University of Virginia Library

57. CHAPTER LVII.

Dr. Sylvan's visit was to announce the favourable reply
of Dr. Bloduplex to the letter of the committee. But
the people were in a new tumult; and a petition to the
next Assembly was circulating for signatures, praying that
the Trustees be ordered to expel either Clarence or Harwood,
or both; and that while Bloduplex should be elected
as President, the professors should be taken each out of
different sects. For, reader, the two existing members of
the Faculty were both Rats; and Dr. Bloduplex was of
the same denomination! This, however, was then[3] the
natural result of circumstances—that sect being twenty-five

years since pre-eminent in learning, talent and enterprise.
And this I am bound as a true historian to declare, although
Dr. Bloduplex and myself do not belong to the same sect!
—an impartiality to be remembered to my credit hereafter.

I perceive we have thoughtlessly given a clue to the
sect meant. For when it is found by the reader what sect
twenty-five years ago, was pre-eminent in the respects
named, my secret so nicely kept is out—he has discovered
the Rats! But if such sect cannot be found, then among
the fictitious things of this book will, I fear, be placed our
worthy President, the Rev. Constant Bloduplex.

In this emergency, it occurred, that another petition in
aid apparently of the other, and yet subversive, by reducing
its principles to an absurdity, should be sent to the Legislature,
as the proper way for “Hoosier to fight Hoosier.”
Something must be done, because our magnates at the
Capitol would certainly essay something disastrous to the
college. Hence, the suggestion meeting Dr. Sylvan's approbation,
the framing of said petition was committed to
Mr. Carlton; when in a few days the following able paper
—(hem)—was submitted, corrected, approved, and adopted
by our friends:

“To the Honorable the Representatives of — in General
Assembly convened at Timberopolis, this petition of the
People of Woodville and the New Purchase generally,
is respectfully submitted:—

“First, that the existing Faculty of our College be requested
to resign before the election of a President, that
all denominations may have a fair and equal chance for
places:

“Secondly, that, there being nine religious sects in our
state, and three of philosophers, viz:—the Deistical, the
Atheistical, and the Fanny-wright-dale-owen-istical,—three
members of Faculty be annually elected out of each and

every of these twelve sects and bodies—each set of three
to serve one month, till the year ends, and then to recommence
with other sets of three, and so on till the end of
time.

“Among many unanswerable reasons for this petition,
we urge only four:—

“1. It is the true Anti-federal Democratical and Pure
Republican course, founded on rotation; for it is useless
to assert that all have a right to become Professors, unless
it can be shown possible and practicable:

“2. It will promote learning: for, when manifest that
every body, in turn, can be Professor, every body will go
to studying to get enough to last him at least a month:

“3. It is said, confidently, by some sectarian leaders,
that if they were in, their sects would each send one hundred
students to College! Hence, all sects doing the
same—as all will when one does—our College flourishes
at once with twelve hundred students!!

“4. The amazing cheapness of the plan. It will cost
nothing, except travelling expenses! Your petitioners
have been repeatedly informed, that no Democratical Republican
and patriotic Citizen will charge a dollar for his one
month's professional services!—but that all will serve for
the honour! and hence our Transmontane Commonwealth
shall show to the Whole Admiring World, the noble sight
of the Greatest, Most Wonderful, Most Powerful Free
School System in the Universe!!!!

“This petition, and reasons, are respectfully submitted,
and your petitioners—all, at least, that acknowledge a Supreme
Being—will ever pray,” &c.

This petition was copied by James Sylvan, the Doctor's
nephew; who, being a talented young man, the paper was
generally attributed to him. When circulated, it soon had
the proper number of signatures—a few signing with a full

understanding of its nature, and not a few believing it auxiliary
to the other, and already signed by them! These
latter thought, if one petition would do good, two would do
more.

Sorry am I to say, both Ned and Domore signed both
papers! Yet, afterwards, Ned insisted, with the most
awful “busts of his rifle!” that he had signed the first
only to please his neighbours! and then ours, to counteract
the other's evil tendency!! Ned had a little of the
Falstaff in him—and Shakspeare drew from life.

Well, the petition was forwarded about Christmas: and
a waggish member, who affected to be a very Adams in defence
of the right of petition, contrived to present our paper
before the appearance of its enemy. And the effect, they
say, was such on the risibles of our “grave and reverend
seigniors,” that Insidias Cutswell, Esq., who had charge
of the other paper, did himself join heartily in the laugh,—
(he always laughed if the majority indulged)—and never
took the true people's-people's petition from his pocket!
In justice must it be said, that, while that petition had
been drawn up by himself ad hoosierandum, he was secretly
glad to have it defeated. Still, he condoled with
the signers, by lamenting and condemning “the unhappy
state of indecorum at the time too prevalent in the House,
which rendered it unadvisable to submit grave and important
matters to their consideration!”