University of Virginia Library

52. CHAPTER LII.

A general truce and cessation of arms had taken place,
and our Faculty began to drill the quiescent pupils for a
grand exhibition to come off this fall.

This was to be, as is everywhere usual, of speeches,
debates and compositions. Amendments may be necessary;
but all experience and reason itself favour generous
emulation and honest rivalry in schools; and nothing better
prepares for the stormy conflicts of life than the literary
sham fights of college societies. It is preposterous to
train children for a world of romance, or for a state possible,
IF all were good. Beside, manly competition is intrinsically
right; and is promotive of many virtues—and
all ought early to be inured to arduous and noble contests
for masteries. The opposite doctrine is hateful for its puling
effeminacy; and at war with our nature (as God made
it,) and with the Scriptures. Thus thought our Faculty;
and so they acted—although evils incident to their course,
as to all other excellences in this life, were not wanting.

In due time then, came the week of examinations and
exhibition; and all was turned into bustle and merriment
in fitting our Court-house for the great occasion!

How joyous such times to boys—ay to men who retain
the fresh and healthy feelings of boyhood! But to our
half-reclaimed young savages—oh! it was a time of exu

berant joy in all its phases of fun, frolic, raillery, joke, and
expectation!

And soon all Woodville caught the infection; and all
were desirous of sharing the work and speculating on its
progress. As for Carlton, he could not “tend store;”
and so leaving his boys to sell what they could, and devour
the remnant of the raisins and candy, away went our dignified
author, and soon contrived to be elected by the boys
Grand Master of Ceremonies in general, and Stage Fixings
in particular! Then what a hauling of boards, and planks!
What a streaming over to the Court-house of rag-carpets,
and calico window curtains! Oh! the clatter of candlesticks!—the
pitching of these and other articles on pounds
of tallow candles done up in brown paper and tow strings!
Gemini! the thundering of plank a-throwing down from
two boys' shoulders, or a-upsetting from a cart! Cancer!
the whacking! the pounding and nailing! the sawing and
hammering and jerking! the talking! laughing! screeching!
tearing! stamping! quizzing! It was a glorious
chaos!

Soon, however, from confusion, came order; and in less
than two whole days, all was ready! a short time considering;
for though we were thirty persons, only half worked,
the rest being occupied in making the fun and hindering.

The work was, first, the stage. This was erected between
the doors of entrance into the court-room and opposite
the forum or judges' seat—that honourable place being
transformed into an orchestra, our music being to be three
fiddles and one triangle. The stage-floor was spread with
rag-carpets, and the boxing of the stairs ascending each
from a door to the second story[4] was adorned with calico
curtains tastefully festooned—the special performance of
some young ladies just returned from being finished in a

boarding school of the far East! Front of the stage, in a
row were candles in appropriate stands; the tallest candles
at the ends, and the shortest in the centre, thus presenting
a graceful curve of light! And all the stands were decorated
with fancy papers curled and cut and frissled most
fantastically;—the work of Miss Emily Glenville's boarding-school
misses!

Under the calico festooning stood Windsor chairs for the
Faculty and the two rival societies! And near Professor
Harwood's seat, was a cow-bell of a very soft and mournful
voice, whose use was to ring out signals for the fiddles
and the triangle—not a classic signal truly, yet one to
which our musicians were accustomed, and not wholly at
variance with the harmonies produced. Indeed, even to
our own cultivated ears never came sounds so delicious as
those of a cow-bell, which once ravished me with its sudden
tinkle when lost in the woods! Hence as associations
like utilities render things pleasant, our cow-bell signal
was not unacceptable to our woodsmen. It was, also, a
peculiar link connecting rough and softened life; and it
forcibly reminded us of the milk of human kindness!

Our seats. These were of doubled planks, resting on
joist, logs, benches, or other planks placed edgeways. Of
these, not one cracked, split, or tumbled over during the
exhibition: hence, considering their loads and the stamping
they endured in the applauses,—and every thing was
applauded,—we have proof that our work was well done,
if not expeditiously.

