University of Virginia Library

ACT I.

Scene First.

—Spirit vaults beneath the Enchanter's Castle—Mandragora, the Sorceress, discovered brewing mischief, assisted by Blueruino and other Illicit Spirits—Humguffin, the Enchanter, rises.
Hum.
Speak, sister, speak,
Is the job jobbed?

Man.
Long ago—long ago!
Twelve glasses since we have hob-nobbed.
Mischief I'm seldom slow
A brewing!
But as we brew so must we bake,
As we shall one day find, and no mistake.

Hum.
Many more, many more
Mischiefs may we brew,
Before Old Nick shall come to claim his due.

Chorus.
He must, he will—he must, he will,
He will have us some day;
So on earth first we'll have the deuce to pay!

Man.
Yes, brother, I have worked your wicked will.
And am, you see, brewing more mischief still.

Hum.
Well done! well done! more fun we'll have between us.
But where's that traitor—that vile Transimenus?

(Mandragora waves her hand, the wall opens and discovers an Eagle)
Man.
Beneath that form behold the Prince ungrateful,
As false to me as he to you was hateful.
Fast to that perch with potent spell I tethered him,
Whilst my ingenious spirits tarred and feathered him.

Hum.
A bird! Why not a beast?

Man.
I thought the thing
When you called out a rival, was to wing
The gentleman!

Hum.
Well—but then why the deuce
Didn't you make him look more like a goose?

Man.
Because his rank in Fairy-land was regal,
I couldn't make him look less than an eagle!
How have you punished the Arcadian Queen,
Whose charms the plague of both of us have been?

Hum.
Song—Humguffin—“It's no use knocking at the door.”

Fairy.
(without)
No! the Fairy Pastorella.

Hum.
Then you're no friend of ours, so you can't come in,
And it's no use knocking at the door
Any more—
It's no use knocking at the door.

Enter the Fairy Pastorella through the keyhole.
Fairy.
No use! you're no great conjurors I doubt,
To think a door can keep a fairy out.
At Christmas, too, of all times in the year,
When we have special license to appear.
But to be short, as fairies short you see,
And to be quick, as fairies ought to be;
I've just stepped in to say these are my friends,
And you shall not obtain your cruel ends,
If love or charity enough remain
To make of earth a fairy-land again.
A “Golden Branch,” plucked from the magic tree
Of entertaining knowledge, shall set free
The pinioned Prince—and ope the lovely eyes
Of the fair Queen you've dared to mesmerise!

Hum.
Not for two hundred years—

Fairy.
Air—Pastorella—“I'm the genius of the Spring.”

The whole scene, together with the personages in it, vanishes, and the stage represents—

Scene Second.

—The Brown Study of King Brown.
The King is discovered seated in an attitude expressive of deep reflection—Quake, Chamberlain, Quiver, Captain of the Guard, Shake, Usher of the Brown Rod, enter in rotation, and with great precaution.
Round—Quake, Quiver, and Shake—“Perfida Clori.”
Lo! where a scowling,
To himself growling,
Sits without winking,
Doing his thinking,
In mood black as ink, King
Brown, surnamed “The Bear.”

Quiv.
Silence! his Majesty's about to (King sneezes)
sneeze.

Quake.
Much good, sire, may it do you. If you please—

King.
And if I don't please?

Quake.
I that wish recall.
(aside)
And wish it may do you no good at all!

King.
What's that you mutter?

Quake.
N—nothing, sire.

King.
Beware!
'Tis not for nothing I am called “The Bear!”

Quake.
Dread Sovereign—

King.
Peace! and answer you, sir knave,
(to Quiver)
Have my ambassadors returned?

Quiv.
They have.

King.
Admit them, with the portrait they import,
And call our son Prince Humpy into court.

