University of Virginia Library

55. CHAPTER LV.

We shall conclude this year with a wedding.

“Who is to be married?”

John Glenville.

“That old bachelor?”

The same.

“To whom?”

Pardon me, I may not tell. The courtship, however,
had been speedy. On his side an affair of the heart—not
I fear, on hers. He certainly married not for money; she

—but she is in her forest grave now—and let her memory,
like her body, rot. Happy if another at the wedding had
died—that one can never die so peaceful now! The serpents
of our woods were fatal—yet they gave warning—
thou wast and art a more deadly snake—and warned not!
Traitor! the world will not understand this; and may
deem it fiction—thou wilt understand and sooner or later—
tremble! God save thee, however, the horrors of a death
bed!

The society of Woodville was not yet refined as it might
have been; although steps for the sublimating process had
been taken by our gentry, and with some success. Such
attempts, however, by many, were regarded with jealousy,
and by not a few with feelings of rancorous hostility.
Sometimes, too, every attempt had failed, and that owing
to the “galls:” for these insisted on mixing with our parties,
and also on taking seats at table; or if not present, it
was owning to management, and not a tame surrender of
the helpers' rights. Not unfrequently had an embryo lady,
or one emerging from the grub and hoosiery form, been
compelled by the discontent of her help, who had detected
the artifice of her mistress, to soothe the young lady by
saying before the company:

“Betty, child, I do wish you would sit down and a sort
a pour out, while I run out and bake the rest of the cakes.”

Once a very select party of prospective gentry had assembled
at Mrs. Roughsmoothe's, and had become talkative
and lively; when the gall-help, wishing to increase
the fun, suddenly descended from the loft, into our company,
and paraded over the room in her lady's husband's
brother's old buckskin breeches!

To aid the polishing of society, after long discussions
among the ladies, not those only connected with the bride
elect, but others intimate with our several families, it was

determined to have a sample wedding. To this, indeed,
the gentlemen all had objections; but the weaker sex, as
is always in such affairs the case, proved the stronger:
and so away to work went all hands for the grand display.

And, now, the truth of political economy became manifest,
that extravagance benefits mechanics, storekeepers,
and the like; for we sold broadcloth, and trimmings, and
silks, and satins—in short, all things for wedding-suits,
dresses and decorations; and every mantua-maker, milliner,
tailor, and shoemaker was in immediate requisition. Superfine
flour, too, was needed—the best teas and coffees—
the best loaf sugar—the best, in a word, of all persons and
things from the beginning to the end of Woodville. Nay,
many articles were required from the Ohio River. Hence,
so many messages were sent, and so many packages
brought, by waggoners and travellers, to and from, that
long before the eventful day, half the State was advertised
of the coming ceremony. Indeed, not a few at that time
came into Woodville from adjoining counties: which accounts
for the curious external celebration that accompanied
the internal one.

Nor were only selling and buying promoted by the affair—
it increased borrowing and lending. Many, who “allowed”
they would be asked, had agreed to lend one another
suitable apparel, from caps and curls upwards, to shoes and
stockings downwards: and our bride's folks, not having
domestic means enough, had borrowed far and wide every
article in the shape of china, proper and mock, and silver,
German and real. Consequently, the whole settlement
was more or less interested in our wedding: and it was
clear as sunshine, we should have as fine a gathering of
hoosiers, in all stages of refinement, both inside and outside
the house, as the heart of man could desire.

The wedding week had now arrived; and notes, prepared
in the best style, were sent round by Wooley Ben, the

negro barber, hired as waiter and to discharge a dozen
other offices and duties. Additional waiters would have been
employed; but this was the only respectable black “nigger”
in town: and as to hiring a native, white, red, or
brown, you might as easily have hired the Governor. Indeed,
nobody had, either little enough brains, or sufficient
temerity, to make the experiment:—a hundred to one, we
should have either been jawed or, more likely, got our own
jaws slapped.

Well, the grand evening came at last; and about sun-down
the wedding guests arrived, and were formally ushered
into the parlour; which, for the first, saw ladies enter
without bonnets, and with heads—some profusely, but
many tastefully—decorated with flowers and curls, artificial
and real. And never had that room been so full of
seats, varying from sofa to stool, or of so many yards of
silk, thread-lace, and bobinette! It had the honour of
sustaining the first fashionable jam ever known in the Purchase!

