Poems on Affairs of State

I'll tell thee, Dick, where I have been,
Where I the Parliament have seen,
The Choice of Ale and Beer:
But such a Choice as ne'er was found,
In any Age on English Ground,
In Borough or in Shire.

2

At Charing-Cross, hard by the way
Where all the Berties make their Hay,
There stands a House new painted:
Where I could see 'em crouding in;
But sure they often there had been,
They seem'd so well acquainted.

3

The Host that dwells in that same House,
Is now a Man that was a Mouse,
Till he was Burgess chosen:
And for his Country first began,
But quickly turned Cat in Pan;
The way they all have rosen.

4

And ever since he did so wex,
That now he Mony tells by Pecks,
And heaps up all our Treasure:
Thou'lt ken him out by his white Wand
He dandles always in his Hand,
With which he strikes the Measure.

5

And tho he now does look so big,
And bear himself on such a Twig,
'Twill fail him in a Year:

Then O! how I could claw him off,
For all his slender Quarter-staff,
And have him here and there.

6

He is as stiff as any Stake,
And leaner, Dick, than any Rake,
Envy is not so pale:
And tho by selling of us all,
He'as wrought himself into Whitehall,
He looks like Bird of Jail.

7

And where he might e'er now have laid,
Had not the Members most been made,
For some had been indicted:
For whosoe'er that peach him durst,
To clear him would have been the first,
Had they too been requited.

8

But he had Men enough to spare,
Besides a good Friend in the Chair,
Tho all Men blush'd that heard it:
Therefore I needs must speak my Mind,
They all deserv'd to have been kind
For such a shameful Verdict.

9

And now they march'd all Tag and Rag,
Each of his handy work to brag,
Over a gallant Supper:
On backside of their Letter some
For sureness cited were to come;
The rest were bid by Cooper.

10

They stood, when enter'd in the Hall,
Mannerly rear'd against the Wall,
Till to sit down desir'd:
And simper'd, justly to compare,
Like Maidens at a Statue-Fair,
None went away unhir'd.

11

The Lady, dress'd like any Bride,
Her Forehead-Cloth had laid aside,
And smiling thro did sail:
Tho they had dirted so the Room,
That she was forc'd to call for Groom,
To carry up her Tail.

12

Wheeler at Board then next her set,
And if it had been nearer yet,
She might it well afford:
For ev'n at Bed the time has been,
When no one could see Sun between
His Lady and her Lord.

13

This Knight was sent t'America,
And was as soon sent for away,
Tho not for his good Deeds:
But 'twas, it seems, with this Intent,
To plant with us that Government,
From thence he brought the Seeds.

14

And next him sat George Mountague,
The Foreman of the British Crew,
His Cup he never fails:
Mansel and Morgan, and the rest,
All of them of the Grand Inquest,
A Jury right of Wales.

15

Wild with his Tongue did all out-run,
And popping like an Elder-Gun,
Both Words and Meat did utter:
The Pellets which his Chaps did dart,
Fed all his Neighbours overthwart,
That gap'd to hear him sputter.

16

But King, God save him, tho so cramm'd,
The Cheer into his Breeches ramm'd,
Which Butt'ry were and Larder:
And of more Prov'nder to dispose,
Had sew'd on too his double Hose;
For Times thou know'st grew harder.

17

H---lt, out of Linen, as of Land,
Had mortgag'd of his two one Band,
To have the other wash'd:
And tho the Sweat, the while he eat,
With his own Gravy fill'd the Plate,
That Band with Sauce too dash'd.

18

His Brain and Face Tredenham wrung,
For Words not to be said but sung;
His Neck it turn'd on Wier:
And Berkenhead of all the Rout,
There was but one could be found out,
To be a greater Lyar.

19

Old Hobbes's Brother Cheyney there,
Throgmorton, Neville, Doleman were,
And Lawley, Knight of Shropshire:
Nay, Portman, tho all Men cry'd shame,
And Cholm'ley of Vale Royal came
For something more than Chop-cheer.

20

The Western Glory, Harry Ford,
The Landlord Bailes out-eat, out-roar'd,
And did his Trencher lick:
What pity 'tis a Wit so great,
Should live to sell himself for Meat;
But who can help it, Dick?

21

Yet, wot'st thou, he was none of those,
But would as well as Meat have Clothes,
Before he'd sell the Nation:
And wisely lodging at next Door,
Was serv'd more often than the Poor,
With his whole Generation.

22

Sir Courtney Poole and he contend,
Which should the other most commend
For what that Day they spoke:
The Man that gave that woful Tax,
And sweeping all our Chimney-Stacks,
Excises us for Smoke.

23

The Hanmers, Herberts, Sandys, Musgr---s,
Fathers and Sons, like coupled Slaves,
They were not to be sunder'd:
The Tale of all that there did sup
On Chequer-Tallies, was scor'd up,
And made above a hundred.

24

Our greatest Barn could not have held
The Belly-Timber that they fell'd,
For Mess was rick'd on Mess:
'Twas such a Treat, that I'm afraid
The Reck'ning never will be paid,
Without another Cess.

25

They talk'd about, and made such din,
That scarce the Lady could hedg in
The Papishes and Frenches:
On them she was allow'd to rail,
But, and thereby does hang a Tale,
Not one word of the Wenches.

26

The Host, who sat at lower end,
The Healths in order up did send,
Nor of his own took care:
But down the Visick Bottle threw,
And took his Wine, when 'twas his Due,
In spite of 'Pothecare.

27

They drank, I know not who had most,
Till King both Hostess kiss'd and Host,
And clap'd 'em on the Back:
And prithee why so pale? then swore,
Should they indict him o'er and o'er,
He'd bring him off i'fack.

28

Then all said Ay, who had said No,
And now, who would, 'twas time to go,
For Grace they did not stay:
And for to save the Serving-Men
The Pains of coming in agen,
The Guests took all away.

29

Candlesticks, Forks, Salts, Plates, Spoons, Knives,
Like Sweet-meats for their Girls and Wives,
And Table-Linen went:
I saw no more, but hither ran,
Lest some should take me for the Man,
And I for them be shent.

University of Virginia Library

A New Ballad, call'd, The Chequer-Inn.

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