University of Virginia Library

RVNNE, And a great Cast.

THE SECOND BOWLE.

To the right Honourable his singular good Lord and Maister, Thomas Lord Windsore:

His: Run, and a great Cast.

Yet more (thrice worthy Lord) more of that vaine,
My idler times and youthfulnesse affected;
A garb which 'mongst the gracefulst wits doth raigne,
Whereto the choicest spirits are addicted:
Not that I place my wit amongst the pregnant,
And yet your Lordship, when that you haue seene them,
Shall see my starres haue not beene so malignant,
But my conceits do carry salt within them:
Though not like some, in such aboundant measure,
I may bee named, though they bee more noted,
To whom the Muses haue vnlockt their treasure;
Ennius (as artlesse as hee is) is quoted,
But hence vaine-boasting, Ile bee no Suffenus;
Onely your Lordships liking, and delight,
And pardon when there's any thing obscenous,
I hope, and craue; and where all goes not right,
Your Honour rather pitty then reproue,
Since Duty showes her ignorance for Loue.

Virtus vera Nobilitas, Symbolum Domini, scripto a se nomini, vsitatissime subscriptum.

That vertue is the true Nobility
I see subscrib'd oft to your written name,
But who your vertuous actions shall eie,
And how your heart habituates the same:
Hee must confesse it a farre greater point,
Hee sees it there but Written, here in Print.

Epigram. 1.

[VVhilst (Pedler-like) I heere vnpacke my pen]

VVhilst (Pedler-like) I heere vnpacke my pen,
And lay you forth the fairest of my wit,
Still more and more conceits come flocking in,
And in my braines do Hurly-burly it.
To Grace them all, I would ingrosse them all:
But when I would this indigested heape
Reduce (more seemely) into seuerall;
In steed of one; in, All together step.
That when I would tell Sylla's tyranny,
Or Nero's cruelty, and Cæsars stabbing,
Straight interrupts mee Druso's letchery,
Lucullus drudging, or Lucilla's drabbing.
Yet being willing (though not being able)
I broach my best inuention to dispose them;
But proues my worke still like the Tower of Babell,
And thus confusedly I leaue, and loose them;
Then English Hodge-podge; Irish-boniclabor,
Go on, go on, my Gally-manfree labour.

Epigram. 2. Ad Merionem, cur passim Poetæ.

Why shouldst thou maruell so Meriones,
Whence our so many chattering Poets rise?
Hast thou not heard, how the Pierides

Pierides in [illeg.].

Were metamorphosed to tatling Pies?
Those Pies our Poets caught, this one got I,
Which heere thou seest I do againe let fly.

Epigram. 3. Of Lea the false Accuser:

Lea some three yeares since, the false accuser,
Of his two eares, for that fault, was a looser:
And yet they say, he swaggers, stamps, & swears;
Pray you why not? who can haue him by th'eares.

Epigram. 4. In Miluum.

Miluus , that art deformed in thy face,
In eu'ry part ill-fashioned by nature,
Beware I wish thee, gaze not in thy glasse,
Looke to thy selfe, but looke not, in the water:
Lest looking in thy glasse, thou'euacuate
From forth thy filthy corps, thy fairer soule,
Or in the water shouldst grow desperate,
And drowne the obiect of thy selfe so fowle:
How farre vnlike to faire Narcissus fate;
He, for selfe-loue, thou, drowning for selfe-hate

Epigram. 5. Hinc illæ lachrimæ

Alas the while, poore Kitchin boyes may curse
That whirling lacks, and Dogs in wheeles turne broaches
And Seruingmen, poore Soules, haue fat'de the worse,
Since great men got the tricke to ride in coaches.
These first of these for food may now go starue,
Nor needs th'attendance of a Seruing-man,
A horse-pac't Footman, and a Coach will serue,
For certainely since first the world began,
And great men, with the world, to run on wheeles:
They haue but few or no men at their heeles.

Epigram. 6. In Mopsam.

Mopsa had not, I heard her when shee swore,
The tooth-ach not these twenty yeares and more,
And well may Mopsa sweare, and sweare but truth,
'Tis aboue twenty since shee had a tooth.

Epigram. 7. In Cletum.

VVhat's Cletus better for his Benefice,
I see not how hee can sit much the warmer,
Hee ownes the Sheepe, another sheares the Fleece,
Hee's Parson, but his Patron is his Farmer;
'Tis worth at least 200 hundred by the yeare,
Cletus is glad he can get barely twenty,
Nay and his Patron thinkes hee paies too deere,
Liuings grow scarse, and Ministers grow plenty.
Fiue for a Reader, ten pounds for a Uicar,
Is faire preferment, twenty Marks a Preacher,
With monthly Sermons, if hee come off quicker,
Why there's his praise, To be a painefull Teacher.
But Cletus takes too much aboue the Market,
What twenty pound? well may his Patron grutch:
Hee could haue had as learn'd as Cletus clarke it,
For lesse a great deale, nay for halfe as much;
And sweares his predecessour Parson tooke,
But bare fiue Markes, besides his Easter-booke.

Epigram. 8. In Epitaphium pingui minerua compositum.

When Crassus died, his friends, to grace his hearse,
Requested one to make his funerall verse,
Of whom they did procure it in the end,
A ruthfull one, and pittifully pen'd:
That sure the man who made it, made great moane
His Epitaph was such a sorry one.

Epigram. 9. Aliud.

This Epitaph deserues, this on this stone,
To lye as low, as he it lies vpon.

Epigram. 10. Aliud.

I must needs say, were thou mine owne brother,
This Epitaph of thine deserueth another:
Such sorrow would make the learned to laugh
To read: Heere lies a dead Epitaph.

Epigram. 11.

