University of Virginia Library

ACT III.

SCENE I.

Enter STALINO and ALCESIMUS.
STALINO.
Now is the time that I shall know, Alcesimus,
Whether you represent a friend or foe.
The tryal's now on proof, the battle's join'd.
Why do I love, you say? nay, blame me not:
But cut that matter short—My head's too grey!
Advanc'd in years! Besides, a married man!
Cut short those matters too.

Alc.
I never saw
A man in love, in a worse plight than you.

Sta.
Take care your house be empty.

Alc.
Troth, I'm fix'd
To send my servants, men and maids, to you.

Sta.
You're perfectly adroit! But now remember
The injunction given by Colax in the comedy—
Let each one hither bring his dish, as if
To Sutrium he was going—

Alc.
I'll remember.

Sta.
Ordinance ne'er was better order'd; to you
I leave it—I'm just going to the forum,
And shall be back i'th'instant—

Alc.
A good walk to you!

Sta.
See that your doors too have a tongue.

Alc.
Why so?

Sta.
When I come back, that they may ask me in.

Alc.
Strange that! you are a man to be corrected,
You say your pleasure of us.

Sta.
Of what use
Is it to be in love, unless we can
Banter a little? But do you take care
You're in the way when wanted.

Alc.
I shall be
At home.

[Exit Stalino. Alcesimus stands apart.

SCENE II.

Enter CLEOSTRATA.
Cle.
And was it then for this, by Castor!
My husband press'd me with such earnestness
To invite my neighbour to my house directly,
That her's might be at liberty for him
To introduce his Casina into?
But I shan't press the invitation,
Nor be the means of giving such old bell-weathers
An opportunity to indulge their lusts.
But see! look there, the pillar of the state,
The prop of the republick coming hither,
My neighbour, who would make an offer of
His house, my husband to accommodate.
That wit he has, was bought at no cheap rate.

Alc.
[coming forward.]
I wonder much what can the reason be
They have not yet sent over for my wife.
She is at home quite dress'd, and waiting for them.
But see! I think they now are come to call her.
Good day, Cleostrata—

Cle.
The like to you,
Alcesimus—Where is your wife?

Alc.
Within;
And waiting your commands—Your husband begg'd
I'd send her to your house, in order that
She might assist you—Shall I call her to you?

Cle.
No matter: by no means, if she is busy.

Alc.
She is at leisure.

Cle.
Well, it is no matter.
I would not willingly be troublesome.
I'll call upon her at some future time.

Alc.
Are you not here preparing for a wedding?

Cle.
We're now about it.

Alc.
Do you then not want
Assistance?

Cle.
No, we have enough at home.
When every thing is ready for the ceremony,
I'll call upon her—Now farewell, and pay
My compliments unto her.

Alc.
Well, what now
Is to be done? Unhappy as I am!
I have embark'd me in a base affair,
Only to oblige this vile, old, toothless goat,
Who has engag'd me in't—I've promis'd too,
My wife to assist abroad, as puppies do.
Then this old debauchee! who told me too
His wife would ask mine over to his house:
And now she tells me, she does not expect her.
I should not be surpriz'd, by Pollux' temple!
If after all, my neighbour here, Cleostrata,
Should smell a rat—But yet, on t'other side,
When I consider this affair, should it
Be so, she would apply herself to me.
Well, I'll go in, and privily convey
My vessel once more into dock.

[Exit.
Cle.
In troth!
He has been most finely play'd upon. How fast
These pitiful old fellows hurry on,
And to no purpose—Now I well could wish
My good for nothing, old decrepid husband
Would come along this way, that I might make
A fool of him, just as I've done of t'other.
'Twould give me pleasure could I make them quarrel.
But see, he's coming—Look upon his gravity,
And you would take him for a sober man.

[stands apart.

SCENE III.

