Beasts at law, or zoologian jurisprudence :: :: University of Virginia Library

Beasts at law, or zoologian jurisprudence

a poem, satirical, allegorical, and moral

Woodworth, Samuel (1784-1842)

[section]

BEASTS AT LAW. A POEM, IN THREE CANTOS.

CANTO II.

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CANTO II.

THE ARGUMENT.

SPIRITUAL warfare—A human portrait, drawn from life— Clarinda blown up—The story resumed—The court meets—The Magpie examined by Dama—Something about exposing something, which somebody ought not somehow to have seen—Cross-examined by Pardus—A litigant retort—The Parrot examined by Dama—Something relating to insufficiency—Cross-examined by Ursus—The Pigeon examined by Dama—The kicking and spurring business —Cross-examined by Pardus—A play-house whisper —The Ring-dove examined—The river scene—The Goldfinch examined—A kiss after shaving—The Blackbird examined —Invitation upon invitation—The Widgeon examined —How to look respectable in shape and size—The Daw examined by Reynard—Cross-examined by Pardus— The Turkey examined—Strictures on being satisfied— Cross-examined by Ursus—Defendants rest their ease— The Ass described—Examined for the prosecutors, by Ursus—A controversy on confessions—How to lead an Ass by the nose—Description of a Mule, a Philosopher, and a quack Doctor—Dr. Mulus examined by Cervus—Cross-examined by Leopardus—Mula, the doctor's mate, examined —The court adjourn.

Scene—as in the first canto. Time—about six hours.

That minstrel wakes the song in vain,
Who weaves no moral with his strain;
And he who flatters vice for pelf,
Deserves its penalty himself:
But he who sanctions Folly's tools,
Should wear her cap, and head the fools.
Author's MS.

The human mind's a tilting field,
Where two strong active spirits wield
The missive dart or pointed lance,
And parry, thrust, retreat, advance,
Or close, in obstinate affray,
Till one or t'other gains the day.
But still the fight is not decided,
Their powers and rights are so divided,
The desperate war is still renew'd,
For neither can be quite subdued;
But each is, in his turn, the master,
Like Pollux and his brother Castor.
These spirits, (as we might suppose,
They being such eternal foes)
Are as unlike in form and feature,
As much opposed in looks and nature,

And as dissimilar in all,
As God and Satan, since the fall.

When charity expands the breast,
The first of virtues and the best;
When Love within the soul arises,
Which all the law of God comprises;
In short, when we're inclined to good,
And have some selfish wish subdued;
We may be sure the fiend has reel'd,
And that the angel holds the field.
But when we yield to passion's sway,
And hate or envy's rule obey;
It will as certainly be found,
The angel welters on the ground;
That we have turn'd the fate of war,
And placed Apollyon on the car.
For though we fight on neither side,
'Tis ours the victory to guide,
And by a vote we turn the scale,
For vice or virtue to prevail.
Too indolent, unless befriended,
To keep our heavy arm extended,
In careless ease we let it drop,
And virtue falls with vice atop.
In such a case, 'tis my opinion,
Rather than vice should hold dominion,
We'd best confess our arm is weak,
And succour in Religion seek;
There we can find a potent charm,
Sufficient to support an arm
Of nature's smallest, weakest son,
Although that arm should weigh a ton.

But stay, I'll demonstrate my meaning:
When Victory once by turns was leaning
On different sides of hostile foes,
Now aiding these, now helping those;
Doubtful which way to turn the scale,
That this or that should most prevail,
The leader of the chosen band,
In Israel's favor rais'd his hand,
And quick as thought their foes retreat,
Nor dared the tide of fate to meet;
His hand withdrawn, the vanquish'd turn,
And with rekindled ardor burn,
While Israel's ranks dismay'd and broke,
By thousands fell beneath the stroke.
In this dilemma, undismay'd,
He calls for holy Aaron's aid,
(A beauteous figure of that power,
Who still supports us every hour)
The wearied arm the Priest sustain'd,
And Israel soon the field regain'd,
On their pursuers turn'd the flood,
And dyed the plain with heathen blood;
Thus gain'd the day and battle too,
And pay'd their vows wherever due.

A female, not to vice inclined,
Whose taste and manners are refined;
With sensibility enough
To feel, and weep, and such like stuff;
Who would not, for her credit's sake,
In public countenance a rake;
Who goes to church, like me and you,
Because mankind in general do;

I say, a female, of this sort,
(And half the sex are such, I'm taught)
Alive to elocution's charms,
And all the delicate alarms,
Which the sweet honey of persuasion,
Might in her fluttering breast occasion;
May, in the course of life's affairs,
While at the church repeating prayers,
Prefer (for all possess a taste)
Some clergyman to all the rest.
So great his powers in declamation,
It wraps her soul in admiration;
So warm his fervor and his zeal,
She must unknown devotion feel;
She seems in some celestial region....
She thinks, in short, she loves religion.
How dull appears the lingering week,
She longs so much to hear him speak;
To view those eyes of meek devotion,
And feel again that sweet emotion.
The Sabbath comes....to church she goes,
Again the stream of rapture flows;
And, as he meets his various duties,
She sees new, undiscovered beauties.
She feels that life's insipid round
Affords no sweets like those she's found,
And wonders why she wandered wrong,
In search of happiness so long.

