University of Virginia Library

ACT II.

Scene First.

—In the Palace of King Wunsuponatyme— The King and Minister discovered at table, after supper, drinking.
(clock chimes)
King.
Hurrah! there goes eleven! One hour more,
And their time's up!

Min.
They'll not be home before,
Depend upon't!

King.
Worthy man, I do!—
I owe this excellent idea to you!

Min.
Oh, sir!

King.
And shall remain for life your debtor!

Min.
(aside)
If he would pay his debts, 'twould be much better!

King.
My three poor boys! it sets my bosom aching
To think what useless trouble they are taking;
In climes, far off, who knows what may occur there?

Min.
(aside)
Yet, ere he'd yield the crown he'd see them further!

King.
Let's drink our “absent friends.”

Min.
Sir, very gladly.

King.
My distant relatives! I miss them sadly;
Would they were here—their sight would so refresh us!

Enter Page.
Page.
Prince Paragon, Prince Placid, and Prince Precious.

King.
Returned!

Min.
They must have dropped, sure, from the skies!

King.
All three?

Page.
All three!

King.
With dogs?

Page.
Of every size
And sort!

King.
The puppies!

Page.
Poodles, pointers, harriers,
Newfoundlands, pugs, hounds, greyhounds, turnspits, terriers!

King.
Had they been tarriers but another hour!

Min.
Take comfort, good my liege: you're yet in power—
Have they a dog will pass through your thumb ring?
If not, their hopes they to the dogs may fling.

King.
But if they should have one so very small?

Min.
Why 'twill be no great matter, after all!

King.
Don't joke!

Min.
By no means!—when you wish to lick
A dog, 'tis easy, sir, to find a stick!
And if your ring they have a dog can leap through,
I'll find a hole as small which you can creep through!

King.
Amazing minister!—whoe'er may trudge it!
Whilst you've such ways and means, you ne'er shall budge it!
(aloud to Page)
Admit the Princes!

Page.
Dogs and all, sir?

King.
No!
Let them to kennel in the courts below!

(Exit Page)
Music—Enter Courtiers, &c., and the Three Princes, ushered by Chamberlain.
Air—Chamberlain—“Bow, wow, wow.”
Great King, behold, your sons return'd from roving foreign climes in,
The dogs they've brought are worthy celebration doggrel rhymes in;
The finest of each breed they paid for without growl or grumble,
And all behind the window wait, to make you their most humble.

(Chorus of Dogs, without)
Bow, wow, wow!

(Chorus of Courtiers, within)
Fol de riddle, riddle, riddle.

(Chorus of Dogs, without)
Bow, wow, wow!

King.
Sweet sons, my words you've quite mistaken!—Zounds!
We didn't ask you for a pack of hounds.
We only craved a pretty little pet,—
The handsomest and smallest you could get.

Pre.
We know, sir, what you said about a ring,
But thought you only joking.

King.
I, Joe King!

Par.
I have a very tiny dog, indeed:
A creature of a most peculiar breed;
Which I to purchase thought my bounden duty,
At any price.—Ho! Jingo, bring in “Beauty.”

Enter Jingo with a very shabby little cur in a string.
King.
The horrid little bandy-legged beast!

Jin.
Sir, of all handsome dogs this is the least.

King.
Yes, the least handsome!—vile equivocator!—
But of a fright I never saw a greater!
How dare you shew me such a filthy cur?

Par.
Pardon a jest of Jingo's, gracious sir!
I've got the dog you wished for in my pocket!

King.
Eh, what! Beware, my wrath's a congreve rocket!

Par.
Deign, first, to hold that acorn to your ear.

King.
Odds bodikins!—why, what is this I hear!—
Some magic spell my senses must deride;
No acorn, surely, can have bark inside!

Par.
I think that acorn through your ring will go!
Of course, the dog that's in it must, you know!

King.
Prove first there is one in it, for this passes
Belief!

Par.
Your Majesty will need your glasses!
(opens acorn)
Behold! where snugly lies the little darling!

King.
Is it alive?

Par.
Why, hark!—'tis at you snarling!

King.
I am dumb-foundered!—struck all of a heap!
(aside to Minister)
Count, where's the hole through which I am to creep?

Min.
(aside)
You can't deny that he has won the crown:
But you are not obliged to pay it down;
'Tis true you said you meant to abdicate.
But when? I don't remember any date.
It may be now,—it may be ten years hence!

King.
Sensible man, whose words have every sense.

Min.
And listen!

