University of Virginia Library

Scene First.

—Aqua-Marine, or Sea-water Gate of the Palace Gardens in the Island of Jewels.
Enter Laidronetta, attended.
Air—“Where the bee sucks.”
Worth a Jew's eye now am I.
On a couch of pearls I lie,—
Served by Gems. Oh, Gemini!
Won't I make the gold-dust fly
'Mongst the whole set, merrily!
Merrily, merrily shall I reign now
Over the Jewels around me that bow.

The Diamond Cutter arrives, with the King and Queen of Pharitale, Prince Prettiphello, Princess Bellotta, Count Merecho, and Suite—They are received on landing by the Princess Laidronetta and the Officers of State.
Lai.
My royal parents, thus, on duteous knee—

King.
Rise, daughter—for you're on the rise we see!
And as I view this world of wealth and splendour,
I feel my heart is growing vastly tender!
And all the father in my soul awaking
Tells me too much of you I can't be making.

Queen.
I never saw a girl improved so greatly!

Count.
Her Highness has acquired an air so stately!

Bel.
That slight cast in her eye is rather pleasing!

Prince.
At such a nose there needn't be much sneezing.

Count.
Her hair, though red, has got that touch of gold
Which in the works of Titian we behold.

Queen.
And though, perhaps, high shouldered rather, there
Is no hump'd back!

King.
Hump'd back! and if there were,
With all those dazzling diamonds hung about,
I should just like to know who'd find it out?

Lai.
(aside)
Love's blind, but love of gain must blinder be
For none so blind as those who will not see.

King.
Air—“Thy father away!”

Lai.
Obedience now, sir, is indeed a pleasure!

Queen.
Henceforth, we shall account you quite a treasure.

Lai.
And to my marriage, then, you give consent?

King.
Who could object to such a settlement?

Queen.
But where's my son-in-law, that is to be?

Bel.
I'm all impatience such a Prince to see!

Lai.
Alas! until we're married, Fate denies,
That he should shew himself to mortal eyes.

Prince.
Until you're married! you don't mean that you
Have never seen him?

Lai.
Sir, indeed I do!

King.
Of course, then, from his portrait you decided,
As usual “in such case, made and provided?”

Lai.
I've seen no portrait of him!

Queen.
Goodness me!
Upon his coin his head at least must be!

Lai.
There is no coinage in this island.

King.
No?
No money going? That's a precious go!

Prince.
Can it be possible, a golden nation,
And not one sovereign seen in circulation.

King.
Is't all a trick, you make this mighty splash on,
Or is the tally system here in fashion?

Prince.
Or do these noble rubies and carbuncles
Visit alternately each others' uncles?

Lai.
The currency is gold dust and seed pearl!

King.
(aside)
Aha! egad! there's gumption in the girl.
She cares not for her husband's physiognomy—
She looks to the “political economy!”
He flings his gold-dust in her eyes, and she,
Having see'd pearl enough, nought else would see.
(aloud)
It matters not; when folks are rich as Jews,
They may indulge in any whim they choose.
And after all, they ask you in the City,
“Is a man good?” they don't say, “Is he pretty?”
When Desdemona made her bargain blind,
She “saw Othello's visage in his mind.”
But the young lady can't be in the wrong box,
Who sees her husband's image in his strong box.

(retires up)
Bel.
(aside)
Her set of diamonds make my fingers itch,
My husband's handsome, but by no means rich.
(to Prince)
to think that fright should get so great a catch,
I cannot bear it; let us spoil the match?
(to Laidronetta)
Sister, a word with you.

Lai.
Ten, if you please!

Bel.
I marvel you can be so much at ease
About this marriage. I don't like this mystery,
And would know more of this King Emerald's history.
With all his wealth, I wonder you don't wince
At wedding an invisible strange Prince,
Who may turn out a monster!

Lai.
Sure you joke!

Prince.
You're buying here a green pig in a poke!

