 | Trial by Jury |  |
225
Barristers, Attorneys, and Jurymen discovered with Usher.
Chorus.
Hark, the hour of ten is sounding!
Hearts with anxious fears are bounding;
Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,
Breathing hope and fear—
For to-day in this arena,
Summoned by a stern subpœna,
Edwin, sued by Angelina,
Shortly will appear.
(The Usher marshals the Jury into Jury-box.)
Solo, Usher.
Now, Jurymen, hear my advice—
All kinds of vulgar prejudice
I pray you set aside:
With stern judicial frame of mind,
From bias free of every kind,
This trial must be tried.
Chorus.
From bias free of every kind
This trial must be tried.
(During Choruses, Usher says, fortissimo, “Silence in Court!”)
226
Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case:
Observe the features of her face—
The broken-hearted bride.
Condole with her distress of mind—
From bias free of every kind
This trial must be tried!
Chorus.
From bias free, etc.
Usher.
And when amid the plaintiff's shrieks,
The ruffianly defendant speaks—
Upon the other side;
What he may say you needn't mind—
From bias free of every kind
This trial must be tried.
Chorus.
From bias free, etc.
Enter Defendant.
Defendant
(recit.).
Is this the Court of the Exchequer?
All.
It is!
Defendant
(aside).
Be firm, my moral pecker,
Your evil star's in the ascendant!
All.
Who are you?
Defendant.
I'm the Defendant!
227
(shaking their fists).
Monster, dread our damages!
We're the jury,
Dread our fury!
Defendant.
Hear me, hear me, if you please,
These are very strange proceedings—
For, permit me to remark,
On the merits of my pleadings,
You're at present in the dark.
(Defendant beckons to Jurymen—they leave the box, and gather round him as they sing the following):—
Ha! ha! ha!
That's a very true remark—
On the merits of your pleadings,
We're entirely in the dark!
Ha! ha!—ha! ha!
Song, Defendant.
When first my old, old love I knew,
My bosom swelled with joy;
My riches at her feet I threw—
I was a love-sick boy!
No terms seemed extravagant
Upon her to employ—
I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,
Just like a love-sick boy!
My bosom swelled with joy;
My riches at her feet I threw—
I was a love-sick boy!
No terms seemed extravagant
Upon her to employ—
I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,
Just like a love-sick boy!
But joy incessant palls the sense;
And love, unchanged, will cloy,
And she became a bore intense
Unto her love-sick boy!
With fitful glimmer burnt my flame
And I grew cold and coy,
At last, one morning, I became
Another's love-sick boy!
And love, unchanged, will cloy,
And she became a bore intense
Unto her love-sick boy!
With fitful glimmer burnt my flame
And I grew cold and coy,
At last, one morning, I became
Another's love-sick boy!
228
(advancing stealthily).
Oh, I was like that when a lad;
A shocking young scamp of a rover!
I behaved like a regular cad;
But that sort of thing is all over.
I'm now a respectable chap
And shine with a virtue resplendent,
And therefore I haven't a scrap
Of sympathy with the defendant!
He shall treat us with awe,
If there isn't a flaw,
Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law!
Trial-la-law—Trial-la-law!
Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law!
Recit. Usher.
Silence in Court, and all attention lend.
Behold your Judge! In due submission bend!
Enter Judge on Bench.
Chorus.
All hail, great Judge!
To your bright rays
We never grudge
Ecstatic praise.
All hail!
May each decree
As statute rank,
And never be
Reversed in banc.
All hail!
Recit. Judge.
For these kind words accept my thanks, I pray!
A Breach of Promise we've to try to-day:
But firstly, if the time you'll not begrudge,
I'll tell you how I came to be a judge.
229
He'll tell us how he came to be a judge!
Judge.
Let me speak.
All.
Let him speak.
Judge.
Let me speak.
All.
Let him speak. Hush! hush!! hush!!!
(fortissimo)
He'll tell us how he came to be a judge!
Song, Judge.
When I, good friends, was called to the bar,
I'd an appetite fresh and hearty,
But I was, as many young barristers are,
An impecunious party:
I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue—
A brief which I bought of a booby—
A couple of shirts and a collar or two,
And a ring that looked like a ruby!
Chorus.
A couple of shirts, etc.
Judge.
In Westminster Hall I danced a dance,
Like a semi-despondent fury;
For I thought I should never hit on a chance
Of addressing a British jury—
But I soon got tired of third-class journeys,
And dinners of bread and water;
So I fell in love with a rich attorney's
Elderly, ugly daughter.
230
So he fell in love, etc.
Judge.
The rich attorney he jumped with joy,
And replied to my fond professions:
“You shall reap the reward of your pluck, my boy,
At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions.
You'll soon get used to her looks,” said he,
“And a very nice girl you'll find her!
She may very well pass for forty-three
In the dusk, with a light behind her!”
Chorus.
“She may very well,” etc.
Judge.
The rich attorney was good as his word:
The briefs came trooping gaily,
And every day my voice was heard
At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.
