 | CHAPTER LIII. The new purchase, or, Seven and a half years in the far West |  |
53. CHAPTER LIII.
As the shrounds make at sea in a stiff tempest;
As loud, and to as many tunes; hats, cloaks,
(Doublets, I think,) flew up;—and had their faces
Been loose, this day they had been lost. Such joy
I never saw before.”
Some may wish to know how our Faculty spent vacations
in the woods. As to Clarence, in term time, he preached
twice on Sabbath, and sometimes oftener; beside, lectures
in the week, and the like,—but, in vacations, he commonly
did more. This very vacation, he once walked five
miles in the rain; preached an hour and a half in the open
air; and then walked back the same distance to Glenville's
new cabin, on the river. Our preacher was, what
is called a laborious minister: and yet his ecclesiastical
stipend, and that in trade, averaged only fifty dollars per
annum! yea! he has even been without a morsel of food
in his house, or a stick of wood for a fire—and, in a cold
winter day, lay thus sick and deserted!
Clarence, however, would laugh a little: but, then, for
this, Carlton was usually to blame. Hence, we do hope
“the brethren,” when reading this work, will be careful to
condemn the right person—and that, not too severely; as
the author, a somewhat ubiquitous man, has had the pleasure
of hearing Bishops, Priests, and Deacons, as well as
the inferior ministers, preachers, and exhorters, do secular
laughing, beside “making merry” with friends, according
to the Scriptures.
Thus our Faculty, in vacations, did often, what classical
people do elsewhere—nothing! Sometimes, they did next
And this last consists in craking nuts and jokes—
racing one another, and slamming doors—in upsetting
chairs, and even kicking up carpets! Great wisdom,
however, and art and tact, and gentlemanly feeling, are
requisite for the cut-up; and specially in knowing where
and when to cease: and, of all men, to do the thing right,
Harwood, Clarence, Glenville, and Carlton were just
“the dandy!” If the affair is not done up to the point—
it is teasing; if beyond—it is horse play; but if in medio
tutissimi—it is the most tickling and exhilatory!—better
to provoke laughter than all the jest-books in existence.
The cut-ups were usually in wet weather.
In dry times, our literati strolled into the forests; where
mineralogy, botany, and natural history, suggested by dark
masses of rough rocks, or curious stones and shells, never
before handled by moderns; or by enormous wild flowers,
with cups large enough to hold two thimbles-full of dew;
or by a startled snake, ringing his warning under prostrate
trunks on or near which the learned stood; or, by crackling
brush and whirling leaves, where shone a streak of bounding
wolf or glancing deer—became recreations detaining
our friends till dinner was deferred until tea, and tea until
supper, when all were devoured as one! Perhaps the
mind never so marched towards the west, as once when Clarence
and Harwood, and several visiting literati, were seen
by the Author, all in a line, knee-deep and wading towards
the occidental sun, through the fresh-fallen leaves; and
thus discussing,—at one time, the Greek Tragedians,—at
another, the Calculus and the Analytical Geometry! It
was the only time the Author ever witnessed the Grand
Abstraction embodied and embattled! And he feels elated
as the White Man who talked—(in Judge Hall's Works)—
to the very Indian whose great-paternal grandfather had
of a Gopher!
Often, too, would I seduce the Faculty into a hunt, by
quoting the Greek of Xenophon, where Cyrus the Elder
inflames his comrades, by descriptions of wild boars that
rushed on the hunter's spear like warriors in battle, and
of deer that leaped — oh! how high! But this vacation,
I proposed a party, to visit and explore a cave just
discovered by a hunter in pursuit of a fox, that darted
down a sink-hole and disappeared, in an opening among
some rocks.