On the evening preceding the exhibition, the Rev. Principal
Clarence entered my store to obtain a pair of pumps,
wishing to tread the stage in elastic style; and nothing so
conduces to this ease and grace as a handsome stocking
and a becoming shoe. Yet, in vain, was every drawer,
trunk, or box containing either shoe or shoe-leather rummaged
and re-rummaged, no pump turned up: and the gentleman

was about to withdraw and make up his mind to
walk the boards in a shapeless two-soled pair of calf-skin
boots. But just then I had mechanically opened a drawer
of female shoes; when some very large and coarse moroccos
appeared, with straps to be joined by a steel buckle, and
Clarence exclaimed:—

“Stop! Carlton, the very thing!”

“Where?”

“Why, those machines of the softer sex.”

“Ha! ha! he!—what! wear a woman's shoe?”

“Certainly—if I can find any small enough—”

“Buckle and all?”

“Oh! no: my wife will razee the straps, and then the
affairs will look masculine enough; and we can tie them
with ribbon, pump-fashion.”

“That will answer, I do believe: sit down and try.”

A pair was selected, yet perversely bent on spreading
sideways, when pressed with the foot; but that tendency,
it was hoped, would be corrected by the new mode of tieing:
and hence the man of learning departed with his
bargain. That night the shoes were cropped; and the
Principal, by way of rehearsal, was walking in them in his
parlour, when in came several senior pupils to make some
inquiry about the exhibition. In a moment the transmuted
articles caught their eyes, and so captivated their fancy
that they must ask whence were procured shoes so light
and tasteful? On learning, and being taught how the sex
could be so readily changed, off set they for my store:
and the consequence was, that soon all the students came
for morocco non-descripts, and we sold during the next
day about thirty pairs! Hence I became a more decided
friend of the college than ever. Yes, academies are useful!
I cleared by this one speculation just thirty dollars! True,
I lost about five dollars by not charging the usual New
Purchase per centage: but then we must sacrifice something

for the advancement of learning, and virtue is not
always profitable!

The grand evening came at last: and long ere candle
light, our young gentlemen—(gentlemen, surely, when about
to speak in ladies' shoes)—could be seen running into and
out of and around the court-house, busy as bees, and with
sundry bundles and packages. For, rain being threatened,
it had been concluded to dress and put on the fine shoes
up stairs, one society occupying the jury room, the other
the council chamber.

Finally, the signal for assembling was given by the school
bell, half a mile distant, and by a tin horn in the centre of
Woodville, being the sacred trumpet lately blown to convoke
us to the exhibitions at the camp-meeting: and then
in rushed all Woodville to fill the vacant seats. But strange!
the vacant seats had been filled an hour before; enough
girls and young ladies having been smuggled in by the
gallant students and a few Woodville bucks. And among
the number there sat the ladies of the Professors' families
—and all the girls of Miss Glenville's establishment—and
that important personage herself—and Mrs. Carlton—and
even Aunt Kitty Littleton herself, done up in a bran new
crimped cap and pink ribbon!

As to Mr. Carlton, in consideration of his superintendance
and his musical penchant, he was honoured with a
windsor chair in the orchestra, and adjacent to the fiddles
and triangles! Indeed, Dan Scrape had invited Mr. C. to
play: although the honour had been declined, first, because
J. Glenville, who had borrowed our flute and fiddle, had
come over to the exhibition and forgotten to bring back the
instruments!—(sub rosa, he left them behind purposely)—
secondly, Mr. C. could not play any instruments but his
own; and thirdly, Mr. C. was afraid, as he had never practiced
with Dan, that he could not “keep up,” and so on. When
we and the fiddles and triangles entered a little late and

through a back window, behold! a dozen of the “rabble”
were crowded into our sacred enclosure!—(Notice here,
in public places all that cannot get into seats are rabble.)
However, after I had squeezed into my windsor chair, along
side the leading fiddle, Dan whispered for my consolation,
and with a smile and a wink—“Never-a mind, Mister
Carltin, we'll fix it afore long.”

As if by magic, at a private signal, forth blazed the
candles in front of the stage; and some two dozen others
stuck to the walls by double pronged forks: and then to us
was displayed the whole audience, and to them the stage
and its fixins. In some points this audience was similar to
others; but it contained more gems in unpolished and dull
caskets than some eastern congregations. Hoosiers, Woolverines,
Buckeyes, and the like, were present, and of the
most unbrushed, unpomatumed, unadulterated sorts—purer
than are there now: for, like the red aborigines, the white
and brown sorts are fast disappearing! Poor fellows! that
very night they witnessed the entrance of what would become
their ruin!

