University of Virginia Library

FIFTH YEAR.

50. CHAPTER L.

London Alderman's Toast.

A GREAT quarrel between the Rev. C. Clarence and the
Commonwealth of Woodville, was in reference to the kind
of education fit for Hoosiers, Woolverines, and other true
democrats. Our man of learning contended for a liberal and
thorough discipline of the mind; while we insisted on a
practical education. He argued that no course of education
paid for by the government, ought to have exclusive
regard to any class, or to any one art, trade, or profession:
but that where the State furnished the means, the best intellectual
education should be given both to the poor and
the rich. Nay, he even affirmed that men ought not to be
trained as mere Americans, and much less as mere western
or eastern citizens; but as men of the world, as gentlemen,
as Christians.

About this time Mind, having been accommodated with
a pair of legs, and the said legs being fitted with seven
league boots, had marched our way, and was now marking
time very furiously in the Purchase. Indeed, we began to
be born in circumstances favourable to sucking in thought,
or something else, from maternal breasts: and by aid of

patent books and machinery, we now obtained as much
knowledge by the time we could carry a rifle, or tree a
raccoon, as our grandmothers had acquired in a long life!
And all this was real American, United States' learning!—
useful, practical stuff!—such as would enable a fellow to
get his own bread and butter; or in New Purchase terms,
his hog and hominy!

In the far east, it is true, circumstances demanded many
knowledges — chemistry, botany, anatomy, conchology,
bugology, insectology, phrenology, animal magnetism,—
any one of which science, or no science, could, in the improved
era, be mastered by hearing three lectures and
reading one pamphlet, and all of them in a few weeks; at
least, all that was practical and useful to gain money with:
for so nut-shelly had all books and subjects become, that
all could be even cracked and devoured in infant schools!
Yea! and any teacher could administer a rich and nutricious
literary pap, that made children bloat right up—and
till they perspired knowledges through their very pores!
And yea! again, till every body has been taught every
thing—and curiosity itself is satiated!—and the Mind
having had a long and wearisome march, and a toilsome
beating of time, has drawn off its boots and is laid down in
a deep and death-like repose! But in the Purchase, utility
required little beyond the learned alderman's R. R R.; except
a little “Jografree,” and “Surveyin” enough to run
lines around a quarter section: which were “naterally allowed
to be a sorter useful like.”

Nor was our inference to be blamed, if education be, as
it has been made for the last twenty-five years, and is to be
made for the next fifty, a thing of utility, latitudes and meridians;
for we New Purchase folks lived, not as folks at
Boston, or New-York; and did not, hence, need the same
kind of education. Nor cared we for other people's notions,
being content with our own. If the Great-North-American

United-States Theories and Systems are founded in true
philosophy, then the Rev. Charles Clarence, A.M. should
have come down from his stilts, and become popular and
useful, and have educated us as we wished, and not as we
ought to be. And many were the friends he would have
bought; ay, and he could have made some money too, had
he spoken in favour of Patent Picture Books that represented
truth and falsehood too, enigmatically; and had he
abused classical learning! Had he delivered Taylorian
twattle! or sent two boxes of dried bugs! or a chest of
flints! with a pair of globes, a double wooden cone, and
other toys to common schools! And had he not advocated
heathen establishments, where poor darling children read
about Jupiter, and Venus, and other he and she divinities,
instead of those noble, man-confiding, common schools,
which in some places so abhor all gods, as to acknowledge
none either by public prayer, or the reading of a Divine
Revelation!

Fortunate times! when a politician may acquire reputation
for all learning, and patriotism, and wisdom, and philanthropy,
by making a fourth-rate plagiarized speech before
some third-rate Lyceum in favour of Practical American
Education! Or by sending five and a half dollars worth of
pebbles and toy-machinery to the People's School to impart
the knowledges!

Alas! Clarence, little believed I once in your predictions!
We thought you an ill-boding crow! And yet
Classical Learning with all its generous, manly, and intellectual
cognates is in most places dead—in all dying! In
his last letter Clarence himself thus writes:—

— “I am now in an incorporated classical and
mathematical academy at the capital of a boastful little
State—a school where once numerous pupils were disciplined
in my favourite system, and in due time became
men. But “Othello's occupation's gone!” I have only

three pupils professedly studying even Latin! and that only
to understand law-terms! The rest are literally in the R.
R. R. and Jogerfree! Indeed, in a population of some
twelve thousand bodies, we can count but twelve souls as
classical scholars in any of the schools, public or private!
So much for utilitarianism. It pulls down; it never has,
it never can build up! It will hardly go to heaven if not
paid for it! Carlton! are we out of the woods? Has
that impudent far-famed Theory of Practical Education,
made us, as was promised, richer and happier and better?
Does it not seem, that Providence has permitted our losses
and distresses to show, among other matters, that where
education is debased into a system to sharpen men's wits
and appetites, and furnish instruments merely with which
to make money and spend it, that education is a curse?
After all, are there not very many illiterate fellows worth immense
estates, who can barely “read, rite, and sifer?”
and who are vastly richer than the best utilitarian school
system ever made any body? And as to mere knowledge
and knowledges, separate from mental discipline, are they
not productive of more evil than good, more sorrow than
pleasure? To educate men for making most money in the
shortest time, tends directly to content them with the shortest,
the cheapest, the most paltry education; and it is natural
all mere utilitarian schemes should degenerate into the
most pitiful and meagre systems. After all, an education in
mental discipline, in the good old way, is the best for practical
uses; and if a disciplined man fail in making money
or gaining worldly honours, he never can fail, if virtuous,
in possessing his intellectual superiority and its concomitant
joys; but my paper is out. Farewell.”[1]

Yes, Clarence, you were right and we wrong. Well do
I remember your lectures and conversations, in which you
insisted it was wrong to appeal so exclusively to the selfish
and political feelings and views, and thus coax men to
have schools. How you argued that whole communities,
if disappointed in immediate and profitable results, came
soon to ask “cuibono?” not only as to the classics, but even
as to the sacred R. R. R. themselves. For what was else
to be expected, when virtue itself was valued as it was
found useful; and honesty practiced and tolerated, because
the best policy?

Yes! yes! thy mantle is fallen upon me! the puerile
picture-book, the question and answer, the no-studying,
the cheap as dirt, and nearly as worthless systems, shall
all themselves come in due time to be neglected! Ay!
for a while, a time and a half a time, in some degrees and
minutes and seconds shall rage utility and selfishness; and
this lower world's honours and glories shall be sought and
not found for everybody and everybody's son in the lecture
system, and the common school system, and the lyceum
system; and then before the reformation shall the friend-to-man
and humbug-system, as well as the nobility-making
and the aristocratical teaching first receive nothing from
pupils, and then pay a premium for scholars! Amen.

Our prefessor, however, did persuade a few to lay the
proper foundation of mental discipline in the proper union
of classical and abstract mathematical studies. And so
well did he cause to appear the few thus persuaded, in contrast
to equals restricted elsewhere to the beggarly elements
of a good(?) English education; and so manifest
had it become, that the R. R. R. and other common and
even uncommon English branches could all be acquired,
while pupils were laying the proper foundation, that not
only were some of the Woodville common wealth induced to
try “the high and big-bug larnin,” but pupils for the same

purpose began to come from abroad. And these were
styled Foreign and Strange Students.

And then, dear reader, as moneys came in, you have
no idea how converts increased to the doctrine of College-utility!
for none could deny the utility! It was
tangible, visible, audible! With our own eyes we
saw Cash! handled it with our fingers! heard it jingle
with our ears! And all at once “high larning”
became as popular as common schools. It was equal to a
productive system, or grammar! It raised the wind! It
brought the rhino! Only show that a school, an academy,
a college, or, a church, will advance the value of town
lots—bring in more consumers—create a demand for beef,
cloth, pepper and salt, powder and shot; then, from the vulgar
plebeian dealing in shoe leather, up to the American nobleman
dealing in shops, and who retails butter and eggs, we
shall hear one spontaneous voice in favour!

But wo, Pedagogue, if all are not speedily benefited by
your school! Wo! if town lots rise not! if boots are
not worn with dandy heels! if every body that has one
spare room and two garrets, obtain not boarders! if cloth
sells not ever so many hundred per cent, above cost! if, in
short, you enrich not all your dear fellow-townsmen!—then
shall you hear the growlings of swine-like selfishness, and
be asked “what's the use of learning?” Then shall you
be complimented with many honorary titles, as “pitiful
schemer!”—“book worm!”—“idle rascal!” Or, all will
be summed in “darn'd Yankee!”—the most comprehensive
A.M. that can be bestowed in the Purchase, saving two
lower case “d. d.” a few years after this innocently given,
because he was “out of sorts,” by our college printer to
the worthy and reverend Constant Bloduplex, d. d.

The star of Clarence was, however, on the ascendant;
and he that had introduced “the d—n Yankee trick” of
exacting written excuses, was suddenly discovered to be
“a powerful and mighty clever feller!” And his “high

larn'd idees” had more good in them than one could have
conjectured! But when two gentlemen from a slave State
appeared in Woodville, at the opening of this summer's
session, and not merely with three boys as new scholars,
but with the avowed intentions of buying town lots and living
with us till the education of their sons should be completed;
and when these gentlemen were seen in broadcloth
coats with yellow buttons, and canton crape pantaloons,
walking round and examining sites for dwellings—
then was the college extolled to the very heavens! And
Clarence! what did he not become? If not a demi-god,
at least within a fourth of it—a veritable semi-demi-one, a
genuine terrestrial quarter-deus!

Poor fellow! he was a little inflated by the popular
breath; and mistaking the vox populi for the vox dei, he
said the college was safe! and that Providence had some
remarkably excellent things in view for the great valley of
the Mississippi in general, and for our portion of it in particular!
Ah! enthusiast! how you made us thrill with
your paintings of our future! How you thanked Heaven
for casting your lot among us! and dreamed of sumptuous
edifices for colleges! and libraries! and apparatus! and
crowded recitation rooms! You lost sight of your own
principles, and thought pyramids could be built on air!
Happily, my friend's day-dreaming was soon dispelled, or
he would have been ruined. As it was, he increased his
own library many fold. He bought Minoras, and Majoras,
and Homers, and Ciceros, and lexicons, and concordances,
and antiquities, and anthologies, and architectures—and
would have ordered the whole stock of the Carvils—as if
beastly selfishness in a community was the basis for a large
library, more than for a liberal, manly, gentlemanly, and
Christian education!

In these pleasing circumstances, our Principal relaxed
not the reins of wholesome discipline. And at this very

juncture, our Faculty had promulged a decree against something;
but on finding both public and private admonition
unavailing, they advertised that the next transgression
would be visited by a brief suspension. On the very next
day two pupils were seen by both masters, and in the very
act of disobedience; and of course Crabstick and Thorntree
were suspended for—twenty-four hours!

Many things create surprise in our mysterious world,
which are followed, some by contempt, others by indignation
and rage. A tom-cat exquisite leaps lightly on a toilette
before a glass, and for the first sees a rival waving a
taper tail, arching a velvet back, and purring with the most
provoking complacency—all where he had reigned alone!
His eye dilates with amazement! yet in a moment he intrudes
his nose behind the mirror and the antagonist cat
is vanished! And Tom ever after treats such semblances
with the coolest indifference.

Not so Haw-Buck, who came into town to see the battle
of Bunker Hill. His surprise was followed with indignation
at the reckless chaps that handled fire-arms so carelessly.
“Why darn 'em,” as he took off his ram-beaver
and saw a hole in its cylinder, “why darn 'em! if they
hain't a firin bullits!”

The surprise of Woodville, in its consequences, was analogous,
not to that of pussy, but of Haw-Buck. The pupils
generally heard the sentence with a look that said—
“we allow the masters don't know what they are doing!”
—while Crabstick and Thorntree left the room in manifest
indignation! And then, in a few hours, the fama clamosa
was conveyed to every man, woman and child in all Woodville;
and in a few more, to every one in our whole settlement!

At first, our community was dumb! Yard-sticks were
arrested in admeasurements! Needles stood with thread
in the eye! Wax-ends stuck in awl-holes! Planes, hammers,

axes, saws, and other industrious implements ceased
operating! And our folks hurried forth to unite wonders!
Every store became crowded; and every bar-room and
doggery! Knots of wise persons gathered at every corner;
and all places were full of winks, shrugs, elevated
eyebrows, puckered mouths, and quivering noses!