Across the entry, was a dining room; which was now
devoted to the supper-table, and its fixins. The supper
differed, however, in no important point from an eastern
affair—except, it was twice as abundant. But our furniture
was very different. Things went, indeed, by usual
names; yet the plate and the plates were very unlike
modern articles: and they were different from themselves!
All were antique vases, goblets, spoons, and so forth, the
relics of broken and by-gone sets; and gathered, not
merely from all parts of the Union, but from France, England,
Nova-Scotia, Scotland, and Wales. China and silver
representatives were on that table, of all the grand old-fashioned
dignity once pertaining to the ancestry of the
Woodville grandees; and whose pretensions to gentility
thus shone forth in a dumb show! Not a bit of plate,
pretended or genuine, but what had been borrowed, and

several pieces had even been sent voluntarily; so that
Ned, one of the company without, very properly said, in
his vernacular:

“Well! bust my rifle, if I allowed thare was sich a powerful
heap of silver and chanery in these here diggins! I
tell you what, Domore! wouldn't them wot-you-callums
buy up ne'er about all Uncle Sam's land in these parts?”

It has been said, the incipient attempts to sublimate and
crystalize society, were viewed by many with enmity:
and hence the male clarifiers had opposed any grand doings
now, as the whole might irritate, excite great prejudice,
and even retard the desired improvements. That
such fears were not groundless, will appear in the sequel:
but an episode is here necessary.

In many places of the Far West, in those days, was
prevalent a custom derived from the Canadians, called Chevrarai;
or, as pronounced by us in the Purchase, and
spelled by Mr. Nonpareil Primer, our College printer—
Shíver-ree. And that looks and sounds as much like the
thing as its echo. Hence we shall follow nature, or Mr.
Primer, (who was very natural in spelling,) and call the
thing Shíver-ree. The Shíver-reeing was done by a collection
of all physical bodies capable of emitting sounds from
a sugar kettle to a horse-shoe; and from the hoarsest bass
of the toughest hoosier, to the most acute treble of the
tenderest hoosierine—and all, at a signal, let off at once
under the windows, and in the very doors, of the marriage
house.

Commonly fun only was designed; and the serenaders
good humouredly retired after a dram of some alcoholic
liquor. Still, a little frolicsome mischief was sometimes
added. For instance, the Shíver-ree-ers would insist on
seeing the bridegroom; and the moment he appeared, he
would be transported to their shoulders, and paraded round
a few hundred yards, and in the very centre of the music;
after which, he would be restored to his anxious bride, and

the revellers, giving three cheers, would retire. The
bridegroom would, indeed, sometimes be kept too long; as
was the case with the young store-keeper, who had been
of our cave party: for, the Shíver-ree folks, having, by a
very cunning stratagem, caught this bridegroom, contrived
to carry him away, and keep him locked up in the jury-room
of the Court-house till near day-break, when he was
liberated! And, all this, without his being able to identify
one of his persecutors!

But the Shíver-ree was used, also, to annoy any unpopular
person or family. And, then, not even double or
quadruple drams could purchase peace. The moment
always chosen to begin the concert, was when the parties
stood before the parson. Then the power of his voice,
the patience of the groom, and the nerves of the bride,
were all fairly tested. The solemnization was as publicly,
and loudly announced as by the roar of artillery at royal
celebrations. The art within was to elude the vigilance
of the party without: in which attempt, however, to the
best of my recollection, the party within was always preeminently
unsuccessful—it being not possible that any
movement could escape a dozen practised eyes and ears
watching for signs, and usually aided by treachery within
the house.

