University of Virginia Library

12. CHAPTER XII.
Sheppard Lee makes the acquaintance of his cousin, Miss Pattie
Wilkins.

Although I now look upon those three weeks
of my life as three weeks of existence out of
which I cheated myself, I was nevertheless so
greatly delighted at first by the way in which I
spent them, that I had almost forgotten my uncle
Wilkins; and when I did think of him, it was only
with renewed contempt and indifference. Finding,
however, that the old fellow had called upon me
three or four times during my absence from my
lodgings, on as many different days, and remembering
what he had said of his riches, it occurred
to me that I might as well pay him a visit, were it
only to satisfy Mr. Sniggles and Nora Magee, both
of whom manifested great uneasiness at my undutiful
conduct. It occurred to me, moreover, that
although my uncle Wilkins was not a lending man,
my cousin Sammy might be; and as I had now
existed four different days without a single sixpence
in my pocket, and began to be heartily
ashamed of such a state of things, I thought it
would be as well to pay the rustics a visit; and

putting on a new coat which Snip had just sent me,
to seal our reconciliation and secure my seven extravagant
cousins, I started off forthwith.

As my evil luck would have it, I found the old
gentleman on the point of setting out to pay me a
fifth visit, and I had the satisfaction, just as I placed
my foot on the porch of the hotel, in full view of
some half a dozen respectable-looking people who
were congregated there, to receive an embrace from
Mr. Samuel Wilkins, with the old white fur hat,
accompanied by a vocal salutation of, “Oho! Ikey,
my boy, and so you have come, have you? Ods
bobs, but I began to think you was ashamed of
your relations.!”

“Not I,” said I; “I am never ashamed of my
relations.” And I looked around me with dignity,
so that all present might perceive I was condescending.
I supposed I should find some of the
spectators giggling, but was agreeably surprised
when I beheld among them nothing but grave looks
of respect. Indeed, two or three old gentlemen
that I knew by sight, and who were what you call
“stanch citizens”—that is, rich old fellows, not
very genteel, but highly respected—made me low
bows; and I heard one of them, as I passed with
my uncle into the hotel, whisper to another, “It is
the rich old rascal's nephew; quite a promising
young man.”

I began to feel a greater esteem for my uncle,
for I saw that others respected him. Everybody
seemed to know him and make way for him; seeing

which, I grew more condescending than ever,
and instantly began to apologize for my seeming
neglect, by pleading that I had been engaged night
and day in preparing the way for the admission of
him and my cousins, Sammy and Pattie, into good
society.

“You want a house in a fashionable quarter,”
said I—

“Ods bobs,” said he, “yes; and I've been looking
all over town, from the glass-works down to
the navy-yard, and seen a power of them.”

“I flatter myself I can suit you,” said I, “and
better than you can yourself. Besides,” said I,
“I have been looking for carriages and horses.”

“Why,” said my uncle, “it's expensive keeping
horses in a city; and I was against it; but there's
Pattie says we can't do without 'em.”

“Exactly so,” said I: “you must live like a
gentleman, or there's no getting or keeping in society.
And, besides, I have been stirring up the
beaux and belles to come and see my cousin, the
fair—I say, uncle, eged, has she no other name than
Pattie?”

“Yes,” said my uncle Wilkins, “there's Abby,
—that's Abigail—Martha Abigail Wilkins; called
her after her grandmother and aunt, and hoped
aunt Abby would leave her something; but she
didn't.”

Martha Abigail Wilkins! Worse and worse;
I despaired of doing any thing, if I even wished it,
for a creature with such a name.

But what I had done—that is, what I said I had
done (for I had done nothing), had produced a
great effect on my uncle, and put him into such a
good-humour with me, that he seized me by the
hand, swore I was the right sort of a dog after all,
and, reaching the door of his private parlour, where
the fair Martha Abigail was sitting, he kicked it
open, crying aloud,

“Here, Pattie, you puss, here's your cousin
Ikey, the dandy—as fine a whole-hog fellow as
ever you saw—ods bobs, give 'm a buss.”

I looked upon the unsophisticated rustic who
was called upon to manifest her breeding in such
an agricultural style; and, upon my soul, I was
quite surprised to find in her, the aforesaid Pattie
Abigail, one of the nicest little creatures I had ever
laid eyes on, of a most genteel figure, tolerably
well dressed, considering she had been brought up
in the country, and with a sweet, prudish face, that
was quite agreeable to look on.