I'll not assume the high commission
To judge of such a soul's condition,
But would, with modesty, enquire,
Is it religion, or desire?

Which champion, in the mental field,
Has made his adversary yield?
Which beats? (I ask with motive civil)
Which beats, the angel or the devil?

Is our digression long enough....
Or are you fond of moral stuff?
If so, I will relate a tale,
Which shows how oft our efforts fail
To hide our shame; because the means
Which we would hide behind, as screens,
Will often play a trick so scurvy,
That we are blown up topsy-turvy.
Have patience, friend, we'll be in court
Full time enough to see the sport;
Then give the beasts a chance to dine,
Who've appetites like yours and mine.

Clarinda was a country lass,
Possessing charms enough to pass;
With rosy cheeks and buxom mein—
The greatest romp upon the green.
Her father, justice in the place,
Was a great lover of the chase,
And in pursuit of fowl and deer,
He spent the third of every year.
Yet to official duty's claim
He'd yield the swift pursuit of game;
And take his see with such a grace,
As show'd he knew his proper place.
Clarinda had imbibed a passion....
Not for a clown, or man of fashion,
But...(laugh ye belles, of dressing prouder)
A passion for the....smell of powder.

O wonderful spirit of prophecy, that could thus foretel the invention of gunpowder! Had this story been written for Zoologian libraries, at that day, it could not have been comprehended.

Never experienced she such pleasure
As, when alone and quite at leisure,
To steal her father's hunting flask,
And then commence her martial task;
Lay a long train upon the floor,
Then touch it off....and then lay more;
And this was still her occupation,
In spite of dad's expostulation;
Till finding nothing could reclaim her,
He swore coercive means should tame her.

One day, Clarinda, left at home,
Had nought to do but romp and roam,
When, with a resolution rash,
She vow'd she'd have one little flash;
So, after closing every door,
Upon the middle of the floor,
She built a pyramid of powder,
Moistened and prest, to speak the louder.
From this she led a circling train,
All round the room, and round again;
And then a piece of twisted paper,
To serve as slow-match, crown'd her caper.
From farthest corner of the room,
Clarinda view'd her match consume,
Waiting to see the flame attain
The other end, and light the train;
But, ere her hopes were realized,
Approaching steps the maid surprised;
Who, thinking that her dad was near,
And quite beside herself with fear,
Thought nothing of the train or match,
But, like a fowl that sits to hatch,

To put suspicion fast asleep,
She, squatting down, conceal'd the heap;
Her father enters....she turns pale....
The train is caught, and—there's my tale.

A short repast the beasts partook,
And quaff'd the cool refreshing brook;
Then sported round the flowery plain,
Till Leo took his seat again.
The Bulls, apart from all the rest,
Reposed on nature's velvet vest,
And ruminating there at ease,
On both the learned counsel's pleas,
The fragrant cud at leisure chew'd,
At once digesting law and food.
But soon aroused by Jackall's roar,
They all assembled as before;
When Dama took his former station,
And thus pursued examination;
A Magpie, on defendant's side,
To his enquiries thus replied:

Dama.
Come, little Mag, we wish to know
What you can tell.

Mag.
Two years ago,
With Capra I commenced my stay,
Nor left her till this year, in May.
I built my nest within her stall,
She gave me seed, and drink, and all;
And, in return, I had to fly
On all her errands, low and high;
And, when her little kids would weep,
To sing the noisy rogues to sleep.

Dama.
And were you sent, among the rest,
To invite the Mastiff as a guest?

Mag.
O! frequently. Whene'er her mate
Was going out to tarry late,
She bade me urge the dog to come,
As Capricorn was not at home;
And, if he spoke with hesitation,
Repeat and press the invitation?

Dama.
And when he came, what pass'd between them.

Mag.
Her care was such I've never seen them;
For all the birds were sent away,
As long as Canis pleased to stay.
One evening, after sending thrice,
(Her kid went once, and I'd been twice)
She bade me tell him to be quick.
And come, or Capra would be sick!

Dama.
Alas! poor Gout!

Mag.
I've seen her, too,
Expose her dugs to public view;
And ask a Stag, with wanton air,
If e'er he saw so fine a pair.

Cross-examined, by Pardus.
Pardus.
Did she then know that you were by?

Mag.
I cannot tell.

Pardus.
Inform us why
You left her service, little bird?

Mag.
Because she did not keep her word.

Pardus.
Was Capra suckling, when she show'd
The Stag her dugs?—explain the mode.

Mag.
Yes, I believe that was the case.

Pardus.
How look'd the beast?

Mag.
He hid his face.

Reynard.
A thing not common to the breed.

Cervus.
A modest fox were rare indeed.

Dama.
Who's next?

Leopardus.
The Parrot.

Dama.
Pretty Poll,
Let's hear your story....tell it all.

Poll.
An Antelope accused the cur
Of some attempts to ravish her;
And made complaints to all the fold,
Of acts which ought to be controll'd.
They met to hear her accusation,
But found, on her examination,
That he had nothing rude committed,
So proved she lied, and him acquitted.
A short time after, (this I know
Was just about two years ago)
I ask'd the Goat, in friendly chat....
“Would Canis do a thing like that?”
“No, she replied, 'tis all a lie,
For who's so free with him as I?
And, were he so disposed, you see,
I think he might have ravish'd me.
Why, once I gave him every chance,
And made myself a warm advance,
So, were he wantonly inclin'd,
He must have then been dull or blind.”
I heard her rally Felis, once,
And call her partner-cat a dunce;
While she the charge reiterates,
Till both at length condemn their mates.
One day she told me she believed,
From circumstances, she'd conceived

But added, “if a kid be born,
It can't belong to Capricorn.”

