University of Virginia Library

43. CHAPTER XLIII.

The nature of our favourite doctrine—the sovereignty
of the people—is but imperfectly understood from theory;
and, truly, what importance to the vast majority to be called
kings, unless opportunities are afforded to exercise the royal
prerogatives?

True, in the constitutions of the twenty-six States, are
paper models of republican governments, the purest in nature;
such as the monarchical-republic, the oligarchic, the
aristocratic, the federal, the democratic, ay, the cheatitive
or repudiative, the despotic, the mobocratic, the anarchic,
cum multis al is: but what of all this, if the citizen kings
cannot be indulged in a little visible, tangible, audible, law-making,
law-judging and law-executing?

Now, in the New Purchase, the people universal, the
people general, the people special, of every county, town
and village, of every sect, religious and irreligious, of every
party, political, impolitical, and non-political, were indulged
in bona fide acts of real rity-dity sovereignty. And each

and every part, party, and parcel, lorded it over the whole,
and over one another; and the whole over the parts and
over itself—ay, and every one that did it against the wall,
ruled the State and the nation, and his neighbour, and then
turned round and ruled himself, not in the fear of heaven,
but in the fear of the people! The fact is, we did nothing
else than rule one another; and none ever even obeyed for
fear of disobeying; and hence our public servants (and we
kept them sweating) being distracted by opposite instructions
from different constituents—(for candidates with us
only carried up votes, wishes, &c.)—from Thomas and
Richard and Henry and Squire Rag and Major Tagg and
Mister Bobtail, and being imperiously ordered to rob Peter
to pay Paul, our public servants, poor knaves and honest
rascals, would not obey, simply out of reverence and for
fear of offeuding and hurting our feelings!

Here follows a specimen of the people ruling the college
and the college ruling the people.

We, the people of the Trustees, for the good of the
people general, did resolve this autumn to elect a Professor
of Mathematics and advertised accordingly. This of itself
enraged the people who set no value on learning, and deemed
one small salary a waste of the poor people's education
money; but when rumour declared we intended to elect a
man nominally a Rat,[6] (Mr. Clarence being also a Rat,)
the wrath was roused of the people, religious, and irreligious,
of all other sects. This, indeed, was confined to
Woodville; for from the very first, we, the people of Woodville
and thereabouts, did kindly adopt the State College
as ours; and we, therefore, claimed the sole right of
superintending the Legislature, the Board of Visitors, the
Board of Trustees, the Faculty, proper and improper, the
Students, foreign and domestic, the Funds, the Buildings

—the everything; and for some time we ordered and regulated,
and turned in and out most despotically.

Well, the people having united the peoples in a fixed
purpose, viz.—to keep out a Rat, but not having united
them in any purpose of putting in anybody else, the people,
now sovereign and of many kings, held a meeting up town
in the court-house yard; while we, the trustee-people and
sovereigns of another sort, were holding our meeting to
elect a professor in the prayer-hall of Big College; and
then the People's-people, formed under the command of
Brigadier Major General Jacobus, Esq., Clerk of Court,
Chief Librarian of Woodville Library, and Deputy Post
Master under his late Majesty, General Andrew Jackson,
marched down in a formidable battalion to give us our
orders.

This grand dignitary of so many tails we have just
named, was most fit head to the fit body he conducted.
He was no inconsiderable a people himself, being very fat
and very saucy; nay, as in warm weather he always appeared
without coat, vest, cravat, and usually with slouched
hat, shoes down at heel on stockingless feet, and one
“gallus” hard strained to keep up his greasy and raggy
breeches; and as in this costume he strutted everywhere
full of swagger and brag, he was then the best living and
embodied personification of a mistaken, conceited, meddlesome,
pragmatical people anywhere to be found. He flourished
in that grand era, rotation in office; but by him it
was interpreted a rotation out of one public office into
another—yea! even now he actually sustained at once
seven salaried offices little and big—yea! moreover to these
seven tails he added and very commonly exhibited another
—the tail of his shirt! Now, one may conceive how our
great father of one or more terms looks; one can even imagine
how Uncle Sam looks; but who forms approximating
conceptions of that proteus sovereign—the People! Believe

me, his rowdy majesty, General Jacobus, is as near a likeness,
in many essential respects, as can be obtained—but
this is digression.

Our honourable Trustees were, as usual, sitting with
open doors, and hence were, as heretofore, accommodated
with numerous lobby members; and these kept muttering
discontent at our doings, and often volunteered remarks in a
play-house whisper for our correction and guidance. Dr.
Sylvan, however, who anticipated a storm, had contrived to
put the vote for Mr. Harwood's election, a little prior to the
first faint noise of the coming cataract of turbid waters, and
had succeeded in securing this gentleman's unanimous
choice—when a considerable hurrahing outside announced
the People's people—and in a moment after, in swaggered
his greasy royalty, General Jacobus, followed by as much
of the ultimate sovereignty as could squeeze into the room.
And then King Slouch commenced as follows:—

