University of Virginia Library

Scen. 2.

Ardelio, Ieffry, Fidelio, Snarle.
Ard.
Ieffry come hither.

Ieff.
Sir, I wait upon you.

Ard.
Ieffry, you know that I have ever beene
Indulgent to your knaveries.

Ieff.
I thanke your worship, you haue euer beene my friend.

Ard.
Wink'd at your faults.

Ieff.
True.

Ard.
And the reason is,
Because I still am welcome to thy wife.

Ieff.
Your worship may be welcome there at all times.

Ard.
Honest Ieffry, thou shalt lose nothing by it.
You know my authority in the house: my Lord
Puts all the care into my hands, has left mee
The managing of his estate, because
I know the way to humour him.

Ieff.
That is an euident to ken of your worships wisdome.

Ard.
And none of them have any place or being,
Without my suffrance.

Ieff.
Sir, you are of power to disperse us like attomes.

Ard.
Therefore I expect the reuerence is due unto my place.

Ieff.
And reason good.

Ard.
Well, for thy honest care,
I meane to substitute thee under mee
In all inferiour matters, for I meane
To take my case, and pamper up my Genius,
As well as he, onely for entertainments,
Or any thing belongs unto the Kitchin;
Let me alone,

Ieff.
Yes Sir, your providence
Has shew'd it selfe sufficiently that way.

Ard.
I'll take the ayre in his Coach, eat of the best,
And for my priuate drinking, I wlll haue
My choyce of Wines, fild out of vessels, whose age
Has worne their Countries name out, and their owne,
Like some unthankfull Hospitall, or Colledge,
That has forgot their Founder.

Snar.
To what purpose,
I wonder, should Nature create this fellow?
He is good for nothing else, but to maintaine
The mutinie of the Paunch, against the members.
Keepe him from his Whore, and his Sacke, and you
Detaine him from his center.

Ard.
By the way,
I will acquaint thee with a secret Ieffry,

Ieff.
What's that, Sir?

Ard.
I doe love a pretty Wench well.

Ieff.
Tis the onely gentile humor that is extant.

Ard.
I will not leave my recreation that way
For a whole Empire, 'tis my summum bonum,
My sole felicity, tickles my conceit,
But not a word.

Ieff.
Not I by any meanes, Sir?

Ard.
And for this cause, I meane t'apply my selfe
Wholly to my Venery. I feele this heat
Renewes my bloud, and makes me younger for it.
And thou shalt keepe one for me at thy house.

Ieff.
Where, at my house?

Ard.
I, there, a heauy burthen
Of fleshly desires, daily growes upon me;
And ease workes on my nature, once a weeke,
When I am ballasted with wine, and lust,
I'll saile to my Canaries.

Ieff.
And unlade there.

Ard.
Wilt keep her for me, & let none come neere her.

Ieff.
I haue had such favour at your worships hands,
That should good fortune come in humane shape
To tempt your Mistris, I'de not let her in.

Ard.
I'll procure thee the Lease of thy house free,
And when I haue done, I'll see it shan't stand empty:
Hast thou any good roomes for Stowage there?

Ieff.
Spare roomes enough, Sir, why doe you aske?

Ard.
Because I will convay away some Houshold stuffe.
That's not amisse.

Ief.
No Sir.

Ard.
Tis quite against my nature to see any vacuum.
Besides, 'tis not an age to be honest in.

Ieff.
That's the high way to pouerty.

Ard.
I meane to make the benefit of my place therefore.
And when I haue done, I'de faine see all your Artists,
Your Polititians with their Instruments
And Plummets of wit, sound the depth of mee.

Ieff.
It lyes not in the reach of man to fathome it.

Ard.
Were I set in a place of Iustice now,
They would admire me, how I should become it;
Cough on the Bench of State, sit in my night-cap,
Stroke out an Apophthegme out of my beard,
Frame a grave City face, jeere at offenders,
Cry out upon the vices of the times,
O Tempores, O morums.

Snar.
How the rancke Raskall
Is overgrowne with flesh and villanie?

Ard.
This getting of monie is a mysterie,
Is to be learnt before a mans Alphabet,
No matter how, tis suppos'd, he that has it
Is wise and vertuous, though he be obscure,
A fugitive, and perjur'd, any thing,
He, and his cause, shall neither want for friends.
He is the chicke of the white Hen, old Fortune:
What ere he treads upon, shall be a Rose.
He shall be invited to his Capon, and Custard,
Ride to the Sheriffs a feasting on his Foot cloth,
Possesse the highest roome, have the first carving,
With please you eat of this, or that, my Noble,
My Right Worshipfull brother? your rich men
Shall striue to put their sonnes to be his Pages,
And their wives to be his Concubines.

Ieff.
Shall marry young ones a purpose for him.

Snar.
Very likely.

Ard.
No more, be gone, I heare my Lord a comming,
I'll send thee my Wench, marke me, keepe her close:

Ieff.
Beleeve it, not a breath of ayre comes neere her,
But what steales in at the window.

Ard.
'Tis well said.

Ieff.
But stay, Sir, will she not be too great a charge
To keepe her to your selfe, what if you hir'd her
By the moneth, as your Factors doe beyond Sea,
And when she is growne old and leakie, Sir,
Mend her i'th docke, and fraught her ore for Holland.

Ard.
I, ore the water, 'twas well thought upon.
I thinke, and shee were trimd up, shee would serue
At last for such a voyage well enough.
What wilt thou say, when I haue done with her,
If I doe make thee Master of my bottome?

Ieff.
Who me? the divell shall be the Pilote first,
Ere I come neere their quick-sands, their base roads.
They haue a dangerous Key to come into.

Ard.
What ere the Key be, still the dore's kept fast.

Ieff.
As strict as an Aldermans at dinner time:
I, and the way to hell is growne so narrow,
A man's in danger to passe ore, for if
VVe reele beside the bridge, straight we shall fall
Into a Lake that will softly dight us,
Darker and deeper, then Styx or Cocitus.

Adr.
Well rim'd Ieffry, this knaue will come in time,
By being often in my Company,
And gleaning but the refuse of my speech,
T'arrive at some proportion of wit,
But to avoid suspition, be gone.
Exit Ieffry.
Now would I see the man that should affront me.
My Lord will straight be here, I'll entertaine him,
And talke as superciliously, and walke
As stately, as the Warden of a colledge,
Vntill I haue made a right Pupill of him.