University of Virginia Library

1. CHAPTER I.
The inconveniences of being drowned.—The first chapter of the
history of I. D. Dawkins, Esq.

When I recovered my wits, I thought I had got
into the place which is never mentioned among
polite people, except at church. I perceived a
horrible smell of gin, whiskey, hartshorn, tobacco-smoke,
and spirits of camphire, as if these made up
the constituents of the atmosphere of darkness;
and I saw, though very obscurely, for the light
was dim, and there seemed to be films over my
eyes, a number of figures that moved to and fro,
uttering discordant noises. One of them, it seems,
and I took it for granted he was the chief devil,
stood by me, pressing my ribs with a fist that felt
marvellously heavy, while with the other he maintained
a grasp upon my nose, to which ever and
anon he gave a considerable tweak; while another,
little less dreadful, stood at his side, armed

with some singular weapon, shaped much like a
common fire-bellows, the nozle of which he held
at but a little distance from my own. There were
four others of them, each of whom had me by a
leg or arm, pulling and slapping with much zeal,
and, as I supposed, preparing me for a gridiron;
while divers others flitted about, as I mentioned
before, talking with voices that appeared to me
louder than thunder.

Such were the observations which I made,
vaguely and confusedly (for there was a great
stupor over most of my senses), and which led
me to suspect I was in the place of torment; in
which suspicion I was confirmed by a thousand
pangs I felt all over my body, so strange, racking,
and horrible, that unless one were to have the
toothache, gout, earache, gravel, rheumatism, headache,
a stumped toe, and locked jaw all together,
it would be impossible to form any just conception
of the nature and variety of my torments. I had,
I verily believed, the paddle-wheel of a steamboat
in my head, which was revolving full thirty times
a minute, with a hideous crashing and clamour,
and churning my brains to atoms; and, by the
same rule, I conceived there was an iron-foundry
in my lungs and heart, every cell and cavity of
which was full of hot castings.

But it would require a greater space than the
subject is worthy of, to describe the agonies I endured
in those moments of torture; and they were,
perhaps, the more poignant, since I could neither

move a muscle, nor vent my distresses in a single
cry,—which I was the more inclined to do from
conceiving myself in the kingdom of darkness.

When I opened my eyes, I heard him who had
me by the nose yell out something to the others;
upon which there was a great stir and outcry
among them, and I distinctly heard one say, after
a great oath, “We'll do well enough without a
doctor.”

“What!” said I to myself, “have they doctors
here too? Do they follow their patients?”

“But,” continued the same voice, “we'll never
finish the job till we roll him over a barrel. He'll
never show game till the water's out of him.”

These words, it may be supposed, were sufficient
to give my mind the right cue, and relieve
me of all apprehensions in relation to death and
condemnation. On the contrary, they confirmed
me the more strongly in my conceit. How there
should be water in me I knew not; but my idea
was, the inhuman imps wished to roll it out of me,
only to make me burn the better. Fortunately for
me, another voice made answer, and opposed the
atrocious proposal.

“No rolling on barrels,” it said, “nor hanging
up by the heels”—(hanging up by the heels!
thought I)—“it is against the rules of the Humane
Society; and here they are.'

“The Humane Society!” thought I; “is there
a Humane Society among the devils?”

“The rule is,” the second voice went on, “as

soon as the body shows signs of life, snaps its eyes,
and breathes, to pour a little brandy and water
down.”

“Brandy and water!” said the first voice, evidently
in a passion; “and I wonder if that a'n't
against the rules of the Temperance Society? Better
give the man so much burning brimstone?”

“The Temperance Society?” thought I.—I
might have brought myself to believe they had a
Temperance Society, as well as a Humane one, in
the lower regions, had it not been for the violent
ardour of him who pronounced its name. I knew
by his rage and fury he could belong to no Temperance
Society but in the United States of America;
and the inference was therefore plain, that instead
of being in the other world, I was in the
United States of America myself.

But before I could infer myself into this happy
belief, I was confused by a hot argument that grew
up between the advocates of the two societies, who
waxed quarrelsome, until there was a sudden cry,
“The doctor has come!” which pacified them in a
moment, and satisfied me I was neither dead nor
buried.

The doctor stalked up to me; I thought I knew
his features and voice, but my sight and hearing
were still confused. I have no doubt he treated
me secundum artem; but in about five minutes I
was as dead as ever.