 | Beasts at law, or zoologian jurisprudence |  |
Pard.
Of what offence do you complain
Against defendant? Please explain.
Capra.
Two years ago, to have some chatter,
A parrot met....
Dama.
That's hear-say matter,
And to the question as irrelevant
As Dormouse to a fallen Elephant.
Equus.
As an inducement, (please not stop her)
Her evidence is good and proper.
Reynard.
My lord, I certainly object
To this assertion....'ta'nt correct;
They've only got to prove the fact,
Not what took place before the act.
For if they meddle with the cat,
We're dish'd at once....
(aside to Canis)
Canis.
(aside to Reynard)
You may say that.
Equus.
I think that I've a right, my lords,
To prove, not only acts but words;
For plain it must be to all eyes,
That actions oft from words arise;
And so it was in this affair,
As witness wishes to declare.
She was, my lord, about to state
Some rumors of an earlier date;
Which rumors caused the conversation
That gave defendant the occasion;
From which occasion, we'll suppose,
The vile dishonest wish arose;
Which wish, it cannot be denied,
Begat the crime for which he's tried.
So that if only traced correct,
We find the cause of this effect
Was rumor. What the rumors were
I wish the witness to declare;
But if you stop her, I maintain
We lose a link from off the chain.
The conversation and the act
Were one transaction, that's a fact;
And Reynard knows the law too well
To be in earnest. Let her tell.
Reynard.
For legal forms our veneration
Forbids the smallest innovation.
No rule, 'tis always understood,
Unless it work both ways, is good;
Yet hear-say stuff, against their side,
There's not a doubt would be denied;
And as it is for law's abuse meant,
It can't be good as an inducement.
Vertagus.
My lord, the public prosecutor
(Whose speech for Capra ought to suit her)
Express'd a wish that all the court
Remain unbiass'd by report;
And yet, it seems, they now commence
By calling hear-say evidence,
The jurors' minds to occupy
With things they came not here to try;
Things, too, however false or base,
That we are not prepared to trace.
I hope no rumor finds admission....
And humbly beg the court's decision.
Court.
Unless essential to the case,
We can't give hear-say matter place.
Pardus.
Well, Capra, then relate the fact,
And things coevous with the act.
Capra.
Pardus.
Did he attempt to stop you?
Capra.
No,
He soon was glad to let me go;
And when my tongue renewed its strength,
I gave the dirty cur its length;
Told him, as fast as I could rattle,
He was the worst of all God's cattle;
And then with just indignant ran!—
Reynard.
Go slower, if you please.
Capra.
Of what offence do you complain
Against defendant? Please explain.
Capra.
Two years ago, to have some chatter,
A parrot met....
Dama.
That's hear-say matter,
And to the question as irrelevant
As Dormouse to a fallen Elephant.
Equus.
As an inducement, (please not stop her)
Her evidence is good and proper.
Reynard.
My lord, I certainly object
To this assertion....'ta'nt correct;
They've only got to prove the fact,
Not what took place before the act.
For if they meddle with the cat,
We're dish'd at once....
(aside to Canis)
Canis.
(aside to Reynard)
You may say that.
Equus.
I think that I've a right, my lords,
To prove, not only acts but words;
For plain it must be to all eyes,
That actions oft from words arise;
And so it was in this affair,
As witness wishes to declare.
She was, my lord, about to state
Some rumors of an earlier date;
19
That gave defendant the occasion;
From which occasion, we'll suppose,
The vile dishonest wish arose;
Which wish, it cannot be denied,
Begat the crime for which he's tried.
So that if only traced correct,
We find the cause of this effect
Was rumor. What the rumors were
I wish the witness to declare;
But if you stop her, I maintain
We lose a link from off the chain.
The conversation and the act
Were one transaction, that's a fact;
And Reynard knows the law too well
To be in earnest. Let her tell.
Reynard.
For legal forms our veneration
Forbids the smallest innovation.
No rule, 'tis always understood,
Unless it work both ways, is good;
Yet hear-say stuff, against their side,
There's not a doubt would be denied;
And as it is for law's abuse meant,
It can't be good as an inducement.
Vertagus.
My lord, the public prosecutor
(Whose speech for Capra ought to suit her)
Express'd a wish that all the court
Remain unbiass'd by report;
And yet, it seems, they now commence
By calling hear-say evidence,
The jurors' minds to occupy
With things they came not here to try;
20
That we are not prepared to trace.
I hope no rumor finds admission....
And humbly beg the court's decision.
Court.
Unless essential to the case,
We can't give hear-say matter place.
Pardus.
Well, Capra, then relate the fact,
And things coevous with the act.
Capra.
In March, I think, two years ago,
Before the grass began to grow;
While yet the fodder of the brutes
Was withered herbage, hay, and roots;
I ask'd our shepherd, there, the Dog,
To come and taste our humble prog,
Beneath the shelter of a rock,
And hold some chat about the flock.
He came as usual, and admired
My calm retreat from storms retired;
And when refresh'd on chaff reclined,
At his request I spoke my mind.
I told him all the sheep were bleating,
And every goat the tale repeating,
That Felis there, a Cat of beauty,
Had drawn and lured him from his duty.
