 | He Wou'd if He Cou'd ; Or, An Old Fool worse than Any |  |
1
ACT I.
SCENE I.
A Chamber: Goosecap is discover'd, seated at a Table, leaning upon his Arm, in a pensive Manner.Sure never mortal, at my age,
Was such a buzzard, such a calf:
A man whom years should render sage!
I know not which, to cry or laugh.
In love at sixty-six!
Oons! infamy should fix
A brand on the crime:
Is threescore a time,
For beginning boyish tricks?
Betty!—This is wond'rous civil.
Betty!—How now! What the devil!
Will she come, or will she not?
No; she never heeds a jot,
When I call, how long I wait:
Well, I must submit to fate:
I took her for my maid, but she
Resolves she will my mistress be.
2
SCENE II.
Goosecap, Betty.Betty.
Mercy upon us, here's a stir;
Sure you have lost your senses, Sir.
Goose.
My breakfast, hussey.
Betty.
Time enough.
Goose.
You've let me bawl.—
Betty.
'Twill cure your cough.
Goose.
You might have said you did not hear me.
Betty.
Why, was I deaf?
Goose.
Then don't you fear me?
Betty.
For what! to fear me you were made.
Goose.
Plague, fury, 'sdeath, you slut! you jade!
Betty.
Nay, hush, good master, hush;
I vow and swear, I blush
To hear you make this riot:
Be quiet, Sir, be quiet;
Submit, obey;
'Tis the wisest way;
My word is your law,
And should you with awe,
Like Jove's imperial fiat:
You surely grow forgetful;
You're ugly, old, and fretful;
And for what should I catch
Such a fright, such a wretch,
When of young, gay, and brave,
If I would, I might have,
With half a look, my net full?
3
SCENE III.
Goosecap, Betty, Simon.Goose.
Here, Simon, fetch my hat and cane.
Betty.
What now, Sir?
Goose.
Simon!
Betty.
'Tis in vain;
You must not go abroad to day;
You are not well, Sir.
Goose.
Give me way.
Betty.
I will not let you budge from hence.
Goose.
Must I then bear this insolence?
Tell me, thou devil, whence it springs.
Betty.
Simon, take back your master's things.
Simon.
He bid me fetch them.
Betty.
That may be.
But now he stays at home with me:
He thought to go abroad.
Goose.
And will;
I'm your, and my own master still.
Simon, my hat, my cane, my cloak.
Betty.
Well, come, dear Sir, I did but joke;
Since you're resolv'd, you shall go out;
But must not leave me in a pout.
Goose.
I'll leave you in what way I please;
And to do that your heart shall teaze;
For, mistress vixen, hear but this:
I'll marry.
Betty.
No.
Goose.
I will.
Betty.
No.
Goose.
Yes.
4
If proper for the married life,
I would myself become your wife.
Goose.
You!
Betty.
Yes, I.
Goose.
Dare you further urge
Your boldness?
Betty.
Yes.
Goose.
I vow to George,
She has a most alluring eye.
Yet I will marry.
Betty.
Fye, fye, fye.
Goose.
I will, I will, by all that's bad;
If there's a female to be had:
Though her face be like a vizard,
And she's crooked as an izard;
Curs'd as curs, and old as Poles,
I will marry her, by goles.
If there's a female to be had:
Though her face be like a vizard,
And she's crooked as an izard;
Curs'd as curs, and old as Poles,
I will marry her, by goles.
There's my neighbour, Lady Blinker,
Some a homely woman think her;
She, 'tis true, has but one eye,
And's a little thought awry,
Yet with her I'll make a shift,
To turn you, impudence, adrift.
Some a homely woman think her;
She, 'tis true, has but one eye,
And's a little thought awry,
Yet with her I'll make a shift,
To turn you, impudence, adrift.
5
SCENE IV.
Betty, Simon.Betty.
Well, Simon, what's the best with you?
Simon.
Sir's in a passion.
Betty.
That's not new;
I think he's in one ev'ry day:
Come, have you nothing else to say?
