Satyres :: :: University of Virginia Library

Commend my Selfe? No! But my Booke I may!
And boldly (blamelesse) 'tis Praise-worthy say.
How so? The sencelesse Substance well may plead
My Selfe I was not, when the Booke I made.

Of his deare Friend the Author, H. F.

Of what is heere thou'lt not haue any write
Prayses: that willing, would: and iustly might,

Permit me then! For Ile Praise what I see
Deficient heere (thy name Fitz-Ieoffery,)

Where English Fitz aright, and I ha'done
So rightly art thou called Ieofferyes-Sonne.

Then adde time Age but to thy industry,
In thee againe will liue Old-Ieoffery.

Nath: Gvrlyn.

The Author's Answer.

Of what is Heere I forbid any Write
Praises. Why? Nothing Heere can merite it:

Yet Ile Permit thee. Thoul't but Praise my Name.
And that's Deficient. Then Praise not for shame

Where do (Fitz) right: Write, place it to ye minde:
Stil rightly must (Fitz) Ieofferyes come behind wrought:

French must turne English first, (strange wonders)
(Olde) be a new Borne: The (Sonne) brought to nought.

[The First Booke of Satyricall Epigrams]

Nvnc satis est dixisse, Ego mira poemata pango:
Occupet extremum scabies!
Horat: De Arte Poeti.

Anglicè sic

Now 'tis inough to speake,
I wondrous Poemes make:
Then, Diuell the hindmost take.

Satyra prima.

Lib: I.

VVho'd not at venture Write? So many waies
A man may proue a Poet now a daies?
Does Nature witt afford to breake a Iest?
This is a Poet: and his friends protest
He is to blame he Writes not: when (indeed,)
Th' Illiterate Gull can neither write nor read.

Let Nature faile! Takes he but so much Paine,
To write obscurely: adding so much Braine.
As end his crabbed sencelesse verse in Rime:
This might a Poet beene in Perseus time.

And more! (Though Horace in his book reherses)
(Nature and Arte are both requir'd in Uerses.)
There are those, of their Poetry will vaunt,
Which do (God wote) both Wit & Learning want:
I know them! Such as they at Table sit
Each Iest you speake, will to a Metre fit.
And thus your Witt's sell for their priuate gaine
And bee accouted Poets for their paine.

Others there are, that Others workes suruay,
And must from all thinges some thing filtch away.
Who if to weaker Braines they can vnfolde
A Learned Author: nick a Phrase thats olde:
Or change but one word in a line or two:
Straight all's their owne, they write, who doubts it so?
When I wood scarce beleeu't, though they, in fine,
To euery Verse subscribe: By Ioue 'tis mine.
Nor is't inough they this in priuate show,
But these are Poets, all the world must know.

'Tis strange to see what stretching is of Wits,
What spare of speech this plentious Presse begets.
Some (if you keepe them company) you'l finde
As choise to breake a Iest as to bteake winde.
And what's the reason thinke ye? Onely this:
All they can speak's too little for the Presse.
Where 'tis not losse of Friend, Life, Libertie,
Shall cause them keepe a Iest in secrecy.

Others haue helpes: when their Inuention faile,
Straight they begin abusiuely to raile.
Then out comes Whelps of the olde Dog: for sport:
Shall barke at Great ones: bite the meaner sort:
When the On-setters (after all their paine:
For feare, woo'd gladly call them in againe.
And these will Poets bee accounted too:
Because they Dare doe more then others doe.
Though they their Verses write, (a man may say:)
As Clown's get Bastards, and straight runne away.

Montanus needes will bee a Poet! why?
Because the Muses on a Mountaine hy
Inhabited. Peto for that his Name
Denotes him Poet in the Anagrame:
And Quaint Castilio: (since his Father dy'd!)
Who many Volumes publish't: and beside
Diuers neglected, Left vnto his Son:
Which dubbes him Poet, by præscription.
True! And Castilio will approued bee,
Or he will Print his Fathers Legacy.

And marke Crisippo, but what shifts he'l finde,
Ere he'l bee counted once to come behinde,
In euery Booke he will bespeake afore:
The comming out, roome for halfe a score
Or a dozen Verses, which he'l hugely puffe
With commendations of the Authors stuffe.
And in Hyperbolyes his Name extoll
Yond Homer, Virgill, Ouide, Iuuenall.

Vouching no better Volume, ere was Writ,
And that himselfe hath had a Hand in it.

Oh this vaine-Praise-Affecting Poetry
Is a bewitching-itching Leoprosie:
That makes men Rub, scrub, rouz and touz their Braine,
Pump their Pates dry for Iests: and all to gaine
So much Report: might serue to make them vaunt,
They are Applauded (though of Ignorant.)
They'l snatch, and scratch, and scrape (though nere so ill)
And rather smart then holde their fingers still:

Be there a Citty show: or sight at Court:
Of Acts Heroicke: or of Princely sport:
which right to write of, or in Type to tell:
Might taxe a Daniels or a Spencers quill.)
Marke how these hungerbit Inuentions scud
To eye! to spy! All for no other good
Then onely this! poore this! But to obtaine:
Some fodder for their needy greedy straine.

See then how (Enuy) gin's her eyes to fat
On dainties plenty, and repines thereat:
How muttering Momus (that knowes not to bite,)
Grumbles and mumbles mouthfuls out of spite.
How currish (Critticks) most seuerely harke:
Ready at each sound of applause to barke.
How all together, and how each a part
Stretch, retch, faine, strain, Inuention, Iudgement Art,
Raile, Lybell: what not? Rather then labour loose
Iest on your Gesture: or be-lye your cloathes.
A subiect fitter for a Beadles fist
Then the tart lines of a smart Satyrist.

Let Natures causes (which are too profound
For euery blockish sottish Pate to sound.)
Produce some monster: some rare spectacle:
Some seauen yeares Wonder: Ages miracle:
Bee it a worke of nere so sleight a waight,
It is recorded vp in Metre straight,

And counted purchase of no small renowne,
To heare the Praise sung in a Market-towne.
How many Volumes lye neglected thrust
In euery Bench-hole? euery heape of dust?
Which from some Gowries practise, Powder plot,
Or Tiburne Lectur's, all their substance got:
Yet tosse our Time-stalles youll admire the rout
Of carelesse fearelesse Pamphlets flye about.
Bookes, made of Ballades: Workes: of Playes,
Sightes, to be Read: of my Lo: Maiors day's:
Post's, lately set forth: Bearing (their Backe at)
Letters, of all sorts: An intollerable Packet.
Villains discouery, by Lanthorn and Candle-light:
(strange if the author should not see it to hādle right)
A Quest of Inquirie: (Iacke a Douer's)
The Iests of Scoggin: and diuers others
(which no man Better the Stationer knowes)
Wonderfull Writers; Poets in Prose.

What poste pin'd Poets that on each base Theame,
With Inuocations vexe Apollo's name.

Springes for Woodcockes: Doctor Merriman:
Rub and a good Cast: Taylor the Ferriman.
Fennor, with his Vnisounding Eare word;
The vnreasonable Epigramatist of Hereford:
Rowland with his Knaues a murniuall;
Non worth the calling for, a fire burne em all:
And number numberlesse that march (vntolde)
Mongst Almanacks and Pippins, to be solde.

Apologie.

These Ill which berter Dare thē know to wright,
Makes those (I know) not dare wt better might;
For who ist now attempts to Print, but knowes,
He must be one or censured on, of Those!

For my part (Gallants) it was nere my hap,
On high Pernassus Top, to take a nap:
Or the Diuine Nine sisters Fount to see:
Whence I might steale a sip of Poetry.
These Idle Uerses (which I Idle made)
None but the Idle I request to read:
Then what Applause looke I for, all may guesse,
When none may looke for Praise from Idlenes.

Finis Saty: Prima.

Satyra Secunda.

A Morall Satyre.

Qvidam Sunt Videntur & non Sunt Videntur.

Proæmium.

