University of Virginia Library

The SECOND BOOKE: OF Satyricall Epigram's.

To his True Friend Tho: Fletcher of Lincoln's-Inne Gent

Tom!) 'twas thy Speeches did me first possesse
These scattered Epigramm's deseru'd the Presse.
VVhose Learned Iudgement, and Loue, I knew such,
Might wel Commend, and Command, twice as much.
If (Reader) then heer's ought may breed delight,
Giue halfe the thankes to him it brought to light.
Nor blush not (Tom!) nor blame not! that I seeme,
Thee the halfe-parent of my Booke to deeme.
Heer's nought but Good (if nothing they mis-scan!)
Let Critticks, Momus, All, say what they can!
Th' are Good: who doubts it? not, for ought I know:
Yet Good Ile sweare: because Thou saist th' are so.

Ad Emptorem.

Epig: 2.

These Epigrams thou see'st whose are they? mine?
No! The Book-binders: buy thē, they are thine.

In Thrasonem.

Epig: 2.

Since (Thraso) met one stoutly in the field,
He cracks his Spirit knowes not how to yeeld.
Looks big! Sweares! stroutes with set-side armes ye streets:
Yet gently yeelds the wall to all he meets.
And to his Friend that askes the reason why
His Answer's this: my selfe I grace thereby.
For euery one, the common Prouerbe knowes:
That All-wayes to the Wall the weakest goes.

Of a Rayling Clyeut.

Epig. 3.

I call'd one Knaue: who answered: (Sir) not so!
The Knaue doth all-way's with the Lawyer goe.
How could I well but well approue his speech?
Each Lawyer walkes, his Clyent at his breech.

Of Debt.

Epig. 4.

To bee Indebted is a shame (men say!)
Then 'tis Confessing of a shame, to Pay.

In Medicum.

Epig. 5.

When (Mingo) cries How do you sir! tis thought
He Patients wanteth? & his practic's nought.
Wherefore of late now euery one he meeteth,
With Sir I'm glad to see you well hee greeteth.
But who'l beleeue him now, when all can tell
The world goes Ill with him when all are Well?

Against the Accademicks of their abusiue Ignoramus.

Epig. 6.

The Law is in our Hands! How dare ye then
Abusiue bee? Cause ye are Law-lesse men:
Your fault was great! but wee neglect the same,
For ye excuse your Error in the Name.

In Cornutum.

Epig. 7.

One tolde his wife a Harts-head he had bought
To hang his Hat vpon: and home it brought,
To whome his frugall Wife: what needs this care?
I hope (sweete Hart) your Head your hat can beare.

No-lawes Reformation.

Epig: 8.

Since (No-law's) Father did him Counsaile giue
And said, hee onely by his Booke must liue.
Ha's bought the Law: and vowes his life to mend,
And most on's time will in his Studdy spend.
And (doubtlesse) so he meanes, for wot ye why?
Has chang'd his Bed, and doth in's Studdy lye:
How like ye (No-law) now? Is hee not wise?
Thus he is certaine by the Law to Rise.

Of Lucus and his long Haire.

Epig: 9.

Lvcus ) long locks down to his shoulders weares:
And why? He dares not cut them for his Eares.

Francisco's Trauels.

Epig: 10.

Ten monthes (I take it) are not fully gone,
Sinee bolde (Francisco) crost the Seas alone.
VVho late returned (one woo'd thinke it much)
A compleat Linguist: skilfull in the Duteb.
And more (if you knew all) for wot yee what?
In the Low-cuntry's hee the French hath got.

Of Braggado and his Valour.

Epig: 11.

Giue one bad word out comes Braggadoes sword,
And sweares (in rage) to sheath it in your guts.
But draw and stifly stand vnto your word,
And gently vp againe his blade he puts.
Craues your acquaintance: vowes he loues all such
As on their Reputation stand so much.
But bee he One that can his wroth containe,
He Scornes to strike him! Hee'l not strike againe.
When will Braggado then his manhood proue?
When hee meets one he doth not scorne, or Loue.

Of Duke and his Imprisonment.

Epig. 12.

