University of Virginia Library

ACT III.

SCENE I.

Enter DÆMONES.
How many ways the Gods make sport of men!
How strangely do they fool us in our dreams!
Even in sleep they will not let us rest.
As for example, I myself last night
Dreamt a most strange and an unheard of dream.
Methought an ape made an attempt to climb
Up to a swallow's nest, nor could he take
The young ones out; on which he came to me,
And ask'd me for a ladder: I replied,
That swallows sprang from Philomel and Progne,
And charg'd him not to hurt my country folks.
At this the ape grew much enrag'd, and seem'd
To threaten me with vengeance, summon'd me
Before a judge: at last, I know not how,
Highly provok'd, I caught him by the middle,
And clapt the mischievous vile beast in chains.
I have in vain endeavour'd to find out
The meaning of this dream.—But hark! what noise
Is that I hear in the adjoining Temple?
I am amaz'd, and marvel what it means.

SCENE II.

Enter TRACHALIO from the Temple, hastily.
Help, help, Cyrenians, I implore your help,
Good countrymen, friends, neighbours; lend your aid
To impotent distress, and crush at once
This worst of villainies: let not the power
Of wicked men oppress the innocent,
Who glory not in crimes: let punishment
Wait on bold vice, reward on modest virtue:
O let us live by law, and not oppression!
Run, run into the temple: I again
Implore your help, all that are near me, all
That hear my cry! O haste to bring them succour,
Who (as allow'd by custom) have here fled
To Venus and her Priestess for protection.—
Break, break the neck of this vile injury,
Ere it may reach yourselves.

Dæm.
Now what's the matter?

Trach.
O good old gentleman, whoe'er you are,
I do besecch you by these knees,—

Dæm.
Nay prithee
Let go my knees, and tell me, what's the matter?
What mean you by this uproar?

Trach.
I beseech you,
As you would hope a fair and prosperous vintage,
As you would make your exportations safe
To Capua, as you wish to keep your eye-sight
Clear and exempt from running,—

Dæm.
Are you mad?

Trach.
As you expect, I say, a plenteous crop,
Be not averse to hear what I request.

Dæm.
And I beseech you by your legs and back,
As you would hope a fair and prosperous whipping,
As you expect a plenteous crop of lashes,
Inform me, what's the matter? whence this uproar?

Trach.
Why do you speak me ill? I wish'd you good.

Dæm.
I do not speak you ill in wishing you
What you deserve.

Trach.
Pray mind me.

Dæm.
What's the matter?

Trach.
Two innocent young damsels in the Temple
Need your assistance: they are basely us'd
'Gainst law and justice; the poor Priestess too
Is treated most unworthily.

Dæm.
Who dares
Do violence to the priestess?—But these girls,
Who are they? how are they abus'd?

Trach.
I'll tell you,
If you'll attend.—They now embrace the statue,
Which a vile rogue would drag them from by force,
Though they are both born free.

Dæm.
What is the fellow,
That pays so little reverence to the Gods?

Trach.
A cheat, a profligate, a parricide,
A perjur'd, lawless villain: in one word,
He's a Procurer: I need say no more.

Dæm.
You've said enough to prove he deserves hanging.

Trach.
A rascal!—had the insolence to take
The Priestess by the throat.

Dæm.
And he shall pay for't.
Turbalio! Sparax! ho, come forth! where are you?

Trach.
Pray, sir, go in, and take their part.

Dæm.
I warrant you.
I need not call twice: they'll be here directly.
[Turbalio and Sparax enter.]
Come, follow me.

[Goes with his servants into the Temple.]
Trach.
Bid them to tear his eyes out.

Dæm.
(within)
Seize him, drag him along with his feet foremost,
Like a stuck pig.

Trach.
(listening)
I hear a rout within.
They're currying him, I fancy, with their fists:
I wish they'd knock his teeth out, a vile rascal!
But see, here come the damsels sadly frighten'd.

SCENE III.