Ursus.
Where was it Capra made advances,
And gave the Dog these secret chances?

Poll.
'Twas on Missouri's verdant brink,
Where both had been to bathe and drink.

Ursus.
When Capra held the modest chat,
About their partners, with the Cat,
Did it degrade them in your eyes?

Poll.
It could not well be otherwise.

Equus.
And had not Capra, then, my bird,
With several kids increased the herd?

Poll.
She had.

[Parrot dismissed.]
Dama.
Who's next?

Leopardus.
Columba! here,
We next must call on you my dear;
Please take the stand

Dama.
My gentle bird,
Inform us what you've seen and heard.

Columba.
We Pigeons, sir, in flocks reside
Hard by the river, 'tother side;
But I have often hither flown,
And left my mate at home alone.
In summer time, two years ago,
Capra and I contrived it so,
That I should fly across the river,
And spend an hour in private with her.
While we conversed on different things,
The newest cut for pigeon-wings,

It is not to be supposed that the polite accomplishment of dancing had ever been introduced among the savage race; how then, exclaims the critic, became they acquainted with one of the most beautiful steps belonging to that art? Why, Mr. What-I've-call'em, Fashion, that fickle goddess, eldest daughter of Iris, by that unparalleled rake Old Mr. Caprice, has existed in all ages, countries, nations, kingdoms and people, biped or quadruped, civilized or uncivilized, ever since Adam and Eve emerged from swaddling-clothes. Is it, then, so very unnatural, sir, that two females should converse upon the subject of dress and ornament, when they were alone together for one whole hour? In this kingdom of brutes, at the time my author wrote, the shape of wings, the color of hair, and the crook of horns, were esteemed considerations of the first importance. Let this explanation serve for every other passage in the whole poem, where there is the shadow of allusion to the same project.

My friend Samuel must be mistaken, when he declares that the daughter of Iris was begotten by Mister Caprice. It is not in the nature of things to suppose Caprice is any thing more or less than a woman. I and Doctor Johnson, both of us, agree in this; and also Mr. Shakspeare, who says,

“Frailty, thy name is woman!

And for a more strong conviction, I say, in my Classical Dissertation on the nature of Things,

O! Woman! What art thou, Woman!
Tristram Kickshins.

Or the most fashionable hair,
And beard, and horns, for Goats to wear,
She ask'd me if I did not hate

To be so long without my mate?
“For, added she, I never could,
If Capricorn was only good;
But I am ne'er the better for him,
Unless I teaze, and kick, and spur him.”

Pardus.
My lord, I humbly do conceive—

Equus.
My lord—

Pardus.
I'll speak, sir, by your leave....
My lord—

Leopardus.
My lord—

Equus.
My lord—

Martin.
My lord—

Leopardus.
We have a right—

Pardus.
Hear me one word;
This seems on billingsgate to border—

Reynard.
I wish—

Equus.
Your lordship—

Court.
Order! Order!

Equus.
I'll not object, my lord, about
This fiend-like malice coming out...

Vertagus.
That term will suit the accusation,
Not the defence.

Equus.
Their own damnation
Is seal'd by such defence, I think.

Reynard.
It seals our safety from its brink.

Cross-examined, by Pardus.
Pardus.
What was your answer? let us know.

Columba.
I could not speak, it shock'd me so.

Pardus.
And flew you then direct away?

Columba.
I did not many minutes stay.

Pardus.
How often, since, have you been there?

Columba.
Not more than once or twice, I'll swear.

Can.
[aside to Dam.]
The Pigeon's evidence will do.

Dama.
You may say that....she's up a few.

Canis.
More tales like this this, from others fish'd,
Will blast her fame, and Capra's dish'd.

Dama.
There's plenty to confirm Columba's.
Call up the next. Who is't?

Leopardus.
Palumbes.

Dama.
Give way, and let the Ringdove pass....
Fly over all their heads, my lass.
What can you tell in this affair?

Palumbes.
I sat upon a willow....

Dama.
Where?

Palumbes.
Close to the rapid river's brim,
Where both the parties came to swim.
From sporting on the rolling billow,
They came to sport beneath my willow;
Capra of being chill'd complain'd,
Though I believed her shivering feign'd;
Then nestling down with fondest care
He warm'd her with his—shaggy hair;
And in that posture, by the powers,
They lay together two long hours.
I thought her conduct quite improper,
But then I had no right to stop her.

[Palumbes dismissed.]
Reyn.
Capra appears to've been a hold wench.

Dama.
Is Carduelis here, the Goldfinch?
O there you are....come forward, Miss.
You've seen the prosecutrix kiss
The Mastiff? Tell us where and when.

Carduelis.
Four years ago....I lived there then.

He'd just been shorn, and look'd so sleek,
She to her bosom press'd his cheek,
And kiss'd him.

Dama.
That you say you saw?

Carduelis.
I did: she prest him with her paw.

Cross-examined, by Pardus.
Pardus.
Did Capra know you saw her do it?

Carduelis.
No, I expect they neither knew it.

Leopardus.
The Blackbird's next.