Music—Enter Nobles, Guards, and four Servants, bearing a picture in a case, which, by direction of the King, is placed in the centre of the stage.
Chorus
—“Gustavus.”
Hail! all hail to the great King Brown!
The world turns pale at his royal frown!
Hail! all hail to the great King Brown!
Of vast renown!
Down on your marrowbones,
For, from his cleavers dread,
Nobody's safe who owns
An interest in a head!
Who would dare to brave him?
Once his voice that hear did;
Close enough he'd shave him
In his wrath, if bearded.
Hail! all hail, &c.

King.
Where is Prince Humpy?

Enter Prince Humpy.
Prince.
Sire, behold your son!

King.
(aside)
I'd rather not—he's such an ugly one!
Who could suppose him child of mine to be?
And yet in one sense he takes after me—
For after me he takes this royal crown,
Sole hope of the illustrious house of Brown.
Malicious stars—my heart ye have with care rent,
So plain an heir should ne'er have been apparent!
Why gave ye not to me, as to King Jones,
Or to King Smith a score of little ones?
Why stint the issue of my line, alas,
To one poor Brown I am ashamed to pass?

Prince.
In a quandary seems our royal sire;
May I presume the reason to inquire?

King.
Presume, indeed! Presumptuous boy, would you
Be heir apparent and presumptive too?
Inquire the reason! Shall a subject dare
Interrogate a king like Brown the Bear!

Prince.
Pardon, great sire, I meant not to offend—

King.
Peace! and obediently our will attend.
You have arrived at years of indiscretion,
And it is time to settle the succession.
Therefore it is our pleasure you should marry.

Prince.
You'll find that point, sir, difficult to carry.
E'en though a prince, few girls would care to catch me.
I fear it is impossible to match me!

King.
Nothing's impossible to kings like us!
The bride is found—so don't you make a fuss.
We've lighted on a match that nought shall hinder,
Where there is so much tin, hearts catch like tinder!
We're flint and steel—and you the happy spark.

Prince.
Then keep me, sire, no longer in the dark—
But say who is “the inexpressive she,”
Will condescend Prince Humpy's bride to be?

King.
No less a lady than the Princess Dumpy,
The only daughter of the rich King Stumpy!
Here is her portrait—painted from the life.

(opens case and discovers portrait of the Princess)
Prince.
Preserve and pickle me! that fright my wife!
Why she's a cripple! seated in a bowl!

King.
Can't walk—but then in riches she can roll!
When countless millions over to you handing,
Would you complain of want of understanding?
Besides, with such legs as you have to boast of,
'Twould be a lame excuse when made the most of.

Prince.
But she is hideous!

King.
You're a pretty fellow,
To talk of ugliness—you Punchinello!
In one word, will you wed her—yes, or no?

Prince.
In one word—No.

King.
No! Oho! Is it so?
What ho! The captain of our archer guard!
(Quiver advances)
There's a round tower in our castle yard,
Built by King Brute five centuries ago,
Rebellious princes safely in to stow.
Two hundred years no key has oped the door,
'Tis time it should be tenanted once more.
In it confine this contumacious cub,
With bread and water for his bub and grub.
Let fly at him if he attempt to fly,
Your head shall answer for his custody!

Air and Chorus—King Brown and Courtiers—“Statute Fair.”
Away with him to prison strait,
His manners need improvement,
In shopping him I advocate
The “early closing movement.”
In limbo leave him alone to sob,
Or back the lady to wed, post—
If any one grumbles I'll scuttle his nob,
In the twinkling of a bed post!

(Exeunt Quiver and Guards, with Prince Humpy prisoner)
King.
So much for one!—But now, how much for t'other?
The bride is on her road! Ah, there's the bother!
She may arrive ere I can say Jack Rob— (flourish without)

(Exit Quake)
—inson!—She has so! There's a pretty job!
Now with what face can I the fact make known?
Pshaw! It can't be a worse face than her own!

Re-enter Quake.
Quake.
The Princess Dumpy!

King.
Bid her walk up stairs,
We'll come to Hecuba at once—who cares?

Quake.
Walk up. Alas! Her Highness, sire, is not
Able to walk.

King.
By Jupiter! Forgot!