It was soon rumoured that Thorntree, a foreign student,
had hired a horse from Liebug, and in an uncontrollable
fit of dudgeons gone home to his father, Major Thorntree.
And then, if our regulators had, like the ass in one of his
phases, been dumb, they now imitated him in another; for
no unanimous braying of a herd of donkeys could equal the
hideous outcries of my townsmen!

My store was always a head quarters, for I was a leading
trustee; beside we were liberal in the nut and apple
line; and also gave, often, third-rate raisins to women and
children, and fragments of lead, or a second rate flint to a
chap. But above all “Carltin was the feller to play the
flute and the fiddle, and his ole woman, the body what could
rattle the pianny!” For some days, our store was now
jammed with representatives extra from all the arts, trades
and professions; yes, and ages and sexes; and I was worn
down with talking and hearing, but without selling a dollar's
worth. I took some revenge, indeed, by giving away
no goodies, and hinting to some of the most violent and
abusive a settlement of accounts.

SPECIMENS OF TALK.

“I say, Mr. Carltin, ain't you goin to put the fellers
out?”

“Put out! why?”

“Why!—why it's plain enuf they've gone on like 'ristecrats—and
won't it take away a poor man's livin?”

“Just the other way, if all was understood —”

“Didn't Thorntree get boots of me?”

“Yes—and cakes and candy at our shop?”

“And what's more to the pint, Carltin, won't the Major
go agin us next legislatur?”

“Well—arter all, what did the studints do? only break a
d—d Yankee reg'lashin for five minits or so?”

“Yes—and the master down our settlemint says he never
heern tell of sich a rule; and he's sentimentally of opinion
it's a robbin a boy of his money by keepin him out a school
for nothun no how —”

“I tell you what, I heern Bob say he expects Squire
Brompton is goin agin 'em—Clarinse and all —”

“That's my sentiments, 'cos Major Thorntree —”

“No—that's not the why; but Bob thinks the Squire
won't sell his lots to them what's to be new comers —”

“Have the gentlemen given up the bargain?”

“Well, I don't know as they has; but Bob says he expects
the Squire will think so —”

“What's Sylvan say, Carltin?”

“I have not heard him say any thing.”

“You ain't! well, Jake says ole man Hazel told his son's
wife, that the doctor tell him the Fakilty had been too
quick —”

“I do not believe it; for the Faculty acted with the utmost
deliberation, and —”

“Yes—you always stick to thar side; but darn my leggins,
if I ain't powerful glad they did something to turn
them out.”

“Why?”

“Bekase they're sectarians and rats; and its high time
the rest on us had a chance. `Rotashin in offus,' as old
Hickery Face says—`rotashin for ever!”'

“Pick my flint! if I didn't always say they'd do some
high-hand something some day, as soon as Clarinse made
Polly's step-son bring excusis on paper in hand-rite!”

“Joe Patchin, is Crabstick and Thorntree goin to come
back—did you a sort a hear?”

“Crabstick is, maybe—but not tother.”

“Why?”

“'Cos he said to Liebug when he hired his hoss, says
he, `I hope I may be rowed up Salt River if ever I cum
back agin to school any more, if the trustees don't turn out
Clarinse and Harwood!”'

“And so, Mr. Carltin your Board's a goin to meet!”

“Yes, the Major is here with his son, and they insist on
a meeting to see who is to blame —”

“Bust my rifle! we'll dog out the rats now!”

“Yes, Ned, but if the Faculty have done right —”

“Carltin!—you're a honest sort a feller—but bust my
rifle! if I ever run up a 'count agin in your 'are store, if
you vote for the fakilty-fellers.”

“Ned!—I'm sorry you would bribe me to do wrong;
but, Ned, a man's bribe is not very powerful, as long as his
old account is not paid —”

“You needn't a be a hintin round that a way, Carltin.—
I'll pay you now, if you'll take all trade—and bust my rifle!
if I'll ever buy a pound a lead in this 'ere store agin, no
how!”

Such are selections from our many long, boisterous, and
angry dialogues. But pass we to the next chapter, which
narrates the meeting of our Board.

51. CHAPTER LI.

Major Thorntree having come a wearisome journey,
from a love of justice and to promote the welfare of Woodville,—(and
so he always insisted)—our Board could but
consent to a meeting; especially when the Major expressed
his fears that certain statesmen[2] might unhappily influence
the next Legislature to remove the College, unless the
Faculty were better watched and governed. Beside, from
the report of his son, who was a very honest boy and never
said anything to a person's prejudice, and from what had
been stated to himself since his arrival, by some worthy
citizens of Woodville, the Major really believed,—(so he
said)—that there had been gross mismanagement in general
by the Faculty, and much shameless partiality, and at the
expense of his son particularly. He thought, too, his son's
punishment was for a very trivial offence, and had been
rash, and perhaps, malicious; at all events, it was excesive
and arbitrary, aristocratic and unconstitutional; hence, such
things must be crushed and resisted now, or there would
be a speedy union of church and state.

We, therefore, met. And, first, were canvassed and rejected
many propositions suggested to us by different ones
of our numerous lobby-members. Among these proposals
were some remarkable for boldness, simplicity and ingenuity;
such as “turn 'em rite out!”—“send 'em packin!”
—“pay 'em and have done with 'em!—“don't pay 'em no
how!”—“sue for damejis!” But it was finally determined
by our honourable visitor, the Major, that we should summon
the Faculty and hear their defence! Nay—he was
even willing to have a trial; as he said witnesses were in
attendance from the citizens, and he thought it proper also
to call on all the students for their opinion and testimony!

This was adopted, Mr. Carlton crying out in the negative;
and so, likewise, would have done Dr. Sylvan; but
unfortunately just at the time of our meeting, the Doctor
was forced to go and mix medicines and then to visit a
patient in a remote part of the county!

About the same time, Charles Clarence was employed
in castle building; or what was the same sort of architecture
in the Purchase—in College building; being seated
on “a cloud capt tower” of sublime and solemn view!
But awaked by the braying discord of Woodville, he started
from his dream! and spite of all past experience he was
momentarily amazed! He had caught a new glimpse of a
many headed-monster! and its enormous tail! He became
sick at heart; and the warm blood of generous self-devotion
in his heart congealed! He seemed in a vacuum—
as if all the air was blowing from around him! Yet, soon
he recalled important truths, such as—“cease from man,
whose breath is in his nostrils!”—“put not your trust in
princes!”

And when the first bitterness of the soul was past, he
remembered his Divine Master; who did good to the wicked
and thankless! yea, to enemies! And he thought the
very folly and ignorance and malice and idleness of a community,

were the very things Christ's servants must strive
to enlighten, remove, correct, instruct! Ashamed then of
his momentary alarm, he recalled the noble saying of an
ancient statesman and warrior, who builded a wall in troublesome
times; and he resolved to imitate, and like him
said,—“What! shall such a man as I flee!”

Meanwhile, rumour had been tramping about with her
crescit eundô; and, long before the Faculty received our
Scytala, they had heard her cry—“The Board has told
Major Thorntree, the Faculty shall be tried and turned
right out, and shall be sued for damages done the school
and the State, and—Woodville, by their unconstitutional,
high-hand, big-buggish, aristocratic yankee notions!!”

The accused had nearly a mile to walk to the place of
execution; and along the path were strewed the sovereign
people to see “the fellers go along to git it!” Yet instead
of beholding “two fellers” sneaking along, like office-holders
trembling about their bread and butter, they saw
two gentlemen proceeding with a slow and somewhat
studied gait, with heads erect, countenances serene, and
not rarely illuminated with smiles of mingled pity and contempt,
benevolence and indignation! Sneers, therefore,
ready to curl on noses, and looks of vulgar triumph, with
which οι Πολλοι intended to greet their victims, were changed
into remarks and looks of vexed admiration; for barbarians
of all kinds pay involuntary honour to calm and fearless
conduct in those destined to the torture. Indeed, the
crowd to-day, was at a loss to say, whether the Faculty
were going up town to be tried; or as lords and judges to
give and interpret the laws.

On entering the court our gentlemen bowed, and then
took stations where such could be found; for all the stools,
backless chairs, and even bedsides of Dr. Sylvan's room,
where we had convened, were filled; and like all ultra
fashionables at a jam, some of us stood, till politeness, ne

cessity, or whim in those seated and reclined, gave others
a temporary seat.

A dead calm ensued; we, of course, not knowing how
to proceed with our prisoners, as we were in the predicament
of the Pro-consul, who felt the awkwardness of sending
a state prisoner to Cæsar and without any good accusation.
But Mr. Clarence himself kindly relieved our embarrassment
by breaking the ice thus:—

“Gentlemen[3] —We are here, though not as delinquents.
We come, however, not merely willing, but even desirous
that our whole official conduct may be subjected to the
most rigorous and minute investigation. We are confident,
if popular clamour be disregarded, and improper interference
be disallowed, we are confident we can make the
College; and, if it must be a reason for the aid or silence
of some, we can make the town. We are ready then, to
give ample and minute explanations to the Board; or answer
any question of any of its members about our plans,
rules, maxims—in short-our whole discipline; and are
sure that the more —”

Here the Major and without rising broke in—“this is all
very fair, Mr Clarence, but the Board—(the Major was no
member)—think you have been hasty and partial; and I
myself, think, as my son has been unjustly used, you ought
to give some satisfaction —”

“I question, your right, Major Thorntree,” rejoined
Clarence, to speak thus in the Board; but we waive our
objection; and if it will satisfy you or the Board, we submit
to what you may be pleased to call and consider a
trial.”

“Well, sir, will you allow the students to appear as
witnesses?”

“Willingly even—that! And yet I know not that such
a request ought to surprise us more than all the proceedings.
Yes, call in all the students—let them say what is true—
we invite the truth.”

Some one here asked if the boys should take an oath!!

“No, sir! no, sir! no!”—said Clarence—“by no means
—every consideration is against it! No! let them speak
on honour what they know or even believe to be truth!
And beside, we pledge our honour that we will never remember
to their prejudice whatever disparaging things may
be said by them as witnesses.”

A whisper of approbation began to buzz around our lobbies;
which sussurration reaching the People without, was
answered by a gentle “hurrah! for the Fakilty!” At
this the Major was a leetle disconcerted. But as he had
a little modesty that was natural. He, then, remarked:—

“You seem in good spirits, gentlemen,”—(Clarence and
Harwood,)—“yet if I am allowed to bring in all the testimony,
your confidence may be weaker. But how shall
the boys give their testimony, sir?”

“I will tell you, sir,” replied Clarence: “place a chair
there:—now call in every boy, without exception, and in
any order deemed satisfactory—do not omit even the two
suspended boys. Then, let the boy in the chair for the
time, first tell an uninterrupted story; then let the Major,
or any member of the Board, ask any questions, leading or
otherwise, that he may wish; and then let Professor Harwood
and myself have the same privilege, and —”

“That's fair! if it ain't, bust my rifle!”—was heard
from without, manifesting a change in favour of the right.
And that, as was always the case, had a corresponding
effect on matters within. Hence I ventured now on no
injudicious interference. The Major, too, was evidently
awed by this voice of his masters: and, perhaps, certain
of our young folks were thus aided in speaking the truth,

or at least not suppressing it. Whether Clarence designed
to be so politic is not for me to say;—but we lived in a log-rolling
country—and even the best of men will manage in
emergencies. Indeed, our Board and its Major, only
wanted the vox populi: and Clarence only contrived to
make their god speak—ass though it often be.

The students, introduced one by one into the chair,
(with a few exceptions,) gave a united testimony in favour
of the Faculty: and even young Crabstick said nothing
against them, save that, they ought not to have suspended
him—and yet, as it was over, he said, he intended to return
to school! The other sprout, Thorntree, refused to appear.

The Major, thus far disappointed, now proposed to call
in the citizens as witness, as “wrong had been done by
the Faculty! but that boys stood naturally in awe of their
teachers!! and, therefore, they did not like to tell all they
knew!!!”

Clarence then remarked:—“Had not our amazement all
been used up, gentlemen, we should certainly be aghast at
this!—but, be it so—let our fellow-citizens all come in;
and without an oath! We know ten thousand idle rumours
are afloat:—but, if every honest man will honourably and
fearlessly, like a backwoodsman, state exactly, and neither
more nor less than what he himself personally has seen,
heard, and knows about Mr. Harwood and myself, in all
our dealings and intercourse with them as citizens, as men,
as teachers, as Christians—I say, call them in—call them
in—we are ready —”

(Outside.)

