Lawier-like the while,
Naming but Iohn a Noxe, and Iohn a Stile,
And, quoth th' Atturney, you must vnderstand,
This Iohn a Noxe is owner of the Land:
The poore man present; could not but reply,
Not Iohn a Noxe, and 't please you sir, 'tis I.

Epigram. 70. A Free-man.

A Kings-Bench fits not such as I
And Lud your Gate is built too hy,
And yet my credite shall not Fleet
'Tis better then two Counters yet:

Epigram. 71. Adorans substantiam et orans imaginem.

I loue my Soueragine as good Subiects should,
I'de haue my Soueraigne as rich Subiects would:
Himselfe; why no: but by a second course
I would his picture alwaies in my purse.

Epigram. 72. Dij votis aspirate meis.

All prayers for Iacobus are, but mine's,
Both for Iacobus and for Iacobines.

Epigram. 73. In Cinnam.

So long as Cinna holds his peace, he's tooke,
To bee a Wiseman, onely for his looke,
But he no sooner speakes, but men discry him,
And find his countenance did foule belye him:
Were Cinna dumbe, he had a hapy turne,
Or if to hold his peace he could but learne;
“Silence in most showes wit, in Fooles alone
It makes men think th' haue some when they haue none.

Epigram. 74. In Critonem vociferantem.

Good-man (quoth a) knowing who I am,
My wealth might teach thee vse another name:
Good-man, hart; I can hardly forbeare thee,
Sweete Maister Crito pardon; now I heare thee,
Why this at first had pleas'd mee; well 'tis past,
Remember next your words be better plac't.
Such is the strange condition of men
A rich-man once, no more a Good-man then.

Epigram. 75. Honores mutant mores.

VVhen I and some of my Com-rades were poore,
O Lord how wee lou'd one another then,
Wee lou'd as, I thought, no men could loue more;
But, since the most of them are growne rich men,
And I sticke fast still to my pouerty,
They flye from mee and or I am skarse knowne,
Or quite forgotten, what an Asse am I,
The case is partly mine, but more their owne:
And their offence may well forgiuen bee,
That haue forgot themselues as well as me.

Epigram. 76. In Colaxem.

Since Colax came from the Low-country wars,
Each Tauerne and Red-lettice knowes his skars
His skores too; well knowne to them all,
Skarrs on his skin, his skores vpon their wall.

Epigram. 77. In fungum.

Faint-harred Fungus that dare fight with none,
When he is drunke will fight with any one;
Is't he, thinke you? No, Bacchus for his sake
The shape of him doth surely vndertake;
Nor is it strange, for in Troy-wars we read,
So for their fauourites the old Gods did:
With drunken Fungus ware you fight not than,
For trust me 'tis God Bacchus, not the man.

Epigram. 78. In Luscum: quod quisque, suæ fortunæ faber.

Lvscu , the worst demeanur'd man aliue,
Wonders, of all he onely cannot thriue,
But 'tis his lack, sayes he, when by his fauour,
Tis not his luck, it is his lewd behauiour:
“Our selues our fortunes frame (how ere he giue it)
“And none is hurt but by himselfe, beleeue it.

Epigram. 79. Alea, Uina, Uenus.

Foure things in drinking breed our discontent,
Our Wealth, our Wit, our Strength, our Time mispent,
Three of the foure (which makes vs more agast)
Wealth, Strength and Time by Women are defac'd.
And two of three (take onely strength away)
Our Wealth and Time the Dye brings to decay.
Therefore, that Wealth, Wit, Strength, Time be not lost.
Fly Dice, flye Women, but flye Drinking most.

Epigram. 80. Aliud de eisdem.

The earth three furies hath, which ouer-match
The Hellish Atè; yea, or all the Fiends
Three headed Hecate did euer hatch,
Yet helds the earth these Furies for her friends:
And suckes the sweet that sowrely doth digest,
And first the Die she vseth for disport,
And holds the Grape-god greatly in request,
Yet brings this this double pleasure, treble hurt.
The third to these, I was about to name,
Lusilla bob'd me, and bade, Peace for shame.