Dama.
Merula, you
Know Capra?

Merula.
Yes, indeed I do:
You'll always find within her door
A dozen singing birds or more.
Two years ago, myself was one,
And then I saw a deal of fun;
Such pains the Goat would take, to keep
The watchful guardian of the sheep.
She would the best of food prepare,
Then send a bird to coax him there,
And if her message was in vain,
She'd send it o'er and o'er again.

(Merula dismissed.)
Dama.
And now Penelope, for you....
You know the parties?

Penelope.
Yes. I do,
As well as any Widgeon here.

Dama.
How did the Goat to you appear?

Penelope.
You'll judge from what on oath I state.
Canicula, the Mastiff's mate,
Invited me, a year ago,
To chat with her an hour, or so.

The Goat came in while I was there,
And ask'd the Dog, with such an air!
“What think you of my corporation?
My shape's improved to admiration;
You wish Canicula, I know,
Were thriving in dimensions so.”
And so went on with such-like stuff,
Till he, I guess, was sick enough.

[Penelope dismissed.]
Canis.
You guess, my pretty Widgeon, truly.

Reynard.
Who's next?

Dama.
The lovely Monedula.

Reynard.
I'll question her. My pretty Daw,
Of this affair, tell what you saw.

Monedula.
I've often heard the Dog complain,
That Capra's fondness gave him pain:
I've seen her practise every art,
And play the suppliant's humble part,
Enticing him to go with her,
Yet meet repulses from the Cur.
When too much teaz'd with invitation,
He sometimes left his occupation,
And spent an evening with her...still
It seem'd repugnant to his will.
She said, “the beasts will sometimes talk,
Because I go with him to walk,
But I do'nt care a straw who knows it,
While my blind mate will not oppose it.”
I sometimes ask'd her if she thought
The various charges which were brought
Against her favorite, were true?
She answered, they were false she knew.

I told her I believed them so...
And this was not four months ago.

Cross-examined by Ursus.
Ursus.
Is Canis on good terms with you?

Monedula.
On terms becoming any two.

Ursus.
And did he ever kiss you?

Monedula.
No.
But even if it had been so,
I'd not have brought him into court,
To expose myself for public sport.

Loop.
A decent hint for Capra, that...

[aside to Can.
Canis.
For Capra, Scrofa, and the Cat.

Ursus.
Did Capra, oftener than the rest,
Invite the Dog to be her guest?
Or did he visit all he knew?

Mondeula.
I have seen others urge him too,
But not like Capra.

Ursus.
What was told
Concerning Canis in the sold?
What was his character?

Vertagus.
My lord,
I bar the question. Not a word
Have we adduced before the court,
Our client's credit to support;
Such threads we've not thought fit to tissue,
And therefore 'tis not put in issue.
We cannot be prepared to meet
The vague reports our foes repeat,
All foreign to the present charge.
But on this point I'll not enlarge;
His lordship knows as well as I
Such questions are not legal.

Ursus.
Why?

My lord, my learn'd opponent shows,
How little of the law he knows,
About reports to raise a clatter,
Which lead directly to the matter.
They're not illegal, I contend.

Court.
We can't admit them.

Ursus.
Then they end.

[Monedula dismissed.]
Dama.
Numidica is next.

Reynard.
Desire
Her Turkeyship to walk up higher.
You've lived with Canis. Saw you aught
In Capra's visits, that you thought
Improper?

Numidica.
Seven months ago
She came....though half-leg deep in snow;
And with the Dog retired behind
A rock which screen'd them from the wind;
They soon returned, when Capra cried,
“Adieu, my dear!....I'm satisfied!”

Dama.
O rare exploit! auspicious day
In Capra's life!

Numidica.
Then went away.

Cross-examined by Ursus.
Ursus.
Did they converse about the flock,
Before they went behind the rock?

Numidica.
All that I heard was, she desired
A secret word, and they retired:
The subject of their conversation,
Perhaps surpass'd my penetration.

Reynard.
'Twas not too deep for Capra's, though,
If we may judge from what we know.

Here, for the present, rest the case,
And give our adversaries place.

The prosecution next commence,
Examining their evidence;
Bubo their names proclaim'd aloud.
And having drawn them from the crowd,
He qualified them with a phiz,
As grave as any judge's is.
Asinus first assumed the stand,
An Ass, with mein and manners bland;
With aspect modest and serene,
Perhaps the meekest ever seen;
Whose movements ne'er surpast a pace,
Save when he sought the Dog's disgrace,
And then, as if the de'll pursued,
He gallop'd swiftly through the wood.

Ursus.
What conversation did you hold,
With Canis, guardian of the fold,
Respecting Capra's accusations?

Reynard.
Here's more reports and conversations.
But I sincerely hope, my lord,
Before this testimony's heard,
The nature of it may be scann'd,
And fully open'd.

Ursus.
Understand,
My learn'd opponents, 'tis to show
That the defendant, months ago,
Made to Asinus full confession,
And own'd the whole of his transgression.

Asinus.
We instituted a committee
To talk with Canis out of pity;

Advise him to confess his errors,
Nor meet disgrace with all its terrors;
But the alarming danger shun.
Of this committee I was one.
Felis desired an interview
With Canis.

Leopardus.
What have we to do
With Cats again? Why not relate
The theme of any tete-a-tete
As well as this? Such evidence
Repugnant is to common sense.

