 | The Braggard Captain |  |
SCENE II.
Enter PERIPLECTOMENES and PLEUSIDES,PERIPLECTOMENES.
Behold us here obedient to you.
Pal.
The sway is easy o'er the just and good.—
But I would know now, if we are to act
According to the plan we form'd within.
Per.
There's nothing our affair can profit more.
Pal.
You, Pleusides, say, what is your opinion?
Pleu.
Can it displease me, ought that pleases you?
(To Per.)
Who can I call my friend more than yourself?
Per.
You say what is obliging.
Pal.
So he should do.
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But, Sir, this hurts me,—to the very soul
Torments me.
Per.
What is't, that torments you?—Tell me.
Pleu.
To think I should engage you in an act
So young and puerile,—one of your years,—
So unbecoming of you and your virtue;—
That you should forward me with all your might
In my amour;—for you to do such things,
Which age like your's doth more avoid than follow!
It shames me, I should trouble thus your age.
Per.
You are a lover, man, of a new mode,
That you can blush at any thing you do.
Go, go, you nothing love.—A lover? No,
The semblance you, and shadow of a lover.
Ple.
Can it be right in me, Sir, to employ
One of your age to second my amour?
Per.
How say you? do I then appear to you
One o'th'next world already? do I seem
So near my grave, and to have liv'd so long?
Why troth I am not above fifty four:—
I have my eye-sight clear, and I can use
My hands, and walk well with my feet.
Pal.
What though
His hair be grey, he is not old in mind:
The same ingenuous temper still is in him.
Pleu.
True—I have found it, as you say, Palæstrio:
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Per.
Good guest, the more you try, the more you'll know
My courtesy towards you in your love.
Pleu.
Needs he conviction, who's convinc'd already?
Per.
Only that you may have sufficient proof
At home, so as abroad you need not seek it.—
He who has never been himself in love,
Can hardly see into a lover's mind:
For my part I have still some little spice
Of love and moisture in my frame; nor am I
Dried up as yet, or dead to love and pleasure.
And I can crack my joke at merry meetings,
And be a boon companion: I ne'er thwart
Another in discourse, but bear in mind,
To give offence to no one: I can take
My part and due share in the conversation;
But I am silent, when another's speaking:
No spitting, hawking, snivelling dotard I:
In fine I'm right Ephesian born and bred,
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Pal.
What a facetious brave old gentleman,
If he possess the qualities he mentions!
Sure he was brought up in the school of Venus.
Per.
I'll give you proofs of my complacency,
More than I'll vaunt. At table I ne'er clamour
On state affairs, or prate about the laws:
Nor do I ever, in the social hour,
Once cast a lewd glance at another's mistress:
Nor do I snatch the tid-bits to myself,
Or seize upon the cup before my turn:
Strife and dissention never do arise
From me through wine;—if any one offend me,
I go me home, and break off further parley:
When in the ladies company, I then
Resign me up to sprightliness and love.
Pleu.
Sir, your whole manners have a special grace:
Shew me but three men like you, and I'll forfeit
Their weight to you in gold.
Pal.
You shall not find
Another of his age, that's more accomplish'd,
More throughly to his friend a friend.
Per.
I'll make you
Own, in my manners I'm a very youngster;
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Need you an advocate t'inforce your suit,
Rude, and of fiery temper? I am he.
Need you a mild and gentle? You shall say,
I'm gentler than the sea, when it is hush'd,
And softer than the Zephyr's balmy breeze.
A jovial buck am I, a first-rate wit,
And best of caterers: then as for dancing,
No finical slim fop can equal me.
Pal.
(To Pleu.)
Of all these excellent accomplishments,
Which would you chuse, were you to have the option?
Pleu.
I would at least, my poor thanks could be equal
To his deserts, and your's; for I have giv'n you
A world of trouble.—But it much concerns me,
Th'expence I put you to.
(To Per.)
Per.
You are a fool;—
Expence forsooth!—Upon an enemy,
Or a bad wife, whatever you lay out,
That is expence indeed! But on a friend,
Or a good guest, what you expend is gain:
As also, what it costs in sacrifices,
Is by the wise and virtuous counted profit.—
Blest be the Gods, that courtesy I have
With hospitality to treat a stranger.
