University of Virginia Library

LETTER VIII.

To Mr. Thompson:—Dear Sir—I waked up this
mornin bright and early, but I felt so monstrous tired
that I didn't git rite out of bed. Well, while I was
layin thar, lookin round the room at the fine furniture—
at the splendid mahogany burow and wardrobe, the
marble-top'd washstand and the cast-iron fire-place, and
a heap of other curious fixins—I seed a green cord with
a tossel on the eend of it, hangin down by the hed of
my bed. Thinks I, that must be to pull the winder
blinds, to let the light in, and as it was rayther dark, I
tuck hold of it and pulled it easy two or three times;
but the thing seemed to be hitched sumwhar, and the
blinds didn't move a bit. I wasn't more'n done pullin
it, before sumbody nocked at my dore, and as I didn't
know who it mought be, I covered up good, and ses
I, “Cum in.”

A nigger feller opened the dore and stood thar for
'bout a minit, lookin at me like he wanted sumthing,
'thout sayin a word.

“Well, buck,” ses I, “what's the matter,” beginnin
to think he had a monstrous sight of imperence.

“I cum to see what the gemmen wants,” ses he.

“Well,” ses I, “I don't want nothin.”

He looked sort o' sideways at me and put out.

After studyin a bit to try to make out what upon
yeath could brung him to my room, I put my hand out
and tried the curtains agin; and the fust thing I know'd
here cum the same chap back agin.

This time I looked at him pretty sharp, and ses I—
“What upon yeath do you mean?”

With that he begun bowin and scrapin and scratchin
his hed, and ses he—“Didn't you ring, sir?”

“Ring what?” ses I.

“Your bell,” ses he.

I was beginnin to git pretty considerable riled, and
ses I—“I don't carry no bell, but I can jest tell you
what it is, my buck: if you go to cumin any of yer
free nigger nonsense over me, I'll ring yer cussed neck
off quicker'n lightnin.”

And with that I started to git out of the bed, but ther
was no nigger thar when my feet tetched the floor.

It was too dark to dress, so I tuck another pull or two
at the blinds; and while I was pullin and jerkin at 'em,
here cums another big nigger, to know what I wanted.
By this time I begun to spicion thar was sumthing rong;
and shore enuff, cum to find out, I'd been pullin a bell-rope
all the time, what kep up a terrible ringin down
stairs, though I couldn't hear the least sign of it myself.
I'd seed them things hangin round in the rooms at the
Charleston Hotel, and at Gadsby's, but I never know'd
what they was before. Well, thinks I, live and larn—
I'll know a bell-rope when I see it agin.

After findin my way down stairs I went in the barber's
room and got shaved, and I do blieve if it hadn't been
so early in the mornin, I should went spang to sleep
while Billy was takin my beard off. That feller's a real
magnetiser; and he goes through the bisness so easy,
that you can't hardly tell whether he's usin the brush or
the razor; and by the time he's done, your face is so
smooth that it takes a pretty good memory to remember
whether you ever had any beard or not. After brushin
and combin a little, I went out into the readin-room and
looked over the papers til breckfust.

I was settin on the sofa readin in the National Intelligencer,
when the fust thing I know'd I thought the
whole roof of the bildin was cumin down on top of my
hed—whow! row! whow-wow! went sumthing like
the very heavens and yeath was cumin together. I

couldn't hear myself think, and I was makin for one
of the winders as fast as I could, when the everlastin
rumpus stopped. I ax'd sumbody what in the name
of thunder it was. “O, you needn't be larmed,” ses
he, “it's nothin but the breckfust gong.” I was jest
about as wise then as I was before, but I know'd it had
sumthing to do with breckfust, and my appetite soon
cum back to me agin.

You know I always used to drink coffee, and I'm
monstrous fond of it yet; but bein as I didn't feel very
well this mornin, when the waiter ax'd me which I'd
have, I sed “tea.”

“Black or green?” ses he.

I looked at the feller, and ses I—“What?”

“Will you have black or green tea?” ses he.

I didn't know whether he was projectin with me or
not, so ses I, “I want a cup of tea, jest plain tea, without
no fancy colerin about it.”