Par.
All this whispering bodes no good;
Jingo, where have you put the horse of wood?

Jin.
In a loose box, made of the same oak panel;
I rubbed him down with beeswax and a flannel!

Par.
But did you give him nought to stop his cravings?

Jin.
A sieve of sawdust and a bag of shavings!

King.
(aside to Minister)
My bosom's counsellor, the thought's perfection,
I, as a child, will go by thy direction.
(aloud)
Dear boys, the pains that you have ta'en to please us,
And of this weary weight, the crown, to ease us,
Is most refreshing to our royal heart,
And from our word, of course, we can't depart.
Prince Paragon, before you we declare,
Has won the prize, and shall become our heir,
Provided always, as the law lays down,
He finds a partner worthy of his crown;
If not, whichever of the other twain
Brings such a bride, instead of him shall reign!
But mark! the maid must be of royal race;
Of matchless beauty, both in form and face!
And also one who for five years hath ne'er
Been seen by any mortal anywhere.
Now to my couch, like me, a downy one!

Page.
But what with all those dogs, sir, must be done?
We have no kennels in which we can poke 'em!

King.
Give them two puddings'-ends a piece, and choke 'em.

Flourish—Exeunt King and all but the Princes and Jingo.
Pre.
Ne'er seen by mortal anywhere! Why, brother!
This is a greater wild-goose-chase than t'other!

Pla.
Ne'er seen by mortal anywhere! Ah, me!
Where shall we look for what we cannot see?

Jin.
Why, where so many look in each direction
For what they cannot see!

All the Princes.
What's that?

Jin.
Perfection!

Pre.
Perhaps that's what our royal dad may mean.
A perfect lady he would have my queen!

Par.
Dad won't, as in the dog-case, strive to do one!
Our bride's to wear a ring, and not go through one!

Pla.
Of course you wouldn't, for decorum's sake,
Treat a bride just as you would treat bride cake!
Well, “Faint heart never won fair lady yet,”
So like another Cœlebs, off I'll set!
(Exit Prince Placid

Pre.
And so will I! Farewell! (aside)
I wonder where,
“Th'Invisible Girl” has moved from Leicester Square?
Who knows she might a lovely princess be,
For all that anyone could ever see!
(Exit Prince Precious)

Par.
(to Jingo)
To this new move what say you, at first sight?
He gives check with the queen!

Jin.
I'd move this night
Back to the castle of our friendly cat!

Par.
Well, I'm astonished to hear you say that!
Have you subdued your horror of her kind?

Jin.
Sir, I'm in love; and my love must be blind!
For I've two hands before my eyes for ever.

Par.
Well, put the wooden horse to! we'll endeavour
To find our way back to the cat's abode.

Jin.
The nag, depend upon it, knows the road;
He's a good one to go, but to look at, a shocking horse!
His sire was “Eclipse ,” but his dam was a “rocking-horse!”

Duo—Prince Paragon and Jingo—Gallopade from “Gustave III.”
Away, away,
With spirits gay,
Again we'll skim the milky way;
And through the sky
Our one-horse fly
The Witches' “Broughams” shall all run by.
'Tis only fifteen thousand miles,
And there are neither gates nor stiles;
And lighted all the roads you go,
As now they're not below, you know.
By no mail train
Could anybody faster hie;
Steam would in vain
Our one-horse power outvie;
No points to turn,
No second-class to smash the first,
No sparks to burn.
No boiler there to burst.
Not Mr. Green, in his balloon,
Has ever been so near the moon;
And if the earth should chance to quake
Up there we cannot feel the shake!
Away, away, &c.

(Exeunt)

Scene Second.

—A Chamber in the Palace.
Enter White Cat.
Air—White Cat—“Nobody coming to marry me.
Hope told a flattering tale. He won't return,
And I must still with hopeless passion burn.
He'll say I didn't ask him—he don't know
I didn't dare—the greater was my woe!
I could a tale unfold, but did I that,
I should remain for ever a white cat.
Hark! what was that?—methought that in the mews
I heard the clattering of wooden shoes!
It is the wooden horse and shay—oh joy!
Cats, look alive, and pipe all hands a-hoy!
Light up the palace—open all the shutters—
Illuminate the walls, the towers, the gutters!
My Prince returns his friend feline to cheer!
Where stays my Paragon?

Enter Prince Paragon.
Par.
Behold him here!
No welcome guest, perhaps, by all this stir?

