She wou'd if She cou'd A Comedy. Acted at His Highness the Duke of York's Theater. Written by George Etherege |
 | 1. | ACT I. |
| 2. |
| 3. |
| 4. |
 | 5. |
| 1. |
 | She wou'd if She cou'd |  |
1
ACT I.
SCENE I.
A Dining-Room.Enter Courtal and Freeman, and a Servant brushing Courtal.
Court.
So, so, 'tis well; let the Coach be made ready.
Serv.
It shall, Sir.
[Ex. Servant.
Court.
Well, Franck, what is to be done to day?
Free.
'Faith, I think we must e'en follow the old
Trade, eat well, and prepare our selves with
A Bottle or two of good Burgundy, that our
Old acquaintance may look lovely in our Eyes:
For, for ought as I see, there is no hopes of new.
Court.
Well! this is grown a wicked Town, it was
Otherwise in my memory; a Gentleman
Should not have gone out of his Chamber,
But some Civil Officer or other of the Game
Wou'd have been with him, and have given him
Notice where he might have had a course or
Two in the Afternoon.
Free.
Truly, a good motherly woman of my acquaintance
T'other day, talking of the sins of the times,
Told me, with Tears in her Eyes, that there are a
Company of Higling Rascals, who partly
For themselves, but more especially for some
Secret friends, daily forestal the Markets;
Nay, and that many Gentlemen who formerly had
2
For some private Reasons, become their own
Purveyors, to the utter decay and disencouragement
Of Trade and Industry.
Cour.
I know there are some wary Merchants,
Who never trust their business to a Factor;
But for my part, I hate the Fatigue, and had
Rather be bound to back my own Colts, and man
My own Hawks, than endure the impertinencies
Of bringing a young Wench to the Lure.
Enter Servant.
Serv.
Sir, there is a Gentlewoman below desires to
Speak with you.
Cour.
Ha Freeman, this may be some lucky
Adventure.
Serv.
She ask'd me, if you were alone.
Cour.
And did not you say Ay?
Serv.
I told her, I would go see.
Cour.
Go, go down quickly, and tell her I am,
Franck; prithee let me put thee into this
Closet a while.
Free.
Why, may not I see her?
Cour.
On my life, thou shalt have fair play, and
Go halfs, if it be a purchase that may with
Honor be divided; you may over-hear all:
But for decency sake, in, in man.
Free.
Well, good Fortune attend thee.
Enter Mistress Sentry.
Cour.
Mistress Sentry, this is a happiness
Beyond my expectation.
Sent.
Your humble Servant, Sir.
Cour.
I hope your Lady's come to Town?
Sent.
Sir Oliver, my Lady, and the whole Family.
Well! we have had a sad time in the Countrey:
My Lady's so glad, she's come to enjoy the freedom
Of this place again, and I dare say longs to have
The happiness of your company.
Cour.
Did she send you hither?
Sent.
Oh no, if she should but know that I did such a
Confident trick, she wou'd think me a good one
3
Venture to call in my way to the Exchange,
To tell you the good news, and to let you know our
Lodgings are in James-street at the Black-Posts,
Where we lay the last Summer.
Cour.
Indeed it is very obligingly done.
Sent.
But I must needs desire you to tell my Lady,
That you came to the knowledge of this by some
Lucky chance or other; for I would not be discovered
For a World.
Cour.
Let me alone, I warrant thee.
Enter Servant.
Serv.
Sir Oliver Cockwood, Sir, is come to wait on you
Sent.
O Heaven! my Master! my Lady, and my self
Are both undone, undone—
Cour.
'Sdeath, why did you not tell him I was busie?
Sent.
For Heavens sake, Mr. Courtal, what shall
I do?
Cour.
Leave, leave trembling, and creep into the
Wood-hole here
[She goes into the Wood-hole
Enter Sir Oliver.
Cour.
Sir Oliver Cockwood!
[Embraces him.
Sir Oliv.
Honest Ned Courtal, by my troth I think
Thou tak'st me for a pretty Wench, thou
Hug'st me so very close and heartily.
Cour.
Onely my joy to see you, Sir Oliver, and to
Welcome you to Town.
Sir Oliv.
Methinks, indeed, I have been an age absent,
But I intend to redeem the time; and how, and how
Stand Affairs, prithee now? Is the Wine good?
Are the Women kind?