Well, to-night, with all experience against us, and although
notified, by ominous sounds of rehearsal, that the
musicians were ready, we tried the usual ways of eluding
—such as dropping the curtains, appointing sentinels for
doors and crevices, and specially by keeping up no small
noise ourselves, laughing, talking, and screaming, up to the
instant when Mr. Clarence suddenly rose and met the
bridal party, entering from an adjoining apartment. Without
delay, he began with the notice, that, by virtue of a
license in his hand, he appeared to unite in marriage the
parties named therein, viz.—John Glenville, of Guzzleton,

and Evelina B—, of B—: and, as the profoundest
stillness yet prevailed without, we began to exchange
smiles of triumph, that, for once, Argus had been beguiled.
Even the preacher proceeded, with unwonted confidence,
and said, pro formulâ—“if any one present knows reason
why the parties ought not to be united in the bands of
wedlock, let such an one now speak —.” If any body
inside answered, the voice was unheard in the horrid din
from without, that interrupted and replied to the Reverend
Gentleman's inquisitorial formula.

What the din resembled, the reader, if poetic and fond
of music, may imagine, when we run over the instruments
of that extra-transcendental quavering, quivering, shivering
and roaring uproar!—viz. two corn baskets full of cow-bells
tied to saplings;—a score and a half of frying pans
beat with mush sticks;—two and thirty Dutch oven and
skillet lids clashed as cymbals;—fifty-three horse shoes,
played as triangles;—ten large wash-tubs and seven small
barrels drummed with fists and corn-cobs;—one hundred
and ninety-five quills, prepared and blown as clarionets;—
forty-three tin-whistles and baby-trumpets, blown till they
all cracked;—two small and one large military drums with
six fifes, blown on D in alt., or thereabouts;—add imitations
of scalp and war cries;—and inhuman yells, screams,
shrieks and hisses, of the most eminent vocalists!

The human performers were estimated from two hundred
and fifty to three hundred and fifty! there being about two
hundred extra volunteers from other counties:—the whole
mammoth-rabble-rouse being got up to do special dishonour
to “d—d 'ristocraticul and powerful grand big-bug doins!”
There were also super-human vocalists!--of these directly.

Temperance had advocates ready to shoot, but not be
shot for her, in our party; hence when the ceremony was
supposed to be ended, by the parson's being seen kissing the

wife, out started the two groomsmen and several volunteers
with buckets, pitchers, and cups, to molify the drinking
part of the serenaders. But when the customary doses
were administered, not only did the musicians not retire
with the complimentary cheers, but remained and calling
for “big-bug wine—fit for gentlemen!” and letting off at
each repetition of the demand peals of shíver-ree; till finding
after all no wine forthcoming, they manifested symptoms
of more serious riot and abuse.

This awakened an angry spirit in the bridal party, and
threats from without were answered by menace from within,
while inquiries were made of our host what arms could
be furnished for the defence of the castle. At this instant
a window sash behind the Miss Ladybooks was cautiously
raised from without, and before I could step thither to hold
down the sash, in leaped a musician—a four footed swine,
some six months of age, and weighing some fifty pounds!
Master Grunter had evidently entered unwillingly: and although
in his descent he availed himself of one lady's
shoulder, and another's lap, he trod elastically as an essenced
exquisite, and scarcely deranged a collar or soiled
a frock!

The feat was cheered by piggy's associates; and the
more, as our ladies in avoiding the unclean gentleman, had
sprung upon chairs, sofas, and even tables, where their
alarmed countenances were visible above the curtains to
the bipedalic hogs without. Young Squeal, however, behaved
himself just like a pig in a parlour—he sneaked with
a tight-twisted tail and a vulgar grunt under the grand
bridal sofa: and thence, I forget how, he was unceremoniously
turned out among his former friends, where he felt
himself more at home.

Virginia and Kentucky blood was now approaching the
boiling point; and a rush was made by some of us towards
the door—but there Dr. Sylvan had, with great wisdom,

already taken post to prevent if possible, either ingress or
egress. Still the door could not be kept wholly closed;
and we thus caught glimpses of performers mounted on the
backs of performers—the super-human ones being large
four-footed hogs, which were held on human backs, by
their front legs, advanced hugging fashion, each side a
human neck! As the rational creatures capered up and
down with their riders, those irrational ones, in terror and
fierce indignation, were sending forth those long, woful,
keen, nerve-shaking appeals for release, that we in simplicity
had till now imagined masterly imitations of some
squeaking even better than piggy himself! Nothing like
the true hog after all!