In any village is it difficult, but especially in a New-Purchase
one, to keep such intention secret. Soon, then,
was it bruited through Woodville, that Carlton was making
up a party for the cave; when further invitation was useless,
our main art now being to keep out some, whose
“room was better than their company.” And this must be
done without seeming to interfere with people's liberty of
going where they liked. The prevention was partly accomplished
by fixing on no definite day; and deferring,
till some became weary of waiting and left town, or so
engaged that going would then be impossible. Some,
also, were specially asked; but not before it had been
ascertained that small chance existed of their obtaining
horses. This was the case with the Doolittles; who, as we
rode by the morning of the expedition, answered somebody's[5]
expressions of regret that we should be deprived
of the pleasure of their company, with—“Well! thank
you all the same for the invite—next time we'll look up
nags and critters a smart chance quicker!”
Unexpectedly, one fine morning, the rising sun shedding
one dozen horses at Carlton's rack, and about an
equal number in other places, accoutred and accoutring—
(passively);—and, therefore, shortly after “sun up” where
we could see him, a report was spread that Carlton's party
was going to the cave to-day. But rumour was not long
requisite to advertise; since every man, woman, boy, girl,
and child of the party became, about 8 o'clock, A. M., a
notifier, while our cavalcade dashed through the village,
talking, cantering, whipping, joking, spurring, laughing!
while some screamed, “come on, thare, behind!” and
some, “not so blame fast, thar', in front!” and others in
piteous accents, “La! if I ain't dropt my ridicul'!”—
“Awh! stop! won't you?”—“This darn'd ole guth's
a-bustin'!” Oh! it was a glorious hubbub!
Alas! how dignity forgot decorum that delicious morning!
Even our literati, the teachers of proprieties and all
that, even they lost sight of Lord Chesterfield! Why,
reader! they laughed outright like the vulgar! They rode
with one foot only in a stirrup, and let the other dangle!
They jumped down to pick up Polly Logrul's “bag as had
her hankichif in!” And more—they pelted the girls at a
distance with acorns, beech-nuts, and horse-chesnuts!
switched Hoosier-dandies' horses, to make them kick-up!
rear! run! and what not! And if the grave folks behaved
so—what did the others?
Ah! dear Precise! does happiness consist in skin-tight
garments? in a hat or bonnet stuck to the pate in a style?
in tying one's limbs to the dull earth by straps under boots?
in moving with a graceful and pointed toe, and fingers
curved and adjusted, and neck arched in magazine fashion?
and in riding horses with trained gait—in smirking, and
simpering, and lisping, by rule? If so: go not to a New
Purchase! Above all, go not with the natives to explore a
cave! Depend on it—you will break your straps! your
Solemnly—it will spoil your looks!—those, at least, your
milliner, and tailor, and perfumer gave you! But if no
regard for your makers' reputations deter you—I tell you
it will break your—necks!
One may ride a trained horse, handsomely caparisoned,
on macadamised ways, and sit perpendicular and graceful,
while the beast does his theatrical starts and plunges
at certain secret pulls, touches, and words: but put the
same rider on the mischievous, unbroken, wild “crittur”
of the woods, moving in a compound of all gaits, and starting,
plunging, kicking, and biting extemporaneously; and
on a saddle that does not fit, and with a girth that will
break; and this in a gully road, a snaggy ravine, an impeded
trace, or a tangled and pathless woods;—and then
if the rider forget not dignity, and grace, and rules, adieu
to his seat! and maybe adieu to whatever brains nature,
or, more likely, Phrenology may have given him! Situations
occur in both the moral and the natural worlds,
where a man becomes a law unto himself—and such are
often in the west. But this is digression.
Our party was to consist of one dozen adults;—(children
are never counted out there, but go, not as shadows—they
are mere accretions)—yet spite of the effort to be exclusive,
our select company swelled to nearly thirty! And this before
we set out! and then so great was the excitement produced,
that some who had abandoned the intention of going,
suddenly resumed it; so, that just after our entering the
woods, a clatter of hoofs and uproar of voices and leaves
were close in the rear! and there was a handsome addition
to the cave party of some dozen more! Among others,
was a hunting crony of mine, Domore: and behind on his
horse he carried two of the Doolittles! Other horses had
duplex riders too; and when such all got into Indian
file, nothing could be seen except legs on the ground kicking
that being answered instantly by a very venomous switching
of horse tails, and an occasional and extra performance of
horse heels.
