University of Virginia Library

SCENE, Wilding's house.
Enter Mrs. Wilding and Penelope.
Pen.

Why, you would not have me encourage this
Hazard?

Mrs. Wild.

Indeed but I wou'd.

Pen.

What, a gamester! a profligate!

Mrs. Wild.

His gaming is accidental—A younger
brother, and bred to no business, naturally leads to the
dice for his supplies—I know he is tir'd of the company
he has kept; his honour is as yet unimpeach'd,
and with your fortune, what can either of you want,
or desire farther?

Pen.

Indeed, I dare not think of it. Give me a
little time—and—who knows—Lord, he's here.

Enter Hazard.
Mrs. Wild.

Mr. Hazard, I have pleaded hard for
you, and promised much for you—You must now
try the cause yourself.

Haz.

I am indebted to you—all things succeed beyond
your thought—pray, give me a little opportunity
with your kinswoman.

Mrs. Wild.
I'll withdraw.

[Exit.
Haz.
I know not how to woo her—
Sweet lady—

Pen.
Your pleasure, sir?

Haz.
Pray, let me ask you a question—
If you had lost your way, and met one,
A traveller like myself, that knew the coast
O'th'country, would you thank him to direct you?

Pen.
That common manners would instruct.

Haz.
I think so.

Pen.
But there are many ways to the wood.

Haz.
And which
Would you desire; the nearest path, and safest,
Or that which leads about?

Pen.
Without all question,
The nearest and safest.

Haz.
Can you love then?

Pen.
I were a devil else.

Haz.
And can you love a man?

Pen.
A man! what else, sir?

Haz.
Y'are so far on your way. Now love but me,
Y'are at your journey's end; what say you to me?

Pen.
Nothing, sir.

Haz.
That's no answer, you must say something,

Pen.
I hope you'll not compel me.

Haz.
D'y'hear, lady?
Setting this foolery aside, I know
You cannot chuse but love me.

Pen.
Why?

Haz.
I have been told so.

Pen.
You are easy of belief;
I think I should be best acquainted with
My own thoughts, and I dare not be so desperate
To conclude.

Haz.
Come, come; y'are a dissembling gentlewoman.
I know your heart; you have lov'd me a great while.
What should I play the fool for? if you remember,
I urg'd some wild discourse in the behalf
Of Barnacle; it was a trial of thee;
That humour made me love thee; and since that, thy virtue.

Pen.
Indeed, sir?

Haz.
Indeed, sir? why I have been contracted to thee.

Pen.
How long?

Haz.
This half hour; know thy portion, and shall have it.

Pen.
Strange!

Haz.
Nay, I'll have thee too.

Pen.
You will?

Haz.
I cannot help it; thy kind cousin will have it so:
'Tis his own plot, to make thee amends; is't not
Good mirth? but 'tis not love to thee or me;
But to have me possest he is no cuckold:
I see through his device, thou art much beholden to him:
He meant to have put thee off with half thy portion;
But that, as things have hap'd, we must keep secret.
Say, is't a match? I have two thousand pound too,
I thank the dice: let's put our stocks together;
Children will follow—He is here already.

Enter Wilding.
Wild.
So close! I am glad on't, this prepares Will Hazard,
And my young cousin—A word, Penelope.

Haz.
Now will he make all sure.

Wild.
You us'd me coarsely,
But I have forgot it; what discourse have you
With this gentleman?

Pen.
He would seem to be a suitor.

Wild.
Entertain him, d'y'hear; you may do worse be rul'd.
'Twas in my thought to move it; does he not
Talk strangely?

Pen.
Of what?

Wild.
Of nothing; let me counsel you
To love him; call him husband.

Pen.
I resolve
Never to marry without your consent.

Enter Acreless, Littlestock, Sellaway.
Haz.
Gentlemen, welcome.

Pen.
If you bestow me, sir, I will be confident
I am not lost, I must confess I love him.

Wild.
No more then; lose no time.—Kind gentlemen,
Y'are come most seasonably to be the witnesses
Of my consent; I have examin'd both
Your hearts, and freely give thee here my kinswoman:
No sooner shall the church pronounce
You married, but challenge what is her's.

Haz.
Five thousand pound.

Wild.
I do confess it is her portion;
You sh'not stay to talk—Nay, gentlemen,
Pray see the business finish'd.

Acr.
We'll attend him.

Wild.
The lawyer with his papers are within;
I've sign'd and seal'd the contract, and with it
Give up all my right and guardianship
To this my friend.

[To Hazard.
Haz.
Which I with joy accept of—
[Takes Pen's hand.
Be you the witnesses. Come on.