I taxe no Times, I beare no Furyes scourge:
I bring no powerfull Fountaine springes to purge
This vicefull Lerna, this Angean slye,
From long neglected noysome filthery.

Vaunt Varlots then: Grizely Tartarian curres:
Vice-Pack-horses: Swaines of inchanting pleasures:
Wallow in Lake of Leaudnesse: racket: yell
And all the world with thundring vproare fill,
Till angry Ioue his Chaos drench agen
And a new nature of milde molde begin.

Yet knowe (Earths Of-scums) I haue force, and woo'd
Vncase, vnlase, your Leaudnes: make ye scud:
Lash at Lines length: and instrike such a print,
Shu'd make ye startle, had ye hartes of flint,
Coo'd I finde Patrons to maintaine me in't.

Satyra.

Bvt range my Muse! find out some fresher Game,
Some Mayden matter, some vnchased Theame.
Beat through ye throwes of these disordered times.
The thorny thickets of contagious crimes,
And rouz from squat, pursue with æger cry,
The lurking Leaudnesse, strong scent villany,
Of those close Foxes, who (in milder skins)
Inuey, and guesse inuectiuely at Sinnes:
Bite with sharpe censure: and seuerely scan
The inward Vertues, by the outward man.

Beshrow mee (Sirs) if I dare strout in street,
Winke at a Window: A God-dam-me greet:
Vsher a Lady: but salute her Gloue:
Or Kisse a Maide for manners more then Loue:
Cringe to a Seriuener: be conuersing seene
In Ludgate, with a broken Citizen:

Turne oft in Pauls: call for a stoole o'th Stage:
Or walke atended with my Hackney Page:
Pace Turnball, Shorditch, Long-lane: or Pickt-hatch,
Least I be taken by this heedfull watch.
These pickthanke Pesants; that with Lynceus eye,
Inspect mans Actions too Iniuriously.

First to yon Masse of man: yon loade of Guts,
That all he handles in his belly puts:
Who euery meales meate makes a Masse cry,
Of Shambles, Poultry, Sea variety.
How on the Table he his Panch doth rest,
And stuffes it as a Wallet of the best.
Yet close his Buttockes rammes vp as in Pound
For feare o'th worst, to'th' good-behauiour bound.
Snorts at mid-day: yet startles at the sturre,
Of a betraying Boote, or tel-tale Spurre:
Cryes out of Fashions, as of Fasting-dayes,
Rebukes Excesse: gainst Vanityes inueyes:

Hates Vice as Hunger: and abhorres to stand
In sight of a (Sir reuerence) Saffron-band.
Tell him his Worship is too strictly wise:
His closest Trounces, full as full of vice.
As wide from Vertues meane as Largest size.

Next to yon Prester Iohn, that Learned Clarke:
Who after all my closest acts doth harke.
A man, that for a Wise one sure woo'd passe,
Shu'd there but 6. bee, as there 7. was:
Hee heretofore (out of his Loue exceeding)
Woo'd euer bee examining my Reading:
Now (more Officious) euer Checking is:
A strickt Remembrancer of all amisse.
Bid him bee lesse in Office: more in Loue:
Least he ere long Iacke out of Office proue.
Laugh, Laugh, Democritus! who can hold to heare
Socraticke Doctors, Catoes most austeer.

Roule vp the Records of Antiquity,
To frame Abridgements for youth's Liberty.
Accuse Wits folly. Times strange alterations:
The vaine expence of cloth consuming fashions,
When their allowance was (themselues can tell)
At least vnto a Codpisse halfe an Ell.

Lend me Athenian but a while thy light:
To scowre the scoutes, the Lurking holes of Spite,
And execrable Enuy: see the rout
Of Rascals: venome Vermin, I'le finde out:
Cankermouth'd Catchpoles, that in Ambush lye,
To wreck, to seck Vertues æternitie:
With poysnous blast of miscreant Infamy.

(Iustinian) is too Fortunate to beare
The name of Iust: (Flora) too Curtious farre
To harbour Honesty: (Varro) held to bee
Vaine, for his skilfull vaine in Poetry.

(Fantasticke) cannot with his Flaunders feete
Lock'd in his foure-wheele-casket vex the street:
Knocke in a Tauerne, but his Father heares,
Some 20 Leagues off. Luxurio feares
Retaine a seruant fairer then his wife:
Nor will Lorella in despaire of Life
Tell of her side-stitch or the Belly-ake,
Least she bee said Lucinas ayde to lacke.

Who is from scourge of Censure can scape free,
Yea (Temperate Nature) men will jerke at thee!
How suffer some but for a Sanguin Nose?
A Scarlet sconce? when each Logitian knowes
'Tis Vertues colour. How enuy some at
A Stirrill Chin? Or a top naked Pate?
Emblem of Truth, and Graces. What reproofe
Goes with a Limping Leg? Or Vulcan Hoofe?
Yea some so farre presume, as to define
Knaues, by their Bunch-back's, and their Goggle-eyne

When Accidents (affirmes the Stagerite)
Not Naturall cause no note but in Spirit.

Peace then Melampus, peace Albertus, Cocles:
Ptolœmie, Rasis, and Auerroes.
Gallon, Palemon: hence be silent all,
Or proue the cunning Huperphisicall.
And all lesse learn'd in Rules of Phisnomy:
That Natures notes, holde markes of Infamy.

Else (mincing Madam's) why doe we (alas!)
Pine at your Pencill and conspiring Glasse?
Your Curles, Purles, Perriwigs, your Whal eb one wheels:
That shelter all defects from head to heeles.
Making but Good what these count Vicious:
Yet not iniustly termed odious.

To strout in Purple or rich Scarlet dye
With siluer barres begarded thriftily:
To set in print the Haire: Character the Face:
Or dye in graine the Ruffe for Visage grace.

To clog the Eare with plummets: clag the wrests
With Busk-points, Ribbons, or Rebato-Twists:
From Barbors tyranny to saue a locke,
His Mistris wanton fingers to prouoke:
Such Trifles, Toyes: in these sharpe Crittitks view,
Throwes vs in number of the damued Crue.

As if a Frounced, pounced, Pate coo'd not,
As much Braine couer, as a Stoike cut.
Or practicke Vertue, might not lodge as soone
Vnder a Silken, as a Cynicke gowne.
Fond fond Philosophers: who e're definde
Vertue a Habite of the Cloathes but minde?

Tell me (precisely) what auailes it ware,
A Bongrace Bonnet, Eye-brow shorter Haire?
A Circumcized Ruffe? Conuerting Eye?
In Sadnesse? Yes Indeed? Yea Verily?
To beare a Bible euery Edifying day
Of an Armefull, (beside the Apochriphay?)

To carry no more cloath then skin: to shee
The Stockens worne at Knees, the Shooes at Toe?
If thou but nod at Fryers, Or be tane
Cloasly conuerting an impure Queane?
Found in a Morgage, not a minute spare?
Or turne Informer for a demyshare.

Who Vertue holdes a bare apparant Good,
Makes nothing Uice, that may assume a hood,
A vaile of Well, pure honesty no more
Then flat Hypocrisie: a painted Whore.
Countes nothing more (when indeed nothing lesse)
Then others mens Opinions Happines.
And Vertue (rare!) All thinges to be at End:
When euery action needs to Good must tend.

Giue me a Genius: a well tempred minde
which no Feare vrge: no Syren note can winde
From way of Right: that doth all Good approue
For no Good else, but for bare Vertues Loue.

Whome not Cymerian darknes, more then day:
Nor Gyges Ring could corrupt any way.

A Minde well mounted, that will scoffe at Hate,
Trample on Fortune, feircel Incounter Fate,
Spurne at the sound of Vulgar praise as base:
Spit a defiance in proud Enuyes face:
An armed Conscience that dares grapple with
A muster of Opinions, in the teeth:
Who though a Theater should striue bring out
His closest grosest Faults, and all about
Set on to barke: durst boldly stand it out.

