The poetical works of John Godfrey Saxe :: :: University of Virginia Library

Captain Jones was five-feet ten
(The height of Chesterfield's gentlemen),
With a manly breadth of shoulder;
And Captain Jones was straight and trim,
With nothing about him anywise slim,
And had for a leg as perfect a limb
As ever astonished beholder!

II.

With a calf of such a notable size
'T would surely have taken the highest prize
At any fair Fair in creation;
'T was just the leg for a prince to sport
Who wished to stand at a Royal Court
At the head of Foreign Legation!

III.

And Captain Jones had an elegant foot,
'T was just the thing for his patent boot,
And could so prettily shove it,
'T was a genuine pleasure to see it repeat
In the public walks the Milonian feat
Of bearing the calf above it!

IV.

But the Captain's prominent personal charm
Was neither his foot, nor leg, nor arm,
Nor his very distingué air;
Nor was it, although you 're thinking upon 't,
The front of his head, but his head and front
Of beautiful coal-black hair!

V.

So very bright was the gloss they had,
'T would have made a rival raving mad
To look at his raven curls;
Wherever he went, the Captain's hair
Was certain to fix the public stare,
And the constant cry was, “I declare!”
And “Did you ever!” and “Just look there!”
Among the dazzled girls.

VI.

Now Captain Jones was a master bold
Of a merchant-ship some dozen years old,
And every name could have easily told,
And never confound the “hull” and the “hold,”
Throughout her inventory;
And he had traveled in foreign parts,
And learned a number of foreign arts,
And played the deuce with foreign hearts,
As the Captain told the story.

VII.

He had learned to chatter the French and Spanish,
To splutter the Dutch, and mutter the Danish,
In a way that sounded oracular;
Had gabbled among the Portuguese;
And caught the Tartar, or, rather, a piece
Of “broken China,” it was n't Chinese,
Any more than his own vernacular!

VIII.

How Captain Jones was wont to shine
In the line of ships! (not Ships of the Line,)
How he'd brag of the water over his wine,
And of woman over the water!
And then, if you credit the Captain's phrase,
He was more expert in such queer ways
As “doubling capes” and “putting in stays,”
Than any milliner's daughter!

IX.

Now the Captain kept in constant pay
A single Mate, as a Captain may
(In a nautical, not in a naughty way,
As “mates” are sometimes carried);
But to hear him prose of the squalls that arose
In the dead of the night to break his repose,
Of white-caps and cradles, and such things as those,
And of breezes that ended in regular blows,
You'd have sworn the Captain was married!

X.

The Captain's morals were fair enough,
Though a sailor's life is rather rough,
By dint of the ocean's force;
And that one who makes so many, in ships,
Should make, upon shore, occasional “trips,”
Seems quite a matter of course.

XI.

And Captain Jones was stiff as a post
To the vulgar fry, but among the most
Genteel and polished, ruled the roast,
As no professional cook could boast
That ever you set your eye on;
Indeed, 't was enough to make him vain,
For the pretty and proud confessed his reign,
And Captain Jones, in manners and mane,
Was deemed a genuine lion.

XII.

And the Captain reveled early and late,
At the balls and routs of the rich and great,
And seemed the veriest child of fêtes,
Though merely a minion of pleasure;
And he laughed with the girls in merry sport,
And paid the mammas the civilest court,
And drank their wine, whatever the sort,
By the nautical rule of “Any port”—
You may add the rest at leisure.

XIII.

Miss Susan Brown was a dashing girl
As ever revolved in the waltz's whirl,
Or twinkled a foot in the polka's twirl,
By the glare of spermaceti;
And Susan's form was trim and slight,
And her beautiful skin, as if in spite
Of her dingy name, was exceedingly white,

And her azure eyes were “sparkling and bright,”
And so was her favorite ditty.

XIV.

And Susan Brown had a score of names,
Like the very voluminous Mr. James
(Who got at the Font his strongest claims
To be reckoned a Man of Letters);
But thinking the task will hardly please
Scholars who 've taken the higher degrees,
To be set repeating their A, B, C's,
I choose to reject such fetters as these,
Though merely Nominal fetters.

XV.

The patronymical name of the maid
Was so completely overlaid
With a long prænominal cover,
That if each additional proper noun
Was laid with additional emphasis down,
Miss Susan was done uncommonly Brown,
The moment her christ'ning was over!

XVI.

And Susan was versed in modern romance,
In the Modes of Murray and Modes of France,
And had learned to sing and learned to dance,
In a style decidedly pretty;
And Susan was versed in classical lore,
In the works of Horace, and several more
Whose opera now would be voted a bore
By the lovers of Donizetti.

XVII.

And Susan was rich. Her provident sire
Had piled the dollars up higher and higher,
By dint of his personal labors,
Till he reckoned at last a sufficient amount
To be counted, himself, a man of account
Among his affluent neighbors.

XVIII.