Dvke ) lyes for Debt, yet nothing owes he'l sweare
Beleeu't, 'tis false, as sure as hee Lyes there.

Againe: Of Duke and the Debt.

Epig. 13.

Dvke's not in debt: yee doe him wrong to say it:
The Debt is—God knowes whose. His that will pay it.

(Guido's) Bounty.

Epig. 14.

Gift-gobling Guido alwayes, as he takes,
Vnto his Friend this hopefull answere makes.
I thanke you kindely: You haue beene at cost:
But (if I liue) you shall not finde it lost.
Then can I euer hope to liue and finde
Close-fisted Guido in the Giuing minde?
Nor can I thinke guifts lost, though Guido dye?
For who can loose that he doth Giue away?

Of Lawyers.

Epig. 15.

Some, Lawyers praise: & some their sect defame:
The first I cann't: the last I will not blame.
Nor yet esteeme Those lesse Praise-worthy, when
All loue not Vertue: No not most of men.
VVhome All men Praise I praise him not at all,
But rather him a Temporizer call.
When Two contend for, what but One must haue,
Who can doe Right and eithers fauours saue?
When one mans Losse anothers Game doth make,
And Loosers must, and will haue leaue to speake.
Then (Gertle Lawyers,) thinke it more then well,
If the halfe part of men your Praises tell.

To his Fellow Students.

Epig. 16.

To Rise by Law, a Life wee couet all.
Why? 'Tis Death to vs, by the Law to Fall.

Of Himselfe.

Epig. 17.

A friend of mine, (and yet no friend to mee,)
Comes oft and craues my Epigram's to see.
He waighes each word, & highly doth cōmend 'em
And much intreats me to the Presse to send 'em.
Thus (Foole!) my Labour's I let him pertake,
That Labour's mee a Foole imprint to make.

Of Phantasmo a Mistris Boaster.

Epig. 18.

Fy! fie (Phantasmo!) cease to raise
Such Trophæis in thy Mistris Praise.
Shee's Faire! what then? The house most white
Seeme Venus Birds most to inuite.
And Trees that fairest Fruite doe beare
VVith Stones assaulted oftnest are.
Shee's Pretty! Witty! cruell Wit,
If not Wisdome, Ioyn'd with it!
Shee's Kinde! 'Tis true! what better knowne?
VVhat worse? when Kinde to more then one.
Wrong not then my Purest Faire,
With this meane this skin compare.
Rather by thy Sonnets, seeke,
To make her Praises Venus like.
How ere she Propper: Faire her Feature:
Beleeu't shee's but a Common creature.

In Sextum.

Epig. 19.

Sextus ) 6. Pockets weares: 2. for his Vses:
The other 4. to Pocket vp Abuses.

Epig. 20.

Kit ) I commend thy care of all I know,
That plun'dst thy Cushion for a Pipe of To---
Now thou art like (though not to studdy more!)
Yet ten-times Harder then thou didst before.

Cynna's Theft.

Epig. 21.

Stolne Fruite is sweete: So cannot Cynna say,
That Stole a Wench, and had her tooke away.

Of Luce and her 4. Husbands, 3. of them thus Named, Small, Forman, Middleton.

Epig. 22.

Lvce ) late is left a Wealthy widdow:
(How can it other bee then so?)
Foure Husbands she hath buryed,
Yet would not stick againe to wed,
Which on her Hand she thus doth cast:
Small, Forman, Middleton: And my Last.
(Counting for euery finger One)
Which all (God wot) are dead and gone.
Then (Luce) beware a Fift to take,
Least so a Hand of all you make.

More-dew's Payment.

Epig. 23.

More-dew ) the Mercer (with a kinde salute)
Woo'd needs intreat my Custome for a Sute
He'r Sir (quoth hee) for Sattins, Veluets, call:
VVhat ere you please, Ile take your word for all.
I thank't! Tooke! Gaue my word! (say than?)
Am I at all indebted to this man?

Clyms Account.

Epig. 24.

Clym calls his Wife and reckoning all his neighbor
Iust Halfe of them are Cuckolds he auer's.
Nay fie (quoth she!) I would they heard you speak
You of your selfe it seemes no Reckoning make.

