University of Virginia Library

ACT V.

Enter all Ladies, Nurses, Pinguister, Leanman, as in the Vault, Philidor as a Cryer.
Phili.
O Yes, O yes, O yes, did any man hear
Tale or Tidings of Three Nurses call'd
Three Flanders Mares, with Three
Sucking Colts?

All Nu.
Hark, we are Cry'd in the Streets.

Phi.
And also six Maiden Ladies, that shou'd
Have been all Married to a certain
Promising Gentleman.

All La.
Devil, we are Cry'd too.

Phi.
Also a very Lean Gentleman, that must
Be Fatter before he's Married?

Le. ma.
Hark, that's I.

Phi.
And the hugest Loss of all is one Mr.
Pinguister, a lovely Fat Gentleman,
Whom all that knew him, doubt him
To be Dead upon some Privy house,
Because he Purg'd every day for Love,
By reason Mrs. Mirida will not Marry him,
Till a certain Measure that he has
Will come about his Wast.

Enter Mirida.
Ping.
Cryer, I am here, I am here.

Phi.
If any can bring News of the six aforesaid
Virgin Ladies, or of the three Flanders Nurses,
And Colts, to one Mr. Philidor, a very
Consciencious young Man.

Omnes.
A Pox take him.

Phi.
They shall be extreamly paid
For thier Pains. Again, if any can
Bring Tidings of this Mr. Pinguister,
To Mrs. Mirida, she will be very bountiful
In her Reward, the poor soul weeps
Most bitterly for him.

Ping.
Dos she so poor Wretch?—
[cries aloud.
Prethee good Cryer go tell her I am not
Dead, though I have been Buryed a
Great while in the Vault. Mercy of my
Bumgut, my Purge again?

Omnes.
You nasty Rogue, turn your Breech
Out at the Grate then

[goes to do so, Philidor Kickes him down, he Roares out.
Mir.
Philidor, I have broke a Vain
With Laughing, to hear thy Rogueries,
I'le call to Pinguister—Mr. Pinguister,
My Love, my Dear, sure I hear
Thy voice.

Ping.
Who's that? my dear Female?

Mir.
The same Fat Love.

Ping.
Oh Prethee raise me from the Dead.

Phi.
Well Ladies and Gentlewomen, how d'yee
Like your Cryer now?

Omnes.
The Devil take thee, was it you?

Phi.
The very same.

2 La.
Well, wont you let us out, pray howsoever,
Take away this Fat Gentleman from us;
For he has such a coming Looseness, and
Tis so dark here that he has
Shit upon every one of us.

Omnes.
Well, but wont you let us out?

Phili.
Yes, if you Ladies will set your hands
To this Paper, to quit me as to all Promises.
I will; and also my reverend Nurses,
You must set your hands to this discharge,
To quit me from all arreares of Nursing;
Else farewell t'yee?

Omnes.
Well, well, stay we will

[Sets their hands.
Phili.
So now you may go take the Aire
Again, there's the Key to let your selves out.

Omnes.
A Cheating Rogue.

Phili.
Come Mirida, let's run away, for if
They catch us, Murther is the best we
Can hope for.—

[Exit with Mirida.
1 Nur.
They went this way, let's run after
Them, some one way, and some tother.—

[Ex. women.
Ping.
So you may, but if I run any way.
Then hang me, I am glad of my Resurrection
Howsoever. On my Conscience no green
Carcase ever stunck as I did; to my best
Remembrance I went to stoole some
Threescore times in the Vault, Ergo
I was beaten Threescore times, the
Unmerciful Nurses with their hugh
Palm'd hands, every time I went to't,
Playd at hot Cockles all the while upon
My Buttocks, well I hope I shall ne're
Be buried again whil'st I live, and so
With that Prayer I'le go to Bed.

Enter Mirida.
Miri.
My dear Fat Love, little dost thou
Think how many Tears I have shed
For all thy Sufferings, that Rogue
Philidor put a Trick upon us all.

Ping.
Well and has Physick, Heats, Buriall,
Nor Resurrection, made me yet Leane
Enough to be thy, Husband; why I have
Lost asmuch Grease as wou'd Furnish
A whole City with Candles for a Twelve Month.
And all for the Love of thee sweet, Mirida.

