 | Hamlet Travestie |  |
21
ACT THE SECOND.
SCENE I.
A Chamber in the Palace.Enter King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
King.
And can you by no drift of conversation
Smell out the cause of his sad situation?
Rosen.
He does confess himself non compos mentis,
But won't tell what the cause or the intent is.
Guilden.
He'll not be sounded; he knows well enough
The game we're after: Zooks, he's up to snuff .
Queen.
Did you not try to get him out to play?
Rosen.
It chanc'd we met the actors on the way:
22
And he this night intends to have rare sport.
Polonius.
'Tis true: and Hamlet says that if your graces
Will come to see the play, he'll book you places.
King.
With all my heart: right glad am I to find
That he to some amusement is inclin'd.
Pray, gentlemen, give him a further zest
For sports like these.
Rosen.
My Lord, we'll do our best.
[Exeunt Guild. and Rosen.
King.
Sweet Gertrude, march your carcase: we have sent
For Hamlet, that (as 'twere by accident)
He here may meet Ophelia.—Thro' the key-hole
Polonius and myself will hear and see th' whole:
And from his conduct we shall soon discover
If Hamlet's be the madness of a lover.
Queen.
Ophelia, were he mad of love for you,
I think we'd cure him soon.
Ophelia.
I think so too.
Exit Queen.
23
(To Ophelia)
Here take this book; he'll think you're at your pray'rs.
(To the King)
Come, let's be off; I hear him on the stairs.
[Exeunt King and Polonius.
Enter Hamlet.
SONG.—Hamlet.
(Tune—“Here we go up, up, up.”)
When a man becomes tir'd of his life,
The question is, “to be, or not to be?”
For before he dare finish the strife,
His reflections most serious ought to be.
When his troubles too numerous grow,
And he knows of no method to mend them,
Had he best bear them tamely, or no?—
Or by stoutly opposing them end them?
Ri tol de rol, &c.
The question is, “to be, or not to be?”
For before he dare finish the strife,
His reflections most serious ought to be.
When his troubles too numerous grow,
And he knows of no method to mend them,
Had he best bear them tamely, or no?—
Or by stoutly opposing them end them?
Ri tol de rol, &c.
To die is to sleep—nothing more—
And by sleeping to say we end sorrow,
And pain, and ten thousand things more—
O, I wish it were my turn to-morrow!
But, perchance, in that sleep we may dream,
For we dream in our beds very often—
Now, however capricious 't may seem,
I've no notion of dreams in a coffin.
Ri tol de rol, &c.
And by sleeping to say we end sorrow,
And pain, and ten thousand things more—
O, I wish it were my turn to-morrow!
But, perchance, in that sleep we may dream,
For we dream in our beds very often—
Now, however capricious 't may seem,
I've no notion of dreams in a coffin.
Ri tol de rol, &c.
'Tis the doubt of our ending all snugly
That makes us with life thus dispute;
Or who'd bear with a wife old and ugly,
Or the length of a chancery suit?
Or who would bear fardels, and take
Kicks, cuffs, frowns, and many an odd thing,
When he might his own quietus make,
And end all his cares with a bodkin?
Ri tol de rol, &c.
That makes us with life thus dispute;
Or who'd bear with a wife old and ugly,
Or the length of a chancery suit?
24
Kicks, cuffs, frowns, and many an odd thing,
When he might his own quietus make,
And end all his cares with a bodkin?
Ri tol de rol, &c.
Truly, death is a fine thing to talk of,
But I'll leave it to men of more learning;
For my own part, I've no wish to walk off,
For I find there's no chance of returning.—
After all 'tis the pleasantest way,
To bear up as we can 'gainst our sorrow;
And if things go not easy to day,
Let us hope they'll go better to-morrow.
Ri tol de rol, &c.
But I'll leave it to men of more learning;
For my own part, I've no wish to walk off,
For I find there's no chance of returning.—
After all 'tis the pleasantest way,
To bear up as we can 'gainst our sorrow;
And if things go not easy to day,
Let us hope they'll go better to-morrow.
Ri tol de rol, &c.
Hamlet.
(Seeing Ophelia)
Think on my sins, Ophelia, when you pray.
Ophelia.
