 | The White Cat |  |
149
Scene First.
—The Presence Chamber of Wunsuponatyme, King of Neverminditsnamia—The King discovered on his throne, surrounded by his Court, and attended by Count Coincide and Officers of State—Flourish.King.
Stand all apart!—Cousin of What's-your name,
Give me your hand, and help me play my game!
Courtiers stand aside, and King descends from throne, leaning on the arm of his Minister.
You are the wisest man in our dominion;
For you are always of our own opinion;
Therefore we've great respect for your advice,
And we will follow it at any price—
Whilst it accords with our good will and pleasure.
Min.
Your Majesty is gracious beyond measure!
King.
My Lord, you know whate'er I say is true.
Min.
Undoubtedly;—and right whate'er you do.
King.
Brave man!—who all he thinks thus boldly says!
Min.
Great king!—whom, without danger, we may praise!
King.
You'll scarce believe what you're about to hear!
Listen—I'm getting older every year!
Min.
Had any one except yourself said so,
I should have doubted!—but you, sir, must know.
King.
'Tis passing strange!—but fact!—I'm nearly eighty!
And sigh for “otium sine dignitate.”
My eyes grow dim!—my limbs are not so strong!
And Tom Hood says, when folks have reigned so long,
'Tis time they mizzled!
Min.
Tom Hood did but joke.
King.
But oft, in jest, one gets an ugly poke!
150
We'd make our heir apparent;—there's the puzzle.
My queen (who was the best soul upon earth)
Brought me, you know, three fine boys at a birth.
Born on the self-same day, of the same mother;
I know not that one's older than another.
So of my crown I'm forced to keep possession,
Because I cannot settle the succession.
Min.
'Tis a hard case—a crown, perforce, to wear!
Amongst the three, suppose the realm you share?
King.
What, cut my kingdom into chops, as though
It were a loin of mutton! Butcher!—No!
Min.
Let them draw lots for it.
King.
That's gambling! Never!
We have abolished lotteries for ever.
All danger from the frowns of Fortune spurning,
We, for the general weal, stopt hers from turning.
Min.
Why not decide yourself?—Have you no choice?
King.
No; Nature cries with a most equal voice:—
So brave! so good! so handsome all the three!
One just as soon as t'other, king I'd see!
D'ye take?
(shews a purse, and punches him in the ribs.)
Min.
Who wouldn't? (taking purse)
Sir, you've touched me nearly;
I now begin to see the matter clearly;
Suppose your Majesty should name some deed
In art or arms; and he who should succeed
In that—which might not be an easy thing—
Might then succeed your Majesty as king.
King.
An excellent suggestion! and a new.
Min.
Something—almost impossible to do.
King.
I have it; a good thought! My pages, ho!
Summon the Princes to my presence—go!
(Exeunt Pages)
I need not tell a wise man in your station
Nought is so difficult as resignation.
Song—King—“When a man marries.”
Summon the Princes to my presence—go!
(Exeunt Pages)
I need not tell a wise man in your station
Nought is so difficult as resignation.
Though a man's worried
Half out of his mind,
To leave a good place
He is seldom inclined.
And cobbler or king.
As he happens to be,
There's no one he'd like
Better in it to see.
Monarch great—
Head of the State!
Treason to ask if he should, sir!
Minister—Prime—
Never has time.
Couldn't resign if he would, sir!
Lord Mayor,
When once in his chair,
Doesn't like “turn about,” sir.
Commissioner Lin,
Or any one “in,”
Had rather be worried than “out,” sir.
Toiling, moiling, wearing, tearing, rumbling, grumbling, blustering, flustering.
Though a man's worried
Half out of his mind,
To leave a good place,
He is seldom inclin'd!
He's seldom inclin'd.
He's seldom or never inclin'd.
Half out of his mind,
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He is seldom inclined.
And cobbler or king.
As he happens to be,
There's no one he'd like
Better in it to see.
Monarch great—
Head of the State!
Treason to ask if he should, sir!
Minister—Prime—
Never has time.
Couldn't resign if he would, sir!
Lord Mayor,
When once in his chair,
Doesn't like “turn about,” sir.
Commissioner Lin,
Or any one “in,”
Had rather be worried than “out,” sir.
Toiling, moiling, wearing, tearing, rumbling, grumbling, blustering, flustering.
Though a man's worried
Half out of his mind,
To leave a good place,
He is seldom inclin'd!
He's seldom inclin'd.
He's seldom or never inclin'd.
First Page.
(enters and announces)
“Prince Precious.”
