Distress upon Distress : or, Tragedy in True Taste A Heroi-Comi-Parodi-Tragedi-Farcical Burlesque |
 | 1. |
| 1. |
| 2. | SCENE II. |
| 2. |
 | Distress upon Distress : or, Tragedy in True Taste |  |
SCENE II.
Enter Miss Molly and her Governess.Miss.
How long, Mama, must I request in vain?
Sigh for Delights, yet ne'er Delights obtain .
Want, wish, and whimper, whimper, wish, and want,
I will not bear it longer, no nor can't.
Governess.
These sixty Years come Lammas, I ne'er knew,
A Miss so mad, so Husband-mad as you.
Miss.
Within my Trunk, I secretly have hid,
'Tis yet untouch'd, a Pot of Marmalade:
To you I'll give it, grant me?
Governess.
Never speak it.
Why then the Devil fetch me but I'll break it .
Shall I still Samplers stitch, or all the Day,
Like a mere Child, with jointed Babies play?
You'll break my Heart, dear Ma'am, what do you mean?
I'm now no Girl, this Month I've been fourteen,
Soon I'll be wed, I hope, and bedded too,
I am old enough, tho' not so old as you.
Governess.
Long have I hobbled, wrinkled, thro' this Life,
A Virgin, Widow, and a widow'd Wife .
I've try'd all Troubles, I have felt the Jars
Of Cholics, Cramps, Hysterics, and Catarrhs .
Yet never grumbled, never look'd awry,
Till now you force me—fye upon ye fye.
Arietta.
Oh, who wou'd put their Trust in faithless Man?
Have I for him refused the Lord knows who,
Pensions and Placemen, Dukes, Et Cetera .
Oh I cou'd tear my Tucker, burn my Tete,
Let me have Room to rave in, now I fret,
Pray let me fan myself—Lord, how I sweat
Miss.
Ma'am, with Submission, but I beg to know,
If you think fit to fit a Bit or so,
If Love, it is the Cause of your o'erthrow?
Madam, your Servant, but pray now be seated,
Heigh, ho! Lord help me, I'm so tosticated .
Know ye, young Fanfly's Lady?
Miss.
Very well.—
Arietta.
Miss, you'll excuse me, but I think it 'tant.
Miss.
Dear, Ma'am, proceed, I vow I meant no Harm.
Governess.
No, that I'll swear for, pray, Ma'am, don't be warm.
Then Ladies know I was, but what of that?
I am at present, but I don't know what .
On that fam'd Stage, where Perseus oft has flew,
Where Faustus conjur'd, and where Orpheus play'd,
With warbling Songs, I've charm'd attentive Crouds,
And Lords done Homage round me as at Court.
The Levee-throng'd Dependants watch their Prince,
To catch the secret Whisper, snatch his Smiles,
And then strut happy Home, big grown with Hope.
At length, one fatal Eve the Squire came,
Protested Love, presented, but, O Gods!
His Words were weighty, for his Gifts were large.
He begg'd, I granted, but I can no more:
He's lost, I'm left, and all my Splendour's o'er .
Miss.
Madam, for once, a Girl's Advice receive,
No longer for the unconstant Fanfly grieve.
And since I've lost one Love, I'd get another .
Governess.
Be ruled, good Madam, think how old I am,
Take my Advice, my Dear, and drink a Dram .
Arietta.
Wou'd I were drunk; nay, drunk I will be too,
And when I am I'll make the Devil to do .
Ye gilded Chariot, and ye rich Brocade,
And the dear Joys of midnight Masquerade,
A long Adieu, now thro' the filthy Town,
In dirty Hackney, and in plain silk Gown,
Must I be drove; perhaps 'tis worse decreed,
And thro' the Streets in Pattens I must tread.
Perhaps mend Stockings; O, ye cruel Gods!
Or scrub my Flesh off in the sharp Soap-Suds.
Governess.
Hope for the best, my Dear, send for the Squire.
I to the Creature send, excuse me Ma'am,
What like a Wife petition? if I do;
And now, I think on't, I will make a Vow .
Who wanton lave amidst the chrystal Streams;
That o'er the smooth-worn Pebbles plays
Thro' flow'ry Vales, and daisy-sprinkled Meads:
And ye who govern the high-waving Woods;
Who secret dwell in sun-sequestred Groves,
And nightly dance thro' arch-embower'd Walks.
Ye Hamadryads hear! Ye sullen Gnomes
That flit on foggy Clouds from Earth uprais'd:
Ye purer Sylphs, that skim the midway Air;
And all ye Genii of the Deep attend.
If I request, petition, send, or sue,
May Thunder split my Snuff-box all to pieces,
And Lightnings burn my Brussels Mob to Ashes.