My Lord, I hope I see you well to-day?
Hamlet.
I humbly thank you, pretty well, my dear.
Ophelia.
My Lord, I've brought you back your presents here—
The things you bought me at the fair, you know.
Hamlet.
I never gave you aught.
Ophelia.
You can't say so:
25
Last week when I was sitting in the kitchen:
But now you're surly they're not worth a penny—
So take them back.
Hamlet.
I never gave you any.
SONG.—Hamlet.
(Tune—“Mr. Mug.”)
Let me tell you, Miss Ophelia, your behaviour's very rude,
And your whims and freaks and fancies ought in time to be subdued;
So if my advice will better you, to give it 'tis my duty:—
Imprimis:—let your honesty discourse not with your beauty.
Won't you, won't you, won't you to a nunnery go?
And your whims and freaks and fancies ought in time to be subdued;
So if my advice will better you, to give it 'tis my duty:—
Imprimis:—let your honesty discourse not with your beauty.
Won't you, won't you, won't you to a nunnery go?
I told you once I lov'd you, but 'twas easy to perceive
That I did'nt care a fig for you, as now you will believe.
In future trust to none of us; we're arrant knaves at best;
And I (as soon you'll find) am no better than the rest.
Won't you, won't you, &c.
That I did'nt care a fig for you, as now you will believe.
In future trust to none of us; we're arrant knaves at best;
And I (as soon you'll find) am no better than the rest.
Won't you, won't you, &c.
If you marry (just to comfort you) this plague take for your portion,
That calumny will twig you, tho' you act with greatest caution.
But get some fool to marry you, if disengag'd your heart is;
I shall not tell the reason—but 'twere better for both parties.
Won't you, won't you, &c.
That calumny will twig you, tho' you act with greatest caution.
But get some fool to marry you, if disengag'd your heart is;
I shall not tell the reason—but 'twere better for both parties.
Won't you, won't you, &c.
26
I've lately been inform'd that you paint both red and white;
Heav'n gave you one face, and to make another is not right.
Your pranks have made me mad—Marriage bells no more shall jingle—
The married may remain so, but the rest shall all keep single.
Won't you, won't you, &c.
[Exit Hamlet.
Heav'n gave you one face, and to make another is not right.
Your pranks have made me mad—Marriage bells no more shall jingle—
The married may remain so, but the rest shall all keep single.
Won't you, won't you, &c.
Ophelia.
O, what a pity such a charming lad
Should, at his time of life, go raving mad!
He says he loves me not—I'll call him in again,
And his affections try to win again.
RECITATIVE (accompanied), and DUETT;
Hamlet and Ophelia.
Recitative.
Ophelia.
Dear Hamlet, pray come back. (Enter Hamlet.)
I'm your's for ever.
Hamlet.
And shall we never part, love?
(Together.)
Ah! no, never!
27
(Tune—“I've kiss'd and I've prattled.”)
Hamlet.
I've made love to fifty young women in Denmark,
And chang'd them as oft d'ye see:
But if she would promise to love me—why then mark—
Ophelia's the maid for me.
And chang'd them as oft d'ye see:
But if she would promise to love me—why then mark—
Ophelia's the maid for me.
Ophelia.
I've kiss'd and I've prattled with fifty young fellows,
And chang'd them as oft d'ye see:
But if he would be not so devilish jealous,
Young Hamlet's the lad for me.
And chang'd them as oft d'ye see:
But if he would be not so devilish jealous,
Young Hamlet's the lad for me.
Hamlet.
Your father, I know, doesn't much like the match,
But we in our choice will be free;
I'm a prince—and he ought to be glad of the catch,
For Ophelia's the maid for me.
But we in our choice will be free;
I'm a prince—and he ought to be glad of the catch,
For Ophelia's the maid for me.
Ophelia.
We know very well that advice cheap as dirt is,
And plenty I've had d'ye see:
But in spite of the lessons of brother Laertes,
Young Hamlet's the lad for me.
Hamlet and Ophelia.
Then here be an end to our squabbles and strife
And happy for ever we'll be.
Ham.
And as no other woman shall e'er be my wife,
Oph.
And as no other man shall e'er make me his wife,
Ham.