Cat.
Don't think I make light of your coming, sir;
By this flare up, 'tis but my joy to shew you.

Par.
My pretty puss! I feel the more I know you
The more I love you!

Cat.
If a cat could blush!
I feel the blood up to my feelers rush!
But come! you've had a long ride through the sky,
And must be hungry! there's more pigeon pie!

Par.
Talk not of food, but give me poison rather.
There never was a person like my father;
He's sent me now a royal maid to find—
A paragon of princely female kind,
Whom mortal eye for years hath never seen.
Ah, my sweet cat, would thou couldst be my queen!
Unfilial as the world such deed might call,
I'd pitch my father over, crown and all!

Cat.
He'd look exceeding black if you did that.
And though most flattering to a little cat,
Of such an act I wouldn't be the cause
For worlds!—but I may find a saving clause.

Par.
Indeed! Oh, pussy, any claws of thine!

Cat.
You say so now, but may, perchance, decline
The task imposed upon you when you know it!

Par.
Not I—I'm desperate; so, madam, go it!

Cat.
List, list!—oh, list!

Par.
In any corps you please.

Cat.
I mean “attention.”

Par.
Oh, I “stand at ease!”

Cat.
The hour is almost come when I must die.

Par.
Alas, poor puss!

Cat.
You say you love me?

Par.
I
Adore you!

Cat.
Thank you—so, poor man, did he
Whose portrait in this miniature you see.
On his guitar, whilst playing me a tune,
His custom always of an afternoon,
A fiery dragon swallowed him.

Par.
The devil!
To say the least of it, that wasn't civil!

Cat.
Brief let me be—that hour it was decreed
That I by one resembling him should bleed!

Par.
Oh, horrible! most horrible!—I freeze!—
Don't say we're like each other.

Cat.
As two peas.

Par.
I kill a cat! and such a cat as thee?

Cat.
'Twill make for ever happy you and me.

Par.
How so?

Cat.
You then will have the best of wives.

Par.
Too dearly bought with one of your nine lives.

Cat.
Pity me not; but lend your serious hearing
To this, my last request—with heart unfearing,
First cut my head off.

Par.
Oh!

Cat.
Then just the tip
Of this appendage off with scissors snip,
And throw both instantly into the fire.

Par.
Madam, are you aware what you desire?

Cat.
Fully.

Par.
I cut you up in bits? I won't.

Cat.
I shall be much more cut up if you don't.
Take a few minutes for consideration;
'Tis of events a strange concatenation,
But be assured, that though I can't explain,
It is the only way your ends to gain.
(Exit White Cat)

Par.
Air—Prince Paragon—“All round my hat.”
(Exit Prince Paragon)

Scene Third.

—Interior of the Palace.
Enter White Cat (meeting Jingo).
Cat.
Ah, Jingo, so you came back with your master?
You've conquer'd your dislike to cats much faster
Than I expected.

Jin.
Madam, not completely;
But you appear so kind, and speak so sweetly,
That I can look on you without disgust.

Cat.
Most complimentary, indeed! I trust
You'll learn to look on me with pleasure soon.

Jin.
I shouldn't wonder—if you grant the boon
I now crave at your hands, or those you lent me.
Oh, madam! if from madness you'll prevent me,
Give me those hands in marriage.

Cat.
Gracious me!
You have been much struck by those hands, I see.

Jin.
I never was by any hands so smitten;
Do not refuse me, oh, most gracious kitten!

Cat.
But is your love returned?

Jin.
Beyond expression!

Cat.
So I should think—how could they make confession?

Jin.
Oh, with those fingers they talk very plainly,
And I have woo'd, I'm proud to say, not vainly.
When I came back you should have seen the meeting;
The outstretched palms—the pulses wildly beating!
While tears of joy adown my cheek were stealing;
Oh, never tell me hands have got no feeling!

Cat.
Well, in your folly there's a kindly vein,
And as you've their consent you mine shall gain.

Jin.
Oh, joy!

Cat.
You are a fond and faithful fool!
You've served the Prince?

Jin.
Air—Jingo—(Not to its own tune.)

Cat.
You deserve credit for your great devotion.

Jin.
I fly to court, and kiss hands on promotion.
(Exit Jingo)

Enter Prince Paragon.
Par.
Madam, I come to do what you desire.

Cat.
It is the hour—behold the magic fire!
Th'enchanted scimitar and fairy shears.

Par.
Oh, madam, I shall rust them with my tears.

Cat.
Strike, and fear nothing; you'll rejoice in time.