Who thinks to trauerse so vpright the Stage
(Free from Contable of this Censorious Age:
Or aimes in Action at the Vulgar grace,
Of Hydra-Headed multitude, Applause;
Need frame himselfe a Nature that will brooke
As many shapes as euer Proteus tooke.

To crye God saue you with a Courtly grace,

To Kisse the Hand, to lay at Foote the Face;
To act the Cros-point Congey sleightly:
Is held Affecting Proud Humility.
To Vaile the Bonnet: stiffe as Elephant,
A Furlong off to cast a Complement:
To titch the Brimmes: or scarce to speake at all:
Wee stately, scornefull, hatefull Gesture call.
And carelesse carriage argues, Loues neglect:
In best indeauours Critticks finde defect.

Let me no oftner then Apollo appeare
To Laugh, to skip (like Phæbus) once a yeare,
To goe more formall then my wonted fashion,
Corrected in my Taylours last Edition,
To rectifie my Fore-top: or assume,
For one nights Reuels a 3. story Plume:
(Though some will Lasses weare, and Leekes as oft,
And with a more (perchance) Ambitious thought:
Straight 'tis surmised, rumord round about

I roare, I score, I lauish, lash it out.
Trifle Times Treasure: And keepe open port,
To all Companions of licentious sort,
When in a day or two, being found alone,
Hemmed in the hopefull habite of a Gowne.
By me a Plowdon or a Littleton.
Lord! what a new bred fame gins hence to passe,
How I am changed from the man I was?

Thus I can expectation falsify:
Weary out Censure in vncertainty:
Redeeme Time as I list: proue Want of Wit
In those that most inuentiue jerke at it:
And most precize, of greatest vice condemne.
Making my Faults theirs: by Belying them.

Know I can Frolique be with (Fregio)
Court it in Comptest phrase with (Curio.)
Come deepe the Caster: and Carouce it free.
(As farre as Vertues limites Licence mee.)

In as rich Grograns, Sattins, Tissues, goe
As Florence, Carles, Tartary can showe.
Meet, and crye farwell, to those spirits bolde
By Pistoll tenure that their Liuings holde,
Confer with Crop-eard knights ath'post; heare tell
Of Stangate prizes, and of Shooters Hill,
Of Brothells, Stewes, of vilest villanies,
And learne out Vertue by her contraries.

Fond Affectation, to be counted Great,
To be The man held: to be pointed at.
I e're neglected. Singularitye
May sometimes vertue be: nere Policye.
Who is a man of Note (note this from me)
Is sure ne're to offend in socrecie:
To liue in Bondage in Fames Iealosie.

Tis not the mouthfull of mans breath I care,
Nor seuere Censure of strict Criticks feare
In spite of Enuy, Hate 'twas neuer known:

But euer Fame will Vertue waite vpon;
And now, when Vertue Vice is held: whome is't
We may not Praise or Dispraise as wee list?

Then (Snarling curres) turne to this gally slyme.
Feed on the putrid substance of my Ryme,
Heer's Hotch-pot: Sosse: prouided filling stuffe
Shall finde your greedy Censures worke inough.
Where if I finde ye! Or but spie a traine:
A fresh haue at yee (Varlots) once againe.

FINIS.

To his worthy Friend vpon these Satyres.

Satyres in English? I pray God your fate,
Send's you not into the world too late
To proue there may be such; For there ha's bin
So much deceit in Satyres, 'tis a Sin
(Almost) to hope for good ones: They who best
Haue done, haue onely Dar'd: and more exprest
Their Passions, then a Poem. Nay eeuen all
Doe but conuert their little Braines to gall:
And bee it bitter once they care not then
How venomous it be. Which errors when
I see, and see how well approu'd they are,
'Tis more then miracle, Your's be so farre
Distinguished. And that you suruiue to Write,
More out of true discerning then of Spite.

I. Stephens.

The SECOND BOOKE: OF Satyricall Epigram's.

To his True Friend Tho: Fletcher of Lincoln's-Inne Gent

Tom!) 'twas thy Speeches did me first possesse
These scattered Epigramm's deseru'd the Presse.
VVhose Learned Iudgement, and Loue, I knew such,
Might wel Commend, and Command, twice as much.
If (Reader) then heer's ought may breed delight,
Giue halfe the thankes to him it brought to light.
Nor blush not (Tom!) nor blame not! that I seeme,
Thee the halfe-parent of my Booke to deeme.
Heer's nought but Good (if nothing they mis-scan!)
Let Critticks, Momus, All, say what they can!
Th' are Good: who doubts it? not, for ought I know:
Yet Good Ile sweare: because Thou saist th' are so.

Ad Emptorem.

Epig: 2.

These Epigrams thou see'st whose are they? mine?
No! The Book-binders: buy thē, they are thine.

In Thrasonem.

Epig: 2.

Since (Thraso) met one stoutly in the field,
He cracks his Spirit knowes not how to yeeld.
Looks big! Sweares! stroutes with set-side armes ye streets:
Yet gently yeelds the wall to all he meets.
And to his Friend that askes the reason why
His Answer's this: my selfe I grace thereby.
For euery one, the common Prouerbe knowes:
That All-wayes to the Wall the weakest goes.

Of a Rayling Clyeut.

Epig. 3.

I call'd one Knaue: who answered: (Sir) not so!
The Knaue doth all-way's with the Lawyer goe.
How could I well but well approue his speech?
Each Lawyer walkes, his Clyent at his breech.

Of Debt.

Epig. 4.

To bee Indebted is a shame (men say!)
Then 'tis Confessing of a shame, to Pay.

In Medicum.

Epig. 5.

When (Mingo) cries How do you sir! tis thought
He Patients wanteth? & his practic's nought.
Wherefore of late now euery one he meeteth,

With Sir I'm glad to see you well hee greeteth.
But who'l beleeue him now, when all can tell
The world goes Ill with him when all are Well?

Against the Accademicks of their abusiue Ignoramus.

Epig. 6.

The Law is in our Hands! How dare ye then
Abusiue bee? Cause ye are Law-lesse men:
Your fault was great! but wee neglect the same,
For ye excuse your Error in the Name.

In Cornutum.

Epig. 7.

One tolde his wife a Harts-head he had bought
To hang his Hat vpon: and home it brought,
To whome his frugall Wife: what needs this care?
I hope (sweete Hart) your Head your hat can beare.

No-lawes Reformation.

Epig: 8.

Since (No-law's) Father did him Counsaile giue
And said, hee onely by his Booke must liue.
Ha's bought the Law: and vowes his life to mend,
And most on's time will in his Studdy spend.
And (doubtlesse) so he meanes, for wot ye why?
Has chang'd his Bed, and doth in's Studdy lye:
How like ye (No-law) now? Is hee not wise?
Thus he is certaine by the Law to Rise.

Of Lucus and his long Haire.

Epig: 9.

Lvcus ) long locks down to his shoulders weares:
And why? He dares not cut them for his Eares.

Francisco's Trauels.

Epig: 10.

Ten monthes (I take it) are not fully gone,
Sinee bolde (Francisco) crost the Seas alone.
VVho late returned (one woo'd thinke it much)
A compleat Linguist: skilfull in the Duteb.
And more (if you knew all) for wot yee what?
In the Low-cuntry's hee the French hath got.

Of Braggado and his Valour.

Epig: 11.

Giue one bad word out comes Braggadoes sword,
And sweares (in rage) to sheath it in your guts.
But draw and stifly stand vnto your word,
And gently vp againe his blade he puts.
Craues your acquaintance: vowes he loues all such
As on their Reputation stand so much.

But bee he One that can his wroth containe,
He Scornes to strike him! Hee'l not strike againe.
When will Braggado then his manhood proue?
When hee meets one he doth not scorne, or Loue.

Of Duke and his Imprisonment.

Epig. 12.

Dvke ) lyes for Debt, yet nothing owes he'l sweare
Beleeu't, 'tis false, as sure as hee Lyes there.

Againe: Of Duke and the Debt.

Epig. 13.