Ophelia's the maid for me.
Oph.
Young Hamlet's the lad for me.
[Exeunt.
28
SCENE II.
A Theatre in the Palace.Enter Hamlet and the First Actor.
SONG.—Hamlet.
(Tune—“Liberty Hall.”)
Tho' a talent for acting must nature impart,
'Tis refin'd and improv'd by the lessons of art:
So I'll teach you the rules my experience affords,
As I once had an itching myself for the boards.
Tol de rol, &c.
'Tis refin'd and improv'd by the lessons of art:
So I'll teach you the rules my experience affords,
As I once had an itching myself for the boards.
Tol de rol, &c.
When speaking a speech, it an actor becomes
To mumble as tho' he'd his mouth full of plums,
For mouthing's a sine qua non: if you doubt it,
Pray say what were W--- or W--- without it?
Tol de rol, &c.
To mumble as tho' he'd his mouth full of plums,
For mouthing's a sine qua non: if you doubt it,
Pray say what were W--- or W--- without it?
Tol de rol, &c.
All actors should study what folks call the graces—
That's the twist of their legs, and the set of their faces:
But for gracefully using their arms, my advice is,
They, like C---, saw the air, as it were, into slices.
Tol de rol, &c.
That's the twist of their legs, and the set of their faces:
But for gracefully using their arms, my advice is,
They, like C---, saw the air, as it were, into slices.
Tol de rol, &c.
Some will tell you, “be calm;” but in spite of their cant,
And their critical jargon, strut, bellow, and rant:
To bamboozle the flats and to keep them from snoring,
R--- proves that there's nothing like ranting and roaring.
Tol de rol, &c.
And their critical jargon, strut, bellow, and rant:
To bamboozle the flats and to keep them from snoring,
R--- proves that there's nothing like ranting and roaring.
Tol de rol, &c.
29
But in speeches which, teeming with passion, require
All an E---'s spirit, a K---'s own fire,
If you'd hope H--- S--- to equal in fame,
You, like him, must be lifeless, insipid, and tame.
Tol de rol, &c.
All an E---'s spirit, a K---'s own fire,
If you'd hope H--- S--- to equal in fame,
You, like him, must be lifeless, insipid, and tame.
Tol de rol, &c.
Some critics assert (but I stoutly dispute it),
That each word stands in need of an action to suit it:—
Their principle's false;—and if fairly they'll try it,
C---, C---, and twenty besides, will deny it.
Tol de rol, &c.
That each word stands in need of an action to suit it:—
Their principle's false;—and if fairly they'll try it,
C---, C---, and twenty besides, will deny it.
Tol de rol, &c.
Always garnish the author's, when playing the clown,
Like M--- or D--- with wit of your own:
And tho' critics should hiss, yet the gods' approbation
In a horse-laugh will greet you.—So ends my oration.
Tol de rol, &c.
Like M--- or D--- with wit of your own:
And tho' critics should hiss, yet the gods' approbation
In a horse-laugh will greet you.—So ends my oration.
Tol de rol, &c.
[Exit First Actor.
Enter Horatio.
Hamlet.
Horatio, is that you? I'm glad to meet you.
Horatio.
My honour'd lord, most proud am I to greet you.
Hamlet.
Horatio, you're as tight a lad, I say,
As one may meet with in a summer's day.
Horatio.
Come, that won't do, my lord:—now that's all gammon .
He's throwing out a sprat to catch a salmon.
[Aside.
30
Sir, if you think it gammon, you mistake me;
For if I gammon you, the devil take me.
You know I cannot hope to gain a louse,
From you, who are as poor as a church-mouse.
No! let him cringe who hopes to mend his gains;
I should but get my labour for my pains.
Since I could tell a dray-horse from a poney,
I've fix'd on you, Horatio, for my croney:
You're ne'er down-hearted; fortune's freaks you smother;
And when she slaps one cheek, you hold up t'other.
Give me the man that stands all sorts of weather,
And we shall soon be hand and glove together.
Something too much of this.—
Horatio.
Pray what's the reason
Your lordship sent for me?
Hamlet.
To smoke out treason.
You must with me in a good joke unite:
We have pic-nic theatricals to night:
A pantomimic ballet I intend
To represent my dad's untimely end.