PALÆSTRA and AMPELISCA appear in the Temple Court.
PALÆSTRA.
Now are we destitute of ev'ry power,
Of ev'ry succour and defence, no hope
Of safety left us, neither do we know
Which way to turn, or whither to betake us.
Dire apprehensions compass us around,
Such outrage have we suffer'd here within
From the base rogue our master, who most rudely
Push'd down the good old priestess, treated her
With the most vile indignities, and drag'd us
With violence from the statue.—Seeing then
Our state is desperate, it were best to die.
Death is the only refuge in affliction.

Trach.
What do I hear? what sad complaints are these?
Why don't I go and comfort them?—Palæstra!

Pal.
Who calls there?

Trach.
Ampelisca!

Amp.
Ha! who's that?

Pal.
Who is it call us?

Trach.
Turn, and you will know.

Pal.
(turning)
O my best hopes of safety!

Trach.
No more wailings:
Be of good heart: have faith in me.

Pal.
If possible,
O save and shelter us from impious violence,
Lest it should force me to do violence
To my own self.

Trach.
No more:—you are a fool.

Amp.
Seek not to comfort us with words alone.

Pal.
Except you find a real safe-guard for us,
We are undone; and I'm resolv'd to die
Sooner than fall into this villain's power.
Yet have I but a woman's heart; for when
I think on death, I tremble.

Trach.
Though your case
Is hard, have a good heart.

Pa.
Where shall I find it?

Trach.
Don't be dismay'd, sit down here by this altar.

Pal.
What can this altar now avail us more
Than did the statue, which we late embrac'd,
'Till drag'd from it by force?

Trach.
Do but sit down,
I'll guard you: let this altar be your fortress,
I will defend the works: with Venus' help
I'll stand against th'attacks of this Procurer.

Pal.
We'll follow your instructions.—
(The Women advance towards the Altar, and kneel.)
—Gentle Venus!
Thus lowly on our knees, and bath'd in tears,
Embracing this your altar, we beseech you,
Guard and receive us into your protection:
Avenge you on those miscreants, who dare slight
Your Temple, and permit us to approach
Your altar, who last night by Neptune's power
Were cast away: O hold us not in scorn,
Nor think it done amiss, that thus we come
Less seemingly accoutred than we ought.

Trach.
They ask but what is right, and you should grant it:
You must forgive them: their sad apprehensions
Force them to what they do. Yourself, they say,
Sprung from the ocean, slight not then these outcasts.
But the old gentleman, our common friend,
Comes opportunely here from out the Temple.

SCENE IV.

Enter DÆMONES, dragging LABRAX.
Come forth, thou worst of sacrilegious villains.
(To the women)
You, seat you by the altar there.—Where are they?
Where are my slaves?

Trach.
Look, here they are.

Dæm.
That's well.

A Servant.
We'd fain be at him: bid him but come near.

Dæm.
(To Labrax, who is going towards the Altar.)
How, rascal! wou'd you sacrifice with us?
(To the Servants)
Lay your fists on him. (They beat him.)


Lab.
I must bear your wrongs,
But you shall pay for't.

Dæm.
Does he dare to threaten?

Lab.
You rob me of my right; you take away
My girls in spite of me.

Trach.
Make your appeal
To any of the great ones of the senate;
And let him try the cause, whether they're your's,
Or else born free; and whether too your knaveship
Should not be clapt in prison, there to lye
Till you have worn it out.

Lab.
I have no business
To talk with this hang-gallows slave.—
(speaking to Dæmones.)
'Tis you,
That I must try the cause with.

Dæm.
First of all
Try it with him, who is no stranger to you.

Lab.
My suit's with you.

Trach.
Your suit must be with me.
Are these your property?

Lab.
They are.

Trach.
Come on then,
Do but touch either with your little finger.

Lab.
What if I do?

Trach.
I'll make a foot-ball of you,
Swing you about in air, and with my fists
Bandy you to and fro, you perjur'd villain!

Lab.
May I not take my own girls from the altar?

Dæm.
You may not; that's our law.