Ursus.
This conversation was, my lord,
Communicated, word for word,
To Canis, and on that was built
The full confession of his guilt;
'Twas the inducement, or the basis
Of his confession...such the case is.

Dama.
My lord, confessions cannot be
Direct, (so it appears to me)
When such inducements....such extortion,
Have drawn them forth....why, 'tis abortion;
There must be no inducement, sir,
To a confession of the Cur.

Equus.
My lord, I will maintain there should,
That it may well be understood
What the confession has betray'd,
And in what spirit it was made.

Court.
You may go on and tell the court
What you to Canis did report,
If to the point it bear relation.

Ursus.
Did you report the conversation

Between the Goat and Felis?

Asinus.
Yes.

Dama.
I must again object to this.
We're not prepared in our defence
To answer hear-say evidence,
Which this but leads to introduce....
I must object to such abuse.

Pardus.
While they so very active are
To impeach our witness, 'tis but fair
To let her former declaration
Give present ones corroboration.
And secondly, my lord, we would,
Have the concealment understood,
Accounted for, by showing you
What first from her the secret drew.
And thirdly, touching the transgression,
Show what induced the Dog's confession,
And in what sense 'twas understood:
Is not such testimony good?

Vertagus.
This is a most refined pretence
To introduce, as evidence,
The accusations of a herd
Who can't substantiate a word,
And who, besides, dare not appear
To make these accusations here.
If the shrill mewings of a Cat
Against the Dog, with this and that,
Are here admitted, in succession,
As an inducement to confession,
Crimes might against the Dog appear,
Which he's no right or power to clear.

Already there has been enough
Aspersions, charges, and such stuff,
Spread round by Scandal's busy hand,
Without support on which to stand.
Scrofa, the Sow, who did her share,
In charges here before the chair,
Was proved, and is considered, now,
An infamous lascivious Sow,
For slander's filthy gutter fitted,
And Canis was of course acquitted.
Yet now, our adversaries wish
To serve, a second time, this dish.
Well, then, my noble lord, suppose
That, after all this slander goes
Ex Parte to the horned jury,
For so it must be I assure you,
That no confession should appear?
It goes for nothing then, 'tis clear....
But probably your lordship thinks,
As I do, that such slander stinks,
And that the court ought not to hear it.
Not that our client need to fear it,
But that, my noble lord, because,
'Tis innovating on the laws.
At all events, it must be best,
If Canis any thing confest,
To let it first be simply stated,
And when its nature is debated,
If it then call for explanation
There's time enough.

Reynard.
One observation,

And only one will I intrude.
It must, I think, be understood,
That a confession, in the fold,
However black, should not be told.
Unless necessity may call,
It should not be reveal'd at all;
'Twould be a breach of confidence,
Excusable on no pretence.
For sake of argument, suppose
He did confess....whate'er he chose;
That they extorted some expression
Which they denominate confession;
On what condition was it made?
This, doubtless....“Not to be betray'd.”
Then why uncharitably reveal
What they have promised to conceal?
This, I affirm, is acting wrongly.

Equus.
Which I, my lord, deny as strongly;
I reconcile such evidence
To conscience, law and common sense.

Court.
Asinus, you'd a conversation,
Which to the subject bears relation,
With the defendant? Please to state it.

Asinus.
I will, my lord, with truth relate it:
By the request of Felis, sir,
I had a meeting with the cur.
'Twas six days (I remember now)
Before the trial of the Sow.

Ursus.
But, on a certain time, did you
With Canis ask an interview?

Asinus.
I did, just after Scrofa's trial,
And he expressing no denial,

Agreed the interview to hold
In Mulus' stall below the fold.
A conversation I related,
(After the Cat her own had stated
With the defendant) which would let
Some accusations—

Vertagus.
With regret,
I interrupt the evidence,
(If to that name it have pretence)
But duty bids me say, my lord,
With your indulgence....but one word...
[to Ursus.
It strikes me that whate'er they call
Confessions here, will, after all
The means to which they have resorted,
Turn out to be from him extorted,
By unfair threats....if that's the case,
The jury should not give it place.
I, therefore, lest debate should tire,
Would beg his lordship to enquire,
Whether, amid such threatening furies,
The Dog was so far sui juris,
As that his words, without restriction,
Are proofs enough for his conviction.
My lord, confessions should be made
Where neither hopes nor fears invade,
To be sufficient evidence
Of any Dog's conviction: hence,
That offered by the present witness
Is now opposed for its unfitness.
For if it should, my lord, appear,
That these concessions rose from fear

Of such an hostile combination,
Which play'd on his imagination;
Which sported with his hopes and fears,
While in dismay, distress, and tears,
Lest malice, should he not confess,
Would murder all his happiness:
I say, my lord, if this be true,
He'd a more dreadful fate in view,
Than the worst Alligator's fury,
That swims the waters of Missouri.

Leopardus.
When officers come into court
A beast's confession to report,
It is their duty first to swear,
That 'twas not gain'd by means unfair;
That threats nor bribes the secret wrung,
But free volition moved the tongue.
This is the right of the accused;
And though the threats or bribes be used
By inducement of the prosecutor,
Or by himself ...as best shall suit her,
It still destroys the evidence.

Equus.
Reason, my lord....mere common sense,
Is full enough to show each word
My friends have said, to be absurd.
But let the question now be put
And if they get an answer to't
In their own favor, by permission,
We'll then have time for disquisition.