[Strut to Size and Sessions brings a man]

Strut to Size and Sessions brings a man
To talke with him when he with none else can:
Besides, to show hee is of some command
To talke to one, that stands with hat in hand.

Epigram. 12. De Pompeio & filijs, ex Martiall. lib. 5.

Translatum.

Asia and Europe, Pompeis sonnes, interre;
Himselfe in Affrick lies, if any where
What wonder, through all parts o'th world he's, thrown
So great a ruin could not lye in one.

Epigram. 13. Honoratis: Domino suo T. D. W. in minoritate sua, dicat.

Some in their Loues, some other in their feares,
Do wish my Lord, your daies at least indure,
To the full tearme of one and twenty yeares,
The latter, but to make their States more sure;
And those, are they, whose wils once being got
Their wishes end, their prayers are expirde,
Then liue or die; al's one; they weigh it not:
But they who in their loues your life desirde,
Will still the fates importunately trouble
Your one and twenty, twenty times to double.

Epigram. 14.

[Pitty ô pitty, death had power]

Pitty ô pitty, death had power
Ouer Chaucer, Lidgate, Gower:
They that equal'd all the Sages
Of these, their owne, of former Ages,
And did their learned Lights aduance
In times of darkest ignorance,
When palpable impurity
Kept knowledge in obscurity,
And all went Hood-winkt in this Ile,
They could see and shine the while:
Nor Greece nor Rome could reckon

Solebāt Græci, & Rom: omnes alias gentes Barbaras nuncupari.

vs,
As then, among the Barbarous:
Since these three knew to turne perdy
The Scru-pin of Phylosophy
As well as they; and left behind
As rich memorials of the mind:
By which they liue, though they are dead,
As all may see that will but read;
And on good workes will spend good howres,
In Chancers, Lidgates, and in Gowers.

Epigram. 15. To the worthy, his friend, Maister Fovlk Knottesford.

Who knowes thee right hee will thee rightly prize
Aboue the generall of Gentlemen,
Not sullen-sad, nor selfe-conceited-wise,
Yet knowing how to speak, and where and when,
And how to liue, and how to loue thy friends:
And say (as man) thou hast inherent sinne,
Thy rare and many vertues make amends:
And do but hold the way that thou art in:
The president begunne, as well but end it,
Many may follow, but there's none can mend it.

Epigram. 16. In Rodulp.

Rafe is growne poore, and now the woodcocke grudges,
That his Inferiours rise and are growne rich,
Hee sweares he hates them, cals them dunghill drudges,
And he hath spent, they'l neuer spend so much:
Indeed hee hath spent all, and I know none,
Is able to spend more then Rafe hath done.

Epigram. 17. Uilior Alga.

So fares the world; we loue our friends, if rich;
It not; then not: So wary wise wee grow,
Wee question not the manner, but how much
A man is worth: we aske no other How:
Yet friendships prais'd, and vertue gets good words
That's all the goodnesse this vile age affoords.

Epigram. 18. In Peg.

Peg would play false but that she stands in feare
'Twill proue within three quarters of a yeare:
She fancies, though she followes not the game,
'Tis not for feare of sinne, but feare of shame.

Epigram. 19. In Lusillam.

Lvsilla , though her beauty be out-wore,
Yet hath an Image of her fairest hew,
As when she was but sixteene, and no more,
That in her Chamber hangs to open view;
To all that come, that portrature she showes,
And sighs she is not what she was whilere,
This surrow'd face so full of Cris-crosse rowes,
Was once (quoth she) such as you see it there:
With that she leaues him gazing on hir picture,
And makes to goe, she knowes not whereabout;
But what's her meaning I cannot coniecture,
Except she would her picture prostitute:
And that it be more like her, and be lewd,
While she absents hir selfe so like a bawd.

Epigram. 20. To the Stationer.

I Tell thee Stationer, why neuer feare,
They'l sell yfaith, and't be but for their Title,
Thou canst not lose, nay, I dare warrant cleare,
They'l get thee twenty nobles, not so little:
Why reade this Epigram, or that, or any,
Do they not make thee itch, & moue thy bloud;
Of all thou hast had (and thou hast had many)
Hast e're read better? nay, hast read so good?
Dost laugh? they'l make the rigidst Cato doe it;
Besides smooth verse, quaint phrase, come, what wilt giue?
No more but so: Ah! what shall I say to it?
I pitty Poetrie, but curse the time,
When none will bid vs Reason for our Rime.

Epigram. 21. Patruo suo colendiss. Rich. Freeman roso.

These , and himselfe that sends you these, are yours,
From whō he yeelds he had his chiefe proceeding.
To whom he owes his best bestowed houres,
And (better then mans birth) ingenuous breeding;
Though much against your mind he hath imployd
That pretious iewell Time, to his great losse:
Yet all you haue bestow'd is not destroy'd:
There's some gold ore in this huge heape of drosse:
So much, and such as 'tis, accept, and saue it,
If it were more, and better, you should haue it.

Epigram. 22. Eidem.

To whom may I these rimes more truely send,
Then vnto you, where they were bred & born,
Should all forsake them, you, must be their friend,
If good, your praise, if bad (t'escape from scorne)
To Buckelers-bery, or Tobacco-takers,
Or Flax-wiues vent them, or neere home you may,
To Tewkesbery amongst the Mustard-makers,
Or fire them, or send them quite away:
Your only sweet course for Virginia ship them,
For by the Statute you are bound to keep them.

Epigram. 23. Consanguinæo suo chariss. generosiss. W. Warmstry.

VVho would you not in all abundant measure,
The triple good of body, mind and fortune;
Eu'n those to whom you neuer yet did pleasure,
How much more, I may such a wish importune:
Who in good troth if but the troth were known,
In wishing your health, do but wish mine owne.

