University of Virginia Library

9. CHAPTER IX.
OF MATRIMONY, AND THE BEST MODE OF INSURING
HAPPINESS IN THE STATE, BY A DISCREET CHOICE OF
A HELPMATE.

In the present improved system of society, when the
young ladies wear spatterdashes, and the young gentlemen
corsetts, money is absolutely essential to the patient
endurance of the married state. The choice of a
rich husband, or wife, supersedes, therefore, the necessity
of all rules, as wealth secures to the successful adventurer
all the happiness this world can give, so long
as it lasts. But as every one is not so fortunate as to
achieve a rich heir or heiress, the following hints may
enable them to make a choice that will in some measure
supply the absence of the aforesaid indispensable requisite.

1. Beauty is a principal ingredient of happiness in
the married state, and it is scarcely ever observed that a
handsome couple is otherwise than truly happy. If it
is objected that beauty is but a fading flower, we answer,
that when it is faded, all that the parties have to
do, is to think each other beautiful. If such an effort

of the imagination is beyond them, they must do the best
they can, and admire each other for their good qualities.

2. Next in value to beauty, is the capacity of making
a figure at all public places, by dressing well, dancing
well, and making oneself agreeable to every body.
Nobody, except such as have experienced it, can conceive
the happiness of having one's wife, or husband,
admired by all the world. As to how they conduct
themselves in private, and in the domestic tete a tete, that
is a matter of very little consequence, so long as they
have sufficient discretion to keep their own secrets, and
sufficient good breeding not to quarrel before the public.

3. As nothing is so outrageously vulgar, as the idea
of not spending money, because people have not got it
to spend, the next best gift to a rich or handsome wife,
is a wife that knows how to spend a fortune. This is
an infallible proof of high breeding, and great cleverness
withal. Any fool can make a figure with money, but
to make an equal figure without it, is an invaluable
qualification in a wife.

4. Never marry any body you have ever heard or
seen laughed at by people of fashion, unless he or she
is rich, or who does not always follow the recent fashions
in every thing. A bonnet or a coat out of fashion, infallibly
degrades people from their station in society, whether
they are young or old, and a person that leads the
ton, is almost an equal prize with an heiress or a beauty.

5. Never marry a lady who appears unconscious of
her beauty or accomplishments, except she is an heiress;
for this presupposes a degree of blindness and stupidity
truly deplorable. How can you expect a woman to see
the good qualities of her husband, who is blind to her own?

6. Never marry a woman of prudence, good sense,
good temper, and piety, excepting always she is rich;
for if you happen to turn out an indifferent husband, all
the world will blame you; whereas if she is as bad, or
worse than yourself, you will have the best possible
excuse.

7. Never marry a woman who is particularly retiring
in her disposition and habits. This bespeaks shyness,
and shyness indicates slyness, and slyness, hypocrisy.
Your bold faced, harem-scarem women, who show all,
and disguise nothing, are the best. There is no deception
about them, and it is a proof that they have nothing
to hide, when they hide nothing. Ladies that eat nothing
in public, generally make it up in the pantry, and to
quote a saying fashionable at Almack's, “The still
sow, &c. &c.”

8. Beware of that monstrum horrendum, a woman
that affects to have a will of her own, before marriage,
and to act up to certain old fashioned notions of propriety
and decorum. One who refuses to make herself
ridiculous, though it is the fashion; who will not waltz
in public with a perfect stranger, though it is the fashion;
who will not flirt with any body that comes in her way,
though it is the fashion; and who absolutely refuses to
act and look like a fool, though every body else sets her
the example. Such a woman will trouble you exceedingly,
and ten to one, never let you rest till you become
as ridiculous as herself.

9. Beware also of a woman who had rather stay at
home and read Paradise Lost, than walk up and down the
Paradise of Broadway, in a high wind and a cloud of

dust, holding her hat with one hand, and her cloak with
the other. Such a woman decidedly prefers exercise of
mind to exercise of limbs, and will never make a good
waltzer.

10. Beware of blue stockings, for they are abroad.

11. Beware of bishops and hoop petticoats, for they
are abroad.

12. Beware—we address ourselves particularly to
the ladies—beware of all manner of men, that aspire to
be useful in their generation, except they be rich; beware
of all men who look as if nature had any hand in
their composition, except they be rich; beware of all
that aspire to be better and wiser than their neighbours,
except they be rich; beware of young lawyers, who
think of nothing but estates and ladies—intail; beware
of young physicians, whose knowledge of anatomy and
craniology enables them to dive into all your secrets;
beware of the young parsons in spectacles, who look
through and through your hearts; beware of all manner
of men who look at bills before paying them; beware of
all sorts of handicraft men, except Monsieur Manuel,
the barber, and Monsieur Simon, the cook; and, above
all, beware of your stiff, starched fellows, that aspire to
the cardinal virtues, for that smacks of Popery.

We had thoughts of following up these rules for entering
the happy state of matrimony, with some general
directions for preserving harmony after marriage. But
upon the whole it is scarcely worth while. The great
thing after all, is to be fairly and honestly married, and
what happens afterwards is of minor consequence. If

you have money you cannot be otherwise than happy.
If you have beauty, fashion and good dancing, it is your
own fault if you are not happy; and if you have none of
these, you have no right to expect happiness. If you
are only contented and comfortable, that is all you can
hope for in this world, without riches, beauty, or fashion,
and that is more than you deserve for marrying only a
discreet, prudent, sensible, amiable, tolerable looking
dowdy of a man or woman. We shall therefore conclude
this portion of our undertaking, by cordially wishing
all our fashionable readers, well, that is, richly married;
a wish which includes all sublunary blessings.