Dvke's not in debt: yee doe him wrong to say it:
The Debt is—God knowes whose. His that will pay it.

(Guido's) Bounty.

Epig. 14.

Gift-gobling Guido alwayes, as he takes,
Vnto his Friend this hopefull answere makes.
I thanke you kindely: You haue beene at cost:
But (if I liue) you shall not finde it lost.
Then can I euer hope to liue and finde
Close-fisted Guido in the Giuing minde?
Nor can I thinke guifts lost, though Guido dye?
For who can loose that he doth Giue away?

Of Lawyers.

Epig. 15.

Some, Lawyers praise: & some their sect defame:
The first I cann't: the last I will not blame.
Nor yet esteeme Those lesse Praise-worthy, when
All loue not Vertue: No not most of men.

VVhome All men Praise I praise him not at all,
But rather him a Temporizer call.
When Two contend for, what but One must haue,
Who can doe Right and eithers fauours saue?
When one mans Losse anothers Game doth make,
And Loosers must, and will haue leaue to speake.
Then (Gertle Lawyers,) thinke it more then well,
If the halfe part of men your Praises tell.

To his Fellow Students.

Epig. 16.

To Rise by Law, a Life wee couet all.
Why? 'Tis Death to vs, by the Law to Fall.

Of Himselfe.

Epig. 17.

A friend of mine, (and yet no friend to mee,)
Comes oft and craues my Epigram's to see.

He waighes each word, & highly doth cōmend 'em
And much intreats me to the Presse to send 'em.
Thus (Foole!) my Labour's I let him pertake,
That Labour's mee a Foole imprint to make.

Of Phantasmo a Mistris Boaster.

Epig. 18.

Fy! fie (Phantasmo!) cease to raise
Such Trophæis in thy Mistris Praise.
Shee's Faire! what then? The house most white
Seeme Venus Birds most to inuite.
And Trees that fairest Fruite doe beare
VVith Stones assaulted oftnest are.
Shee's Pretty! Witty! cruell Wit,
If not Wisdome, Ioyn'd with it!
Shee's Kinde! 'Tis true! what better knowne?
VVhat worse? when Kinde to more then one.

Wrong not then my Purest Faire,
With this meane this skin compare.
Rather by thy Sonnets, seeke,
To make her Praises Venus like.
How ere she Propper: Faire her Feature:
Beleeu't shee's but a Common creature.

In Sextum.

Epig. 19.

Sextus ) 6. Pockets weares: 2. for his Vses:
The other 4. to Pocket vp Abuses.

Epig. 20.

Kit ) I commend thy care of all I know,
That plun'dst thy Cushion for a Pipe of To---
Now thou art like (though not to studdy more!)
Yet ten-times Harder then thou didst before.

Cynna's Theft.

Epig. 21.

Stolne Fruite is sweete: So cannot Cynna say,
That Stole a Wench, and had her tooke away.

Of Luce and her 4. Husbands, 3. of them thus Named, Small, Forman, Middleton.

Epig. 22.

Lvce ) late is left a Wealthy widdow:
(How can it other bee then so?)
Foure Husbands she hath buryed,
Yet would not stick againe to wed,
Which on her Hand she thus doth cast:
Small, Forman, Middleton: And my Last.
(Counting for euery finger One)
Which all (God wot) are dead and gone.
Then (Luce) beware a Fift to take,
Least so a Hand of all you make.

More-dew's Payment.

Epig. 23.

More-dew ) the Mercer (with a kinde salute)
Woo'd needs intreat my Custome for a Sute
He'r Sir (quoth hee) for Sattins, Veluets, call:
VVhat ere you please, Ile take your word for all.
I thank't! Tooke! Gaue my word! (say than?)
Am I at all indebted to this man?

Clyms Account.

Epig. 24.

Clym calls his Wife and reckoning all his neighbor
Iust Halfe of them are Cuckolds he auer's.
Nay fie (quoth she!) I would they heard you speak
You of your selfe it seemes no Reckoning make.

Of Sim, and his speedy Marriage.

Epig. 25.

Six months (quoth Sim) a Sutor and not sped?
I in a Sennet did both Woe and Bed.
:Who greene Fruit Loues must take long paines to shake.
Thine was some Downe-fall I dare vndertake.

A Manly Woman the best Wife.

Epig. 26.

Faire! manly! Wise! Imagine which of these
In Wedlock choise would best my fancy please?
Of all: giue me the Woman halfe a Man:
So I shall (happy) haue but halfe a Woman.

The Womans Answer.

Epig. 27.

If Halfe a woman best your Humour fit:
'Twere best to marry an Hermophrodite.

Tom's good Fortune in being Rob'd.

Epig. 28.

Tom ) tels hee's Rob'd, and counting all his losses,
Concludes: All's gone ye world is full of Crosses.
If all be gone (Tom) take this comfort then,
Th' art certaine neuer to haue Crosse agen.

Of Lawyers and Poets.

Epig. 29.

No mar'le that Lawyers, rich: Poets, poore liue,
One giues to take, the other, takes to Giue.

In Ignotum.

Epig. 30.

VVhat bred a Scholler: borne a Gentleman,
Of 5. yeares standing an Oxonian.

Of person Proper: of a comely Feature:
And shall I basely now turne Seruing-Creature?
(Foole!) hug thy fortune. S'fut 't may be thy making
A Ladyes proffered Seruice not worth taking?
Who her serues (sure) shall be well Borne: (and more)
One knowne sufficient for the Turne before.
The more thy Standing, greater (Foole) thy Grace.
And thou farre fitter to supply the place.
For men in seruing Ladyes much may get,
Then men of Best-parts soonest they'l admit.

In Sprusam.

Epig. 31.

When men speake Baudy knowest thou what's the matter.
(Sprusa) so often spitteth? (not to flatter!)
The cause (I take't) is this: Her teeth doe water.

Of the Riming Sculler.

Epig. 32.

Horace the Poet, in his Booke reherses,
That Water-drinkers neuer make good Verses.
Yet I a Poet know, And (in his Praise!)
Hee's one has liu'd by Water all his day's.

Sues Slip.

Epig. 33.

Sve swore she Lou'd mee: and vow'd faithfully
Neuer to match with any but with mee.
Now she hath chang'd her minde: and of All men
Will none of mee. Hath she not match't mee then?

Tell her she Trifles. Aske but to what end
She swore shee Lou'd? She meant but as a Friend.

Aske why Loue tokens she did priuate send?
Still shee replyes: She meant but as a Friend.

Aske why sh'Inuited mee to walke alone
where she her thoughts more fully did make known
Binding with Oathes, Deliuering Hand on that,
Sealing with Lippes, In Wttnesse I know what:
Casting her selfe downe by mee: where I could
And might haue tooke, what Suerty I would.
Still blamelesse, shamelesse, Shee will all defend,
Saying in all: Shee meant but as a Friend.
Then bee Sue such to all her Friends, as mee,
I'ad rather shee my Friend then Wife shu'd bee.

Of Win and her Sutors.

Epig: 34.

VVin is much wooed to, but not wonne of any:
The troth on't is: She doth admit too many.

Tym's Studiosity.

Epig. 35.

Marke ye how studious (Tym) is turnd of late?
How he breakes Company to meditate?
Does hee but thus continue, certainly,
Hee'l bee (at least) a Sargeant, ere hee dye.
Hee may doe (doubtlesse) much! yet I can tell,
Hee'l not come neere a Sargeant, by his will.

Ænigma.

A Begger once exceeding poore
A penny pray'd mee giue him:
And deeply vow'd n'ere to aske more:
And I, nere more, to giue Him.
Next day he Begg'd againe, I gaue,
Yet Both of vs our Oathes did saue.

Of an Egregious Whoore.

Epig. 36.

Thy Belly is thy God. I well may say!
All thy care is to serue it Night and Day.
Feare then thy God: least (whil'st thou worship so!)
He Rise, and Hellish torments put the to.

Of Felo and his Poetry.

Epig. 37.