Lab.
I've no concern,
Nothing to do, no business with your laws:
I'll take them both away.—Lookye, old gentleman,
If you've a liking to them, you must down
With the hard money.

Dæm.
Venus does approve them.

Lab.
And she may have them, if she'll pay the money.

Dæm.
I'll pay the money! Now then know my mind:
If you dare offer them the smallest violence,
Though but in jest, I'll give you such a dressing,
You will not know yourself.—
(To his Servants)
And you, ye rascals,
If, when I give the signal, you don't tear
His eyes out of his head, I'll have you bound
With rods lash'd round you; like those sprigs of myrtle.

Lab.
Nay, this is violence.

Trach.
You burning shame!
What, do you talk of violence?

Lab.
You knave,
You gallows rogue, how dare you to abuse me?

Trach.
Well, let me be a rogue, and you forsooth
A man of strictest honesty,—these girls,
Are they a whit less free?

Lab.
Free, say you?

Trach.
Yes,
And are your mistresses; both born in Greece;
One an Athenian, sprung from gentle parents.

Dæm.
What do I hear you say?

Trach.
That she is free;
Was born at Athens.

Dæm.
How! my countrywoman?

Trach.
What! are not you, Sir, a Cyrenian?

Dæm.
No:
In Greece, at Athens, I was born and bred.

Trach.
I pray you then, defend your countrywomen.

Dæm.
(Aside)
O my dear daughter!—when I look on Her,
The want of you reminds me of my troubles.—
I lost her when but three years old, and now,
If she yet live, her size must be the same.

Labr.
I bought them both, paid down the money for them
To him, that own'd them.—What is it to me,
If they were born at Athens or at Thebes,
So they are properly my slaves?

Trach.
Thou impudence,
Thou cat o'mountain, thou vile girl-catcher,
Would'st kidnap free-born children from their parents,
And then employ them in thy filthy trade?—
This other here, what country she is of
I know not, but I know she's worthier
Than you, you filthy knave!

Labr.
Do you say true?

Trach.
Nay, let our backs be vouchers for our truth,
And if you have not offerings on your back
More than a first-rate ship has nails, I'm then
The veriest lyar upon earth. When your's
I have inspected, look at mine; you'll find it
Tight and without a crack in't, that there's never
A leathern-bottle-maker but will say,
My hide is whole, and fitting for his purpose.
Why don't I give the rogue his belly-full
Of stripes?—Why stare so at them?—If you touch them,
I'll tear your eyes out.

Labr.
Now, because you'd hinder me,
I'll take them both away.

Dæm.
What will you do?

Labr.
Fetch Vulcan; he's an enemy to Venus.

(Goes towards Dæmones's door.)
Dæm.
Where is he going?

Labr.
(Calling at Dæmones's door)
Hola! who's within here?

Dæm.
If you but touch the threshold of that door,
A plenteous crop of blows shall be your portion.

A Servant.
We have no fire; we live upon dried figs.

Dæm.
I'll give you fire, provided I may kindle it
Upon your head.

Labr.
Faith, I'll procure it somewhere.

Dæm.
What will you do then?

Labr.
Kindle a large fire.

Dæm.
To burn yourself.

Labr.
To burn them both alive
Here at the altar.

Dæm.
I would fain see that.—
By heav'ns I'll catch you by the beard, and throw you
Into the fire, then hang you up half-roasted
For birds to peck at.— (Aside)
Now I think on't, this
Must be the ape I dreamt of, who would needs
Have taken these young swallows from their nests
Spite of my teeth.

Trach.
I do beseech you, Sir,
Defend these maidens, while I fetch my master.

Dæm.
Go then.

Trach.
And let him not—

Dæm.
'Tis at his peril,
If he dare touch them once, or e'en attempt it.

Trach.
You will take care.

Dæm.
I will take care.—Be gone.

Trach.
And guard Him too; see that he don't get off:
For we have promis'd to deliver him
Up to the hangman's hands, or pay a talent.

[Exit Trachalio.

SCENE V.

