 | Hamlet Travestie |  |
1
ACT THE FIRST.
SCENE I.
A Room of State in the Palace.King, Queen, Hamlet, Polonius, Laertes, Gentlemen and Ladies discovered.
Flourish of Trumpets and Drums.
King.
Tho' by our dismal phizzes plain 'tis seen
The mem'ry of our brother's death is green;
Yet, as he's laid in peace upon the shelf,
'Tis time we think upon our royal self:
We, therefore, to dispel our royal spleen,
Have ta'en his widow Gertrude for our Queen.—
How now, Laertes, what's the news with you?
You told us of some suit.—
Laertes.
My Lord, that's true:
I have a mighty wish to learn to dance,
And crave your royal leave to go to France.
2
Your suit is granted.
Laertes.
Sire, I'm much your debtor.
King.
Then brush! the sooner you are off the better.
[Exit Laertes.
(To Hamlet)
Cheer up, my son and cousin, never mind—
Hamlet.
A little more than kin, and less than kind.
King.
Why hang the clouds still on you? Come, have done.
Hamlet.
You're out, my Lord: I'm too much in the sun.—
Queen.
Come, Hamlet, leave off crying; 'tis in vain,
Since crying will not bring him back again.
Besides, 'tis common; all that live must die—
So blow your nose, my dear, and do not cry.
Hamlet.
Aye, Madam, it is common.
Queen.
If it be,
Why seems there such a mighty fuss with thee?
Hamlet.
Talk not to me of seems—when husbands die,
'Twere well if some folks seem'd the same as I.
But I have that within, you can't take from me—
As for black clothes,—that's all my eye and Tommy .
3
Cheer up, my heart: tho' you've lost your dad,
Consider that your case is not so bad:
Your father lost a father; and 'tis certain,
Death o'er your great grandfather drew the curtain.
You've mourn'd enough: 'tis time your grief to smother;
Don't cry; you shall be king some time or other.
Queen.
Go not to Wittenburg, my love, I pray you.
Hamlet.
Mama, I shall in all my best obey you.
King.
Well said, my lad! Cheer up! no more foul weather:—
We'll meet anon, and all get drunk together.
[Flourish of trumpets and drums—Exeunt all but Hamlet.
SONG.—Hamlet.
(Tune—Derry down.)
A ducat I'd give if a sure way I knew,
How to thaw and resolve my stout flesh into dew!
How happy were I if no sin were self-slaughter!
For I'd then throw myself and my cares in the water.
Derry down, down, down, derry down.
How to thaw and resolve my stout flesh into dew!
How happy were I if no sin were self-slaughter!
For I'd then throw myself and my cares in the water.
Derry down, down, down, derry down.
How weary, how profitless,—stale, and how flat,
Seem to me all life's uses, its joys, and all that:
This world is a garden unweeded; and clearly
Not worth living for—things rank and gross hold it merely.
Derry down, &c.
Seem to me all life's uses, its joys, and all that:
This world is a garden unweeded; and clearly
Not worth living for—things rank and gross hold it merely.
Derry down, &c.
4
Two months have scarce pass'd since dad's death, and my mother,
Like a brute as she is, has just married his brother.—
To wed such a bore!—but 'tis all too late now:
We can't make a silk purse of the ear of a sow.
Derry down, &c.
Like a brute as she is, has just married his brother.—
To wed such a bore!—but 'tis all too late now:
We can't make a silk purse of the ear of a sow.
Derry down, &c.
So fondly he lov'd her, I've oft heard him tell her,
“If it rains, my dear Gertrude, pray take my umbrella.”
When too roughly the winds have beset her, he' hath said,
“My dear, take my Belcher to tie round your head.”
Derry down, &c.
“If it rains, my dear Gertrude, pray take my umbrella.”
When too roughly the winds have beset her, he' hath said,
“My dear, take my Belcher to tie round your head.”
Derry down, &c.
Why, zounds! she'd hang on him, as much as to say
“The longer I love you, the longer I may.”—
Yet before one could whistle, as I'm a true man,
He's forgotten!—Oh frailty, thy name sure is woman!