That settled the bisness, and in a minit he brung me
a grate big cup of tea that looked almost as strong as
coffee; but it was monstrous good, and I made out a
fust rate breckfust.

After breckfust I tuck a walk out to see the city, and
shore enuff it is a city! Gracious knows, I thought
Charleston, and Richmond, and Washington was big
enuff, but Baltimore lays 'em all in the shade. It ain't
only a long ways ahed of 'em all in pint of size, but
it's a monstrous sight the handsumest. The streets is
wide enuff, and then ther ain't no two of them alike,
and evry corner you turn gives you a new view, as
different from the other as if you was in another city.
Monuments and steeples, and minarets and towers, and
domes and columns, and piazzas and porticos, and pillars
of all orders, sizes, and heights, is constantly
changin before you; and the ground rises and falls in
butiful hills and hollers, as if it tried to do its share
towards givin variety and buty to the view. Baltimore

street is the principal street, and you may depend it's
got a heap of fine stores on it.

After takin a good stretch on Baltimore street, lookin
at the picter-shops and show-winders, I struck out into
Calvert street, whar the monument stands what was
raised to the brave fellers what licked the British at the
Battle of North Pint, in the last war. It's a good deal
bigger than the Naval Monument at Washington, and,
to my notion, it's a grate deal handsomer. Its proportions
is good, and the design is very butiful.

After takin a good look at the monument, I walked
along down by sum fine large brick houses with marble
porticos to 'em, and winder-glasses so clean you mought
see yer face in 'em, lookin back now and then at the
woman on top of the monument, when the fust thing I
know'd I got a most alfired skeer, that made me jump
clear off the side-walk into the street, before I know'd
what I was about; “Get out!” ses I, at a cussed grate
big fierce-lookin dog upon one of the porticos, that
looked like he was gwine to take rite hold of me.
“Seize him, Tiger!” ses a chap what was gwine by,
laughin, and I raised my stick quicker'n lightnin, but
the dog never moved a peg. Cum to find out, it was
nothin but a statue of a dog made out of stone or iron,
put up thar to watch the dore and keep off house-brakers,
I spose. I got over my skare and went along,
but I couldn't help thinkin it was monstrous bad taste
to have sich a fierce-lookin thing standin rite before a
body's dore thataway. If he was lyin down asleep he'd
look jest as natural, and wouldn't be apt to frighten any
body out of ther senses fore they know'd what it was.

Bimeby I cum to a open place with a butiful little
temple standin back in the yard, under the trees, and
over the gate was a sign what sed “City Springs.”
Well, as I felt pretty dry by this time, I thought I'd go
in and git sum water. When I got to the house what
was standin over the spring on butiful round pillars, and
was gwine down the white stone steps, I seed a whole

heap of galls down thar playin and dabblin in the water,
and sprinklin and splashin one another, and laughin and
carryin on like the mischief. I'd heard a grate deal
about Baltimore buty, and I thought I'd jest take a peep
at 'em while they didn't see me, and when they wasn't
suspectin anybody was lookin at 'em. Well, thar they
was, five or six of 'em, all 'bout sixteen and seventeen,
with ther butiful faces flushed up, and ther dark eyes
sparklin with excitement, while ther glossy ringlets, in
which the crystal water glittered like dimonds, fell in
confusion over ther white necks and shoulders. They
was butiful young creters; and as I leaned over the
wall, lookin down on 'em as they was wrestlin and
jumpin and skippin about as graceful as young fawns, I
almost thought they was real water-nymphs, and I was
'fraid to breathe hard for fear they mought hear me and
dart into the fountains. Bimeby one of 'em that was
scufflin for life to keep two more of 'em from given her
a duckin, happened to look up. The next minit thar
was a general squeelin and grabbin up of sun-bonnets,
and away they went up tother flight of steps. I didn't
want 'em to think I'd been watchin 'em, so I went rite
down to the spring, like I had jest cum for a drink of
water. Ther was three fountains all in a row, and on
each side of the fountains was two iron ladles hangin
chained to the wall. I tuck up the one on the right,
and was holdin it under the spout on that side, when I
heard the galls gigglin and laughin up on the steps,
whar they was rangin ther dresses. I couldn't help but
look round, when I saw one of the prettyest pair of
sparklin eyes lookin over the wall at me, that I have
seed sense I left home. “The middle fountain's the
best, sir,” ses one of the sweetest voices in the world. I
didn't wait to think, but jest cause she sed so, I jerked
the ladel what was already runnin over, towards the
middle spout, when kerslosh went the water all over my
feet, and the ladel went rattle-teklink agin the wall whar
it was chained. Sich another squall as they did give I
never heard before, and away they all scampered,
laughin fit to die at me. The fact was the chain wasn't
long enuff to reach to the middle fountain no how, even
if the water was any better, which I ought to know'd
was all gammon. I felt a little sort o' flat, but thinks I,
galls, if you only know'd the buties I seed when I was
lookin down over your heds, when you was rompin,
you'd think we was pretty near even, after all.