Quake.
Borne in a golden bowl by way of litter—

King.
Tell 'em to pass the bowl, and quick admit her!

(march)
Enter Princess Dumpy, carried by four Black Servants, and attended by Suivanta.
King.
Welcome, fair Princess, to our royal Court.

Princess.
(sobbing)
Ah! Oh!

King.
“Ah! Oh!” What may such sound import?

Princess.
Oh! Ah!

King.
“Oh! Ah!” We still desire to know
What moves her Royal Highness so?

Suiv.
(sobbing)
Ah! Oh!

King.
Can no one speak except in interjections?

Suiv.
Alas! There's no commanding our affections;
And therefore, sire, the point at once to go to,
Excuse our saying we object in toto
To this alliance.

King.
We! Zounds—who are you?

Suiv.
My name's Suivanta, waiting woman to
Her Royal Highness.

King.
Waiting woman, wait
Till you are spoken to! How dare you prate?
Object! 'Sdeath, madam (to Princess)
, do you mean to say
That you object?

Princess.
I do.

King.
And wherefore, pray?

Princess.
Sir, to be plain with you—

King.
You may say plain.

Princess.
Prince Humpy ne'er could my affection gain,
If he be half as ugly as he's painted.
When first I saw his picture, sir, I fainted.

King.
You! faint at ugliness! Well, come, that passes.
In your Court pray are there no looking glasses?

Princess.
Oh! I'm aware, sir, of my own defects—

Suiv.
And that's a reason, sir, why she objects.
She thinks she ought to wed a prince who'd be
Her better half, as there's no hope that she
Could be the better half of any man.
And I must say that I approve her plan.

King.
Will no one stop that woman's tongue? Odds life!
Madam (to Princess)
, do you refuse to be the wife
Of our sole heir, Prince Humpy?

Princess.
Most emphatically.

King.
Ha! Indeed! We'll soon see that.

Air—Suivanta—“Rory O'More.”
Don't roar any more, for as sure as you're born,
Your hope's of the sort, sir, they call the forlorn.
His Highness is not formed a lady to please,
So it's no use her Highness on that score to tease.
To take it quite easy you really should try,
It's very undignified thus out to fly.
Like great King Dagobert whom I've heard talk about,
You've put on your—waistcoat I fear wrong side out.
Then act like another great king, sir, to-day,
And don't lose your temper in this stupid way,
But just please to order our coach to the door,
And as I've got a head-ache don't roar any more!

King.
A flourish trumpet, strike alarum drum,
Let not this loud-tongued woman talk us dumb.

Air and Chorus—King Brown, &c.—“Elisire d'Amore.”

Suiv.
For a king such as you I'd not give half-a-crown,
He's in such a passion he's turned whitey-brown.

Chorus.
He's in such a passion, &c.

(Exeunt King and Courtiers, and Guards with Princess and Suivanta prisoners.)

Scene Third.

—A Room in the Round Tower.
Enter Prince Humpy and Quiver.
Prince.
Here must I linger to despair a prey?
(to Quiver, who is going)
Stay!

Quiv.
Eh?

Prince.
O say—

Quiv.
Nay—

Prince.
Pray—

Quiv.
Away! Good day!

Prince,
Leave me not in this dungeon dark and chill!

Quiv.
Young boy, I must—

Prince.
And will you?

Quiv.
And I will!

Prince.
Have you the heart? When you were once in quod
Didn't I pay for you thirteen pounds odd?
All I could raise upon my watch and chain,
And I did never ask it you again!
And can you suffer me to pine and shiver
In darkness here?

Quiv.
I've sworn to do it—

Prince.
Quiver!
If any one alive had said you ever
Could have done this, I should have answered, “never!”
Leave me, who in your need posted the coal,
Without a shovel-full, in this black hole!

Quiv.
Well, then, I won't; I'll brave the tyrant's ire,
May I be burnt if you shan't have a fire!
For you in turn I'll post the coal, in sacks;
And candles too—

Prince.
Now you're the lad of wax
I thought you were.