That when her mate (of mountain race)
Was absent, he supplied his place.
He told me, that with some surprise,
He'd heard these base malicious lies;
But wondered why they made selection
Of one for whom he'd no affection.
“But were it you, he fondly cried,
I know not one on earth beside,
Of all the beasts or birds that move,
With whom I'm half so much in love.
I'd rather revel on your charms
Than fill an ourang-outang's arms.”
In answer, I abruptly told him
I had a dozen minds to scold him;
For such a speech would sorely shock,
The rudest bleater in the flock:
And as a guardian of the sheep,
A chaster tongue he ought to keep.
He own'd his fault without evasion,
But hoped I'd save his reputation;
And, on condition of my silence,
Promised to do his passion vi'lence.
Before the grass began to grow;
While yet the fodder of the brutes
Was withered herbage, hay, and roots;
I ask'd our shepherd, there, the Dog,
To come and taste our humble prog,
Beneath the shelter of a rock,
And hold some chat about the flock.
He came as usual, and admired
My calm retreat from storms retired;
And when refresh'd on chaff reclined,
At his request I spoke my mind.
I told him all the sheep were bleating,
And every goat the tale repeating,
That Felis there, a Cat of beauty,
Had drawn and lured him from his duty.
That when her mate (of mountain race)
Was absent, he supplied his place.
He told me, that with some surprise,
He'd heard these base malicious lies;
But wondered why they made selection
Of one for whom he'd no affection.
“But were it you, he fondly cried,
I know not one on earth beside,
21
With whom I'm half so much in love.
I'd rather revel on your charms
Than fill an ourang-outang's arms.”
In answer, I abruptly told him
I had a dozen minds to scold him;
For such a speech would sorely shock,
The rudest bleater in the flock:
And as a guardian of the sheep,
A chaster tongue he ought to keep.
He own'd his fault without evasion,
But hoped I'd save his reputation;
And, on condition of my silence,
Promised to do his passion vi'lence.
A few weeks after, three at least,
I waited on this trusty beast
Who said some chat he wished to hold
On matters that concern'd the fold.
So, finding such was his desire,
I ventured with him to retire;
For fair Canicula, his mate
Must have no share in the debate.
But scarcely had we gone a yard
Before he bit my ear so hard,
And frisk'd about, and lick'd my teats....
I'd like to've fallen into fits.
I told him if he wa'n't retreating,
His slut should quickly hear my bleating;
Then got away, and off I run,
For butt me! if I like such fun!
I waited on this trusty beast
Who said some chat he wished to hold
On matters that concern'd the fold.
So, finding such was his desire,
I ventured with him to retire;
For fair Canicula, his mate
Must have no share in the debate.
But scarcely had we gone a yard
Before he bit my ear so hard,
And frisk'd about, and lick'd my teats....
I'd like to've fallen into fits.
I told him if he wa'n't retreating,
His slut should quickly hear my bleating;
Then got away, and off I run,
For butt me! if I like such fun!
Pardus.
Did he attempt to stop you?
Capra.
No,
22
And when my tongue renewed its strength,
I gave the dirty cur its length;
Told him, as fast as I could rattle,
He was the worst of all God's cattle;
And then with just indignant ran!—
Reynard.
Go slower, if you please.
Capra.
I can't;
For just so fast I gave it him....
Says I, “you good-for-nothing limb,
Such treatment is too bad to bear,
And henceforth I renounce your care;
I will not eat your dirty grass,
But leave the fold....so let me pass.”
He begg'd I would not be so bad,
As that would fairly drive him mad.
So seeing him so low in chop,
I thought it best to let it drop;
And hoping he might yet amend,
I parted with him like a friend.
For just so fast I gave it him....
Says I, “you good-for-nothing limb,
Such treatment is too bad to bear,
And henceforth I renounce your care;
I will not eat your dirty grass,
But leave the fold....so let me pass.”
He begg'd I would not be so bad,
As that would fairly drive him mad.
So seeing him so low in chop,
I thought it best to let it drop;
And hoping he might yet amend,
I parted with him like a friend.
'Twas six weeks after this, or more,
Just as I left the granery door,
Where he'd been dealing out our food,
Canis his wicked suit renew'd,
And said, as I received my due,
“If you loved me as I love you,
You'd grant the little thing I want,”....
I bade him speak no more upon't;
Or else, as sure as I was born,
I'd tell the whole to Capricorn.
“Then, he exclaim'd, by Mammoth Spring,
I'll swear you teazed me for the thing;
And as the flock respect my station,
Who, think you, loses reputation?”
He then his old caresses tried,
And lick'd me with his tongue beside.
Just as I left the granery door,
Where he'd been dealing out our food,
Canis his wicked suit renew'd,
And said, as I received my due,
“If you loved me as I love you,
You'd grant the little thing I want,”....
I bade him speak no more upon't;
Or else, as sure as I was born,
I'd tell the whole to Capricorn.
“Then, he exclaim'd, by Mammoth Spring,
I'll swear you teazed me for the thing;
23
Who, think you, loses reputation?”
He then his old caresses tried,
And lick'd me with his tongue beside.
| Beasts at law, or zoologian jurisprudence | |