Enter STALINO.
Sta.
In my opinion, 'tis a mighty folly
For one who is in love, to think of going
To any publick place, the very day
His mistress is drest out in all her trim,
And ready to receive him. Yet this folly
Have I been guilty of—I've spent the day,
Standing to plead the cause of a relation;
And I, by Hercules! am glad he has lost it,
To teach him to chuse me another time
To be his advocate. 'Tis necessary,
When you would ask a friend to plead your cause,
First to enquire, if his mind's at home,
Or gone abroad—And, if the last, to send
And fetch it home again—But see, my wife
Standing before our door! Wretch that I am!
I'm desperately afraid she is not deaf,
But has o'erheard what I've been talking of.

Cle.
[apart.]
By Castor's temple! I have heard it all,
And you shall find it to your cost.

Sta.
I'll go
A little nearer—What are you about, [to her.]

My joy?

Cle.
Waiting for you.

Sta.
All's ready then?
What have you brought our neighbour to assist you?

Cle.
I have, as you desir'd, invited her.
But this your crony, this best friend of yours,
Why he should be so angry with his wife,
I can't conceive—When I invited her,
He said he could not let her come to me.

Sta.
Ay, 'tis your greatest fault, you speak not mildly—

Cle.
'Tis not the business of a virtuous wife,
But of a courtezan, my dear, to wheedle.
Do you go fetch her. I'll go in, and see
What's to be done within, my soul.

Sta.
Make haste then.

Cle.
I will—I'll now throw in some fears, and make
This goatish suitor here compleatly miserable.

[Exit.

SCENE IV.

Enter ALCESIMUS.
Alc.
I'll now go see if this mad-headed lover,
Who would bamboozle both my wife and me,
Is come home from the forum. But behold,
He's there before the door—By Hercules!
Most opportunely am I coming to you.

Sta.
And so, by Hercules! am I to you.
But what, unworthy man, have you to say?
What was't I gave in charge to you? What was't
I beg'd of you to do?

Alc.
Why, what's the matter?

Sta.
How well you've taken care your house should be
Free for my use? How well you've sent your wife
Home to our house? And are you not the cause
I've lost so fair an opportunity?

Alc.
Go hang yourself. You said yourself, your wife
Should call on me, and fetch mine over to you.

Sta.
She said she had done so: but you refus'd
To let her come.

Alc.
And yet Cleostrata
Herself declar'd she did not want her aid.

Sta.
But she herself has sent me to desire
That she would come.

Alc.
I do not mind your but.

Sta.
But notwithstanding that, you ruin me.

Alc.
But that is well then—But I shall not part
With this same but as yet—But I'd be glad
To make you angry—But, and if I knew
The way to do it—but I'd do it freely.
Yes, I will have as many buts as you;
And now to sum up all your buts in one,
But may the gods confound you!

Sta.
After all,
Will you at last send your wife over to us?

Alc.
You may yourself conduct her; and may you,
My wife and yours, nay, and your mistress too,
Go and be hang'd together—Now march off,
And let's attend to business—I'll go order
My wife to cross the garden, and give yours
The meeting—

Sta.
Now you are a friend indeed.
[Exit Alc.
Under what ill star'd omen, shall I say,
This love has ta'en possession of my heart—
Or 'gainst the goddess Venus, what offence
Have I committed, that so many crosses,
Such accidents should thus obstruct my love?
But what's that noise I hear within the house?

SCENE V.

Enter PARDALISCA.
Par.
Undone! undone! I'm ruin'd utterly!
Frightned to death! my limbs sink under me.
Where shall I find assistance or protection,
Refuge or succour! What surprizing things
Have I just seen within! such desperateness
New and unusual—Take good care, Cleostrata,
Care of yourself, keep from her, I beseech you;
Lest in the transport of her rage, she do
Some mischief to you—Force from her the sword;
She is distracted—

Sta.
What's the matter? why
Does she run out, in such a fright, and seemingly
Half dead with fear?—Hola! there, Pardalisca.

Par.
I'm ruin'd! whence that voice which strikes my ears?

Sta.
Look on me then—

Par.
What, is it you, my master!