Well, faith, a Man had better be a vagabond
In this Town, than a Justice of Peace in the
Countrey: I was e'en grown a Sot for want
Of Gentleman like Recreations; if a Man
Do but rap out an Oath, the people start
As if a Gun went off; and if once chance
But to couple himself with his Neighbors
Daughter, without the help of the Parson of
The Parish, and leave a little testimony of
4
Such an uproar, that a poor man is fain to
Fly his Country; as for drunkenness, 'tis true,
It may be us'd without scandal, but the drink
Is so abominable, that a man would forbear it,
For fear of being made out of love with the vice.
Court.
I see, Sir Oliver, you continue still your old
Humor, and are resolv'd to break your sweet
Ladies heart.
Sir Oliver.
You do not think me sure so barbarously
Unkind, to let her know all this; no, no, these
Are secrets fit onely to be trusted to such
Honest fellows as thou art.
Court.
Well may I, poor Sinner, be excus'd, since
A Woman of such rare beauty, such incomparable
Parts, and of such an unblemished
Reputation, is not able to reclaim you from
These wilde courses, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver.
To say the truth, She is a Wife that no man
Need be asham'd of Ned.
Court.
I vow, Sir Oliver, I must needs blame you,
Considering how tenderly she loves you.
Sir Oliver.
Ay, ay, the more is her misfortune, and mine
Too Ned: I would willingly give thee a pair
Of the best Coach Horses in my Stable, so
Thou could'st but perswade her to love me
Less.
Court.
Her vertue, and my friendship, sufficiently
Secure you against that, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver.
I know thou wert never married; but has it
Never been thy misfortune to have a Mistress
Love thee thus entirely?
Court.
It never has been my good fortune, Sir Oliver.
But why do you ask this question?
Sir Oliver.
Because then, perchance, thou might'st have
Been a little sensible what a damn'd trouble it is.
Court.
As how, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver.
Why look thee, thus: For a man cannot be
Altogether ungrateful, sometimes one is oblig'd
To kiss, and fawn, and toy, and lie fooling an hour
Or two, when a man had rather, if it were not for
The disgrace sake, stand all that while in the Pillory
5
Court.
This is a very hard case indeed, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver.
And then the inconvenience of keeping
Regular hours; but above all, that damn'd fiend
Jealousie does so possess these Passionate Lovers,
That I protest Ned, Under the Rose be it spoken,
If I chance to be a little prodigal in my expence
On a private friend or so, I am call'd to so strict
An account at night, that for quietness sake I am
Often forc'd to take a Dose of Cantharides to
Make up the sum.
Court.
Indeed, Sir Oliver, every thing consider'd,
You are not so much to be envy'd as one may
Rashly imagine.
Sir Oliver.
Well, a Pox of this tying Man and Woman
Together, for better, for worse! Upon my Conscience,
It was but a trick that the Clergy might have
A feeling in the Cause.
Court.
I do not conceive it to be much for their
Profit, Sir Oliver, for I dare lay a good wager,
Let 'em but allow Christian Liberty, and they
Shall get ten times more by Christnings,
Than they are likely to lose by Marriages.
Sir Oliver.
'Faith, thou hast hit it right, Ned; and now
Thou talk'st of Christian Liberty, prethee let us
Dine together to day, and be swingingly merry,
But with all secresie.
Court.
I shall be glad of your good company, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver.
I am to call on a very honest Fellow, whom
I left here hard by making a visit, Sir Joslin Jolly,
A Kinsman of my Wifes, and my Neighbor in the
Country: We call Brothers, he came up to Town
With me, and lodgeth in the same House; he has
Brought up a couple of the prettiest Kinswomen,
Heiresses of a very good Fortune: Would thou
Hadst the instructing of 'em a little.
Faith, if I am not very much mistaken,
They are very prone to the study of the
Mathematicks.
Court.
I shall be beholding to you for so good an
Acquaintance.
Sir Oliver.
This Sir Joslin is in great favor with my
6
Opinion of, and will trust me with him
Any where; but to say truth, he is as arrant
A sinner as the best of us, and will boggle at
Nothing that becomes a Man of Honor.
We will go and get leave of my Lady;
For it is not fit I should break out so soon
Without her approbation Ned.
Cour.
By no means, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver.
Where shall we meet about an hour hence?
Cour.
At the French-house, or the Bear.
Sir Oliver.
At the French-house by all means.
Cour.
Agreed, agreed.
Sir Oliver.
Would thou could'st bring a fourth man.