Meanwhile, two thus doing piggy-back in reverse order,
had gradually advanced to the door; when the horse-pig
essayed to force a wider aperture, intending to incline forward
and thus allow the mounted animal to leap into the
entry, and thence into the dining room to upset and demolish
the table with its goodies and silver. But no sooner
had the hog-ridden serenader thrust his hand into the aperture
than Dr. S. aided by Harwood, forced the door against
the member, and so held the gentleman that he cried out
not wholly unlike Mr. Snout but a moment before on his
back, yet now let fall! It is wonderful how hard a fellow
can pull when his hand is thus caught! Why, spite of all
the force against him, he did jerk his hand out—and left
nothing behind except the skin of a thumb with a nail attached!—a
scalp for the victors!

At the instant word came to the author, that his darling
little girl had gone into fits from fright! And when I beheld
the blood gushing from her nose, and her face pale
and death-like—* * *—yes, I rushed out bare-headed
and weaponless, followed by a few bold friends with lights,
Dr. S. having left the door to attend to the babe! Our design
was to catch some in the act of riot, and make them answer

at a legal tribunal. Aware of this, the rabble fled as our
lights advanced: but soon rallying in a dark corner, they
began to salute us with groans, hisses and stones--and
then rose the cry, “Knock 'em down!—drag the big-bug
yankees through the creek!” And so our situation was
momentarily becoming more and more critical, when a
well-known voice thus arose in our behalf:—

“Bust my rifle!—if I'm goin to stand by and see that
ither, I say, or my name's not Ned Stanley—no! no! I
tell'd you to put off a hour ago, when me and Domore
kim up, arter they give us the fust dram. Them folks ain't
to my idee, no how, but they've got rites as well as the
best on us—and I ain't agoin for to see 'em trampled on no
furthur no how. I say Bob Carltin's a powerful clever
feller, arter all, albeit he's thick with big-bugs—and, bust
my rifle, if any man knocks him down to-night, or drags
him in the water, till he tries hisself fust on Ned Stanley!”

“Them's my idees, Ned,”—responded the well known
voice of Domore,—“and it tain't us Woodill fellers no
how, what's carried it so fur—its them darn'd blasted chaps
from the Licks and Nobs. And I'm not goin ither to go
agin a man what was with us in Bill's cave—and if that
leetle gal a hissin is gone in a fit, I'm most powerful teetotal
sorry I had any thing to do with the fun any how.
Come, come, darn my leggins, let's make ourselves skerse
—come, fellers, let's be off!”

Mobs, like other flocks and herds, follow their leaders
by instinct. After all Virgil's poetical great man's power
to smoothe down popular swells, this night showed he could
have done nothing that way in the Purchase[9] For though
the grave and reverend Clarence was with us, no subsidence
in the boiling sea was visible, till Ned and Domore

rose in their majesty; and while two or more schoolmasters
were abroad in the land that night, the quelling of riot
and preventing of violence and bloodshed, was by radical
leaders destitute of learning and gravity, but full of courage,
manly feeling and muscular power!

Man may be known from books, but men and boys are
different matters; and the phases of the genus Homo in
the Purchase were then different from the phases elsewhere.
Even a genuine Hoosier mob is totally unlike a
scum mob in an Atlantic city: generosity may be found in
the former, none in the latter. The first loves rather the
fun, the latter, the plunder and blood, of a riot. Fear of
the military scatters the city mob, an appeal to manliness
disperses the Hoosier one.

Our retreat was left, of course, unimpeded; nor was the
annoyance renewed. Yet the spirit of frolic was up; and
aided by the spirit of the still. Hence, away rolled the tumult
to the forest; where the prowling panther and other
denizens of the lairs, were appalled by a tempest of sounds,
such as never before had disturbed the solemnities of the
grand old shades. And the orgies of the drunken-god
were celebrated as in primitive times, when Orpheus was
hired to lead home the raving wives and daughters of his
townsmen.

Next day, Dr. Sylvan and others dreading future results
of the Shíver-ree made inquisition for leading rioters. None,
of course, could be identified, save the man without the
thumb-skin; and he, taking the alarm, became “so skerse”
as never again to be seen in Woodville. For a while,
therefore, the Shíver-ree was disused; but by degrees it
was again introduced, and when we left the Purchase it
was there as popular and noisy as ever.