[Cries and Snobs.
Mir.
Dear Love come sit thee in my Lap
And let me try if I can enclose thy world
Of Fat and Love, within these Armes,
See I cannot nigh encompass my
Desires by a Mile.

Ping.
How is my Fat a Rivall to my Joyes?—
(cries.
Sure I shall weep it all away.

Mir.
Lye still my Babe, lye still and sleep,
It grieves me sore to see thee weep.
Wert thou but Leaner I were glad,
Thy Fatness makes thy dear Love sad.
What a lump of Love have I in my armes.

Ping.
Nay if I had not taken all these Courses,
To dissolve my self into thy imbraces,
One wou'd think my looking on thee
Were enough, for I never see thee but
I am like a fat piece of Beefe, rosting
At the Fire, continually drep, drop, drop.
There's ne're a feature in thy Face, or
Part about thee, but has cost me many
A Pint of Fat, with thinking on thee;
And yet not to be Lean enough for
Thy Husband; O Fate, O Fate, O Fate,
O Fat.

[she lets him fall.
Mir.
O Lord Sir I have let you fall, how
Shall I do to get you up again?

Ping.
Nay that's more then all the World
Can tell.

Mir.
I'le e'ne lye down by thee then.

Ping.
Nay but Prethee lye neer me, thou
Had'st as good lye a League off, as that
Distance.

Mir.
Were I thy Wife, fat Love I wou'd.

[Mir.]
(she sings.

Ping
(he sings.

Mir.
That were not Modesty in me to turn
To you, but if you can Roul to me
Within this hour, I'le Marry you in
Spite of all your Fat.

Mir.
Agreed then I shall gain thee, yet
You must lye still then.

Mir.
Yes, yes.

Ping.
Sure I am Sysiphus's stone, for as fast
As I turn over I think I turn
[he Rouls to her, and she Rouls from him.
Back again, else I must needs
Have been come to my Journies end
By this time, for I am of such a
Breadth, that every Roul I give,
I pass over an Acre at least.
Thou ly'st still my Love, dos't thou not?

Mir.
Yes, I long to have thee here,

Ping.
I doubt I shant be with thee though
This two hours.

Mir.
Then my heart will break.

Ping.
I'me sure mine will before I get to thee.
Oh Woman,—oh woman, oh woman.
They talke of woman in Travail, I'me
Sure I know a man in Travail at
This time, in more Pain behalf.

Mir.
Why my most Extream Fat Asse, dost
[she rises and Laughs at him.
Thou not find that I have fool'd thee
All this while?

Ping.
Why, hast thou?

Mir.
Yes indeed have I.

Ping.
Oh thou woman; may'st thou grow
Fat; that thy Breasts and Belly may
Meet together, so that all the fat
Hostesses in Christendom may appear
But Eels to thee.

Mir.
Farewell my lowly Love.

Ping.
Why wilt thou not help me up before
You go.

Mir.
What to do, to run heats again for Love?

Ping.
No, to fight with thee.

Mir.
Fight with me? by this Light wou'd we
Had two Swords, I'de have one pass
At all thy Tripes.
Enter Cutler with two Swords.
Faith and yonders a fellow has two Swords.
Friend lend me but thy Swords one Minute.

Cut.
I am going to carry them to two Gentlemen.

Mir.
Oh this will not hinder thee, thou shalt
See rare sport, go help that Gentleman
Up that lies yonder, and give that Sword
Into his hand.
Come are you ready Sir.

Ping.
Why, you dear fight then it seemes
Though thou art so ungodly a Chit as
To say no prayers before thou begin'st,
I will, I assure thee.
Good,—I pray and desire yee, if I
Do miscarry in this Duell, that I may
Meet with no woman in the tother
VVorld. Now thou worst of Females,
Have at thee.

Mir.
Come I'le let out all your Fat and Love at
One Thrust.—
[Fight and she disarmes him.
Now ask thy Life and confess thou art an Asse.

Ping.
I am an Asse, and ask my life.