Perhaps the increased company was also owing to this:
several affianced lovers were of the party; and rumour,
with more of romance than reality, had said, that more than
two couples were to be married in the cave under ground!
Oh! what a temptation—a Hoosier wedding in a new-found
cave! But the sternness of truth forbids; yet the Talemaquers
must not steal this idea: when I write fiction I
shall make a story out of it myself.
Seven miles from Woodville we reached the cabin of the
hunter, who had discovered the cave. Here we got ample
directions; not, indeed, from the male hunter—he was absent—but
from Mrs. Hunter. These are here condensed
for the guidance of the reader, in case he may want to visit
the cave for curiosity or consumption.
DIRECTIONS OF MRS. HUNTER.
“Well, stranjurs, I warn't never at that are cave; but I
often heern him tell on it; and I allows I kin a sort a pint
out the course ne'er on about as well as Bill himself kin.
Now, look here—you must put off ahind the cabin down
the branch till you amost about come to ole Fire-Skin's
trace—(an Indian once trading there)—and thare a kind a
take off a sort a so like—(pointing S. S. West)—and that'll
bring you to Hickory Ridge; whare you must keep down
like, but a sort a leetle barin up, till you strike B'ar Waller—(a
creek)—and thare keep rite even on strate ahead
till you gits to Rock-Ford—and some wher strate ayond is
near about whare Bill fust seed the wolf or fox, I disremember
which on 'em 'twas—but no odds no how—only
foller on thare, a turning though left; and a leetle ayond
is the sink holes:—and 'twas one on 'em the varmint tuk
and about as round as a sugar kittle.”
In the party were folks that had killed turkeys on Hickory;
fought bruins on Bear Wallow; hunted deer around
Rock Ford; yet had we not fortunately encountered Bill
himself, near Fire-Skin's trace, and received directions a
little different, we should, indeed have found the sink holes
—but not the cave. That was in a sink by itself, half a mile
from the others, in size less than the least, and without
any shape whatever—a place none save a fox or a hunter
could ever have found!
But that place, by Bill's directions, was reached. And
now the nature of the next operation being better understood,
our exploring party became small if not select. Some
ten feet down, after scratching through briars and bushes,
we espied a rat hole, or to make the most of it, an opening
thirty inches long by eighteen wide; excepting where
sharp points of rock projected and made the aperture an
inch or two less. And this hole was the veritable door of
the cavern! This was manifest from the worn trace of some
kind of beasts; but mainly from Domore's report, who
crawled in backward, and in five minutes crawled out
head foremost, saying—“He backed in a rite smart chance,
yet arter a while he finded he could a kinder sorter stand
up—and then he kim out to sartify the kumpine.”
Immediately commenced a metaphorical backing out:
most of the ladies declared at once they never would crawl
into such a place! Some also refused out of cowardice;
and some were bound to refuse by tight corslets and other
bandages. Yet some half dozen, and among them Mrs.
Clarence and Mrs. Carlton, (who usually kept together,)
defying natural and conventional objections, said they would
follow the preacher, as he could exorcise foul spirits;[6]
and the other brave hunters with us. Some gentlemen
that wished to go in, had to remain with the recusant
ladies: and some hardy bucks, with rifles, preferred hunting
an hour or two “to crawlin on all fours under the airth like
darn'd brute critturs!” But this was “Possum”—these
latter feared to be cut out, and intended to stay above
ground and improve the time in sparking.
One affianced pair were so determined on the descent,
and so resisted all dehortations, that some of the hide-bound
were tempted to go along with us, under a suspicion that
the lovers, if they went into the cave two, would return
one: curiosity being nearly as strong as corsets!—but not
quite.