Simon.
What should I say?
Betty.
Nothing to me.
Simon.
What!
Betty.
Nay, you best know that.
Simon.
(Laughing.)
He, he!
Betty.
You might have wanted to unfold
Your heart.
Simon.
I dare not be so bold.
Betty.
You love me, Simon, no disguise.
Simon.
Lord, who could tell you that?
Betty.
Your eyes.
Simon.
Well, since they've told you so, I do.
Betty.
You would be glad to kiss me too:
Say, am I right or am I wrong?
Come, kiss me, Simon.
Simon.
Get along:
You're making game of me, I know.
Betty.
Not I; come, kiss.
Simon.
But may I tho'?
Betty.
Try.
Simon.
That I will; she breathes, I vow,
For all the world like any cow.
6
Betty.
And welcome.
Simon.
Lord, I'm all on fire!
Betty.
Now, Simon, these delights are sweet;
But let's be cautious and discreet:
Th'old gentleman you know loves me;
However, I love you, d'ye see,
And mean to leave him in the lurch.
Simon.
And when shall us be ax'd in church?
Betty.
Next week, perhaps.
Simon.
And not before?
Betty.
Have patience; what would you have more!
I say I'll marry you.
Simon.
Good Lord!
One kiss.—
Betty.
But mum now.
Simon.
Not a word.
I am, 'tis true, but a servant boy,
And small the wages I get;
But more than riches she shall enjoy,
If I can prevail upon Bet:
And small the wages I get;
But more than riches she shall enjoy,
If I can prevail upon Bet:
I'll make up for wealth,
With youth and with health,
And love a precious store;
Despise then the life,
Of a gentleman's wife,
And chuse to be happy and poor.
With youth and with health,
And love a precious store;
Despise then the life,
Of a gentleman's wife,
And chuse to be happy and poor.
7
SCENE V.
Betty.To marry master are you bent,
You first shall stay for my consent:
I have not taken all this pains,
To let another count my gains:
But, how to frustrate the old fool!
I'll make this bumpkin here my tool,
Pretend with him to drive a match;
My master will, like wild-fire, catch
The tidings, and be strait in flame;
And then leave me to play my game.
Men are wily, men are cunning,
Still in wait our sex to catch;
But, their subtle mazes running,
Now and then they meet their match.
Still in wait our sex to catch;
But, their subtle mazes running,
Now and then they meet their match.
Shame, dear girls, those vile undoers',
Schemes with deeper schemes o'er-reach;
Boldly turn on your pursuers,
And foil them with the arts they teach.
Schemes with deeper schemes o'er-reach;
Boldly turn on your pursuers,
And foil them with the arts they teach.
8
SCENE VI.
Changes to a Street; on one Side, the Old Lady's House; on the other Side, Goosecap's. Goosecap enters with the Old Lady.Goose.
In short, this, madam, is my plan;
Would you a husband, I'm your man:
You are not handsome, nor yet young,
But on that theme I hold my tongue;
And, if you take me, you shall find
I'll prove a help-mate true and kind.
O. Lady.
Are you in earnest, Sir?
Goose.
In troth.
O. Lady.
Nay, I'll believe, without your oath;
And, since you make so fair an offer,
I will not vainly slight the proffer:
I am not over young, 'tis true;
And, let me say, no more are you;
And, if I have no charms to spare,
Your beauty, Sir, is nothing rare.
Goose.
Men's years and features are no matter;
And mine may pass, or some folks flatter.
Say, will you have me, ay or no?
O. Lady.
I will, Sir; I have told you so.
Goose.
Then, madam, yield to my request;
Yonder's my house; few words are best,
When folks are fix'd in their design.
Come with me there to day, and dine;
A bit of mutton, en famille,
And afterwards we'll sign and seal.
9
But, are you not too much in haste?
Goose.
Why should we time in courtship waste?
O. Lady.
Nay, as you please; but then, I must
Step in, my head-dress to adjust.
Goose.
I'll wait your coming, madam, here;
But let me lead you, pray.