Enter Prince Precious.
King.
Come, boy, to thy father's arms;
A sceptre has for thee, I'm sure, no charms.
Pre.
My royal father, pray how should I know,
Unless I had it for an hour or so.
King.
It needs a grasp of iron;—an eye as quick as lightning.
Pre.
So, papa, does single stick;
And I'd crack any body's crown at that.
King.
(aside)
He'd crack his father's—the audacious brat!
Second Page.
(enters and announces)
“Prince Placid!”
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King.
Come, boy, to thy father's breast!—
Thou wouldst not that a crown thy forehead prest?
Pla.
It's quite impossible, my liege, to say,
Unless I wore it for at least a day.
King.
“Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.”
Pla.
But can't you take it off when you lie down?
King.
(aside)
Beneath that simple air much guile may lurk;
If I let him succeed me—I'm a Turk!
Third Page.
(enters and announces)
“Prince Paragon.”
Enter Prince Paragon.
King.
Here's one, at least, will own
He has no wish to sit on yonder throne!
Par.
None in the least, my liege.
King.
Wise boy! (aside)
I vow
I've half a mind to fix upon him now.
Par.
I'll sit on anything and anywhere;
So that I'm but a king—that's all I care.
King.
(aside)
Humph! second thoughts are best; 'twould be unjust
Above his brothers this wild boy to thrust.
(ascends his throne)
Attend, whilst we our royal will make known.
Princes and peers, like Wolsey I am grown
An old man, weary of the cares of state;
And have made up my mind to abdicate.
To a small country house I would retire;
And, for companionship, I much desire
A pretty little dog. Now, of you three,
He who shall bring the prettiest dog to me
By this day twelvemonth, shall become my heir,
And Neverminditsnamia's sceptre bear!
But mark! we stipulate the dog you bring
Must be so small 'twill pass through this thumb ring!
About it straight—you have no time to lose
If your souls burn to stand within our shoes!
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Come bustle, boys, about,
There are dogs enough, no doubt;
In each court are spaniels plenty,
In each street are puppies twenty;
But if here you wish to reign,
You a lap-dog must obtain,
Which in a thumb ring you could wear O!
There are dogs enough, no doubt;
In each court are spaniels plenty,
In each street are puppies twenty;
But if here you wish to reign,
You a lap-dog must obtain,
Which in a thumb ring you could wear O!
Singing hey down, O down, derry, derry down,
And that's quite another affair O!
And that's quite another affair O!
Chorus.
Singing hey down, &c.
(Exeunt in procession, King, and all but the Three Princes)
Par.
Brothers, to use an epithet emphatical,
I think papa's become much too dogmatical.
Pre.
I say, this order will, to all our losses,
Prove one composed of nothing but grand crosses.
Pla.
A lap dog you can pass through a thumb ring!
I, like Macbeth, exclaim,“There's no such thing!”
But for the Isle of Dogs I'll start to-day!
Pre.
And I'll to Houndsditch with what speed I may!
(Exeunt Princes Precious and Placid)
Par.
I really don't think I shall take the trouble
To stir a step—this business is a bubble!
Our dad is only of us making merry.
A man might hunt from Perth to Pondicherry
In vain for such a dog, I'm certain—very!
Air—Prince Paragon—“Oh, ruddier than the cherry.”
To stir a step—this business is a bubble!
Our dad is only of us making merry.
A man might hunt from Perth to Pondicherry
In vain for such a dog, I'm certain—very!
From Perth to Pondicherry,
From Bow to Bedfordbury,
No dog so small
Exists at all,
Of that I'm certain—very!
Our dad, who's no Dogberry,
Is only making merry,
And holds up thus,
His crown, for us
To bob at like a cherry!
You might now, in a wherry,
From here to Chelsea ferry,
And not turn up
So small a pup,
I'll bet a pint of sherry!
From Cork to Londonderry,
From Donegal to Kerry,
None such one sees,
Though out on sprees
All night like Tom and Jerry!
From Bow to Bedfordbury,
No dog so small
Exists at all,
Of that I'm certain—very!
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Is only making merry,
And holds up thus,
His crown, for us
To bob at like a cherry!
You might now, in a wherry,
From here to Chelsea ferry,
And not turn up
So small a pup,
I'll bet a pint of sherry!
From Cork to Londonderry,
From Donegal to Kerry,
None such one sees,
Though out on sprees
All night like Tom and Jerry!
Where's Jingo! Though a mad wag in his lingo,
He's staunch and true; I always swear, by Jingo!
