University of Virginia Library

VERSES CONTRIBUTED TO THE CHESTER COURANT.

I. TOM THE PORTER.

II. ON TESTS.

This contrast of Dissenter and Nonjuror
Shews, to be sure, which Side is much the surer:
Strong the Dissenter's, the Nonjuror's weak,
Who vainly for himself attempts to speak.
Says he—“That all Men by an equal Right
Judge for themselves, according to their Light;
That no Man's Conscience should be rul'd by Force,
Which needs not good ones, and makes bad ones worse;
That to impose however true a Creed,
Is what the World calls Popery, indeed;
That all, by Turns, lament the common Grief
Of Penal Laws to punish Men's Belief.”
All these are Arguments (it is confest)
With a Dissenter—that won't bear the Test.

III. MISS ---'S OBSERVATION UPON THE LATIN MOTTO.

Folks are grown witty upon one another;
But what's the Meaning of that Latin, Brother,
That stands a-top there of the lowest Wit?
“Why, ‘Indignation makes the Verse.’”—“That's it.
But, pray now, if one turn the Observation,
What's Latin for ‘The Verse makes Indignation?’”

IV. LOVERS OF LIBERTY.

“Balbus, methinks, the Friends of Liberty
Who preach up Freedom should let all be free.”—
“Aye, so think I; but you mistake the name:
These are not Friends, but Lovers of that same;
And Lovers are, you know, such selfish Elves,
They always keep their Mistress to themselves.”

V. DE FACTO LOYALTY.

Success the First begot Success the Second;
And then, when Queen Majority had reckon'd,
Success the Third was born; when he was dead,
Success the Fourth was crownèd in his stead.
So on, by Arithmetical Progression,
The Numbers christen'd give the true Succession.
Hats, Caps, and Bonnets do but talk at Random;
This is the Fact.—Quod erat demonstrandum.

VI. ON THE NATURALISATION BILL.

Sir, in my Mind, this is but half a Bill;
There wants the proper Tally to it still:
“Provided also, That We home-bred Caitiffs
Do clear the Coast for these Outlandish Natives.”
Let, for our Country's sake, this Clause remain,
And it shall have no Subject to complain.
Establish then, O Wisdom of the Nation,
For Foreigners a Naturalisation;
For English, Welsh and Scotch—a general Transportation.

VII. ON THE SAME.

Come, all ye foreign strolling Gentry;
Into Great Britain make your Entry;
Abjure the Pope, and take your Oaths,
And you shall have Meat, Drink and Clothes.

VIII. ON THE SAME.

So Romulus his Empire founded whilom,
And made for Foreign Helpmates an Asylum;
By whose Assistance, you may read in Livy,
O'er all the country round he rid Tantivy;
From ev'ry Quarter sturdy Villains ran,
And crown'd his Naturalisation-Plan.

IX. ON THE SAME.

With Languages dispers'd, Men were not able
To top the Skies, and build the Tow'r of Babel;
But, if to Britain they shall cross the Main,
And meet by Act of Parliament again,—
Who knows, when all together they repair,
How high a Castle may be built in Air?

X. ON THE SAME.

This Act reminds me, Gen'men, under Favour,
Of old John Bull, the Hair-Merchant and Shaver.
John had a Sign put up, whereof the Writing
Was strictly copied from his own inditing,
Under the painted Wigs, both Bob and Full:
“Moast Munny paid for living Here.—
John Bull.”

XI. ADVERTISEMENT UPON THE SAME.

Now upon Sale, a Bankrupt Island,
To any Stranger that will buy Land.—
The Birthright, note, for further Satis-
Faction, is to be thrown in gratis.

XII. THE RUMP PARLIAMENT: A HISTORICAL QUESTION.

Since Philalethes will indite no more,
John English comes to smooth the Blunder o'er.
He writes about it, and about it writes;
What he has read, and never read, recites;
Much vers'd in History, he ends his Puff:
“I might myself have made it.”—Like enough!
'Tis oft the case of learnèd Heretoforians,
Who read much History,—but no Historians.

XIII. ON THE SAME.

Hotspur was very ready to turn out,
And write irregularly Rump about;
But when his Trash Correctors came to read,
They altered “Jackanapes!” to “Pert indeed!”
Passing by Nonsense in all other Shapes,
Why should they turn thee out, poor Jackanapes?

XIV. THE GHOST OF THE RUMP.

The Ghost of Hamlet! Was that Ghost a Rump?
Then, make in Shakespeare one Correction plump;
And in its Speech to Hamlet, Sir, be bold
To spell aright: “I could a Tail unfold.”

XV. TO MISO-MANC. AND COMPANY.

Slain is the good old Cause, when Philaleth.,
A Rumpish Martyr, blunder'd to his Death;
The Fight renew'd by English Jack and Hal,
They worse confound the matter than Philal.
With three such Champions sure the Cause will thrive,—
One dead, and Two that are not yet alive.

XVI. HOW DIFFERS HISTORY, PRITHEE, FROM HISTORIANS?

Why, thus, dear Miso, deep in Hist'ry read:
You contradicted what Historians said;
By Proof, then, plain as one can well desire,
Your Hist'ry differs from Historians, Squire.
When your great Hist'ry-Reader makes a Blunder.
Another time be wiser, and knock under!

XVII. WHITWORTH'S VICARIOUS SUFFERINGS.

XVIII. BIRDS OF A FEATHER.

Answer Thereunto.