From the City Springs I went to the Washington
monument, what stands at the hed of Charles street.
This is another butiful structure which, while it commemorates
the fame of the greatest man what ever lived
on the face of the yeath, reflects honor on the patriotism
and liberality of Baltimoreans. At the dore ther
was a old gentleman, who ax'd me if I wanted to go
up on the monument. I told him I'd like to very well,
if ther was no danger. He sed ther wasn't the least in
the world; so, after payin him a seven-pence and writin
my name in a big book, he gin me a lamp and I started
up the steps, what jest kep runnin round and round like
a screw-auger. Up, up I went, and kep a gwine til I
thought my legs would drap off me. Evry now and
then I stopped and tuck a blow, and then pushed on
agin, til bimeby I got to the top, whar ther is a dore to
go out on the outside.

From that place I could see all over the city, and for
miles round the country; and, to tell you the truth, I
couldn't hardly blieve my own eyes, when I saw so
many houses. The ground seemed to be covered with
bricks for miles; and every here and thar some tall
steeple or lofty dome shot up from the dark mass of
houses below. Streets was runnin in every direction,
and carriages and hoses and peeple was all movin about
in 'em, like so many ants on a ant-hill. Away off to
the south-east I could see the dome of the Exchange
Hotel, and a little further was the blue arms of the Patapsco,
covered with white sails, gwine in and out of
the harbor; while the naked masts of the vessels at the

wharves and in the basin, looked like a corn-field jest
after fodder-pullin time. I could see “the star-spangled
banner” on the walls of old Fort Mackhenry, still wavin
“over the land of the free and the home of the brave,”
as proudly as it did on that glorious night, when
and I couldn't keep from singin, “O long may it
wave!” &c.

By the time I got down from the Monument it was
two o'clock, and I begun to have a pretty good appetite
agin. I made out to git back to the Exchange, by enquirin
the way 'bout twenty times; and pretty soon after
I got thar that everlastin gong rung agin, and we all
went in to dinner. I never seed sich a handsum table
in all my life before. It was long enuff for a fourth of
July barbacue, and all dressed out like a weddin-supper.
Evry thing looked in order, like a army formed in line
of battle. The plattoons of ivory-handled knives, and
silver forks, and cut-glass goblets, and wine-glasses, was
all ranged in two long columns on each side, with a
napkin standin at each place like a file-closer, crimped
up as handsum and lookin as white and fresh as a waterlilly.
In the middle was the baggage-train, which was
made up of a long row of bright covers, with elegant
silver casters and tureens, large glass vases full of sallary,
and lots of other dishes. I felt jest like I was
gwine into battle; and whether Mr. Dorsey, like Lord
Nelson, expected every man to do his duty or not, I
was termined to do mine. Well, the table was soon
surrounded, and then the attack commenced. It was a
terrible carnage. The knives and forks rattled like
small arms, the corks popped like artillery, and the
shampane flew like blood at evry discharge. General
Jennings manoovered his troops fust rate—carryin off
the killed and wounded as fast as possible, and supplyin
ther places with reinforcements of fresh dishes. He

had a regular Wellington army, made up of English,
French, American, German, Italian, and all kinds of
dishes; but, like Napoleon at Waterloo, he was doomed
to come out second best, and in a short time his splendid
army was cut to pieces, routed, dispersed, and demolished,
horse, foot, and dragoons, or rather roast, boiled,
and stewed.