Sta.
What is the matter? What is't frightens you?

Par.
Oh! I'm quite spent.

Sta.
How spent?

Par.
Undone!
And you're the same.

Sta.
What is the matter with you?
Unfold—

Par.
Ah! woe be to you—

Sta.
And the like
To you—

Par.
O dear! Support me, I shall fall.

Sta.
What can this be? Explain to me directly.

Par.
Oh! my heart fails me; be so good to make
A little air, and fan me with your cloak.

Sta.
How this affair alarms me! I can't think
What it can be; perhaps she may have put
Too little water to her wine.

Par.
I beg you
Hold tight my temples—

Sta.
To the gallows with you!
Your temples, head and heart, and all of you
May the gods crush! For if you don't quick tell me
What is the matter, I myself, you serpent,
Will knock your brains out, who thus play upon me.

Par.
My master!

Sta.
Well, what would you have, my girl?

Par.
You are too angry.

Sta.
And you prate too much.
But say what is this matter—Speak in few:
What's this disturbance here within the house?

Par.
Well, you shall know: attend then to this evil,
This bad affair, this prank that your slave Casina
Is playing in the house; and what is not
According to the laws of the republick.

Sta.
What is it?

Par.
Fear does quite prevent my utterance.

Sta.
Of what? Can I not learn from you what sort
Of business 'tis?

Par.
I'll tell you then—This Casina
Whom you would marry to your bailiff—she
Within doors—

Sta.
What within doors? tell me what?

Par.
Is following the example of bad wives;
And threats her husband.

Sta.
How is that?

Par.
Alas!

Sta.
What's that?

Par.
She says she'll take away his life.
A sword—

Sta.
Ha!

Par.
Yes, a sword—

Sta.
What of that sword?

Par.
Holds in her hand—

Sta.
Ah! wretched me!—For what!

Par.
Why she pursues all who're within the house,
Won't let a soul come near her; so that all,
Silent for fear, conceal themselves in chests,
Or under beds.—

Sta.
Undone! without resource.
What sudden ill is this befallen her?

Par.
She has lost her reason—

Sta.
I am the most wretched
Of men.

Par.
Ah! if you knew what she has said
To day.

Sta.
Why tell me then; what is't she said?

Par.
Attend: she swore by all the gods and goddesses,
She'd this night murder him who was to lie with her.

Sta.
Murder me!

Par.
You! why how are you concern'd?

Sta.
Psha! psha!

Par.
Why what have you to do with her?

Sta.
'Twas a mistake. I should have said my bailiff.

Par.
From the high road you turn out knowingly
Into bye paths—

Sta.
But does she threaten me?

Par.
She's more averse to you than any body.

Sta.
Why so?

Par.
Because you'd marry her to Olympio.
She swears nor you, nor he, nor she herself,
Shall be alive to-morrow. I'm sent hither
To tell you this; and caution you to guard
Against her.

[runs off.
Sta.
I am ruin'd quite! by Hercules!
And sure there is not an old man in love,
Nor ever was, so wretched as myself.

Re-enter PARDALISCA.
Par.
[aside.]
I play upon him cleverly; for all
I've said has not one word of truth in it.
My mistress and her neighbour here, concerted
This scheme together, and dispatch'd me hither
To play it off.

Sta.
Hola! there, Pardalisca!

Par.
Well, what's the matter now?

Sta.
There is—

Par.
What is there?

Sta.
Something I want to examine you about.

Par.
You're only throwing hindrance in my way.

Sta.
And you, sorrow and grief in mine—But say
Has Casina still got a sword?

Par.
A sword?—
Yes, two—

Sta.
How? two!

Par.
Yes, one to do your business;
The other for your bailiff—

Sta.
I'm a dead man,
More so than any man that now is living.
A coat of mail would be a proper thing
To wrap myself up in—What did my wife?
Did not she go, and take away her sword?

Par.
There's no one dar'd go near her.

Sta.
Yet she should
Have spoke her fair.