Pardus.
Asinus, previous to relating
To Canis, what the Cat was stating,
And what the Gout had told the Cat,
Did you use threats? come, answer that.

Asinus.
I answer no. But Felis told him,
In tone as if she meant to scold him,
That if he did not see her mate,
Her mate would see the Mastiff, straight.

Court.
Could what you uttered be construed
As promises, or threatenings rude;

Asinus.
'Twas hoped, my lord, as all advised,
The matter would be compromised.
Before confession, nought was stated
Concerning what the Cat related.
Her own affair, we hoped, would drop,
And no one ever rake it up.
My charges 'gainst the Dog, were three....
Just as the Goat had told to me:
First, his professions of affection,
Which met from Capra due rejection;
And, secondly, resort to force,
Which rudeness was repell'd....(of course)
And, thirdly, what took place between
The parties at the granary scene.
I then began, and to his face,
Pronounced him infamous and base;
He wept and so did the committee....

“A Dog weep! nonsense! such a thing was never heard of—I'd not believe it, though himself should swear it” Why, my friend, you must be an ignorant puppy, if you really doubt the fact. How do you define the word weep? I tell you, once for all, that there is a Zoologian method of weeping as well as of kissing. Every thing has its mode. Who does not know that a Deer, taken by the hounds, sheds tears like a man? Some brutes possess more sensibility than some men.

Translator.

My learned friend Samuel is correct: and I am happy to find he agrees with myself and Dr Johnson. If a dog is capable of laughing, why should we suppose he is deprived the opposite sensation? for instance,

“High diddle diddle, the Cat's in the fiddle,

“The dish run after the spoon;

“The Little Dog laugh'd to see such craft,

“The Cow jump'd over the moon.”

Harvey's Meditation, in the Tombs. Thus we find, from undoubted authority, that a dog can laugh; and to prove that he can cry, I will give an extract from a beautiful Poem which I wrote on Mosquito shooting, where I say

“The 'Sketers they made such a hum,
“The little dogs all wept—by Gum!”
Tristram Kickshins.

He through confusion....we from pity.
He said he felt such keen distress
He would the shameful truth confess;
That his behaviour to these two
(The Cat and Goat) was bad he knew;
So bad, he'd thought the Sow was sent
An instrument of punishment.
He afterwards, however, said
That this confession which he made,

Was not intended to include
The acte, but conversations rude.

Cross-examined by Reynard.
Reynard.
What office did the Mastiff hold,
Before appointed in the fold?

Asinus.
Near Mississippi's farthest spring,
He waited on our Mammoth king.

Dama.
What character does Capra bear?

Asinus.
I never heard but that 'twas fair.

Court.
Did she assert, do you suppose,
That she could lead you by the nose?

Asinus.
I heard she said so, but must doubt it....
At least, I care not much about it.

Dama.
Told she the truth, that you by many,
Were call'd no name but “Sister Nanny?”

Asinus.
Envy alone gave me that name....
It never ting'd my cheek with shame.

Reynard.
That which would cause an Ass to blush
Would bury other beasts in brush.

At this couplet many of my friends have stumbled; but to me it appears as plain as A, B, C. It amounts simply to this: “An action that would make an Ass feel ashamed, would cause other beasts to fly into a thicket, and hide their heads in underwood or brush.”
Translator.
My friend Samuel is wrong again. The Arabian author meant, brush! that is, be off! Or as a Grecian author says, Push on, keep moving, my hearty! And I have classically expressed a similar sentiment in my Dissertation on Earthen Ware, where I say,
That bitch has broke my pickle pot,
And she shall brush—by all that's hot!
Tristram Kickshins.

[aside.
Equus.
Who was the first, of all the fold,
That call'd you so?

Asinus.
I've not been told.

Dama.
Believed you Scrova's accusation?

Asinus.
Not till the present confirmation;
But now I do, and so I told
The Mastiff, when before the fold.

Reyn.
You thought that Capra was not blameless?
But prone to acts which....shall be nameless.

Asinus.
If I made use of that expression,
'Twas grounded on the Dog's confession.

Reynard.
You have felt deeply interested
In this affair, since first contested?

Cervus.
To that inquiry I object.

Dama.
I'll prove the question is correct;
Because, my lord, it will be seen
That this meek Ass was moved by spleen;
Was urged by hate and envy's sway,
Like some inveterate beast of prey;
To range the forest, hill and bog,
For instruments to crush the Dog.

Court.
Do you feel enmity or hate
Against the Dog?

Asinus.
I mourn his fate;
Consider him a fallen brother,
Nor hate him worse than any other.

Dama.
And for your fallen brother's good
Did you not ransack all the wood,
In search of counsel for the state,
To seal your fallen brother's fate?

Asinus.
That I can answer, if I must.

Dama.
Did not my friend, the Courser, first,
Apply to you for leave to act
Against him?

Equus.
I deny the fact.
The course I took, my lord, was built
On full persuasion of his guilt;
And when retain'd, did not advise
This prosecution, till my eyes
Were fully opened by Asinus,
Who did himself refuse to join us,
Till I insisted his support
Should be demanded by the court.

Dama.
Has not some comrade often found you
With groups of cattle all around you,

Urging their malice not to soften?

Asinus.
I've talked about it very often.

Dama.
You saw the Goat, some time before,
Kiss Canis, at the granary door?