To all, however, it was strange poor Polly Logrul obstinately
refused to go down; although her sweatheart was
making ready to do so, and her rival, Peggy Ketchim, was
to be of the crawling party! And when all knew Polly was
neither nice nor timid; and would not hesitate to seize a
wolf natural by the ears! But, reader, I was in the secret:
—Polly was too large for the aperture! Hog[7]
and hominy
had enlarged her physics till poor Polly, who had hitherto
triumphed in her size, now wished herself a more etherial
sprite: for I accidentally saw her, when she supposed all
at a distance, standing near the cave door, and convincing
herself by a total blocking of the aperture by a part only
of her form, that Peggy Ketchim would have Jesse—ah!
in what unseen part of the underworld, that day, all to herself!
At length all was ready. Then we formed in Indian file,
faces outward and backs towards the entrance, and began
slowly to retrograde from the sun-light. Domore led the
rear; then came the braves; then backed in Professor
and then Principal Clarence, with wife ditto: and then—
“What then? How did the young ladies and gentlemen
come down?”
I could not see beyond Mr. Clarence. It was arranged,
however, that the ladies should come in a line in front of
Mrs. Clarence, and the young gentlemen bring up the van
—like going up and down stairs in monuments and steeples
to the east. Doubtless all backed in judiciously, as we
heard no complaints: although there was incessant laughter,
screeching, squealing, and the like; and an occasional
exclamation, as—“You, Joe!”—“Awh! now Sam, let me
be!”—“Go away—I don't want none o' your help!”—
“Take that now!”—which last was followed by a hard
slap on somebody's face, and instantly answered by—
“Darn it Peg! if you ain't a bustur!”
The entrance was the grand difficulty; for on squeezing
down a few yards, the rocks went down like irregular
steps, and our heads began gradually to rise, till by our
torches were seen the rocks above ascending in a similar
way: and in about fifty feet from the aperture we could
stand erect and look round on a vast cavern, widening in
every direction. Here the rear awaited the centre, and
then both, the van; and then all the torches being lighted,
we could see more distinctly this terra incognita.
Deep fissures were apparent in the rocks below, into
which one might have fallen in the dark; but we met no
accident, and continued now our advance to the Grand
Saloon, or as Bill had called it, “the biggerest cave whare
he couldn't see the top like.” On reaching the entry of
this room, we clambered down some rough projecting rocks;
and thence passing along two abreast for fifteen yards, we
all stood safe in the Saloon itself. Here nothing was remarkable
but the size. It was an apartment about eighty
feet long and from fifteen to forty wide, the height varying
could not discern any roof.
Near one end, however, was a rock not unlike a pulpit,[8]
about four feet high and ascended by natural steps and encircled
by a stony balustrade. The immediate consecration
was proposed to our lovers. The gentleman, a store-keeper
of Woodville, readily assented; but the mistress, a
pretty and interesting young lady, positively declared
“she was determined never to marry any where, but to die
an old maid”—sure sign of course, that “the day was
fixed;” for girls make no such silly and desperate speeches
till either mature years arrive or the marriage is secretly
arranged. When rallied on this point, she took the other
tack and said, “if she did marry, it should be above the
earth; for she didn't believe a marriage under it was legal;
and for her part, when she could find a fellow worth having,
she intended to adhere to him till death!”
“Well!”—said Peggy Ketchim,—`I'd jist as leef marry
the man I lov'd down here as not”—looking tender at
Jesse, Miss Logrul's beau. Jesse, however, would not
take, being yet vexed at the slap severely done to his face
on the crawl-way; but he very ungallantly replied:
“Well, darn it, if I wouldn't like the joke too, if Miss
Logrul had ony kim down—”
“Poll Logrul!”—(dixit Peggy)—“what's the use a her
tryin to go through life with a feller, whom she couldn't
squeeze into a cave.”
Here were plainly symptoms of a squall, which it was
expedient to overwhelm with a storm; hence I proposed
to try the effect of a unanimous and vigorous “hurraw!”
—and to ascertain if the party outside could hear our shouting.