Epigram. 24. In Swaggerum.

Swagger, the onely Strike-fire of our time,
Whose sword the Steele, whose fury is the flint,
Well would this Caualier become my rime,
But, O impatience! Sbloud put him not in't:
For if I doe, be sure hee'l be my bane,
Not Herc'les vsde the three-chopt Hel-hound so,
As I shall be, if in his clutches ta'ne,
Hee'l teach the curre for barking any moe.
Yet good sir Swagger, if I pen thy praise,
Record thy valour, registring in it
How many thou hast killed in thy dayes:
All which I dare be sworne are liuing yet.
If I shall say how thou becomst a terrour,
A Bugge-beare to those Babie-hearted slaues,
That know not how they grosely liue in errour,
To thinke thee valiant only for thy braues.
If I shall terme thee the Innes onely hackester,
The Tauerns tyrant, like some cutting Dicke,
To call the Oastler rogue, be knaue the Tapster,
With, Fill's another quarte, come villaine quicke.
If I shall tell how thou mad'st Pickt-hatch smoke,
And how without smoke thou wast fired there:
If I shall tell how, when thy head was broke,
Thou wouldst haue bin reuenged, but for feare.
Thus if I praise thee, say, shall I not please thee,
Well, doe, or doe not, thus resolu'd I am,
Swagger thy words, thy oths shal not release thee,
Be thou the subiect of this Epigram:
Swagger thou maist, and sweare as thou art wont,
Thou wilt not fight, I am assured on't.

Epigram. 25. In Quintium.

Is't not a wonder, Quintius should so dread,
To see a Hare runne crossing in his way,
The Salt fall t'wards him, or his Nose to bleed,
Beginne a iourney vpon Disemores day;
Yet feares not things more ominous then these,
But dares to drinke with him that hath the pox,
And ligge with her that hath the like disease;
But what cares Quintius, so he ply the box?
So long to swill with him, to play with her,
Till he be sure of the venereall murre.

Epigram. 26. In Malchæonem.

Iealous Malchæon thinkes his wife will doe it,
And she, poore soule, to saue his soule, falls to it:
Would eu'ry iealous man had such a wife,
He should be sure, be sau'd by his beliefe.

Epigram. 27. In duas meretrices litigantes.

Francke and Kate wage law, wherefore?
Because that Francis calld Kate whore;
Yet Kate is knowne, and Francis too,
Wenches that will not sticke to doe:
Faith Kate, let fall thy Action
Law prooues it no detraction:
I, him that weaues, a Weauer call,
No vantage to be got at all:
And how can Francke be found too blame,
That to thy trade so fits thy name.

Epigram. 28. In Salonum.

Oft in the night Salonus is inclinde,
To rise and pisse, and doth as oft break winde;
If's Vrinall be glasse, as 'tis no doubt,
I wonder it so many crackes holdes out.

Epigram. 29. In Caium: Dantur opes nulla nunc nisi diuitibus.

When Caius needed no mans amitie,
He might haue beene beholding vnto many:
But when he sought in his calamitie,
He could not be beholding vnto any.
Then eu'ry man his kindnesse gen recall,
His friends forgat they euer knew the man,
His kinsfolkes were to him no kin at all;
All scorn'd their quondam kind companion.
A common case, and true it is we see,
With seeming friends, how we shalbe attended,
The whilst our state stands happy, who but wee?
O how the fortunate shalbe befriended!
But when foule fortune throws vs to the ground,
Lo then they seeke occasion to be gone:
To beate that dog a staffe is quickely found,
Hang him (say they) we n'er knew such a one.
Riches are onely giuen to the rich,
And he that's downe, shal still lie in the ditch.

Epigram. 30. In Rusticum generosum.

Why hath our Age such new-found Gentles made,
To giue the Master to the Farmers sonne,
And bid, Good morrow Goodman to his Dad,
Whence hath his brat those brauer titles wonne?
He that saw nothing but the seething pot,
That n'er went further then Chimney corner,
His father sonne (so like him eu'ry iot,)
Why is he better then the elder Farmer?
Except, as said King Philip long agone
(Seeing his subiects honour Alexander)
Men giue more reuerence to the Rising Sunne,
Then vnto that which to the West doth wander:
So did the Macedonians adore
For Philips manhood, Alexanders godhead;
So may we set this sonne, his site before,
And call the father, Clowne, the son a Gods-head.

Epigram. 31. Shroue teusday.

You belly-gods, behold your Bacchanals,
The Calends of the Epicures are come,
Bombast your guts vntill you breake your galls,
Fat you with flesh; to morrow't goes from home:
Now lard your lips, and glut your greasie logs,
You Hinxy-hinds, you Bul-biefe-bacon-hogs.

Epigram. 32. In Rufum legentem præcedens Epigr.

Rvfus was reading the fore-going time,
Early one morne when he was fresh & fasting;
O Lord, said he, for that thrice happy time!
Or that Shroueteusday might be euerlasting!
I lookt, and laught, and saw a wondrous matter,
Eu'n as he wisht his mouth began to water.

Epigram. 33. In Apparitores.

Cite-sinne the Sumner is a sharking lad,
He seemes to friend offenders by forbearance,
Onely a tricke to trie what may be had;
If nothing, ware their Doomes-day of appearance;
They must come in, the Court commaunds it so,
And pulls his Processe from his frighting powch,
Shews to their names the terrible EXCO:
This crowing Cocke makes country lions crowch,
With's Coram nomine keeping greater sway,
Then a Court-Blew-coat on Saint Georges day.

Epigram. 34. Lectori.

