University of Virginia Library

SCENE V.

—Near the Grecian Camp. Lists set out.
Enter Patroclus [R.], meeting Menelaus [L.].
Ajax
[crossing the stage brusquely R. to L.].
Get out of my path, or I'll knock you down!
[Thunder and lightning. Stops confronting it.
Jupiter Tonans, me it's no use frightening;
I spurn your thunder, and defy your lightning.
A pugilistic gentleman in training
If thus you'd damp, it's time you left off reigning.
Eating raw steaks, with sherry's imbibition,
I've got myself into such fierce condition,
That I'm afraid—all other fears deriding—
'Tis fated I shall never get that hiding.
I should like one; but I must be retreating—
I've half a mile to go before the meeting.

[Exit L.
Enter Agamemmon [R.], with bottle and glass, and Teucer with a horse-cloth.
Aga.
Cover him up, lest he should take a chill.

[Exit Teucer after Ajax, L.
Mene.
Your hurry, brother?

Aga.
Oh! I can't stand still. I'm training him: the fight large stakes I've got on.
Between ourselves, I've rather put the pot on.

[Exit L.
Patro.
But to my question. Tell me, have you seen
Achilles' rig?

Mene.
I haven't.

Patro.
Can you glean
Any particulars of what it's made of?
I durstn't ask, his rage I'm so afraid of;
He snubs me so, in spite of all my homage:
Is stripes thought nobby, or is checks the fromage.

Mene.
That I can't say: I'm sure, though, I'm not wrong
In saying waists is short and skirts is long.

Patro.
I'll get mine alter'd. What's the size of button?

Mene.
Cheese-plates.

Patro.
No bigger? Sleeves is—

Mene.
Legs of mutton.

Patro.
I'll to my tailors. Time, perhaps, there still is
To make me look exactly like Achilles.

[Exit.
Enter in procession Agamemnon, Ulysses, Achilles, Teucer, Talthybius, Nestor, &c. Achilles has a new suit of armour on, and is very splendid. He and Agamemnon scowl at each other.
Aga.
Ulysses, in the sporting man's capacity,
You've scarcely shown your usual sagacity.
Our man must win—he's in condition prime;
Take my advice, and edge while you have time.

Ulys.
Let matters bide.
[Aside.]
I think the danger's well met.

Achilles.
Ithacus, how d'ye like the new pith helmet?
It's Trojan—us they throw in darkness Stygian
In dress: of course you know the “pegtop's” Phrygian?
A brilliant notion!

[Spreads pockets.
Ulys.
Weel, as trews, nae doot:
They're trifling things we dinna care aboot.

Aga.
Is not yon Diomed, with Calchas' daughter?

Ulys.
'Tis he. I ken his gait.

Aga.
I'm glad he's brought her.

[All look off L.
Music: “See the Conqu'ring Hero.” Enter Cupid, strutting. They do not see him.
Cupid
[aside to audience].
Invisible this time!
[Stabs the Greeks one after another, all but Achilles, who turns up the stage.
One! two! three! four!

Ulys.
[shaking his head].
I see you, mon.

Cupid.
You Calydonian bore!
There's no concealing anything from you:
Those northern lights pierce any darkness through.
I've a good mind to—

[Offering to shoot him.
Ulys.
Hoot! you'd burn your prime.

Enter Patroclus [R.], in a miraculous costume, not in the least resembling Achilles.
Patro.
I hope I'm not too late.

Cupid.
No—just in time.

[He stabs Patroclus just as Cressida enters at the opposite side, led in by Diomed. Exit Cupid R.
Patro.
[looking at Cressida].
Gemini cry! What lovely vision's that?
[Looking at Achilles, appears overwhelmed with that warrior's costume.
O horror!

[Faints. Menelaus catches him.
Mene.
What?

Patro.
Them pegs—that 'ev'nly hat.
I thought this style the mark was something near.
Just like my luck!

Aga.
Welcome, my pretty dear!

[Kisses Cressida.
Nestor.
Our guests we always welcome with a kiss;
So in my turn—

[Kisses her.
Cres.
[aside].
A curious custom this!
But folks in Rome must do as Romans do.

