University of Virginia Library

5. CHAPTER V.
ON THE BEHAVIOUR PROPER FOR MARRIED LADIES AT
THE SPRINGS.

1. A well bred wife should never take her husband
to the springs unless she is afraid to leave him behind.
If he is a stupid, plodding blockhead, he had better stay
at home to make money while his wife is spending it.
But if on the contrary, he is a little gay, gallant and
frisky, she had better bring him with her, that she may
have him under her eye, and justify her own little flirtations
by his example.

2. In case they come together to the springs, they
should never be seen together while there, as it is considered
indecent.

3. Married women should always single out old

bachelors, whose whole business is to attend upon pretty
women as moth fly about candles, not to light a flame,
but to be consumed in one. Or in default of these,
they should select young dandies, who lack a little
fashionable impudence, if such can be found; or in the
last resort, the husbands of other ladies, who devote all
their attention, as in duty bound, to the wives of other
men. A married woman detected walking arm in arm
with her own lawfully begotten husband, might better
commit a faux pas at once—her reputation is irretrievably
gone.

4. Never take children with you to the springs.
Leave them to the care of old nurse, at home, under the
superintendence of Providence. They are perfect
bores; and besides, even the most gallant Lothario,
will hardly have a face to make love to a woman surrounded
by her children.

5. Married ladies should never sit next their husbands
at meals, as it might give rise to a suspicion that
they could not get any body else to sit by them. Besides,
the presence of a husband is sometimes a disagreeable
restraint on the bachelor beaux, and spoils
many a gallant speech.

6. Married ladies with grown up daughters, had better
pass for their step mothers, if possible; but if this is
not possible, they should take every opportunity to observe,
that they were very young when they married.

7. Married ladies should forget they are married as
much as possible. The idea of a husband coming
across the mind is apt to occasion low spirits, and put
an awkward restraint on the behaviour. It is said of

the planters of Louisiana, that if you only mention the
word cocoa in their hearing, they immediately grow
melancholy, and lose their spirits. In like manner we
have often seen the most vivacious gambols of a wife,
checked and spoiled by merely pronouncing the name
of her husband in a whisper.

8. Neither husband or wife ought to say an ill natured
thing to each other in public, without prefacing it
with my dear Mr. and my dear Mrs. In private it is
no matter.

9. They should be particularly careful not to throw
any thing at each other's heads at meal times; it is almost
as bad as to be seen kissing in public. This
accident however cannot occur, if due regard be paid
to the first and second rules.

10. The first object of a married lady at the springs,
is or ought to be, to be talked about. Whether it be
for any thing commendable or praiseworthy, is a matter
of not the least consequence. This sine qua non, may
be attained in various ways. By eccentricity in behaviour
or dress; by making a fool of herself, in attempting
to pass for a young woman; or by drinking
such enormous quantities of the water, that people perplex
themselves to death in knowing what becomes of
it all. The best and most infallible mode, however, of
attaining to the greatest of all possible pleasures, that of
notoriety, is to encourage the attentions of some gay
coxcomb, till all the world begins to talk about nothing
else. This is the true eclat, without which it is not
worth while to take the trouble of breathing in this
world.

11. Mothers should never take grown up daughters
to the springs; it makes them look so old.

12. There is however one exception to the foregoing
rule: namely, when they wish to settle a young lady in
life. In that case, they ought to be careful of seven
things, to wit,

To make them leave their hearts at home, lest they
should give them away to young squires, who cant pay
value received.

To make them leave their feminine timidity, miscalled
modesty, at home; otherwise, they may not have
the face to make what is called at Almack's, “a dead
set” at the proper object.

To be sure to tell every body in the most solemn
manner, not more than twenty times a day, how fond
Miss Angelina, or Miss Adeline is of retirement, and
how backward in showing off her accomplishments in
public.

To ascertain the weight of a young gentleman's
purse, or at least that of his papa, before the young
lady's heart is in danger. This is sometimes rather a
difficult matter, as it is not uncommon now a days, for
gentlemen to make a vast figure with other people's
money. A copy of the will of the old gentleman is the
best security for a matrimonial speculation. But even
this is not infallible, for we ourselves once had a large
landed estate left us, by an old bachelor who had feasted
in our house for twenty years, which turned out to belong
to another person.

Never to lose an opportunity while condescending to
accept the arm of the selected Adonis, in a promenade

around the drawing or dancing room, to repeat all the
flattering things the young lady has not said in his praise.
Where one man, aye, or one woman, is taken by the
heart, a thousand are taken by this bait. We speak
from long experience, having never yet been able to
resist any woman who admired us, even though she
might not have been handsome enough to make a song
about.

If the mother of a young lady at the springs, has a
hard character to deal with in her daughter, that is, one
who cherishes certain pernicious and disobedient notions
about loving, respecting, or most of all, obeying a
husband, and prefers love to money, we know of no
more infallible way of curing this romantic folly, than to
point out to her notice, as many couple as fall under
observation, as possible, who have made love matches.
Ten to one but the contemplation of these will satisfy
the young lady, that money wears better than love.

Lastly, to consider merit, talents, amiability, and an
attractive person and manner, as dust in the balance,
worse than a woollen stocking on a handsome leg,
when put in comparison with money. Money not only
makes the mare go, but sets the horses to the coach,
and what is the climax of human bliss, secures the first
choice from a consignment of cast off bonnets of a
female opera dancer, to the happy lady who dont mind
how much she pays for it.