Mir.
Then I thy conquering Cæsar, take my leave,
With this conclusion, veny, vidi, vici.
And so farewell Oh Fate, Oh Love, O Fat.—

[Exit.
Ping.
After all my Miseries wou'd I were
Up again, else the next man that comes
Will make a Rouler of me, for to Roul
Bowling greenes.—
[makes severall Attempts to rise and at last gets up.
So, now have I a Mile home at least,
And every toilesome step I take, I will
Curse women.—

[Exit.
Enter Zoranzo and Amphelia lyeing upon Straw together.
Zo.
Most blest of women, I must tell you truth.
And yet I fear that truth will,—

Amph.
Will what; I doubt he loves me.
(aside.)
Speak it Sir, nothing from you can
Be unwelcome;

Zo.
O yes it will.

Amph.
I'le warrant you, out with it Sir.

Zo.
Then know I,—twill come no further.

Amph.
Unhappy man 'tis so, he Loves me.—
(aside.)
O Sir, I have sadder truth to tell to you,
Then yours can be to me, I dare not
Speak it.

Zo.
My fears are true, she Loves me?—
(aside.)
Pray tell me what it is,

Amph.
Tell yours first Sir.

Zo.
Alas you saw I tried, but cou'd not
Get it past my Lipps.

Amph.
If I shou'd try, mine wou'd not come so far.

Zo.
Wou'd I knew yours, I cou'd tell it
For you;

Amph.
So cou'd I yours, yet I cant my own.

Zo.
Alas she loves me.—

[aside.
Amph.
Poor Zoranzo, I see he loves me.
(aside.)
But Sir consider we are going to dye,
Let us dye undeceiv'd in one another.

Zo.
Oh that some—that knows each of
Our hearts, wou'd harken to our griefes,
And bid an Angel come and speake
For both.

Enter Iaylor.
Iay.
Come have you done your discourse,
Yee must go to Excecution.

Zo.
A little patience Jaylor, see we are
Cal'd unto our deaths, pray tell me
What you mean.

Amph.
I cannot, first do you begin.

Zo.
Nor I.

Amph.
Let us tell both together then, that one
May not blame the tother

Zo.
Agreed, are you ready now to speak,

Amph.
Yes, oh no I am not,—well now I am,—
Are you.

Zo.
Yes I am, begin, oh stay I cannot yet.

Iay.
Come, Come, I can give you no
Longer time.

Amph.
Nay then we must tell.

Zo.
Poor Amphelia, tis Amarissa, that
I Love.

Amph.
O Zoranzo I love the Duke.

Zo.
Then I am joyed, I was afraid twas
Me you Lov'd.

Amph.
And so was I that you Lov'd me.
Now we shall dye both happy,
Never was two such friends as you and I.

Iay.
Come, Come.

Amph.
Good Jaylor we go most willingly now,

[Exeunt.
Enter as on a Scaffold, Duke, Amarissa, Ortellus, Zoranzo, Amphelia, and Iaylor Excecutioner.
Amar.
Jaylor why did'st thou let them stay so long?

Iay.
They had so much to say to one another,
That still they begg'd one Minute and
Then another.

Amar.
D'yee hear Sir, pray let the Jaylor
Be turn'd out of his place, for leting
Them speak to one another.

Amph.
See Zoranzo where they sit in tryumph,
O're our deaths.—

[aside,
Amar.
S'life Sir they are whispering, d'yee
See yonder, Excecutioner why don't
You strike off their heads, and let
Them whisper then.—
Sir you are Melancholly;

Duke.
I am indeed.

Zo.
Now Amphelia, to Heaven and you,
I truely Vow, my Love is still the
Same, to cruel Amarissa.

Amph.
Heaven and you witnesses the same
For me, my heart is still that
Undeserving Dukes.

Excecu.
Come which of you will dye first.

Zo.
Hast thou not skill enough to strike
Our heads off together.

Amar.
Excecutioner let them not have that
Satisfaction, pray Sir let that
Woman dye first; that damn'd Zoranzo,
May have two deaths; it will be one
To him, to see her dye, shall it be so Sir?

Duke.
What you please.

Amar.
Excecutioner, the Duke sayes she
Must dye first.