Cour.
What think you of Franck Freeman?
Sir Oliver.
There cannot be a better—well—
Servant Ned, Servant Ned!
[Exit Sir Oliver.
Cour.
Your Servant, Sir Oliver.
Mistress Sentry!
Sentry
in the hole.
Is he gone?
Cour.
Ay, Ay! You may venture to bolt now.
Sentry
crawling out.
Oh Heavens! I would not
Endure such another fright.
Cour.
Come, come, prethee be compos'd.
Sentry.
I shall not be my self again this fortnight;
I never was in such a taking days of my life.
To have been found false, and to one who to
Say truth, has been always very kind
And civil to me; but above all, I was concern'd
For my Ladies Honor—
Cour.
Come, come—there's no harm done.
Sentry.
Ah! Mr. Courtall, you do not know Sir Oliver
So well as I do, he has strange humors sometimes,
And has it enough in's Nature to play the
Tyrant, but that my Lady and my self, aw him
By our Policy.
Cour.
Well, well, all's well; Did you not hear
What a taring Blade Sir Oliver is?
Sentry.
Ah! 'tis a vile dissembliag Man. How fairly
He carries it to my Ladies face! But I dare not
Discover him, for fear of betraying my self.
Cour.
Well, Mistress Sentry, I must dine with 'em,
7
Or two, if I can I will slip away, and pay my
Respects to your Lady.
Sentry.
You need not question your welcome,
I assure you, Sir—your Servant, Sir.
Court.
Your Servant Mistress Sentry, I am very sensible
Of this Favor, I assure you.
Sentry.
I am proud it was in my pow'r to oblige you,
Sir.
[Exit Sentry.
Cour.
Freeman! Come, come out of thy hole; how
Hast thou been able to contain?
Free.
Faith much ado, the Scene was very pleasant:
But above all, I admire thy impudence,
I could never have had the face to have wheadl'd
The poor Knight fo.
Cour.
Pish, Pish, 'twas both necessary and honest:
We ought to do all we can to confirm a
Husband in the good opinion of his Wife.
Free.
Pray how long, if, without offence, a Man may
Ask you; Have you been in good grace with this Person
Of Honor? I never knew you had that
Commendable quality of Secresie before.
Cour.
You are mistaken, Freeman, things go not
As you wickedly imagine.
Free.
Why, hast thou lost all sense of modesty?
Do'st thou think to pass these gross wheadles on
Me too? Come, come, this good news should make
Thee a little merrier. 'Faith, though she be an old
Acquaintance, she has the advantage of Four or five
Moneths absence. 'Slid, I know not how proud
You are, but I have thought my self very spruce
Ere now in an old Suit, that has been brush'd
And laid up a while.
Cour.
Freeman, I know in cases of this nature thou
Art an Infidel; but yet methinks the knowledge
Thou hast of my sincere dealing with my
Friends should make thee a little more confiding.
Free.
What devilish Oath could she invent to
Fright thee from a discovery?
Cour.
Wilt thou believe me, if I swear, the preservation
Of her honor, has been my fault, and not hers?
Free.
This is something.
8
Why then, know that I have still been as
Careful to prevent all opportunities, as she has been to
Contrive 'em; and still have carried it so like a
Gentleman, that there has not had the least suspition
Of unkindness. She is the very spirit of impertinence,
So foolishly fond and troublesom, that no man above
Sixteen is able to endure her.
Free.
Why did you engage thus far then?
Cour.
Some conveniences which I had by my
Acquaintance with the Sot her Husband, made
Me extraordinary civil to her, which presently
By her Ladiship was interpreted after the manner
Of the most obliging Women. This Wench came
Hither by her Commission to day.
Free.
With what confidence she deny'd it!
Cour.
Nay, that's never wanting, I assure you:
Now is it expected I should lay by all other
Occasions, and watch every opportunity to wait
Upon her; she would by her good will give her
Lover no more rest, than a young Squire that
Has newly set up a Coach, does his onely pair of Horses.
Free.
'Faith, if it be as thou say'st, I cannot much
Blame the hardness of thy heart. But did
Not the Oaf talk of two young Ladies?
Cour.
Well remembred, Franck, and now I think
On't, 'twill be very necessary to carry on my business
With the old one, that we may the better have
An opportunity of being acquainted with them.
Come, let us go and bespeak dinner, and by the
Way consider of these weighty affairs.
Free.
