University of Virginia Library

Scene Fifth.

—Interior of the Palace.
The bank on which the Queen had fallen changes at the same time to a couch—She remains insensible upon it.
Enter Princess Allfair, in bridal attire, followed by Baron.
Allf.
What can this mean? It adds to my affright.
My royal mother not in bed all night?
Nor to be found this morning?

Baron.
'Tis too true!
She's gone, your Highness, no one knows where to;
Which makes me fancy, one way or another,
Something is up—besides your royal mother.

Allf.
Whatever's up, run you this instant down,
And hunt for her through every court in town.

Baron.
Ah, madam, look! to hunt I needn't go far,—
Here lies her Majesty upon the sofa!

Allf.
So far so good—one load is off my mind;
But there's another—I can't say behind,
For 'tis upon my heart. (to Queen)
Mamma!

Queen.
(waking with a start)
Who's there?

Allf.
'Tis I—your daughter.

Baron.
The Princess Allfair.

Allf.
Why roll your eyes about with air so wild?

Queen.
Where is he? gone? and left my precious child!

Allf.
He—gone?

Baron.
She! dreams.

Allf.
What can she mean by “he?”

Baron.
Perhaps the night-mare.

Allf.
Pshaw! that would be “she!”
Mamma, what made you wake in such a fright?

Queen.
What do I see? my daughter all in white?
Dressed like a bride? Answer me quickly!—who,
Child, are you going to be married to?

Allf.
Nobody, dear mamma—that is the joke!
I found myself so dressed when I awoke.

Queen.
(aside)
Joke! Oh, poor victim! there is no joke in it,—
He will be here to fetch her in a minute.

Baron.
Perhaps your Majesty can solve the mystery.

Queen.
(aside)
Alas, too well! But, oh! the horrid history
I dare not tell her.

Allf.
What's the strangest thing,
Upon my wedding-finger there's a ring,
Made of red hair; and vain is force or skill,
It won't come off.

Queen.
(aside)
Which means the wedding will!

Allf.
I think it may be as a trick regarded,
Played by some lover whom I have discarded;—
One of the pack whom I last night sent packing.

Queen.
(aside)
Ah! just as I my wretched brain was racking
For some quick means of 'scaping this disaster,
Her words have for my wound supplied a plaster!
(aloud)
Say, have your lovers all left in despair?

Allf.
I really don't know, and, what's more, don't care.

Queen.
“Don't care” came to be hanged—and you'll be finding
A knot as fatal, if you keep not minding!
(to Baron)
Fly! stop their Majesties and Royal Highnesses,
And tell 'em not to pack up all their finesses
Until they have a message from the Queen!

(Exit Baron)
Allf.
Good gracious, dear mamma! what can you mean?
Is't possible that any one can view
Anything wrong that I could say or do?

Queen.
Question me not! but lend your serious hearing
To what I shall unfold. That's not a mere ring
Of hair you wear. No; you are in a scrape
From which there is but a hair-breadth escape
To be hoped for. Sure as I am your mother,
Out of that ring you must get through another.
You have of lovers, luckily, a score;
Marry but one of them—I ask no more.

Allf.
Marry but one of them? Well, to please you,
I promise that I will not marry two!

Queen.
You can't—the law won't let you—there's no doubt of it,
And that's the very way you will get out of it!

Allf.
Get out of what?

Queen.
Daughter, I'll tell you when
You're married.
(Exit Queen)

Allf.
You will never tell me then.
I married! I e'er condescend to say
To living man that I will him “obey?”
I, who am faultless, both in form and mind?
Indeed I shall do nothing of the kind!
If any suitor could have suited me,
The young King of the Gold Mines had been he;
Not for his gold—if he had not a pennyweight,
With me that circumstance would not have any weight—
I'd take him in his skin, without a tanner.
How silly to be talking in this manner
About a man at all—folks would suppose
I was in love with him: I'm not, heav'n knows!
And even if I were—Pooh! nonsense! stuff!
I won't wed anybody—that's enough!
Unless the donor of this dress can hit
Upon a body just as good a fit
Air—Allfair—“Son Virgin.”
Yes, surely those who dressed me as a bride
Are bound to find a groom for me beside.

Yellow Dwarf rises through trap.
Dwarf.
(aside)
And here he is beside you, my proud fair!

Allf.
(turning and seeing him)
Ugh, lud! what horrid little monster's there?
Who let you in? and what d'ye come to do?

Dwarf.
I come to make a morning call on you.

Allf.
On me? a morning call? Supreme audacity!
Will you inform me, pray, in what capacity?

Dwarf.
Your most obedient servant to command.

Allf.
(aside)
Servant? Oh! now I think I understand;
A dwarf, to entertain me, sent by some one.
Well, he's undoubtedly a very rum one,
But he's too ugly, really, to be pleasant.
(aloud)
To whom am I indebted for the present?

Dwarf.
Her Majesty.

Allf.
The Queen? she made no mention
Of such a gift.