“Pick my flint—if I know any thing agin the fakiltymen
arter all —”

“Nor me nuther—bust my rifle if I do!”

“Well—all I know, I heern Patchin's ole-womun a-say-in'
she heerd say they was powerful ristocratty —”

“I'm sentimentally of opinyin, Ned, thare ain't no use

a-goin' in, if a feller doesn't know nothun of himself.”

“Bust my rifle, if we're quite sich fools!”

“Agreed—them's my sentiments!”

“Me too!”

This thunder on the proper side from the politicians'
god, was operating to the immediate and honourable discharge
of our prisoners; and, perhaps, with an apology for
the trouble caused them; when the Major announced one
citizen as ready to state on his own knowledge, things adverse
to the Faculty.

“Who is it, sir?” demanded Clarence.

“Mendax Liebug.”

“Mr. Liebug! and does Major Thorntree ask this
honourable Board to believe without an oath, a person not
admissible in yonder court-house as a witness even with
an oath? No Atheist shall ever testify semi-judicially
either for or against me: and I trust, gentlemen, this will
not be permitted—but, if otherwise, be the consequences
what they may, the instant Mr. Liebug enters that door as
a witness, I take my departure out of this.”

Several members of the Board expressed approbation
of Clarence's sentiments: and the people, led by the
Hoosier that swore by his rifle, all allowed “it would be
most powerful onfair to ask folks to believe any body without
swearin', who couldn't take a legal affidavy.” And
Mr. Mendax Liebug was not admitted.

As a last attempt to demolish the Faculty, the Major
said he would rest the whole on one question and answer,
if Mr. Clarence was willing.

“I am willing, sir,”—said Clarence,—“proceed.”

The people crowded to hear, won by our Principal's
candour and readiness—two things all potent with genuine
woodsmen:—and then the Major, with a triumphant flourish,
went on:—

“Mr. Clarence, you are a preacher; and the Bible

directs us to do to others as we would be done by:—well,
sir, recall your boyish days, and put yourself in my son's
place; and, how would you have acted, in view of what
you deemed small laws, and how would you have regarded
a Faculty, that had acted as you have just acted towards
my son?”

“Why, sir,” said Clarence, in reply, “I should have
acted just as thoughtlessly as your son has acted, and as
most young men every where occasionally act:—I should,
then, probably have broken the laws and abused a Faculty;
and, of course, merited and received what your son merited
and received—discipline. Thus I thought and should
have done when `a child;' but having become a man, I
have put away childish things, and have dealt with your
son now, as men ought to have dealt with me then.”

“Hah! haw!—perttee powerful smart feller! if that
ain't a fair answer, bust my rifle! Come, boys, let's be
off—I allow Clarinse and t'other fakilty-man kin manudge
collige better nor us. Who's goin' squirrillin'--no use
wastin' time here no longer no how!”

And so away went the people; and away went the
Trustees; and away went the Faculty. But the Major
and they first shook hands, in sign of forgiveness and amity:
yet young Thorntree was not sent back to school, and the
Major was ever more suspected as an enemy, than loved
as a friend.

The next day, honest Rifle-bust walked into my store,
and began as follows:—

“Well—bust my rifle, Carltin, if I wa'rn't most teetotally
and sentimentally wrong 'bout that fakilty thing.
Here, I've brung a dozen squirl for your ole-woman—and
I want the worth on 'em in lead. I'll not settle our whole
'count now—but next week I'll get that hoss-beast for you,
and in sang time I'll likkefy all —”

“Oh! no odds, Ned! I didn't fear an honest man:—

only use your own eyes and ears, and you'll do people
justice—here's your lead. Now just step in and see Mrs.
Carlton, and she'll play you a tune.”

Accordingly, in went Ned; and directly up struck the
piano—not with any of your new-fangled fandangos, but
with those primitive movements—“Polly put the Kettle
on”—and—“Go to the D— and shake yourself,” and
so forth: and soon could be plainly heard Ned kicking to
pieces my rag carpet, in what he called a dance; and
then Mrs. Carlton's merry laugh, as Ned gave a vernacular
version of “the rumpus 'tween Clarinse and the Major
and t'other fakilty-man,” and ended with his “sentimentul
opinyin that the Majur was most teetotally discumflisticutted,
and near about as good as chaw'd up.”

Our Board, after this disturbance, met and enacted a
code of laws for the guidance of the Faculty, and ordained,
among other matters, that for a first offence, should be
private admonition: for the second, public admonition;
and for the third, suspension! This beautiful gradation
had been mentioned in some venerable old woman's Prize
Essay on Education; and was supposed to embody the
quintescence of all experience in the art of government.
It was not, indeed, stated whether the same offence was to
be committed three times; or three different offences; or
if the same must be done by three different pupils in succession,
or by one three times, to secure the benefits of
suspension. Nor was any thing said about the age, the
understanding, the knowledge, the temptations, the aggravations
of an offender and offence. And no notice was
taken of looks, words, gestures, &c. &c.—any or all of
which often accompany one offence, and make it equal to
three—ay, to three times three!

Hence our skilful application of patent gum and gammon
for the teaching of teachers, wrought as the Faculty predicted—two
offences of the same kind were repeatedly committed

by the boys collectively and individually, and private
and public admonitions were as plenty as beach-nuts;
while the ingenuous youth instead of doing an old sin once
more, did a new one twice! Indeed, nothing was more
sport than to get admonition No. 2; for the “fellows” had
come to see plain enough that the Faculty were not really
masters unless the pupils should be silly enough to give
them that advantage.

In this state of affairs, a relative of Liebug's entered the
school and purposely committed offence No. 1. Now No. 1
had been twice committed by other boys, and had been duly
rebuked—and so No. 1 was decided by the Faculty in this
case, owing to the great effrontery of young Brass, to be
really No. 3. And, therefore, Mr. Brass, jun. was promptly
suspended for one week.

Immediately Mr. Brass, sen. determined to have a
meeting of our Board. But we, now convinced that the old
woman's or the impertinent Mr. Boston's patent-twaddlerules,
could not be made to measure into all the sinuosities
and around all the angles of behaviour in merry and cunning
lads; and that after all, well qualified teachers were as
competent to judge of things as pert writers or Taylorian
lecturers, or persons that have conducted infant-schools,
or short-hand schools, or steam schools of ever so many
horse power—we now refused to be called. Whereupon
Mr. Brass, sen. in order to spite the rats, went and established
a Sunday-school in his own house, and taught there
gratuitously male and female Owenism! And not satisfied
with this revenge, he once, in my store, tried to overcome
professor Harwood in an argument on the truth of
the Christian religion; but in this attempt he was utterly
discomfited, and to the amusement of the auditors seated
on my counters. Wherefore, Mr. Brass, sen., advanced
to where Mr. Harwood reclined, and calling up the late
suspension of young Brass, he said he had now “a powerful
d— mind to thrash him for it.”

This was quite a favourite mode of arguing in the Purchase
and required much bodily strength and agility. How
learned men of slender bodies, pale faces, small hands and
green spectacles would have felt, in prospect of rencontre
with such a bear, is doubtful; but our professor,
although dressed in store cloth and rather dandy-looking,
betrayed no emotion, and never altered his half-recumbent
attitude. Yet plain was it, from the flash of his grey eyes,
and the hard compression of his lips, he was ready to ward
off his antagonist—perhaps, even to spring on the threatening
brute. This Bruin Brass perceived; and when Mr.
H. cooly replied “very well, sir; try it—but maybe you'll
find your mistake in that argument, as quick as you did in
the other,”—he affected to laugh the whole off as a joke!
And happy! if he valued sound bones; for my friend
Harwood was a fine square built muscular young Kentuckian,
from early life used to every feat of strength and
agility, and able now to lift a barrel of flour in his unaided
arms, and carry it before him and without trip or pause
full fifty honest yards!

Even the Spiritual Church may put defensive and carnal
weapons into her children's hands to keep at a distance
the sanctimonious assassins and murderous snivellers of a
canting and unholy apostacy; and so cases do arise, where
scholars may and ought to repel club logic with knockdown
argument. Yea and nay, an atheistic bear when
about to use violence must be, if possible, resisted with
physics, even as the veritable shaggy-coat himself; metaphysics,
here, may come afterwards.

My friend Harwood had conducted the debate as a
Christian and a gentleman; and the double rebuke given
the atheist, while it had no tendency to change his heart,
quelled his beastly spirit and controlled its ferocity; and
ever after our Faculty were free from all fear of Mr. Brass,
sen., and all trouble from Mr. Brass, jun.

52. CHAPTER LII.

A general truce and cessation of arms had taken place,
and our Faculty began to drill the quiescent pupils for a
grand exhibition to come off this fall.

This was to be, as is everywhere usual, of speeches,
debates and compositions. Amendments may be necessary;
but all experience and reason itself favour generous
emulation and honest rivalry in schools; and nothing better
prepares for the stormy conflicts of life than the literary
sham fights of college societies. It is preposterous to
train children for a world of romance, or for a state possible,
IF all were good. Beside, manly competition is intrinsically
right; and is promotive of many virtues—and
all ought early to be inured to arduous and noble contests
for masteries. The opposite doctrine is hateful for its puling
effeminacy; and at war with our nature (as God made
it,) and with the Scriptures. Thus thought our Faculty;
and so they acted—although evils incident to their course,
as to all other excellences in this life, were not wanting.

In due time then, came the week of examinations and
exhibition; and all was turned into bustle and merriment
in fitting our Court-house for the great occasion!

How joyous such times to boys—ay to men who retain
the fresh and healthy feelings of boyhood! But to our
half-reclaimed young savages—oh! it was a time of exu

berant joy in all its phases of fun, frolic, raillery, joke, and
expectation!

And soon all Woodville caught the infection; and all
were desirous of sharing the work and speculating on its
progress. As for Carlton, he could not “tend store;”
and so leaving his boys to sell what they could, and devour
the remnant of the raisins and candy, away went our dignified
author, and soon contrived to be elected by the boys
Grand Master of Ceremonies in general, and Stage Fixings
in particular! Then what a hauling of boards, and planks!
What a streaming over to the Court-house of rag-carpets,
and calico window curtains! Oh! the clatter of candlesticks!—the
pitching of these and other articles on pounds
of tallow candles done up in brown paper and tow strings!
Gemini! the thundering of plank a-throwing down from
two boys' shoulders, or a-upsetting from a cart! Cancer!
the whacking! the pounding and nailing! the sawing and
hammering and jerking! the talking! laughing! screeching!
tearing! stamping! quizzing! It was a glorious
chaos!

Soon, however, from confusion, came order; and in less
than two whole days, all was ready! a short time considering;
for though we were thirty persons, only half worked,
the rest being occupied in making the fun and hindering.

The work was, first, the stage. This was erected between
the doors of entrance into the court-room and opposite
the forum or judges' seat—that honourable place being
transformed into an orchestra, our music being to be three
fiddles and one triangle. The stage-floor was spread with
rag-carpets, and the boxing of the stairs ascending each
from a door to the second story[4] was adorned with calico
curtains tastefully festooned—the special performance of
some young ladies just returned from being finished in a

boarding school of the far East! Front of the stage, in a
row were candles in appropriate stands; the tallest candles
at the ends, and the shortest in the centre, thus presenting
a graceful curve of light! And all the stands were decorated
with fancy papers curled and cut and frissled most
fantastically;—the work of Miss Emily Glenville's boarding-school
misses!

Under the calico festooning stood Windsor chairs for the
Faculty and the two rival societies! And near Professor
Harwood's seat, was a cow-bell of a very soft and mournful
voice, whose use was to ring out signals for the fiddles
and the triangle—not a classic signal truly, yet one to
which our musicians were accustomed, and not wholly at
variance with the harmonies produced. Indeed, even to
our own cultivated ears never came sounds so delicious as
those of a cow-bell, which once ravished me with its sudden
tinkle when lost in the woods! Hence as associations
like utilities render things pleasant, our cow-bell signal
was not unacceptable to our woodsmen. It was, also, a
peculiar link connecting rough and softened life; and it
forcibly reminded us of the milk of human kindness!

Our seats. These were of doubled planks, resting on
joist, logs, benches, or other planks placed edgeways. Of
these, not one cracked, split, or tumbled over during the
exhibition: hence, considering their loads and the stamping
they endured in the applauses,—and every thing was
applauded,—we have proof that our work was well done,
if not expeditiously.

