University of Virginia Library

SCENE III.

CALLIDORUS and PSEUDOLUS come forward.
Cal.
Hear you not what he says, my Pseudolus?

Pseu.
I hear it, Sir, and take good notice of it.

Cal.
What present would you have me send to him,
To hinder him from making my own mistress
Stand here for hire?

Pseu.
Take you no care about it;
But smooth your mind—I'll take sufficient care
Both for myself and you—'Tis now long time
That he and I have equally well wish'd
Each other—An old grudge subsists between us.
I'll send him something upon this his birth-day,
Some heavy mischief—

Cal.
But be speedy with
Whate'er is to be done—

Pseu.
Mind something else,
Can't you?

Cal.
But—

Pseu.
Hush!

Cal.
I'm on the rack—

Pseu.
Take courage.

Cal.
I can't—

Pseu.
Endeavour—

Cal.
How can I controul
My passion?

Pseu.
By attending more to what
Regards your interest, than in your distress,
What suits your inclination—

Cal.
Trifling all!
There's no delight in love unmix'd with folly.

Pseu.
Do you persist?

Cal.
Let me alone, my Pseudolus,
And let me be undone—

Pseu.
I may depart then?

[going.
Cal.
Stay, stay—I'll be as you would have me be.

Pseu.
Now you talk sensibly—

Bal.
Time wears. I loiter.
Go you before, boy— [going.


Cal.
Hola! there—He's gone—
But call him back—

Pseu.
And why in such a hurry—
Gently— [to Callidorus, who is pressing him.]


Cal.
Before he's gone—

Bal.
What hindrance now?
Do you saunter now?— [to the Boy.


Pseu.
You, born to-day! you, born to-day!
'Tis you I call; you born to-day, look on us—
Whatever business you're about, we stay you.
Stop—There are those who fain would speak with you.

Bal.
What is the matter? Who is't stops me thus,
When I have business?

Cal.
One who has been your friend.

Bal.
Your has been friend is dead—The man that is,
He is your living friend—

Pseu.
You are too saucy.

Bal.
You, too impertinent—

Cal.
Lay hold on him:
O'ertake him—

Bal.
On boy—

Pseu.
This way let us meet him.

Bal.
Confound thee, whosoe'er thou art!

Pseu.
And thee!—

Bal.
And both of you, say I!—Turn this way, boy—

Pseu.
Must I not speak to you?

Bal.
When I please, you may.

Pseu.
Suppose 'tis for your interest?

Bal.
You may.
Have I your leave to live, or have I not?

Pseu.
Psha! stop—

Bal.
Nay, let me go—

Cal.
But, Ballio, hear—

Bal.
I'm deaf; you talk but nonsense—

Cal.
When I had
To give, I gave—

Bal.
What's given I ask not for—

Cal.
And when I have it, I will give again.

Bal.
When that's the case, why take away your mistress.

Cal.
Alas! How ill my money's been bestow'd,
How ill my presents!

Bal.
Now your money's gone,
You give me words—Fool that you are, your cause
Is tried already—

Pseu.
Ay, but know at least,
Who 'tis that speaks to you.—

Bal.
Full well I know
Who once he was—Who he is now, is best
Known to himself.—On, boy—

Pseu.
What! not one look,
When 'tis your interest—

Bal.
At that price, I will.
For were I to high Jove to sacrifice;
The entrails in my hand, ready to lay
Upon the altar, shew one glimpse of interest,
With joy I'd quit the unfinish'd ceremony.

Pseu.
This fellow's not to be attack'd with piety,
As others are—As to the gods, whom all
Ought highly to revere, he values not
A rush—

Bal.
I'll speak to him—Good day to you!
Of all Athenian slaves, the very vilest.

[to Pseu.
Pseu.
The gods and goddesses protect you, Ballio!
It is his wish and mine—Or, if unworthy,
May they ne'er be propitious, nor protect you!

Bal.
How fare you, Callidorus?

Pseu.
Why, he fares
As well as love and poverty will let him.

Bal.
If pity would maintain my family,
I'd pity him—

Pseu.
We know you well enough,
No need proclaim yourself—But know you, Ballio,
What we would with you?

Bal.
I can guess—No good—

Pseu.
Attend to this, and what we call'd you back for.

