University of Virginia Library

TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM

AND now we come to that most complex form of travel—the railroad journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New York you have elected to go on the "train." On the day of your departure you should carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking care to strap and lock it securely. You can then immediately unstrap and unlock it in order to put in the tooth paste and shaving brush which you forgot to bring from the bathroom.

Arriving at the station promptly on the time

scheduled for the train to depart you will find that because of "daylight saving time" you have exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be amusingly and economically spent in the station as follows: 11 weighing machines @.01 = .11; 3 weighing machines @ .05 = .15; 1 weighing machine (out of order) .09; 17 slot machines (chocolate and gum) @ .01 = .17. Total cost—.50, unless, of course, you eat the chocolate.

Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find that you have "lower 9" in car 43. Walking back to the end of the train and entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a tired woman and two small children. You will also find a hat box, a bird cage, a bag of oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a toy balloon, half a "cookie" and 8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will then say to you "Are you the gentleman who has the lower berth?" to which you answer "Yes." She will then say "Well say—we've got the upper—and I wonder if you would mind—" "Not at, all,"

you reply, "I should be only too glad to give you my lower." This is always done.

After you have seated yourself and the train has started the lady's little boy will announce, "I want a drink, Mama." After he has repeated this eleven times his mother will say to you "I wonder if you would mind holding the baby while I take Elmer to get a drink?"

The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for bachelors to master at first as there are no hard and fast rules governing conduct under these circumstances. An easy "hold" for beginners and one which is difficult for the ordinary baby to break consists in wrapping the left and right arms firmly around the center of the child, at the same time clutching the clothing with the right hand and the toes with the left and praying to God that the damn thing won't drop.

In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone down the aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will at once begin to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially those mothers who have had

children, a baby does not cry without some specific reason and all that is necessary in the present instance is to discover this reason. First of all, the child may be merely hungry, in which case you should at once ask the porter to bring you the à la carte menu. You should then carefully go over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to spell out and explain such names as he may not understand. "How would you like some nice assorted hors d'œuvres?" you say. "Waaaaa!" says the baby. "No hors d'œuvres," you say to the waiter. "Some blue points, perhaps—you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?" You might even act out a blue point or two, as in charades, so that the child will understand what you mean. In case, however, the baby does not cease crying after having eaten the first three or four courses, you should not insist on a salad and a dessert, for probably it is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. Perhaps it is a pin, in which case you should at once bend every effort to the discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large electro-magnet over every portion of the child's anatomy and the pin (if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then, too, many small children cry merely because they have swallowed something which does not agree with them, such as, for example, a gold tooth or a shoe horn; the remedy in this case consists in immediately feeding the child the proper counter irritant. There is, really, no great mystery about the successful raising of children and with a few common sense principles, such as presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a great deal of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression here, but I feel very strongly that "today's babies are tomorrow's citizens" and I do want to see them brought up in the proper way.

But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and Elmer will have returned and you will be relieved of further investigation as to the cause of the infant's discomfort. A few minutes later, however, little Elmer

will say "Mama, I want the window open." This request will be duly referred to you via the line of authority. It is then your duty to assume a firm upright stance, with the weight evenly distributed on both feet, and work for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a terrific struggle to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and forty seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with coal smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should seize little Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and make your escape to the gentlemen's smoking compartment in the rear of your car.

In the "smoker" you will find three men. The first of these will be saying "and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned up a thousand dollars a week since January." The second will say "Well down where I come from there's men who never took a drink before prohibition who get drunk all the time

now." The third will say "Well, I tell you, men—the saloon had to go."

Provision for satisfying the "inner man" is now a regular part of the equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you should leave your companions in the "smoker" and walk through the train until you reach the "diner." Here you will seat yourself at a table with three other gentlemen, the first of whom will be remarking, as you sit down, "and I know for a fact that this bootlegger is making over fifty thousand dollars a year."