And I have known, in matters much more nice,
A man to profit by a fool's advice!
Jingo!
He's staunch and true; I always swear, by Jingo!
And I have known, in matters much more nice,
A man to profit by a fool's advice!
Jingo!
Enter Jingo.
Jin.
Obedient to your Highness' call,
Behold me ready-booted, spurred and all.
Par.
Booted and spurred, Sir Fool! Why, whither wend you?
Jin.
Upon the errand that the King would send you.
Par.
Why, 'gad a mercy, knave! 'tis none of thine!
Jin.
'Tis a fool's errand, so it must be mine!
Par.
Wilt do it?
Jin.
Not alone; but if you plan
A journey, master, I'm your journey-man.
Par.
Give up a place at court to go with me,
Who've nought to give?
Jin.
'Tis a fool's trick, you see.
Par.
Travel o'er land and wave, through woods and bogs?
Jin.
We shan't be long, sir, going to the dogs.
I'm glad your father didn't want a cat;
I never could have gone in search of that!
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I dread a cat, whose lives or tails are nine;
Though other dangers I but little heed,
I'm very pussy-lanimous indeed!
Par.
Well, for a frolic, then, suppose we start
Upon the instant.
Jin.
Sir, with all my heart.
The scene changes suddenly to a Forest.
Par.
Hah! the ground opens, and a chasm vast
Before us yawns! the earthquake's come at last!
Jin.
Is this a dream?—if so, make haste and wake us.
You said, “Let's start;” and here's enough to make us!
Par.
Methought but now we in the palace stood,
But now the ground we stand on's in a wood.
Some treason this!
Jin.
Why, sir, it stands to reason
It couldn't be a wood without some trees on.
Par.
O cruel Fate!
Jin.
Nay, sir, don't be down-hearted;
We arrived safe the moment that we started.
Par.
Arrived! but where—
Jin.
Ah! that I won't pretend
To say; but doubtless at our journey's end.
And as you didn't settle where you'd go,
It cannot make much difference, you know.
A Finger-post appears.
Par.
See, there's a finger-post!
Jin.
(reading)
Well, I declare!
We're fifteen thousand miles from everywhere!
Par.
How! fifteen thousand miles in half a minute?
Jin.
Oh, now-a-days, sir, there's no wonder in it!—
The world is changed most sadly; in our past days
We had some feasts; but now they are all fast days:
The stream of time has now become a rapid,
All but velocity is voted vapid;
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The only chronicler will soon be Speed;
And really so like lightning goes our cash,
I fear Bank Notes will soon give way to Flash.
The trees open, and discover the Gates of a Fairy Palace.
Par.
Sure, that's a building—somebody's abode!
Jin.
The terminus, no doubt, of this branch road.
Par.
The doors are massive gold—or look as well!
And here, in jewels, “Please to ring the bell.”
Jin.
A deer's foot hanging by a diamond chain!
Some folks to wring it off would not disdain.
Par.
At all events, no further will I roam,
But ring and see if any one's at home.
Rings the bell; the gate opens, and twelve hands appear, bearing torches.
Nothing but hands; the sight exceeding odd is!
Jin.
It proves, at least, the mansion is nobody's!
Par.
A dozen of them, and all holding candles.
Music—“Harmonious Blacksmith.”
What music's that?
Jin.
No doubt it's some of Handel's!
Chorus
—“Voices of Invisible Spirits.”
Ding, dong, bell—
Pussy's in the well;
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, bell!
Enter here
Without fear—
You may break the hateful spell;
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong!
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, bell!
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Oh! Pussy's in the well; I'm glad of that;
I'll walk in boldly as they've drown'd the cat.
Par.
Say, shall we enter this enchanted hall?
I have a sword, and they've no arms at all.
Jin.
Enter at once, nor stay here words to bandy;
This house must sure belong to “Handy Andy”!
They enter—Scene changes to the Banquet Hall in a Fairy Palace, brilliantly illuminated; in one part an Orchestra— The walls are painted with subjects from all the Stories about Cats, such as “Puss in Boots,” &c.
Enter Prince Paragon and Jingo, led by hands.
Par.
Ye wondrous hands, who have led us so far,
Pray are we welcome?
(the hands shake)
Jin.
There—you see we are.
Par.
That gentle pressure sets my heart at ease.
Jin.
My hand is in a vice—oh! how you squeeze!
(the hands vanish)
Par.
They're gone; and now, behold! two other pair
Are wheeling towards each of us a chair.
Jin.