Unused to the glory of polished candlesticks, and cut and
frizzled papers, all eyes momentarily gazed upon the stage
in silent wonder! In the next instant, and with one consent,
burst such a hurrah, as cracked the ears of the groundlings—yea!
shook the glass in the windows! It did seem
the very walls would be split! Nor was it a mere hurrah;
for many an Indian fighter was present that night; and these
sent out such yells and war cries as made one instinctively
clap his hand to his head to ascertain if the scalp
was safe!

Following the uproar came the modest buzz of individual
wonderments and critiques, such as:—“Look at that yallur
one, Joe!”—“Most powerful shiney them are!”—“Ain't
them are red things rity-dity poseys?—“Law! no Dick,
them's paper fixins!”—“Well, I never?”—“I say, Jake,

ain't them danglins up there like Carltin's ole woman's
curtins!”—“Pick my flint!”—“Darn my leggins—its powerful
big-buggy!”—“How'd them lite so quick?”—“Dipt
in tarpentine—don't you smell it?” But in the midst appeared
descending, the rival societies, each by separate
stairs: each headed by a Professor; and entering simultaneously
each at oppposite parts of the stage! And when
all were seated, the Faculty in the centre, and the students
right and left, the smallest next and the largest at the extremities;
all in new suits of store cloth, and with appropriate
badges gracefully inserted through button holes, and
waving triumphantly from their arms also; all in starched
collars and black neck ribbons; and all in female slippers,
and so altered as to pass for males—the yells of greeting
were absolutely terrific!

Professor Harwood was now seen shaking the cow bell:
but though its mellow tinkle was inaudible, the fiddles and
triangles, seeing the pendulum motion, knew what was
needed: and hence they essayed to strike up Hail Columbia!
Still nothing of a tune could be heard; although
from the bewildering activity of bows and elbows, it was
manifest something nice was doing; till by dint of sight in
some, and bawlings out of “Silence!” by others, the audience
in the pit became quiescent. In the interm, we of the
orchestra began to have more room: for most of the rabble
near the fiddlers, especially near Dan, the Primo, had got
hints to make room, in the form of hits, some in the stomach,
some in the face and eyes, and some under the lugs—all of
course naturally required by the laws of motion and melody!
Indeed, it was plain enough that there was more
danger in standing so near good fiddlers than folks had ever
imagined! And, therefore, our uninvited soon compressed
into one corner; and from a sincere wish not to incommode
the music! And thus, by the kindness of Dan, whose
wink and smile were now understood and his mode of

“fixin it,” I enjoyed my windsor chair in ampler space; at
least while tunes were executed.

For this kindness, and because our executioners were so
essential to the exhibition, we shall hand them down in history—they
shall be immortalized!

Dan Scrape, the fiddle primo, was by far the prince of
the New Purchase catgut and horsehair men. Like Paganini,
he could play on one string, if not an entire tune, yet
parts of nearly two dozen tunes—his whole stock! And
like that maestro, he played without notes, and with endless
variations and embellishments! Ay! and he played no
worse on one shift or position than another! Still, Dan
differed from the Italian in some things; for instance, he
held his fiddle against his breast, (perhaps out of affection,)
and his bow in the middle, and like a cart-whip;
things enabling him, however, the more effectually to flog
his instrument when rebellious; and the afflicted creature
would scream right out in agony! Indeed his Scremonah
bore marks of premature old age—its finger-board being indented
with little pits, and its stomach, (vulgarly, in the East,
the belly,) was frightfully incrusted with rosin and other
gummy things, till it looked as dark and care-worn as Methusaleh!
Dan was, truly, no niggard of “rosum,” for he
“greased,” as he termed it, between his tunes every time!
and then at his first few vigorous jerks, fell a shower of
dust on the agitated bosom of his instrument, calling out in
vain for mercy under the cruel punishment!

Dan's main difference from Paganini was in using his
left hand to bow. And yet this better enabled him to make
room; for persons going to the left for safety, met the accidental
hits where lest expected,—like Ehud, who not noticing
the left hand of Shamgar, got what English bullies
call his gruel, from the wrong quarter!

