Stray Leaves from the Portfolios of Alisander the Seer, Andrew Whaup, and Humphrey Henkeckle Edited by Alexander Rodger |
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MIND THE BUTTER. |
 | Stray Leaves from the Portfolios of Alisander the Seer, Andrew Whaup, and Humphrey Henkeckle |  |
MIND THE BUTTER.
During Dr Chalmers' late visit to the guid town of Greenock, we are assured that he, in the course of an after-dinner speech, spoke nearly as follows:—
‘My brethren and beloved friends, I have been often asked, in the course of these agitations, how much I thought would suffice, if we were to get what we wanted in the shape of Endowments? I always replied that that was a difficult question to answer. But I happened, a few days ago, to be looking through an old book on cookery, and I saw a recipe for some dish or other, I forget the name of it just now—(Laughter)—but the recipe, I think, was a capital answer to the question, how much would suffice for Endowments. After enumerating several items necessary for the preparation of the dish, the recipe added, any quantity of Butter, and the cook was very particular about the Butter, for, (quoth the Doctor,) at the end of the recipe there was this injunction—mind the Butter—be sure to mind the Butter. Now, my friends, (added the Doctor at the close of this climax,) in regard to endowments, I would just tell you, as the cook did, do not be particular about the quantity—but just mind the Butter— be sure and mind the Butter.’
—Scotch Reformers' Gazette, 22d December, 1838.Endowment-hunting doughty Chalmers,
On wi' thy great Extension work,
Nor heed the vile Dissenters' clamours;
While King, Heugh, Marshall (precious three,)
Their Voluntary speeches sputter,
Let this thy motto henceforth be—
‘Oh, mind the butter, mind the butter.’
Comes hobbling on her twa State crutches,
Determined by ilk wily quirk
To grab a' wi' her haly clutches;
Her staggering step and stammering stutter,
Have made the Carlin still mair keen
To ‘mind the butter, mind the butter.’
Of vile unhowkit heathens' livers—
The heart's blood of a Popish Priest:
A Deist's cranium cracked to shivers;
Frae puffed-up Prelate's pampered painch,
A whang o' morbid matter cut her—
A sturdy Independent's hainch;
But, oh, be sure to ‘mind the butter.’
Wi' a' the guid things she has gotten,
But, still on fresh Endowments bent,
Has grown a downright greedy glutton.
Her Corbies through the land she sends,
Their ever-craving screams to utter;
And, as each greedy throat extends,
Their craik is still—‘Oh, mind the butter.’
And free from blemish, blotch, and swelling;
Her muirland plaid around her flung—
The breezy hill-side was her dwelling;
Plain hame-spun plaiden was her wear,
Nae silks about her then did flutter;
Her drink, the mountain streamlet clear,
And aft she lack'd baith bread and butter.
Debarred from village, town, and city;
Her bleeding feet and visage pale,
Ne'er moved her wicked hunters' pity:
To every murderous wretch a prey,
Who chose to mangle, maim, and cut her,
Heaven was her only hope and stay,
In whom to trust for bread or butter.
While silk and velvet robes bedeck her,
Wi' greedy een and brazen brow,
She glow'rs into the State Exchequer;
Though bread be given, and water sure,
Yet these do not exactly fit her,
Some richer thing she maun procure,
And hence her howl, ‘Oh, mind the butter.’
Yet wi' the rich she fondly dallies;
Yea—poortith's cot she passes by,
To banquet in the lordly Palace.
Wi' Dukes and Lords she feasts and rants,
Drinks smutty toasts—kicks up a splutter;
Then wails about her waefu' wants,
And whining cries—‘Oh, mind the butter.’
At least, if we may trust her story:
But oh! she's fond to get a haurl
O' warldly wealth, and pomp, and glory.
Wha lang did tramp her in the gutter—
She fawns, now, on her air and late,
And cries—‘Oh, help me to the butter!’
On in thy glorious course careering,
Though Voluntaries rave and rail,
Treat with contempt their gibes and jeering;
In pleading greedy Granny's cause,
Ne'er stick a rousing whid to utter,
Till cheering echoes rend the wa's,
Wi' ‘mind the butter, mind the butter.’
| Stray Leaves from the Portfolios of Alisander the Seer, Andrew Whaup, and Humphrey Henkeckle | |