All thieves who could my fees afford
Relied on my orations,
And many a burglar I've restored
To his friends and his relations.
Chorus.
And many a burglar, etc.
Judge.
At length I became as rich as the Gurneys—
An incubus then I thought her,
So I threw over that rich attorney's
Elderly, ugly daughter.
The rich attorney my character high
Tried vainly to disparage—
And now, if you please, I'm ready to try
This breach of promise of marriage!
231
And now, if you please, etc.
Judge.
For now I am a Judge!
All.
And a good Judge too!
Judge.
Yes, now I am a Judge!
All.
And a good Judge too!
Judge.
Though all my law is fudge,
Yet I'll never, never budge,
But I'll live and die a Judge!
All.
And a good Judge too!
Judge
(pianissimo).
It was managed by a job!
All.
And a good job too!
Judge.
It was managed by a job!
All.
And a good job too!
232
It is patent to the mob,
That my being made a nob
Was effected by a job.
All.
And a good job too!
Enter Counsel for Plaintiff.
Counsel
(recit.).
Swear thou the Jury!
Usher.
Kneel, Jurymen, oh! kneel!
(All the Jury kneel in the Jury-box, and so are hidden from audience.)
Usher.
Oh, will you swear by yonder skies,
Whatever question may arise
'Twixt rich and poor—'twixt low and high,
That you will well and truly try?
Jury
(raising their hands, which alone are visible).
To all of this we make reply,
By the dull slate of yonder sky:
That we will well and truly try.
(All rise with the last note, both hands in air.)
Recit. Usher.
This blind devotion is indeed a crusher!
Pardon the tear-drop of the simple Usher!
(He weeps.)
Recit. Counsel.
Call the plaintiff!
233
Oh, Angelina! Angelina!! Come thou into Court.
Enter the Bridesmaids, each bearing two palm branches, their arms crossed on their bosoms, and rose-wreaths on their arms.
Chorus of Bridesmaids.
Comes the broken flower—
Comes the cheated maid—
Though the tempest lower,
Rain and cloud will fade!
Take, O maid, these posies:
Though thy beauty rare
Shame the blushing roses,
They are passing fair!
Wear the flowers till they fade:
Happy be thy life, O maid!
(The Judge, having taken a great fancy to First Bridesmaid, sends her a note by Usher, which she reads, kisses rapturously, and places in her bosom.)
Solo, Angelina.
O'er the season vernal
Time may cast a shade;
Sunshine, if eternal,
Makes the roses fade!
Time may do his duty;
Let the thief alone—
Winter hath a beauty
That is all his own.
Fairest days are sun and shade:
I am no unhappy maid!
(By this time the Judge has transferred his admiration to Angelina.)
Chorus of Bridesmaids.
Comes the broken flower, etc.
(During Chorus Angelina collects wreaths of roses from Bridesmaids and gives them to the Jury, who put them on, and wear them during the rest of the piece.)
234
(to Associate.)
Oh, never, never, never, since I joined the human race,
Saw I so exquisitely fair a face.
The Jury (shaking their forefingers at Judge).
Ah, sly dog! Ah, sly dog!
Judge
(to Jury).
How say you, is she not designed for capture?
Foreman
(after consulting with the Jury).
We've but one word, my lord, and that is—Rapture!
Plaintiff
(curtseying).
Your kindness, gentlemen, quite overpowers!
The Jury.
We love you fondly, and would make you ours!
The Bridesmaids (shaking their forefingers at Jury).
Ah, sly dogs! Ah, sly dogs!
Counsel
for Plaintiff (recit.).
May it please you, my lud!
Gentlemen of the Jury!
Aria.
With a sense of deep emotion,
I approach this painful case;
For I never had a notion
That a man could be so base,
Or deceive a girl confiding,
Vows, etcætera, deriding.
All.
He deceived a girl confiding,
Vows, etcætera, deriding.
235
Counsel.
See my interesting client,
Victim of a heartless wile!
See the traitor all defiant
Wears a supercilious smile!
Sweetly smiled my client on him,
Coyly woo'd and gently won him!
All.
Sweetly smiled, etc.
Counsel.
Swiftly fled each honeyed hour
Spent with this unmanly male!
Camberwell became a bower,
Peckham an Arcadian Vale,
Breathing concentrated otto!—
An existence à la Watteau.
All.
Bless us, concentrated otto! etc.
Counsel
(coming down with Plaintiff, who is still sobbing on his breast).
Picture, then, my client naming
And insisting on the day:
Picture him excuses framing—
Going from her far away;
Doubly criminal to do so,
For the maid had brought her trousseau!
All.
Doubly criminal, etc.
Counsel
(to Plaintiff, who weeps).
Cheer up, my pretty—oh, cheer up!
236
Cheer up, cheer up, we love you!
(Counsel leads Plaintiff fondly into Witness-box; he takes a tender leave of her, and resumes his place in Court.)
(Plaintiff reels, as if about to faint.)
Judge.