Par.
She did so: but in vain;
She would not part with it, unless she knew
That she should not be married to the bailiff.

Sta.
Spite of her teeth, and for she does not chuse it,
She shall be married, and this very day too.
Why should I not compleat my undertaking,
And get her married to me?—Not to me
I meant; but to our bailiff—

Par.
Very often
You blunder thus—

Sta.
All owing to my fright—
But prithee tell my wife, I beg she would
Intreat her to lay down the sword, that I
May go into my house.

Par.
I'll tell her so.

Sta.
Do you yourself intreat her too.

Par.
I will.

Sta.
But use soft words, as you are us'd to do.
And do you mind me, if you should effect it,
I will present you with a pair of slippers;
Give you a gold ring for your finger too,
And many more good things.

Par.
I'll do my best.

Sta.
Endeavour to succeed.

Sta.
I'll go directly,
Unless ought should detain me.

Sta.
Get you gone then,
And take good care—But see, our eaterer
[Exit Pardalisca.
Comes with provisions, and his followers with him.

SCENE VI.

Enter OLYMPIO, a COOK, and his assistants.
Olym.
[to the Cook.]
Take care, you thief, and see that your assistants,
These briars here, march well under your banner.

Cook.
Why are they briars?

Olym.
Why, because whate'er
They touch they bear away; and tear it strait
To pieces—To whatever place they come,
Or wheresoe'er they are, with double loss
They mulct their masters.

Cook.
Fie upon you! fie!

Olym.
But while I'm chattering here, I never think
To meet my master, and put on an air
Of some importance, as of quality;
And with familiarity accost him.

Sta.
Good day to you, good man.

Olym.
Ay, very true.

Sta.
Well, what's the news?

Olym.
The news? Why you're in love;
And I am hungry, and am thirsty too.

Sta.
You're marching well attended.

Olym.
Yes, to-day—

Sta.
But stay, however full you are of scorn.

Olym.
Foh! foh! your speeches smell unsavoury.

Sta.
What business urges you?

Olym.
This business, sir—

[pointing to the provisions.
Sta.
What, won't you stop a bit?

Olym.
I've other things
To mind—You're troublesome—

Sta.
If you do not stop
I shall bestow upon you what you'll like not.

Olym.
Great Jove! I prithee get thee farther off,
Unless you'd wish to have me take a puke.

Sta.
Stop then—

Olym.
The matter? say, Who is this man?

Sta.
I am your master.

Olym.
You? What master, fellow?

Sta.
Why him to whom you're slave.

Olym.
How, I a slave?

Sta.
Yes, and my slave.

Olym.
What, am I then not free?
Call that to mind again; have you forgot?

Sta.
Stop, and stay here.

Olym.
Let me alone.

Sta.
I am
Your slave.

Olym.
Ay, there's some sense in that—

Sta.
I beg
My little dear Olympio, father! patron!

Olym.
That's good! you now in troth have found your wisdom.

Sta.
I'm at your service quite.

Olym.
What need have I
Of so untoward a servant—But what now?

Sta.
What dainty fare you'll give me by-and-by?

Olym.
If supper was but drest.

Sta.
Let 'em go in then.

Olym.
Quick, haste, go in directly, and dispatch—

Sta.
I'll presently be with you—See, at supper
That there be wine enough—For I would fare
Deliciously, not imitate barbarians.
Go in— [to the Cook.]
I'll stay a little longer here.
'Tis said, that Casina has got a sword
Within, to take away my life and yours—

[to Olympio.
Olym.
I know it—Let her have one—'Tis no more
Than a meer joke—I know them both, I tell you,
A pretty piece of goods they are. However,
Do you go in with me.

Sta.
Yet notwithstanding,
By Pollux! I am fearful of some mischief.
Do you go first, and see what's doing there.

Olym.
My life's as dear to me, as yours to you.

Sta.
But I desire you'd only go along—

Olym.
I'll go along with you, if you command me.

[Exeunt.