She seats herself in chair, the back of which is to the audience; her head is seen above it, and her tail hangs down on one side.
Par.
Rejoice! to see you cut off in your prime;
Oh, never!
Enter Jingo, with the Pair of Hands.
Jingo here!—who sent for you, sir?

Jin.
I've married nobody, and would introduce her;
But what would you do, sir?—you look so pale.

Par.
Kill the White Cat, and burn her head and tail!

Jin.
For goodness sake, sir, choose some other fuel!
Kill the White Cat!—you wouldn't be so cruel!

Par.
I must be cruel—only to be kind!
Thus bad begins (cuts off Cat's head)
and worse remains behind.

(cuts off end of tail)
Jin.
Hands, hold me up! This act can ne'er be mended!

Par.
My task is done.

The Princess Catarina appears in place of the White Cat, and at the same time Jingo perceives he holds the hands of Palmyra, a richly attired lady in waiting.
Prin.
And my enchantment's ended!

Par.
Astonishment!

Jin.
A lady—fair and tall!
I've married somebody, then, after all.

Par.
Madam, who are you—Quick!—my fate decide!

Prin.
I was the White Cat; I am now your bride—
Of course, provided you have no objection.

Par.
Madam, you are what I have sought—Perfection.

Prin.
I am the daughter of a monarch great,
Who died and left me at the age of eight
To an old fairy's care. By her contracted
To a vile dwarf, I almost went distracted.
When at fifteen, a Prince beheld and woo'd me;
They killed him as I told you;—then pursued me,
And into cats transformed me and my friends,
Or left of some only the hands. Here ends
My story: for the rest, sir, of my tale,
You have cut short yourself.

Par.
Sweet Princess, hail,
And reign for ever in this happy heart!

Prin.
Come, let us for your father's court depart.
Your brothers are just entering the city,
With two princesses, wondrous fair and witty.

Jin.
How shall we travel though—with each a bride?
Your gig will never carry four inside.

Prin.
Oh, I have now my proper coach of state,
And yonder my transformed attendants wait,
In rich attire to dazzle all beholders,
With each their cast-off cat-skin on their shoulders;
The fairy railroad station is hard by,
And by the fast train our vast train shall fly!

(Exeunt Prince and Princess, Jingo and Lady)

Scene Fourth.

—Gates of the Capital City of Neverminditsnamia.
Enter in procession: Prince Precious and Prince Placid, with their Brides, meeting the King, Minister, and Officers of his Court.
Pre.
Permit me, sire, my chosen bride to hand ye;
The daughter of the King of Sugar-Candy.
“She's all my fancy painted her”—and you
Required, nearly—

King.
Nearly, sir, won't do.
Still, with respect due to such rank, we greet
Her Sugar-Candy Highness, and her suite.

Pla.
Sir, I can say no more than said my brother.
Here is my choice; we doat on one another,
And give up kingdoms for each others' sakes;
Her sire is Emperor of all the Cakes.

King.
Your resignation proves that you must be
The greatest cake he in his land could see!
But who comes here in such alarming state?

Enter Prince Paragon with Princess, Jingo, and Lady Palmyra, attended.
Jin.
Prince Paragon, with mate, to give check-mate!

King.
That boy will be the death of me, I vow!

Par.
Father, behold a princess, on whose brow
My half-crown I should almost blush to place.

King.
Don't do it then, my child, in any case.
We won't insist—we'll reign a little longer:
These two last years I've really felt much stronger!

Par.
Great sir, your crown I shall no longer need,
For to her royal father's I succeed;
She's heiress to six kingdoms—more by three
Than will suffice for us—so begs through me
To offer to my brothers one a-piece,
And with the third your own realms to increase.

King.
My darling! Oh, that's quite another story!
(to Minister)
I always said this boy would be my glory.

Min.
You did, my liege, and I agreed with you,

King.
Uncompromising man, you always do!
Daughter-in-law, come to the old King's arms.

Par.
You'd scarce believe the owner of such charms
Was for five years a poor little white cat!

King.
Don't tell me what she was; what matters that?
See what she is!—I love her!—Puss or no Puss!

Par.
Here ends the tale,—“Finis coronat, O-puss”!


Finale.
Come, let us dance and sing,
While all the City bells shall ring,
Long life to everything!
And our “White Cat” to boot!
We'll be gay
If our play
Is by you approv'd to-day!
Let kind hands still,
Do her will,
And foes as mice be mute!

Tableau.