It will be thought to many, that I am,
For some inuectiue vaines that I doe vse,
Rather a Satyre then an Epigram,
But who so thinkes mistakes my merry Muse:
Who thogh she smite at first in th'end doth smile,
And laugh at that she so dislikt erewhile.

Epigram. 35. Epitaphium meretricis.

Graues are gone on commonly we see;
'Tis no offence to them that buried be:
Why then this graue is for the common tread,
And so was she too that therein lies dead.

Epigram. 36. Quis cladem.

More did not Dulake, nor Godfry of Bullen,
Beuis of Hampton, nor Guy Erle of Warwicke,
The Knight of the Sun, the three Kings of Cullen,
Nor all the world twixt Douer and Barwicke,
Nor any man, if his Cap made of woollen,
At land, at sea, without Castle or Carricke:
Feeders on mans flesh, bloud-suckers braue lacke
Hath thum'd many thousands, and kil'd with a knacke.

Epigram. 37. Lectori.

Whoop, whoop, me thinkes I heare my Reader cry,
Here is rime doggrell: I confesse it I;
Nor to a certaine pace tie I my Muse;
I giue the Reines, anon the Curbe I vse;
And for the foote accordingly I fit her,
To diuerse matter vsing diuerse meeter,
Her lines, they are as long as I allot her,
As why not, vessels be as please the Potter,
Nor care I for a Censors ciuill hood,
I please my selfe, at home my Musicke's good.

Epigram. 38.

[Men are growne monsters now at last]

Men are growne monsters now at last,
By their apparells alteration:
Their knees are bigger then their waste,
Else how came in the Cloake-bagge fashion?

Epigram. 39. In Heredi petam.

Aged Leontus hath much land and wealth.
And but one son, & that same one soo sickly,
Sickely to see his father in such health,
My proper squier looks the church-books weekly,
Compares his fathers with his grandsires yeares,
And how long all that lignage wont to liue,
And yet his father; O! and then he sweares
To haue him winded, what would he not giue?
Fie on this sinne of sonnes, for not this one,
But many thousands wish their fathers gone.

Epigram. 40. Ad Risum.

Laughter to thee that art mirths eldst-begot,
My sportiue idlenesse I dedicate;
Good shew thy teeth, or if thou hast them not,
Let's see bare gums, these threed: bare smiles I hate,
To see ones lippes drawne in a direct line,
Yawne me, and laugh, vntill thou fall to coughing,
And on thy hip-bone lay that hand of thine,
And sweare thy hart is almost broke with laughing,
Your Puritanicke laugh I doe detest,
And heare them say; 'tis pretty; Hang your pretties
Laugh till thou haue the Hickocke in thy chest,
Else get, and sit, and laugh amongst the petties:
Shall I speake plaine? I do not care a f.
For ha ha hes that come not from the hart.

Epigram. 41. Asinus ad Liram.

In merriment, I once vpon a time,
Did make a Clowne acquainted with my rime:
And gaue him leaue to turne a merry leafe,
Although I knew, I sung to one was deafe:
Yet how he, with blind eies, and iudgement blinder
Couldlook and like (for then a foole none kinder)
And laugh and draw his lips aside and smile,
At that he vnderstood not all the while:
Nay I dare sweare for right conceiuing mee,
His fathers horse had as much wit as hee.

Epigram. 42. In Elizabetham.

Besse doth Actionize her husbands Crowne,
And trimming his head proues she trimmes her owne,
And yet her head is still attir'd but badly,
Besse, once, quoth I, I would the reason gladly,
Mine owne (quoth she) do you not that descry,
My Husbands mine, and that same head trimme I.

Epigram. 43. In Fungum.

Fvngus the Vsurers dead, and no Will made,
Whose are his goods? they say no Heire he had,
Sure I should thinke (and so hath Law assign'd)
They are the deuils, for he's next of kind.

Epigram. 44. In Gulielmum.

VVill would haue Officers reforme well one fault,
And punish seuerely transporting of Mault:
Peace Will, there's none can remedy the matter,
It hath gone, and will go away, still by water.

Epigram. 45. In Rollonem.

Rollo hath made away a faire estate,
Well seated Lord-ships, goodly Mannor places,
And now they say he walkes a simple mate:
Hee is no Ianus, hath not many faces,
And yet he hopes and harpes vpon a string,
And here's his comfort: friends he hath in Court,
By them hee'l get some forfeits of the King;
Some Statute-breach, no matter whom it hurt,
Or get some office, or perchance procure
A Corporation for some petty Trade,
Himselfe free on't too, may he not? yes sure
If Beggars may a Company bee made,
Or fooles, or mad-men, some rich charter get,
There is some hope of Rollo's rising yet.

Epigram. 46. In Sextinum.

A pretty blocke Sextinus names his hat,
So much the fitter, for his head, by that.

Epigram. 47. Encomion Cornubiæ.

I loue thee Cornwall, and will euer,
And hope to see thee once agen,
For why thine equall knew I neuer,
For honest minds and actiue men:
Where true Religion better thriues:
And God is worshipt with more zeale;
Where men will sooner spend their liues,
To good their King, and Common-weale;
Where vertue is of most esteeme,
And not for feare, but loue, embrac't:
Where each mans conscience doth seeme
To be a Law, and bind as fast:
Where none doth more respect his purse,
Then by his credite he doth set:
Where Words and Bonds haue equall force,
And promise is as good as debt.
Where none enuies anothers state,
Where men speake truth without an oath:
And what is to be wondred at,
Where men are rich, and honest both.
Where's strickt obseruance of the Lawes,
And if there chance some little wrong,
Good neighbours heare and end the cause,
Not trust it to a Lawyers tongue.
Where, as it seemes, by both consents,
The Sea and Land such

Ex piscatione, & [illeg.]

plenty brings,
That Land-lords need not rack their rents,
And Tenants liue like petty Kings.
Where goodnesse soly is regarded,
And vice and vicious men abhor'd:
Where worth in meanest is rewarded:
And to speake briefely in a word:
I thinke not all the world againe,
So neere resembles of Saturnes raigne.