Excecu.
Come Lady, you must lay down your
Head first, the Duke sayes.

Amph.
That word's the sharpest Ax, that I
Shall feel.

Exce.
Have you said all?

[both kneels as at Prayers.
Amph.
To Earth I have, but not to Heaven,
Farewell dear friend for one short Minute,

Zo.
My soul shall hasten after yours.

Ama.
S'life Jaylor, will you let them speake
To one another again.

Amph.
Excecutioner, now I am ready.

Duke.
Hold, the Prisoner shall dye first.

Zo.
With all my heart, I am ready.

Duke.
Nay it is not you I mean Sir, rise
'Tis I that am the Prisoner, I will
Make you a present, take your Life,
Your Love, nay and my Dukedom too,
And to oblidge you most of all.
Excecutioner strike off my head, for I
Am weary of it.

Amph.
Not for ten thousand worlds Sir,
What e're you mean.

Duke.
Know then I have lov'd you all this
While, but seeing your hate so
Great to me, I have dissembled
Scorne to you.—
[she Swoones.
Why dost thou Swoon Amphelia?

Amph.
Did not I hear some voice just now,
That said the Duke dos love me still,

Duke.
Thou did'st, 'twas he himself that
Said so.

Amph.
If 'twere from Heaven, good Heaven
Say it again.

Duke.
Twas I myself, I tell thee,—and I will never
Speake another word, if that dos please thee.

Amp.
Oh I am in Heaven then it seemes, and 'tis
Some god that's telling me how the
Duke Lov'd me still.

Duke.
Dear Amphelia, 'tis I that Loves thee,
Tells thee so.

Amp.
Hark, now there's a god that saies he loves
Me too, blest god, I'me sorry if you do,
Since I have heard the Duke dos Love me still,
He must be your rivall, indeed I cannot
Help it, Oh let me fly down to the Earth
Again, only to hear him say he loves me,
I cannot promise when I shall return,
That very word from him wou'd keep me there.

Duke.
I must answer her no more, they say
'Twill keep 'um longer in a Trance

[he Ruls her.
Ortell.
I am but in a scurvy condition now, if
She comes to life again, for they will
Examine one another how the mistake
Came between them, and then I am
Sure it must come to light.

Amph.
Who's that Duke, Archemedes.—

Duke.
The same sweet Angel?

Amph.
Oh Sir, I am come from Heaven to see you,
Since there I heard you love me still.

Duke.
Dear Amphelia, thou hast dream'd all
This while, Heaven 'tis true, is where
Thou art, but 'twas my voice that
Said I Love thee.

Amph.
Was not my head struck off just now?

Duke.
Canst thou ask that while I have
A head and heart?

Amph.
Why have you lov'd me still?

Duke.
With as much truth as ever lover did;

Amph.
So have I you with equal constancy.

Amar.
Well Sir, now you are satisfied, pray
Let me be so too, and let Zoranzo's
Head be struck off quickly.
I see he's mean as well as false, to
Quit me for a woman that dos not
Love him.

Amph.
Hold Amarissa, hear me speak, before
Zoranzo dies,—and be assur'd he
Loves you still.

Amar.
VVou'd you deceive me too?

Amph.
Indeed I dont, when we were
Going to dye, you may remember that
VVe whisper'd, then we call'd Heaven
And our selves to witness,
That both our Loves were true,
Mine to Archimedes, his to you.

Amar.
Can you forgive me Sir.—

[Kneels.
Zo.
I cannot answer yet,
Thy civility has took away my speech.

Duke.
Dear Amphelia, how came this sad
Mistake 'twixt you and I.

Amph.
I'le tell you Sir in part, when you were
In this last War, my woman receiv'd
A Letter from one of the Gentlemen of your
Chamber, wherein he did assure
Her, that you had a new Mistriss in
That Country, and therefore bid her tell
Me of it, that I might by degrees,
Wean my affection from so false a man
As you.

Duke.
Here has been some foule play, for
This very man you spoke of, receiv'd
A Letter from your woman, wherein she
Bid him assure me, that you were
Prov'd false in my absence, and Lov'd my
Cozen Ortellus.