Of Sim, and his speedy Marriage.

Epig. 25.

Six months (quoth Sim) a Sutor and not sped?
I in a Sennet did both Woe and Bed.
:Who greene Fruit Loues must take long paines to shake.
Thine was some Downe-fall I dare vndertake.

A Manly Woman the best Wife.

Epig. 26.

Faire! manly! Wise! Imagine which of these
In Wedlock choise would best my fancy please?
Of all: giue me the Woman halfe a Man:
So I shall (happy) haue but halfe a Woman.

The Womans Answer.

Epig. 27.

If Halfe a woman best your Humour fit:
'Twere best to marry an Hermophrodite.

Tom's good Fortune in being Rob'd.

Epig. 28.

Tom ) tels hee's Rob'd, and counting all his losses,
Concludes: All's gone ye world is full of Crosses.
If all be gone (Tom) take this comfort then,
Th' art certaine neuer to haue Crosse agen.

Of Lawyers and Poets.

Epig. 29.

No mar'le that Lawyers, rich: Poets, poore liue,
One giues to take, the other, takes to Giue.

In Ignotum.

Epig. 30.

VVhat bred a Scholler: borne a Gentleman,
Of 5. yeares standing an Oxonian.
Of person Proper: of a comely Feature:
And shall I basely now turne Seruing-Creature?
(Foole!) hug thy fortune. S'fut 't may be thy making
A Ladyes proffered Seruice not worth taking?
Who her serues (sure) shall be well Borne: (and more)
One knowne sufficient for the Turne before.
The more thy Standing, greater (Foole) thy Grace.
And thou farre fitter to supply the place.
For men in seruing Ladyes much may get,
Then men of Best-parts soonest they'l admit.

In Sprusam.

Epig. 31.

When men speake Baudy knowest thou what's the matter.
(Sprusa) so often spitteth? (not to flatter!)
The cause (I take't) is this: Her teeth doe water.

Of the Riming Sculler.

Epig. 32.

Horace the Poet, in his Booke reherses,
That Water-drinkers neuer make good Verses.
Yet I a Poet know, And (in his Praise!)
Hee's one has liu'd by Water all his day's.

Sues Slip.

Epig. 33.

Of Win and her Sutors.

Epig: 34.

VVin is much wooed to, but not wonne of any:
The troth on't is: She doth admit too many.

Tym's Studiosity.

Epig. 35.

Marke ye how studious (Tym) is turnd of late?
How he breakes Company to meditate?
Does hee but thus continue, certainly,
Hee'l bee (at least) a Sargeant, ere hee dye.
Hee may doe (doubtlesse) much! yet I can tell,
Hee'l not come neere a Sargeant, by his will.

Ænigma.

A Begger once exceeding poore
A penny pray'd mee giue him:
And deeply vow'd n'ere to aske more:
And I, nere more, to giue Him.
Next day he Begg'd againe, I gaue,
Yet Both of vs our Oathes did saue.

Of an Egregious Whoore.

Epig. 36.

Thy Belly is thy God. I well may say!
All thy care is to serue it Night and Day.
Feare then thy God: least (whil'st thou worship so!)
He Rise, and Hellish torments put the to.

Of Felo and his Poetry.

Epig. 37.

Felo ) that lately kist the Gaole, hath got
A smacke of Poetry! yea more then that!
Hee will maintaine none can bee truely said
A Poet, that was neere Imprisoned.
:No Bird sings sweeter then the Bird in Cage.
:And Satyrists (like Dogs) ty'd, fiercest rage.
Thus will fond (Felo) proue by Disputation,
That New-gate is the Muses habitation.
But how so? when some there cannot reherse,
In a month's Learning, for their Liues a Verse.

To his Vnconstant Mistris.

Epig. 38.

I dare not much say when I thee commend,
Least Thou bee changed ere my Praises end.

Woman (quasi) Woe-man.

Epig. 39.

Had I not felt it misery to Woe,
I had beene marryed (certaine) long agoe.
Had I Not marryed, straight (Moroco) sayes,
I had not once felt Woe in all my dayes.
If after Woman as before comes Woe,
Woe worth the Man with Woman hath to doe.

