University of Virginia Library

6. CHAP VI.

For some time however, the worthy politicians
of New Amsterdam, who had thus conceived the
sublime project of saving the nation, were very
much perplexed by dissentions, and strange contrariety
of opinions among themselves, so that they
were often thrown into the most chaotic uproar and
confusion, and all for the simple want of party classification.
Now it is a fact well known to your experienced
politicians, that it is equally necessary to
have a distinct classification and nomenclature in
politics, as in the physical sciences. By this means
the several orders of patriots, with their breedings
and cross breedings, their affinities and varieties
may be properly distinguished and known. Thus
have arisen in different quarters of the world the
generic titles of Guelfs and Ghibbelins—Round
heads and Cavaliers—Big endians and Little endians
—Whig and Tory—Aristocrat and Democrat—
Republican and Jacobin—Federalist and Antifederalist,
together with a certain mongrel party called
Quid; which seems to have been engendered between

the two last mentioned parties, as a mule is
produced between an horse and an ass—and like a
mule it seems incapable of procreation, fit only for
humble drudgery, doomed to bear successively the
burthen of father and mother, and to be cudgelled
soundly for its pains.

The important benefit of these distinctions is
obvious. How many very strenuous and hard
working patriots are there, whose knowledge is
bounded by the political vocabulary, and who,
were they not thus arranged in parties would never
know their own minds, or which way to think on a
subject; so that by following their own common
sense the community might often fall into that
unanimity, which has been clearly proved, by many
excellent writers, to be fatal to the welfare of a
republick. Often have I seen a very well meaning
hero of seventy six, most horribly puzzled to make
up his opinion about certain men and measures,
and running a great risk of thinking right; until
all at once he resolved his doubts by resorting to
the old touch stone of Whig and Tory; which
titles, though they bear about as near an affinity to
the present parties in being, as do the robustious
statues of Gog and Magog, to the worthy London
Aldermen, who devour turtle under their auspices
at Guild-Hall; yet are they used on all occasions
by the sovereign people, as a pair of spectacles,
through which they are miraculously enabled to see

beyond their own noses, and to distinguish a hawk
from a hand saw, or an owl from a buzzard!

Well, was it recorded in holy writ, "the horse
knoweth his rider, and the ass his master's crib,"
for when the sovereign people are thus harnessed
out, and properly yoked together, it is delectable to
behold with what system and harmony they jog onward,
trudging through the mud and mire, obeying the
commands of their drivers, and dragging the scurvy
dung carts of faction at their heels. How many
a patriotic member of congress have I known, loyally
disposed to adhere to his party through thick
and think but who would often, from sheer ignorance,
or the dictates of conscience and common sense,
have stumbled into the ranks of his adversaries, and
advocated the opposite side of the question, had not
the parties been thus broadly designated by generic
titles.

The wise people of New Amsterdam therefore,
after for some time enduring the evils of confusion,
at length,
like honest dutchmen as they were, soberly
settled down into two distinct parties, known
by the name of Square head and Platter breech--
the former implying that the bearer was deficient in
that rotundity of pericranium, which was considered
as a token of true genius--the latter, that he was
destitute of genuine courage, or good bottom, as it
has since been technically termed--and I defy all

the politicians of this great city to shew me where
any two parties of the present day, have split upon
more important and fundamental points.

These names, to tell the honest truth—and I
scorn to tell any thing else—were not the mere progeny
of whim or accident, as were those of Ten
Breeches and Tough Breeches, in the days of yore,
but took their origin in recondite and scientific deductions
of certain Dutch philosophers. In a word,
they were the dogmas or elementary principia
of those ingenious systems since supported in the
physiognomical tracts of Lavater, who gravely measures
intellect by the length of a nose, or detects it
lurking in the curve of a lip, or the arch of an eye-brow—The
craniology of Dr. Gall, who has found
out the encampments and strong holds of the virtues
and vices, passions and habits among the protuberances
of the skull, and proves that your whorson
jobbernowl, is your true skull of genius—The
Linea Fascialis of Dr. Petrus Camper, anatomical
professor in the college of Amsterdam, which regulates
every thing by the relative position of the
upper and lower jaw; shewing the ancient opinion
to be correct that the owl is the wisest of animals,
and that a pancake face is an unfailing index of
talents, and a true model of beauty—and finally,
the breechology of professor Higgenbottom, which
teaches the surprizing and intimate connection between