Guard.
Go fetch them both hither
Immediately, they shall dye without
Mercy.

Ortell.
Nay then I had as good discover,
'Twill fall the heavier on me else.
Sir let the Guard stay,
And I will tell you all.
'Tis I, have sow'd the seeds of this mistake,
I long have lov'd Amphelia, for which cause
I tried this way to draw her heart from you.
I knew this Gentleman of your Bed-chamber
Was in Love with Amphelia's woman,
Therefore I brib'd her to write to him,
To assure the Duke that Amphelia lov'd me,
And that she shou'd also charge him, to
Write another Letter to her, wherein he
Shou'd complain of the Dukes falling in
Love with another woman in that
Country, I knew your spirits both to be
So great, that neither of you wou'd
Stoop to one another, when you were
Both possest of eithers falseness, and
So it prov'd, for when the Duke heard
You Lov'd me, he brought a fair
New Mistriss over with him, to let you
See hee did contemn you, and so
Amphelia Sir, when she heard you
Lov'd another, assured me then that she
Lov'd me, which now I see was only
To make you think how much she
Scorn'd you; though still her heart
Was true, and so was yours, now
Sir I humbly beg your Pardon.

Duke.
'Twill be in vain my Lord, I cannot
Grant it; Oh Amphelia, how many
Hours of joy, we two have lost.

Amph.
Base Lord.

Enter Artabella.
Artab.
O Sir, I heard that people were to dye
To day, let me be one I pray.

Amph.
Not for the World sweet innocence.

Arta.
Oh Madam you are she the Duke
Loves, pray spare your Pitty, Sir can
You have the heart to let me live,
And see you Married to another?

Amph.
Have patience sweet young Maid,
I will not Marry him, you wo'not blame
Me if I love him though.

Arta.
No, for then I shou'd condemn my
Fault in you.

Duke.
But sure Amphelia, you did but jest,
In telling her you wou'd not Marry me;

Amph.
Indeed Sir I am in earnest; Consider
'Tis but justice, she loves you as well
As I, her heart was quiet till you
Troubl'd it.

Duke.
All this is true, but how will your
Love shew, if you refuse to marry me?

Amph.
Not less at all, but make my Pitty more.

Duke.
If I wou'd marry her, I cant beleive
That she wou'd be thus kind to you.

Amph.
Yes, I dare say she wou'd; ask her and try.

Duke.
Well Artabella, will you Marry me?

Arta.
You never hated me till now, can you
Beleive I'de wrong so blest a
Woman as Amphelia.

Amph.
See Sir, wou'd it be justice now in me,
She will not wound my heart, shou'd
I kill hers.

Duke.
But consider 'tis you I Love, not her,

Amph.
That's her misfortune Sir, yet she
Deserves as much as I: I can but love
You, so do's she.

Duke.
Dear Amphelia marry me?

Amph.
I cannot out of pitty Sir;

Duke.
Talke not of pitty, if thou wilt shew
Me none.

Amp.
My pitty, is her due: my love is yours.

Duke.
O Amphelia, this was a cruell way to
Make me happy. Thou'dst better still
Have kept my joyes unknown;
Then let the knowing of it be my death.
Once more my dear Amphelia marry me:

Amph.
Do not Petition, her you may command
In any thing but this.

Duke.
Monster of Villaines, thou hast caus'd
All this; Excecutioner, immediately strike
Off his head.

Ortell.
I'me sure you will not let me dye;

Duke.
Impudent Villain, dispatch him straight?

Ortell.
Hold Sir, 'tis only I can make you three
Happy, which if you do not confess,
When you have heard me speake,
Then let me dye.

Duke.
Well let's hear it.

Ortell.
Promise me my life first, if I do.

Duke.
Well you shall have it.

Ortell.
Then know the Lady Artabella is
Your Sister.

Duke.
Ha.

Ortell.
I say your Sister, you do remember
That you had one once?

Duke.
Yes I do, but she was lost at three
Years old.