Dwarf.
No doubt 'twas her intention
Agreeably to surprise you. But come, say,—
For I'm impatient,—name the happy day.

Allf.
What happy day?

Dwarf.
Our wedding-day. What other
Could you think happier? Your royal mother
Has given her consent—so it's all right;
We can be tied up, if you please, to-night.

Allf.
Tied up? I'll have you tied up pretty soon.
Presumptuous pigmy! insolent buffoon!
What ho! my guards! within there, and without there!

Dwarf.
Thou but offend'st thy lungs so loud to shout there;
Not one can move or stir until I choose;
Look to your own hand ere you mine refuse.
Oh, it's no use to frown, and fume, and fidget.
What have you got upon your wedding digit?
Just place that ring these golden ringlets near,
And see if that hair doesn't match this here.

Allf.
Horrible fact! there cannot be a doubt,
From that small bunch of carrots 'twas pulled out!

Dwarf.
Answer me next: Whence came your wedding trousseau?
That dress, that might astonish Madame Tussaud?
There's nothing finer in her room to view.

Allf.
Nor in her chamber, horror like to you!
My mother ever call her son-in-law you?
I'll bet her crown my mother never saw you!

Dwarf.
You'd lose it! I've her licence, you've my ring!

Allf.
I don't believe you then—it's no such thing!
And so, you little ugly brute, get out!

Dwarf.
Brimstone and treacle! mind what you're about.
Like it or lump it, you're engaged to me!

Allf.
But I won't have you!

Dwarf.
Won't you? we shall see!

Allf.
I'll go and pull this dress off, to begin.

Dwarf.
You can't! 'twill only come off with your skin.
'Twas ordered for your wedding, and was made
By the first hands in all the fairy trade.
They warrant it to wear, and you must wear it;
Off you can't pull, or cut, or burn, or tear it:
Your ladies' maids may take their solemn oaths
Till you're a bride no more of cast-off clothes!

Allf.
A woman live in one dress all her life?

Dwarf.
Yours won't be long, unless you are my wife.
Make up your mind to pass your life with me,
Or yours will be as short, in short, as me.

(sinks through trap)
Allf.
What's to be done? was ever such enormity?
Betrothed to such a monster of deformity!
I must be dreaming, or I am delirious!
And yet why was my mother so mysterious?
Why ring such changes upon wedding rings?
Why rush to railways after turned-out kings?
Why ask if “he” were gone, with rolling eyes?
Why?—why?—oh, why? if it were otherwise?
She comes.
Re-enter Queen with Baron.
Mamma, what have you done? explain!

Queen.
Brought all who courted you to Court again,
In hopes a husband out of them you'll pick,
And marry him directly.

Allf.
Answer—quick!
Had you not promised me to one before?

Queen.
Humph!

Allf.
Don't say “humph!” or say it and no more,
For that's enough; and on the hip I catch you.

Queen.
Oh, you don't mean he has been here to fetch you?

Allf.
He was to come here, then? and you—you knew it?

Queen.
Indeed—indeed, I didn't go to do it!
To save my life he made me make a vow,—
I'll tell you all about it, but not now.
Marry at once some Prince who can protect you,
And then the Dwarf to wed him can't expect you;
He knows the law will not allow polygamy,
And, little as he is, 'twould still be bigamy.

Allf.
Ah me! I feel 'tis no use hesitating.

Queen.
(to Baron)
Admit the royal gentlemen in waiting.

(Exit Baron)
Allf.
If I must marry, it shall be at least
A handsome man, and not an ugly beast.

Music—Re-enter Baron with Meliodorus, Blaze, Sugar, Tung-Long, Meer Gaum, and Bonbon.
Mel.
One sentence from your lips to hear we run,
By which we all shall be sent hence but one.
Oh, name that one!

Omnes.
We all implore, in chorus!

Allf.
The King, then, of the Gold Mines—
Meliodorus!

Mel.
Oh, rapture!

Blaze.
Madness!

Sugar.
Fury!

Tung.
Rage!

Meer.
Distraction!

Bon.
(to Meliodorus)
Sir, you will have to give me satisfaction.

Mel.
Oh, sir, the satisfaction will be mine.

Bon.
Diable! then, to spite you, I decline.

Mel.
Just as you please. Can I do anything
In that way, pray, for any Prince or King?
To prove my title to so great a treasure
I should be proud with all my sword to measure.

Blaze.
Diamond cuts diamond only.

Sugar.
I would fight,
But cannot draw except upon Twelfth Night.

Tung.
I can, but won't—a candid Khan I am.

Meer.
Self-preservation is the law of Jam.

Allf.
In fact they all fight shy; but understand,
Some one may yet appear to claim my hand
By whom your courage will perchance be tried,
So pause before to take it you decide.

Mel.
Pause? talk of pause with such a hand in view?
I fain would see who dare lay paws on you!
Without more ceremony thus I seize—

Allf.
Nay, one more ceremony if you please.