To do't in stile I've made great preparations—
New music, scen'ry, dresses, decorations.—
I've just sent tickets to the King and Queen
Now watch my uncle in the murder scene—
I'll bet a wager he'll convict himself;
If not, this spectre is a lying elf,
And I have all this time been drunk or dreaming.
However, let us closely note his seeming.
31
My lord, we will.
[Flourish of Trumpets and Drums.
Hamlet.
This trumpeting and drumming
Gives notice that the King and Queen are coming.
To keep the joke up, I must idle be:
Go to your place, and keep a seat for me.
A GRAND MARCH.
Enter Polonius, King, Queen, Ophelia, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, Osrick, Marcellus, Bernardo, Gentlemen and Ladies.
King.
How fares our cousin Hamlet?
Hamlet.
Tightly, tightly;
I eat the air:—You can't feed pigs so lightly.
King.
Pooh! Nonsense, Sir,—Such words I don't acknowledge.
Hamlet.
(To Pol.)
You told me, Sir, you acted once at college.
Polonius.
I acted Cæsar—Brutus laid me lower.
Hamlet.
A brute indeed, to kill so great a bore!
32
Come, sit by me, dear Hamlet, whilst they're acting.
Hamlet.
I'd rather not; here's metal more attracting.
(To Ophelia)
Ophelia, may I lie upon your knees?
Ophelia.
O, surely; or wherever else you please.
Hamlet.
Look at mama—She's grinning by the pow'rs,
And father died within the two last hours!—
Ophelia.
Two months.
Hamlet.
So long? Nay, then, I'll turn the tables.
The deuce take black, I'll have a suit of sables.
Ophelia.
Pray what's the play, my Lord?
Hamlet.
I've ne'er a bill;
I cannot tell;—but that rum jockey will.
THE CURTAIN RISES.
Enter 2d Actor as Prologue.
For us and for our pantomime,
We beg you'll give us needful time.
[Exit.
We beg you'll give us needful time.
33
SCENE.—A Garden.
Enter Duke and Duchess—They embrace—Vow eternal love and constancy—Duke suddenly taken ill—Duchess alarmed—Shrieks—Enter a Page—Exit—And return with a bottle and glass—Duchess fills the glass for Duke, whilst she herself receives consolation from the bottle— Duke intimates that he feels his end fast approaching— Duchess strikes her forehead, clasps her hands, &c. &c.— (the usual pantomime signs of distress)—Vows never to survive him—At least, to live single ever after—Duke shakes his head in a manner as expressive as possible of the monosyllable “fudge”—Duchess points to the ceiling, (the pantomime mode of swearing), and exhibits a scroll thus inscribed:
“No second husband will I take,“When I have lost my first,
“I swear: and if my vow I break,
“Why then—may I be curs'd.”
They embrace—Duke gently reclines his head over his right shoulder, and meets it with the palm of his right hand (pantomime for “sleepy”)—Duchess takes the hint— Reaches a chair—Duke seats himself—Sleeps—Snores— Duchess points to the Duke—Presses her heart—Then points to the ceiling—and Exit.
Hamlet.
(To Queen)
Like you the play?
34
Indeed I must confess,
The lady vows too much.
Hamlet.
She means no less.
King.
I hope the actors no offence intend?
Hamlet.
You'll find they are but jesting in the end:
There's no offence: the story, please your grace,
A murder done in some outlandish place.
O, 'twas a scurvy trick; but that all nonsense is
To you and I, my Lord, who have clear consciences.
I never did a murder—I can bear it;
But if the cap fit you, why you may wear it.
But let's be quiet—See, they're coming in.—
Now, murd'rer, damn your faces and begin.
The Pantomime continued.
Enter Duke's nephew—Listens whether the Duke be asleep— Takes a bottle from his pocket—Attempts in vain to draw the cork—Exit.—And return with a corkscrew and a funnel—Draws the cork—Puts the funnel to Duke's ear—Pours the contents of the bottle into it—A noise— Exit in haste.
Hamlet.
Is not the case of the poor Duke a hard one?
For his estate he's poison'd in his garden.
35
'Twas his own nephew who the murder did.