Ortell.
'Tis true 'twas thought so; but thus
It is, when 'twas reported you were
Slain in the Battail;
I straight convey'd away this Lady
Then a Child, because she shou'd not
Stand 'twixt me and the Dukedome, I being
Then acquainted with the Mother to
Arbatus, I brought this Lady, and gave
Her a summ of Money, to adopt her for
Her Childe, with willingness my offer
She imbrac'd, the more, because her
Son Arbatus had then been lost
About seaven years; thought to have
Been cast a way at Sea; though after wards
Return'd home, I had enjoyn'd her
Secresy which she kept, therefore
She told Arbatus 'twas his Sister.

Enter Arbatus.
Duke.
And is she then my Sister.
Oh, Arbatus, welcome, welcome;
I have a crowd of Joyes, about my heart
To tell thee.

Arba.
What! that you have broke my Sisters heart.

Duke.
Thou hast no Sister; 'Tis I possess that
Blessing, Artabella, is my Sister, how
Blest a sound is sister to my Eares,
I'le give command, no other word but
Sister shall be spoke throughout My
Dukedome; I'le have it taught to
Infants; so that when nature lends
Their sucking tongues a meanes to
Speak one word, they all shall
Babble Sister, instead of Nurse, I'le
Have the name ingrav'd in Gold on
Every Post and Pillar in the Streetes,
And passers by, shall worship it.

Arba.
I am amaz'd.

Enter Philidor and Mirida.
Duke.
Welcome Philidor.

Phili.
I am glad to see joy in your lookes
Again Sir, the time is long since
I have seen you smile.

Duke.
Philidor, all that is Joy, I have within
This Breast, it o're flowes and runs
Into my Eyes; This is my Sister, oh
What a word is Sister. And this my
Dear and true, Amphelia.
Come Mirida shall be thine, to day too.

Mir.
Hold Sir, I forbid that banes?

Phi.
Troth so do I too; you alwaies
Take the words out of my mouth.
You and I Marry kether.

Mir.
No faith, wee'l be hang'd first, I'de
Rather hear along Sermon, then
Hear a Person ask me, Mirida,
Will you have this man for your
Wedded Husband; to have and to hold.
From this day forward and so forth.

Phi.
Right, for better, for worse, in
Sickness, or in Health.

Mir.
I and perhaps after we have been
Married half a year with ones
Husband, falls into a deep Consumption,
And will not do one the favour to
Dye neither, then we must be
Ever feeding him with Caudle.
Oh from a husband in a Consumption,
Deliver me.

Phi.
And think how weary I shou'd be
Of thee, Mirida, when once we were
Chain'd together, the very name of
Wife, wou'd be a vomit to me, then
Nothing, but where's my wife, call
My wife to Dinner, call my wife to Supper,
And then at night, come wife will you
Go to Bed.

Mir.
I and that wou'd be so troublesome
To be call'd by ones husband every night
To go to Bed, Oh that dull, dull
Name of Husband.

Duke.
Indeed you two are well met,
The World has not two more such,
I am confident.

Mir.
The more the pitty Sir.

Phili.
No Sir, if you please, never propose
Marrying to us, till both of us have
Committed such faults as are death
By the Law, then instead of
Hanging us, Marry us.

Miri.
And then you shall hear how
Earnestly we shall Petition your
Highness to be hang'd rather then
Marryed.

Duke.
No man can judge which is the
Wildest of these two.
Now brave Arbatus, in all my Dukedome,
There is but one gift worthy thy
Receiving, and that's my Sister,
Here Sir take her as freely as Heaven
Gave her me.

Arba.
D'yee forgive me Sir,

Duke.
Or not my self Arbatus.
This day, Hymen shall light his
Torch for all.

Phi.
With your Pardon Sir, not for me
And my Female.

Mir.
No faith, I'le blow it out if he dos.

Arta.
Sir, thought in my own desires,
Shou'd have chose the man that
You have given me, yet I beg
We may not Marry yet, we have
Call'd Brother and Sister so long,
That yet needs must think we
Are so still.

Arba:
Pray Madam, let's think so as
Little a while as we can, that fancy
May not keep my joy in Prison.

Duke.
Let's to the Temple now, and there thank
Heaven for these unexpected Joyes.
Each day the gods shall lend me in this life;
I'le thank them for a Sister, and a Wife.

[Exeunt.