Quiv.
Behold—at once to light
(produces wax taper)
I bring a candle's end, a perquisite,
Which, with some cheese parings, I get per diem—
You shall have all the ends as I come by 'em,
And the cheese parings also, if you please.

Prince.
No, no, the candles only—that's the cheese!
For there are books I see within this tower,
Which by my taper's light I shall devour.

Quiv.
They're such old books you cannot read 'em.

Prince.
Poh!
My friend, the hardship is to read the new.
Lend me a hand to pull this huge one out!

Quiv.
Heavens! what a book, what can it be about?

(they lift with great difficulty an enormous folio from the shelf, and lean it against the wall at the back of the stage)
Prince.
(opening it)
'Tis full of pictures. Quaint illuminations.
Folks of all sorts in various occupations.

Quiv.
A volume of some old Pictorial Times,
Or Illustrated News of other climes.

Prince.
Hunting and fishing, playing cards and dice,

Quiv.
Eating and drinking everything that's nice.

Prince.
Why, Quiver, sure as fate that must be I,
And here again—in each you may espy
(turning over the leaves)
A dwarfish, humpbacked, ugly little elf,
The very model of my precious self;
And in my clothes too—

Quiv.
Well, there's no denying—
The portrait's much more like than gratifying!

Prince.
And by my side, whatever I am doing,
A lovely shepherdess my actions viewing,
Beautiful as I'm frightful, and arrayed
Like some that I have seen of china made;
More like a sylvan queen than rustic lass
Keeping her sheep beneath a shade—

Quiv.
Of glass.

(music pianissimo; the volume expands, and a page becomes transparent)
Prince.
Mercy upon us! see, the volume grows
Brighter—its page with light unearthly glows.

Quiv.
I feel remarkably intimidated—
By whom d'ye think it's now illuminated?

Prince.
As I'm alive! so are the pictures too!

Quiv.
Shut up the book directly, sir, pray do.
The devil's in it.

(a repetition of the room on the stage appears through the transparency, and the forms of the Shepherdess and Prince Humpy become visible)
Prince.
No—an angel rather,
For there's my Shepherdess!

Quiv.
I'll tell your father!

Prince.
The chamber is the one we stand in—see,
She points to yonder wall, and lo! a key
I find, with which I ope a secret door
Behind those hangings.

Quiv.
Don't see any more.

(a bower of roses is seen, and the same figure of the Shepherdess surrounded by Shepherds and Shepherdesses)
Prince.
Another picture. There's my fair again,
Leading of youths and maids a brilliant train.

Shep.
Prince Humpy!

Prince.
Ha! on me they call.

Quiv.
No doubt.
If they should call on me, say I'm gone out.


Glee—Voices behind the scenes—“Hark, the Lark.”
Hark! a lark if you'd enjoy,
And gain a precious prize,
The spell that binds our Queen destroy—
In slumber deep she lies.
'Tis time that she should now begin
To ope her lovely eyes;
Go in and win, 'tis you must sing,
“My lady sweet arise.”
(the volume closes)

Quiv.
Riddle my riddle my riddle my ree.
Who can tell what this riddle may be?

Prince.
(discovering key and secret door)
Why, of the riddle here, I've found the key!
A queen to wake.

Quiv.
You wouldn't go to do it.

Prince.
I will, and here's the door.

Quiv.
I can't go through it.

Duo—“Come where the aspens quiver.”
Prince.
Come on, my trusty Quiver.

Quiv.
Oh, how I shake and shiver;
Think of papa,
Ruined we are.

Prince.
Follow the Prince you love!
Think of the fame and glory,
Think how you'll live in story.

Quiv.
Longer to live just now, sir,
I should prefer by far!

Prince.
Come on, my trusty Quiver, &c.

(Exeunt Prince and Quiver through the door behind the hangings)

Scene Fourth.

—The Turquoise Bed Chamber—On one side a large window; an alcove in centre, closed by curtains.
Enter Prince and Quiver.
Prince.
The door has slamm'd to, and the bolt has shot to.