This was agreed; and then at the signal we let it
out!—and oh! the uproar! inconceivable before, indescribable
now! And the effect so different from noises in the
adhesive to the rocks, took wing, and flying,
with no discretion, they dashed in panic against our very
faces and open mouths, and speedily extinguished more
than half our torches. Many ladies would have fainted,
and most would have screamed; but ours, knowing that
noise had brought the evil, remained quiet; and hence the
bats soon withdrew to their clinging, and our torches were
relighted; and—
“Hark!—what's that!?”
“What?”
“Listen!”
We did, and heard an indistinct and peculiar noise—
now like whining—now like growling—and then it seemed
a pit-pat sound like padded feet! and it then died away, and
we were left to our speculations.
“Huh! haw!—its them blasted fellers outside a trying to
sker the gals down here.”
“Who knows if it ain't Bill's fox?”
“'Spose it was Bill's wolf—hey?”
At this ingenious suggestion, the ladies all in unaffected
alarm, proposed an immediate retreat. Yet Domore and
Jesse and half a dozen other chaps, said “they did want
most powerful bad jist to see into the next room a little
down like, afore goin back;” and hence the ladies kindly
agreed to wait in the saloon, with a guard for their return.
The explorers, then, set off; and for a time were heard
their footsteps and merry voices, till all were hushed in the
distance; and we in silence remained striving to catch yet
some faint sound—when forth on a sudden came the burst
of terrific screams and outcries from the exploring party!
and that soon followed by the noise of feet coming back
quicker by far than they had gone away! And then into
the saloon jumped and tumbled the whole party, a few
Ba'r!!”
Our ladies, of course, added at first a scream; and there
was some involuntary adhering to husbands' and lovers'
arms; a little earnest entreaty to get out instantly; and
then a rushing towards the egress of the cave, and then a
rushing back, as darkness in that direction became visible,
and bats' wings flapped again into faces; yet in no long
time order was restored, and we listened to the following
account from Domore.
“Well! I tell you what naburs! if I warn't about as
most powerful near a treadin on a darn black varmint of a
ba'r, as most folks ever was I allow. You see, as we a
kind a kim to that tother long hole, says I to Jess, Jess
says I, you jist take this here light of mine here, and I'll
go fust a head and feel along till we git's to that 'are room
Bill tells on, whare he seed a crik a runnin across tother
end, says I. Well, so Jess he takes the light and we kim
to whare you a kinder sorter go down a leetle, and I was
je-e-st agoin so—(action)—to put down one leg this a way
so, a holdin on so—(clinging to the pulpit)—above like,
and I sees the rock b'low a most powerful black and dark,
and I thinks as maybe it mought be a deep hole;—and
with that says I to Jess, Jess says I, tote along that light a
yourn—and then I holds it down this a way—(using his
torch)—whare I was goin to step, and darn my leggins if
the hole didn't seem a movinin and a movinin, till all of a
quick up sprouted a ba'r's head! and his eyes a sort a starin
so—(imitating)—rite slam smack on mine! Well Jess he
seed him too, and the way he let out his squawk was a
screecher I tell you! And then all them tother fellers
what was ahind, darn em if they didn't squeel as if they
was skulp'd!—and put out and make tracks for this here
preachers' room! But you see, I've fit ba'r afore and I
know'd this one warnt agoin to fite—and I seed him a put-tin
rifles above ground, why you see if we wouldn't a cooked
ba'r meat down here to day thar's no snakes.”
“But Domore, suppose the bear had made battle?”
“Well—Mr. Carltin, 'spose he had—do you see this?”
—drawing from his jacket a very savage looking scalping
knife.
“Yes! yes!—Domore—and I would not have asked
you, if I had known you had your knife.”
“Well, you see, Mr. Carltin, I don't mean no 'fence—
but that a sorter shows you don't know all about the woods
yit—albeit you're a powerful feller with the rifle; a hunter
doesen't go into timber without his knife, and never no
how into sich like caves and holes as this here one.”
Fears had now abated; and the ladies professed great
confidence in my friend Domore's skill and bravery; still,
it was voted to retire immediately into the world, and our
line of retreat was as follows.