For Lawyers.

Epig. 40.

I muse that Lawyers feare no more to marry
That from their Wiues must all the Terme-time tarry.
O Sir! If Termely absence breeds the Feare,
How many Frights each Lawyer, in a yeare?

Speudall's Pollicie.

Epig. 41.

Nouerint Vniuersi per præ—Thus began
(Notario) read, ere hee'd his Coyne forgoe.
Holde (cryes young Spendall:) S'fut you marre all man!
By any meanes my Father must not know.
For any money I'de not haue it so.

Of Liber too wary to Thriue.

Epig. 42.

Liber ) is late set vp, and wanteth Custome.
Yet great resort hath got: but hee'l not Trust 'em.
Is not his Loue vnto his Friend the greater?
Hee'l want himselfe, ere hee'l see him a Debtor.

In Lesbiam, ingratam.

Epig. 43.

Why I should Loue thee I no Reason see:
Then Out of Reason (Lesbia) I Loue thee.

Sir Hughes mistake.

Epig. 44.

In Marriage, Woman promise makes:
To serue her Husband all her Life.
Hence comes it that Sir Hugh mistakes:
That vses Seruants as his Wife.
And further yet the sence doth wrest,
Louing Her most that serues him best.

In Pontum.

Epig. 45.

Pontus comes Posting almost euery day,
And cryes How doe you Sir? Come, what's the play?
Who doubts but much his labour hee hath lost,
There coo'd tell, no more then coo'd the Post.

In Milonem.

Epig: 46.

Milo ) much blames mee, that in all my Verse,
I nothing in my Mistris Praise reherse.
Know I haue Volumes, and wou'd (I confesse.)
But can not get consent of Her to Presse.

Of Wine.

Epig. 47.

Physitians ) Wine at Spring-Time poyson call;
I hold! It neuer hurteth but ith' Fall.

In Presbiterum.

Epig. 48.

Presbyter ) that of late his Parish crost,
By his loose Liuing, hath his Liuing lost.
And will turne Begger: hoping by his Wittes,
To raise a Benefice from Benefitts
Foole! Studdy better, better meanes to liue.
To Learned Beggers, rare, or ne're men giue.
Where Art and Pouerty together dwell,
'Tis shrowdly to bee fear'd all is not well.
Men doe by Begging Liuings get (we see!)
Yet few get Liuings by their Beggery.

In Ignotum.

Epig. 49.

A Cornish Citizen came to his Wife,
Swore he had beene in danger of his life.
How man (quoth shee!) Faith pointing but at One
Counted the arrant'st Cuckold in the Towne.
Nay Lord (quoth shee!) what meant you Man to say it?
Fye you forget your Selfe too bad, be quiet.

The Iealous Man.

Care: I Feare: I Vexe full sore:
To Know of what would Vexe mee more.

The Wittall.

Know my Fate, and that must beare,
And since I Know I need not Feare.

Epig. 50.

How can (Sir Amorous) in his sute speede ill,
That hath his Mistris, euery where at Will.
Then worke thy Will of her, for know, of Olde,
Tayle Tenure hath been held the surest holde.

Incerti Authoris

Of a Bald-man.

Epig. 51.

Thy Haires, and sinnes, no man may æquall call
For as thy Sinnes increase thy Haires doe Fall.

An Answer to the same.

Epig. 52.

Yes: If thy Haires fall, as thy Sinnes increase,
Both will ere long proue æquall, Numberlesse.

In Philippum.

Epig: 53.

Call Phillip, Flat-nose, straight hee frets thereat!
And yet this Phillip hath a Nose, that's Flat.

To his Ingenious Friend Will: Goddard of his Booke intituled: Waspes.

Epig. 54.

True Epigrams most fitly likned are
To Waspes, that in their taile a sting must beare.
Thine being Waspes. I say, (whose will repine!)
They are not Epigrams are not like Thine.

Amor ex visu.

Of a Blind-man, Louing.

Epig. 55.

If Loue comes but by Sight: (as true we finde.)
Then needs must (Cæco) see: for he is Blinde.

Maxima amicitia inter æquales.

The Younger Brother to the Elder.

Epig. 56.