Quiv.
'Twas a fool's bolt soon shot.

Prince.
Where have we got to?

Quiv.
Where we've no business—in such queer concerns
One's only profit lies in quick returns.

Prince.
Peace! Lo, perchance, the object of my search.

(Prince Humpy undraws the curtains of the alcove, and discovers Queen Benignanta on a couch of state, as in the first scene)
Quiv.
A lady!

Prince.
Fast asleep too!

Quiv.
As a church!

Prince.
Madam! Ahem! She stirs not—gently shake her.

Quiv.
Not I—I'm much too wide awake—to wake her.

Queen.
(in her sleep)
My Transimenus.

Quiv.
Hark, sir!

Prince.
Silence, keep!
And listen—she is talking in her sleep.

Queen.
Monster, away!

Prince.
Monster!

Quiver.
That's not polite.

Prince.
Though fast asleep, she sees that I'm a fright.

Queen.
(in her sleep)
I'll never marry you.

Prince.
Ne'er marry me!
Stop till I ask you, ma'am!
(Queen rises and advances)
She rises! See!

Quiv.
What caper next is she about to cut—
Her eyes are open—

Prince.
But their sense is shut.

Quiv.
Why rubbing of her hands so does she keep?

Prince.
Because her very fingers are asleep.

Queen.
On the spot still—ruffian, my hand let go,
'Tis pledged to Transimenus. Oh! oh! oh!
Out, out, I say—out of the window fly.
An eagle, and afraid? Fie, my lord, fie!
One—two—nay, then, 'tis time that I should wake,
Come, bring the Golden Branch the spell to break.

(goes to a chair and sits)
Prince.
Did you mark that? She must be in a trance.

Quiv.
Perhaps she's in a state of clairvoyance.

Prince.
What's clairvoyance?

Quiv.
The art of seeing through
Those who're not sharp enough to see through you!

Prince.
But if they're fast asleep, what can they spy?

Quiv.
'Tis a magnetic sleep that's all my eye!
And if this lady's in that sort of trance, sir,
To any question she'll give you an answer.

Prince.
I'll put her to the question, then, instanter.
Who are you, ma'am?

Queen.
My name is Benignanta,
And of Arcadia I was once the Queen.

Prince.
Indeed! How long ago may that have been?

Queen.
Two hundred years.

Prince.
Two hundred years!

Quiv.
Oh, fie!
Asleep, how very fast some people lie!

Prince.
Two hundred years, ma'am, do you mean to say
You've been asleep here?

Queen.
Yes, sir, to a day.

Prince.
Your bed, methinks, you've lain quite long enough in,
Who tucked you up in it?

Queen.
The great Humguffin!

Quiv.
Humguffin!—what a name to go to bed with!

Prince.
And wherefore?

Queen.
For that him I would not wed with!

Prince.
No doubt some other suitor you preferred?

Queen.
Oh, yes!

Prince.
He's dead, of course,

Queen.
No—he's a bird!

Quiv., Prince.
A bird!

Quiv.
A precious old bird he must be!
No chaff could catch him to a certainty!

Queen.
Oh, no—he calls upon me every day.

Quiv.
A bird-call! (music)

Hark! those notes, no doubt, announce, sir,
His visit.
(the casement flies open, and the large Eagle seen in the first scene flies in, bearing the Golden Branch in his beak)
Zounds! an eagle, and a bouncer!

Prince.
At sight of him the Queen no word can utter!

Quiv.
The eagle, too, is in a precious flutter.

Prince.
What means that golden bough? I wish to know.

Quiv.
I wish he'd make another bow, and go.

Prince.
I have it!

Quiv.
What?

Prince.
Air—“O Fortune à ton caprice.”

Queen.
(starting up)
My Transimenus, stay!
(the Eagle flies out of the window)
Again he's flown.

Prince.
A very flighty lover you must own.