Achilles.
Nestor, I'll take the lady after you.

Cres.
[aside].
What a superb young man!

[Achilles kisses her.
Patro.
The favour great—

Mene.
Age before honesty, Patroclus. Wait!

[Thrusts him aside and kisses her.
Cres.
Pray are there any more?

Teucer.
A little one.
[Patroclus tries to get before him.
Don't push, sir!

Patro.
[crestfallen].
Beg your pardon, when you've done.

[Teucer kisses Cressida.
Cres.
[aside].
In Troy this conduct would be thought effront'ry.
But then, of course, the customs of a country
Must be obey'd.

Patro.
My claim may I enforce?

[A trumpet.
Talthybius
[thrusts Patroclus aside].
The signal for the combat! Clear the course!

Cres.
Let me not see the terrible event.

Dio.
Lady, I'll lead you to your father's tent.

[Exeunt Diomed and Cressida, R. Patroclus, thrust aside by everybody, is defrauded of his kiss. Trumpet repeated.
Enter Ajax, armed.
Ajax.
Well, gentlemen, I'm here—as large as life,
And twice as natural—arm'd for the strife,
Anxious to see if Trojan Hector vaunted
Can let me have that licking I've long wanted;
Or, if he can't afford the whole amount,
To know how much he can stand on account.

[Trumpet.
Tal.
Great Hector's trumpet.

Aga.
Well, it sounds high metall'd.

Enter Æneas, attended.
Æneas.
Hail, all you state of Greece! How is it settled?

Aga.
How is what settled, Trojan?

Æneas.
Why the fight.
Is Ajax pick'd to dare great Hector's might?

Aga.
Why do you ask?

Æneas.
Chiefly to be enlighten'd.
Hector would rather not.

Ajax
[aside].
Of course, he's frighten'd.

Aga.
His motive?

Æneas.
Oracles declare the war
Will never end till Peleus' son once more,
Our chief to fight, in shining armour sheath him.
Hector, besides, thinks Ajax is beneath him.

[Achilles shrugs his shoulders contemptuously.
Ajax.
Your name?

Æneas.
Æneas.

Ajax.
Good! This insolence
I look on as an Æneas offence;
And so, before illustrious Hector comes,
I'll polish you off.

[Squaring at him.
Aga.
[wildly].
Strike the kettle drums;
Sound trumpets, gongs; let off squibs, rockets, crackers,
To silence him!
[To Ajax].
Have mercy on your backers!

Enter Hector, armed, attended by Troilus (wearing Cressida's glove in his helmet) and Suite. Diomed re-enters, and places himself as Ajax's second. Æneas performs the same office for Hector. Hector and Ajax shake hands.
Hector
[showing his sword to Ajax].
How would you like it—pointedly or smiting?

Ajax.
At any rate, suppose we take it fighting.

Hector
[to Talthybius].
I hope you're well supplied with lint and plasters?

Tal.
Lots.

Hector.
Give the word.

Tal.
Now, swells, shy up your castors!

[Shout. Hector and Ajax fight.
Dio.
[to Ajax].
Rest, warrior, rest!

Ajax.
I'm not fatigued.

Dio.
Then drink.

[Gives him a drink. Ajax utters a yell of pain, and falls helpless in Diomed's arms.
Ajax.
I'm poison'd!

Dio.
What!

Ajax
[faintly].
“South African,” I think.

Ulys.
[aside, exulting].
I fill'd the flask mysel'.

Aga.
O fatal blunder!
That draught may lose the fight.

Teucer.
I shouldn't wonder.

Hector.
Ajax, some other time I'll make you bleed.

Ajax.
I'm not to have that licking, it's decreed.

Aga.
Cover him well, that he from cold may 'scape.

Ajax
[faintly, rejecting cloak].
No, I can't stand a doubling of the Cape.

CONCERTED PIECE.—A Guinea and a One Pound Note.
Aga.
Take him up! take him up!
He's been hocuss'd, it is plain,
By a sup from a cup:
It's a case of “Running Rein.”