Felo ) that lately kist the Gaole, hath got
A smacke of Poetry! yea more then that!
Hee will maintaine none can bee truely said
A Poet, that was neere Imprisoned.
:No Bird sings sweeter then the Bird in Cage.
:And Satyrists (like Dogs) ty'd, fiercest rage.

Thus will fond (Felo) proue by Disputation,
That New-gate is the Muses habitation.
But how so? when some there cannot reherse,
In a month's Learning, for their Liues a Verse.

To his Vnconstant Mistris.

Epig. 38.

I dare not much say when I thee commend,
Least Thou bee changed ere my Praises end.

Woman (quasi) Woe-man.

Epig. 39.

Had I not felt it misery to Woe,
I had beene marryed (certaine) long agoe.
Had I Not marryed, straight (Moroco) sayes,
I had not once felt Woe in all my dayes.

If after Woman as before comes Woe,
Woe worth the Man with Woman hath to doe.

For Lawyers.

Epig. 40.

I muse that Lawyers feare no more to marry
That from their Wiues must all the Terme-time tarry.
O Sir! If Termely absence breeds the Feare,
How many Frights each Lawyer, in a yeare?

Speudall's Pollicie.

Epig. 41.

Nouerint Vniuersi per præ—Thus began
(Notario) read, ere hee'd his Coyne forgoe.
Holde (cryes young Spendall:) S'fut you marre all man!
By any meanes my Father must not know.
For any money I'de not haue it so.

Of Liber too wary to Thriue.

Epig. 42.

Liber ) is late set vp, and wanteth Custome.
Yet great resort hath got: but hee'l not Trust 'em.
Is not his Loue vnto his Friend the greater?
Hee'l want himselfe, ere hee'l see him a Debtor.

In Lesbiam, ingratam.

Epig. 43.

Why I should Loue thee I no Reason see:
Then Out of Reason (Lesbia) I Loue thee.

Sir Hughes mistake.

Epig. 44.

In Marriage, Woman promise makes:
To serue her Husband all her Life.

Hence comes it that Sir Hugh mistakes:
That vses Seruants as his Wife.
And further yet the sence doth wrest,
Louing Her most that serues him best.

In Pontum.

Epig. 45.

Pontus comes Posting almost euery day,
And cryes How doe you Sir? Come, what's the play?
Who doubts but much his labour hee hath lost,
There coo'd tell, no more then coo'd the Post.

In Milonem.

Epig: 46.

Milo ) much blames mee, that in all my Verse,
I nothing in my Mistris Praise reherse.
Know I haue Volumes, and wou'd (I confesse.)
But can not get consent of Her to Presse.

Of Wine.

Epig. 47.

Physitians ) Wine at Spring-Time poyson call;
I hold! It neuer hurteth but ith' Fall.

In Presbiterum.

Epig. 48.

Presbyter ) that of late his Parish crost,
By his loose Liuing, hath his Liuing lost.
And will turne Begger: hoping by his Wittes,
To raise a Benefice from Benefitts
Foole! Studdy better, better meanes to liue.
To Learned Beggers, rare, or ne're men giue.
Where Art and Pouerty together dwell,
'Tis shrowdly to bee fear'd all is not well.
Men doe by Begging Liuings get (we see!)
Yet few get Liuings by their Beggery.

In Ignotum.

Epig. 49.

A Cornish Citizen came to his Wife,
Swore he had beene in danger of his life.
How man (quoth shee!) Faith pointing but at One
Counted the arrant'st Cuckold in the Towne.
Nay Lord (quoth shee!) what meant you Man to say it?
Fye you forget your Selfe too bad, be quiet.

The Iealous Man.

Care: I Feare: I Vexe full sore:
To Know of what would Vexe mee more.

The Wittall.

Know my Fate, and that must beare,
And since I Know I need not Feare.

Epig. 50.

How can (Sir Amorous) in his sute speede ill,
That hath his Mistris, euery where at Will.
Then worke thy Will of her, for know, of Olde,
Tayle Tenure hath been held the surest holde.

Incerti Authoris

Of a Bald-man.

Epig. 51.

Thy Haires, and sinnes, no man may æquall call
For as thy Sinnes increase thy Haires doe Fall.

An Answer to the same.

Epig. 52.

Yes: If thy Haires fall, as thy Sinnes increase,
Both will ere long proue æquall, Numberlesse.

In Philippum.

Epig: 53.

Call Phillip, Flat-nose, straight hee frets thereat!
And yet this Phillip hath a Nose, that's Flat.

To his Ingenious Friend Will: Goddard of his Booke intituled: Waspes.

Epig. 54.

True Epigrams most fitly likned are
To Waspes, that in their taile a sting must beare.
Thine being Waspes. I say, (whose will repine!)
They are not Epigrams are not like Thine.

Amor ex visu.

Of a Blind-man, Louing.

Epig. 55.

If Loue comes but by Sight: (as true we finde.)
Then needs must (Cæco) see: for he is Blinde.

Maxima amicitia inter æquales.

The Younger Brother to the Elder.

Epig. 56.

If Amongst æquals greatest Friendship bee,
Our Loue was Best in our minoritie.
When as this mutuall Lesson wee were taught,
To bee as Equall branches from One graft.
Then did wee Goe and Grow alike, as One,
No Difference had in Education.
So our Affections Sympathiz'd in all,
That no euent could come but mutuall.
So Neare so Deare, we both did Loue and Liue,
That each ones Breath to each might Being giue,
What more? So Life, and Losse, in all did linke vs,
That One that knew vs both, both one wou'd think vs.
Which in our Father bred this foule mistake,
Who gaue One all, and so did Difference make.

Vnitas non est numerus.

Epig. 57.

Rome for (Reuersio:) there's but One, Ile sweare
Betwixt him and 5. hundred a Yeare.
O happy, thrice (Reuersio) if that One,
(As none a Number) thou coo'dst number none!

Againe: Vnus Homo nullus homo.

Epig. 58.

One Man is no man: Proue that if you can,
(Reuersio) you for euer make a Man.

Natura nihil agit frustra.

Against Painted Women.

Epig. 59.

Most are of minde that Women are lesse Faire,
And more Deformed: then of Olde they were.

True! else In vaine woo'd Nature labour take,
To giue them Beauty, that can Beauty make.

To his Hearts conciled Honor.

Then Thee, the Goddesse did Diuinely frame,
For her Art's glory, and these Artists shame.

In Amicam dotem quærentem.

Epig. 60.

(---) Loues me, and woo'd wed, but wot ye what?
Vnlesse I make her Ioynture shee will not.
And whats this Ioynture. A future Estate
:Purchast by Prouidence, possest by Fate.
Whereon to Hopes vnkindnesse, griefe t'inioy,
A Sin, to wish for, in it selfe a toy.

A meerly neerl' Inuention, onely fit
To part false hearts, and not to Ioyne on it.
Then (---) on Ioynture doe not so much stand,
:All faithfull Louers are not borne to Land.
It breeds Distrust: Inferres suspition
Of other dislikes, to dislike thee on.
For was thy Loue, so firme as mine! with me
Thou'dst thinke no other but to liue and die.

Yet bee't as 'twill! ere Ile my Loue forgoe,
For want of what I need not: this Ile doe,
Take mee! Ile play th' Good-husband, and I will
Both Day and Night bee getting for thee still.
And what I get (and I will get for Life,)
Dying Ile wholly leaue vppon my Wife.

If this contents not! marke then what Ile say,
Dues must not bee demaunded till the Day.

Let (---) then Iustly Ioyne me to her now,
And then aske Ioynture when it shall grow Due.

Of a Lawyer and a Physitian, which the Better man.

Epig. 61.

A Quaint Physitian that had tooke Degree,
Like in his Habite: æquall in his Fee.
Being a man of Vniuersall grace,
Contended with a Lawyer for the place:
Sir (quoth 'Physitian) I am One you know
That before Lords and Ladyes vse to goe.
My Life secure, voide of seditious strife.
Not one dares once molest me, for his Life.
I oft am sent for, Lawyer then (bee se'd)
And haue to doe, with Ladyes in their bed.