Epigram. 81. In Cosmum.

When Cosmus will auerre a thing for truth,
He sweares, as he's a Gentleman forsooth.
Well, say he tell the most notorious lye,
Yet as he sweares, 'tis true, and that sweare I:
For wot you whence the Gentleman did come,
His father Miller had a golden thum.

Epigram. 82. De Epigrammatis suis.

My Epigrams, among my learned friends,
Are onely praised for their pretty ends,
They ioyne with me but onely in the close,
Gainst all the rest they haue too ranke a nose;
Liu'd he (who stoale from Greece her eloquence)
Tully should be his owne and my defence,
Gainst those that my beginnings discommend,
Gainst those that note his sentences nice end,
Gainst all such selfe-conceited seeming-wise,
Me and himselfe well would he patronize:
Me, for my idle entring to the matter,
Himselfe, for's Esse posse vidiatur.

Epigram. 83. Omni homo mendax.

Pooets and Painters, once it was your part,
And none but you were priuiledg'd to lye;
Now all the world authorizing your Art,
Chalenge a charter of like liberty:
Philosophy affirmes, a wise man may
Sometimes dissemble with safe conscience:
And your Ciuilian will not sticke to say,
That The officious lie is no offence:
Our Pure Diuines that make so to abhorre it,
False Ananias trade haue not forgot.
And for your Lawyer fee him roundly for it,
Hee'l lie you faster then a horse can trotte:
Seeke to Phisicians, health they will assure thee;
And if thou haue a skabbe or vlcer grieue thee,
What say the Surgeons? questionles thei'l cure thee,
When both i'th end in worser case do leaue thee;
How falsly sweare your Sellers to the Buyers;
Nay, almost, who will not abiure the truth?
Yet being askt, who will they say are liers?
Poets and Painters, and none else forsooth:
Who tells me so, tell me too (if he can)
Who's not a Poet, or a Painter than?

Epigram. 84. Fortius est qui se &c.

Ad Labeonem.

Beleeue me Labeo, this were fortitude,
Ouer thy selfe to get a victory;
To see thy foule affections subdude,
This were a triumph worthy memory;
Though some will hold, true valour doth consist
In resolution and an actiue bodie,
Of iniuries not suffering the least,
But who so thinkes, I thinke him but a noddie.
Achilles was commended, wot you why?
Not for the valiant deeds he did performe;
But then he shewd his magnanimity,
When gainst great Agamemnon he did storme:
Others perhaps with hasty insurrections
Would take reuenge of an iniurious offer,
Well could he temper our affections,
And (what the valiant seldome can) could suffer
True valour, Labco, if I reade aright,
Must not be onely Actiue to attempt:
For why the Lyon and the Bull can fight
And shew great mindes too, and much hardiment;
But the Irrationall can onely grieue:
Ours must not be so Beast-like furious,
But readier sometime, wrong to take then giue,
Else manhood might prooue too iniutious,
Where it must be considerate and carefull,
Betwixt extreames to keepe the merry meane,
Not to be rashly bold, nor basly fearefull,
Not too too milde, not too too full of spleane,
Who thought one world too little to subdue,
Found 'twas too much t'orecome a furious minde;
Then, as at first, so here conclude we now:
Labeo, this were true fortitude I finde,
This were a triumph worthy memory,
Ouer thy selfe to get a victory.

Epigram. 85. In Truncum.

Swaggring Truncus sweares in eu'ry towne,
He is for any for a broken crowne,
And fight, else damne him, hee'l with any one,
Marry with cudgels, edge-tooles, hee'le vse none,
I like the Woodden-hearted slaue that wanting mettle
He will be sure his weapon haue as little.

Epigram. 86. In Gualterum.