Bal.
Well, I attend—But be as brief as may be,
For I am busy—

Pseu.
My young master here,
Is quite asham'd he has not perform'd his promise:
And paid you at the time he had appointed,
The twenty minæ also for his mistress.

Bal.
What we're asham'd of, with more ease we bear
Than what we're vex'd at.—The young man's asham'd
He has not paid the money—And I'm vex'd
I've not receiv'd it—

Pseu.
He'll procure and pay it:
Wait a few days.—He only fears you'll sell her,
Upon this disappointment.

Bal.
Had he chose it,
He might have paid it to me long ago—

Cal.
What if I had it not?—

Bal.
Why, was you not
In love?—You should have gone and borrow'd it—
Have given interest for it to a banker—
Or robb'd your father of it—

Pseu.
Shameless rascal!
What! robb'd his father?—There's not any fear
You'll put him in an honest way of doing it.

Bal.
That is not pandar like—

Cal.
Is't like I should
Steal from my father: from a man so cautious.
And if I could, duty forbids the crime.

Bal.
I hear you—Take your duty to your arms
This night, instead of your Phœnicium.
But since your duty's to your love prefer'd,
Is every man your father?—Can't you borrow
Of some one else—

Cal.
The term is obsolete.

Bal.
They who insist upon their own, yet pay not
The money that they owe, and leave the table,
When they have had sufficient, then men learn
Caution from others never to lend money.

Cal.
Most wretched am I! I shall ne'er procure
Some money: I'm as much undone by love,
As want of cash—

Bal.
Why then, buy oyl on trust,
And sell for ready money—By this means,
You easily will raise two hundred minæ.

Cal.
The quina-vicinarian law there ruins me—
All fear to trust me—

Bal.
That same law binds me.
I am afraid to trust—

Pseu.
Afraid to trust?—
Repent you then the profit you've made of him?

Bal.
He's no true lover, who desists from giving—
Give to the last—And when he has nothing left,
Then let him cease to love—

Cal.
No spark of pity!

Bal.
You're empty handed—Speeches make no chink.
I wish you, Sir, however, health and life—

Pseu.
What! is he dead then?

Bal.
In some sort he is—
He's with these speeches really dead to me.
When his procurer's pleas'd, a lover lives.
Be your complaint to me, a monied one.
For this same want of cash, which you lament
So deeply, tell your story to your step-mother.

Pseu.
Say, was you ever married to his father?

Bal.
From such a thing as that, defend me, gods!

Pseu.
I prithee, Ballio, do what we request,
And, if you will not trust him, on my faith,
Both sea and land I'll ransack, but I'll pay
The money in three days—

Bal.
Trust you!—

Pseu.
Why not?

Bal.
Because I look upon the trusting you
Like tying up a dog with chitterlings,
That's like to run away—

Cal.
And do you thus
Requite the favours I have done to you?

Bal.
What would you with me now?

Cal.
Only to wait
Six days before you sell the girl, and be
The death of him who loves her—

Bal.
Courage then,
Even six months I'll wait.

Cal.
Well said, a clever fellow!

Bal.
Shall I then make you, happy as you are,
Still happier?

Cal.
How is that?

Bal.
Because I've now
Got no Phœnicium to sell to you.

Cal.
Not have her?

Bal.
Not I, truly.

Cal.
Hither Pseudolus,
The victims bring, the offerings and the priests,
That I may sacrifice to this high Jove,
A greater Jove to me, than Jove himself.

Bal.
I want no victims, give me but the entrails.

Cal.
Why this delay?—Hasten and bring the lambs—
Hear you not Jove here?—

Pseu.
I'll be here this instant.
I will but run without the Metian gate—

Cal.
Why thither?

Pseu.
But to bring two executioners
With carts; fit priests for him—With them, two flocks
Of elm twigs—to appease this Jove of ours—
I'll to gibbet send this pandaring Jupiter.

Bal.
'Tis not for your advantage, I should die.

Pseu.
Your reason?

Bal.
This—If I were dead, you'd find
No greater rogue in Athens than yourself.

Pseu.
Nor is't for your advantage I should die.

Bal.
Your reason—

Pseu.
This—If I were dead, you'd find
No greater rogue in Athens than yourself—

Cal.
But tell me, Ballio, in good earnest tell me,
Have you not my Phœnicium now to sell?

Bal.
By Pollux' temple! no—I have her not—
I sold her some time since—

Cal.
And how?