Lawyer.

Be Patient (Doctor,) And take this from mee,
Tis not your Grace: like Habite: æquall Fee:

Nor Priuiledges all: (say what you can)
May make you bee, or seeme the better man:
I (as Apollo) am the God, to whome
All Countryes croutching doe for Counsaile come.
Iudge then my state! how Honored I liue:
How Liberall: Counsaile vnto all I Giue:
How Honest, That am sought too: free from Hate
When men will trust mee with their whole estate.
No not the statelyest Lady in the Land,
Will sticke to put her Case into my hand:
Goe to our Practise! (for my Countries care)
I most am stirring where Contentions are.
You in Infections, and Diseases raining,
Make out of Others losse and Hurt, your gaining.
I to suppresse Deceit, Truth's Causes vrge:
You, Humours to exhale, with Glisters purge.
Mistake not Doctor then, and you shall finde,
It is your Office for to come behinde.

Of 2. Painters contending for Præeminence in their Art.

Epig. 62.

Two Painters on a time at variance fell,
Which might each other in his Art excell.
One thinking straight to end so vaine a strife,
Pluckes forth the curious Picture of his Wife,
Swearing if ought of his could this surpasse,
Hee, of the Two the better Artist was:
The other more Learned in Philosophie.
Sayes All compares must amongst æqualls bee.
Now then (if this must the Contention end)
You of necessity your Wife must lend.
Then let me presently her with me take,
And I her Image shall more Liuely make.
Let no suspition cause you to deny her,
Ile make it speedily: And send it by her.
This done! The Artist cunningly did bid her,
Before him stand, as when her Husband did her.

Who speedily his Pencill forth did plucke,
And close himselfe vnto his worke betooke.
So Iustly Her hee fitted euery where,
She swore her Husband could not him come neere.
:No better Iudge then, can I haue, nor Will,
:Goe home and tell thy Husband of my Skill.
At whose returne the Good-man (fond to know)
Askt her the Ensigne of his Art to show.
(Quoth she) this time the Ground he onely laide,
It shall in time bee perfected (hee saide.)
Oft was he vrgent, (and woo'd Answer none,)
From day to day hee'd aske (What ha's hee done?)
It chanced so that in some 10. Months after,
Shee was deliuered of a goodly Daughter.
So like in all, to th' Mother was this Elfe,
That none could thought bee mother but herselfe.
Which Borne, she tooke, and to her Man did send it
Loe heere my Picture: Trie if you can mend it.

FINIS.

To the worthy Author vpon these Epigrams.

Let me not whilst I praise an Epigram,
Deserue a Satyre: Let not me who am
As nice in praising as dispraisiug still,
Commend your worke as trading Poets will:
For then I might praise Bookes I neuer read,
Bookes sencelesse, at least not Interpreted,
And sweare I know them good. Thus many doe
Commend and yet maintaine, their credits too:
Which, my poore Innocence hath much admir'd,
Till I perceiu'd these Poets who are hir'd,
In all respects are Shop-keepers: And they
Grow Bankroupts, if forsworne but once a day:
So these in wit grow beggerly whose sloath
Hath nothing but a Wager, or an Oath
To proue their owne or other mens desert:

And did not my per-vsall now conuert
My Iudgement to consider what I praise:
I might (as they) approue, and many wayes
Recant hereafter: But I giue them leaue
To Write vpon me, when they shall perceiue
Such scorn'd Inconstancie; and if they please
To doo't in Epigrams, Let them first learne These.
Which if they can learne, they may truely boast,
They haue aduantage gotten with the most.

Io: Stephens.

The Third Booke of Humours:

Intituled Notes from Black-Fryers.

Epigram.

To his Lou: Chamber-Fellow, and nearest Friend Nat: Gvrlin Of Lincolnes-Inne Gent.

Nat) Counsaile me! (faith!) what wod'st haue me doe
My priuate Notes produce in publique view?
Tush! mooue me not: yet (doubtles) tis rare stuff
And may Take, why not? if so! Good inough.
How ere (Nat) Patronize it, thou canst tell,
(If ought mislike:) I meant, and wish all well.
Then, Good: or Bad: heer (Sirs!) on liking take it
If Good, 'tis I: If Bad: tis you that make it.

Notes from Black-Fryers.

What (friend Philemo) let me thy corpes Imbrace!
So jumpe met in this vnfrequented place?
Then, faith! 'lets Frolique't: pre'thee whats ye Play?
(The first I visited this twelue monthes day.)
(They say)A new Inuented Toy of Purle
That ieoparded his Necke, to steale a Girle
Of 12: And (lying fast impounded for't)
Hath hither sent his Beard, to Act his part.
Against all those in open Malice bent,
That would not freely to the Theft consent.
Faines all to's wish, and in the Epilogue,
Goes out applauded for a famous ------

Now hang me if I did not looke at first,
For some such stuffe by the fond peoples thrust.
Then stay! Ile see't, and sit it out (what ere)
Had I at comming forth tooke a Glister:
Had Fate fore-read me in a Croude to dye:
To bee made Adder-deafe with Pippin-crye.
Come let's bethink our selues what may be found
To deceiue Time with, till the second sound:
Out with these matches fore-runners of Smoake,
This Indian pastime I could neuer brooke.
See (Captaine Martin) he ith' Renounce me Band
That in the middle Region doth stand
Woth' reputation steele! Faith! lets remoue,
Into his Ranke, (if such discourse you Loue)
Hee'l tell of Basilisks, Trenches, Retires:
Of Pallizadoes, Parepets, Frontires:

Of Cnluerins, and Baricadoes too:
What to bee Harquebazerd: to lye in Perdue:
How many men a Souldier ought to slay
For a Lieutenant-ship: or Twelue month Pay.
Hee'l read a Lecture (by his skill exceeding)
O Reputation: when it lyes a Bleeding:
When Tutcht: when Ingaged: when quite Dead,
Or How none may euer Fight once Baffled.
What satisfaction for the Lye: and when
Quarrels are mortall: when Seconds may come in.
Then of the Nether-lands! what Passes there:
What stout Performances: wherein hee'l sweare
As many weekely fall but for the Lye,
As did in hottest time of Sicknesse dye.
Last for his Manhood: how in furie (crost)
For a false reckoning once he slew his Host.
And late in England, (since his comming o're)
Into the Channell flung an Oyster-whoore.

For taking th' wall of him: seeme but to doubt
(The least) of these: straight he will plucke ye out
Handfuls of Reputation: gain'd of those
That dared not his Valour counterpose.
But wronging him: and call'd to account for't
In Satisfaction from their Hands woo'd part.
Which he puts vp, and gloriously puts forth
In Ordinaries to proclaime his worth,
Thinking to get (what common sence denyes)
Credit: by Pocketting vp Iniuryes.
Then Learne of him, he'l teach you how yee might
Be counted Valiant, and neuer Fight.
Look next to him to, One we both know well,
(Sir Iland Hunt) a Trauailer that will tell
Of stranger Things then Tatterd Tom ere li't of,
Then Pliny, or Heroditus e're writ of:
How he a remnant lately brought with him

Of Iacobs Ladder from Ierusalem:
At the Barmodies how the Fishes fly.
Of Lands inriched by a Lottery.
Of Affricke, Ægypt: with strange Monsters fild,
Such as nere Noahs Arke: nere Eden held.
And rarer Rarities, then all of these:
Iust now to bee discouered (if yee please!)
Such as woo'd make a Blind-man fond to see:
Conuicted Gallants loose their hopes and flie,
Most younger Brothers fell their Lands to buy,
Guyanian Plumes: like Icarus to fly.
Bvt stay! see heere (but newly Entred,)
A Cheapside Dame, by th' Tittle on her head!
Plot (Villain!) plot! Let's lay our heads together!
We may deuise perchance to get her hither.
(If wee to-gether cunniningly compact)
Shee'l holde vs dooing till the Latter Act.