Derry down, &c.
“The longer I love you, the longer I may.”—
Yet before one could whistle, as I'm a true man,
He's forgotten!—Oh frailty, thy name sure is woman!
Derry down, &c.
To marry my uncle! My father's own brother!
I'm as much like a lion as one's like the other.
It will not, by jingo, it can't come to good—
But break my poor heart:—I'd say more if I could.
Derry down, &c.
I'm as much like a lion as one's like the other.
It will not, by jingo, it can't come to good—
But break my poor heart:—I'd say more if I could.
Derry down, &c.
Enter Horatio, Marcellus, and Bernardo.
Hamlet.
My lads I'm glad to see you. I implore
You'll tell me what brought you to Elsinore.
[To Horatio.
Horatio.
To see dad's funeral I popp'd my head in.
5
No quizzing —'twas to see my mother's wedding.
Horatio.
Indeed, my lord, one follow'd hard on t'other.—
I never should have thought it of your mother.
Hamlet.
Thrift, thrift, Horatio! Denmark's cooks were able,
With funeral meats to cheer the marriage table.—
Methinks I have my father in my sight.
Horatio.
My lord, I'll swear I saw him yesternight.
Hamlet.
Saw! Who?
Horatio.
The king, your father.
Hamlet.
Much I doubt it.
Marcellus.
'Tis true, my lord.
Horatio.
I'll tell you all about it.
SONG.—Horatio.
(Tune—“Heigho! says Rowley.”)
Two nights to watch, these gentlemen went,
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
When just at the time when the night was spent,
A spectre to frighten them thither was sent,
With his tomb-stone, jaw-bone, skull, shroud and skeleton,
“Too strange to be true,” says Horatio.
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
6
A spectre to frighten them thither was sent,
With his tomb-stone, jaw-bone, skull, shroud and skeleton,
“Too strange to be true,” says Horatio.
The ghost like your father look'd, arm'd cap-à-pé.
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
They came in a twitter to tell this to me,
Saying, “if you don't credit us pray come and see.”
With his tomb-stone, &c.
“A cock and a bull,” says Horatio.
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
They came in a twitter to tell this to me,
Saying, “if you don't credit us pray come and see.”
With his tomb-stone, &c.
“A cock and a bull,” says Horatio.
I promis'd with them to keep watch the next night:
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
When lo! as they'd told me, the ghost came in sight—
Says I, “'Tis too plain that there's something not right.
With his tomb-stone, &c.
“But we'll soon find it out,” says Horatio.
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
When lo! as they'd told me, the ghost came in sight—
Says I, “'Tis too plain that there's something not right.
With his tomb-stone, &c.
“But we'll soon find it out,” says Horatio.
I intended to say a few words to the Ghost;
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
(I should'nt have kept him five minutes at most)
But I found the poor fellow as dumb as a post.
With his tomb-stone, &c.
“He's no blabber, I find,” says Horatio.
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
(I should'nt have kept him five minutes at most)
But I found the poor fellow as dumb as a post.
With his tomb-stone, &c.
“He's no blabber, I find,” says Horatio.
He turn'd on his heel and went off in a pet,
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
But he frown'd on us all ere away we could get,
Just as much as to say, “I've not done with you yet.”
With his tomb-stone, &c.
“We had better make off,” says Horatio.
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
But he frown'd on us all ere away we could get,
Just as much as to say, “I've not done with you yet.”
With his tomb-stone, &c.
“We had better make off,” says Horatio.
7
He soon came in again, so I told him my mind:
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
Says I, “I'm quite sure you've left something behind,
Some treasure perhaps your exec'tors can't find.
With his tomb-stone, &c.
“You'd best shew where 'tis hid,” says Horatio.
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
Says I, “I'm quite sure you've left something behind,
Some treasure perhaps your exec'tors can't find.
With his tomb-stone, &c.
“You'd best shew where 'tis hid,” says Horatio.
He seem'd not to like it, and look'd rather black,
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
As much as to say, “You had best hold your clack,”
But he heard the cock crow and was off in a crack.