Eat, drink, and take your pleasure with me; load
Yourself with merriment; my house is free,
I free, and I would have you use me freely.
For, by the Gods kind favour I may say it,
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Of the best family, and well portion'd too:
But I don't chuse to bring into my house
An everlasting barker.
Pleu.
Why not marry?
'Tis a sweet burthen to have children.
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Troth
'Tis sweeter far to have one's liberty.
Pal.
Sir, you are able to direct yourself,
And give advice to others.
Per.
A good wife,—
If there was ever such an one on earth,—
Where can I find her?—Shall I bring home one,
That never will address me in this fashion?
“Buy me some wool, my dear, that I may make you
“A garment soft and warm, good winter cloathing,
“To keep your limbs from starving.” Not a word
Like this you'll ever hear come from a wife:—
But, ere the cock crow, from my sleep she'd rouze me,
Crying—“My dear, pray give me wherewithal
“I may present my mother in the Calends:—
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“Give something to bestow in the Quinquatria
“On the diviner, on th'enchantress, on
“The soothsayer:—it were an heinous crime
“To send them nothing;—how they'd look upon me!—
“And then it can't be, but I must present
“The sorceress with some kind and gentle token:—
“The taper-bearer is already angry,
“That she has nothing had:—the midwife too
“Upbraids me, that she has so little sent her:—
“What!—won't you then send something to the nurse,
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These, and a thousand other like expences,
Brought on by women, fright me from a wife,
Who'd plague and teaze me with the like discourses.
Pal.
The Gods in troth befriend you; for if once
You lose that liberty which now you hold,
You will not easily be re-instated.
Pleu.
Yet 'tis a reputation for a man
Of noble family and ample state,
To breed up children, as a monument
Unto himself and race.
Per.
Why need I children,
When that I have relations in abundance?—
I now live well and happily,—as I like,
And to my heart's content.—Upon my death,
My fortune I'll bequeath to my relations,
Dividing it among them.—They eat with me,
Make me their care, see what I have to do,
Or what I want; are with me before day,
To ask if I have slept well over-night:
They are to me as children: they are ever
Sending me presents: when they sacrifice,
I have a larger portion than themselves:
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To dine, to sup with them: he counts himself
The most unfortunate, that fends me least:
They vie with one another in their presents;
When to myself I whisper all the while,
Aye, aye, it is my fortune they gape after,
And therefore strive they in their gifts to me.
Pal.
You see things with a clear discerning spirit.
While you are well and hearty, we may say
You've children thick and three-fold.
Per.
Had I had,
I should have had anxiety enough
On their account: I think I should have died,
If son of mine had had a fall in liquor,
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My dread, that he had broke a leg at least,
If not his neck.—And then my apprehensions,
Lest that my wife should bring a monstrous brood,
Deform'd, and mark'd,—some bandy-leg'd, knock-kneed,
Or shambling, squint-eyed, tusk-tooth'd brat or other.
Pal.
This gentleman deserves an ample fortune,
And to have life continued to him long;
For why? he keeps him within bounds, and yet
Lives well, and is a pleasure to his friends.
Pleu.
What a sweet fellow!—As I hope heav'n's love,
'Twere fit the Gods should order and provide,
That all men should not hold their lives alike,
Squar'd by one rule: but as a price is fix'd
On different wares, that so they may be sold
According to their value;—that the bad
It's owner may impoverish by it's vileness;—
So it were just, the Gods in human life
Should make distinction due, and disproportion;
That on the well-disposed they should bestow
A long extent of years; the reprobate
And wicked they should soon deprive of life.
Were this provided, bad men would be fewer,
Less hardily they'd act their wicked deeds,
184
Per.
Whoever blames the counsels of the Gods,
And finds fault with them, is a fool and ignorant.—
No more then of these matters.—I'll to market,
That I may entertain you as I ought,
185
And a kind hearty welcome.
Pleu.
Shall I then
Have no remorse in putting you to charge?
Whene'er a man is quarter'd at a friend's,
If he but stay three days, his company
They will grow weary of; but if he tarry
Ten days together, though the master bear it,
The servants grumble.
