University of Virginia Library

LETTER IX.

To Mr. Thompson:—Dear Sir—I've always found
that it was the best way to make “good digestion wait
on appetite and helth on both,” as Mr. McBeth ses, to
stir about a little after eatin a harty bate. So after
eatin the excellent dinner at the Exchange, what I told
you about in my last letter, I tuck another turn round
through the city. By this time I begun to git the hang
of the place a little better, and wasn't so fraid of gettin
lost. I turned up South street as they call it, whar ther's
more tailors than would make a dozen common men—
even if the old maxim is true, which I never did
blieve—and went up Baltimore street agin, whar the
fine stores is kep, and whar the galls all go a shoppin
and perminadin in the afternoons to show ther new
dresses.

Well, sir, I can tell you what's a positiv fact, it would
take a French dancin master to git along in Baltimore
street without runnin agin sumbody, and even he couldn't
shassay his way round through the troops of galls without
runnin a fowl of one now and then, or rakin his shins
all to pieces on the pine boxes what is piled all along
the sidewalk, after you git above Charles street. I done
the very best dodgin I could, but every now and then I
run spang agin sumbody, and then while I was bowin
and scrapin a apology to 'em, ten to one if I didn't
knock sum baby over in the gutter what was cumin along
with its ma, behind me, or git my cote-tail fast in among
the crates and boxes so tite that I run a monstrous risk
of losin it bowdaciously. But I wasn't the only one

what got hung—two or three galls got ther dresses
hitched up, on the nails and hoops, so they blushed as
red as fire, and a old gentleman with a broad-brimmed
hat, and his stockins over his trowses, tumbled over a
wheel-barrow rite into a pile of boxes and tore his clothes
dredful. It tuck the old man sum time to gether himself
up, and git out of the jam he was in. When he
got out he never cussed a word, but he fetched a groan
that sounded like it cum from way down below his
waistbands, and went on.

I thought, at fust, that the store-keepers must be doin
a terrible sight of bisness, to be shure, to be sendin off
and receivin so much goods, but I knocked on sum of
the boxes with my cane, and they sounded as holler as
a old empty bee-gum. I spose the city gits a fust rate
rent for the pavement, but if the merchants was to keep
ther empty boxes in ther sellers, it would be a great deal
more convenient for the people to pass along, and I
should think it wouldn't hurt ther contents a bit. The
fact is a body can't git into the stores to buy nothing,
for the piles of boxes round the doors. I wanted a
piece of tobacker myself, but I couldn't see no store
what I could git into without runnin the risk of breakin
my neck or tearin my trowses.

You may suppose I seed a heap of butiful wimmin
in Baltimore street. Well, so I did; but, to tell you
the truth, I seed some bominable ugly ones too. The
fact is, Mr. Thompson, wimmin's wimmin, all over the
world; and the old sayin, that “fine feathers makes
fine birds,” is jest as true here as it is in Georgia. I'm
a married man, you know, and can speak my sentiments
about the galls 'thout givin offence to nobody; or, at
least, 'thout bein spected of selfish motives. Well then,
I say Baltimore needn't be ashamed of her wimmin, so
far as buty's concerned. “Handsum is as handsum
does,” is a old and true sayin: and if the Baltimore
galls is only as amiable and good as they is butiful,
they'll do fust rate, take 'em on a average. But, like

every other place, ther's some here that needs a monstrous
sight of goodness to make up for ther ugliness.

I know it used to be a common opinion, that the Baltimore
wimmin was the prettyest in the world; and I've
heard people what had been here before, advise the young
merchants what was gwine to New York to buy goods,
that if they didn't want to lose ther harts, they'd better
go round this city. But that was a good many years
ago, and you know time alters circumstances as well
as circumstances alters cases, and this is the way I account
for the change. Then the Baltimore gails was
most all natives, and come from the same stock, and they
was so universally handsum that nobody could help but
notice it. But the city is growed a monstrous sight since
them days—a great many people from all parts of the
world have come into it—and what was the buty of Baltimore,
has been mixed up with and distributed about
among sich a heap of ugliness, that a great deal of it is
spilt altogether; and what does remain pure and unadulterated,
aint more'n half so conspicuous now as it
used to be. But not withstandin, ther's some monstrous
handsum wimmin in Baltimore, some butiful creaters
with dark hazel eyes, bright auburn ringlets, Grecian
noses, coral lips, and plump, graceful forms, that is
enough to melt the ice from round the heart of a old
bachellor who had been cold as a lizzard for twenty
years: and its my positiv opinion, that a man what
couldn't find a gall handsum enuff in this city, would
stand a monstrous poor chance of gittin suited short of
gwine to Georgia, where the galls, you know, take ther
temperments from the warm Southern skies, ther buty
from the wild flowers that grow in our fields, and ther
voices from the birds that sing in our groves.