Well, since there is but little ready money
Stirring, rather then want entertaiment,
I shall be contented to play a while upon Tick.
Cour.
And I, provided they promise fair, and we find
There's hopes of payment hereafter.
Free,
Come along, come along,
[Exeunt.
9
SCENE II.
Sir Oliver Cockwood's Lodging.Enter Lady Cockwood.
La. Cock.
'Tis too late to repent: I sent her, but yet
I cannot but be troubled to think she stays so long:
Sure, if she has so little gratitude to let him, he has
More honor then to attempt any thing to the
Prejudice of my affection—Oh—Sentry, are you come?
Enter Sentry.
Sent.
Oh Madam! there has been such an accident!
La. Cock.
Prithee do not fright me, Wench—
Sent.
As I was discoursing with M. Courtal, in came
Sir Oliver.
La. Cock.
Oh!—I'm ruin'd—undone for ever!
Sent.
You'll still be sending me on these desperate
Errands.
La. Cock.
I am betray'd, betray'd—by this
False—what shall I call thee?
Sent.
Nay, but Madam—have a little patience—
La. Cock.
I have lost all patience, and will never
More have any—
Sent.
Do but hear me, all is well—
La. Cock.
Nothing can be well, unfortunate Woman.
Sent.
Mr. Courtal thrust me into the Wood-hole.
La. Cock.
And did not Sir Oliver see thee?
Sent.
He had not the least glimpse of me—
La. Cock.
Dear Sentry—and what good news?
Sent.
He intends to wait upon you in the
Afternoon, Madam—
La. Cock.
I hope you did not let him know I sent you.
Sent.
No, no, Madam—I'll warrant you I did every
Thing much to the advantage of your Honor.
La. Cock.
Ah Sentry! if we could but think of some
Lucky plot now to get Sir Oliver out of the way.
Sent.
You need not trouble your self about that,
Madam, he has engag'd to dine with Mr. Courtal at the
10
Your good will; when Mr. Courtal has fix'd 'em
With a Beer-glass or two, he intends to steal
Away, and pay his Devotion to your Ladiship.
La. Cock.
Truly he is a person of much Worth
And Honor.
Sent.
Had you but been there, Madam, to have
Over-heard Sir Oliver's Discourse, he would have
Made you bless your self; there is not such another
Wild Man in the Town; all his talk was of
Wenching, and swearing, and drinking, and tearing.
La. Cock.
Ay, Ay, Sentry, I know he'll talk of
Strange matters behind my back; but if he be not
An abominable Hypocrite at home, and I am not a
Woman easily to be deceived, he is not able
To play the Spark abroad thus, I assure you.
Enter Sir Oliver, and Sir Joslin, Sir Joslin singing.
My dearest Dear, this is kindly done of thee
To come home agen thus quickly.
Sir Oliver.
Nay, my Dear, thou shalt never have any
Just cause to accuse me of unkindness.
La. Cock.
Sir Joslin, now you are a good man, and
I shall trust you with Sir Oliver agen.
Sir Jos.
Nay, if I ever break my word with a Lady,
I will be deliver'd bound to Mistress Sentry here,
And she shall have leave to carve me for a Capon.
Sent.
Do you think I have a heart cruel enough
For such a bloody execution?
Sir Jos.
Kindly spoke i'faith, Girl, I'll give thee
A buss for that.
Kisses her.
La. Cock.
Fy, fy, Sir Joslin, this is not seemly in my
Presence.
Sir Jos.
We have all our failings, Lady, and this is
Mine: A right bred Grey-hound can as well forbear
Running after a Hare, when he sees her, as I can
Mumbling a pretty Wench when she comes in my way.
La. Cock.
I have heard indeed you are a parlous man,
Sir Joslin.
Sir Jos.
I seldom brag, Lady, but for a true Cock of
The Game, little Joslin dares match with the best of 'em.
11
Sir Joslin's merry, my Dear.
La. Cock.
Ay, Ay, if he should be wicked, I know
Thou art too much a Gentleman to offer an injury
To thine own dear Lady.
Sir Jos.
Faith, Madam, you must give my
Brother Cockwood leave to dine abroad to day.
La. Cock.
I protest, Sir Joslin, you begin to make
Me hate you too; well, you are e'en grown as bad
As the worst of 'em, you are still robbing me of
The sweet Society of Sir Oliver.
Sir Jos.
Come, come, your Discipline is too
Severe, i'faith Lady.
La. Cock.