Bal.
Why stripp'd
Of all appertinences—but her purtenance.

Cal.
What! sold my love!

Bal.
And well: for twenty minæ.

Cal.
For twenty minæ?

Bal.
If you like it better,
For four times five—To a Macedonian captain;
And have fifteen in hand—

Cal.
What do I hear of you?

Bal.
Hear!—That your love is turn'd to ready money.

Cal.
How durst you?—

Cal.
'Twas my pleasure—she was mine.

Cal.
Ho! Pseudolus! go bring a sword—

Pseu.
For what!

Cal.
To kill that rascal first, and then myself.

Pseu.
Rather yourself—As for that rascal there,
Famine will be his executioner.

Cal.
Most perjur'd villain, that the earth e'er swallow'd,
Did you not swear you'd sell her but to me?

Bal.
I own it—

Cal.
Ay, and on your conscience too.

Bal.
Ay, on my conscience.

Cal.
You are perjur'd then,
You villain—

Bal.
I have got the money tho',
And wicked I, may broach it at my pleasure—
While you, a good and pious son, have nothing.

Cal.
Assist me, Pseudolus, on either side,
To load this rascal here with maledictions.

Pseu.
With all my heart—Nor would I to the Prætor
More swiftly run, was he to make me free.

Cal.
Load him with curses in abundance then.

Pseu.
I'll publish him to all the world—Thou lack-shame!

Bal.
Most true.

Pseu.
Thou rascal!—

Bal.
True.

Pseu.
Thou whipping-post!

Bal.
Why not?

Cal.
Thou robber of the dead!

Bal.
For certain.

Cal.
Jail-bird!

Bal.
Well done—

Cal.
Faithless!

Bal.
O, that's my trade.

Pseu.
Parricide!

Bal.
On—

Pseu.
Robber of holy places!

Bal.
I own it—

Cal.
Perjur'd!

Bal.
An old story that.

Cal.
A law-breaker!

Bal.
A strong one—

Pseu.
Pest of youth!

Bal.
O, much so—

Cal.
Thief!

Bal.
Ay, wonderful, indeed!

Pseu.
Thou vagabond!

Bal.
Pshà! Pshà!

Cal.
Thou common cheat!

Bal.
Most plainly so—

Pseu.
Deceitful!—

Cal.
Filthy bawd—

Pseu.
Scum of the earth!

Bal.
Fine singers, both of you!

Cal.
You beat your father and your mother—

Bal.
Nay,
Kill'd them too, rather than give them food—
Is that a crime?

Pseu.
No more: for all we say
Is just like pouring water in a sieve.
Our labour's all in vain.

Bal.
Have you ought else
To charge me with?

Cal.
Are you asham'd of nothing?

Bal.
To have found a lover empty as a nut-shell.
But tho' you have bestow'd hard names upon me;
Curses in plenty too; unless the captain
Bring the five minæ which he owes to me,
(This is the very day he was to pay it)
If he comes not, I think I'll do my duty—

Cal.
And what is that?

Bal.
Why, if you bring the money,
I'll break my faith with him—This is my duty—
So, if 'tis worth my while, we'll have more talk—
But without money, 'tis in vain to prate
Of pity—This I am determin'd—So
You may consult what 'tis you have to do—

Cal.
What, are you going?

Bal.
I am full of business.

Pseu.
E'er long you will be more so—He's my man:
[Exit Ballio.
And now, if gods and men do not desert me,
I'll bone him, in like manner as a cook
Will bone a lamprey—But now, Calidorus,
I'd have you mind me—

Cal.
What are your commands?

Pseu.
I'd raise a battery 'gainst this town, to take it
This day: and for that purpose, I must have
Some artful, knowing, clever, cunning fellow,
One who'd dispatch the business, and ne'er think
Of sleeping o'er it—

Cal.
Tell me your design.

Pseu.
You'll know in time—I love not repetitions
Of the same things.—That way are stories made
Too long.

Cal.
Your plea's indeed most right and just.

Pseu.
Make hast; and quickly hither bring the man.
For out of many men, we find but few,
Who are staunch friends—

Cal.
'Tis what I know full well.

Pseu.
Hast then, and make your choice; and out of many,
Pick one that shall be so.

Cal.
He shall be here
This instant—

Pseu.
Hence—You lose your time in talk.

[Exit Calidorus.