Let us not, however, do Dan injustice. He certainly
did, out of benevolence, administer some wilful and hard

blows, and yet keep an unconscious phiz; but when Dan
was fairly possessed with the spirit of fiddling, he never
even dreamed he had an elbow! Then his arm was all
elbow! The way it jumped up and down! and darted
back and forth!—the velocity was too dizzy to look at!
But then, if a spectator valued his eyes, let him stand clear
of the bow's end!—not the point, that was always safe
enough on the strings—but the heel or slide end, which
never visiting the fiddle, was ever flourishing about almost
invisible, with reckless indifference and the force of a bullet!
In truth, Dan always fiddled like a race-horse; and
if he got one bar's start, I defy any body to have ever over-taken
him! But some favourite tunes he played like a tornado;
such as “the Irish Washerwoman,”—and above all,
that satanic rondo, “the D. among the T's. And I know
this is not exaggeration; for once on my asking Hunting
Shirt Andy, who was a good judge, what he thought of
Dan's playing, he unhesitating declared that “Dan Scrape
played the fiddle like the very devil!”

The second fiddle was a pupil of Dan's. And the master
had evidently taken great pains with his—finger-board,
it being crossed with white paint to guide the pupil's fingers,
who still usually hit wide of the mark in his haste to
overtake his teacher! He is called second fiddle, not because
he did alto or tenor, but because he was usually behind
the first fiddle in time; nay, he was sometimes so
utterly lost, that Dan would tell him to stop, and “start in
when the tune kim round agin!”

Some may think these defects made discords; but then
this was compensated by the two fiddles never being tuned
alike, accuracy of stop being thus rendered less important;
and above all, because the exquisite triangle completely
obliterated, filled up, and jingled into one all mistakes, vacancies,
and discords!

I shall only further remark, that the professor of the triangle

was actually self-taught! and yet he could outjingle
any thing of the sort I ever heard, even if aided by the
cymbals and musical bells!

“But what of the third fiddle?”

Let Dan answer, who, after the execution of Hail Columbia,
thus whispered me:—“Tim Scratch know'd better
nor to come! he's not sick no how—it's all possum! He's
no fiddler! I kin out fiddle him if he lives for ever and a
day longer—and plays on Sundays!”

And so it was: and neither Mr. Carlton nor any other
man who values reputation ought to play with Dan Scrape.

The Reverend Principal Clarence now arose, and in
pumps and silk stockings advanced and made something
like the following address:—

“Ladies and gentlemen”—(a kind of don't-gentleman-me-look
of certain hearers, made him add)—“and my respected
fellow-citizens, we rejoice to meet so large an
assembly and so full of good spirits, come to attend our first
exhibition. It is natural you should be here: it is your
own school, and these are your own sons and relatives, who
are now to show before you their improvement to-night.
We are here, fellow-citizens, to witness what Western
boys can do; and let me say, that while far from perfection,
our boys, if not embarrassed, will not disgrace our
wooden country. We say embarrassed; for any confusion
or noise accidentally made by our respected fellow citizens
present, in time of a speech or other exercise, will hinder
our unpractised speakers from doing themselves justice.
We depend, of course, on the honour of our hearers, not
giving any order on the subject, or making even a request,
as is often necessary in the East; because here, in the free
West, where all do as they please, Backwoodsmen naturally
behave according to the maxims of good sense.”—
(“Bust my rifle! if that ain't the truth,” interrupted Ned,—
“we'll show 'em how to behave, Mr. Fakilty!”)—“Just as

I said, stranger,”—resumed Clarence—“and, therefore,
we shall say no more, but will instantly proceed with the
exercises.”

This was ferociously clapped and stamped; and then the
exercises proceeded, the cow bell being duly rung, first for
the music to begin and then for it to cease. In the latter
case the bell owed its efficiency to Mr. Carlton, as Dan was
always more ready to begin than to finish a tune. And
hence, and as the orchestra was louder than the bell, we went
by sight; but Dan never could see the wag of the bell, till
Mr. C. gave him a hunch on the off-side; and then his Scremonah
hushed up, like a cholicy child that had screeched
itself to sleep! Had Mr. Carlton been on the bow-side, he
must have poked Dan with a stick, or met something tragical;
but like the fox in æsop, he had learned from the hits
of others.