Epigram. 48. In laudem Pensanciæ.

What euer Markaiew pretends
Vpon some musty old record,
For Noblest hearts and truest-friends,
Pensance shall euer haue my word:
No little Towne of like account,
On this side, nor beyond the Mount.

Epigram. 49. In Hieracem.

Hierax now a Hermite may become
He dwels alone, and not a neighbor by him,
Indeed there stood: but hee, for elbow roome,
Demolisht quite the village that stood by him.
Pox on his coine, that scuruy white and yellow,
Haue made him

Country prouerb.

Bailife Acham, without fellow.

Epigram. 50. In Caconum.

Caconus thinkes his Dad doth do him wrong,
To liue and keepe a way the land so long:
Why, he hath liu'd these 80. yeares and odde,
And yet he is not going towards God;
Hee's neuer sicke, nor e're will bee, hee thinkes,
With such an appetite hee eates and drinks:
Sleepes soundly, walkes, and talkes with such a courage,
And sops his dish himselfe, and sups his porridge;
And lookes so buxsome, bonny, and so blithe,
Not dreaming once of death, or Times sharpe sithe.
His father; why hee'le be, (hee'l hold a Testor)
Some nine-liu'd Cat, at least, some three-liu'd Nestor.
His soule, she needs no transmigration dout,
Shee hath a body will so long hold out.
An Heire: why if the sates thus still deferre it,
Impossible to liue for to inherite.
I thinke in very troth (if troth were knowne)
Hee would his fathers death, and feares his owne.
A habite now a daies in sonnes soone gotten,
Scarce ripe they wish their Parent: dead and rottē.

Epigram. 51. In Brusorem.

Brusor , is growne to be a man of wealth
Onely by knauery, cozenage, and stealth.
As all men know, yet none dare say so much,
For now he's honest, why; because he's rich?

Epigram. 52. His defiance to Fortune.

Hence cares, I will none of your wrinkled furrowes,
Before my time, to make mee to looke old;
Ile not submit my yonger yeares to sorrowes,
No sullen-sadnesse shall of mee take hold:
And though the ragged hand of fortune shake mee,
As that my neerest kindred will not know mee,
And all my old acquaintance quite forsake mee,
And whilome friends no friendship now will show mee,
Though cruell chance doth rack me with that rigour,
Would make almost the stoutest fall to stouping,
Yet shall my heart retaine her wonted vigour,
And this my Muse shall keepe my minde from drouping:
Perhaps I'le triumph too, and make lowd boast,
How Fooles haue fortune, and braue men are crost.

Epigram. 53. In Medicastrum.

Once, and but once, in my most grieuous sickenesse,
I sought by Physicke to support my weakenesse
And got mee vnto no great learned man,
No Galenist nor Paraculsian:
One that had read an English booke or two,
Yet what durst hee not vndertake to do?
Hee tooke in hand, the Urinall I brought him,
And told me what some Almanacke had taught him
Surueid my water, gaue mee such an answere:
As well I wot show'd but a simple censure:
In fine; I found in him no other matter,
But I to cast my money, hee my water;
And I returned poorer in my purse,
But sicke in body, as before, or worse.

Epigram. 54. In Iohannem.

Iacks once curl'd Scalpe, is now but skin and bone,
There's not a haire awry for there is none:
And call it by what name you list to vse,
Or Scalde or Balde, there's not a haire to chuse.

Epigram. 55. Et dare sutori calceus ista potest.

O let me laugh before I tell you how,
Old Miso's sonne is growne a Caualier,
Become a flat Recusant to the Plow:
Hang't, he a drudge, and bee his fathers Heire,
Nay, such a one's Leifetenant of the Shire,
And't shall go hard but he will weare his cloth:
Or he'le serue him that shal be Shriefe next yeare,
Not for the world will he liue as he doth,
He'le shake of that same home-made russet sute,
And booke his father but hee will haue better,
Whose name hee knowes sufficient to do't:
The Mercers glad too of so good a detter.
Loe in a Blew-Coate, or a Liuery Cloake,
Who swaggers it, but good sir Clunian;
His hands behind him, or in either poke
Hee's eu'ry Gentleman's companion:
When by his leaue, in good time bee it said,
And Ape's an Ape, how trimme so ere aray'd.

Epigram. 56. In Grobenduck. Animum gerit is muliebrem.

Sir Grobenduck i'th house is better skil'd,
Then with his seruants working in the field;
Hee markes the maids, and what they haue to do,
To wash in Sope, to Bucke, to Bake, to Brew,
Milke, and make Cheese, Churne Butter, Spin, and Card:
To call the Pigs and Poultry in the yard,
Grope Hens and Ducks: i'th house what longs vnto it
Or he see's done, or he himselfe doth do it,
And but for wearing long-coates, like in all
To the Assirian Sardan ipall:
This Woman-man, this House-Hermophrodite,
Doth liue nor like a Ludy, nor a Knight.

Epigram. 57. In Prodigum.