On the evening preceding the exhibition, the Rev. Principal
Clarence entered my store to obtain a pair of pumps,
wishing to tread the stage in elastic style; and nothing so
conduces to this ease and grace as a handsome stocking
and a becoming shoe. Yet, in vain, was every drawer,
trunk, or box containing either shoe or shoe-leather rummaged
and re-rummaged, no pump turned up: and the gentleman

was about to withdraw and make up his mind to
walk the boards in a shapeless two-soled pair of calf-skin
boots. But just then I had mechanically opened a drawer
of female shoes; when some very large and coarse moroccos
appeared, with straps to be joined by a steel buckle, and
Clarence exclaimed:—

“Stop! Carlton, the very thing!”

“Where?”

“Why, those machines of the softer sex.”

“Ha! ha! he!—what! wear a woman's shoe?”

“Certainly—if I can find any small enough—”

“Buckle and all?”

“Oh! no: my wife will razee the straps, and then the
affairs will look masculine enough; and we can tie them
with ribbon, pump-fashion.”

“That will answer, I do believe: sit down and try.”

A pair was selected, yet perversely bent on spreading
sideways, when pressed with the foot; but that tendency,
it was hoped, would be corrected by the new mode of tieing:
and hence the man of learning departed with his
bargain. That night the shoes were cropped; and the
Principal, by way of rehearsal, was walking in them in his
parlour, when in came several senior pupils to make some
inquiry about the exhibition. In a moment the transmuted
articles caught their eyes, and so captivated their fancy
that they must ask whence were procured shoes so light
and tasteful? On learning, and being taught how the sex
could be so readily changed, off set they for my store:
and the consequence was, that soon all the students came
for morocco non-descripts, and we sold during the next
day about thirty pairs! Hence I became a more decided
friend of the college than ever. Yes, academies are useful!
I cleared by this one speculation just thirty dollars! True,
I lost about five dollars by not charging the usual New
Purchase per centage: but then we must sacrifice something

for the advancement of learning, and virtue is not
always profitable!

The grand evening came at last: and long ere candle
light, our young gentlemen—(gentlemen, surely, when about
to speak in ladies' shoes)—could be seen running into and
out of and around the court-house, busy as bees, and with
sundry bundles and packages. For, rain being threatened,
it had been concluded to dress and put on the fine shoes
up stairs, one society occupying the jury room, the other
the council chamber.

Finally, the signal for assembling was given by the school
bell, half a mile distant, and by a tin horn in the centre of
Woodville, being the sacred trumpet lately blown to convoke
us to the exhibitions at the camp-meeting: and then
in rushed all Woodville to fill the vacant seats. But strange!
the vacant seats had been filled an hour before; enough
girls and young ladies having been smuggled in by the
gallant students and a few Woodville bucks. And among
the number there sat the ladies of the Professors' families
—and all the girls of Miss Glenville's establishment—and
that important personage herself—and Mrs. Carlton—and
even Aunt Kitty Littleton herself, done up in a bran new
crimped cap and pink ribbon!

As to Mr. Carlton, in consideration of his superintendance
and his musical penchant, he was honoured with a
windsor chair in the orchestra, and adjacent to the fiddles
and triangles! Indeed, Dan Scrape had invited Mr. C. to
play: although the honour had been declined, first, because
J. Glenville, who had borrowed our flute and fiddle, had
come over to the exhibition and forgotten to bring back the
instruments!—(sub rosa, he left them behind purposely)—
secondly, Mr. C. could not play any instruments but his
own; and thirdly, Mr. C. was afraid, as he had never practiced
with Dan, that he could not “keep up,” and so on. When
we and the fiddles and triangles entered a little late and

through a back window, behold! a dozen of the “rabble”
were crowded into our sacred enclosure!—(Notice here,
in public places all that cannot get into seats are rabble.)
However, after I had squeezed into my windsor chair, along
side the leading fiddle, Dan whispered for my consolation,
and with a smile and a wink—“Never-a mind, Mister
Carltin, we'll fix it afore long.”

As if by magic, at a private signal, forth blazed the
candles in front of the stage; and some two dozen others
stuck to the walls by double pronged forks: and then to us
was displayed the whole audience, and to them the stage
and its fixins. In some points this audience was similar to
others; but it contained more gems in unpolished and dull
caskets than some eastern congregations. Hoosiers, Woolverines,
Buckeyes, and the like, were present, and of the
most unbrushed, unpomatumed, unadulterated sorts—purer
than are there now: for, like the red aborigines, the white
and brown sorts are fast disappearing! Poor fellows! that
very night they witnessed the entrance of what would become
their ruin!

Unused to the glory of polished candlesticks, and cut and
frizzled papers, all eyes momentarily gazed upon the stage
in silent wonder! In the next instant, and with one consent,
burst such a hurrah, as cracked the ears of the groundlings—yea!
shook the glass in the windows! It did seem
the very walls would be split! Nor was it a mere hurrah;
for many an Indian fighter was present that night; and these
sent out such yells and war cries as made one instinctively
clap his hand to his head to ascertain if the scalp
was safe!

Following the uproar came the modest buzz of individual
wonderments and critiques, such as:—“Look at that yallur
one, Joe!”—“Most powerful shiney them are!”—“Ain't
them are red things rity-dity poseys?—“Law! no Dick,
them's paper fixins!”—“Well, I never?”—“I say, Jake,

ain't them danglins up there like Carltin's ole woman's
curtins!”—“Pick my flint!”—“Darn my leggins—its powerful
big-buggy!”—“How'd them lite so quick?”—“Dipt
in tarpentine—don't you smell it?” But in the midst appeared
descending, the rival societies, each by separate
stairs: each headed by a Professor; and entering simultaneously
each at oppposite parts of the stage! And when
all were seated, the Faculty in the centre, and the students
right and left, the smallest next and the largest at the extremities;
all in new suits of store cloth, and with appropriate
badges gracefully inserted through button holes, and
waving triumphantly from their arms also; all in starched
collars and black neck ribbons; and all in female slippers,
and so altered as to pass for males—the yells of greeting
were absolutely terrific!

Professor Harwood was now seen shaking the cow bell:
but though its mellow tinkle was inaudible, the fiddles and
triangles, seeing the pendulum motion, knew what was
needed: and hence they essayed to strike up Hail Columbia!
Still nothing of a tune could be heard; although
from the bewildering activity of bows and elbows, it was
manifest something nice was doing; till by dint of sight in
some, and bawlings out of “Silence!” by others, the audience
in the pit became quiescent. In the interm, we of the
orchestra began to have more room: for most of the rabble
near the fiddlers, especially near Dan, the Primo, had got
hints to make room, in the form of hits, some in the stomach,
some in the face and eyes, and some under the lugs—all of
course naturally required by the laws of motion and melody!
Indeed, it was plain enough that there was more
danger in standing so near good fiddlers than folks had ever
imagined! And, therefore, our uninvited soon compressed
into one corner; and from a sincere wish not to incommode
the music! And thus, by the kindness of Dan, whose
wink and smile were now understood and his mode of

“fixin it,” I enjoyed my windsor chair in ampler space; at
least while tunes were executed.

For this kindness, and because our executioners were so
essential to the exhibition, we shall hand them down in history—they
shall be immortalized!

Dan Scrape, the fiddle primo, was by far the prince of
the New Purchase catgut and horsehair men. Like Paganini,
he could play on one string, if not an entire tune, yet
parts of nearly two dozen tunes—his whole stock! And
like that maestro, he played without notes, and with endless
variations and embellishments! Ay! and he played no
worse on one shift or position than another! Still, Dan
differed from the Italian in some things; for instance, he
held his fiddle against his breast, (perhaps out of affection,)
and his bow in the middle, and like a cart-whip;
things enabling him, however, the more effectually to flog
his instrument when rebellious; and the afflicted creature
would scream right out in agony! Indeed his Scremonah
bore marks of premature old age—its finger-board being indented
with little pits, and its stomach, (vulgarly, in the East,
the belly,) was frightfully incrusted with rosin and other
gummy things, till it looked as dark and care-worn as Methusaleh!
Dan was, truly, no niggard of “rosum,” for he
“greased,” as he termed it, between his tunes every time!
and then at his first few vigorous jerks, fell a shower of
dust on the agitated bosom of his instrument, calling out in
vain for mercy under the cruel punishment!

Dan's main difference from Paganini was in using his
left hand to bow. And yet this better enabled him to make
room; for persons going to the left for safety, met the accidental
hits where lest expected,—like Ehud, who not noticing
the left hand of Shamgar, got what English bullies
call his gruel, from the wrong quarter!

Let us not, however, do Dan injustice. He certainly
did, out of benevolence, administer some wilful and hard

blows, and yet keep an unconscious phiz; but when Dan
was fairly possessed with the spirit of fiddling, he never
even dreamed he had an elbow! Then his arm was all
elbow! The way it jumped up and down! and darted
back and forth!—the velocity was too dizzy to look at!
But then, if a spectator valued his eyes, let him stand clear
of the bow's end!—not the point, that was always safe
enough on the strings—but the heel or slide end, which
never visiting the fiddle, was ever flourishing about almost
invisible, with reckless indifference and the force of a bullet!
In truth, Dan always fiddled like a race-horse; and
if he got one bar's start, I defy any body to have ever over-taken
him! But some favourite tunes he played like a tornado;
such as “the Irish Washerwoman,”—and above all,
that satanic rondo, “the D. among the T's. And I know
this is not exaggeration; for once on my asking Hunting
Shirt Andy, who was a good judge, what he thought of
Dan's playing, he unhesitating declared that “Dan Scrape
played the fiddle like the very devil!”

The second fiddle was a pupil of Dan's. And the master
had evidently taken great pains with his—finger-board,
it being crossed with white paint to guide the pupil's fingers,
who still usually hit wide of the mark in his haste to
overtake his teacher! He is called second fiddle, not because
he did alto or tenor, but because he was usually behind
the first fiddle in time; nay, he was sometimes so
utterly lost, that Dan would tell him to stop, and “start in
when the tune kim round agin!”

Some may think these defects made discords; but then
this was compensated by the two fiddles never being tuned
alike, accuracy of stop being thus rendered less important;
and above all, because the exquisite triangle completely
obliterated, filled up, and jingled into one all mistakes, vacancies,
and discords!

I shall only further remark, that the professor of the triangle

was actually self-taught! and yet he could outjingle
any thing of the sort I ever heard, even if aided by the
cymbals and musical bells!

“But what of the third fiddle?”

Let Dan answer, who, after the execution of Hail Columbia,
thus whispered me:—“Tim Scratch know'd better
nor to come! he's not sick no how—it's all possum! He's
no fiddler! I kin out fiddle him if he lives for ever and a
day longer—and plays on Sundays!”

And so it was: and neither Mr. Carlton nor any other
man who values reputation ought to play with Dan Scrape.

The Reverend Principal Clarence now arose, and in
pumps and silk stockings advanced and made something
like the following address:—

“Ladies and gentlemen”—(a kind of don't-gentleman-me-look
of certain hearers, made him add)—“and my respected
fellow-citizens, we rejoice to meet so large an
assembly and so full of good spirits, come to attend our first
exhibition. It is natural you should be here: it is your
own school, and these are your own sons and relatives, who
are now to show before you their improvement to-night.
We are here, fellow-citizens, to witness what Western
boys can do; and let me say, that while far from perfection,
our boys, if not embarrassed, will not disgrace our
wooden country. We say embarrassed; for any confusion
or noise accidentally made by our respected fellow citizens
present, in time of a speech or other exercise, will hinder
our unpractised speakers from doing themselves justice.
We depend, of course, on the honour of our hearers, not
giving any order on the subject, or making even a request,
as is often necessary in the East; because here, in the free
West, where all do as they please, Backwoodsmen naturally
behave according to the maxims of good sense.”—
(“Bust my rifle! if that ain't the truth,” interrupted Ned,—
“we'll show 'em how to behave, Mr. Fakilty!”)—“Just as

I said, stranger,”—resumed Clarence—“and, therefore,
we shall say no more, but will instantly proceed with the
exercises.”

This was ferociously clapped and stamped; and then the
exercises proceeded, the cow bell being duly rung, first for
the music to begin and then for it to cease. In the latter
case the bell owed its efficiency to Mr. Carlton, as Dan was
always more ready to begin than to finish a tune. And
hence, and as the orchestra was louder than the bell, we went
by sight; but Dan never could see the wag of the bell, till
Mr. C. gave him a hunch on the off-side; and then his Scremonah
hushed up, like a cholicy child that had screeched
itself to sleep! Had Mr. Carlton been on the bow-side, he
must have poked Dan with a stick, or met something tragical;
but like the fox in æsop, he had learned from the hits
of others.