Sir Oliver may do what he pleases, Sir,
He knows I have ever been his obedient Lady.
Sir Oliv.
Prithee, my Dear, be not angry, Sir
Joseph was so earnest in his invitation, that none
But a Clown could have refus'd him.
Sir Jos.
Ay, Ay, we dine at my Uncle Sir
Joseph Jolly's Lady.
La. Cock.
Will you be sure now to be a good
Dear, and not drink, nor stay out late?
Sir Jos.
I'll engage for all, and if there be no
Harm in a merry Catch, or a waggish Story—
Enter Ariana, and Mistress Gatty.
Ha, ha! Sly-girl and Mad-cap, are you got up?
I know what you have been meditating on;
But never trouble your heads, let me
Alone to bring you consolation.
Gat.
We have often been beholding to you,
Sir; for every time he's drunk, he brings us
Home a couple of fresh Servants.
Sir Oliv.
Well, farewel my Dear, Prithee do not
Sigh thus, but make thee ready, visit, and be merry.
La Cock.
I shall receive most satisfaction
In my Chamber.
Sir Jos.
Come, come along, Brother: Farewel
One and all, Lady and Sly-girl, Sly-girl and Mad-cap,
Your servant, your servant—
[Ex. Sir Oliver, and Sir Joslin singing.
La. Cock
To Sentry aside.
Sentry, is the new Point I
Bought, come home, and is every thing in a readiness?
12
Every thing, Madam.
La Cock.
Come, come up quickly then, Girl, and
Dress me.
Ex. La. Cockwood and Sentry.
Aria.
Dost not thou wonder, Gatty, she should be
So strangely fond of this Coxcomb?
Gat.
Well, if she does not dissemble, may I still
Be discover'd when I do; didst thou not see how
Her countenance chang'd, as soon as ever their
Backs were turn'd, and how earnestly she whispered
With her Woman? there is some weighty affair
In hand, I warrant thee: My dear Ariana, how
Glad am I we are in this Town agen.
Aria.
But we have left the benefit of the fresh
Air, and the delight of wandring in the
Pleasant Groves.
Gat.
Very pretty things for a young Gentlewoman
To bemoan the loss of indeed, that's newly come to a
Relish of the good things of this world.
Aria.
Very good, Sister!
Gatty.
Why, hast not thou promis'd me a thousand
Times, to leave off this demureness?
Aria.
But you are so quick.
Gatty.
Why, wou'd it not make any one mad to hear
Thee bewail the loss of the Country? Speak
But one grave word more, and it shall be my daily
Prayers thou may'st have a jealous Husband, then
You'll have enough of it I warrant you.
Aria.
It may be, if your tongue be not altogether
So nimble, I may be conformable: But I hope
You do not intend we shall play such mad reaks
As we did last Summer?
Gatty.
'Slife, do'st thou think we come here to be
Mew'd up, and take onely the liberty of going from our
Chamber to the Dining-Room, and from the
Dining-Room to our Chamber again? and like a
Bird in a Cage, with two Perches onely, to hop
Up and down, up and down?
Aria.
Well, thou art a mad Wench.
Gatty.
Would'st thou never have us go to a Play
But with our grave Relations, never take the air but
With our grave Relations? to feed their pride,
And make the world believe it is in their power
13
Aria.
But I am afraid we shall be known again.
Gatty.
Pish! the men were onely acquainted with
Our Vizards, and our Petticoats, and they are wore
Out long since: How I envy that Sex! Well! We
Cannot plague 'em enough when we have it in
Our power for those priviledges which custom
Has allow'd 'em above us.
Aria.
The truth is, they can run and ramble here,
And there, and every where, and we poor Fools
Rather think the better of 'em.
Gatty.
From one Play-house, to the other Play-house,
And if they like neither the Play nor the Women,
They seldom stay any longer than the combing
Of their Perriwigs, or a whisper or two with a
Friend; and then they cock their Caps, and out they
Strut again.
Adria.
But whatsoever we do, prithee now let us
Resolve to be mighty honest.
Gatty.
There I agree with thee.
Adria.
And if we find the Gallants like lawless
Subjects, who the more their Princes grant,
The more they impudently crave.
Gatty.
We'll become absolute Tyrants, and deprive
'Em of all the priviledges we gave 'em—
Aria.
Upon these conditions I am contented to trail
A Pike under thee—March along Girl.
Exeunt.
| She wou'd if She cou'd | |