University of Virginia Library

THEATRICAL, DESCRIPTIVE, PHILOSOPHICAL, &C.

Mr. Hart, the preacher of natural religion, the play
actor, the tin pedlar, the attorney and counsellor at law,
a lover of music, and an admirer of the fair sex, respectfully
informs the ladies and gentlemen of New
York, that on or about the first day of June next, at
evening candle light, he will go through an act of his own
composition, at some place of fashionable resort, to
consist of the following parts, viz.:

First. Music and dancing, and whirling round part
of the time on one leg, and part of the time on two
legs, like a top, fifty times, without showing the least
giddiness.

Second. An address to Hope, in blank verse.

Third. The difference pointed out between happiness
above and happiness below.

Fourth. Music.

Fifth. Orlando, an imaginary character, to his sweetheart.

Sixth. Music, dancing, and whirling round fifty
times.

Seventh. An address to the departed spirit of
George Washington.

Eighth. Music.

Ninth. The lover solus.

Tenth. Music, dancing, and whirling round fifty
times.

Eleventh. Orlando in despair marries one he does
not love, runs mad, and whirls round fifty times to music.

Twelfth. Description of his contriving to get a divorce
by means unprecedented in modern times.

Thirteenth. Music, dancing, and whirling round
fifty times.

To conclude with Mr. Hart's acting the natural fool,
talking to the departed spirits of General Washington
and Thomas Paine, and with his making crooked
mouths and wry faces at the audience.

We are much mistaken in the taste of the town, if
this exhibition of Mr. Hart will not prove one of the
most attractive ever presented to the patronage of the
fashionable world, and go near to ruin all the theatres.
The bill presents a variety of attraction perfectly irresistible
to all refined palates. First there is music,
then dancing, then whirling round fifty times, for the
lovers of the Italian opera and gymnastics; then an
address to Hope, for the lovers of poetry; then a philosophical
disquisition, for the lovers of philosophy;
then music, to put us in a proper frame to listen to Orlando's
love letter; then dancing and whirling, for the
amateurs of the grand ballet; then an address to a
shade, for the devourers of witch and ghost stories;
then a lover talking to himself, for innamoratoes; then

running mad, for the amusement of despairing young
gentlemen; then the contrivance for getting a divorce,
which we prophecy will be received with great applause.
But the cream of all will be the playing of the
fool, and making wry faces at the audience, which cannot
do otherwise than please our theatrical amateurs,
unless they should happen to have been surfeited with
it already. In short, we think Mr. Hart's bill of
fare fairly distances all play bills, not excepting Peter
Wilkins, and that Mr. Hart himself must possess a
greater versatility of talent, than the gentlemen and ladies
who play six characters at a time, or even than the
prince of buffoons and imitators, Mr. Mathews himself.
We have no doubt the whole town will flock to see him,
and that we shall observe, soon after his arrival, a great
improvement in the taste of the people, as well as in
our theatrical exhibitions, which may borrow a few hints
from him with great advantage.

There are various branches of domestic industry,
cultivated by the young ladies of New York, the principal
of which is the spinning of street yarn, which
they generally practise about four hours a day. Whence
they are technically termed spinsters. But the great
branch of domestic industry among the men, is the
trade in politics, in which vast numbers are engaged,
some at stated seasons, others all the year round. Of the
arts and mysteries of this business we profess to know
nothing; but we believe, from the best information,
that the whole secret consists in a certain dexterous turning
of the coat, which ought always to have two sides,
one the exact contrast to the other, in colour and consistency.

By the aid of this sort of harlequin jacket,
a dexterous trader in politics can, if he possesses the
ordinary instinct of a rat, always keep a strong house
over his head, a tight vessel under him, and be always
in the right, that is to say, always on the strongest side,
which, according to fundamental principles, is being always
right. Some intolerant persons take upon themselves
to denounce such manœuvring of the outward garment
as unprincipled and disgraceful; but for our parts
we hold that necessitas non habet lex—and it is within the
sphere of our knowledge, that no inconsiderable portion
of this abused class of people, if they did not turn
their coats pretty often, would very soon have no coats
to turn.

Of the other occupations or mysteries, such as spending
a great deal of money, without having any; and
running in debt, without possessing any credit; our limits
will not allow us to dilate so copiously as we could
wish. Suffice it to say, that New York is in this respect
by no means behind hand with its neighbours, inasmuch
as it is not uncommon to see people riding in
splendid carriages, living in splendid houses, and owning
a whole street, who when they come to settle with
death, or their other creditors, pay the former and that
is all. For the benefit of all fashionable tourists, we
would wish to enter upon a full development of this the
most valuable secret of the whole art of living, which
may possibly one day stand them in stead. But it
would require volumes of illustrations, and a minuteness
of detail irreconcilable with the plan of this work.
And even then it is doubtful whether the tourist would

be able to put the system in practice, since many are
of opinion, that nothing but a regular apprenticeship in
the arts of stock jobbing, stock companies, hypothecation,
blowing bubbles and bursting them, as practised
par excellence in the beau monde of New York, will
qualify a person for living upon nothing, unless he has
an extraordinary natural genius.