Asinus.
I never said I witness'd that;
But I have heard he kiss'd the Cat;

As the affection of Canis for the Cat has been several times mentioned in the course of this poem, and as that circumstance appears repugnant to the practice of these times, an explanation may be necessary. Know, therefore, that in ancient times, there was not that positive distinction among animals which exists at the present day; and in the Pug, the Greyhound, Lap dog &c. we find the descendants of Dog and Cat. A particular fondness is said to have existed for the Lap Dog by all the brute creation, and especially the Cat. And notwithstanding the growing evil which the too frequently indulging this animal has occasioned, we find it continued even until this late period. Hence we account for the motley variety visible in almost every tribe of animals.

Such conduct may some creatures suit,
But I have never kiss'd a brute;
They may permit a canine elf,
But I will never do't myself.

Ovis.
Good reason why, unpolished brute!
No decent sheep would let you do't.

[aside.

The Ass retired with gentle pace,
And most serene unruffled face;
Among the neighing tribes to stray,
And barter rotten oats for hay;
For where he fed, beneath a wall,
He kept a kind of broker's stall;
And when a brute, for lack of grass,
Begg'd but a mouthful from the Ass,
He'd give a scanty lock of hay,
And take the suppliant's hide in pay.

Of better mettle, but of grain
More stubborn than the flinty plain,
A Mule, of obstinate deport,
Now stalk'd majestic into court,
Attended by his gentle mate,
On whose fair lips hung Mastiff's fate.
This beast had roam'd the savage waste,
And knew a thousand plants by taste;
So undertook, nor fear'd of failing,
To cure each beast of every ailing;

And we had ne'er a quack to school us,
So much admired as doctor Mulus.
He took his station, as desired,
And Cervus of him thus inquired:

Cervus.
Had you a conversation, sir,
About this matter, with the cur?
Inform the court if that's the case,
How, when, and where the same took place.

Mulus.
I heard a conversation pass
Between the Dog, the Cat, and Ass;
For I was present, by request,
To hear what talk escaped the rest.

Cervus.
What conversation did you note
Concerning injuries done the Goat?

Mulus.
Asinus, Felis, Dog and all,
Came, by agreement, to my stall,
Some distance from the river shore—
I'll tell the truth and nothing more.

[earnestly.
Cervus.
Did Felis any charge produce
From Capra, of the Dog's abuse?
Tell us the Mastiff's conversation....
What said the Cur on that occasion?

Mulus.
The Cat charged Canis with the vice
Of telling Capra, once or twice,
How much he loved her....for which cause
He'd find that she (the Cat) had claws;
“For had you not, continued she,
Made love to her as well as me,
My own complaint had not come out”—

Reyn.
A little jealousy, I doubt.

[aside.
Mulus.
Canis confess'd that some expressions
Had dropt from him like love-professions,

Which Capra had repell'd with scorn,
Threatening to tell her Capricorn;
To leave the fold, and take no more
Her rations at the granary door.

Reyn.
We recollect these rations, well.

Leop.
What further from the Mastiff fell?

Mulus.
He said, in a peculiar note,
“Capra's an artful, cunning Goat;
But I could circumstances state
To ruin Capra with her mate,
And give her credit such a shock,
That she'd be scorn'd by all the flock.”
I ask'd the Dog, in great surprise,
What gave to that assertion rise,
For nothing had I ever seen,
In Capra's conduct bad or mean.
He answered thus: “I only meant
That acts, which may be innocent,
Might be display'd in such a light,
That they'll appear as black as night;
And should I something so display,
Her reputation fades away.”
But, added, when I look'd surprised,
That such a measure he despised.
“Take note of that!!!”

Leop.
Hold, doctor Mule!
In this place you must bend to rule.
And such impertinence again,
Perhaps may meet a bit and rein.

This is the second time that this expression occurs in the present work; and we cannot help observing, that, though Sampfilius might have been well acquainted with every equestrian appendage, still we cannot conceive how a Leopard should be so familiar with the terms.

The Translator.

Mulus.
I merely by those words design'd,
That it should not escape your mind.

Three charges next Asinus made,
The same which he has here displayed,
Against the Dog, who heard them through,
And then acknowledged....“it is true.”
On that, with most pathetic bray,
The Ass attempted to display
The danger of his awful course,
On which he dwelt with warmth and force.
Canis replied, “I will confess,
That I have err'd....

Vertagus.
No Ass does less.

[aside
Mulus.
“But must my innocence avow
Of charges stated by the Sow.”
As I some things began to urge,
Bauin applied to stop a purge;
And going to relieve the Bear,
Mula, I found was listening there,
Who said that she—

Leop.
That will not do,
Do not tell us what she told you;
But let us hear what next took place,
When you'd prescribed for Bauin's case.

Mulus.
When I return'd, to please my mate,
I let her witness the debate;
Who ask'd, the moment she appeared,
The meaning of the speech she heard,
And what poor Capra had been doing,
That Canis could effect her ruin?
“Why, my dear sister, he replied,
I only meant, that, if I tried,
I could make things so bad appear,
That she'd have every thing to fear.”