My schoole-fellow, and my old friend Gualter,
Could read the A B C, Primer, and the Psalter
None more distinctly, none could reade it better,
And now I heare he doth scarce know a letter;
His marriage, and his wanton Wife men gesse,
haue wrought in him this strange forgetfulnesse:
If that be all, doubtlesse he will recouer,
If so be she will do but her endeuour:
And as shee hurt him shee can help him too,
Or make him learne his Horne-booke o're anew.

Epigram. 87. Uitia virtutis speciem induunt.

Vice thought it once her onely grace,
T'Immaske her selfe with vertues face,
Now shee abhorres those idle shifts,
And stands vpon her owne good gifts:
Knowing the worlds opinion
Hath made her the worlds Minion.
When Pride is counted Decency,
And Wrath reputed Ualiancy;
Enui's held for Emulation,
Sloth a life in Contemplation;
When all commend the Gluttony
Of Ægypts Queene and Antony;
And to be drunken once a weeke,
'Tis a Gentleman-like tricke,
Besides the wholesomenesse they vrge
O t'is Physicke, 'twill the body purge;
And Letchery; ô God forbid,
There should bee sinne in such a deed,
Why it breeds loue, begets delight,
Besides the world is peopled by't.
Dissembling and Hypocrisy,
Showes Wisedome, and showes Policy;
The world it selfe's turn'd Macheuill
In practising and praysing ill.
My selfe too, that can well become
A Romane when I am at Rome,
And otherwise when otherwhere
English, Scotch, Irish, whatsoe're;
Am willing sometime to traduce
To wanton sense my merry Muse,
Holding it foolish modesty
Idely still to talke of honesty;
And say I do write ribaldrous,
It is a vice held vertuous.

Epigram. 88. In Palladium.

Palladius when all the world doth iudge
Thy wife so faire, thy seruant such a drudge,
I wonder what's the reason of thy wrongs
To giue the fowle what to the faire belongs.
Or is't, because affections oft blindnesse
Doth vndeseruedly dispose her kindnesse?
Or is't, because it is our natures course,
To see the better, yet to seeke the worse?
Or this, or that, or what I know not else:
Onely I heere men say the Maid she swels,
Which makes mee gather by the History,
Farther meaning of a future mistery,
And that Palladius did it, but to know
By change of Pasture how a Calfe might grow.

Epigram. 89. In Caluum.

Caluus sweares a compleate Gentleman
Must haue the Pox, or else hee can bee none,
I see then I can not bee what hee can
For I'le bee sworne hee is a pocky one.

Epigram. 90. Of Moll Cut-purse disguised going.

They say Mol's honest, and it may bee so,
But yet it is a shrewd presumption, no:
To touch but pitch, 'tis knowne it will defile,
Moll weares the breech, what may she be the while;
Sure shee that doth the shadow so much grace,
What will shee when the substance comes in place?

Epigram. 91. In Hylam.

Hylas the Puritan is of beleefe,
That he by no meanes can a Cuckold bee,
If whilst hee sleepe another slip t'his wife,
For in my sleepe I am as dead quoth hee,
And who can do a dead-man iniury:
Here-hence his wife so wanton waxen is,
That should hee sleep 'tauoid all infamy,
And dye as often as shee doth amisse,
How many times a day, had Hylas need
To drinke of Lethe, or eate Poppy seed?

Epigram. 92. In Dorotheam.

Doll , accused for a common Trull,
Sayes, she is for her Country borne,
Sweete sinne as sweetely salu'd (sweete Doll)
Thou speak'st but reason Ile be sworne,
Borne for thy Countrey, 'tis most true;
Nay thou hast borne thy Country too.

Epigram. 93. In Castorem.

Castor , were it charectred in thy brow,
Eu'ry offence thy lustfull wife doth do;
Them needeth not, that see thy knotty front
So much wish: Now a horne-plague vpon't:
Rather they might with admiration
Go learne the Art of Numeration
Nor could they Number, but they might aime faire
By likely-hood; a Horne for eu'ry Haire.

Epigram. 40. In eundem.

Castor , thy horned brow can be no shame,
That very place predominates the Ramme,
Besides th'invisible grace; thou foole, what fear'st?
None see the hornes that many know thou wear'st.