After gwine up as far as Youtaw street, I crossed over
and cum down on tother side of the street, lookin along
at one thing and another til I got most down to Charles
street. By this time I begun to be monstrous dry, and
as I'd heard tell a good deal about the sody water what

they have in the big cities, I thought I'd try a little at
the fust place whar they sold it. Well, the fust docter's
shop I cum to had a Sody water sign up, and in I went
to git sum.

Ses I, “I want a drink of yer sody water.”

“What kind of syrup will you have?” ses he, puttin
his hand on a bottle of molasses.

“I don't want no syrup,” ses I, “I want sody water.”

“Ah,” ses he, “you want extra sody.”

And with that he tuck a glass and put sum white stuff
in it, and then held it under the spout til it was full, and
handed it to me.

I put it to my hed and pulled away at it, but I never
got sich a everlastin dose before in all my life. I got
three or four swallers down before I begun to taste the
dratted stuff, and you may depend it liked to killed me
right ded in my tracks. It tuck the breth clean out of
me, and when I cum to myself, my tongue felt like it
was full of needles, and my stummick like I'd swallered
a pint of frozen soapsuds, and the tears was runnin out
of my eyes in a stream.

I drapped the glass and spurted the rest out of my
mouth quicker'n lightnin, but before I could git breth
to speak to the chap what was standin behind the counter
starein at me with all his might, he ax'd me if I wasn't
well.

“Well! thunder and lightnin,” ses I, “do you want
to pisen me to deth and then ax me if I'm well?”

“Pisen!” ses he.

“Yes,” ses I, “pisen! I ax'd you for sum sody water,
and you gin me a dose bad enough to kill a hoss.”

“I gin you nothin but plain sody,” ses he.

“Well,” ses I, “if that's what you call sody water,
I'll be dadfetch'd if I'll try any more of it. Why, it's
worse nor Ingin turnip juice stew'd down six gallons
into a pint, cooled off in a snow-bank and mixed with
a harrycane.”

Jest then some bilin hot steam come up into my throte,
that liked to blow'd my nose rite out by the roots.

Ses he, “Maybe you ain't used to drinkin it without
syrup.”

“No,” ses I, “and what's more, I never will be.”

“It's much better with sassypariller, or gooseberry
syrup,” ses he. “Will you try some with syrup?”

“No, I thank you,” ses I, and I paid him a thrip for
the dose I had, and put out.

I wanted some tobacker monstrous bad: so I stepped
into a store and ax'd for sum. The man said he didn't
sell nothin but staples, but he reckoned I'd find some a
little further down, at Smith's. Well, I went along
lookin at the signs till I cum to Shaw, Smith & Co.
Thinks I this must be the place. So in I went and ax'd
a very good lookin man with whiskers, what was standin
near the door, if he had any good chewin tobacker.

“No sir,” ses he, “we haint got any more of that
article on hand than we keep for our own use; but we
would like to sell you some carpets to-day.”

“Carpets?” ses I; and shore enuff, come to look,
ther wasn't another thing but carpets and oil cloths, and
mattins and rugs and sich things in the store; and I do
blieve ther was enuff of 'em of all sorts and figers to
furnish all the houses in Georgia.

After a lit le explanation he told me the Smith I wanted
was J. C. Smith, down opposite to the Museum. He
said I'd find lots of tobacker and segars thar, and I'd
know the place by a big Ingin standin out before the
door. Shore enuff, when I went thar I got some fust
rate segars and tobacker, and a box to put it in.

That's the way they do bisness here. They dont
keep dry goods and groceries, calicoes, homespun, rum,
salt, trace chains and tobacker all together like they do
in Pineville, but every kind of goods has a store to
itself. If you ever come to Baltimore and want some
tobacker or segars, you must go to the stores what's got
little painted Ingins or Niggers standin out by the doors;

for you mought jest as well go to a meetin house to
borrow a hand-saw, as go to any of the stores here for
any thing out of ther line. I spose, like the sody water,
it's well enuff to them that's used to it, but it's monstrous
aggravokin to them what aint.

As I hadn't been down in the lower part of the city,
I thought I'd git into one of the omminybuses and ride
over to Fells' Pint, and see how it looked. Well, it's
a good long stretch from one eend of Baltimore to the
other I can tell you, and after you cross over Jones' falls
what runs through to the river and divides the old Town
from the new one, you're monstrous apt to think your
gettin into another city, if not in another nation. I
lik'd to put my jaws out of jint tryin to read sum of the
signs. Sum of 'em was painted in Dutch, so I couldn't
make out the fust letter, and sum of the people looked
so Dutch that you mought almost feel it on 'em with a
stick.