It is unnecessary to detail the events of that memorable
night. All the students were applauded; and not a few
with the admixture of Indian yells, so like the savage-savage,
that the animals could, like the ass-lion, be detected only by
the skin! Certain speeches, too, political in their nature,
and admirably delivered, caused the audience to lose sight
of the exhibition, and hurrah for Jackson or Clay as on the
election ground. And these speakers, with one exception,
became politicians, and are even yet, most of them, figuring
before the world. The people generally behaved as Ned
Stanley, (our friend Rifle-Bust) promised, and as Western
folks always do behave, if one shows a disposition to conciliate
and will employ a little innocent flattery; not that they
are deceived by such, but that they take it as a sign of your
desiring to please and put them on honour.

Let, however, a self-complacent gentleman, full of city
importance and strut essay, in a dictatorial way, to manage
a free and wild assembly in the world of woods and prairies
—and if he is not shut up in a manner that shall clean

wipe the conceit out of him, then is my opinion a mistake.
He may order a hackman, or a porter, or a quill-driver, or
a sawyer—but if he dare order freemen of the forests and
the meadows, they will ride him on a rail; and, in spite
of his stocks, brick houses, fine equipage, whiskers and
curled hair!

The speeches, excepting a few humourous ones, were
all original; and equal to the best in our schools and colleges
concocted from the living and the dead. Generally
the young men of a New Purchase are superior to the
young gentlemen of old settlements, in both scholarship
and elocution; and for the following reasons:

1. The young men come to learning as a novelty. It is
opposite to the monotony of woods, cabins, pork, corn, and
axes. Hence nothing exceeds their interest and curiosity;
and it is long, under a judicious teacher, before the novelty
ceases; and afterwards the habit of hard studying supplies
the place.

2. The young men regard learning as the lever to elevate
them—or by which the New World may cope more
fairly with the Old. Hence, day and night, they work
vi et armis at the machine; until they even get higher
than the young gentlemen who work lazily and feebly.

3. The young men have more energy than the young
gentlemen; and this directed by enthusiastic masters in
learning produces great results.

4. New Purchases have few temptations to idleness
and dissipation. Indeed, as war among the Spartans, so
Colleges there are to the young men recreations, and more
delightful than anything else.

5. Ten dollars a year—the tuition fee—was too hard
for our young men to obtain, lightly to be squandered.
And ten dollars with us would buy ten acres nearly; hence
they who value land as a great earthly good, spend not a
small farm once a year for the privilege of being idle.

Young gentlemen often waste two such a year on sugar
candy!

6. Young men are inquisitive like yankees; and hence,
they ask endless questions not contained in Parley-books.
And by this method of torturing professors, more is often
extracted than by torturing nature.

7. Young men out there are in more immediate contact
with professors; hence, if the professors be themselves
men, the advantages of the old Roman way of education
may be combined with the modern ways.

We have seven more reasons, which, however, we shall
not inflict in the First edition; but to fortify the seven and
to conclude the exhibition, we shall present minute accounts
of two young men, who were among our stars. And as
these stars still shine, the one fixed, the other wandering,
in the political firmament, we may only designate them as
the George and the Henry.

George possessed not uncommon talents; unless perseverance
be a talent, and that he did possess in so great a
degree as to make it a substitute for genius. He is our
fixed star. Many knew of his untiring patience and plodding
diligence, and were impressed with a belief he would,
after all, make something; but none expected him to shine
forth to night a star of the first magnitude. Not only was
he great compared with himself, but with all others; and
his composition on the life, character, and writings of Cicero
was admirably written and most happily spoken. I was
myself amazed, fired, captivated, and even instructed; and,
after the exercises ended, I sought him, for he was one
of my favourites, and said:

“Why George! you did nobly! surely that composition
cost you no small labour?”

“Thank you, Mr. Carlton. As to the piece—(I have
no desire to pass for a genius)—it did cost me thought and
labour—I carefully studied and re-wrote it thirty-six times.”

Well! that was one young Man. The other, Henry,
although never among my favourites, will even more forcibly
sustain our reasons. In a pecuniary sense, he was a
poor boy even for the Purchase; and lived, in homely
phrase, from hand to mouth. Indeed the loss of a day's
job, made his mouth that day debtor for its food; and hand,
on the next occasion, did double duty. He was, however,
rich in expedient, and hesitated at no job, odd or even;
although, it is to be regretted, he did not sometimes refuse
employments not strictly honourable. And yet even that
may be palliated. But no apology can ever atone for his
occasional ingratitude and even positive injury to benefactors,
when a few dollars were the price gained by his desertion
of duty and honour.

No sooner, however, had the Seminary been organized,
than Henry determined to obtain a good education. He
had credit enough to procure some decent clothes and necessary
books; but as five dollars, cash, and in advance,
were to be paid to our Treasurer, Henry was forced to look
for a few lucrative jobs; and hence, he one morning presented
himself at my store and commenced:

“Well, Mr. Carlton, I've got books and clothes; but
I've no silver to pay the session-bill—kin you give a feller
no job what will bring silver?”

“Really, Henry, I don't know that I can;—but stay!
we've lost our cow—will you take half a dollar a day in
cash to look her up?”

“Ay! will I;—when did she put out?—what kind of
a crittur is she?—which way, think she went? &c., &c.”

Satisfied as far as possible in his inquiries, away went
the lad to the woods. At the end of two days he came
back, cowless, indeed, but after a painful search through
thickets, along creeks, and over hills; and during which,
he had camped out alone in the night. Our hero had thus
one dollar of the tuition fee.

About this time we had ceased from digging a well,
after finding no water at twenty-five feet; although we had
employed a great hazel-wizzard; and his rod had repeatedly
turned down over the spot, and that so hard as to twist
off a little of the bark. Even the diviner was quite at a
loss to account for the failure; insisting yet the water
must be lower, as “his rod never twisted so powerful
arnest if they want water somewhere!”

Now Henry was of the same opinion; and, therefore,
bringing Mr. Hum, the wizzard (or witch, there so called)
to me, the two prevailed on me to go only four feet lower
—Henry undertaking the job at fifty cents per foot! I
had supposed the boy would have a comrade to work his
windlass; but no, down went Henry alone with the necessary
implements; and after digging, and breaking, and prying,
and shovelling, up the ladder he came, let down his empty
bucket, descended, filled the bucket, reascended, wound up
his load, and so on, till he had cleared out “his diggins!”
And away he went again to work with hammer and sledge,
bar, spade, shovel, and bucket; till, within a week, our
well was four feet deeper and Henry two dollars richer!
But although water was “somewhere,” it had not risen in
our part of the world;—the bottom of the pit was still as
dry and comfortable as an oven!

Our hero in similar ways procured the other two cash
dollars; and by the aid of some student's mastering in private
several elementary studies, he was, at the opening of
the next session, matriculated as something more than a
Freshman. And now, while attending his regular studies,
he still by jobbing maintained his mouth and laid by a few
dollars for books and future tuition fees. He contrived
even to be appointed sub-deputy librarian of the Woodville
Library, adding thus to his information and funds; and, as
if all this were not enough, he one day waited on Mr.
Clarence to ask if the school-laws would permit him to
study law and remain a student!

“Study law!—Henry?”—said Clarence.

“Yes, sir; lawyer Cravings will find me books; and
thinks in a year or two I can plead before magistrates. If
it is not against the laws —”

“Why, certainly we have no law against that; such a
case was never imagined as probable or possible. Do,
however, not neglect your regular college studies, and then,
it is nobody's business what else you may study or learn.”

Our young man, sure enough, went to work at the law,
Hooser-fashion indeed, and still attended well to his regular
studies; and in two weeks before the exhibition, he did
actually defend and win a cause before Squire Snab, and
against and from the redoubtable lawyer Cravings himself
—and, with the contingent fee, he paid our treasurer the
tuition price of the next term!

Very good, young gentlemen! laugh at all this if you
please. But had you heard Henry, ranking now about
Sophomore, deliver at the exhibition, his Speech on Man,
you would have offered, as is usual in here, a price for it,
in view of your Senior Speech! Come! I will bet you
two dozen racoon skins against a pair of kid gloves, or
even a pot of cold cream, that if you wrote your own speech,
when you were graduated, it was not as good as his!

53. CHAPTER LIII.

Some may wish to know how our Faculty spent vacations
in the woods. As to Clarence, in term time, he preached
twice on Sabbath, and sometimes oftener; beside, lectures
in the week, and the like,—but, in vacations, he commonly
did more. This very vacation, he once walked five
miles in the rain; preached an hour and a half in the open
air; and then walked back the same distance to Glenville's
new cabin, on the river. Our preacher was, what
is called a laborious minister: and yet his ecclesiastical
stipend, and that in trade, averaged only fifty dollars per
annum! yea! he has even been without a morsel of food
in his house, or a stick of wood for a fire—and, in a cold
winter day, lay thus sick and deserted!

Clarence, however, would laugh a little: but, then, for
this, Carlton was usually to blame. Hence, we do hope
“the brethren,” when reading this work, will be careful to
condemn the right person—and that, not too severely; as
the author, a somewhat ubiquitous man, has had the pleasure
of hearing Bishops, Priests, and Deacons, as well as
the inferior ministers, preachers, and exhorters, do secular
laughing, beside “making merry” with friends, according
to the Scriptures.

Thus our Faculty, in vacations, did often, what classical
people do elsewhere—nothing! Sometimes, they did next

to nothing—smoking! and very often they did—cutting-up!
And this last consists in craking nuts and jokes—
racing one another, and slamming doors—in upsetting
chairs, and even kicking up carpets! Great wisdom,
however, and art and tact, and gentlemanly feeling, are
requisite for the cut-up; and specially in knowing where
and when to cease: and, of all men, to do the thing right,
Harwood, Clarence, Glenville, and Carlton were just
“the dandy!” If the affair is not done up to the point—
it is teasing; if beyond—it is horse play; but if in medio
tutissimi—it is the most tickling and exhilatory!—better
to provoke laughter than all the jest-books in existence.
The cut-ups were usually in wet weather.

In dry times, our literati strolled into the forests; where
mineralogy, botany, and natural history, suggested by dark
masses of rough rocks, or curious stones and shells, never
before handled by moderns; or by enormous wild flowers,
with cups large enough to hold two thimbles-full of dew;
or by a startled snake, ringing his warning under prostrate
trunks on or near which the learned stood; or, by crackling
brush and whirling leaves, where shone a streak of bounding
wolf or glancing deer—became recreations detaining
our friends till dinner was deferred until tea, and tea until
supper, when all were devoured as one! Perhaps the
mind never so marched towards the west, as once when Clarence
and Harwood, and several visiting literati, were seen
by the Author, all in a line, knee-deep and wading towards
the occidental sun, through the fresh-fallen leaves; and
thus discussing,—at one time, the Greek Tragedians,—at
another, the Calculus and the Analytical Geometry! It
was the only time the Author ever witnessed the Grand
Abstraction embodied and embattled! And he feels elated
as the White Man who talked—(in Judge Hall's Works)—
to the very Indian whose great-paternal grandfather had

actually heard of the man whose father had seen the skeleton
of a Gopher!

Often, too, would I seduce the Faculty into a hunt, by
quoting the Greek of Xenophon, where Cyrus the Elder
inflames his comrades, by descriptions of wild boars that
rushed on the hunter's spear like warriors in battle, and
of deer that leaped — oh! how high! But this vacation,
I proposed a party, to visit and explore a cave just
discovered by a hunter in pursuit of a fox, that darted
down a sink-hole and disappeared, in an opening among
some rocks.

In any village is it difficult, but especially in a New-Purchase
one, to keep such intention secret. Soon, then,
was it bruited through Woodville, that Carlton was making
up a party for the cave; when further invitation was useless,
our main art now being to keep out some, whose
“room was better than their company.” And this must be
done without seeming to interfere with people's liberty of
going where they liked. The prevention was partly accomplished
by fixing on no definite day; and deferring,
till some became weary of waiting and left town, or so
engaged that going would then be impossible. Some,
also, were specially asked; but not before it had been
ascertained that small chance existed of their obtaining
horses. This was the case with the Doolittles; who, as we
rode by the morning of the expedition, answered somebody's[5]
expressions of regret that we should be deprived
of the pleasure of their company, with—“Well! thank
you all the same for the invite—next time we'll look up
nags and critters a smart chance quicker!”