the seat of honour, and the seat of intellect—
a doctrine supported by experiments of pedagogues
in all ages, who have found that applications a parte
poste, are marvellously efficacious in quickening the
perceptions of their scholars, and that the most expeditious
mode of instilling knowledge into their
heads, is to hammer it into their bottoms!

Thus then, the enlightened part of the inhabitants
of Nieuw Nederlandts, being comfortably arranged
into parties, went to work with might and
main to uphold the common wealth—assembling
together in separate beer-houses, and smoking at
each other with implacable animosity, to the great
support of the state, and emolument of the tavern-keepers.
Some indeed who were more zealous
than the rest went further, and began to bespatter
one another with numerous very hard names and
scandalous little words, to be found in the dutch
language; every partizan believing religiously that
he was serving his country, when he besmutted the
character, or damaged the pocket of a political adversary.
But however they might differ between
themselves, both parties agreed on one point, to cavil
at and condemn every measure of government
whether right or wrong; for as the governor was
by his station independent of their power, and was
not elected by their choice, and as he had not decided
in favour of either faction, neither of them

were interested in his success, or the prosperity of
the country while under his administration.

“Unhappy William Kieft!” exclaims the sage
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript,—doomed to
contend with enemies too knowing to be entrapped,
and to reign over people, too wise to be governed!
All his expeditions against his enemies were baffled
and set at naught, and all his measures for the
public safety, were cavilled at by the people.
Did he propose levying an efficient body of
troops for internal defence, the mob, that is to
say, those vagabond members of the community
who have nothing to lose, immediately took the
alarm, vociferated that their interests were in danger—that
a standing army was a legion of moths,
preying on the pockets of society; a rod of iron in
the hands of government; and that a government
with a military force at its command, would inevitably
swell into a despotism. Did he, as was but
too commonly the case, defer preparation until the
moment of emergency, and then hastily collect a
handful of undisciplined vagrants, the measure was
hooted at, as feeble and inadequate, as trifling with
the public dignity and safety, and as lavishing the
public funds on impotent enterprizes.—Did he resort
to the economic measure of proclamation, he
was laughed at by the Yankees, did he back it by
non-intercourse, it was evaded and counteracted by
his own subjects. Whichever way he turned himself

he was beleaguered and distracted by petitions
of “numerous and respectable meetings,” consisting
of some half a dozen scurvy pot-house politicians—all
of which he read, and what is worse, all
of which he attended to. The consequence was,
that by incessantly changing his measures, he gave
none of them a fair trial; and by listening to the
clamours of the mob and endeavouring to do every
thing, he in sober truth did nothing.

I would not have it supposed however, that he
took all these memorials and interferences good naturedly,
for such an idea would do injustice to his
valiant spirit; on the contrary he never received a
piece of advice in the whole course of his life, without
first getting into a passion with the giver. But
I have ever observed that your passionate little
men, like small boats with large sails, are the
easiest upset or blown out of their course; and this
is demonstrated by governor Kieft, who though
in temperament as hot as an old radish, and with
a mind, the territory of which was subjected to perpetual
whirl-winds and tornadoes, yet never failed
to be carried away by the last piece of advice that
was blown into his ear. Lucky was it for him
that his power was not dependant upon the greasy
multitude, and that as yet the populace did not
possess the important privilege of nominating their
chief magistrate. They, however, like a true mob,

did their best to help along public affairs; pestering
their governor incessantly, by goading him on with
harangues and petitions, and then thwarting his
fiery spirit with reproaches and memorials, like a
knot of sunday jockies, managing an unlucky devil
of a hack horse—so that Wilhelmus Kieft, may be
said to have been kept either on a worry or a
hand gallop, throughout the whole of his administration.