King.
Oh!
King faints and is carried off—Followed by Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, &c. &c.
[Manent Hamlet and Horatio.
SONG.—Hamlet.
O dear what can the matter be!
Dear, dear, what can the matter be!
O dear what can the matter be!
Did you see how he fainted away?
To condemn any man on slight grounds I'm not willing,
But in future I'll take the ghost's word for a shilling:—
Did you notice the king when it came to the killing?—
And now, friend, I wish you good day.
[Exit Horatio.
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Rosen.
My lord, I have a message.
Hamlet.
Well, what is it?
Rosen.
The Queen desires you'll pay her soon a visit.
Hamlet.
I'll come anon.—But stay—upon my life
I'll have you play a tune upon this fife.
36
My lord, I can't.
Hamlet.
I know you can.
Rosen.
The fact is
I could play once, but now I'm out of practice.
Hamlet.
Come, Sir, then you shall play. (To Guild.)
Guild.
My lord, I would,
But I can't play at all, nor ever could.
Hamlet.
Why, look ye, what a nincompoop you'd make me.
Zounds, Sir, for what the devil do you take me?
Not play on this, and yet sound me! Od's life!
D'ye think I'm easier play'd on than a fife?
I'm not the booby you may think—March! fly!—
And tell my mother I'll come by and by.
[Exeunt Rosen. and Guild.
SONG.—Hamlet.
(Tune—“Hey randy dandy O.”)
'Tis now the very time of night,
Hey randy dandy O!
When ghosts to stalk about delight,
With their gallopping randy dandy O.
Hey randy dandy O!
When ghosts to stalk about delight,
With their gallopping randy dandy O.
37
Tis now the time when church-yards yawn,
Hey randy dandy O!
And let their tenants out till morn,
With their gallopping randy dandy O.
Hey randy dandy O!
And let their tenants out till morn,
With their gallopping randy dandy O.
For a precious row I'm just in cue;
Hey randy dandy O!
Some mischief I should like to do.
With my gallopping randy dandy O.
Hey randy dandy O!
Some mischief I should like to do.
With my gallopping randy dandy O.
But first I'll to my mother go,
Hey randy dandy O!
And what is what I'll soon let her know,
With my gallopping randy dandy O.
[Exit Hamlet.
Hey randy dandy O!
And what is what I'll soon let her know,
With my gallopping randy dandy O.
SCENE III.
The Queen's Closet.Enter Queen and Polonius.
Polonius.
He'll soon be here:—then let him have his whack:
Tell him he'll bring a house upon his back;
Tell him his pranks may get him soon a kicking,
And that your grace has sav'd him many a licking.
I'll go and hide myself behind the curtain.
Now mind your eye—
Queen.
I'll tip it him for certain.
[Polonius conceals himself behind the arras.
38
Hamlet.
Well, mother, what's the matter with you now?
Queen.
Your father, Sir, has made a pretty row .
Hamlet.
Mother, you've put my father in a passion.
Queen.
Zounds, Sir, don't answer in this idle fashion.
Hamlet.
None of your blarney; it won't do to-night,
Queen.
Have you forgot me, puppy?
Hamlet.
No, not quite:
You are the Queen—wife to your husband's brother;
And (tho' I blush to own you,) you're my mother.
Queen.
Behave yourself;—be decent, Sir, I beg.—
Hamlet.
Sit down—and dam'me if you stir a peg
'Till I have let you see your very soul—
Queen.
What! Would'st thou kill me? Help, ho!—watch!—
Polonius.
(Behind)
Patrole!
39
A rat—a rat—by Jove, that's just the thing—
He's dead as sure as two-pence.
[Hamlet draws, and stabs Polonius behind the arras.
Is't the King?
Queen.
O, Hamlet! you have done a deed felonious;
You've kill'd our poor lord chamberlain Polonius.
Hamlet.
They who throw stones should mind their windows, mother.—
Who kill'd a king and married with his brother?
Queen.
If I know what you mean, the devil burn me.
Hamlet.
(Lifts up the arras and sees Polonius.)
Thou'st paid for list'ning to what don't concern thee.
(To Queen)
Leave wringing of your hands: before we part,
I'll take the liberty to wring your heart.