Miss.
But you'll see him Madam.
I'll be blind first truly; no, I'll now,
With weary, wandring, melancholy, tread;
Goaded by Griefs, disconsolately creep:
On the soft Pillow rest my aching Head,
Sob like a Child, and sigh my self to sleep,
Snore out my Wrongs and dream—the Lord knows what
What I in Vision see, that I'll fullfil,
If 'tis my Blood, or Pen-dipt-Ink to spill:
To end my Woes at once by well-set Knife ,
Or vindicate my Wrongs, and write my Life .
(Exit curt'sying.
Here Reader, in this Speech there is an Antitheses worthy Observation. It consists of the different Modus which Miss Molly makes use of, in applying the Verb Break.
First, as breaking the Pot of Marmalade.
Secondly, as breaking her own Heart.
I could have been better pleased with it, had the Verb been both Times used in the first Person.
H. H.Common Distress is represented by one Tragedy Handkerchief; but as this is uncommon Distress, and two-fold, and Author has judiciously doubled the Hieroglyphic. P. P.
Plotinus, in his Dissertation upon Semi-colons, mightily recommends the Use of an Et Cetera. And Gerard Van Bergen, in the six Volumes he has published upon the Use and Antiquity of an Hyphen, has given us its Etymology and Cuts, how it is used by various Nations. H. H.
Though this may seem somewhat indelicate, it is very natural. For to be a Passion, or be in a Heat, are compatible, nay sometimes synonymous. Now it is not at all contradictory to the animal System to suppose, that when any one is in a Heat, Perspiration may ensue. P. P.
Pro intoxicated, aude common Conversation.
To mutilate, metamorphise, and transmigrate the English Language, is at present the polite Taste, while on the contrary, the Under-bred, instead of curtailing out of an unwonted Generosity, add to their Dialect, e. g. Mem pro Madam at St. James's. Misturs pro Madam, St. Giles's.
H. H.Here I cannot help observing the Particularity of Stile used by Tradesmen, Brokers, &c. of the Metropolis of Great Britain. They look on the Pronouns He or I to be no ways essential in their Advertisements, but think the Word Said sufficient.
And I hear there is a Complaint lodged in Nassan Court, by said Pronouns, backed by Particle The, against Dublin News Printers, for same Fault. Said Printers not given said Words fair Play in Advertisements.
Don't know what.
This Line is perfectly metaphysical. For her Ideas being certainly too circumstantially disturbed, i. e. (disturbed by her present Circumstances) it was impossible by this Parity of Reasoning, she could form a proper Assemblage of them, or range them in a just Order, to think that what she was.
I am at a Loss how to understand the Adjective dear, whether it relates to the Dearness of the Ticket, or whether the Joys she had there were dear pro endear'd to her.
Make a Vow—This Vow is made with Premeditation, and as it ought to be; for tho' Swearing is at present in tip top Taste, and quite the Thing, I don't believe the Generality of Gentlemen Cursers take a sufficient Time to recollect what they are going to do when they swear; for it is proper to consider, that an Oath may be sometimes used periodically, sometimes expletively, at other Times by way of Corroboration.
Further, I must needs say, that tho' there are some Persons, called Clergymen, who will make a Bustle about Duty, Decency, and Religion, and pretend, indeed, to have Swearing abolish'd, it would be as pernicious to Conversation, as the Prohibition of Spirits would be to Dram-Drinkers; For as Oaths not only interlard but make up two Parts in three of several Persons Conversation, what could those choice Spirits say if they were not to swear. Why, upon the nicest Calculation, according to de Moivre, Sympson Leibnitz, &c. it therefore follows, that they must be condemned to sit silent two Thirds of that Time they now fill up with such elegant Volubility. P. P. H. H.
There is something so daringly wicked in this calling upon God to confirm a momentous Relation, or upon the least Affront received, commanding a Deity to condemn them to eternal Perdition, that I cannot think common Swearers believe there is a God that hears them; or, perhaps, more modest, imagine the Deity thinks such Reptiles too much below his Notice to punish.
Here is a long Speech, which, I believe, was introduced for no other Design than to show the Author was deep read in Romance, and had a tolerable or intolerable Knack at Description. P. P.
He is to be commended for it, since as every Reader is look'd on as a Guest, and an Author is to furnish out as good a Feast as he can for the Reader's Entertainment; and, as at Gentlemen's Houses vast Pieces of Plate, ornamented, tho' useless, adorn the Side-board; so, as Authors can seldom, that way, please their Guests, they are right to open the Richness of their Fancy for them. H. H.
| Distress upon Distress : or, Tragedy in True Taste | |