Per.
Wherefore have I servants,
But to perform me service, not that they
Should bear authority o'er me, or hold me
Bounden to them?—If what I like they like not,
I steer my own course: though 'tis their aversion,
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But I will now proceed, as I intended,
To get provisions.
Pleu.
If you're so resolv'd,
Pray cater sparingly, at no great cost.—
For me, I am content with any thing.—
Per.
Away now with such antiquated stuff,
The ordinary cant of common folks,
Who, when they are sat down, and supper's serv'd,
Cry,—“What occasion was there for this charge
“On our account?—why sure, Sir, you was mad:—
“For, look ye, here's enough for half a score.”—
With what's provided for them they find fault,
And yet they eat.
Pal.
Faith 'tis their very way.—
How shrewd is his discernment!
Per.
All the while,
These self-same gentry, be it e'er so great
The plenty set before them, never say,—
“Here take this off;—away there with that dish;—
“Remove that gammon hence,—it is not wanted;—
“Take off that chine;—this conger will be good,
“When cold.”—Remove!—Carry away!—Take off!—
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From any of them;—but they stretch them forward,
And hang with half their bodies o'er the table,
Straining to snatch the daintiest bits.
Pal.
Good soul!
How well has he describ'd their scurvy manners!
Per.
What I have said is scarce an hundredth part
Of what I have in store, if leisure serv'd.
Pal.
Good,—it were fit then we should turn our thoughts
Upon our present business.—Mark me now,—
Both lend me your attention.—I have need,
Periplectomenes, of your assistance;
For I have hit upon a pleasant trick
Will clip his cock's-comb, shave our captain close,
188
To bear her off with him.
Per.
Impart to me
The plan of your device.
Pal.
Impart to me
That ring of your's.
Per.
For what end would you use it?
Pal.
When I have got it, I will then impart
The plan of my device.
Per.
(giving him the ring)
Here—use it, take it.
Pal.
Take in return from me the plan I've laid.
Pleu.
We both attend to you with open ears.
Pal.
My master's such a rake, so fond of women,
There never was his equal I believe,
Nor ever will be.
Per.
I believe the same.
Pal.
He boasts, that in his person he exceeds
Ev'n Alexander's self, and that he's followed
By all our women here in Ephesus.
Per.
Needs there much said? I know you do not lie,
But am convinc'd 'tis e'en so as you say.—
Be brief then, and compendious as you can.
Pal.
Well, can you find me a smart handsome wench,
Buxom in mind and body, full of art?
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Of what condition?—free by birth, or bond-woman
Made free?
Pal.
'Tis equal to me, so you find
One that lets out herself for hire, and draws
Support from prostitution.—She should have
A knowing mind;—I speak not of her heart,—
For that no woman has.
Per.
Would you a dame
Experienc'd, or a novice?
Pal.
I would have her
As brisk, as roguish, and as young as may be.
Per.
I have hard by one under my protection
Fit for your purpose,—a young courtesan.—
But how would you employ her?
Pal.
Bring her home,
And let her be apparell'd like a matron,
Her head well drest, her hair bound up with fillets:
Let her pretend, that she's your wife;—for so
You must instruct her.
Pleu.
I am at a loss,
What road it is you take.
Pal.
But ye shall know.
What maid has she?
Per.
A rare one.
Pal.
We have need
Of her too.—You must thus instruct them both,—
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That she's your wife, and doats upon this captain:
And we'll pretend moreover, that she gave
Her maid this ring, and that she brought it me
To give it to the captain, and I'll seem
A go-between in this affair.
Per.
I hear you,—
Don't stun me,—I'm not deaf.
Pal.
You understand me.
I will present our captain with this ring,
Tell him 'twas brought and giv'n me from your wife,
To win his favour: he's of such a nature,
That he'll affect her with a strong desire;
A rake-hell!—whose whole study is employ'd
In nothing but intrigue.
Per.
The sun himself,
Had you commission'd him to search them out,
Could not have found two fitter for the purpose,
Than those that I shall furnish.—Courage, man.
Pal.
'Tis necessary we should act with care,
And with dispatch.
[Exit Periplectomenes.
| The Braggard Captain | |