Epigram. 95 In Momum quendam.

Though gainst my Rimes thou art out-ragious,
Think'st thou I care for thy fantasticke fits?
Thou say'st my sence is as my selfe, Contagious,
'Tis Venemous, 'twill poyson yonger wits.
Although I know the world holds mee excused,
And that my pen needs no Apology:
I meane not for the method therein vsed,
Or that it sauours ought of Poetry,
But for I doe so libr'ally disclose,
And touch the vlcers of this vice-growne Age,
And them to laughter and to shame expose,
As if I seem'd possest with holy rage:
No, no, but let the Spartane speake for me,
Whose vse, I gladly imitate herein,
Hee lets his Sonne his drunken Seruant see,
That by the sight hee may avoid the sinne.
Like vse, may men make of my Epigrammes,
That when they see decipher'd here by me,
Other mens sinnes together with their shames,
By seeing others, may their owne foresee.
But O my ribald tearmes: No Momus, no,
Hereby my Muse seemes more commodious:
Is't shame to say? How much more then to do,
What by but naming seemes so odious?
Thus Momus, whilst thou labourst to peruert
What I haue labourd to a good intent
Well maist thou show the malice of thy heart,
But neuer make me the more male content,
Rather thou mak'st me proud to censure thus,
“Enuy is onely 'gainst the vertuous.

Epigram. 96. In Fuscam.

I prethee Fuscu, wouldst thou haue a Coach
To poast the streets, so like a paragon,
That all that to thy Concaue Carre approach,
May cry Madona to a Curtezan,
And simpringly salute a sluttish sweet,
And as it were make curtsie to a crab:
Thy hopes are high, and yet perhaps may hit,
And destiny may dignifie a drab;
Or Briddwels duty may (to thy desart)
If not a Coach, yet helpe thee to a cart.

Epigram. 97. In Fortunam.

Fortune , be stormy as thou hast beene still,
Dis-gorge thy good vpon some witlesse guls,
Still credit me in crossing me with ill:
What sayes the prouerbe, Fortune fauours fooles.
Folly thy fauours, Wisedome hath thy frownes:
Hence I suspect my selfe a poore wise man,
Yet wish to be thy Foole, and full of Crownes:
Sweet Fortunes Alcumize me if you can;
Let me be Midas, and be this my fate.
To bee a Foole, and to be Fortunate.

Epigram. 98. Inuersio Argumenti.

Foole that I am to wish my selfe a foole,
As if that Fortune would be Follies friend,
Each boy, but grounded from the Grammar-schoole,
Will finde my fault, and wherein I offend;
Some Paradox, from Tully will he fetch,
Or from the Stoicks straine an argument,
To proue, the onely wise are onely rich,
And none are poore but the improuident.
Is't true indeed? How came it then to passe,
That Apulcius prou'd a golden Asse?

Epigram. 99. In Frankum.

Frankus indeed House-keeping's commendable,
But harke you: you must fashion your course;
Begin as to hold on you may be able,
And rather still grow better then grow worse.
Who keepes within his compasse, at his pleasure
May giue his Liberality more scope,
When he that spends beyond his means & measure
Of being Better banisheth all hope.
Beside, there's none almost but will mis-doubt,
Seeing such hare-brain'd hospitality,
How such a one is able to hold out,
All through his lauish prodigality.
Frankus take heed, and feare this fowle disaster,
The house may surfet and spue out his maister.

Epigram. 100. Ad familiarem suum, quomodo in Musam malè meritam animaduertat.

May be my Muse, like that same foolish reed,
That all abrode his Masters shame descry'd
Will doe by me, as he by Midas did,
And for a foole will make me notified.
Which, gentle friend, if so it shall fall out,
Massacre thou this my vnthankfulll Muse,
Let not thy Spirit be made a (---) clout,
All these my Epigrams are thine to vse.
Which though they'l do thy study little grace,
They'l do thee pleasure in some Priuy place.

Martial. Lib. 1.