Poore Prodigus brags wheresoere he comes
How much hee hath consumed in his daies:
How many hundred pounds, no lesser summes:
Think'st Prodigus this can be for thy praise,
Thou, whose decline can neuer be redeemed
Of friends, of fortunes, eu'ry way defac'st,
An Irus now, though Cræssus late esteem'd:
Think'st thou the world takes notice what thou wast?
No, no, thou shalt be ballanc'st as thou art,
Mens minds are metamorphoz'd with thy meanes,
And want can alienate the truest heart,
And: Loe, (saith some one) how on vs hee leanes,
Perhaps hee thinks that wee will beare him out:
Hee sayes it too, perchance, that cost thee much:
The whilst thou bragst thou hast not spar'd to do't,
For him ere now, and twenty other such:
“When none but fooles would boast the bankrout ioy
Of Once wee flourssht; wee haue beene of Troy.

Epigram. 58. Sine sanguine & sudore.

Rafe challeng'd Robin, time and place appointed,
Their parents hard on't, Lord how they lamented,
But, God be thankt, they were soone free'd of feare,
The one ne're meant, the other came not there.

Epigram. 59. In Laurettam.

Lauretta is laid o're, how Ile not say,
And yet I thinke two manner of waies I may,
Doubly laid or'e, videlicet, her face
Laid or'e with colours, and her coate with lace.

Epigram. 60. Cur Uulcanus non Planeta.

Why is not Vulcan, many times I wonder,
Amongst the seuen Celestiall Planets one:
He that made Ioue the Gyant-quelling Thunder,
When he kept shop within the Torrid

[illeg.]

Zone?
Why not as well as Mars the God of strife?
Or Saturne he that lookes so dull and dunne?
Why not as Mercury that cunning Theefe;
Or that prospectiue-glasse-ei'd God the Sunne?
I wonder why not rather then his wife?
Or changing Moone (and one as horn'd as hee?)
I cannot find the reason for my life,
Except (and that may chance some reason bee)
Because a fellow of no Influence:
Bad in Coniunction, worser in Aspect,
And therefore Mars got the preheminence,
For he suppli'd, where Uulcan made defect:
Besides his polt-foot; all these might fore-token
Hee should no Planet be, but Planet-stroken

Epigram. 61. In Uopiscum.

A changling, no; Vopiscus scornes to doo't
Nor bee a shifter, still he's in one sute:
Yet for his Constancy, let none deride him,
For by his cloathes he seemeth semperidem:
Perchance Religious, and I should aread,
Some Capuchin by wearing still one Weed.

Epigram. 62. In Puritanum

VVho's that incountred vs but euen now,
With such a leuell and Religious a looke?
So graue and supercilious a brow
With such spruce gate, as if he went by th booke,
His cloake (not swaggring) handsomly, he wore
His head and beare short cut his little tuffe,
His doublet fit for's belly, and no more,
With seemely hose made of the selfe-same stuffe;
In all, how nearly, and not nicely trimine[illeg.]
Nay, and (me thought) his words as well he plac'd,
Saluting vs when we saluted him,
As e're I heard, I pre thee say, who wast?
Know you not him sir? 'tis a Puritan,
Trust me, I tooke him for an honest man.

Epigram. 63. Morum amorum, amicorum candidissimo cordatissimo, suo, Magistro Iohanni Smith Oxon.

What shall I say? but what I must say still,
Let any Cymcke with a light goe seeke,
At night, at noone-day, at what time he will,
He may looke long, and misse to finde thy like:
For a free spirit that breathes more sincerely,
In harmelesse sport, and mirth with innocence,
That loues his friend more truly, more entirely,
Speakes honest English without complements:
The womb that bare thee, bare thee not a brother,
For 2 such sons could not come from one mother.

Epigram. 64. Of Spencers Faiery Queene.

Virgil from Homer, th'Italian from him,
Spenser from all, and all of these I weene,
Were borne when Helicon was full to th'brim,
Witnes their works, witnes our Faiery Queene:
That lasting monument of Spensers wit,
Was n'er come neare to, much lesse equal'd yet.

Epigram. 65. In Phædram.

Now by her troth she hath bin, Phædra sayes,
At a play farre better edified,
Then at a Sermon euer in her dayes;
Phædra, 'tis true, it cannot be denied:
For Stage-plays thou hast giuen eare to many,
But Sermons Phædra neuer heardst thou any.

Epigram. 66. In Cæliam.

No, hang me Cælia, if I'l be thy guest,
We scarce begin to eate, but thou to chide;
This Goose is raw, that Capon is ill drest,
And blamst the Cooke, and throwest the meate aside:
When we sit iudging, that would rather eate,
No fault o'th Cooks, 'tis thou wouldst saue thy meate.

Epigram. 67. Typographo.

Printer, that art the Midwife to my muse,
To bring to light what is vnworthy light,
Let me intreate thee leaue thy wonted vse,
Print not at all, or print my booke aright:
Trouble not thou the Reader to goe see
Faults escap'd in the Impression,
Too much already is transgrest by me,
Augment it not in thy profession;
But where thou seest my imperfections wants,
The Sense scarse seeming intelligible,
Giue me the fairest Characters thou canst,
It is thy grace it goe foorth legible:
They that peruse, wil praise it for the print,
If for no other goodnesse they see in't.

Epigram. 68. In Lucam.

Luke sayes, Let Gallants gallant howsoe're,
They are but like the Moone, and he the Sun;
For eu'ry month a new sute they doe weare,
When a whole twelue month he is still in one:
T'would make you laugh, if you the reason knew,
He hath nor meanes, nor mony, to buy new.

Epigram. 69. Ad Sam, Danielem, vt ciuile bellum perficiat.

I see not (Daniel) why thou should'st disdaine,

Aetas prima canat veneres postrema tumultus: Master Daniels Mott prefixed to most of his Workes.

If I vouchsafe thy name amongst my mirth;
Thy Ætas prima was a merry vaine,
Though later Muse tumultuous in her birth:
Know, here I praise thee as thou wast in youth;
Uenereous, not mutinous as now;
Thy Infancie I loue, admire thy growth,
And wonder to what excellence 'twill grow:
When thou shalt end the broils thou hast begun,
Which none shall do, if thou shalt leaue vndone.