Among the many modes however of raising the wind
in New York, that of buying lottery tickets is one of the
most infallible. It is amazing what a number of prizes
every lottery office keeper has sold either in whole or in
shares, and what is yet more extraordinary, as well as altogether
out of fashion, paid them too if you will take his
word for it. The whole insides and a large portion of
the outsides of many houses in Broadway, are covered
with the vast sums thus liberally dispensed to the public,
and what is very remarkable, among all those who
have made their fortunes in this way, we never heard of
a single person who was brought to ruin by it! People
need have no scruples of conscience about trying their
luck in this way, since if it were really gambling, the
legislature of New York state, which is a great enemy
to horse racing—save in one consecrated spot—and all
other kinds of gambling, would certainly never have
authorized a series of lotteries, of which some people
may recollect the beginning, but nobody can predict the
end. Nothing can exceed the philanthropic earnestness
with which the dispensers of fortune's favours, in the
lotteries, strive to allure the ignorant and unwary, who
are not aware of the certainty of making a fortune in
this way, into a habit of depending on the blind goddess,

instead of always stupidly relying upon the labour of
their hands, and the sweat of their brows. Nor ought
the unwearied pains of these liberal hearted persons, to
coax them into parting with all they have, in the moral
certainty of getting back a hundred, yea a thousand
fold, pass without due commendation, for certain it is,
that if any body in New York is poor, it must be owing
to their own obstinate stupidity in refusing these disinterested
invitations. N. B. There are very severe
laws against gambling in New York.

There are many other ways of living and getting
money here, and spending it too, which it is not necessary
to enumerate. We have premised sufficient to
enable the enlightened tourist, who peradventure may
have been left destitute in a strange place, by a run at
cards, a failure of remittances or any other untoward
accident, to retrieve his fortune, if he possesses an ordinary
degree of intrepidity and enterprise. A complete
knowledge of the world is the first requisite for living
in the world, and the first step to the attainment of this, is
to know the difference between catching and being
caught, as aptly exemplified in the fable of the fox and the
oyster.

Once upon a time—it was long before the foxes
had their speech taken from them lest they should get
the better of man—as Reynard was fishing for oysters
with his tail, he had the good luck to put the end of it
into the jaws of a fine Blue Pointer that lay gaping with
his mouth wide open, by reason of his having drank too
much salt water at dinner. “Ah ha!” cried the oyster,
shutting his mouth as quickly as his corpulent belly
would permit—“Ah ha! have I caught you at last!”

Reynard tickled to death at this wise exclamation, forthwith
set off full tilt for his hole, the oyster holding on
with all his might, though he got most bitterly bethumpt
against the rocks, and exclaiming all the while, “Ah
ha! my honest friend, dont think to escape me—I've
got you safe enough—ah ha!” All which he uttered
without opening his mouth, as was the custom of speaking
in those days. Reynard who had well nigh killed
himself with laughing, at length came safe to his lodgings
with the clumsy oyster still fast to his tail. After
taking a little breath, he addressed it thus, “Why thou
aquatic snail—thou non-descript among animals, that
art neither fish, flesh, nor fowl—hadst thou but one single
particle of brains in all that fat carcase of thine, I
would argue the matter with thee. As it is, I will soon
teach thee the difference between catching and being
caught.” So saying, he broke the shell of the honest
oyster, with a stone, and swallowed his contents with
great satisfaction.

Having seen every thing worth seeing, and eaten
of every thing worth eating, in New York, the traveller
may begin to prepare for the ineffable delights of the
springs. After the month of April, oysters become unlawful,
and canvass backs are out of season. There is
then nothing to detain the inquisitive tourist, and there
are many things that render his speedy departure highly
expedient. As Cæsar was cautioned by the seer to
beware the Ides of March, so do we in like manner,
seriously and vehemently caution the tourist to beware
of the first of May, in other countries and places the
season of May poles, rural dances, and rustic loves;

but in New York, the period in which a great portion of
the inhabitants, seem to be enjoying a game at puss-in-a-corner,
or move all. Woe be to the traveller who
happens to sojourn in a house where this game is going
on, for he will find no rest to the soles of his feet. His
chair, and his bed, his carpet, and his joint stool, will be
taken from under him, and he will be left alone as it
were like one howling in the wilderness. People seem
to be actually deranged, as well as their establishments,
insomuch that the prize poet whom we have quoted before,
not long since produced the following extempore
on the first of May:

For a more particular account of this festival, which
particularly distinguishes the city of New York from all
others in the known world, we refer our readers to the
following letter. There is however some reason to
surmise that it prevailed in Herculaneum and Pompeii,
and was one of the causes which brought the vengeance
of the gods on these unfortunate cities.