Ulys.
[aside].
Which I'm far from contradicting since that famous case he quotes,
For a mon must save his guineas and his one-pound notes.
[Ajax is carried out helpless.
Perhaps our guest will do us now the pleasure
Of dancing us a lively Phrygian measure,
Or singing something?

Hector.
Oh, you're very kind;
But in the arts of peace I'm all behind.
There's nothing in the graceful line I know,
Unless you'd like to see a Rarey show.

Aga.
Oh! what is that?

Hector.
A trifling gift of mine:
I've some renown in the horse-taming line.
If you can find a nag of vicious stamp—

Aga.
Bring in the very worst horse in the camp.

Tal.
Our worst, my liege, met with his undertaker
This morning in a wealthy sausage-maker.

Hector.
Then he's past cure.

Aga.
So bring the next worst prad on.
[Talthybius makes a sign. Music: “Gee ho, Dobbin!” A Groom comes in, leading a kicking horse.
Will he do?

Hector.
I've my doubts. He looks a bad one.

[Æneas brings Hector a sixpenny drum and penny trumpet. Business, Hector taming the horse with the drum. The horse becomes fascinated, and changes his kicking into a pas de deux with Hector. Agamemnon takes a whip and officiates à la Widdicomb. Hector and the horse dance. The characters look on with interest. The animal kneels humbly down. Hector puts his foot on him in the attitude of Mr. Rarey.
Aga.
A miracle! The wild horse made a tame one!

Dio.
Who could believe the beast to be the same one?

Aga.
O wondrous man! impart your secret's treasure.

Hector.
At ten pun'ten per head all round—with pleasure!

Ulys.
Sir, ye're an extraordinary mon.

Hector.
Your flattery's charming—

Ulys.
Nay, I'm using none.
It's wonderfu'! Now, I've a tit mysel'
That I can neither manage, break, nor sell.

Hector.
A kicker?

Ulys.
Not precisely.

Hector.
Hard-mouth'd, p'rhaps?

Ulys.
Well, rather. [Aside.]
Made of planks, bolts, nails, and straps.

Hector.
Shies?

Ulys.
Nae—he's pretty steady, eye and limb.
But now you mention it, folks shy at him.

Hector.
Why so?

Ulys.
He's rather large and obstinate:
For months he wouldn't pass his stable gate.
We knock'd the wall down—shoved him neck and crap—
The stubborn creature stuck fast in the gap,
And wadna budge, all we could do or say,
More than a quarter of an inch a day;
And when weel launch'd and sailing smooth we 'count him,
Why, scarce a living soul will dare to mount him.

Hector.
Pray might one see this wondrous tit for tat?

Ulys.
See him! Why, yes; he big eno' for that.
Just bring him round.

Music: “The Bronze Horse.” Minerva rises [L.] close to Hector, and holds the ægis before his eyes. Cupid enters L., and tries to prevent her.
Min.
Love, interrupt not me!
Hector I've sworn to-day shall blinded be
To Wisdom's ways, and be, in fact, an ass.
The ægis has perform'd its charm.

[Withdraws it, disappears.
Cupid.
Alas!

[Exit.
Music continued. The Giant Horse is brought in R. to L.
Hector.
A splendid creature, if without a vice
Save those you mention'd. May I ask his price?

Ulys.
You'd really like him?

Hector.
As a curiosity.

Ulys.
Accept him as a gift.

[Shaking his hand.
Hector.
This generosity,
Sublime Ulysses, knocks me in a heap.

Ulys.
Prince, the fact is, I can't afford his keep.

Hector.
What does he eat?

Ulys.
His appetites are funny.
As yet he's swallow'd nothing except money;
But get him once to work, whate'er folks say,
I'll back Leviathan to pay his way.

Hector.
Doubts of his paying strike me not with awe—
I'll do my best to make him run and draw.

Ulys.
When shall I send him home?

Hector.
Whene'er you please.

Ulys.
Of course there'll be some trifling turnpike fees
To pass him into Troy—they'll scarce be large.

Hector.
Do you suppose I'd put you to the charge?
[Writes in pocket-book and tears leaf out.
“Troy turnpike trust—one horse—clears Scæan wicket:”
That, my too generous friend, you'll find the ticket.

[Exeunt.