DÆMONES, LABRAX, PALÆSTRA, AMPELISCA, and SERVANTS.
DÆMONES,
(to LABRAX.)
Which do you chuse? to stay here quietly
Without a drubbing, or be forc'd to't with one?

Labr.
Your words I value not a fig, old gentleman.
I'll drag them from the altar by the hair
In spite of You, of Venus, or of Jove.

Dæm.
Do, touch them.

Labr.
(Going towards them.)
That I will, by heav'ns.

Dæm.
Come on then.
Do but step hither.

Labr.
Bid those fellows then
Move off.

Dæm.
Nay, nay, they shall move up towards you.

Labr.
I would not have them.

Dæm.
Why? What will you do,
If they advance still nearer?

Labr.
I'll retire.
But hearkye me, old grey-beard;—if I ever
Should chance to light upon you in the city,
Let me foreswear the name of pimp for aye,
But I will make most precious sport with you.

Dæm.
Do what you menace when you please: mean time
If now you touch them, you shall pay for't hugely.

Labr.
How! hugely?

Dæm.
Aye, as such a pimp deserves.

Labr.
I value not your threats, but I will seize them
Spite of your teeth.

Dæm.
Do, touch them, if you dare.

Labr.
Faith, that I will.

Dæm.
Do then, you know the consequence.
Turbalio, run with all your speed, and bring
Two cudgels.

Labr.
Cudgels?

Dæm.
Stout ones let them be:
Make haste.
[Turbalio goes in.]
(To Labrax)
I'll give you a reception, such
As you deserve, you rascal!

Labr.
(Aside)
Woe is me!
That I have left my head-piece in the ship!
Now, if I had it, it would be of service.—
(To Dæm.)
May I not speak to them at least?

Dæm.
You may not.
[Turbalio enters, bearing two cudgels.]
Oh, here he comes, the fellow with his cudgels.

Lab.
These are design'd for musick, and they cause
A most melodious tinkling in the ears.

Dæm.
Here, Labrax, do you take that other cudgel:
One of you stand on this side, and the other
On that side of the altar.—Mind me now.—
If he but lay a finger on these girls
Against their inclination, woe be to you,
If you don't briskly ply him with your cudgels,
'Till, like a drunkard, he shall scarce be able
To find his way home.—If he speaks to any one,
You answer in their stead; and if he offers
To run away, strait hamper him, by making
Your cudgels serve as fetters for his legs.

Lab.
What! won't they let me go about my business?

Dæm.
I've said enough.—When that the servant comes,
Who went to fetch his master, then go home.—
See that you carefully observe my orders.

[Exit Dæ mones.

SCENE VI.

LABRAX, and SERVANTS. The two Women, as before.
LABRAX,
walking on one Side.
Hey-day! the Temple's on a sudden chang'd
From Venus's to that of Hercules:
For the old gentleman has planted here
Two figures with their clubs.—Now for my life
I know not where to take me;—sea and land
Are both conspir'd against me.—O Palæstra!

Serv.
What would you?

Lab.
Hold! we're at cross purposes:
This is not My Palæstra, that has answer'd.
Ho Ampelisca!

Serv.
'Ware thee of mishap.

Lab.
These fellows give me good advice, however.
But tell me, ho! will there be any harm,
If I come nearer them?

Serv.
No harm to us.

Lab.
Will there be any harm to me?

Serv.
No, none,
If you beware.

Lab.
Of what must I beware?

Serv.
An hearty drubbing.

Lab.
I beseech you now,
Permit me to depart.

Serv.
Go, If you will.

Lab.
Very obliging this: I give you thanks:
No, I'll draw nearer rather to my girls.

Serv.
Stay where you are.

Lab.
'Fore heaven my affairs
Are in a piteous plight.—But I'm resolv'd
To lay close siege, and force them to surrender.

SCENE VII.

Enter PLEUSIDIPPUS and TRACHALIO, talking, at a Distance.
What! would the rascal drag her off perforce,
By violence from the altar?

Trach.
Even so.

Pleu.
Did you not kill the villain on the spot?

Trach.
There was no sword at hand.