And there are four who bear a table steady,
With every sort of thing for dinner ready!
(to the chair as it approaches him)
You're very kind—a thousand thanks to you—
A little nearer. (pointing to table)
Thank ye, that'll do.
(sits and pours out a glass of wine)
Delicious Burgundy! 'tis very clear
We've fallen into friendly hands, sir, here.
Par.
I think so, too. I own I feel much braver—
This show of hands is clearly in our favour.
(the hands that have brought table and chairs disappear)
Come, Jingo, let's do justice to the feast.
Jin.
(starting and looking out)
Oh, look, sir, there's a cat, the nasty beast!
(putting his hand to his cheek)
Oh! zounds!
Par.
What ails you?
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Something scratched my face.
Par.
Beware how you abuse cats in this place;
'Tis evident they here have favour found;
For now I see the walls are painted round
With histories of every cat whose name
Is written in the catalogue of fame.
Jin.
(trembling)
What shall I do? I never could abide one.
I've often almost fainted when I spied one.
It comes this way—and riddle upon riddle!
As sure as I stand here, it's got a fiddle!
Music—Enter a Cat, full dressed, with a violin in its paw; he bows with great dignity to the Prince, and enters the Orchestra, which immediately fills with Cats, bearing other instruments and music books.
Par.
Behold, the orchestra is with them filling;
Now here's a concert really worth a shilling!
Jin.
A la mew-sard, of course.
Par.
So I should say,
And all first-rate mew-sicians in their way.
A grand flourish of all the instruments, and a march, to which enters the White Cat attended by her Chamberlain and others.
Par.
What singular procession meets my sight?
A lady cat of the most dazzling white!
Attended as becomes a mighty queen;
But in a mourning veil! What can it mean?
Cat.
Son of a king, welcome to my domain.
Par.
She speaks, she speaks! White Pussy, speak again!
Cat.
(addressing the orchestra)
Welcome, in song, his Highness to these halls!
Jin.
(aside to Prince)
If they're about to sing, look out for squalls.
The leader preludizes on the violin, the Cats commence a vocal piece of mew-sic, which is almost immediately interrupted by Prince Paragon.
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Hush! ye pretty warbling quire!
Your shrilly strains
Go through my brains;
No more I do desire.
Cat.
No more—no more! his Highness does not choose.
Par.
I own such mew-sic does not me a-mews.
Cat.
Hast heard ought like it?
Par.
Sometimes—on the tiles.
Jin.
Would I were off—just fifteen thousand miles!
Cat.
Jingo!
Jin.
(starting)
It knows my name!
Cat.
You look distress'd.
Poor fool! I know the cause: you cats detest;
It is a prejudice we'll strive to cure.
In the meanwhile, your good will to ensure,
We'll hand you over to the fairest pair
Of hands that in our service ever were.
Behold them! (a pair of hands appear)
they will lead you where you'll be
Well entertained; your master stays with me.
(walks aside with Prince)
Jin.
Well, they are very fair, I must allow!
Permit me— (takes one)
soft as velvet, too, I vow!
What taper fingers and what rosy tips!
Allow me, pray, to press them to my lips.
Air—Jingo—“The Duenna.”
Permit me— (takes one)
soft as velvet, too, I vow!
What taper fingers and what rosy tips!
Allow me, pray, to press them to my lips.
Ah, sure a pair was never seen,
So finely formed by madam nature!
Such hands as these must sure have been
The hands of some most handsome creature!
(Exit Jingo with the hands)
So finely formed by madam nature!
Such hands as these must sure have been
The hands of some most handsome creature!
Cat.
The banquet waits; wil't please your highness sit
And condescend with me to pick a bit?
I trust you'll find that pasty rather nice;
'Tis made of pigeons; this is made of mice.
160
Of mice!
Cat.
Nay, don't be frightened, this is my dish,
Cooked by my own cook in a sep'rate pie-dish;
That is a jugged hare—and here I smell a rat.
Par.
I hope you don't expect me to touch that!
Cat.
You shall do nothing you don't wish to do;
There's milk for me, but there's milk punch for you.
I have the honour, sir, to lap your health.
Par.
Madam, permit me to drink yours. (aside)
What wealth!
What taste! what splendour! this must surely be
A cat of most exceeding quality!
(aloud)
Madam, don't think me rude, but I beseech
You tell me how you gained the gift of speech?
For our attendants only mew and purr.
Cat.
I may not answer you that question, sir.
Par.
To put another, then, may I presume?
What's on your paw?
Cat.
A miniature.
Par.