Unexpectedly, one fine morning, the rising sun shedding

horizontals of light and shade over our village, were revealed
one dozen horses at Carlton's rack, and about an
equal number in other places, accoutred and accoutring—
(passively);—and, therefore, shortly after “sun up” where
we could see him, a report was spread that Carlton's party
was going to the cave to-day. But rumour was not long
requisite to advertise; since every man, woman, boy, girl,
and child of the party became, about 8 o'clock, A. M., a
notifier, while our cavalcade dashed through the village,
talking, cantering, whipping, joking, spurring, laughing!
while some screamed, “come on, thare, behind!” and
some, “not so blame fast, thar', in front!” and others in
piteous accents, “La! if I ain't dropt my ridicul'!”—
“Awh! stop! won't you?”—“This darn'd ole guth's
a-bustin'!” Oh! it was a glorious hubbub!

Alas! how dignity forgot decorum that delicious morning!
Even our literati, the teachers of proprieties and all
that, even they lost sight of Lord Chesterfield! Why,
reader! they laughed outright like the vulgar! They rode
with one foot only in a stirrup, and let the other dangle!
They jumped down to pick up Polly Logrul's “bag as had
her hankichif in!” And more—they pelted the girls at a
distance with acorns, beech-nuts, and horse-chesnuts!
switched Hoosier-dandies' horses, to make them kick-up!
rear! run! and what not! And if the grave folks behaved
so—what did the others?

Ah! dear Precise! does happiness consist in skin-tight
garments? in a hat or bonnet stuck to the pate in a style?
in tying one's limbs to the dull earth by straps under boots?
in moving with a graceful and pointed toe, and fingers
curved and adjusted, and neck arched in magazine fashion?
and in riding horses with trained gait—in smirking, and
simpering, and lisping, by rule? If so: go not to a New
Purchase! Above all, go not with the natives to explore a
cave! Depend on it—you will break your straps! your

corset-string, male or female! and derange your curls!
Solemnly—it will spoil your looks!—those, at least, your
milliner, and tailor, and perfumer gave you! But if no
regard for your makers' reputations deter you—I tell you
it will break your—necks!

One may ride a trained horse, handsomely caparisoned,
on macadamised ways, and sit perpendicular and graceful,
while the beast does his theatrical starts and plunges
at certain secret pulls, touches, and words: but put the
same rider on the mischievous, unbroken, wild “crittur”
of the woods, moving in a compound of all gaits, and starting,
plunging, kicking, and biting extemporaneously; and
on a saddle that does not fit, and with a girth that will
break; and this in a gully road, a snaggy ravine, an impeded
trace, or a tangled and pathless woods;—and then
if the rider forget not dignity, and grace, and rules, adieu
to his seat! and maybe adieu to whatever brains nature,
or, more likely, Phrenology may have given him! Situations
occur in both the moral and the natural worlds,
where a man becomes a law unto himself—and such are
often in the west. But this is digression.

Our party was to consist of one dozen adults;—(children
are never counted out there, but go, not as shadows—they
are mere accretions)—yet spite of the effort to be exclusive,
our select company swelled to nearly thirty! And this before
we set out! and then so great was the excitement produced,
that some who had abandoned the intention of going,
suddenly resumed it; so, that just after our entering the
woods, a clatter of hoofs and uproar of voices and leaves
were close in the rear! and there was a handsome addition
to the cave party of some dozen more! Among others,
was a hunting crony of mine, Domore: and behind on his
horse he carried two of the Doolittles! Other horses had
duplex riders too; and when such all got into Indian
file, nothing could be seen except legs on the ground kicking

dry leaves, and legs in the air kicking horse sides—
that being answered instantly by a very venomous switching
of horse tails, and an occasional and extra performance of
horse heels.

Perhaps the increased company was also owing to this:
several affianced lovers were of the party; and rumour,
with more of romance than reality, had said, that more than
two couples were to be married in the cave under ground!
Oh! what a temptation—a Hoosier wedding in a new-found
cave! But the sternness of truth forbids; yet the Talemaquers
must not steal this idea: when I write fiction I
shall make a story out of it myself.

Seven miles from Woodville we reached the cabin of the
hunter, who had discovered the cave. Here we got ample
directions; not, indeed, from the male hunter—he was absent—but
from Mrs. Hunter. These are here condensed
for the guidance of the reader, in case he may want to visit
the cave for curiosity or consumption.

DIRECTIONS OF MRS. HUNTER.

“Well, stranjurs, I warn't never at that are cave; but I
often heern him tell on it; and I allows I kin a sort a pint
out the course ne'er on about as well as Bill himself kin.
Now, look here—you must put off ahind the cabin down
the branch till you amost about come to ole Fire-Skin's
trace—(an Indian once trading there)—and thare a kind a
take off a sort a so like—(pointing S. S. West)—and that'll
bring you to Hickory Ridge; whare you must keep down
like, but a sort a leetle barin up, till you strike B'ar Waller—(a
creek)—and thare keep rite even on strate ahead
till you gits to Rock-Ford—and some wher strate ayond is
near about whare Bill fust seed the wolf or fox, I disremember
which on 'em 'twas—but no odds no how—only
foller on thare, a turning though left; and a leetle ayond
is the sink holes:—and 'twas one on 'em the varmint tuk

into—I dont't know the hole, but it is a powerful big one,
and about as round as a sugar kittle.”

In the party were folks that had killed turkeys on Hickory;
fought bruins on Bear Wallow; hunted deer around
Rock Ford; yet had we not fortunately encountered Bill
himself, near Fire-Skin's trace, and received directions a
little different, we should, indeed have found the sink holes
—but not the cave. That was in a sink by itself, half a mile
from the others, in size less than the least, and without
any shape whatever—a place none save a fox or a hunter
could ever have found!

But that place, by Bill's directions, was reached. And
now the nature of the next operation being better understood,
our exploring party became small if not select. Some
ten feet down, after scratching through briars and bushes,
we espied a rat hole, or to make the most of it, an opening
thirty inches long by eighteen wide; excepting where
sharp points of rock projected and made the aperture an
inch or two less. And this hole was the veritable door of
the cavern! This was manifest from the worn trace of some
kind of beasts; but mainly from Domore's report, who
crawled in backward, and in five minutes crawled out
head foremost, saying—“He backed in a rite smart chance,
yet arter a while he finded he could a kinder sorter stand
up—and then he kim out to sartify the kumpine.”

Immediately commenced a metaphorical backing out:
most of the ladies declared at once they never would crawl
into such a place! Some also refused out of cowardice;
and some were bound to refuse by tight corslets and other
bandages. Yet some half dozen, and among them Mrs.
Clarence and Mrs. Carlton, (who usually kept together,)
defying natural and conventional objections, said they would
follow the preacher, as he could exorcise foul spirits;[6]

and as to other inhabitants, they would leave them to Domore
and the other brave hunters with us. Some gentlemen
that wished to go in, had to remain with the recusant
ladies: and some hardy bucks, with rifles, preferred hunting
an hour or two “to crawlin on all fours under the airth like
darn'd brute critturs!” But this was “Possum”—these
latter feared to be cut out, and intended to stay above
ground and improve the time in sparking.

One affianced pair were so determined on the descent,
and so resisted all dehortations, that some of the hide-bound
were tempted to go along with us, under a suspicion that
the lovers, if they went into the cave two, would return
one: curiosity being nearly as strong as corsets!—but not
quite.

To all, however, it was strange poor Polly Logrul obstinately
refused to go down; although her sweatheart was
making ready to do so, and her rival, Peggy Ketchim, was
to be of the crawling party! And when all knew Polly was
neither nice nor timid; and would not hesitate to seize a
wolf natural by the ears! But, reader, I was in the secret:
—Polly was too large for the aperture! Hog[7] and hominy
had enlarged her physics till poor Polly, who had hitherto
triumphed in her size, now wished herself a more etherial
sprite: for I accidentally saw her, when she supposed all
at a distance, standing near the cave door, and convincing
herself by a total blocking of the aperture by a part only
of her form, that Peggy Ketchim would have Jesse—ah!
in what unseen part of the underworld, that day, all to herself!

At length all was ready. Then we formed in Indian file,
faces outward and backs towards the entrance, and began
slowly to retrograde from the sun-light. Domore led the
rear; then came the braves; then backed in Professor

Harwood, then Mr. Carlton, his wife following before him,
and then Principal Clarence, with wife ditto: and then—

“What then? How did the young ladies and gentlemen
come down?”

I could not see beyond Mr. Clarence. It was arranged,
however, that the ladies should come in a line in front of
Mrs. Clarence, and the young gentlemen bring up the van
—like going up and down stairs in monuments and steeples
to the east. Doubtless all backed in judiciously, as we
heard no complaints: although there was incessant laughter,
screeching, squealing, and the like; and an occasional
exclamation, as—“You, Joe!”—“Awh! now Sam, let me
be!”—“Go away—I don't want none o' your help!”—
“Take that now!”—which last was followed by a hard
slap on somebody's face, and instantly answered by—
“Darn it Peg! if you ain't a bustur!”

The entrance was the grand difficulty; for on squeezing
down a few yards, the rocks went down like irregular
steps, and our heads began gradually to rise, till by our
torches were seen the rocks above ascending in a similar
way: and in about fifty feet from the aperture we could
stand erect and look round on a vast cavern, widening in
every direction. Here the rear awaited the centre, and
then both, the van; and then all the torches being lighted,
we could see more distinctly this terra incognita.

Deep fissures were apparent in the rocks below, into
which one might have fallen in the dark; but we met no
accident, and continued now our advance to the Grand
Saloon, or as Bill had called it, “the biggerest cave whare
he couldn't see the top like.” On reaching the entry of
this room, we clambered down some rough projecting rocks;
and thence passing along two abreast for fifteen yards, we
all stood safe in the Saloon itself. Here nothing was remarkable
but the size. It was an apartment about eighty
feet long and from fifteen to forty wide, the height varying

from twenty to sixty feet—although in some places we
could not discern any roof.

Near one end, however, was a rock not unlike a pulpit,[8]
about four feet high and ascended by natural steps and encircled
by a stony balustrade. The immediate consecration
was proposed to our lovers. The gentleman, a store-keeper
of Woodville, readily assented; but the mistress, a
pretty and interesting young lady, positively declared
“she was determined never to marry any where, but to die
an old maid”—sure sign of course, that “the day was
fixed;” for girls make no such silly and desperate speeches
till either mature years arrive or the marriage is secretly
arranged. When rallied on this point, she took the other
tack and said, “if she did marry, it should be above the
earth; for she didn't believe a marriage under it was legal;
and for her part, when she could find a fellow worth having,
she intended to adhere to him till death!”

“Well!”—said Peggy Ketchim,—`I'd jist as leef marry
the man I lov'd down here as not”—looking tender at
Jesse, Miss Logrul's beau. Jesse, however, would not
take, being yet vexed at the slap severely done to his face
on the crawl-way; but he very ungallantly replied:

“Well, darn it, if I wouldn't like the joke too, if Miss
Logrul had ony kim down—”

“Poll Logrul!”—(dixit Peggy)—“what's the use a her
tryin to go through life with a feller, whom she couldn't
squeeze into a cave.”

Here were plainly symptoms of a squall, which it was
expedient to overwhelm with a storm; hence I proposed
to try the effect of a unanimous and vigorous “hurraw!”
—and to ascertain if the party outside could hear our shouting.
This was agreed; and then at the signal we let it
out!—and oh! the uproar! inconceivable before, indescribable
now! And the effect so different from noises in the

world!—in a few moments hundreds of bats, hitherto pertinaciously
adhesive to the rocks, took wing, and flying,
with no discretion, they dashed in panic against our very
faces and open mouths, and speedily extinguished more
than half our torches. Many ladies would have fainted,
and most would have screamed; but ours, knowing that
noise had brought the evil, remained quiet; and hence the
bats soon withdrew to their clinging, and our torches were
relighted; and—

“Hark!—what's that!?”

“What?”

“Listen!”

We did, and heard an indistinct and peculiar noise—
now like whining—now like growling—and then it seemed
a pit-pat sound like padded feet! and it then died away, and
we were left to our speculations.

“Huh! haw!—its them blasted fellers outside a trying to
sker the gals down here.”

“Who knows if it ain't Bill's fox?”

“'Spose it was Bill's wolf—hey?”

At this ingenious suggestion, the ladies all in unaffected
alarm, proposed an immediate retreat. Yet Domore and
Jesse and half a dozen other chaps, said “they did want
most powerful bad jist to see into the next room a little
down like, afore goin back;” and hence the ladies kindly
agreed to wait in the saloon, with a guard for their return.

