University of Virginia Library

EPIGRAMS.

THE EXPLANATION.

Charles, discoursing rather freely
Of the unimportant part
Which (he said) our clever women
Play in Science and in Art,
“Ah!—the sex you undervalue;”
Cried his lovely cousin Jane.
“No, indeed!” responded Charley,
“Pray allow me to explain;
Such a paragon is woman,
That, you see, it must be true
She is always vastly better
Than the best that she can do!”

FAMILY QUARRELS.

“A fool,” said Jeanette, “is a creature I hate!”
“But hating,” quoth John, “is immoral;
Besides, my dear girl, it's a terrible fate
To be found in a family quarrel!”

TEACHING BY EXAMPLE.

“What is the ‘Poet's License,’ say?”
Asked rose-lipped Anna of a poet.
“Now give me an example, pray,
That when I see one I may know it.”
Quick as a flash he plants a kiss
Where perfect kisses always fall.
“Nay, sir! what liberty is this?”
“The Poet's License,—that is all!”

A COMMON ALTERNATIVE.

“Say, what's to be done with this window, dear Jack?
The cold rushes through it at every crack.”
Quoth John: “I know little of carpenter-craft,
But I think, my dear wife, you will have to go through
The very same process that other folks do,—
That is, you must list or submit to the draught!”

A PLAIN CASE.

When Tutor Thompson goes to bed,
That very moment, it is said,
The cautious man puts out the light,
And draws the curtain snug and tight.
You marvel much why this should be,
But when his spouse you chance to see,
What seemed before a puzzling case
Is plain as—Mrs. Thompson's face!

OVER-CANDID.

Bouncing Bess, discoursing free,
Owned, with wondrous meekness,
Just one fault (what could it be?)
One peculiar weakness;
She in candor must confess
Nature failed to send her
Woman's usual tenderness
Toward the other gender.
Foolish Bessie!—thus to tell;
Had she not confessed it,
Not a man who knows her well
Ever would have guessed it!

NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND.

“Here, wife,” said Will, “I pray you devote
Just half a minute to mend this coat,
Which a nail has chanced to rend.”
“'T is ten o'clock!” said his drowsy mate.
“I know,” said Will, “it is rather late;
But 't is ‘never too late to mend’!”

AN EQUIVOCAL APOLOGY.

Quoth Madam Bas-bleu, “I hear you have said
Intellectual women are always your dread;
Now tell me, dear sir, is it true?”
“Why, yes,” answered Tom, “very likely I may
Have made the remark, in a jocular way;
But then, on my honor, I did n't mean you!”

TOO CANDID BY HALF.

As Tom and his wife were discoursing one day
Of their several faults, in a bantering way,
Said she: “Though my wit you disparage,
I'm sure, my dear husband, our friends will attest
This much, at the least, that my judgment is best.”
Quoth Tom, “So they said at our marriage!”

ON A RECENT CLASSIC CONTROVERSY.

Nay, marvel not to see these scholars fight,
In brave disdain of certain scath and scar;
'T is but the genuine old Hellenic spite,—
“When Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war!”
Quoth David to Daniel, “Why is it these scholars
Abuse one another whenever they speak?”
Quoth Daniel to David, “It nat'rally follers
Folks come to hard words if they meddle with Greek!”

LUCUS A NON.

You'll oft find in books, rather ancient than recent,
A gap in the page marked with “cetera desunt,”
By which you may commonly take it for granted
The passage is wanting without being wanted;
And may borrow, besides, a significant hint
That desunt means simply not decent to print!

A CANDID CANDIDATE.

An anecdote of the gubernatorial canvas in Vermont in the year 1859.

Let those laugh who—lose!

When John was contending (though sure to be beat)
In the annual race for the Governor's seat,
And a crusty old fellow remarked, to his face,
He was clearly too young for so lofty a place,—
“Perhaps so,” said John; “but consider a minute;
The objection will cease by the time I am in it!”

NEMO REPENTE TURPISSIMUS.

Bob Sawyer to a man of law
Repeating once the Roman saw,
“Nemo repente”—and the rest,
Was answered thus: “Well, I protest,
However classic your quotation,
I do not see the application.”
“'T is plain enough,” responded Sawyer:
“It takes three years to make a lawyer!”

ON AN ILL-READ LAWYER.

An idle attorney besought a brother
For something to read,—some novel or other,
That was really fresh and new.
“Take Chitty!” replied his legal friend,
“There is n't a book that I could lend
Would prove more novel to you!”

CONJURGIUM NON CONJUGIUM.

Dick leads, it is known, with his vixenish wife,
In spite of their vows, such a turbulent life,
The social relation of Dick and his mate
Should surely be written The Conjurgal State!

CHEAP ENOUGH.

They've a saying in Italy, pointed and terse,
That a pretty girl's smiles are the tears of the purse.
“What matter?” says Charley, “Can diamonds be cheap?
Let lovers be happy, though purses should weep!”

ON AN UGLY PERSON SITTING FOR A DAGUERREOTYPE.

Here Nature in her glass—the wanton elf—
Sits gravely making faces at herself;
And, while she scans each clumsy feature o'er,
Repeats the blunders that she made before!

ON A FAMOUS WATER-SUIT.

My wonder is really boundless,
That among the queer cases we try,
A land-case should often be groundless,
And a water-case always be dry!

KISSING CASUISTRY.

When Sarah Jane, the moral Miss,
Declares 't is very wrong to kiss,
I'll bet a shilling I see through it;
The damsel, fairly understood,
Feels just as any Christian should,—
She 'd rather suffer wrong than do it!

TO A POETICAL CORRESPONDENT.

Rose hints she is n't one of those
Who have the gift of writing prose;
But poetry is une autre chose,
And quite an easy thing to Rose!
As if an artist should decline,
For lack of skill, to paint a sign!
But, try him in the landscape line,
You'll find his genius quite divine!

ON A LONG-WINDED ORATOR.

Three Parts compose a proper speech
(So wise Quintilian's maxims teach),
But Loquax never can get through,
In his orations, more than two.
He does n't stick at the “Beginning;”
His “Middle” comes as sure as sinning;
Indeed, the whole one might commend,
Could he contrive to make an “End!”

THE THREE WIVES.

A JUBILATION.

My First was a lady whose dominant passion
Was thorough devotion to parties and fashion;
My Second, regardless of conjugal duty,
Was only the worse for her wonderful beauty;
My Third was a vixen in temper and life,
Without one essential to make a good wife.
Jubilate! at last in my freedom I revel,
For I'm clear of the World and the Flesh and the Devil!

THE LOST CHARACTER.

Julia is much concerned, God wot,
For the good name—she has n't got;
So mortgagors are often known
To guard the soil they deem their own,
As if, forsooth, they did n't know
The land was forfeit long ago.

A DILEMMA.

“Whenever I marry,” says masculine Ann,
“I must really insist upon wedding a man!”
But what if the man (for men are but human)
Should be equally nice about wedding a woman?