If Amongst æquals greatest Friendship bee,
Our Loue was Best in our minoritie.
When as this mutuall Lesson wee were taught,
To bee as Equall branches from One graft.
Then did wee Goe and Grow alike, as One,
No Difference had in Education.
So our Affections Sympathiz'd in all,
That no euent could come but mutuall.
So Neare so Deare, we both did Loue and Liue,
That each ones Breath to each might Being giue,
What more? So Life, and Losse, in all did linke vs,
That One that knew vs both, both one wou'd think vs.
Which in our Father bred this foule mistake,
Who gaue One all, and so did Difference make.

Vnitas non est numerus.

Epig. 57.

Rome for (Reuersio:) there's but One, Ile sweare
Betwixt him and 5. hundred a Yeare.
O happy, thrice (Reuersio) if that One,
(As none a Number) thou coo'dst number none!

Againe: Vnus Homo nullus homo.

Epig. 58.

One Man is no man: Proue that if you can,
(Reuersio) you for euer make a Man.

Natura nihil agit frustra.

Against Painted Women.

Epig. 59.

Most are of minde that Women are lesse Faire,
And more Deformed: then of Olde they were.
True! else In vaine woo'd Nature labour take,
To giue them Beauty, that can Beauty make.

To his Hearts conciled Honor.

Then Thee, the Goddesse did Diuinely frame,
For her Art's glory, and these Artists shame.

In Amicam dotem quærentem.

Epig. 60.

Of a Lawyer and a Physitian, which the Better man.

Epig. 61.

Of 2. Painters contending for Præeminence in their Art.

Epig. 62.

Two Painters on a time at variance fell,
Which might each other in his Art excell.
One thinking straight to end so vaine a strife,
Pluckes forth the curious Picture of his Wife,
Swearing if ought of his could this surpasse,
Hee, of the Two the better Artist was:
The other more Learned in Philosophie.
Sayes All compares must amongst æqualls bee.
Now then (if this must the Contention end)
You of necessity your Wife must lend.
Then let me presently her with me take,
And I her Image shall more Liuely make.
Let no suspition cause you to deny her,
Ile make it speedily: And send it by her.
This done! The Artist cunningly did bid her,
Before him stand, as when her Husband did her.
Who speedily his Pencill forth did plucke,
And close himselfe vnto his worke betooke.
So Iustly Her hee fitted euery where,
She swore her Husband could not him come neere.
:No better Iudge then, can I haue, nor Will,
:Goe home and tell thy Husband of my Skill.
At whose returne the Good-man (fond to know)
Askt her the Ensigne of his Art to show.
(Quoth she) this time the Ground he onely laide,
It shall in time bee perfected (hee saide.)
Oft was he vrgent, (and woo'd Answer none,)
From day to day hee'd aske (What ha's hee done?)
It chanced so that in some 10. Months after,
Shee was deliuered of a goodly Daughter.
So like in all, to th' Mother was this Elfe,
That none could thought bee mother but herselfe.
Which Borne, she tooke, and to her Man did send it
Loe heere my Picture: Trie if you can mend it.

To the worthy Author vpon these Epigrams.

Let me not whilst I praise an Epigram,
Deserue a Satyre: Let not me who am
As nice in praising as dispraisiug still,
Commend your worke as trading Poets will:
For then I might praise Bookes I neuer read,
Bookes sencelesse, at least not Interpreted,
And sweare I know them good. Thus many doe
Commend and yet maintaine, their credits too:
Which, my poore Innocence hath much admir'd,
Till I perceiu'd these Poets who are hir'd,
In all respects are Shop-keepers: And they
Grow Bankroupts, if forsworne but once a day:
So these in wit grow beggerly whose sloath
Hath nothing but a Wager, or an Oath
To proue their owne or other mens desert:
And did not my per-vsall now conuert
My Iudgement to consider what I praise:
I might (as they) approue, and many wayes
Recant hereafter: But I giue them leaue
To Write vpon me, when they shall perceiue
Such scorn'd Inconstancie; and if they please
To doo't in Epigrams, Let them first learne These.
Which if they can learne, they may truely boast,
They haue aduantage gotten with the most.