University of Virginia Library

Enter WIFE [hastily.]
Where are you my Children?—Why Sally, Dick, Raaph!
Enter CHILDREN running.
Your Father is come!—Heaven bless him! and safe.
Enter FARMER.
O Jahn! my Heart dances with Joy thou art come.

FARMER.
And troth so does mine, for I love thee and whoam.

[Kisses.]
WIFE.
Now kiss all your Children—and now me agen.
[Kisses.]
O bless thy sweet Feace!—for one Kiss, gi' me ten!

FARMER.
Keep some for anon, Dame—you quoite stop my Breath:
You kill me wi' Koindness—you buss me to Death:
Enough, Love!—enough is as good as a Feeast:
Let's ha' some Refreshment for me and my Beeast.
Dick, get me a Poipe. [Exit D.]
Raaph, go to the Mare;
Gi' poor Wench some Oaats. [Exit. R.]
Dame, reach me a Chair!
Sal, draw me some Aal, to wash the Dirt down,
[Exit Sal.]
And then I will tell you—of London fine Town.

[Sits down.]
WIFE.
O Jahn! yo've been from me—the Lord knows how long!
Yo've been with the False Ones,—and done me some Wrong:

FARMER.
By the Zooks but I han't—so hold thy Fool's Tongue.
Some Tittups I saw, and they maade me to stare!
Trick'd noice out for Saale, like our Cattle at Fair:
So tempting, so fine!—and i'cod very cheap—
But, Bridget, I know, as we sow we must reeap,
And a cunning old ram will avoid rotten sheep.

[Enter Dick, with a Pipe and a Candle, and Sal, with some Ale.]
WIFE.
But London, dear Jahn!

FARMER.
Is a fine hugeous City!
Where the Geese are all Swans, and the Fools are all witty.

WIFE.
Did you see ony Wits?

FARMER.
I look'd up and down,
But 'twas Labour in vain—they were all out of Town.
I ask'd for the Maakers o' News, and such Things!
Who know all the Secrets of Kingdoms, and Kings!
So busy were they, and such Matters about,
That six Days in the Seven they never stir out.
Koind Souls! with our Freedom they maake such a Fuss,
That they lose it themselves to bestow it on us.

WIFE.
But was't thou at Court, Jahn?—What there hast thou seen?

FARMER.
I saw 'em—Heav'n bless 'em!—you know whom I mean.
I heard their Healths pray'd for—agen and agen,
With Provoiso that One may be sick now and ten.
Some Looks speak their Hearts, as it were with a Tongue—
O Dame!—I'll be damn'd, if they e'er do us Wrong:
Here's to 'em—bless 'em boath—do you take the Jug;
Woud't do their Hearts good—I'd swallow the Mug.
[Drinks.]
Come, pledge me, my Boy. [To Dick]
—Hold, Lad,—hast nothing to say?

DICK.
Here, Daddy,—Here's to 'em!

[Drinks.]
FARMER.
Well said, Dick, boy!

DICK.
Huzza!

WIFE.
What more did'st thou see, to beget Admiraation?

FARMER.
The City's fine Show,—but first the Crownation!
'Twas thof all the World had been there with their Spouses;
There was Street within Street, and Houses on Houses!
I thought from above, (when the Folk fill'd the Pleaces)
The Streets pav'd with Heads, and the Walls made of Feaces!
Such Justling and Bustling!—'twas worth all the Pother.
—I hope, from my Soul, I shall ne'er see another.

SAL.
Dad, what did you see at the Pleays, and the Shows?

FARMER.
What did I see at the Pleays and the Shows?
Why Bouncing and Grinning, and a Pow'r of fine Cloaths:
From Top to the Bottom 'twas all 'Chanted Ground!
Gold, Painting, and Music, and Blaazing all round!
Above 'twas like Bedlam, all roaring and rattling!
Below, the fine Folk were all curts'ying and pratling:
Strange Jumble together—Turks, Christians, and Jews!
—At the Temple of Folly, all croud to the Pews.
Here too doizen'd out, were those seame freakish Leadies,
Who keep open Market,—tho' Smuggling their Treade is.
I saw a new Pleay too—they call'd it The School—
I thought it pure Stuff—but I thought like a Fool—
'Twas The School of—pize on it!—my Mem'ry is naught—
The Great ones dislik'd it—they heate to be taught:
The Cratticks too grumbled—I'll tell you for whoy,
They wanted to laugh—and were ready to croy.

WIFE.
Pray what are your Cratticks?

FARMER.
Like Watchmen in Town,
Lame, feeble, half-blind, yet they knock Poets down.
Like old Justice Wormwood,—a Crattick's a Man,
That can't sin himself,—and he heates those that can.
I ne'er went to Opras!—I thought it too grand,
For poor Folk to like what they don't understand.
The top Joke of all, and what pleas'd me the moast,
Some Wise ones and I sat up with a Ghoast.

WIFE and CHILDREN.
A Ghoast!

[Starting.]
FARMER.
Yes, a Ghoast!

WIFE.
I shall swoond away, Love!

FARMER.
Odzooks!—thou'rt as bad as thy Betters above!
With her Nails, and her Knuckles, she answer'd so noice!
For Yes she knocked Once, and for No she knock'd Twoice.
I ask'd her one Thing—

WIFE.
What Thing?

FARMER.
If yo', Dame, was true?

WIFE.
And the poor Soul knock'd One.

FARMER.
By the Zounds, it was Two.

WIFE.
I'll not be abus'd, Jahn.

[Cries.]
FARMER.
Come, prithee no Croying,
The Ghoast, among Friends, was much giv'n to Loying.

WIFE.
I'll tear out her Eyes—

FARMER.
I thought, Dame, of matching
Your Neails against hers—for you're both good at scratching.
They may talk of the Country, but, I say, in Town,
Their Throats are much woider, to swallow Things down.
I'll uphold, in a Week—by my Troth I don't joke—
That our little Sal—shall fright all the Town Folk.
Come, get me some Supper—But first let me peep
At the rest of my Children—my Calves, and my Sheep.

[Going.]
WIFE.
Ah! Jahn!

FARMER.
Nay, chear up—let not Ghoasts trouble thee—
Bridget! look in thy Glass—and there thou may'st see,
I defie mortal Man—to maake Cuckold o' me.

[Exeunt.]