With his tomb-stone, &c.
“You're a rum kind of ghost,” says Horatio.
“Heigho!” says Horatio,
As much as to say, “You had best hold your clack,”
But he heard the cock crow and was off in a crack.
With his tomb-stone, &c.
“You're a rum kind of ghost,” says Horatio.
Hamlet.
Perchance 'twill walk again;—I'll watch to night,
And beg a conversation with the sprite.
If in my father's form it come to scare me,
I'll speak to it, should e'en Old Harry dare me.
(To Hor. and Mar.)
Don't let the cat out of the bag, I prythee.
Horatio.
Never fear me.
Marcellus.
Nor me.
Hamlet.
Then I'll be with ye
Soon after supper.
Horatio.
Honour?
8
Poz.—Adieu!
[Exeunt Hor. Mar. and Ber.
No doubt some dirty work, if this be true.
Would it were supper time, this tale so wheedles,
Till then I'm sitting upon pins and needles.
[Exit.
SCENE II.
The Platform.Enter Hamlet, Horatio, and Marcellus.
Hamlet.
The air bites shrewdly—it is very cold.
Horatio.
(Aside)
Why any fool, methinks, might that have told.
Hamlet.
What is't o'clock?
Horatio.
Half past eleven at most.—
Marcellus.
My watch says twelve .
Horatio.
But see! here comes the ghost.
Enter Ghost.
Hamlet.
Zounds! here's a pretty rig! O Lord, defend us!
Prythee no more such frightful spectres send us!
9
Be thou or æther-puff'd or sulphur-cramm'd;
Be thy intents indiff'rent, good, or bad,
I'll speak to thee, thou look'st so like my dad.
In a trim grave so snugly wast thou lain,
Say what the devil brought thee out again?
I like a joke myself; but 'tis not right,
To come and frighten us to death at night.
Say, why is this? and straight the reason tell us,
For fright'ning me, Horatio, and Marcellus.—
Horatio.
He'd have a tête-à-tête with you—alone.
Hamlet.
Would he?—Here goes then—now, my cock, lead on!
Marcellus.
You shall not go.
Horatio.
Perhaps he means to kill you.
Hamlet.
You'd better hold your jaw ,—be quiet, will you?
Horatio.
Now blow me if you go.
Hamlet.
My fate cries out
And gives me pluck—so mind what you're about.
Still am I call'd—paws off—the time we're wasting—
Come, brush; or else I'll give you both a basting.
[Breaking from them.
10
Lead on, I'll quickly follow.
(To Hor. and Mar.)
Wait here, and if I want ye, lads, I'll hollo.
[Exeunt Ghost and Ham. Hor. and Mar.
SCENE III.
A remote part of the Platform.Enter Ghost and Hamlet.
Hamlet.
Hollo, you Sir! Where is't you mean to go?
I'll go no further.
Ghost.
You had better.
Hamlet.
No!
Ghost.
Then hold your gab , and hear what I've to tell;
I'm press'd for time—we keep good hours in h*ll.
Soon must I go and have another roast;
So pray attend to me.
Hamlet.
Alas, poor Ghost!
11
(Tune—Giles Scroggins' Ghost.)
Behold in me your father's sprite,
Ri tol tiddy lol de ray,
Doom'd for a term to walk the night.
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
You'll scarce believe me when I say,
That I'm bound to fast in fires all day,
Till my crimes are burnt and purg'd away.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
Ri tol tiddy lol de ray,
Doom'd for a term to walk the night.
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
You'll scarce believe me when I say,
That I'm bound to fast in fires all day,
Till my crimes are burnt and purg'd away.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
But that I am forbid to blow,
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
The dreadful secrets which I know.
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
I could such a dismal tale unfold,
As would make your precious blood run cold!
But ah! those things must not be told.
Ri tol diddy, &c.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
The dreadful secrets which I know.
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
I could such a dismal tale unfold,
As would make your precious blood run cold!
But ah! those things must not be told.
Ri tol diddy, &c.
