University of Virginia Library

2. CHAP. II.

Never was a more comprehensive, a more expeditious,
or, what is still better, a more economical
measure devised, than this of defeating the
Yankees by proclamation—an expedient, likewise,
so humane, so gentle and pacific; there were ten
chances to one in favour of its succeeding,—but
then there was one chance to ten that it would not
succeed—as the ill-natured fates would have it,
that single chance carried the day! The proclamation
was perfect in all its parts, well constructed,
well written, well sealed and well published—all
that was wanting to insure its effect, was that the
Yankees should stand in awe of it; but, provoking
to relate, they treated it with the most absolute
contempt, applied it to an unseemly purpose,
which shall be nameless, and thus did the first war-like
proclamation come to a shameful end—a fate
which I am credibly informed, has befallen but too
many of its successors.

It was a long time before Wilhelmus Kieft could
be persuaded by the united efforts of all his counsellors,
that his war measure had failed in producing
any effect.—On the contrary, he flew in a passion
whenever any one dared to question its efficacy;
and swore, that though it was slow in operating, yet
when once it began to work, it would soon purge
the land from these rapacious intruders. Time
however, that tester of all experiments both in philosophy
and politics, at length convinced the great
Kieft, that his proclamation was abortive; and that
notwithstanding he had waited nearly four years, in
a state of constant irritation, yet he was still further
off than ever from the object of his wishes. His
implacable adversaries in the east became more
and more troublesome in their encroachments, and
founded the thriving colony of Hartford close upon
the skirts of Fort Goed Hoop. They moreover commenced
the fair settlement of Newhaven (alias the
Red Hills) within the domains of their high mightinesses—while
the onion patches of Pyquag were
a continual eye sore to the garrison of Van Curlet.
Upon beholding therefore the inefficacy of his measure,
the sage Kieft like many a worthy practitioner
of physic, laid the blame, not to the medicine, but
the quantity administered, and resolutely resolved
to double the dose.

In the year 1638 therefore, that being the fourth
year of his reign, he fulminated against them a second

proclamation, of heavier metal than the former;
written in thundering long sentences, not one
word of which was under five syllables. This, in
fact, was a kind of non-intercourse bill, forbidding
and prohibiting all commerce and connexion, between
any and every of the said Yankee intruders,
and the said fortified post of Fort Goed Hoop, and
ordering, commanding and advising, all his trusty,
loyal and well-beloved subjects, to furnish them
with no supplies of gin, gingerbread or sour crout;
to buy none of their pacing horses, meazly pork,
apple brandy, Yankee rum, cyder water, apple
sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions or wooden bowls,
but to starve and exterminate them from the face of
the land.

Another pause of a twelve month ensued, during
which the last proclamation received the same
attention, and experienced the same fate as the
first—at the end of which term, the gallant Jacobus
Van Curlet dispatched his annual messenger, with
his customary budget of complaints and entreaties.
Whether the regular interval of a year, intervening
between the arrival of Van Curlet's couriers, was
occasioned by the systematic regularity of his
movements, or by the immense distance at which
he was stationed from the seat of government is a
matter of uncertainty. Some have ascribed it to
the slowness of his messengers, who, as I have before
noticed, were chosen from the shortest and fattest

of his garrison, as least likely to be worn out
on the road; and who, being pursy, short winded
little men, generally travelled fifteen miles a day,
and then laid by a whole week, to rest. All
these, however, are matters of conjecture; and I
rather think it may be ascribed to the immemorial
maxim of this worthy country—and which has ever
influenced all its public transactions—not to do
things in a hurry.

The gallant Jacobus Van Curlet in his dispatches
respectfully represented, that several years had
now elapsed, since his first application to his late
excellency, the renowned Wouter Van Twiller:
during which interval, his garrison had been reduced
nearly one-eighth, by the death of two of his
most valiant, and corpulent soldiers, who had accidentally
over eaten themselves on some fat salmon,
caught in the Varsche rivier. He further stated
that the enemy persisted in their inroads, taking no
notice of the fort or its inhabitants; but squatting
themselves down, and forming settlements all
around it; so that, in a little while, he should find
himself enclosed and blockaded by the enemy, and
totally at their mercy.

But among the most atrocious of his grievances,
I find the following still on record, which may
serve to shew the bloody minded outrages of these
savage intruders. “In the meane time, they of
Hartford have not onely usurped and taken in the

lands of Connecticott, although unrighteously and
against the lawes of nations, but have hindered our
nation in sowing theire owne purchased broken up
lands, but have also sowed them with corne in the
night, which the Netherlanders had broken up and
intended to sowe: and have beaten the servants of
the high and mighty the honored companie, which
were labouring upon theire master's lands, from
theire lands, with sticks and plow staves in hostile
manner laming, and amongst the rest, struck Ever
Duckings[1] a hole in his head, with a stick, soe that
the blood ran downe very strongly downe upon his
body!”