Queen.
Forgive a passion not to be suppressed,
My first words should have been to you addressed;
I thank you for your aid, sir, most sincerely.

Prince.
Don't mention it, I am too happy, really.

Queen.
You, for my benefit, have played a part—

Prince.
Which any gentleman must know by heart.

Queen.
I am a queen, who benefits can heap.

Prince.
You told me all your story in your sleep.

Queen.
How I was wooed by a vile necromancer,
A wretch who would not take “no” for an answer?

Prince.
The great Humguffin.

Queen.
Aye. Upon your word!
And how Prince Transimenus to a bird
Was changed, by a foul sorceress he hated?

Quiv.
The facts, in brief, your Majesty has stated.

Queen.
Then you shall hear the rest some other day,
For I am now impatient to repay
My obligations to you, which are heavy.

Prince.
Madam, I but assisted at your levee.

Queen.
(takes the branch)
You are too modest; pray some wish discover.

Prince.
I wish you were united to your lover,

Queen.
Nay, generous youth, you must not think of me
Before yourself. Say would you wish to be
As perfect in your person as your mind?

Prince.
Your Majesty is really very kind.
I can't admit my title to perfection,
In any wise; but still have no objection,
To come more near the human form divine,
For others' sake a great deal more than mine.

Queen.
Be handsome then as you are good and fearless,
No more Prince Humpy—you are now Prince Peerless.

(touches him with the Golden Branch—his deformities vanish)
Quiv.
Prodigious! Sir, permit me to inspect you?
You're grown so handsome none could recollect you.
Oh, madam, pardon me, but ere you go,
A boon, perhaps, on me you would bestow.

Queen.
For what am I indebted, pray, to you?

Quiv.
I did the looking-on part—

Queen.
Very true—
And in most offices it stands confest,
The lookers-on are often paid the best;
So name your wish, my friend, for I'm in haste.

Quiv.
I needn't tell a lady of your taste,
That in the way of personal attraction,
Nature has given me ample satisfaction.
My sole desire is to preserve intact,
This head and body, which the awkward fact
Of yielding to the Prince's supplication,
Exposes to a sudden separation.

Queen.
If of your whole request that is “the tottle”
Upon my toilet table stands a bottle
Filled with sulphuric ether, which if smelt
Some moments ere the fatal blow is dealt,
Your head beneath the sword or axe may fall
Without your feeling any pain at all!

Quiv.
Pardon me once again, most gracious Queen,
But that is not at all the thing I mean.
My head and body wish to stick together.
To sing—“How happy could I be with ether,”
Is not my object—I should be quite loth
To part with either—I would keep them both.

Prince.
Poor Quiver knows the temper of my father.

Queen.
Is King Brown so tyrannical then?

Quiv.
Rather—
About the edges—

Queen.
Come, then, both with me,
My guests awhile in Fair Arcadia be.

Prince.
With all my heart! But how are we to go?
Is there a railway?

Quiv.
There's a branch—

Queen.
Air—Queen—“Jenny Lind's Farewell.”

The scene changes to

Scene Fifth.

—The Bowers of Arcadia—The stage is filled with Shepherds and Shepherdesses.
Chorus
—“Echo Quadrille.”
Hail! Hail! Hail to our Queen!
Too long absent she's been.
Home now, welcome her all,
Sing, dance, keep up the ball!
Come, Pastorella, our friendly fay,
Dance to our rustical roundelay.
Here let us gambol,
Revel and ramble,
Till the “star company” o'er our heads
Bids us sheer off to our sweet flock beds.

Ballet—“Pas de deux à la Watteau,” by Mr. Gilbert and Miss Ballin.
“Pas de ditto à la catchafairy,” by Mr. and Miss Marshall.
Arcadian Mazurka-Polka and Pastoral Gallopade, by Mesdames Burbridge, Herbert, Clair, Douglas, Finart, E. Lee, Ford, Sidney, Healey, S. Healey, E. Mercer, Simmonds, Hunt, E. Hunt, Collier, E. Healey.