And (on my life) Inuite vs Supper home,
Wee'l thrust hard for it. but wee'l finde her rome,
Heer Mis--- (pox ont! she's past, she'l not come ore,
Sure shee's bespoken for a box before.
Knowest thou yon world of fashions now comes in
In Turkie colours carued to the skin.
Mounted Pelonianly vntill hee reeles,
That scornes (so much) plaine dealing at his heeles.
His Boote speakes Spanish to his Scottish Spurres,
His Sute cut Frenchly, round bestucke with Burres.
Pure Holland is his Shirt, which proudly faire,
Seemes to out-face his Doublet euery where,
His Haire like to your Moor's or Irish Lockes,
His chiefest Dyet, Indian minced Dockes.
What Countrey may-game might wee this suppose,
Sure one woo'd thinke a Roman by his Nose.

No! In his Habite better vnderstand,
Hee is of England by his Yellow Band.
Now Mars defend vs! seest thou who comes yonder?
Monstrous! A Woman of the masculine Gender.
Looke! thou mayst well descry her by her groath,
Out, point not man! Least wee be beaten both.
Eye her a little, marke but where shee'l goe,
Now (by this hand) into the Gallants Roe.
Let her alone! What ere she giues to stand,
Shee'l make her selfe a gayner, By the Hand.
What think'st thou of yon plumed Dandebrat,
Yon Ladyes Shittle-cocke, Egyptian Rat:
Yon Musk-ball, Milke-sop: yon French Sincopace:
That Vshers in, with a Coranto grace.

Yon Gilded March-pane: yon All Verdingall,
This is the Puppet, which the Ladyes all
Send for of purpose and solicite so
To daunce with them. Pray (Sir) a step or two.
A Galliard or a Iigg: Pox ont! cryes hee,
That ere I knew this Toyling faculty.
Yet marke! No sooner shall the Cornets blow,
But ye shall haue him skipping too and fro.
A Stoole and Cushion! Enter Tissue slop!
Vengeance! I know him well, did he not drop.
Out of the Tyring-house? Then how (the duse)
Comes the mishapen Prodigall so spruse,
His year's Reuenewes (I dare stand vnto't,)
Is not of worth to purchase such a Sute.
Tush! is it now to question Gallantry,
When No-land for a rich Gratuity,

May Seale as deepe as can Auaro's Heire,
That may dispend fiue hundred a yeare?
When Tradesmen take by whole sale all they can,
Venting it out, on day, to any Man.
And then themselues for Twelu-pence in ye pound,
Will in the payment of the Debt be bound
And escape free by Breaking. This an age
To feare preferment? When a Rascall Page
An Abiect outside shall presume to Woe
Rich bruted (Cashia:) and hope better too,
Then hee that of the Of-scums of his Braine,
Can a man better then the (Vice) maintaine.
(Tut! 'tis the Mothers plot! Now she shall see
The Court sometimes! Oh Carnall Pollicy!)
Then who in Studdy woo'd spend Time in vaine?
Omit youth's pleasures for a fruitlesse paine?
Or for an Ayrie puffe of Enuy'd Praise,
Liue bound to th' Good-behauiour all his dayes.

Hang't! Let's be Iouiall! Braue it whilst we can!
Whats Coyne ordain'd for, but the vse of Man?
To Borrow is a Vertue, when to Lend,
Is to beget an euerlasting freind:
And may a man haue more said in his grace,
Then to bee Credited in euery place?
Hee's not a Gentleman I dare maintaine,
Whose Word runnes not as Current as his Coyne.
A Pipe heere (Sirra) no Sophistocate.
(Villain) the best: what ere you prize it at.
Tell yonder Lady, with the Yellow fan,
I shall be proude to Vsher her anon:
My Coach stands ready. Lord how me thinkes I long!
To carue the inside of a dry'd Neats-tong.
England cannot afford a kinder relish,
For Backragg, Deale, or your more pleasing Renish
When shall we make a pleasant cut to Douer,
In a mad merry Humor? And send ouer?

A Laugh shall rouz the Hage: shake Lesbon walls:
And raisd in Armes the fearfull Portugalls.
Say Gallants (faith) shall's neuer see the day,
When wee shall Fish-street once againe suruey.
A butterd Crab or Lobsters leg to get,
O Venus! How a Life I sauour it?
Who woo'd not all his Land spend had hee more,
Then in a day a Kite could hoouer ore.
T'inioy the pleasant Harmony that wee
Finde in this Microcosme, Man's societie.
When all is gone, tis weaknesse to dispaire,
Are there not wealthy Widdowes eu'ry where.
Ambitious Sick, woo'd part from all their Good,
To crowne their latter dayes with a French-hood?
Are there not Pates, in strange discoueries teaching
where mountains are of Gold? s'fut, tis but fetching!
Twenty such Fetches hath the (Sharke) to moue
Gallants of the first Head, but to approue

His swaggering Humor, vowes that all he spends,
He getteth brauely by his Fingers ends.
There's not a Cheapside Mercer (if he looke)
That will not sweare to't deeply on his booke.
No noted Notary in Cornwell row,
But is subscribed Witnesse there too.
Silkmen. Haberdashers, Tradesman all:
Inamor'd on him, for his Custome call,
And he takes all of them But woe to him
If he bee taken but by one of Them.

: Want it for Women woe shu'd all be men.
I cannot present better instance, then
In yon Spruse Coxcombe, yon Affecting Asse,
That neuer walkes without his Looking-glasse,
In a Tobacco box, or Diall set,
That he may priuately conferre with it.

How his Band jumpeth with his Peccadilly,
Whether his Band strings ballance equally:
Which way his Feather wagg's: And (to say truth)
What wordes in vtterance best become his mouth.
Oh! Hadst thou yesterday beheld the Valour
I saw him exercising on his Taylour.
How, out of measure, hee the Ruscall beat,
Not fitting to his minde his Doublet.
Lord! how I laught to see the witlesse Noddy,
Durst not reply, he meant it to his Body.
See Villain, Rogue! (And in he shrinks his brest)
Oh Heauens! Too wide a handfull at the least,
Straight it is Cut! And then proues (being try'd)
As much too little on the other side.
But what skil't! Hee'l haue an attractiue Lace,
And Whalebone-bodyes, for the better grace.
Admit spare dyet, on no sustnance feed,
But Oatmeale, Milke, and crums of Barly-bread.

Vse Exercise vntill at last hee fit:
(With much adoe) his Body vnto it.

Hee'l not approach a Tauerne, no nor drinke ye
To saue his life Hot-water, (wherefore thinke ye,)
For heating's Liuer! Which some may suppose
Scalding hote, by the Bubbles on his Nose.
Hee'l put vp any publique foule disgrace,
Rather then hazzard cutting of his Face.
If in his Element you'd haue the (Foole!)
Aske him when he came from the Dauncing-school
Whereas much Leather he doth dayly waste
In the French Cringe, which Ieremy brought last.
And more, then Coriat (I dare maintaine)
In going to the Alpes and backe againe.
Whereof, that all the world may notice take,
See! euery step an Honor hee doth make
That Ladyes, may denote him with their Fan,
As he goes by, with a Lo: Hee's the man.

Is't not a thing to bee admired at
That any man should Sing himselfe in debt.
Then who'd not giue as willingly a groate,
To heare (Fantasticks) admirable note?
:As see a Mandrake, or a Sea-monster:
:Edwards blade: with the Tombes at Westminster.
The Eagle at the Tower: St. Iames's Rarityes:
The Estrich, or Beauer, that woo'd worrey Trees?
(Amorous Fantasticke) that did neuer ayme at
A smaller Rise, then Ela in the Gamat.
That ne're conuersed but with men of Note,
Your Crotchet Pate, and your Organick Throat.
Neuer Ambitious more then to be able,
But to attaine vnto a Chamber Treble.
Wondrous proficient! See how the Gentlewomen
Throng to his Chamber doore, but dare not come in,
Why? least he rauish them! Tush! Laugh ye not,
H'as done (I wosse) as great exploites as that.