Pleu.
You should have taken
A club or stone.

Trach.
Shou'd I have ston'd the fellow?
Have ston'd him like a dog?

Pleu.
Yes, such a villain.

Lab.
(seeing them)
Now I'm undone indeed.—Here's Pleusidippus:
He'll brush my jacket for me;—aye, he'll give me
A thorough dusting.

Pleu.
Were the damsels sitting
Then by the altar, when you went for me?

Trach.
Yes, and are sitting now there.

Pleu.
Who protects them?

Trach.
A good old gentleman, I know not who,
Who lives close by the temple: he has been
Of special use, and of most rare assistance.
He and his servants now protect and guard them:
I gave them to their charge.

Pleu.
Conduct me strait
To the Procurer: shew me, where's the villain?

[They advance.]
Lab.
(to Pleus.)
Good morrow.

Pleu.
Hang good-morrow: take your choice
This instant, whether you'd be carried gently
Before a judge, or drag'd there by the throat.
Chuse which you will, while 'tis allow'd you.

Labr.
Neither.

Pleu.
Trachalio, run with speed to the sea-side,
And bid the friends I brought along with me
To meet me forthwith at the city-gate,
That they may help to drag this knave to prison:
That done, come back again, and guard these damsels.

[Exit Trachalio.

SCENE VIII.

PLEUSIDIPPUS, LABRAX, SERVANTS, and the WOMEN as before.
PLEUSIDIPPUS.
Yes, I will bear this rascal run-away
Before a judge.—Come, come before the judge.

Lab.
What is my crime?

Pleu.
Crime, ask you?—Did you not
Take earnest of me for this damsel here,
Then bore her off?

Lab.
I did not bear her off.

Pleu.
Will you deny it?

Lab.
Yes, because I only
Bore her on board; I could not bear her off,
The more is my mishap.—Did I not say,
That you should find me here at Venus' temple?
Wherein then have I falsified my word?
Am I not here?

Pleu.
Nay, you shall plead your cause
Before the magistrate: I'll hear no more.—
Come, come along. (Lays hold of him.)


Lab.
(calling)
Help! help!—Dear Charmides!
I am laid hold of, drag'd here by the throat.

SCENE IX.

Enter CHARMIDES from the Temple.
Who calls me by my name?

Lab.
Dost thou not see
How I am drag'd?

Charm.
I see it, and look on
With pleasure.

Lab.
Wilt not come to my assistance?

Charm.
Who has got hold of thee?

Lab.
Young Pleusidippus.

Charm.
Bear thy mishap with patience: thou hadst better
Slink quietly to jail: why thou hast got
What most men wish for.

Lab.
What is that?

Charm.
To find
What they are seeking.

Lab.
Prithee bear me company.

Charm.
Troth thy request is like thee: thou art drag'd
To jail, and thou would'st have me bear thee company.
What! hanging back?

Lab.
O I'm undone for ever!

Pleu.
Would it were true!—Do you, my dear Palæstra,
And Ampelisca, tarry here the while
Till my return.

Serv.
I would advise them rather
To go to our house, and there wait your coming.

Pleu.
I like it: you oblige me.

Lab.
Ye are thieves,

Serv.
How! thieves?

Pleu.
Drag him along.

Lab.
Help! help! Palæstra!

Pleu.
On, rascal!

Lab.
Guest!

Charm.
No guest of thine: I scorn
To be thy mess-mate.

Lab.
Wilt thou slight me thus?

Charm.
I do: I've tasted of thy cheer already.

Lab.
Plague light upon thy head!

Charm.
On thine, say rather.

[Pleusidippus drags Charmides off. The Women and Servants go into Dæmones's House.

SCENE X.

CHARMIDES
alone.
I do believe, that men are metamorphos'd
Some into one brute, some into another.
This rascal pimp here on my faith I think
Is chang'd into a stock-dove, for ere long
They'll have him in the stocks, and in the cage
For jail-birds like himself, he'll make his nest.
However I will go, and be his advocate,
If by my help he may be sooner cast.

[Exit.