O. Lady.
O dear!
You gentlemen are so polite!
But, pray, no farther stir;
You shan't, I vow; you shame me quite;
Your humble servant, Sir.
But, pray, no farther stir;
You shan't, I vow; you shame me quite;
Your humble servant, Sir.
But, Mister Goosecap, hark'e;
Pray, did I rightly mark you?
To-morrow did you say,
Should be your wedding-day?
Pray, did I rightly mark you?
To-morrow did you say,
Should be your wedding-day?
Well, let it if you will;
In all that's just and right,
You'll find me day and night,
Your most obedient still.
In all that's just and right,
You'll find me day and night,
Your most obedient still.
10
SCENE VII.
Goosecap; Betty and Simon enter behind; and afterwards the Old Lady.Goose.
Well, after all, now, by this light,
That which my neighbour says is right:
Gad, she's a woman of good sense;
Virtuous, and not without the pence;
And as for beauty, 'tis a dream,
All women soon become the same.
Betty.
Here, Simon, we must both stand ready;
I saw him talking with my lady;
But he's as cunning as old nick,
And I suspect some mummer's trick.
Simon.
Let us go nearer.
Betty.
Hold! take heed!
Goose.
Beauty is but a dream, indeed!
And youth a flow'r that soon decays.
Betty.
He's talking.
Simon.
Hark!
Betty.
What is't he says?
Simon.
Something, I could not hear, could you?
Betty.
No; listen, and observe your cue.
Goose.
I never was half so well pleas'd in my life.
How came I before not to think of a wife?
Odds rabbits and niggers, the more I reflect,
It is the best measure,
For profit and pleasure,
I could have adopted, in every respect.
Betty.
And so you shall find in effect.
11
Mistress Betty shall see,
And that to her sorrow,
By this time to-morrow,
I can be as headstrong as she.
Simon.
Odds my life this is no mumming,
Here's the gentlewoman coming,
Dress'd as fine as fine can be.
Betty.
All bedizened,
Perfum'd, poison'd!
A. 2.
O, she is a fine lady.
O. Lady.
My confusion is so great, Sir;
I'm afraid I've made you wait, Sir.
Goose.
Not at all, ma'am;
Take the wall, ma'am,
And oblige me with your hand.
O. Lady.
Sir, I'm all at your command.
Betty.
Hold, Sir, if you please, permit me,
In my office, to acquit me.
Fal, lal, lal, lal, lal, lal, loo.
By your leave and stand aside there;
Room for Mister Goosecap's bride there.
O. Lady.
Who are these? Do you know who?
Goose.
Betty, I've a mind to beat you.
A. 2.
Both your servants come to meet you.
Betty.
With low curtsies, ma'am, I greet you.
Goose.
Get you gone, you devils, do.
O. Lady.
Mister Goosecap, maid or wife,
Never was I, in my life,
Treated with so much ill manners.
A. 2.
Cupid, Hymen, spread your banners.
March before this happy pair.
Love and beauty,
'Tis our duty.
12
Slut! Dog! Tell me how you dare—
O. Lady.
Use this freedom.
Goose.
Never heed them;
I'll chastise them, you may swear.
A. 2.
Husband rare!
Charming fair.
Betty.
Fa, ra, la, ra, la, ra, la.
Simon.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
O. Lady.
Don't you see me made their scorn?
Were your offers t'amuse me?
Did you bring me to abuse me?
Had I thought
I was brought—
Goose.
Oh, that ever I was born!
Stay, my lady,
I am ready.
O. Lady.
Laugh'd at, banter'd!
Goose.
Is't my fault?
Simon.
Master yonder's quite astonish'd.
O. Lady.
For that slut I'll have her punish'd;
Laid in Bridewell as she ought.
Betty.
Fa, ral, la, ra, la, ra, la.
Simon.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
A. 4.
Such a scene,
As this has been,
Sure no mortal ever saw.
End of the First Act.
| He Wou'd if He Cou'd ; Or, An Old Fool worse than Any | |