Queen.
What have I done that you dare make so free,
As thus to blow me up, and bully me?
Hamlet.
Oh! such an act—it scarcely can be nam'd—
So bad—I wonder you're not more asham'd.
Jump o'er a broomstick , but don't make a farce on
The marriage ceremonies of the parson.
40
What act d'you mean?—You hoax—there's nothing in it.
Hamlet.
I'll let you know my meaning in a minute.
SONG.—Hamlet.
(Tune—“Drops of Brandy.”)
Come sit you down here, ma'am, a little,
And I'll shew you two counterfeit faces;
They're done from the life to a tittle—
Come, none of your fine airs and graces.
Look on this first: the likeness you well know,—
Like a ploughman so plump and so chubby;
A good-looking, fine, strapping fellow—
Now, madam, this once was your hubby.
Ri tol, &c.
And I'll shew you two counterfeit faces;
They're done from the life to a tittle—
Come, none of your fine airs and graces.
Look on this first: the likeness you well know,—
Like a ploughman so plump and so chubby;
A good-looking, fine, strapping fellow—
Now, madam, this once was your hubby.
Ri tol, &c.
You'll now please to look upon this:
I'd have married a monkey as soon—
An old, ugly, undersized quiz—
Zounds! the fellow looks like a baboon.
How could you take this—and forego
The one I now hold in my hand, mother?
You can't say 'twas for love; for you know
That you're almost as old as my grandmother.
Ri tol, &c.
I'd have married a monkey as soon—
An old, ugly, undersized quiz—
Zounds! the fellow looks like a baboon.
How could you take this—and forego
The one I now hold in my hand, mother?
You can't say 'twas for love; for you know
That you're almost as old as my grandmother.
Ri tol, &c.
41
O, say no more—I'll mind what I'm about:
Your words have almost turn'd me inside out.
Hamlet.
Nay, but to live (in not the best repute)
With that inhuman, cruel, murd'rous brute;
A very Filch, that more deserves to hang
Than any one of the light-finger'd gang;
That from a shelf the precious crown did thieve,
And put it in his pocket—without leave.
A King of shreds and patches— (Enter Ghost)
Ha! here's dad!
What is't you're come about?
Queen.
Alas! he's mad!
TRIO.—Hamlet, Ghost, Queen.
(Tune—“O Lady Fair.”)
Hamlet-
O spectre grim! What brings thee here now?
Thou com'st thy tardy son to chide, I fear now.
I own thy commission, as yet, is not quite done;
Don't be in a hurry, and all shall be right done.
Ghost.
(bass)—
Thee of thy promise I come to remind, Sir:—
A nod's like a wink to a horse that is blind, Sir.
Queen-
Say, Hamlet, say! on what art thou staring?
So frighten'd am I, that I vow 'tis past bearing.
42
I can see nothing!—O, where art thou walking?
Ghost-
But look at thy mother; she seems in a stew, Sir;
Tell her she'd better not be frighten'd, pray do, Sir!
Together.
Hamlet-
Whom 'tis I look at, fain you'd be knowing:
Straight thro' the trap-door now he's going.
Queen-
Whom 'tis you look at, fain I'd be knowing:—
Who thro' the trap-door now is going?
Ghost-
Whom 'tis you look at, fain she'd be knowing:—
Straight thro' the trap-door now I'm going.
[Ghost sinks.
Queen.
Hamlet, these pranks of your's do much amaze me:
You surely must be either drunk or crazy.
Hamlet.
Mother—I fear your crimes are past all cure;
But I am no more mad nor drunk than you are:
So don't humbug yourself; I'm not in liquor.—
Confess your sins this instant to the vicar;
Repent what's past, and don't do so again—
Queen.
O Hamlet, you have cut my heart in twain.
Hamlet.
Then throw away the rotten part, good mother,
And strive to make a better use of t'other.
Good night: and when you next lie down your head,
Be sure you kick my uncle out of bed:
43
To keep appearance up.—Once more, good night.
[Exit Queen.
I must be staunch with her:—I dare not falter:
And thus we whip a thief, to save him from the halter.
[Exit Hamlet.
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
| Hamlet Travestie | |