1. Nearly all the males, headed by Jesse, who, wishing
to show his spunk and retrieve the disgrace of his “screecher,”
led the van, now in front.
2. All the females.
3. The Faculty and Mr. Carlton.
4. And lastly, Domore as rear guard.
Without memorable accident our van in due time gained
the cave-door and crawled out head foremost; then, aided
by the upper party collected around at the unexpected
egress, they helped out the female incumbents; and then,
amid united congratulations and derisions, we, the last
division were ushered slowly once more into ordinary life.
“But where's Domore our rear guard?”
“Oh! I hear him, or something else, pushing out—he
makes powerful little head way tho'—maybe he's draggin
a ba'r—he's mighty fussy with something and very
onactive.”
By this time our whole party had come around the aperture
and were with great interest eyeing the spot to greet our
hero—when—could it be!—the hole was suddenly blocked
up!—
“Goodness! Mr. Carlton,—was it the bear?”
“Oh! no—no—no! dear reader, it was the full disk of
Domore's tow-linen posterior inexpressibles! For with
proper regard of self-defence, and yet with this peculiar
breach of etiquette, he was coming out of the aperture wrong
end foremost!
Aye-yah! you may hold up your fans, and so forth: but
fans themselves would have joined in the universal, uncontrollable,
ungenteel, and almost unendable laughter, that for
the first and the last and the only time since its creation,
startled and shook the grim old trees that day! Laughter
like that occurs only once in a life time! And this is said
deliberately, and to enable the judicious critics to remark—
“The author on page so and so is again guilty of something
like laughing at his own stories.”
“Well,”—said Domore, when, at long last, he made his
apology,—“well, I know'd it warnt the best manners to
back out like; and it warnt powerful easy ither; but you
see it a sort a couldn't be helped; for, says I to meself,
down thare, 'spose, says I, the darn'd b'ar, or some sich
ugly varmint, was to kim agin a feller, what would be the
use of kickin at 'im? And so I jist sticked my torch in a
hole, and drawed out my knife, and kim out as you see, and
ready to give it to any varmint what mought kim ahind
me.”
This was voted satisfactory; and Domore was cheered
as the lion of the New Purchase; showing, too, that the
race of the Putnams is not extinct.
Our pic-nicery was now ready; and we began to regale
ourselves with keen appetites, when a few drops of
water made us think some one was playing a prank; but
the pen of a ready writer, I might tell how quick the eatables
were deserted—knives, cups, plates, cloths, all stuffed
and crammed into saddle-bags—shawls pitched on, and off,
too—bonnets tied under chins—horses saddled—mounted
—and we away, away, over Rock Ford—up and down
Hickory Ridge—on Fire-Skin's trace—and once more
snug and spongy behind Bill's cabin.
Bill and his wife pressed us to stay all night,—a hunter's
heart being always bigger than his cabin,—but we all
refused except Domore: and he stayed, not to avoid the
rain, but to talk over the cave affair and the bear scrape.
We took a fresh start, and scampered on fast as ever to
escape now the coming darkness: and in process of time
reached Woodville, a sad reverse of the gay and dry party
of the morning! Yet how we looked none could tell, for it
was then a coal black night; but judging by our own plight,
when standing by the kitchen fire, our whole party must have
been a remarkably shivering and absorporific compound of
mud and water!
Upper class and aristocratic gowns, frocks, hats and
broad cloth and silk in general, had encountered melancholy
accidents; but none so serious as were met by two bran
new second rate Leghorns, ambitiously sported for the first
time to-day by two of our tip-top young ladies. These
big-buggeries were not only soaked and stained with water
and dirt of divers colors, but even torn by briars and
branches: and this utter ruin and loss retarded our civilization
a full year! it being all that time before the articles
were replaced, and none others presuming to lead our
fashions in this respect except the two pretty, but rather
vain Misses Ladybook.
| CHAPTER LIII. The new purchase, or, Seven and a half years in the far West | |