The explorers, then, set off; and for a time were heard
their footsteps and merry voices, till all were hushed in the
distance; and we in silence remained striving to catch yet
some faint sound—when forth on a sudden came the burst
of terrific screams and outcries from the exploring party!
and that soon followed by the noise of feet coming back
quicker by far than they had gone away! And then into
the saloon jumped and tumbled the whole party, a few

laughing and jeering, but most bawling out—“a Ba'r! a
Ba'r!!”

Our ladies, of course, added at first a scream; and there
was some involuntary adhering to husbands' and lovers'
arms; a little earnest entreaty to get out instantly; and
then a rushing towards the egress of the cave, and then a
rushing back, as darkness in that direction became visible,
and bats' wings flapped again into faces; yet in no long
time order was restored, and we listened to the following
account from Domore.

“Well! I tell you what naburs! if I warn't about as
most powerful near a treadin on a darn black varmint of a
ba'r, as most folks ever was I allow. You see, as we a
kind a kim to that tother long hole, says I to Jess, Jess
says I, you jist take this here light of mine here, and I'll
go fust a head and feel along till we git's to that 'are room
Bill tells on, whare he seed a crik a runnin across tother
end, says I. Well, so Jess he takes the light and we kim
to whare you a kinder sorter go down a leetle, and I was
je-e-st agoin so—(action)—to put down one leg this a way
so, a holdin on so—(clinging to the pulpit)—above like,
and I sees the rock b'low a most powerful black and dark,
and I thinks as maybe it mought be a deep hole;—and
with that says I to Jess, Jess says I, tote along that light a
yourn—and then I holds it down this a way—(using his
torch)—whare I was goin to step, and darn my leggins if
the hole didn't seem a movinin and a movinin, till all of a
quick up sprouted a ba'r's head! and his eyes a sort a starin
so—(imitating)—rite slam smack on mine! Well Jess he
seed him too, and the way he let out his squawk was a
screecher I tell you! And then all them tother fellers
what was ahind, darn em if they didn't squeel as if they
was skulp'd!—and put out and make tracks for this here
preachers' room! But you see, I've fit ba'r afore and I
know'd this one warnt agoin to fite—and I seed him a put-tin

off afore I kim away—and if I'd had one of them chaps
rifles above ground, why you see if we wouldn't a cooked
ba'r meat down here to day thar's no snakes.”

“But Domore, suppose the bear had made battle?”

“Well—Mr. Carltin, 'spose he had—do you see this?”
—drawing from his jacket a very savage looking scalping
knife.

“Yes! yes!—Domore—and I would not have asked
you, if I had known you had your knife.”

“Well, you see, Mr. Carltin, I don't mean no 'fence—
but that a sorter shows you don't know all about the woods
yit—albeit you're a powerful feller with the rifle; a hunter
doesen't go into timber without his knife, and never no
how into sich like caves and holes as this here one.”

Fears had now abated; and the ladies professed great
confidence in my friend Domore's skill and bravery; still,
it was voted to retire immediately into the world, and our
line of retreat was as follows.

1. Nearly all the males, headed by Jesse, who, wishing
to show his spunk and retrieve the disgrace of his “screecher,”
led the van, now in front.

2. All the females.

3. The Faculty and Mr. Carlton.

4. And lastly, Domore as rear guard.

Without memorable accident our van in due time gained
the cave-door and crawled out head foremost; then, aided
by the upper party collected around at the unexpected
egress, they helped out the female incumbents; and then,
amid united congratulations and derisions, we, the last
division were ushered slowly once more into ordinary life.

“But where's Domore our rear guard?”

“Oh! I hear him, or something else, pushing out—he
makes powerful little head way tho'—maybe he's draggin
a ba'r—he's mighty fussy with something and very
onactive.”

By this time our whole party had come around the aperture
and were with great interest eyeing the spot to greet our
hero—when—could it be!—the hole was suddenly blocked
up!—

“Goodness! Mr. Carlton,—was it the bear?”

“Oh! no—no—no! dear reader, it was the full disk of
Domore's tow-linen posterior inexpressibles! For with
proper regard of self-defence, and yet with this peculiar
breach of etiquette, he was coming out of the aperture wrong
end foremost!

Aye-yah! you may hold up your fans, and so forth: but
fans themselves would have joined in the universal, uncontrollable,
ungenteel, and almost unendable laughter, that for
the first and the last and the only time since its creation,
startled and shook the grim old trees that day! Laughter
like that occurs only once in a life time! And this is said
deliberately, and to enable the judicious critics to remark—
“The author on page so and so is again guilty of something
like laughing at his own stories.”

“Well,”—said Domore, when, at long last, he made his
apology,—“well, I know'd it warnt the best manners to
back out like; and it warnt powerful easy ither; but you
see it a sort a couldn't be helped; for, says I to meself,
down thare, 'spose, says I, the darn'd b'ar, or some sich
ugly varmint, was to kim agin a feller, what would be the
use of kickin at 'im? And so I jist sticked my torch in a
hole, and drawed out my knife, and kim out as you see, and
ready to give it to any varmint what mought kim ahind
me.”

This was voted satisfactory; and Domore was cheered
as the lion of the New Purchase; showing, too, that the
race of the Putnams is not extinct.

Our pic-nicery was now ready; and we began to regale
ourselves with keen appetites, when a few drops of
water made us think some one was playing a prank; but

alas! no—it was rain! downright rain. And now if I had
the pen of a ready writer, I might tell how quick the eatables
were deserted—knives, cups, plates, cloths, all stuffed
and crammed into saddle-bags—shawls pitched on, and off,
too—bonnets tied under chins—horses saddled—mounted
—and we away, away, over Rock Ford—up and down
Hickory Ridge—on Fire-Skin's trace—and once more
snug and spongy behind Bill's cabin.

Bill and his wife pressed us to stay all night,—a hunter's
heart being always bigger than his cabin,—but we all
refused except Domore: and he stayed, not to avoid the
rain, but to talk over the cave affair and the bear scrape.
We took a fresh start, and scampered on fast as ever to
escape now the coming darkness: and in process of time
reached Woodville, a sad reverse of the gay and dry party
of the morning! Yet how we looked none could tell, for it
was then a coal black night; but judging by our own plight,
when standing by the kitchen fire, our whole party must have
been a remarkably shivering and absorporific compound of
mud and water!

Upper class and aristocratic gowns, frocks, hats and
broad cloth and silk in general, had encountered melancholy
accidents; but none so serious as were met by two bran
new second rate Leghorns, ambitiously sported for the first
time to-day by two of our tip-top young ladies. These
big-buggeries were not only soaked and stained with water
and dirt of divers colors, but even torn by briars and
branches: and this utter ruin and loss retarded our civilization
a full year! it being all that time before the articles
were replaced, and none others presuming to lead our
fashions in this respect except the two pretty, but rather
vain Misses Ladybook.

54. CHAPTER LIV.

—Mellen.

Our family was usually very harmonious: yet the surface
of our quiescence was occasionally ruffled. For instance,
Mr. Carlton believed that Miss Elizabeth Carlton,
now nearly four years old, if she did spell, ought to do it
by sounds of the letters: Aunt Kitty insisted it ought to
be in the march of mind way—by pictures of things. And
Aunt Kitty carried the day, affirming that the baby could
learn to spell in six days!—Mr. Carlton not caring whether
she spelled or not, provided she had plenty of air and
sunshine, and played all the time with a kitten or a doll.
But when he obstinately persisted that the little one could
not ever learn to spell by pictures, and must do it by
the sounds of separate letters, away flounced Aunt Kitty
after a caricature book; and then flouncing back she said
with a voice of triumph:

“There, Mr. Carlton, spell her any where.”

“Well, dearee, what does c-o-w spell?”—covering at
the same time the figure with the hand.

“Cow,” said the baby in an instant.

“There! Mr. Carlton—now sir!”—dixit Aunt Kitty.

“How do you know, dearee, that it spells cow?”—said
Mr. C.

“I sees the—legs!”—replied baby.

Aunt Kitty put out; while echo maliciously repeated—
“There! Mr. Carlton—now sir!”

—Dear one! that was true learning Aunt Kitty gave
you daily from the Word of God. She did, indeed, by her
living voice, teach in figures about heaven! even as the
blessed word itself. And it was to that heaven, dearest!
you went not many months after; when death so strangely
quenched the light of those sweetly soft blue eyes!

Parents! have you children in heaven? The author
hopes he has five. And shall we not strive to rejoin the
loved ones, where day-dreams are no more; and all is
glorious, satisfying, unending reality?

55. CHAPTER LV.

We shall conclude this year with a wedding.

“Who is to be married?”

John Glenville.

“That old bachelor?”

The same.

“To whom?”

Pardon me, I may not tell. The courtship, however,
had been speedy. On his side an affair of the heart—not
I fear, on hers. He certainly married not for money; she

—but she is in her forest grave now—and let her memory,
like her body, rot. Happy if another at the wedding had
died—that one can never die so peaceful now! The serpents
of our woods were fatal—yet they gave warning—
thou wast and art a more deadly snake—and warned not!
Traitor! the world will not understand this; and may
deem it fiction—thou wilt understand and sooner or later—
tremble! God save thee, however, the horrors of a death
bed!

The society of Woodville was not yet refined as it might
have been; although steps for the sublimating process had
been taken by our gentry, and with some success. Such
attempts, however, by many, were regarded with jealousy,
and by not a few with feelings of rancorous hostility.
Sometimes, too, every attempt had failed, and that owing
to the “galls:” for these insisted on mixing with our parties,
and also on taking seats at table; or if not present, it
was owning to management, and not a tame surrender of
the helpers' rights. Not unfrequently had an embryo lady,
or one emerging from the grub and hoosiery form, been
compelled by the discontent of her help, who had detected
the artifice of her mistress, to soothe the young lady by
saying before the company:

“Betty, child, I do wish you would sit down and a sort
a pour out, while I run out and bake the rest of the cakes.”

Once a very select party of prospective gentry had assembled
at Mrs. Roughsmoothe's, and had become talkative
and lively; when the gall-help, wishing to increase
the fun, suddenly descended from the loft, into our company,
and paraded over the room in her lady's husband's
brother's old buckskin breeches!

To aid the polishing of society, after long discussions
among the ladies, not those only connected with the bride
elect, but others intimate with our several families, it was

determined to have a sample wedding. To this, indeed,
the gentlemen all had objections; but the weaker sex, as
is always in such affairs the case, proved the stronger:
and so away to work went all hands for the grand display.

And, now, the truth of political economy became manifest,
that extravagance benefits mechanics, storekeepers,
and the like; for we sold broadcloth, and trimmings, and
silks, and satins—in short, all things for wedding-suits,
dresses and decorations; and every mantua-maker, milliner,
tailor, and shoemaker was in immediate requisition. Superfine
flour, too, was needed—the best teas and coffees—
the best loaf sugar—the best, in a word, of all persons and
things from the beginning to the end of Woodville. Nay,
many articles were required from the Ohio River. Hence,
so many messages were sent, and so many packages
brought, by waggoners and travellers, to and from, that
long before the eventful day, half the State was advertised
of the coming ceremony. Indeed, not a few at that time
came into Woodville from adjoining counties: which accounts
for the curious external celebration that accompanied
the internal one.

Nor were only selling and buying promoted by the affair—
it increased borrowing and lending. Many, who “allowed”
they would be asked, had agreed to lend one another
suitable apparel, from caps and curls upwards, to shoes and
stockings downwards: and our bride's folks, not having
domestic means enough, had borrowed far and wide every
article in the shape of china, proper and mock, and silver,
German and real. Consequently, the whole settlement
was more or less interested in our wedding: and it was
clear as sunshine, we should have as fine a gathering of
hoosiers, in all stages of refinement, both inside and outside
the house, as the heart of man could desire.

The wedding week had now arrived; and notes, prepared
in the best style, were sent round by Wooley Ben, the

negro barber, hired as waiter and to discharge a dozen
other offices and duties. Additional waiters would have been
employed; but this was the only respectable black “nigger”
in town: and as to hiring a native, white, red, or
brown, you might as easily have hired the Governor. Indeed,
nobody had, either little enough brains, or sufficient
temerity, to make the experiment:—a hundred to one, we
should have either been jawed or, more likely, got our own
jaws slapped.