That she is reeling
Is plain to me!
Foreman.
If faint you're feeling,
Recline on me!
(She falls sobbing on to the Foreman's breast.)
Plaintiff
(feebly).
I shall recover
If left alone.
All
(shaking their fists at Defendant).
Oh, perjured lover,
Atone! atone!
Foreman.
Just like a father
I wish to be. (Kissing her.)
Judge
(approaching her).
Or, if you'd rather,
Recline on me!
(She staggers on to bench, sits down by the Judge, and falls sobbing on his breast.)
Counsel.
Oh! fetch some water
From far Cologne!
237
For this sad slaughter
Atone! atone!
Jury
(shaking fists at Defendant).
Monster, monster, dread our fury—
There's the Judge, and we're the Jury!
Song, Defendant.
Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray,
Though I own that my heart has been ranging,
Of nature the laws I obey,
For nature is constantly changing.
The moon in her phases is found,
The time and the wind and the weather,
The months in succession come round,
And you don't find two Mondays together.
Consider the moral, I pray,
Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow,
Who loves this young lady to-day,
And loves that young lady to-morrow.
Bridesmaids
(rushing forward, and kneeling to Jury).
Consider the moral, etc.
You cannot eat breakfast all day,
Nor is it the act of a sinner,
When breakfast is taken away,
To turn your attention to dinner;
And it's not in the range of belief,
That you could hold him as a glutton,
Who, when he is tired of beef,
Determines to tackle the mutton.
But this I am ready to say,
If it will appease their sorrow,
I'll marry one lady to-day,
And I'll marry the other to-morrow.
Bridesmaids (rushing forward as before).
But this he is ready to say, etc.
238
(recit.).
That seems a reasonable proposition,
To which I think your client may agree.
All.
Oh, Judge discerning!
Counsel.
But, I submit, my lord, with all submission,
To marry two at once is Burglaree!
(Referring to law book.)
In the reign of James the Second,
It was generally reckoned
As a very serious crime
To marry two wives at one time.
(Hands book up to Judge, who reads it.)
All.
Oh, man of learning!
Quartette.
Judge.
A nice dilemma we have here,
That calls for all our wit:
Counsel.
And at this stage it don't appear
That we can settle it.
Defendant.
And at this stage it don't appear
That we can settle it.
Defendant.
If I to wed the girl am loth
A breach 'twill surely be!
Plaintiff.
And if he goes and marries both
It counts as Burglaree!
239
A nice dilemma, etc.
Duet, Plaintiff and Defendant.
Plaintiff
(embracing Defendant rapturously).
I love him—I love him—with fervour unceasing,
I worship and madly adore;
My blind adoration is always increasing,
My loss I shall ever deplore.
Oh, see what a blessing—what love and caressing
I've lost, and remember it, pray,
When you I'm addressing are busy assessing
The damages Edwin must pay.
Defendant
(repelling her furiously).
I smoke like a furnace—I'm always in liquor,
A ruffian—a bully—a sot.
I'm sure I should thrash her—perhaps I should kick her,
I am such a very bad lot!
I'm not prepossessing, as you may be guessing,
She couldn't endure me a day!
Recall my professing when you are assessing
The damages Edwin must pay!
(She clings to him passionately; he drags her round stage, and flings her to the ground.)
Jury.
We would be fairly acting,
But this is most distracting!
Judge
(recit.).
The question, gentlemen, is one of liquor;
You ask for guidance—this is my reply:
If he, when tipsy, would assault and kick her,
Let's make him tipsy, gentlemen, and try!
Counsel.
With all respect
I do object!
240
With all respect
We do object!
Defendant.
I don't object!
All.
We do object!
Judge
(tossing his books and papers about).
All the legal furies seize you!
No proposal seems to please you;
I can't stop up here all day,
I must shortly go away.
Barristers, and you, attorneys,
Set out on your homeward journeys;
Put your briefs upon the shelf,
I will marry her myself!
(He comes down from Bench to floor of Court. He embraces Angelina.)
Finale.
Plaintiff.
Oh, joy unbounded!
With wealth surrounded,
The knell is sounded
Of grief and woe.
Counsel.
With love devoted
On you he's doated:
To castle moated
Away they go!
241
I wonder whether
They'll live together
In marriage tether
In manner true?
Usher.
It seems to me, sir,
Of such as she, sir,
A judge is he, sir,
A good judge too.
Chorus.
It seems to me, sir, etc.
Judge.
Oh yes, I am a Judge.
All.
And a good Judge too!
Judge.
Oh yes, I am a Judge.
All.
And a good Judge too!
Judge.
Though homeward as you trudge,
You declare my law is fudge,
Yet of beauty I'm a judge.
242
And a good judge too!
(Judge and Plaintiff dance back on to the Bench—the Bridesmaids take the eight garlands of roses from behind the Judge's desk (where one end of them is fastened) and draw them across floor of Court, so that they radiate from the desk. Two plaster Cupids in bar wigs descend from flies. Red fire.)
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