Queen.
For which all's ready—parson, licence, ring.

Mel.
Madam, you make me happier than a king.
Let's to the parson, love, this instant go.

Allf.
I'm not the parson now, sir, to say “no.”

Bridal March—Mendelssohn.
Mel.

Rivals.

Mel. and Allf.

Rivals.

(they form in procession—as they are about to leave, Haridan appears, followed by a brazen coffer drawn by two large turkey-cocks)
Mel.
What's here? a strange old woman with a box!

Allf.
Drawn by a pair of goblin turkey-cocks.

Queen.
What can she want?

Mel.
Speak, if you've aught to say;
If not, your carriage, madam, stops the way.

Haridan, leaving the coffer and turkey-cocks in the centre, walks round the stage, examining the company, without speaking.
Allf.
No answer?

Queen.
Sure she's dumb.

Mel.
A silent woman!
A person most remarkably uncommon.

Allf.
Who can she be?

Queen.
(aside)
I'm half afraid to guess.

Har.
(who has suddenly stopped in the centre of the stage, brandishing her crutch)
Aha, my Queen—oho, my fine Princess!
Is this the way you keep your word at Court?
Think you to make the Yellow Dwarf your sport?

Mel.
The Yellow Dwarf?—who's he, when he's at home?

Har.
One who your scented periwig will comb
Unless you brush with it, you may depend.
I am his old and very faithful friend,
The Desert Fairy!

Queen.
Ha!

Mel.
Why from her shrink so?

Queen.
(aside)
Mercy preserve me! if I didn't think so,

Har.
(to Queen)
Is this your gratitude, for having packed you
Safe in a trunk when my coast-guard attacked you?
Without his orange tree, ungrateful Queen,
Where, by this time, d'ye think you would have been?
Where it might not be delicate to say,—
But down Red Lion Street a precious way!
Did you not swear, if he would save your life,
Your proud young daughter there should be his wife?
And now, the peril past and you in clover,
You'd coolly throw your life-preserver over!
Such pranks are not in Fairy-land permitted,
The debt you owe the Dwarf must be acquitted.
I came to see all fair—and I will see
Allfair his bride, as she is bound to be.
Aye, by my hood I swear she shall be such,
Or in my kitchen fire I'll burn my crutch!

Mel.
(to Queen)
Did you so swear? Refute the allegation.

Queen.
I took an oath under intimidation,
Therefore it can't be binding.

Allf.
Let her storm;
I didn't promise, and I won't perform.

Har.
You're not of age, so that plea falls to ground—
The daughter by her mother's act is bound,

Mel.
Bound or unbound, vile hag, you'd better quick
Out of this palace cut your wicked stick;
For, if you give us much more of this jargon,
I'll burn your crutch, and you into the bargain.

Music—He advances on her—Thunder and lightning—The lid of the brazen coffer flies up with a tremendous clang, and the Dwarf appears seated on a great cat.
Dwarf.
(advancing)
Rash boy! insult not this illustrious fay—
It is with me you'll square accounts to-day.
I am your rival, and your deadly foe,
The Yellow Dwarf.

Mel.
They may well call you so.
As Byron says, “I never, no, I never
Saw any man so yellow. How's your liver?”

Dwarf.
You'll find I'm not white-livered, to your cost.
Resign that lady's hand, or you are lost:
She is my bride—by her own mother there
I was contracted to Princess Allfair.

Mel.
Something's contracted you, that's pretty plain:
If I were you I'd get drawn out again.

Dwarf.
Madam, (to Allfair)
by you is this base fraud defended?
To save your mother's life I condescended
To be your yoke-fellow.

Mel.
Yoke-fellow? nay,
Her yolk-of-egg fellow, you mean to say.

Allf.
You talk of fraud, who plays such juggling tricks
On travellers when they are in a fix?

Har.
He tricked her not; but at her utmost need
He took her in—

Queen.
Ah, that he did, indeed!

Dwarf.
And there I was in fault, I must agree.
I ope'd the door of the old orange tree,
And let into its parlour neat and tidy
A traveller who wasn't bonâ fide!

Mel.
No more of this. If you would 'scape with life,
Vacate the building.

Dwarf.
Not without my wife.
She has my ring upon her finger fair,—
Those are my orange blossoms in her hair.
Try to pluck off that ring, or one small flower,
Then say if you've the pluck to brave my power.

Mel.
Thus do I answer!

(makes a blow at the Dwarf)
Har.
Nay then—one—two—three!
Off with the girl, and leave the boy to me.

Music—As she speaks she strikes the King's sword from his hand with her crutch, and he becomes fixed to the ground— She touches Allfair with it, who falls insensible into the arms of the Dwarf, and, waving it in the air, the stage becomes dark, the sun turns red as blood, a thick mist descends and envelopes all the characters, during which the Dwarf disappears with Allfair, and Haridan with Meliodorus—The mist then disperses gradually, and discovers