Lai.
A green pig! what a sight my eyes to set afore!

Prince.
Nay, I but used that phrase by way of metaphor.

Lai.
A green pig, sir, I never met afore,
Although I started once from the “Blue Boar.”
And now I start to think I may, incog.,
Go rashly the entire verdant hog!

Prince.
Aye, think of that, although at random said,
I may have hit the right nail on the head.
And only fancy, should it prove that this King
Stood in his shoes but four feet of pork griskin.
That you, when through his gammon, made a fair rib,
Should find yourself sold for a bacon spare-rib!

Lai.
Horrible thought! my jaw with terror drops!

Bel.
Fancy his cheeks a huge pair of Bath chops!

Prince.
A spouse with tusks, pigs' trotters for his toes,

Bel.
And who can wear a ring but through his nose!

Lai.
No more—no more—the die is cast, and I
Must stand, and will, the hazard of—

Prince.
The stye!

(retires up)
Lai.
(aside)
Their every word a dagger in me digs!

Bel.
To a fine market you have brought your pigs.
But I have done; upon this match absurd,
“From this time forth, I never will speak word.”

Count.
Her Highness seems much moved.

Lai.
Not much—not much.

King.
(to Bellotta)
What have you said, your sister thus to touch?

Bel.
I gave her some advice, sir, nothing more.

King.
Advice, nine times in ten's a horrid bore!

Prince.
A horrid boar! you touch her now more nearly.

King.
Upon my honour, she looks very queerly!

Queen.
What is the matter with you, Laidronetta?

Lai.
I felt a little faint, but now I'm better.

King.
You must have frightened her, she turned so pale;
About her husband is there any tale?

Bel.
I fear there is.

King.
(to Bellotta)
Unfold it, if you know!

Bel.
Pardon me, sir, I do but fancy so.

King.
Fancy a fiddlestick! In such a nation,
Why waste your time in dangerous speculation?
With banks all made of bullion, if you're wise,
Don't speculate—but promptly realise!

Bel.
My very counsel, sir; wed I would not,
If I were she, 'till I knew who and what.

King.
What signifies “Who's who?” She gets a lot
Of gold, and that proves she does know what's what.

Bel.
Why shirk, in proper form, his bride to meet?

Prince.
Is the gem false?—The Sovereign counterfeit?

Bel.
What's his estate, both personal and real?

Prince.
Is he a beau, or but a beau ideal!

King.
Make a mere nobody of such a King!
It's treason to imagine such a thing!
His conduct, in this case, quite orthodox is,
Monarchs are married frequently by proxies.
A question of the hand, and not the heart, is
Such jobs, between the high contracting parties.
(to Laidronetta)
Daughter, until the nuptial hour arrive,
About this grand metropolis we'll drive,
And see the lions, whilst we take the air,
Up Silver Street, and all round Golden Square.

(Exeunt all but Laidronetta)
Lai.
Farewell, who knows if we shall meet again?
I feel a faint cold fear thrill through each vein,
That almost freezes up the heat of life!
Of a green pig must I become the wife?
I'll call them back again to comfort me—
Pa, pa! Pooh! pooh! small comfort that would be.
Must I perforce be married to this monster?
No, no, this shall forbid the banns!

(draws a dagger)
Enter Fidelia.
Fid.
With conster-
—Nation I see my Princess in a pucker!

Lai.
Where shall I fly, for safety or for succour?

Fid.
Won't they consent, then? Is your father flint,
Your mother marble?

Lai.
No, I've had a hint
So horrible it shakes my very soul!
My husband, girl—

Fid.
In riches don't he roll?
I might say wallow!

Lai.
Ah! I fear you might!
(aside)
Wallow, indeed; she harps my fears aright.

Fid.
Then for reports why need you care two figs?
You'll have no end of money, please the pigs.

Lai.
The pigs! ah, me!

Fid.
Her tears still faster trickle!
What is the matter? Is King Emerald fickle?