Well, the grand evening came at last; and about sun-down
the wedding guests arrived, and were formally ushered
into the parlour; which, for the first, saw ladies enter
without bonnets, and with heads—some profusely, but
many tastefully—decorated with flowers and curls, artificial
and real. And never had that room been so full of
seats, varying from sofa to stool, or of so many yards of
silk, thread-lace, and bobinette! It had the honour of
sustaining the first fashionable jam ever known in the Purchase!

Across the entry, was a dining room; which was now
devoted to the supper-table, and its fixins. The supper
differed, however, in no important point from an eastern
affair—except, it was twice as abundant. But our furniture
was very different. Things went, indeed, by usual
names; yet the plate and the plates were very unlike
modern articles: and they were different from themselves!
All were antique vases, goblets, spoons, and so forth, the
relics of broken and by-gone sets; and gathered, not
merely from all parts of the Union, but from France, England,
Nova-Scotia, Scotland, and Wales. China and silver
representatives were on that table, of all the grand old-fashioned
dignity once pertaining to the ancestry of the
Woodville grandees; and whose pretensions to gentility
thus shone forth in a dumb show! Not a bit of plate,
pretended or genuine, but what had been borrowed, and

several pieces had even been sent voluntarily; so that
Ned, one of the company without, very properly said, in
his vernacular:

“Well! bust my rifle, if I allowed thare was sich a powerful
heap of silver and chanery in these here diggins! I
tell you what, Domore! wouldn't them wot-you-callums
buy up ne'er about all Uncle Sam's land in these parts?”

It has been said, the incipient attempts to sublimate and
crystalize society, were viewed by many with enmity:
and hence the male clarifiers had opposed any grand doings
now, as the whole might irritate, excite great prejudice,
and even retard the desired improvements. That
such fears were not groundless, will appear in the sequel:
but an episode is here necessary.

In many places of the Far West, in those days, was
prevalent a custom derived from the Canadians, called Chevrarai;
or, as pronounced by us in the Purchase, and
spelled by Mr. Nonpareil Primer, our College printer—
Shíver-ree. And that looks and sounds as much like the
thing as its echo. Hence we shall follow nature, or Mr.
Primer, (who was very natural in spelling,) and call the
thing Shíver-ree. The Shíver-reeing was done by a collection
of all physical bodies capable of emitting sounds from
a sugar kettle to a horse-shoe; and from the hoarsest bass
of the toughest hoosier, to the most acute treble of the
tenderest hoosierine—and all, at a signal, let off at once
under the windows, and in the very doors, of the marriage
house.

Commonly fun only was designed; and the serenaders
good humouredly retired after a dram of some alcoholic
liquor. Still, a little frolicsome mischief was sometimes
added. For instance, the Shíver-ree-ers would insist on
seeing the bridegroom; and the moment he appeared, he
would be transported to their shoulders, and paraded round
a few hundred yards, and in the very centre of the music;
after which, he would be restored to his anxious bride, and

the revellers, giving three cheers, would retire. The
bridegroom would, indeed, sometimes be kept too long; as
was the case with the young store-keeper, who had been
of our cave party: for, the Shíver-ree folks, having, by a
very cunning stratagem, caught this bridegroom, contrived
to carry him away, and keep him locked up in the jury-room
of the Court-house till near day-break, when he was
liberated! And, all this, without his being able to identify
one of his persecutors!

But the Shíver-ree was used, also, to annoy any unpopular
person or family. And, then, not even double or
quadruple drams could purchase peace. The moment
always chosen to begin the concert, was when the parties
stood before the parson. Then the power of his voice,
the patience of the groom, and the nerves of the bride,
were all fairly tested. The solemnization was as publicly,
and loudly announced as by the roar of artillery at royal
celebrations. The art within was to elude the vigilance
of the party without: in which attempt, however, to the
best of my recollection, the party within was always preeminently
unsuccessful—it being not possible that any
movement could escape a dozen practised eyes and ears
watching for signs, and usually aided by treachery within
the house.

Well, to-night, with all experience against us, and although
notified, by ominous sounds of rehearsal, that the
musicians were ready, we tried the usual ways of eluding
—such as dropping the curtains, appointing sentinels for
doors and crevices, and specially by keeping up no small
noise ourselves, laughing, talking, and screaming, up to the
instant when Mr. Clarence suddenly rose and met the
bridal party, entering from an adjoining apartment. Without
delay, he began with the notice, that, by virtue of a
license in his hand, he appeared to unite in marriage the
parties named therein, viz.—John Glenville, of Guzzleton,

and Evelina B—, of B—: and, as the profoundest
stillness yet prevailed without, we began to exchange
smiles of triumph, that, for once, Argus had been beguiled.
Even the preacher proceeded, with unwonted confidence,
and said, pro formulâ—“if any one present knows reason
why the parties ought not to be united in the bands of
wedlock, let such an one now speak —.” If any body
inside answered, the voice was unheard in the horrid din
from without, that interrupted and replied to the Reverend
Gentleman's inquisitorial formula.

What the din resembled, the reader, if poetic and fond
of music, may imagine, when we run over the instruments
of that extra-transcendental quavering, quivering, shivering
and roaring uproar!—viz. two corn baskets full of cow-bells
tied to saplings;—a score and a half of frying pans
beat with mush sticks;—two and thirty Dutch oven and
skillet lids clashed as cymbals;—fifty-three horse shoes,
played as triangles;—ten large wash-tubs and seven small
barrels drummed with fists and corn-cobs;—one hundred
and ninety-five quills, prepared and blown as clarionets;—
forty-three tin-whistles and baby-trumpets, blown till they
all cracked;—two small and one large military drums with
six fifes, blown on D in alt., or thereabouts;—add imitations
of scalp and war cries;—and inhuman yells, screams,
shrieks and hisses, of the most eminent vocalists!

The human performers were estimated from two hundred
and fifty to three hundred and fifty! there being about two
hundred extra volunteers from other counties:—the whole
mammoth-rabble-rouse being got up to do special dishonour
to “d—d 'ristocraticul and powerful grand big-bug doins!”
There were also super-human vocalists!--of these directly.

Temperance had advocates ready to shoot, but not be
shot for her, in our party; hence when the ceremony was
supposed to be ended, by the parson's being seen kissing the

wife, out started the two groomsmen and several volunteers
with buckets, pitchers, and cups, to molify the drinking
part of the serenaders. But when the customary doses
were administered, not only did the musicians not retire
with the complimentary cheers, but remained and calling
for “big-bug wine—fit for gentlemen!” and letting off at
each repetition of the demand peals of shíver-ree; till finding
after all no wine forthcoming, they manifested symptoms
of more serious riot and abuse.

This awakened an angry spirit in the bridal party, and
threats from without were answered by menace from within,
while inquiries were made of our host what arms could
be furnished for the defence of the castle. At this instant
a window sash behind the Miss Ladybooks was cautiously
raised from without, and before I could step thither to hold
down the sash, in leaped a musician—a four footed swine,
some six months of age, and weighing some fifty pounds!
Master Grunter had evidently entered unwillingly: and although
in his descent he availed himself of one lady's
shoulder, and another's lap, he trod elastically as an essenced
exquisite, and scarcely deranged a collar or soiled
a frock!

The feat was cheered by piggy's associates; and the
more, as our ladies in avoiding the unclean gentleman, had
sprung upon chairs, sofas, and even tables, where their
alarmed countenances were visible above the curtains to
the bipedalic hogs without. Young Squeal, however, behaved
himself just like a pig in a parlour—he sneaked with
a tight-twisted tail and a vulgar grunt under the grand
bridal sofa: and thence, I forget how, he was unceremoniously
turned out among his former friends, where he felt
himself more at home.

Virginia and Kentucky blood was now approaching the
boiling point; and a rush was made by some of us towards
the door—but there Dr. Sylvan had, with great wisdom,

already taken post to prevent if possible, either ingress or
egress. Still the door could not be kept wholly closed;
and we thus caught glimpses of performers mounted on the
backs of performers—the super-human ones being large
four-footed hogs, which were held on human backs, by
their front legs, advanced hugging fashion, each side a
human neck! As the rational creatures capered up and
down with their riders, those irrational ones, in terror and
fierce indignation, were sending forth those long, woful,
keen, nerve-shaking appeals for release, that we in simplicity
had till now imagined masterly imitations of some
squeaking even better than piggy himself! Nothing like
the true hog after all!

Meanwhile, two thus doing piggy-back in reverse order,
had gradually advanced to the door; when the horse-pig
essayed to force a wider aperture, intending to incline forward
and thus allow the mounted animal to leap into the
entry, and thence into the dining room to upset and demolish
the table with its goodies and silver. But no sooner
had the hog-ridden serenader thrust his hand into the aperture
than Dr. S. aided by Harwood, forced the door against
the member, and so held the gentleman that he cried out
not wholly unlike Mr. Snout but a moment before on his
back, yet now let fall! It is wonderful how hard a fellow
can pull when his hand is thus caught! Why, spite of all
the force against him, he did jerk his hand out—and left
nothing behind except the skin of a thumb with a nail attached!—a
scalp for the victors!

At the instant word came to the author, that his darling
little girl had gone into fits from fright! And when I beheld
the blood gushing from her nose, and her face pale
and death-like—* * *—yes, I rushed out bare-headed
and weaponless, followed by a few bold friends with lights,
Dr. S. having left the door to attend to the babe! Our design
was to catch some in the act of riot, and make them answer

at a legal tribunal. Aware of this, the rabble fled as our
lights advanced: but soon rallying in a dark corner, they
began to salute us with groans, hisses and stones--and
then rose the cry, “Knock 'em down!—drag the big-bug
yankees through the creek!” And so our situation was
momentarily becoming more and more critical, when a
well-known voice thus arose in our behalf:—

“Bust my rifle!—if I'm goin to stand by and see that
ither, I say, or my name's not Ned Stanley—no! no! I
tell'd you to put off a hour ago, when me and Domore
kim up, arter they give us the fust dram. Them folks ain't
to my idee, no how, but they've got rites as well as the
best on us—and I ain't agoin for to see 'em trampled on no
furthur no how. I say Bob Carltin's a powerful clever
feller, arter all, albeit he's thick with big-bugs—and, bust
my rifle, if any man knocks him down to-night, or drags
him in the water, till he tries hisself fust on Ned Stanley!”

“Them's my idees, Ned,”—responded the well known
voice of Domore,—“and it tain't us Woodill fellers no
how, what's carried it so fur—its them darn'd blasted chaps
from the Licks and Nobs. And I'm not goin ither to go
agin a man what was with us in Bill's cave—and if that
leetle gal a hissin is gone in a fit, I'm most powerful teetotal
sorry I had any thing to do with the fun any how.
Come, come, darn my leggins, let's make ourselves skerse
—come, fellers, let's be off!”

Mobs, like other flocks and herds, follow their leaders
by instinct. After all Virgil's poetical great man's power
to smoothe down popular swells, this night showed he could
have done nothing that way in the Purchase[9] For though
the grave and reverend Clarence was with us, no subsidence
in the boiling sea was visible, till Ned and Domore

rose in their majesty; and while two or more schoolmasters
were abroad in the land that night, the quelling of riot
and preventing of violence and bloodshed, was by radical
leaders destitute of learning and gravity, but full of courage,
manly feeling and muscular power!

Man may be known from books, but men and boys are
different matters; and the phases of the genus Homo in
the Purchase were then different from the phases elsewhere.
Even a genuine Hoosier mob is totally unlike a
scum mob in an Atlantic city: generosity may be found in
the former, none in the latter. The first loves rather the
fun, the latter, the plunder and blood, of a riot. Fear of
the military scatters the city mob, an appeal to manliness
disperses the Hoosier one.

Our retreat was left, of course, unimpeded; nor was the
annoyance renewed. Yet the spirit of frolic was up; and
aided by the spirit of the still. Hence, away rolled the tumult
to the forest; where the prowling panther and other
denizens of the lairs, were appalled by a tempest of sounds,
such as never before had disturbed the solemnities of the
grand old shades. And the orgies of the drunken-god
were celebrated as in primitive times, when Orpheus was
hired to lead home the raving wives and daughters of his
townsmen.

Next day, Dr. Sylvan and others dreading future results
of the Shíver-ree made inquisition for leading rioters. None,
of course, could be identified, save the man without the
thumb-skin; and he, taking the alarm, became “so skerse”
as never again to be seen in Woodville. For a while,
therefore, the Shíver-ree was disused; but by degrees it
was again introduced, and when we left the Purchase it
was there as popular and noisy as ever.