Your father suddenly you miss'd,
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
I'll tell you how:—List! List! O list!
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
'Twas given out to all the town,
That a serpent pull'd your father down—
But now that serpent wears his crown.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
I'll tell you how:—List! List! O list!
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
'Twas given out to all the town,
That a serpent pull'd your father down—
But now that serpent wears his crown.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
Your uncle is the man I mean,
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
That diddled me out of my crown and my queen.
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
O what a falling off was there!
But brief let me be, I must back repair,
For methinks I scent the morning air.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
That diddled me out of my crown and my queen.
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
12
But brief let me be, I must back repair,
For methinks I scent the morning air.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
One afternoon as was my use,
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
I went to my orchard to take a snooze;
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
When your uncle into my ear did pour
A bottle of cursed hellebore.—
How little did I think I should wake no more!
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
I went to my orchard to take a snooze;
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
When your uncle into my ear did pour
A bottle of cursed hellebore.—
How little did I think I should wake no more!
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
Doom'd by a brother's hand was I,
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
To lose my crown, my wife,—to die.
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
I should like to have settled my worldly affairs,
But the rascal came on so unawares,
That I hadn't even time to say my pray'rs.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
To lose my crown, my wife,—to die.
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
I should like to have settled my worldly affairs,
But the rascal came on so unawares,
That I hadn't even time to say my pray'rs.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
Torment your uncle for my sake;
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
Let him never be at peace, asleep or awake.
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
Your mother's plague let her conscience be—
But I must be off for the day-light I see.—
Adieu, adieu, adieu! Remember me!
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
[The Ghost vanishes.
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
Let him never be at peace, asleep or awake.
Tiddy, tiddy, &c.
Your mother's plague let her conscience be—
But I must be off for the day-light I see.—
Adieu, adieu, adieu! Remember me!
Ri tol tiddy, &c.
Hamlet.
Remember thee?—I feel in such a flurry,
Egad, I shan't forget thee in a hurry.
13
All memoranda swift shall disappear;
There thy commandment all alone I'll write;
And if I e'er forget thee—blow me tight.
Horatio
(without.)
My Lord!
Marcellus.
Lord Hamlet!
Hamlet.
Damn those stupid fellows.
Horatio, here am I.—Hollo, Marcellus.
Enter Horatio and Marcellus.
Marcellus.
How is't, my Lord?—What news?—What said the Ghost?
Hamlet.
You'll blab.
Marcellus.
Not I.
Horatio.
I'm silent as a post.
Hamlet.
He said each Danish villain is a knave!
Horatio.
That all?—He might have staid then in his grave.
14
That's as he pleases.—So good night—but ho!
I have a word to say before you go.
Never make known what you have seen to night.
Horatio.
Not I.
Marcellus.
Nor I.
Hamlet.
Swear!
Ghost
(beneath.)
Make 'em swear. That's right!
[They swear.
Hamlet.
But that's not all: Now swear that if, perchance,
Like Merry Andrew, I think fit to dance
And skip about the house, you'll never dare
To tell, or even hint, the reason—
Ghost
(beneath.)
Swear!
[They swear again.
Hamlet.
Lie still, Old Grey-bones.—'Tis such chilling weather,
Suppose we go and get some drink together?
Horatio.
With all my heart—Egad, I like your plan—
Marcellus, what say you, lad?
15
I'm your man.
Hamlet.
The world's gone mad—Curs'd fate, that ever I
Was born to have a finger in the pie!
[Exeunt.
SCENE IV.
An Apartment in Polonius's House.Enter Polonius, meeting Ophelia.
Polonius.
You look stark mad, Ophelia!—What's the row?
Ophelia.
I've had a precious fright.
Polonius.
Pray tell me how.
SONG.—Ophelia.
(Tune—“Mrs. Clarke.”)
My Lord, you must know,
A few minutes ago,
In my room I was darning a stocking:
Now conceive my alarm,
When, (not dreaming of harm),
I was rous'd by a violent knocking.
A few minutes ago,
In my room I was darning a stocking:
Now conceive my alarm,
When, (not dreaming of harm),
I was rous'd by a violent knocking.