“Mr. President and gentlemen of the Board!—hem!—
I have the honour to be the orgun of the people—hem!
—and by their orders I've come in here, to forbid the election
of Mr. Harwood of Kaintuckey, as our Professur of
Mathematucs—hem!—in the people's collidge—he-e-m!!
You'r all servunts of the people and hainit the right no how
to give away their edicashion money without thar consent
—I say—hem!—as all is not admitted to these here halls
of science—he-e-m!! And the people in the inbred,
incohesive use of thar indefeesibul native rights, order me
thar orgun to say they don't want two teachers of the same
religion no how—and I say it—and I say, Mr. President,
they say its better to have them of different creeds, and I
say that too—for they say they'll watch one another and
not turn the students to thar religion and—hem! Yes, the
people in their plentitude have met, and they say they don't
want no church and state—and I say it; for thar's a powerful
heap of danger to let one sect have all the power—

and I call on this board to let their historic recollections be
—be—recollected—and wasn't thar John Calvin, the moment
he got the power, didn't he burn poor Mikul Servetis
at the stake—and—and—so ain't it plain if two men here git
all the power thar's a beginning of church and state, as that
immortal Jefferson says? And who knows if you and me
and the people here mayn't be tortered and burn'd yet
in a conflagaration of fagguts and fire? Who then with
this probability—”

Here Dr. Sylvan, our worthy President, interrupted the
speaker, the doctor being now only recovered from his surprise;
for, veteran as he was in politics, and often as he
had known the people essay small overt acts of sovereignty,
this affair was so novel and so grandly impudent, that it
took him the first half of the harangue to collect himself,
and the other to concoct the following judicious compound
of decision, sarcasm and blarney:—

“It is with regret, General Jacobus and my respected
fellow citizens, I interrupt the eloquent utterance of sentiments
so patriotic and so well adapted to excite our disgust
and horror at a union of Church and State; but in the present
case, I do really believe the danger is not to be apprehended.
In the first place, we all know the liberal
sentiments of Professor Clarence towards all religious
bodies; and in the second place, the gentleman just elected
by us before the entrance of your honourable body and
organ, is not known to be a member of any communion;
and lastly, we Trustees are of six different denominations
ourselves, and therefore, as we put in we can also put out,
the instant danger is found to threaten the State from our
present course. And, fellow-citizens, we shall, I am confident,
be quite Argus-eyed over our faculty—but at all
events we have gone too far to retrace our steps; for Mr.
Harwood is legally appointed, and for what we deemed
good reasons. And surely no American citizen in this

glorious land of equal rights and blood-bought liberties,
where the meanest felon has a trial by jury, will contend
that an honourable and unoffending man of another state—
the noble old Kentucky—should be turned out of office—
and no accusation against his competency and moral character?
Backwoodsmen don't ask that!—and they don't
think of it. Had this honourable representation come fifteen
minutes sooner, something might have been done or
prevented;—for we are indeed servants of the people—but
Mr. Harwood ought now to have time to show himself, and
cannot be degraded without an impeachment. And who is
ready to impeach a Kentuckian because John Calvin or
John Anybody else burnt Servetus a hundred years ago?—
and that, when it is not even known whether Mr. Harwood
himself might not have been roasted in the days of persecution
for some heresy mathematical or religious! Fellow
citizens, our meeting is adjourned.”

Our venerable Congress at Washington sometimes gets
into a row, and even breaks up in a riot. And why should
it not be so, when many conscript fathers have practised
bullyism from early life, and have only gone to the great
conservative assembly to do, on a large scale, dirty
things often done before on a small one? Or why, on the
other hand, if the reverend young fathers there set us, the
people, the example, should any person affect to wonder
that we sometimes imitate our law givers? Whether we,
the New Purchase people, set or followed the example,
need not be determined; but we certainly adjourned to-day
in a grand kick-up; which, if described, must be in the
pell-mell style of history.

At the word “adjourned,” ending Doctor Sylvan's
speech, came a violent and simultaneous rush; some pushing
towards the door, to get out—some from without into the
door, to get in—and some towards the clerk's seat, to
seize and destroy the record: but that wary officer, at the

same word just named, had quietly slipped the sacred record
into his breeches' pocket, the minutes being only recorded
with a lead pencil on a quarter sheet of cap paper. Then
commenced a hell-a-below, loud enough at first, but which,
like a Latin Inceptive, still went on and tended to perfection;
being an explosion commingled of growl, curse, hurrah,
hiss, stamp, and clap; and then and there and all
through the “mass meeting,” were Brigadier Major General
Jacobus, and our people and the people's people and
other people, all huddled and crowded and mixed, and all
and every one and each were and was explaining, demanding,
denying, do-telling, and wanting to know, somewhat thus:

“Hurrah for Harwood!—damn him and Clarinse too—
ain't the money our'n, that's what I want to know?—I say
Doctor, remember next 'lection!—that's the pint—you lie,
by the lord Harry!—let me out, blast your eyes!—it ain't—
it tis—let us in, won't you?—do tell—General Jacobus
ought to have his nose pulled—he didn't burn him—don't
tell me—pull it if you dare—he burnt hisself—go to the
devil—no patchin' to him—powerful quick on the trigger—
Calvin—get up petition to legislature—rats—didn't I say
we ought to get down sooner?—faggots—Harwood ain't—
gunpowder—darn'd clever fellow—Servetus—hurrah for
hic haec hoc!—let's out—give 'em more money—let's in—
is the board to be forced?—get out o' my way—fair trial—
don't blast—answer that—I know better—'tain't—'tis—hold
your jaw—whoo!—shoo!—hiss — hinyow—bowwow—
rumble—grumble—Sylvan—Clarinse—Jacobus—Harwood
Servetus”—&c. &c., and away rolled majesty, till the
noise in the distance was like the grum mutter of retiring
thunder!

How awfully grand and solemn a little people in the
swell of arrogated supremacy! But we saw King Mob to
greater advantage next year; which sight shall be duly
set before our readers. Meanwhile we shall take a pleasant

rural excursion in the following chapter, by way of recreating
after our toils in behalf of learning.