“ Dear me! has Wit and Verse, at last, no more
'Gainst Rump and Commonwealth to say in Store?
'Gainst Whig Opponents—” 'Tis all one, you see,
To say a Word 'gainst any of the Three,—
Rump, Commonwealth or Whig.—Birds of a Feather,
Proverb and Poet show, will flock together.

XIX. OAK-APPLE DAY.

A Stranger, once, on Restoration-Day
Rode through a Town, and then asked where it lay?
When, having learned that he came through the Place,
He turned his Horse; and, pondering the Case:
“Come through it?” says he; “so I thought I should,
But missed my Road in riding through that Wood.”

XX. THE CONTRAST BETWEEN TWO EXECUTED LORDS.

XXI. A GENUINE DIALOGUE BETWEEN A GENTLEWOMAN AT DERBY AND HER MAID JENNY,

IN THE BEGINNING OF DECEMBER, 1745.

Mrs.
Jenny , come here: I'm told that you have been
To see this Man.

Jen.
What Man?

Mrs.
Why, you have seen
The young Pretender, Hussy, at his Lodging.
Is it not so?—Come, tell me without dodging!

Jen.
Why, really, Madam, I was passing by,
Thinking no harm, not in the least, not I;
And somebody or other that I met—

Mrs.
What somebody?

Jen.
Indeed now, I forget;—
Said what a handsome Man he was; and so,
Begging your Pardon, Madam, I did go;
But had no ill Intention in the Thing.
A Cat may look, as Folks say, at a King.

Mrs.
“King” do you call him, ye rebellious Slut?

Jen.
I did not call him so, good Madam, but—

Mrs.
But me no butting; not another Day
Shall any Rebel in my Service stay;
I owe you Twenty Shillings,—there's a Guinea;
Pack up, and go about your Business, Jenny!
Matters are come indeed to a fine Pass!
The next Thing, I suppose, you'll go to Mass.

Jen.
“To Mass?” What Road? For I don't know the Place,
Nor could I tell which Way to turn my Face.

Mrs.
“Turn?” You'll turn Papist, and believe Black's White.

Jen.
Why, bless me, Madam, I han't lost my Sight!

Mrs.
And then the Priest will bid you cut my Throat.

Jen.
Dear loving Mistress; how you talk by Rote!
I would not hurt a Hair of your dear Head,
Were all the Priests in Mass to kill me dead;
And,—I don't say it with Design to brag,—
Since I've been with you, you han't lost a Rag.
I “cut your Throat” because I saw the P---e,
And never thought of “Black” or “White” e'er since!

Mrs.
Good! This is you that did not call him K---g;
And is not P---e, ye Minx, the self-same Thing?

Jen.
You are so hasty, Madam, with your Snarls!
Would you have me call the Gentleman plain Ch---s?

Mrs.
“P--- Ch---” again! Speak out your Treason Tales:
“His R---l H---s Ch---s the P--- of W---s!”

Jen.
Oh, Madam! You say more of him than me;
For I said nothing of his Pedigree.

Mrs.
“Pedigree!” Fool! What would the Wench be at?
What Pedigree has any Bastard Brat?

Jen.
Nay, I'm no Harold; be he what he will,
He is a charming Man to look at still.
When I was got in there, amongst the Throng,
His R---l H---s—

Mrs.
Hussy, hold your Tongue!

Jen.
You call'd him so yourself but just e'en now.

Mrs.
Yes, so I did; but then, the Manner how?

Jen.
And will you turn a Servant out o' Doors,
Because her Manners ben't so fine as yours?

Mrs.
Jenny! I say, you had no Business neither
To see the Creature, or go near him either.

Jen.
“Creature?” Nay, Pardon, Madam, he's no Creature.
But a sweet comely Christian, ev'ry Feature.

Mrs.
“No Creature!” Would you worship him, you Dunce?

Jen.
I would you were to see his Worship once!

Mrs.
How can the Girl cross Questions like a Fool!
Or think that I should go and see the Tool!
Jenny! tho' you have done so much amiss,
I pity such an Ignorance as this.
If you'll go mind your Work as heretofore,
And keep at home, I'll pass the Matter o'er.

Jen.

XXII. VERSES SPOKEN EXTEMPORE BY A SOLDIER THE DAY AFTER HE RECEIVED A FLANNEN WAISTCOAT, THROUGH THE BOUNTY OF THE QUAKERS.

This friendly Waistcoat keeps my Body Warm;
Intrepid now I march, and fear no Harm.
Beyond a Coat of Mail, a sure Defender;
Proof against Pope, the Devil, and Pretender!
The Highland Plaid of no such Pow'r can boast;
Arm'd thus, I'll plunge the foremost in their Host,
Exert my utmost Art, my utmost Might,
And fight for those whose Creed forbids to fight.

XXIII. ONE THING WANTING.

When, once, a King enquir'd (no Matter who),
How many Requisites in War would do,
The Monarch thought the Statesman had been funny,
Who answer'd: “Three, Sir: Money, Money, Money.”
But right he answer'd, as Affairs went then,
If Money would procure Allies and Men.
But modern Ministers keep up the Tune
And “Money, Money, Money!” cries each One.
But here the Diff'rence is: these modern Great
Buy only Promises whene'er they treat.
Tho' Money once suffic'd, we must allow,
Some further Requisite is wanting now,
Some higher Quality, to play our Part.—
Say, P---m, is it Honesty, or Art?