By force of careful culture alone,
Old Brown's estate had rapidly grown
A plum for his only daughter;
And, after all the fanciful dreams
Of golden fountains and golden streams,
The sweat of patient labor seems
The true Pactolian water.

XIX.

And while your theorist worries his mind
In hopes the magical stone to find,
By some alchemical gammon,
Practical people, by regular knocks,
Are filling their “pockets full of rocks”
From the golden mountain of Mammon!

XX.

With charms like these, you may well suppose
Miss Susan Brown had plenty of beaux,
Breathing nothing but passion;
And twenty sought her hand to gain,
And twenty sought her hand in vain,
Were “cut,” and did n't “come again,”
In the Ordinary fashion.

XXI.

Captain Jones, by the common voice,
At length was voted the man of her choice,
And she his favorite fair;
It was n't the Captain's manly face,
His native sense, nor foreign grace,
That took her heart from its proper place
And put it into a tenderer case,
But his beautiful coal-black hair!

XXII.

How it is, why it is, none can tell,
But all philosophers know full well,
Though puzzled about the action,
That of all the forces under the sun
You can hardly find a stronger one
Than capillary attraction.

XXIII.

The locks of canals are strong as rocks;
And wedlock is strong as a banker's box;
And there 's strength in the locks a Cockney cocks
At innocent birds, to give himself knocks;
In the locks of safes, and those safety-locks
They call the Permutation;

But of all the locks that ever were made
In Nature's shops, or the shops of trade,
The subtlest combination
Of beauty and strength is found in those
Which grace the heads of belles and beaux
In every civilized nation!

XXIV.

The gossips whispered it through the town,
That Captain Jones loved Susan Brown;
But, speaking with due precision,
The gossips' tattle was out of joint,
For the lady's “blunt” was the only point
That dazzled the lover's vision!

XXV.

And the Captain begged, in his smoothest tones,
Miss Susan Brown to be Mistress Jones,—
Flesh of his flesh and bone of his bones,
Till death the union should sever;
For these are the words employed, of course,
Though Death is cheated, sometimes, by Divorce,
A fact which gives an equivocal force
To that beautiful phrase, “forever!”

XXVI.

And Susan sighed the conventional “Nay”
In such a bewitching, affirmative way,
The Captain perceived 't was the feminine “Ay,”
And sealed it in such commotion,
That no “lip-service” that ever was paid
To the ear of a god, or the cheek of a maid,
Looked more like real devotion!

XXVII.

And Susan's Mamma made an elegant fête,
And exhibited all the family plate,
In honor of Susan's lover;
For now 't was settled, another trip
Over the sea in his merchant-ship,
And his bachelor-ship was over.

XXVIII.

There was an Alderman, well to do,
Who was fond of talking about vertu,
And had, besides, the genuine goût,
If one might credit his telling;
And the boast was true beyond a doubt
If he had only pronounced it “gout,”
According to English spelling!

XXIX.

A crockery-merchant of great parade,
Always boasting of having made
His large estate in the China trade;
Several affluent tanners;
A lawyer, whose most important “case”
Was that which kept his books in place;
His wife, a lady of matchless grace,
Who bought her form, and made her face,
And plainly borrowed her manners;

XXX.

A druggist; an undevout divine;
A banker, who 'd got as rich as mine
“In the cotton trade and sugar line,”
Along the Atlantic border;
A doctor, fumbling his golden seals;
And an undertaker close at his heels,
Quite in the natural order!

XXXI.

People of rank, and people of wealth,
Plethoric people in delicate health
(Who fast in public, and feast by stealth),
And people slender and hearty
Flocked in so fast, 't was plain to the eye
Of any observer standing by,
That party-spirit was running high,
And this was the popular party!

XXXII.

To tell what griefs and woes betide
The hapless world, from female pride,
Were a long and dismal story;
Alas for Susan and womankind!
A sudden ambition seized her mind,
In the height of her party-glory.

XXXIII.

To pique a group of laughing girls
Who stood admiring the Captain's curls,
She formed the resolution
To get a lock of her lover's hair,
In the gaze of the guests assembled there,

By some expedient, foul or fair,
Before the party's conclusion.

XXXIV.

“Only a lock, dear Captain! no more,
‘A lock for memory,’ I implore!”
But Jones, the gayest of quizzers,
Replied, as he gave his eye a cock,
“'T is a treacherous memory needs a lock,”
And dodged the envious scissors.

XXXV.

Alas that Susan could n't refrain,
In her zeal the precious lock to gain,
From laying her hand on the lion's mane!
To see the cruel mocking,
And hear the short, affected cough,
The general titter, and chuckle, and scoff,
When the Captain's Patent Wig came off,
Was really dreadfully shocking!

XXXVI.

Of Susan's swoon, the tale is told,
That long before her earthly mould
Regained its ghostly tenant,
Her luckless, wigless, loveless lover
Was on the sea, and “half-seas-over,”
Dreaming that some piratical rover
Had carried away his Pennant!