University of Virginia Library

ACT II.

SCENE I.

Enter APŒCIDES and PERIPHANES.
APŒCIDES.
It is the way with most men: they're asham'd
Without occasion: when they should be so,
Then shame deserts them. Such a man are you.
What need you be asham'd to take for wife
One of good family, though her state be mean?
The less, since, as you say, you have at home,
A daughter by her—

Per.
I respect my son.

Apoe.
In troth I thought, your shame was on account
Of your last wife; whose grave you never see,
But straight you make a sacrifice to Pluto—
Nor without reason, since you had the luck
To outlive the vixen!

Per.
O, while she was with me,
I was an Hercules; and his sixth labour
Was not more hard than that which I endur'd.

Per.
Money's the best endowment.—Come—

Apoe.
I grant you,
Could one but have it snug, without the wife.

SCENE II.

Enter EPIDICUS, [crossing the stage to the door of Chæribulus's house.
Epi.
Hist! silence! be of good heart: Out I go
[speaking to Stratippocles and Chæribulus within.]
With most auspicious omen.—I have somewhat here,
[pointing to his head.]
Sharp as a knife, with which I will embowel
The old man's purse.—But lo! I see him at
Apœcides's door—Both the old fellows
Just as I wanted. Now will I convert me
Into a leach, and suck their very blood out.
These pillars of the senate!

Apoe.
[to Periphanes]
Marry him
Forthwith.

Per.
I like your counsel.

Apoe.
For I've heard
His heart is fix'd upon a musick-girl,
I know not whom.

Per.
That, that is torture to me.

Epi.
[aside.]
I'm help'd, promoted, lov'd by all the gods!
These Dons here ope themselves a passage for me
To trick them fairly of their money.—Come,
Attire thy self, and o'er thy shoulders throw
Thy cloak, Epidicus: and so pretend
Thou hast been searching him thro' all the town.
About it straight. [aloud.]
Good gods! would I could find
Periphanes at home! I'm tir'd to death
In looking for him the whole city over.
At all the bankers, shambles, and perfumers,
At 'pothecaries, and at barbers shops,
The wrestling place, the forum,—I am hoarse
With asking for him, and could hardly keep
My legs, I made such speed.—

Per.
Epidicus!

Epi.
Who calls Epidicus?

Per.
I am Periphanes.

Apoe.
I am Apoecides.

Epi.
And I'm Epidicus—
Oh! master! I am glad I see you both;
You're come most opportunely.

Per.
What's the matter?

Epi.
Stay, prithee let me breath.

Per.
Well, rest yourself.

Epi.
I'm sick at heart—let me recover breath.

Per.
Keep yourself still.

Epi.
Now mind me.—All the troops
Order'd to Thebes have been remanded home.

Apoe.
Who knows it to be so?

Epi.
I say, 'tis so.

Per.
You know?

Epi.
I know it.

Per.
How d'you know?

Epi.
Because
I saw the soldiers march along the streets
In shoals with their accoutrements and baggage.

Per.
That's excellent!

Epi.
Then what a croud of captives
They bring with them: boys, girls, some two, some three,
And others five a-piece: the streets are throng'd,
Each person looking out to find his son.

Per.
A brave exploit, by Hercules!

Epi.
The tribe
Of courtezans, scarce one left in the town,
Appear'd in all their finery, to meet
Their lovers, eagerly to run to them—
And what I chiefly minded, many of them
Had nets beneath their garments. At the port
When I arriv'd, and saw her waiting there,
And four musicians with her—

Per.
Her? with whom?

Epi.
Her whom your son has so much been in love with
These many years, is dying for; with whom
He's in fair way, to ruin his estate,
His honour, nay himself and you. 'Tis true.
Why, she was waiting for him at the port.

Per.
See the inchantress!

Epi.
She was dress'd! all o'er
Bedaub'd with gold, so modish, smart and new—

Per.
How was she dress'd, then, say? Had she a train
Sweeping the ground behind her as she walk'd,
Just like a princess in a tragedy.
Or was't a robe, perhaps a sack; they have
Different attire, and known by all these names.

Epi.
A woman bear a sack upon her back!
That's like a porter?

Per.
Well, and where's the wonder?
There's many bear large farms upon their backs,
And make it easy to them. Their gallants,
When taxes become due, and are demanded,
Have not wherewith to pay them; and yet find
Enough to pamper their extravagance;
A larger tax by far. And then what names!
New ones each year, by which to call their garments!
Your stiffen'd gown, your gown without a lining,
White linnen gown, embroider'd upper gown,
Your night-gown too, your gown of saffron colour,
Your gown of marygold! and then your petticoats!
Your upper, and your under petticoat,
Your hood, your royal or your foreign robe,
Your robe sky-colour'd, or stuck o'er with feathers,
Your yellow, or your apple-blossom robe!
Trifles indeed! They've too, transparent gowns,
To these they give like names they give their dogs.

Epi.
How! dogs!

Per.
Yes, dogs; they call them their Laconicks.
Just as they call their dogs from Lacedæmon.
These names breed auctions—Their gallants must feed them.—
But on now with your tale.

Epi.
Two other women
I heard behind me, talking to each other
Something to this effect: when I, us'd so to do,
Drew back a little way, and made as if
I took no note at all of what they said.
'Tis true, I heard not every word; but yet
I heard enough, to let me fairly into
The drift they aim'd at.—

Per.
That's what I would know.