Epigram. 70. In Æmiliam.

Æmilia tooke her husband in a trippe,
Aduenturing his ware in a strange shippe;
Poore soule, she could no lesse, she chaft, and chid him;
But for she did no more, there she vndid him:
For now hee's sawcie, and there's little oddes,
Betwixt him and that Pagan-king of gods:
And cares no more then Ioue when Iuno spide him,
For now he knowes the worst, she will but chide him.

Epigram. 71. In Moscam.

While Mosca's teeth in eu'n ranks faire stood,
Her nose could neuer giue her chin the meeting,
Where now regarding not how neare in blood,
Th'are seene with shame, incestuously greeting:

Amant loca salsa columbæ.

Or it may be her chin's like a Salt pit,
And Pigeon-like her nose lies pecking it.

Epigram. 72. In Sotonem.

Soto , a country Iustice, at each Session
Speakes more then all the Bench, doth neuer cease,
'Tis contrary to his profession,
Or if a Iustice, surely none o'th Peace.

Epigram. 73. In Cleon.

Tis one of Cloes qualities,
That euer when she sweares, she lies:
Dost loue me Cloe? sweare not so,
For when thou swear'st, thou liest I know:
Dost hate me Cloe? pre thee sweare,
For then I know thou lou'st me deare.

Epigram. 74. In Owenni Epigrammata.

Owen , not to vse flattery (as they
That tune mens praises in too high a kay)
Thus far, in troth, I thinke I may commend thee,

Semper excipio Martialem.

The Latines al (saue one) must come behind thee,
Adde yet one little, but a louely fault,
Thou hast: too little gall, but full of fair.

Epigram. 75. In Thuscum.

Thuscus doth vaunt be hath an Ouids vaine,
That for my eu'ry one verse hee'l make twain;
Licke he like

Vide Virgilij vitam.

Virgil too, I doe not doubt,
For lacke of liking, hee'l licke all his out.

Epigram. 76. In eundem.

Thuscus writes faire, without blurre or blot,
The rascall'st rimes, were euer read, God wot;
No maruell: many with a Swans quill write,
That can but with a Gooses wit endite.

Epigram. 77. Quid non ebrietas?

Ape-drunkards they are merry, Lion-drunkards mad,
Fox-drunkards cheat, Swine-drunkards lie and spew:
Goat-drunkards lust, and these, and more as bad,
Beasts attributes to men by drinking grew:
Yea this same sin when it disfigures least,
Deformes a man, and makes him but a beast.

Epigram. 78. In Carentium.

Carentius might haue wedded where he wood,
But he was poore, his meanes were nothing good:
'Twas but for lacke of liuing that he lost her,
For why, no penny now, no Pater noster.

Epigram. 79. In Leucam.

Leucas doth think 'twould countenāce my writ,
To dedicate it to a Puritan,
With some more solemne title set to it,
And a faire Preface to that holy man.
Tush Leucas, so my Booke, by such a tricke
Might be accounted a dissembler too.
A filthy minde, with an outward decke,
Why that is all the Puritan can doe;
Nay, let him with a penny-father face
O're-vaile his shame, and vizardize his sinne,
When none performeth fruits of lesser grace:
My times, such as they are, shall such be seene;
Their very title shall instruct men rather,
Grapes vpon therus how hopelesse 'tis to gather.

Epigram. 80.

[I haue some Kinsfolke rich, but passing prowd]

I haue some Kinsfolke rich, but passing prowd,
I haue some friends, but poore and passing willing,
The first would gladly see me in my shrowd,
Which in the last would cause the tears distilling:
Now which of these loue I? so God me mend,
Not a rich Kinseman, but a willing Friend.

Epigram. 81.

[Crispus could helpe me if he would]

Crispus could helpe me if he would,
Charus would helpe me if he could;
Would Crispus Charus mind did beare,
Or Charus but as wealthy were.

Epigram. 82. In Tiburn.

Tiburne is a Wrastler, yet can nor leg, nor trip,
But play at collars, and 'tis ods she throws you with a slip.

Epigram. 83. In lactantem Poetastrum.

One told me once of Verses that he made
Riding to London on a trotting iade;
I should haue knowne, had he conceal'd the case
Eu'n by his Verses, of his horses pase.

Epigram. 84. To Iohn Dunne.

The Storme describ'd, hath set thy name afloate,
Thy Calme, a gale of famous winde hath got:
Thy Satyres short, too soone we them o'relooke,
I prethee Persius write a bigger booke.

Epigram. 85. In Gallam & Gelliam.

If Galla frowne, is Gellia disdainefull?
Sure like the tradesmen of som towne they are,
Who for to make their merchādise more gainfull,
Do pitch a common price on all their ware:
And why not Galla and her fellow iade,
Vse common tricks too in their cōmon trade.

Epigram. 86. In Thuscum.

Thuscus , print not thy Epigrams, for men wil see
Th'hast suckt, nor with the Spider, nor the Bee:
Hony, nor Poison: not a droppe of a Gall,
There's not a corne of Salt among them all,
Thy wit hath beene an honest Innocent,
A Naturall, a Iohn-Indifferent:
Nay more, (to speake comparatiuely sportfull)
A Iohn in Porrige, neither good, nor hurtfull.

Epigram. 87. To George Chapman.