I noticed when anybody wanted to git out they jest
pulled a leather strap and the omminybus cum to a halt.
So when we got down to Fell street, I tuck hold of the
strap and gin it a jerk, but the hosses went on fast as
ever, so I jest laid my wait on the strap to stop 'em.
“Hellow!” ses the driver outside, “do you want to pull
me in two?” Cum to find out the strap was hitch'd to
the man insted of the hosses, and I liked to draw'd
him through the hole whar he tuck his money. He was
mad as a hornit, but when he looked in and seed who it
was, he had nothin more to say.

I expect some parts of Fells' Pint would suit Mr.
Dickens fust rate. It's old as the hills, and crooked as
a ram's horn, and a body can hear jest as much bad
English thar as he could among the cockneys of London,
and can find sum fancy caracters, male and female, that
would do honor to St. Gileses or any other romantic
quarter of the British metropolis.

After lookin about a little while at the sailors that
was drinkin toasts and singin songs in the taverns, I

went down on one of the wharves whar ther was a ship
jest cum from Liverpool. The sailors was singin “All
together, oh, heve oh!” and pullin her in to the wharf.
Poor fellers, they had been out thirty days, workin hard,
in all kinds of weather, and now they was cumin ashore
to giv ther money to the sharpers that was lookin out for
'em like sharks for a ded body. I couldn't help but
feel sorry for 'em, when I thought how in a few days
thay would be without money and without frends, and
would gladly go back to the perils of the ocean, to escape
the treachery that beset 'em on shore.

I went and tuck a seat on some logs what was layin
on the wharf, and smoked a cigar and looked at the
vessels sailin about in the harbour. While I was settin
thar thinkin of ships and sailors, and one thing and another,
a little feller come along with a baskit on his arm,
and ax'd me if I wanted to buy some matches. I told
him no I didn't want none.

“You better buy some, sir,” ses he, “I sell 'em very
cheap.”

The little feller looked so poor and pittiful that I
couldn't help feelin a little sorry for him.

“How much do you ax for 'em?” ses I.

“Eight boxes for a levy,” ses he.

They was jest the same kind of boxes that we git
two for a thrip in Georgia, and though I didn't want
none, I thought I'd buy some of him jest to patronize
him.

“Well,” ses I, “give me two boxes.”

The little feller handed me two boxes and I gin him
a sevenpence.

“You may keep the change for profit,” ses I.

“Thank you, sir,” ses he, and his eyes brightened up
as he put the money in his pocket.

“I like to encourage honest enterprize,” ses I. “Be
honest, and never lie or cheat, and you'll always find
friends,” ses I.

“Yes sir,” ses he, “I never steals nor cheats no
body.”

“That's right,” ses I. That's a good boy.”

I went on smokin, and in a few minits, when I thought
he was gone, I heard the little feller behind me agin.

“What,” ses I.

“My sister died last week,” ses he, “and we're very
poor, and my mammy's sick, and I can't make money
enough to buy medicine for the baby—”

“Well,” ses I, “I don't want no more matches, but
here's a quarter to add to your profits to-day.”

“Thank you, sir,” ses he, and he went off agin
thankin me, for the quarter.

Poor little feller, thinks I, how much better to give
him that quarter of a dollar than to smoke it out in
segars. He'll go home to his poor mother, happy, and
if he has felt any temptation to be a rogue, the recollection
of my kindness will give him courage to be
honest. I hadn't got done thinkin about him before
here he was, back agin.

“Daddy died last week,” ses he, “and sister Betsy
got her foot skalded, and we haint had no bred to eat
not for a week—ever sense daddy died—and—

“Look here,” says I, “you better go before you kill
off all your relations: I begin to think you're a little
imposter.”

“Oh, no sir, daddy is ded,” ses he, “and mammy
and sister lives all alone, and mammy told me to ax
you if you would come and see her and give her some
money.”

I begun to smell a rat, and ses I, “I'll see your
mammy to the mischief fust, and if I'd had the same
opinion of you that I have now, I'd never gin you the
fust red cent.”

With that the little ragged cus sot up a big laugh, and
put his thum on his nose and wiggled his fingers at me.

“Do you see any thing green,” ses he, “eh, hos?
What do you think of me now, eh? Would you like

to buy another levy's worth of matches? You see,”
ses he, “I'm one of the b'hoys!—a out and out Fell's
Pinter, by J—;” and then he ripped out a oath that
made the hair stand on my hed, and away he went.

I felt like I was completely tuck in, and I never sed
another word. But I made up my mind when I gin
another quarter away to encourage honesty, it would be
to a different sort of candidate; and, throwing the
stump of my segar into the water, I left the place and
tuck the fust omminybus for the Exchange. I'm done
with Baltimore, and shall start to-morrow for the city
of Brotherly Love. So no more at present from