She smiled and she blushed, then laughed and
blushed again; but, without waiting to be bidden
a second time, tripped up to me, gave me both her
hands, and saying, “Cousin Ikey, how do you do?”
with a voice that was charming in every word save
one—the infernal “Ikey”—she very innocently
turned her cheek up to be saluted.

I felt myself called upon to give her a lesson in
politeness, and therefore put my lips to her hand,
saying, “Cousin P—P—Pattie—ehem, the girls
will all call her petty-patty—Petty-patty Wilkins

—I beg your pardon; but it is quite ungenteel and
vulgar to kiss a lady; that is to say, in common
cases. But—” As I spoke, I admired her beauty
the more, and began to think the etiquette in such
cases was absurd—“But, as we are cousins, I
think that alters the case entirely.”

And with that I paid my respects to her cheek,
and, upon my soul, was rather gratified than otherwise.
Nay, and upon an instinct which I know
not whether I owed to my soul or body, I made an
offer to repeat the ceremony, that I might be as
condescending as possible; when the little minx,
to my surprise and indignation, lifted up one of the
hands I had dropped, and absolutely boxed me on
the ear, starting away at the same time, and saying,
with a most mischievous look of retaliation,

“I reckon I know manners as well as anybody.”

“Ged, and upon my soul!” said I, and marched
up to the glass to restore my left whisker to its
beauty, for she had knocked it out of its equilibrium,
while my uncle Wilkins fell foul of her, and scolded
her roundly for her bad behaviour.

“It don't signify, pa,” said the amiable Pattie,
bursting into tears, “I served cousin Ikey no worse
than cousin Ikey served me; for when I wanted
him to kiss me he wouldn't; and if he had boxed
my ear it wouldn't have been half so bad; for it
was very rude of him not to kiss me, and say it was
vulgar, and he can't deny it.”

I have mentioned before, I think, the surprising
facility women seem to have of turning the tables

upon a man, in any contest that may happen between
the sexes; for, let a man be never so much
in the right, my head for it, the woman will soon
prove him to be in the wrong.

I found the truth of the maxim on the present
occasion; for there was the pretty Pattie, who had
just shocked my sensibilities, wounded my self-love,
violated my dignity, and disordered my whisker,
by a buffet on the cheek, extremely well laid
on, considering the youth and sex of the bestower,
now weeping and bewailing the injury I had done
her, in moralizing over a kiss before taking it. It
occurred to me she was an uncommon goose; but
she looked so wonderfully handsome, pouting her
lips with such a beautiful pettishness, that I was
convinced I had treated her very badly; for which
reason I stepped up to her, and begged her pardon
so penitently, that she relented and forgave me, and
we were soon in a good-humour with one another.

She seemed to me to be an odd creature, disposed
to be whimsical and funny, and I rather feared
she was, at bottom, witty. I say, I feared she was
witty; and lest the reader should draw wrong inferences
from the expression, I think it right to
inform him, that, while recording my adventures in
the body of Mr. I. D. Dawkins, I feel my old
Dawkins habits revived so strongly in my feelings,
that I cannot avoid giving some of the colouring of
his character to the history of his body. I do not
presume to say what women should be, or what
they should not: in confessing a fear that my cousin

Pattie was witty, I only record the horror with
which I, while a dandy, in common with all others
of the class, regarded any of the sex who were
smarter or more sensible than myself.

My cousin Pattie was, then, odd, whimsical, and,
I feared, witty; but that remained to be proved.
She certainly acted in a manner highly unsophisticated,
which arose from her youth (for my uncle
told me she was not yet eighteen), and her country
breeding. She had divers rusticities of speech,
and a frankness of spirit that would at any moment
burst out in weeping and wailing, or a fit of romping;
all which was horridly ungenteel, and a great
objection to genteel people taking notice of her.

But, on the other hand, she was a positive beauty;
and although she slouched about sometimes,
when forgetful, her movements were commonly
graceful and lady-like.

My judgment was therefore favourable: beauty,
grace, good clothes, and a grammatical way of
speaking, were, as far as I knew, the only requisites
for a fine woman, and I thought it was possible
to make her one. The two first requisites she already
possessed: good clothes were to be had of a
good milliner; and as for her conversation, I flattered
myself I could, in a few lessons, teach her to
subdue all redundances; for in that particular she
wanted nothing but pruning.