And then he mentioned an affair
To Mula known, about a Mare
Who innocently suffered so,
Above a year and half ago.
My mate enquired if he had seen
An action wanton, base, or mean,
In Capra's conduct, or had heard
Her tongue pronounce a naughty word?
And vow'd, if that should be the case,
The flock should bring her to disgrace.
He answer'd Mula, that he had
Known nought of Capra mean or bad;
But that a beast, inclined to ill,
Might consummate her ruin still.
Then in an accent low and meek,
With fallen tail and moistened cheek,
He ask'd if we our rage would smother?
“Forgive, he cried, a fallen brother!”
Asinus readily agreed,
And so we all forgave the deed;
Bade him depart, and sin no more,
And this affair should all blow o'er.
The Ass proposed for one to go
To Capricorn's, and ward the blow;
I undertook it for my brother,
Having more influence than another.

Reyn.
With Capricorn, or Capra, doctor?

Mulus.
I scorn your words, pedantic proctor!

Reyn.
I must request the court, I fear,
To check your insolent career;
I cannot tell, unmanner'd Mule!
If you're a quack in physic's school;

But that you're one in declamation
Needs not the proof of demonstration.
So now go on, with gentler pace.

Mulus.
I soon arriv'd at Capra's place,
And told her that the whole affair,
Through Felis' means, was taking air;
And wish'd, if possible, it might
Be buried in oblivious night.
The Goat, in monstrous rage, on that
Began to rail against the Cat,
For thus exposing, to the fold,
What she in confidence had told.
She now would have to tell her mate,
Before he heard another's prate;
For if he got it first from them,
Herself unheard he might condemn.

Cervus.
Did you return and tell the Cur,
What past between yourself and her?

Mulus.
I told the Dog our conversation,
And that 'twas her determination
To tell her mate the whole affair;
When he exclaim'd, in deep despair,
“My ruin follows the disclosure!
Will she persist in my exposure?
My future fate, my life or death
Suspended hang on Capra's breath;
'Tis hers to save, or else destroy
My every hope of earthly joy.
If you can do me any good,
For Mammoth's sake, I wish you would!”
I told him that he might depend
On my exertions as a friend;

And so we parted.

Cervus.
When had you
With Capricorn an interview?

Mulus.
He came that evening to my stall,
And said his mate had told him all.
He seem'd composed, sedate and cool,
But obstinate.

Reyn.
As any Mule.

[aside
Mulus.
Resolved to seek for satisfaction,
And institute a legal action.
I used my rhetoric in vain
His resolution to restrain;
And so did Sister Nanny too,
But our dissuasion would not do.
He swore to make the Mastiff smart,
And in that humor did depart.

Cross examined by Leopardus.
Leop.
You undertake, on oath, to say
You tried to do this thing away,
And wish'd to have it quite forgot?

Mulus.
I do.

Leop.
But tell me, did you not
Through all the wood pursue your rout,
And bray malicious slanders out,
To prejudice the beasts at large,
Against the object of their charge?

Mulus.
Not till I saw a combination
Resolved on virtue's degradation;
Prepared the cause of vico to prop,
While that of innocence should drop.

Leop.
Did not the fold expel you thence?

Mulus.
Not for the want of evidence

On my behalf.

Leop.
I wish to know
If you sought Mastiff's overthrow,
Or in his service was sincere?

Mulus.
The Cat would tell you, were she here.

Leop.
You thought your agency would tend
To serve the Mastiff as a friend?

Mulus.
I've told you once how I design'd it;
If you want other language, find it.

Reyn.
Answer directly with precision—
Did you think yours a friendly mission?

Mulus.
I did not think the Cat his friend,
But never did myself intend
To injure Canis in the least,
Whatever names I call'd the Beast.

Leop.
You said you pitied and forgave him?

Mulus.
Yes, so I did, and wish'd to save him.

Leop.
But since have changed?

Mulus.
I think 'twas time,
When Canis first confest his crime,
And then denied what he'd confest.

Leop.
The moment Capricorn exprest
His firm resolve to prosecute,
You turn'd, and join'd in the pursuit?

Mulus.
I changed opinion on the ground
That he had such supporters found,
As would destroy, in his defence,
The character of innocence;
Virtue asperse, to ward his fate,
And even implicate my mate.

Mulus dismissed, and Mula called.
Cervus.
Madam, you'll please to tell the court
Whate'er you know.

Reyn.
Except report.

Mula.
The cause of my intrusion, sir,
Was merely this—I heard the Cur
Tell Felis he could quite destroy
The Goat's fair fame, and every joy;
And easily effect her ruin.
The doctor being call'd by Bruin,
I ask'd him if he wa'nt ashamed
To hear poor Capra thus defamed?
And then requested his permission
To join the little inquisition;
Which being granted, I begun,
And ask'd what act the Goat had done
That he (the Mastiff) could destroy
Her reputation, peace, and joy?
The Mastiff answered—“you mistake;
My meaning was, that I could make
Some things, by glossing, seem so black,
That Capra's fame would go to wreck.”

The sun was set, and evening's shade
Hung deepening o'er the narrow glade;
The trees distill'd refreshing damps,
The fire flies trimm'd their little lamps;
The cricket tried his amorous note,
The tree-toad tuned his hoarser throat;
The bull-frog chaunted from the stream,
Sparkling with Cynthia's silver beam;
While whipperwills, from every grove,
Taught Echo's voice the tone of love.

Leo, fatigued with regal cares,
A long dull day of law affairs,
Required refreshing sleep's support,
And so adjourn'd the savage court.

END OF CANTO II.