Epi.
Said one to t'other—

Per.
What?

Epi.
Be silent! Peace—
You'll hear it all.—Soon as they'd cast their eyes
Upon the girl, that your son loves, says one,
What luck that creature's had, to meet a man,
Who loves her so, that he will set her free!
Who's he? says t'other—then she nam'd Stratippocles,
Periphanes' son—

Pal.
You're broad awake.

Phæ.
I sleep as I was wont—This is my sleep.

Pal.
Let me then tell you, 'tis imprudence, Lady,
To treat him ill, who has not deserv'd it of you.

Pla.
You would be angry, if when you're at supper
He were to drive you from it—

Pal.
All is over:
They both love to distraction, both are mad.
See, how they hug! They'll never have enough.
Won't you part yet?

Pla.
No blessing lasts for ever—
That plague is ever to our pleasure join'd.

[looking angrily at Palinurus.
Pal.
What say you, baggage—What, you little toss-pot,
With those grey eyes, that see best in the dark;
Trifler, am I your plague?

Phæ.
A slave! abuse
My Venus here! A beaten drudge to talk
To me! But you shall sore repent your prate.
Come here—take that for your abuse. [strikes him.]
Now try,
If you can hold your tongue.

Pal.
Assist me now,
Night-watching Venus!

Phæ.
What! persist, you rascal?

Pla.
Desist, my love—'Tis striking at a stone.
Bruise not your hand against it then—

Pal.
Why, Phædromus,
In a flagitious and a shameful act
You bear her out. The man that gives you counsel
You beat; and her you love. 'Tis trifling all.
Is't right to assume the manners of the stews?

Phæ.
I bet my gold against your modest lover:
Here, take my purse.

Pal.
No, rather give me copper,
So I may serve a master in his senses.

Pla.
Adieu! my dear. I hear the noise and creak
Of doors: The priest is opening the temple.

Epi.
Well—I saw one just come from him,
Who told me, he'd be here to morrow morning.

Per.
Go on then, tell us what we've next to do?

Epi.
Why this; pretend you gave this girl her freedom,
Of your mere will, as loving her yourself.—

Per.
What good will come of that?

Epi.
What good?
You'll purchase her before your son comes back,
And say, your reason was, to make her free.

Per.
I understand you.

Epi.
And, the purchase made,
You'll pack her off, some distance from the town;
Unless you've wiser thought—

Per.
I think, you're right.

Epi.
And what think you? [to Apœcides.]


Apoe.
Why, what else should I think?
An excellent contrivance, this you've thought of.

Epi.
Thus you'll defeat your son's whole scheme of marrying her,
And render him obedient to your will.

Apoe.
Thou art a cunning fellow, and I like thee.

Epi.
[to Periphanes.]
What then you have to do, do quickly, Sir.

Per.
By Hercules! the very thing.

Epi.
I've hit on
A scheme too, that you'll never be suspected
To be the party.

Per.
Let us hear.

Epi.
You shall—
Attend then.

Apoe.
[aside.]
'Tis the cunning'st of all fellows.

Epi.
We want a trusty person, to convey
The money for this musick girl; 'twill not
Look well, to have you seen in it yourself.

Per.
Why?—

Epi.
Lest the merchant think 'tis for your son.

Per.
That's right—

Epi.
By which you'll keep her off, and hinder
All mischief which might rise from that suspicion—

Per.
Whom shall we find so fit—

Epi.
Why, who more fit
Than this your friend here? [meaning Apœcides.]
He can take good care,
All's right and regular.—He knows the law.—

Per.
You have my thanks, Epidicus.

Epi.
But I
Must lose no time—I'll first go meet the merchant,
Carry the money with this gentleman,
And bring the girl along with me.

Per.
But say,
What is the lowest price he'll fell her at.

Epi.
Perhaps you'll get her for—for forty minæ,
But if you give me more, I shall return it:
You can't suspect a trick in't. And I'm sure,
You'll have your money back within ten days.

Per.
How so?

Epi.
Why, there's another spark in love with her,
One plaguy rich, a great and famous captain,
A Rhodian, one that's become rich by plunder—
A braggard: he will take her off your hands,
And without scruple, pay you down the money.
Hold but your peace, you'll be a gainer by it.—

Per.
Pray heaven, I may!—

Epi.
'Twill doubtless be the case.

Apoe.
Go in then, Sir, and bring me out the money.
I'll to the Forum. You, Epidicus,
Be sure, come to me there.

Epi.
Do you be sure,
You stay there 'till I come.

Apoe.
I'll stay there for you.
[Exit Apœcides.

Per.
[to Epidicus.]
Follow me in.

Epi.
Go, and count out your money.
You shall not wait for me, I'll warrant you—

[Exit Periphanes.
EPIDICUS
alone.
I do not think, that in all Attick land,
There can be found a piece of ground so fertile
As our Periphanes. Tho' lock'd and seal'd,
I shake his box, and rook him as I please.
Should the old fellow find me out, I fear,
He'd turn his elm twigs into parasites,
Who'll lick me to the bone.—But one thing puzzles me,
What hired girl to shew Apœcides—
That too I've hit on—For this very morning
Th'old man bid me bring him home a musick-girl
To sing, while he perform'd his sacrifice.
One shall be hir'd, and instructed well
How to behave in carrying on the cheat—
I'll in, and take the money of the gull.

[Exit after Periphanes.