Of whom?
Cat.
Alas!
Par.
A lass! it looks more like a lad.
Cat.
I meant—Heigho!
Par.
You sigh—I've made you sad.
Forgive me—I feel I've been indiscreet.
Cat.
Will you take anything, sir, more to eat?
Par.
No, not a morsel.
Cat.
Then, hands, take away.
(hands remove table, &c.)
Par.
The handiest work I've seen for many a day!
Pray, may I ask you how your time you pass?
Cat.
Sometimes in hunting field-mice through the grass;
Sometimes I run after a cotton ball,
Or scamper o'er the palace—roof and all!
Or dance a minuet; and you shall see
My Chamberlain now dance the Cat's with me.
Minuet de la Cour—White Cat and Herr Grimalki.
Cat.
Son of a king! although it grieves my heart,
I must inform you it is time we part.
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Is it so late? How long have I been here?
Cat.
You'll stare when I reply—a year!
Par.
A year!
Cat.
All but a day!
Par.
It does not seem an hour!
Cat.
You flatter me!
Par.
I wish I had the power!
No words of mine could ever justice do
To such an interesting cat as you!
Cat.
Oh! Prince, you're too polite; but let me jog
Your memory, and ask you—where's the dog?
Par.
My dog?
Cat.
Aye! Have you then forgotten quite
Your father's mandate?
Par.
Mercy! what a light
Breaks in upon me!
Cat.
Were you not to bring
A dog so small 'twould pass through his thumb ring
Within a year?
Par.
I was—'tis hopeless now!
The year has fled!—I've lost a crown, I vow.
Cat.
Not yet; I think I have a dog will do!
A fairy gave it me—I'll give it you!
Ho! hands within! Hand me the box of gold
That on my toilet table stands!
Music—Hands bring on the box—White Cat opens it, and takes out an acorn.
Behold!
Par.
Why, that's an acorn—food, I've heard, for hogs;
But what on earth has it to do with dogs?
Cat.
Just hold it to your ear! What say you now?
Par.
I could be sworn something went “Bow! wow! wow!”
Cat.
And you'd swear truly! In that acorn curled,
Nestles the smallest spaniel in the world!
Par.
To take it out at once, may I make bold?
Cat.
You'd better not—perhaps it may catch cold!
162
And give it him, with my best compliments!
Par.
Kindest of cats! But how return in time?
Am I not in some very distant clime?
'Tis true that I came hither in a crack!
Cat.
And you shall go almost as quickly back.
My stable has a wooden horse, sir, in it,
Which can trot fifteen hundred miles a minute.
Par.
In harness?
Cat.
Yes.
Par.
If you say so, who'd doubt it?
Cat.
Once in my gig, don't bother yours about it.
Par.
Oh! how my gratitude can I evince?
Cat.
I beg you wouldn't mention it, sweet Prince.
Forget me not, that's all that I implore,
Your vehicle shall soon be at the door;
At home in less than no time you will be;
In the meanwhile, another dance you'll see;
For in my court I have some clever apes,
Who can of Moors and Chinese take the shapes,
And to please you they now shall dance a measure.
(Exit White Cat)
Par.
Madam, 'twill give me most uncommon pleasure.
But I must not my faithful fool forget—
Jingo! I'm off!
Enter Jingo.
Jin.
Oh! master, don't go yet!
Par.
Not!—why, I thought you'd be delighted—stay,
If you prefer it; but I must away.
In pleasant company time flies so fast,
You'll scarce believe it—but a year has passed!
And to my father I must hurry back;
Decide—and quickly.
Jin.
I am on the rack!
'Twixt love and duty I am torn—depart!
Oh! those sweet hands! they've laid hold of my heart!
And to cry “Hands off!” I in vain endeavour—
Oh, sir, I am a greater fool than ever!
163
Ballet.
Moorish Pas de Deux By Mr. Gilbert and Miss Ballin.
Chinese, Messrs. T. Ridgway and J. Ridgway.
Cat in Walnut Shells, Master H. Marshall.
Moorish and Chinese Dancers, Messrs. Ireland, Moore, Heath, Gardner, Garden, Gough.
Misses Ridgway, Payne, Hartley, Garner, Kendall, A. Kendall, Taylor, Platt, A. Payne, Reekie, Jones, Hatton.
The scene opens or changes, and discovers the Wooden Horse, magnificently trapped and harnessed to a Fairy Car; the magic hands are holding flambeaux; Prince Paragon and Jingo enter the Car, which ascends as the Act Drop descends.
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