George , it is thy Genius innated,
Thou pick'st not flowers from anothers field,
Stolne Similies or Sentences translated,
Nor seekest, but what thine owne soile doth yield:
Let barren wits go borrow what to write,
'Tis bred and borne with thee what thou inditest,
And our Comedians thou out-strippest quite,
And all the Hearers more then all delightest,
With vnaffected Stile and sweetest Straine,
Thy in-ambitious Pen keeps on her pace,
And commeth near'st the ancient Commicke vaine,
Thou hast be guilde vs all of that sweet grace:
And were Thalia to be sold and bought,
No Chapman but thy selfe were to be sought.

Epigram. 88. In Milonem.

Here's Milo to be seene with a strange goose,
Not such as in the Stubble's wont to lagge,
Nor such as Tailers in their trade doe vse,
His is more costly, well may Milo bragge:
Besides, it came from Winchester: O rare!
Far got, deare bought, but no good Lady ware.

Epigram. 89. In Hodge.

Hodge sees men shun him, & doth wonder why,
They know (qd. he) my breath wil not infect them,
I neuer had the pox, nor plague yet, I;
These who so haue, men, worthily reiect them:
Hodge, thou hast pouerty, a worse disease,
Then pox, or plague, or twenty worse then these.

Epigram. 90. In Lucam.

As Harts their horns, as Serpents cast their skins,
Luke leaues his old faults, and a fresh begins.

Epigram. 91. In Elizabetham.

VVe say th' Iberians Belgia do oppresse,
But 'tis the French, if we be iudg'd by Besse:
Who knowes, where i'th low-countries (would she blab)
They made hot wars, and bred, and left a scab.

Epigram. 92. To Master W: Shakespeare.

Shakespeare , that nimble Mercury thy braine,
Lulls many hundred Argus-eyes asleepe,
So fit, for all thou fashionest thy vaine,
At th' horse-foote fountaine thou hast drunk full deepe,
Vertues or vices theame to thee all one is:
Who loues chaste life, there's Lucrece for a Teacher:
Who list read lust there's Venus and Adonis,
True modell of a most lasciuious leatcher.
Besides in plaies thy wit windes like Meander:
When needy new-composers borrow more
Thence Terence doth from Plautus or Menander.
But to praise thee aright I want thy store:
Then let thine owne works thine owne worth vpraise,
And help t'adorne thee with deserued Baies.

Epigram. 93. To his worthy friend Maister Heywood, of his Gold and Siluer Age.

So wrote the ancient Poets heeretofore,
So hast thou liuely furnished the stage,
Both with the golden, and the siluer age,
Yet thou, as they, dost but discourse of store,
Siluer and gold is common to your Poet,
To haue it, no; enough for him to know it.

Epigram. 94.

[Two Gallants in a bawdy house once fought]

Two Gallants in a bawdy house once fought
Who first should be possest our of the prey,
The stronger man by force won what he sought,
Yet got he not the glory of the day:
For sure in my opinion I held,
The man that lost was he that wonne the field.

Epigram. 95. In Ægyptum suspensum.

Charles th' Ægyptian, who by iugling could,
Make fast or loose, or whatso'ere he would,
Surely it seem'd hee was not his crafts-maister
Striuing to loose, what struggling he made faster,
The hangman was more cunning of the twaine,
Who knit, what he could not vnknit againe.
You Country-men Ægyptians make such sots,
Seeming to loose indissoluble knots;

The Egyptians [illeg.].

Had you beene there, and but to see the Cast,
You should haue won had you but laid: 'Tis fast.

Epigram. 96. Of Tho. Nash.

Nash had Lycambes on earth liuing beene
The time thou wast, his death had bin al one,
Had he but mou'd thy tartest Muse to spleene,
Vnto the forke he had as surely gone:
For why there liued not that man I thinke,
Vsde better, or more bitter gall in Inke.
Ore Lycambinae, rabioso occiderit ambas
Archilochus, Quia patrem & filiam furce.
Auson: Carminibus adegit.

Epigram. 97. Ceneri Thomæ Baugh, qui dum ambit & amittit Rectoriam, S. Sepulchr. moriens, ibi Sepulchrum inuenit.

Stellified Baugh, St pulchers much mistooke
That tooke thee not, as worthy as another,
And knew'st as well to ope the seuen-seal'd Booke,
And bring them sweet Milk from the Church their Mother,
But they reiected thee as Berea Paul.
For which thy blessed soule shooke off her dust,
And let her fraile corruption mongst them fall,
And now shee sings and Saints it with the iust:
Now heauen her to a happier place prefer'th,
Then to be Saint Sipulchred here on earth.

Epigram. 98. Aliud.

To loose by Fortune, and to win by Fate,
Such was the case of learned Baugh of late;
He sought S. Pulchers; where (though not his lot
To haue S. Pulchers) yet a graue he got.

Epigram. 99. Fata Epigrammata:

I wish not with ambitious desires
These lines eternity, no I do not,
Nor yet to liue the nine liues of a Cat:
For few and none but those blest heau'n inspires,
Are like to liue vnto another age;
Our former Writers, wee count barbarous,
Succeeding times may do as much for vs;
And then shal we be throwen off the Stage,
Yea eu'n the best; much lesse these idle toyes
May they hope life; but like th' abortiue birth
No sooner borne but dead, so this my mirth:
Or at the most some Tearme, or two, inioyes.
Epigram's like the stuffs your Gallants weare,
Hardly hold fashion aboue halfe a yeare.

Epigram. 100. Conclusio.

Heywood wrote Epigrams, so did Dauis,
Reader thou doubst, vtrum horum mauis,
But vnto mine whose vaine is no better
Thou wilt not subscribe, Relegetur, ametur:
Yet be it knowne though thou do not heed vs,
I am, Mihi domi placens citharadus,
Although in thy good will I should rather glory,
To haue thy good word Suffragari labori.
Thus carefull of loue, carelesse if thou hate vs,
I rest I protest, in vtramque paratus.

Martial.