You know I've fit the Ingins in Florida, and can
stand my hand as well as the next man in a bush-fight,
but I never was in jest sich a engagement before, and I
made rather a bad job of it in the beginnin. I hadn't
more'n swallered my soup when here cums a nigger
pokein a piece of paper at me, which he sed was a bill.
Thinks I, they're in a monstrous hurry 'bout the money,
so I told him I hadn't time to look it over then. The
feller looked and grinned like he didn't mean no offence,
and ax'd me what I'd be helped to. Well, I know'd
they didn't have no bacon and collards, so I told him
to bring me a piece of roast beef. By the time I got
fairly gwine on my beef, Mr. Dorsey cum in and tuck a
seat at the eend of the table not far from me, and ax'd
me how I was pleased with Baltimore. I told him very
well, and was passin a word or two with him, when the
fust thing I know'd my plate was gone, and when I
turned round to look for it, the nigger poked the bill at
me agin. I begun to think that was carryin the joke a
leetle too fur, and ses I—

“Look here, buck; I told you once I hadn't no time
to tend to that now, and I'd like to know what in the
devil's name you tuck my plate away for?”

“What'll you be helped to?” ses he, like he didn't
understand me.

“I ax'd for sum beef,” ses I, “but—” and before
I could git it out he was off, and in a minit he brung
me another plate of roast beef.

Well, by the time I got it salted to my likin, and
while I was taken a drink of water, away it went agin.
I jest made up my mind I wouldn't stand no such nonsence

any longer, so I waited til he brung me a clean
plate agin, and ax'd me what I wanted.

“Sum more beef,” ses I.

I kep my eyes about me this time, and shore enuff,
the moment I turned to nod to sum gentlemen what
Mr. Dorsey introduced me to, one of the niggers made
a grab at my plate. But I was too quick for him that
time.

“Stop!” ses I.

“Beg pardon, sir,” ses he; “I thought you wanted
another plate.”

“I've had enuff plates for three or four men already,”
ses I; “and now I want sum dinner.”

“Very well, sir,” ses he; “what'll you have?”

“What's your name?” ses I.

“Hansum, sir,” ses he.

Thinks I, you wasn't named for yer good looks then,
that's certain; but I never let on.

“Well, Hansum,” ses I, “I want you to jest keep a
eye on my plate, and not let anybody grab it off til I'm
done with it, and then I'll tell you what I want next.”

Jest then Mr. Dorsey called him to him and sed sumthing
in his ear, and here he cum with Mr. Dorsey's
compliments and a bottle of shampane, and filled one
of my glasses, and then tuck his stand so he could watch
my plate, grinnin all the time like he'd found a mare's
nest or sumthing.

The plan worked fust rate, and after that I got a fair
showin at the beef. Then I ax'd Hansum what else
ther was, and he brung me the bill agin, and told me
I'd find it on thar. Shore enuff, it was a bill of things
to eat, insted of a bill of expenses. Well, I looked it
over, but I couldn't tell the rari de poulets à la Indienne,
or the Pigeons en compote, or the Anguelles à la Tartare
from any thing else, til I tasted 'em, and then I didn't
hardly know the chickens from the eels, they was cooked
so curious. Ther was plenty that I did know though,
to make out a fust rate dinner, and long before they

brung in the custards, and jellies, and pies, my appetite
was gone. I was jest gwine to leave the table, when
Mr. Dorsey ax'd me if I liked Charlotte Roose. I told
him I hadn't the pleasure of her acquaintance. “Well,
Majer,” ses he, “you better try a little;” and with that
he sent me a plate with sumthing on it made out of
pound-cake and ice cream 'thout bein froze, which was
a little the best thing I ever eat in my life.

Two or three more sich dinners as this would lay me
up, so I couldn't git away from the Exchange in a
month. No more from