Lai.
Alas! good wench, the danger is much greater.

Fid.
You don't say so—Oh! then I guess!—the traitor,
Whilst you accepted him, without misgiving,
Has got a wife, and seven brats all living.

Lai.
No, no, you'll never guess—therefore be mute,
Whilst I disclose to you—he is a brute,
I fear, but not of that peculiar kind.

Fid.
Oh! madam, such reports you mustn't mind.
The man has got a temper, I dare say,
Is rather fond of having his own way;
To his opinions obstinately wedded;
Some husbands are remarkably pig-headed.

Lai.
That's it, Fidelia! should I by ill-luck,
Marry a pig!

Fid.
I stare like one that's stuck.

Lai.
A green pig, that would make a showman's fortune,
At half a hog a head, shewn at Hogsnorton!

Fid.
You cannot this believe in sober sadness?

Lai.
I do!

Fid.
Oh! this is very moonstruck madness.
But to dispel your fear no time is fitter,
Behold! this way they bear the royal litter.

Lai.
Litter! each word goes to my very heart!

Fid.
Let you and me a moment stand apart,
And when to be unseen we're safe and certain,
Steal out, and take one peep behind the curtain.

Lai.
But you forget the warning and the fate
Of Psyche!

Fid.
Ma'am, the difference is great.
Her curiosity was very stupid,
E'en in the dark, she ought to have known Cupid.
Besides, she for a monster first mistook him,
And therefore had no right to overlook him!
But with a gentleman you thought you treated;
If he's four footed your hand is forfeited;
And you possess a right, as daylight clear,
To prove you've got the wrong pig by the ear!

(they retire)
Enter Slaves, bearing the litter, closely curtained, as before, attended by Lord Carbuncle—He makes a sign to the Slaves, who set down the litter under the trees and exeunt.
Fid.
(advancing)
Hail, great Carbuncle!

Lord C.
Pray don't make a din.

Fid.
What, is his precious Majesty within?

Lord C.
He is, and dozing.

Fid.
Dozing at this hour?

Lord C.
Yes, every day we bear him to this bower,
After his lunch, to take a short siesta,
Fanned by the gentle gale, a soft sou'-wester.

Fid.
(aside)
Sow-wester! Humph! the quarter is suspicious
For what is in the wind—but most propitious
The royal nap.

(makes sign to Laidronetta)
Lai.
(aside)
The wink to me she's tipping!

Fid.
(to Lord Carbuncle)
Would you oblige me with a golden pippin?

Lord C.
With pleasure.

(Exit)
Fid.
(to Laidronetta)
Now one peep, whate'er it cost.

(they withdraw the curtain, and discover the Green Serpent)
Lai.
(shrieking)
Ah! the Green Serpent.

Fid.
Murder!

(Exit)
Lord C.
(re-entering)
Treason!

(Exit)
Ser.
Lost!
Rash Laidronetta! Ah, what hast thou done?
By Magotine again the game is won.
Farewell, perhaps for ever!

(disappears—Thunder—Lightning)
The Fairy Magotine appears.
Mag.
Ha! ha! ha!
Well done, Princess, brava! bravissima!
I scarcely hoped to triumph so completely,
Now I can satisfy my vengeance sweetly.

Enter King, Queen, Prince, Bellotta, and Count.
King.
Who's kicked this precious row up in the sky,
And put their finger in the world's great eye?

Prince.
What, is the bride ready to go to church?

Mag.
No, for the bridegroom's left her in the lurch.

Queen.
The Fairy Magotine!

Mag.
Aye, madam, me.
An uninvited guest again, you see.
Sweep, ye wild hurricanes, these gimcrack shores,
And turn these fortune-hunters out of doors.
(Storm—The King, Queen, Prince, Bellotta, and Count fly in terror)
I, with my captive, to my caves basaltic,
Girt by the stormy billows of the Baltic.

The scene changes to