But what is still more atrocious—

“Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged
to the honored companie, under pretence that it had
eaten of theire grounde grass, when they had not
any foot of inheritance. They proferred the hogg
for 5s. if the commissioners would have given 5s.
for damage; which the commissioners denied, because
noe mans owne hogg (as men use to say) can
trespasse upon his owne master's grounde.”[2]

The receipt of this melancholy intelligence incensed
the whole community—there was something
in it that spoke to the dull comprehension, and

touched the obtuse feelings even of the puissant
vulgar, who generally require a kick in the rear, to
awaken their slumbering dignity. I have known
my profound fellow citizens bear without murmur,
a thousand essential infringements of their rights,
merely because they were not immediately obvious
to their senses—but the moment the unlucky Pearce
was shot upon our coasts, the whole body politic
was in a ferment—so the enlighted Nederlanders,
though they had treated the encroachments of their
eastern neighbours with but little regard, and left
their quill valiant governor, to bear the whole brunt
of war, with his single pen—yet now every individual
felt his head broken in the broken head of
Duckings—and the unhappy fate of their fellow
citizen the hog; being impressed, carried and sold
into captivity, awakened a grunt of sympathy from
every bosom.

The governor and council, goaded by the
clamours of the multitude, now set themselves earnestly
to deliberate upon what was to be done.
Proclamations had at length fallen into temporary
disrepute; some were for sending the Yankees a
tribute, as we make peace offerings to the petty
Barbary powers, or as the Indians sacrifice to
the devil. Others were for buying them out,
but this was opposed, as it would be acknowledging
their title to the land they had seized. A variety
of measures were, as usual in such cases, proposed,

discussed and abandoned, and the council had at
last, to adopt the means, which being the most
common and obvious, had been knowingly over-looked—for
your amazing acute politicians, are
forever looking through telescopes, which only
enable them to see such objects as are far off, and
unattainable; but which incapacitates them to see
such things as are in their reach, and obvious to all
simple folk, who are content to look with the naked
eyes, heaven has given them. The profound council,
as I have said, in their pursuit after Jack-o'-lanterns,
accidentally stumbled on the very measure they
were in need of; which was to raise a body of
troops, and dispatch them to the relief and reinforcement
of the garrison. This measure was
carried into such prompt operation, that in less
than twelve months, the whole expedition, consisting
of a serjeant and twelve men, was ready to
march; and was reviewed for that purpose, in the
public square, now known by the name of the Bowling
Green. Just at this juncture the whole community
was thrown into consternation, by the sudden
arrival of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet; who
came straggling into town at the head of his crew
of tatterdemalions, and bringing the melancholy
tidings of his own defeat, and the capture of the
redoubtable post of Fort Goed Hope by the ferocious
Yankees.

The fate of this important fortress, is an impressive

warning to all military commanders. It was
neither carried by strom, nor famine; no practicable
breach was effected by cannon or mines; no magazines
were blown up by red hot shot, nor were the
barracks demolished, or the garrison destroyed, by
the bursting of bombshells. In fact, the place was
taken by a stratagem no less singular than effectual;
and one that can never fail of success, whenever
an opportunity occurs of putting it in practice.
Happy am I to add, for the credit of our illustrious
ancestors, that it was a stratagem, which though it
impeached the vigilance, yet left the bravery of the
intrepid Van Curlet and his garrison, perfectly free
from reproach.

It appears that the crafty Yankees, having learned
the regular habits of the garrison, watched a
favourable opportunity and silently introduced
themselves into the fort, about the middle of a
sultry day; when its vigilant defenders having
gorged themselves with a hearty dinner and smoaked
out their pipes, were one and all snoring most
obstreperously at their posts; little dreaming of so
disasterous an occurrence. The enemy most inhumanly
seized Jacobus Van Curlet, and his sturdy
myrmidons by the nape of the neck, gallanted them
to the gate of the fort, and dismissed them severally,
with a kick on the crupper, as Charles the twelfth
dismissed the heavy bottomed Russians, after the

battle of Narva—only taking care to give two kicks
to Van Curlet, as a signal mark of distinction.

A strong garrison was immediately established
in the fort; consisting of twenty long sided, hard
fisted Yankees; with Weathersfield onions stuck
in their hats, by way of cockades and feathers—
long rusty fowling pieces for muskets—hasty pudding,
dumb fish, pork and molasses for stores; and
a huge pumpkin was hoisted on the end of a pole,
as a standard—liberty caps not having as yet come
into fashion.