It is unnecessary to detail the events of that memorable
night. All the students were applauded; and not a few
with the admixture of Indian yells, so like the savage-savage,
that the animals could, like the ass-lion, be detected only by
the skin! Certain speeches, too, political in their nature,
and admirably delivered, caused the audience to lose sight
of the exhibition, and hurrah for Jackson or Clay as on the
election ground. And these speakers, with one exception,
became politicians, and are even yet, most of them, figuring
before the world. The people generally behaved as Ned
Stanley, (our friend Rifle-Bust) promised, and as Western
folks always do behave, if one shows a disposition to conciliate
and will employ a little innocent flattery; not that they
are deceived by such, but that they take it as a sign of your
desiring to please and put them on honour.

Let, however, a self-complacent gentleman, full of city
importance and strut essay, in a dictatorial way, to manage
a free and wild assembly in the world of woods and prairies
—and if he is not shut up in a manner that shall clean

wipe the conceit out of him, then is my opinion a mistake.
He may order a hackman, or a porter, or a quill-driver, or
a sawyer—but if he dare order freemen of the forests and
the meadows, they will ride him on a rail; and, in spite
of his stocks, brick houses, fine equipage, whiskers and
curled hair!

The speeches, excepting a few humourous ones, were
all original; and equal to the best in our schools and colleges
concocted from the living and the dead. Generally
the young men of a New Purchase are superior to the
young gentlemen of old settlements, in both scholarship
and elocution; and for the following reasons:

1. The young men come to learning as a novelty. It is
opposite to the monotony of woods, cabins, pork, corn, and
axes. Hence nothing exceeds their interest and curiosity;
and it is long, under a judicious teacher, before the novelty
ceases; and afterwards the habit of hard studying supplies
the place.

2. The young men regard learning as the lever to elevate
them—or by which the New World may cope more
fairly with the Old. Hence, day and night, they work
vi et armis at the machine; until they even get higher
than the young gentlemen who work lazily and feebly.

3. The young men have more energy than the young
gentlemen; and this directed by enthusiastic masters in
learning produces great results.

4. New Purchases have few temptations to idleness
and dissipation. Indeed, as war among the Spartans, so
Colleges there are to the young men recreations, and more
delightful than anything else.

5. Ten dollars a year—the tuition fee—was too hard
for our young men to obtain, lightly to be squandered.
And ten dollars with us would buy ten acres nearly; hence
they who value land as a great earthly good, spend not a
small farm once a year for the privilege of being idle.

Young gentlemen often waste two such a year on sugar
candy!

6. Young men are inquisitive like yankees; and hence,
they ask endless questions not contained in Parley-books.
And by this method of torturing professors, more is often
extracted than by torturing nature.

7. Young men out there are in more immediate contact
with professors; hence, if the professors be themselves
men, the advantages of the old Roman way of education
may be combined with the modern ways.

We have seven more reasons, which, however, we shall
not inflict in the First edition; but to fortify the seven and
to conclude the exhibition, we shall present minute accounts
of two young men, who were among our stars. And as
these stars still shine, the one fixed, the other wandering,
in the political firmament, we may only designate them as
the George and the Henry.

George possessed not uncommon talents; unless perseverance
be a talent, and that he did possess in so great a
degree as to make it a substitute for genius. He is our
fixed star. Many knew of his untiring patience and plodding
diligence, and were impressed with a belief he would,
after all, make something; but none expected him to shine
forth to night a star of the first magnitude. Not only was
he great compared with himself, but with all others; and
his composition on the life, character, and writings of Cicero
was admirably written and most happily spoken. I was
myself amazed, fired, captivated, and even instructed; and,
after the exercises ended, I sought him, for he was one
of my favourites, and said:

“Why George! you did nobly! surely that composition
cost you no small labour?”

“Thank you, Mr. Carlton. As to the piece—(I have
no desire to pass for a genius)—it did cost me thought and
labour—I carefully studied and re-wrote it thirty-six times.”