[Exit with Pen.
Wild.
So, so; this will confirm him in the opinion,
Penelope was the creature he enjoy'd,
And keep off all suspicion of my wife;
Who is still honest, in the imagination
That only I embrac'd her: all's secure,
And my brow's smooth again. Who can deride me,
But I myself? Ha! that's too much; I know it;
And spite of these tricks, am a Cornelius.
Cannot I bribe my conscience to be ignorant?
Why then I ha' done nothing: yes, advanc'd
The man, that grafted shame upon my fore-head:
Vexation! parted with five thousand pound,
And am no less a cuckold than before:
Was I predestin'd to this shame and mockery?
Where were my brains? yet why am I impatient?
Unless betray'd, he cannot reach the knowledge;
And then no matter—yes, I am curst again;
My torment multiplies; Penelope
Will clear herself, and then that ruins all!
I wou'd she had been strumpeted. I am lost,
And must be desperate—kill him? no—my wife.
Not so good—death is over black and horrid;
And I am grown ridiculous to myself.—
I must do something.—

Enter Barnacle and Nephew.
Bar.

Master Wilding, welcome—I have not seen you a
great while.

Wild.
Then I have been happy a great while.
Do you know me?

Bar.
Know you?

Wild.
They say I am much alter'd of late.

Bar.
There is some alteration in your forehead.

Wild.
My forehead!

Bar.

'Tis not smooth enough—you're troubled—Is
your wife within?

Wild.
What wou'd you with her?

Bar.
I know the matter that's a brewing.

Neph.
Et ego.

Bar.
You have it here, Mr. Wilding.

[Pointing to his head.
Wild.
The devil!—Do you see 'em?
Have they broke the surface?

Bar.
I mean Mr. Hazard's business.

Wild.
I mean that too—My head's a torment to me.

Neph.

What wou'd you give now, Mr. Wilding, to be
of the nation without heads?

Wild.

Wou'd I cou'd change conditions with these
fools; they are not troubled now with being cuckolds.

Enter Mrs. Wilding.
Mrs. Wild.

Gentlemen, your servant.

Bar.

Joy, joy to you, Mrs. Wilding.

Wild.

Wife, you are a whore; you shall know more
hereafter—I must go live in the forest.

Mrs. Wild.
And I i'th' common.

Wild.
She'll turn prostitute!

Enter Hazard, Penelope, Acreless, &c.
Haz.
Your leave, gentle folks; who wishes us joy!

Bar.
Married?

Haz.
Fast as the law can tie us;
The priest must bless the knot.

Acr.
We are witnesses.

Haz.

Cousin, five thousand pound; and lady, now I
must thank you for this among the rest—Look then with
an eye of love upon me.

Wild.

No matter, she'll love thee afterwards. An' she
do not, she can but cuckold thee; there be more i'th' parish,
man.

Mrs. Wild.
In our parish, husband?

Wild.
I'll be divorc'd now,
Wife, you're a whore—

Haz.
Ho there! no big words; come,
We must tell something in your ear: be merry;
You are no cuckold, make no noise.—I know
That's it offends your stomach.

Wild.
Ha!

Haz.
I touch'd not her, nor this, with one rude action.
We'll talk the circumstance another time:
Your wife expected you; but when I came,
She had prepar'd a light, and her cousin here,
T'have made you blush, and chide you into honesty:
Seeing their chaste simplicity, I was won
To silence, which brought on my better fortune.

Wild.
Can this be real?

Mrs. Wild.
By my hopes of peace
I'th' t'other world, you have no injury:
My plot was only to betray you to
Love and repentance.

Pen.
Be not troubled, sir;
I am a witness of my cousin's truth;
And hope you'll make all prosper, in renewing
Your faith to her.

Haz.
Be wise, and no more words:
Thou hast a treasure in thy wife; make much on her.
For any act of mine, she is as chaste
As when she was new-born. Love, love her, Jack.

Wild.
I am asham'd: pray give me all forgiveness.
I see my follies—heaven invites me gently
To thy chaste bed.—Be thou again my dearest:
Thy virtue shall instruct me. Joy to all.

Haz.

These be love's miracles: a spring-tide flow in
every bosom.

Bar.

May ease, health, happiness attend you lady.

Pen.

From you, sir, 'tis a double compliment.—
Have I your pardon, sir, for my refusal of the honor of
your nephew's hand?

Bar.

You have.

Neph.

And mine too, lady, with thanks to th'bargain.

Wild.

To-day I'll feast you all; and wife, be this
our bridal day: let us begin new joys with these our happy
cousins.

Mrs. Wild.

My joys are at their full; and, dear Penelope,
my heart o'erflows with love, delight and gratitude.

Pen.

May I deserve your friendship, and follow your
example.

Haz.

Be witness, gentlemen, that wedded here, wedded
for ever, I no more shall follow that sickle harlot
fortune—I renounce my follies; fly to peace, content
and love,

From riot, care, intemperance and vice!
And from the fountain-head of all—The dice.

Sell.

The sinner preaches, Wilding; but his lectures will
make few penitents.

Wild.