(Or else he cracks) the sweetnesse of his voyce
Ore-heard of Ladyes, hath procur'd him choyse
Of Matches: Noble, Rich: but hee'l not meddle,
And why (I pray?) for cracking of his Treble.
No! hee'l with better industry make tryall,
If hee can Match his Treble to the Uioll.
Gainst when, hee hath proclaim'd throughout the Citty,
To All your Witts, an Angell for a Ditty:
Faith! was he heere wee'd bargain for a Rime,
And heere he comes. So truely he keepes Time.
Bvt h'st! with him Crabbed (Websterio)
The Play-wright, Cart-wright: whether? either! ho—
No further. Looke as yee'd bee look't into:
Sit as ye woo'd be Read: Lord! who woo'd know him?
Was euer man so mangl'd with a Poem?
See how he drawes his mouth awry of late,

How he scrubs: wrings his wrests: scratches his Pate.
A Midwife! helpe! By his Braines coitus,
Some Centaure strange: some huge Bucephalus,
Or Pallas (sure) ingendred in his Braine,
Strike Vulcan with thy hammer once againe.
This is the Crittick that (of all the rest)
I'de not haue view mee, yet I feare him least,
Heer's not a word cursiuely I haue Writ,
But hee'l Industriously examine it.
And in some 12. monthes hence (or there about)
Set in a shamefull sheete, my errors out.
But what care I it will be so obscure,
That none shall vnderstand him (I am sure.)
Others may chance (that know me not a right,)
Report (iniuriously) all my delight,
And strength of studdy I doe wholly bend

To this Losse-labour and no other end.
To these I wish my scandald Muse reply
In as plaine tearmes as may bee 'Tis a lye.
Heer's but Pate-pastime: Play-house Obseruation,
Fruits of the vacants howers of a Vacation.
Then (say all what they can) I am sure of this,
That for Play-time it is not spent amisse.

Semel insaniuimus omnes.

Once wee haue all Beene Iouiall.

FINIS

To his worthy Friend, H. F. vpon his Notes from Black-Fryers.

Had the Black-Fryers beene still vn-suppressd,
I cannot thinke their Cloysters had bin blessd
With better contemplations: Seeing now
Lesse may be gleand from Puritanes then you
Haue gathered from the Play-house. And I must
(Though't bee a Players vice to be vniust,
To Verse not yeelding coyne) let Players know
They cannot recompence your labour: Though
They grace you with a Chayre vpon the Stage,
And take no money of you nor your Page.
For now the Humours which oppresse Playes most,
Shall (if the owners can feele shame) be lost:
And when they so conuerted doe allow,
What they dislik'd once, Players must thanke you,

And Poets too: for both of them will saue
Much in true Verse, which hisses might depraue:
Since you haue so refin'd their Audience,
That now good Playes will neuer neede defence.

Io: Stephens

Epilogue. The Author for Himselfe.

I am no Poet! (yet I doe not know
Why I should not: or why I should be so.)
I can (I must confesse) a Metre scan:
And Iudge of Verses as an other man.
I haue been Trayn'd vp'mongst the Muses: (more!)
The sacred Name of Phæbus I adore.

Yet I no Poet am! (I'de haue ye know)
I am no Poet (as the world goes now.)
:My Muse cannot a Note so poorly frame,
:As Inuocate a Penny-Patrons name.
:I cannot speake and vnspeake (as I lift:)
:Exchange a sound friend for a broken Iest:
:Conferre with Fountaines: or conuerse with Tree:
:Admit in my discourse Hyperbolyes.

I cannot highly praise Those highest are
Because they sit in Honours lofty chayre.
Nor make their States in Sonnets happy knowne,
Being (perchance) lesse happy then mine owne.
I cannot sing my Mistris shee is Faire:
Tell her of her Lilly Hand: her golden Haire,
Fetch a Comparison (beyond the Moone,)
To proue her constant in Affection.

:I dare not Her so much as Louely call:
:Or say I have a Mistris at all.
:Why? Ere too morrow, she will changed bee:
:And leave me laught at for my Poetry.
Had I of Scoggins Crowes writ: or set out
In Womans Praises what I was about.
I am perswaded (yet I cannot tell)
I had a Poet prou'd against my will.

Yet (ye vnproued good) blame not because
I yet as (doubtfull on your merits) pause.
I will produce and Patronize it too:
Finde I but one amongst so many true.
But Faine I cannot, heere is not a word,
Which I dare not maintaine true with my sword.
Poets men Lyers call. If so! Then (know it)
Hee is a Poet, doth mee call a Poet.

Post-script to his Book-binder.

Stationer ) A Good turne to thee I owe:
Heere! I will pay thee now in Folio.
But stay! Not soe: that I woo'd haue thee put
Mee in the Folio: or the Quarto cut.
Rather contriue mee to the Smallest size,
Least I bee eaten vnder Pippin-pyes.
Or in th' Apothicaryes shop bee seene
To wrap Drugg's: or to dry Tobacco in.
First (might I chuse) I would be bound to wipe,
Where he discharged last his Glister-pipe.

The Character I care not, Great, or Small,
So I bee plainly vnderstood of all.
Onely preserue mee from the sight of Those,
That cannot but must Read me in the Nose.
Then care to cast mee: not ith' Learned Roe,
Least I the Learned censure vndergoe.
Not lay me with scald Poets least I titch,
And so become infected with Their itch.
Let not each Pesant, each Mecannick Asse,
That neer knew further then his Horn-booke crosse.
Each rauin-Rusticke: each illiterate Gull:
Buy of my Poesie, by pocket full.
Bookes like made-Dishes may for Daintyes goe,
Yet will not euery pallate taste 'em so:

Then were it good, I should inioyne the Sell.
Mee vnto none but those that loue me well.

If any Puff-paste, Bumbaste Iobernole,
Wrapt in the Hangings of a Brokers-stall.
A halfe-Nose: or a Carbonado'd face:
Of a suspitious subtill Serpents pace.
Trust to a Basket-hilt: chances to drop,
But for a Resting-roome into thy shop.
And catches in his fatall hand my Rime.
To lurke in it, vntill hee see his Time.
Thrust him out head-long, for (beleiue him not)
Now (by the Mace) it is a Counter-plot.

If thou behold a Courtcast Satten-show,
Fallen from the Fashion a Degree or two.

One as goes purueying vp and downe for Tales,
To Iest his hungry stomacke into meales.
That with a merry pocket-Pamphlet will,
For a weeke after Laugh his Belly full.
Send him to Sojourne with Duke Humfrey,
Let him starue ere hee get a bitt of mee.
Least lying (Read) neglected in his Slop,
I bee conueyed vnto the Brokers-shop.
Or by his theeuish Page discouered:
Quickly conuerted into Ginger-bread.

If any Younger Brother, that noe more
Hath then a Daggle-tayl'd Sheep-skin kept in store:
Whose Annuall fleece will but bare meanes afford,
And with the Echer of his Brothers bord.

That sits a Ledger at his Fathers Table:
My Booke woo'd foudly purchase: (hardly able,)
To win, the presence by the Fiers side,
Of Mrs. Sis, or Sue the Dary-maide.
Or chooke the Rusticke Leather-lobs with laughter
Bid him goe studdy how to liue hereafter:
Read where more sollid substance hee may get
To Live vpon, or learne to goe in Debt.

Ye, ye, Braue Gallants: Patrons of liuely mirth:
Ye, the young hopefull Land-Lords of the Earth:
The youth of youth! That read most liberally,
More out of Pastime then necessity.
Yee worthy Worthyes! None elss (might I chuse)
Doe I desire my Poesie peruse.

For to saue charges: ere the Playes begin:
Or when the Lord of Libertie comes in.
And if a Booke must needs a Patron haue,
Yours is the onely Patronage I craue.
Others I wish the Stationer fore-warne.
With a Hand's off: It is not for your turne.

FINIS.