Well! that was one young Man. The other, Henry,
although never among my favourites, will even more forcibly
sustain our reasons. In a pecuniary sense, he was a
poor boy even for the Purchase; and lived, in homely
phrase, from hand to mouth. Indeed the loss of a day's
job, made his mouth that day debtor for its food; and hand,
on the next occasion, did double duty. He was, however,
rich in expedient, and hesitated at no job, odd or even;
although, it is to be regretted, he did not sometimes refuse
employments not strictly honourable. And yet even that
may be palliated. But no apology can ever atone for his
occasional ingratitude and even positive injury to benefactors,
when a few dollars were the price gained by his desertion
of duty and honour.

No sooner, however, had the Seminary been organized,
than Henry determined to obtain a good education. He
had credit enough to procure some decent clothes and necessary
books; but as five dollars, cash, and in advance,
were to be paid to our Treasurer, Henry was forced to look
for a few lucrative jobs; and hence, he one morning presented
himself at my store and commenced:

“Well, Mr. Carlton, I've got books and clothes; but
I've no silver to pay the session-bill—kin you give a feller
no job what will bring silver?”

“Really, Henry, I don't know that I can;—but stay!
we've lost our cow—will you take half a dollar a day in
cash to look her up?”

“Ay! will I;—when did she put out?—what kind of
a crittur is she?—which way, think she went? &c., &c.”

Satisfied as far as possible in his inquiries, away went
the lad to the woods. At the end of two days he came
back, cowless, indeed, but after a painful search through
thickets, along creeks, and over hills; and during which,
he had camped out alone in the night. Our hero had thus
one dollar of the tuition fee.

About this time we had ceased from digging a well,
after finding no water at twenty-five feet; although we had
employed a great hazel-wizzard; and his rod had repeatedly
turned down over the spot, and that so hard as to twist
off a little of the bark. Even the diviner was quite at a
loss to account for the failure; insisting yet the water
must be lower, as “his rod never twisted so powerful
arnest if they want water somewhere!”

Now Henry was of the same opinion; and, therefore,
bringing Mr. Hum, the wizzard (or witch, there so called)
to me, the two prevailed on me to go only four feet lower
—Henry undertaking the job at fifty cents per foot! I
had supposed the boy would have a comrade to work his
windlass; but no, down went Henry alone with the necessary
implements; and after digging, and breaking, and prying,
and shovelling, up the ladder he came, let down his empty
bucket, descended, filled the bucket, reascended, wound up
his load, and so on, till he had cleared out “his diggins!”
And away he went again to work with hammer and sledge,
bar, spade, shovel, and bucket; till, within a week, our
well was four feet deeper and Henry two dollars richer!
But although water was “somewhere,” it had not risen in
our part of the world;—the bottom of the pit was still as
dry and comfortable as an oven!

Our hero in similar ways procured the other two cash
dollars; and by the aid of some student's mastering in private
several elementary studies, he was, at the opening of
the next session, matriculated as something more than a
Freshman. And now, while attending his regular studies,
he still by jobbing maintained his mouth and laid by a few
dollars for books and future tuition fees. He contrived
even to be appointed sub-deputy librarian of the Woodville
Library, adding thus to his information and funds; and, as
if all this were not enough, he one day waited on Mr.
Clarence to ask if the school-laws would permit him to
study law and remain a student!

“Study law!—Henry?”—said Clarence.

“Yes, sir; lawyer Cravings will find me books; and
thinks in a year or two I can plead before magistrates. If
it is not against the laws —”

“Why, certainly we have no law against that; such a
case was never imagined as probable or possible. Do,
however, not neglect your regular college studies, and then,
it is nobody's business what else you may study or learn.”

Our young man, sure enough, went to work at the law,
Hooser-fashion indeed, and still attended well to his regular
studies; and in two weeks before the exhibition, he did
actually defend and win a cause before Squire Snab, and
against and from the redoubtable lawyer Cravings himself
—and, with the contingent fee, he paid our treasurer the
tuition price of the next term!

Very good, young gentlemen! laugh at all this if you
please. But had you heard Henry, ranking now about
Sophomore, deliver at the exhibition, his Speech on Man,
you would have offered, as is usual in here, a price for it,
in view of your Senior Speech! Come! I will bet you
two dozen racoon skins against a pair of kid gloves, or
even a pot of cold cream, that if you wrote your own speech,
when you were graduated, it was not as good as his!