16
I thought 'twas Old Scratch,
So I fasten'd the latch,
And went on with my work as before;
But whilst my needle I was threading,
Lord Hamlet popp'd his head in—
For, d'ye mind, he kick'd open the door.
So I fasten'd the latch,
And went on with my work as before;
But whilst my needle I was threading,
Lord Hamlet popp'd his head in—
For, d'ye mind, he kick'd open the door.
His doublet unbrac'd,
Was slung round his waist,
And his stockings were dirty and loose;
He was pale as a sheet,
And could scarce keep his feet.—
Thus he came in, and star'd like a goose!
Was slung round his waist,
And his stockings were dirty and loose;
He was pale as a sheet,
And could scarce keep his feet.—
Thus he came in, and star'd like a goose!
He took hold of my wrist,
And gave it a twist
That made me to quiver and quake:
He then began to quiz
As tho' he meant to draw my phiz;
And then gave me a terrible shake.
And gave it a twist
That made me to quiver and quake:
He then began to quiz
As tho' he meant to draw my phiz;
And then gave me a terrible shake.
Next, so sadly he sigh'd,
Lord! I thought he'd have died;
Then he thrice up and down shook his noddle.
After treating me so,
He thought fit to let me go;
And then tow'rds the stairs did he waddle.
Lord! I thought he'd have died;
Then he thrice up and down shook his noddle.
After treating me so,
He thought fit to let me go;
And then tow'rds the stairs did he waddle.
'Twas a chance he didn't fall
Over bannisters and all,
For I vow not a step could he see;
To my utter surprize,
He found his way without his eyes,—
To the last they were bent upon me.
Over bannisters and all,
For I vow not a step could he see;
To my utter surprize,
He found his way without his eyes,—
To the last they were bent upon me.
17
Come, go with me;—I will go seek the king:
Hamlet's behaviour is not quite the thing.
Have you of late been snappish to him, pray?
Ophelia.
Oh, no—I never did a cross word say:
I merely sent his letters back by scores,
And when he came to see me, turn'd him out o'doors.
Polonius.
Aye! that hath made him mad—I do not doubt it.
We'll to the king and tell him all about it.
[Exeunt.
SCENE V.
The Palace.Enter King, Queen, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern.
King.
Welcome, dear Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern:
You have come just in time to serve our turn.
Something you've heard of Hamlet's transformation;
But to account for his sad situation
We find impossible; so you must pump him:
If he won't tell by fair means—why then—thump him.
Queen.
Good gentlemen, right heartily he'll greet you,
For very often hath he wish'd to meet you;
So stay, and find out what his real state is,
And we will give you board and lodging gratis.
18
Indeed we can't refuse, you speak so pretty;
You might command us, and you use entreaty.
Guild.
We both obey you, and we think it meet
To lay our service freely at your feet.
King.
Thanks, lads.
Queen.
Now pray discover what this fun is.
(To attendants)
Hollo, there! bring these jockeys where my son is.
[Exeunt.
SCENE VI.
Another Room in the Palace.Enter Hamlet.
Hamlet.
I think my plan will hit—they're caught, egad!
And all the family believe I'm mad.
Guild'stern and Rosencrantz just now they sent
To sift my secrets, but they miss'd their scent—
And Old Polonius too—that sneaking prig—
But if I let them pump me, dash my wig.
Hold! something of the play'rs he said—aye—right.
I'll have them act a play this very night:
For guilty people oft (I've heard folks say)
Confess their sins when sitting at a play.—
They shall not act their tragedies; I'd rather
Have something 'bout the murder of my father:
19
We'll get it up in stile,—if we have time.
The king shall come; he'll not suspect the trick;
I'll watch him close—I'll touch him to the quick.
The charge against him is, as yet, deficient,—
The honour of a Ghost is not sufficient:
But if the play affect him, I shall tell O!
That he's a knave—the Ghost an honest fellow.
[Exit Hamlet.
END OF THE FIRST ACT.
| Hamlet Travestie | |