 | All Mistaken, or the Mad Couple |  |
ACT III.
Enter Amphelia going to the Prison.Amph.
How false a woman to all Eyes I seeme,
Because I still will hide my Constant Love;
This way I take will bravely break my heart,
To tell the Duke were sneekingly to dye,
25
With basest scornes he'd laugh my heart
To Death, such friendship to this Prisoner
I will shew, shall make the Duke beleive
My heart is there; to set him free
I'le use my utmost Art.—
Wou'd I cou'd do asmuch for this poor heart,
This way my Love with my designs complyes,
Thus one in Chaines, another's Chaines, unties;
I have made the Iaylor mine already,
By promising him these hundred Peeces,
'Tis now about the time I appointed
To be here.
Enter Iaylor.
Oh yonders the Iaylor expecting me,
Here Iaylor here's for thy honesty;
May the business be done now?
Iay.
O Madam never at a fitter time, take
You the Key and go into the Prisoner,
Whil'st I go see the passage cleare,
Stand you at the door, and when I beckon
To you, come away.
Amph.
Honest Iaylor.
Iaylor.
So now I am just ith' fashion, I have
Taken money to do her business, and
Instead of doing it, I have undone it.
26
Ortell.
Tis so Sir, the Jaylor has discover'd
All to me—here he comes.
Iay.
And please your Highness to stand
Close here, for the Lady Amphelia is
Now with the Prisoner; I have given
Her a Key to convey him through this
Private passage; assoon as I becken
To her she will come away with him.
[beckons them.
Amph.
Come Sir give me your hand, the Iaylor
Beckens me the way is clear.
Duke.
Hold Lady and your Love, we must shorten
Your journey a little.
Amph.
Ha? the Duke and Ortellus: I am betray'd,
Oh villain Iaylor.
Ortell.
Sir I fear we have interrupted them,
It may be they were going to be
Married ha, ha, ha.
Amph.
If I were, 'twas what I refus'd you
Ortellus, that makes you so Mad.
Duke.
Well Madam, if you have a mind to be
Married, a Priest shall not joyn your hands,
But you shall go both back to the
Prison, and the Iaylor shall tye you both
Hands and Leggs together.
Amph.
Know Sir a Prison with this brave
Gentleman, will be greater Paradice to
Me, then to be Mistris of your Pallace,
What do I say—
[aside.
Duke.
Well you shall have your desire then,
Yee shall Live together, and Dye together.
How cou'd I speake that word to her.—
(aside.)
Zo.
She dye, Sir; wou'd you destroy so great
A World of Vertue; Rather invent two
Deaths for me that I may dye for ner too.
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Treasure, to take away so blest a life
As her's, let not an Ax part such a
Head and Body, least Heaven frown, and
Call you Murtherer, you'l pull upon your
Head all Mankinds Curse, when Nature
See's her bounty thus rewarded, she'l
Turn a Miser, and will give no more
Such Blessings to the World as this
Fair Saint.
Duke.
Well Sir, I am satisfied yee like one
Another, so you shall both return back
To your straw Beds, there you may lye
As close together as you please.
Amphe.
No Sir, virtue shall lye betwixt us.
Duke.
You'l want a Pillow till you come both
To Execution, then you shall have one,
A Block to lay your Heads on.
Amph.
Know Duke, my head will rest better
With his on a Block, then with your's
On the softest Pillow.
How many lyes must I confess before I dye.
(aside.)
Duke.
Indeed you'l sleep pretty soundly.
See her scornes to me, makes death a pleasure
To her.—
(aside.)
My Lord give order that she may be
Brought immediately to her Tryal; in the
Mean time Iaylor take them you, into
Your Custody; lay'um in Shackles both.
Cozen many thankes to you for this
Timely discovery, I must leave you a while.—
[Exit.
Ortell.
Duke you shall have less to thank me for
Else I'me deceiv'd; I have found out he
Loves Amphelia still, so she dos him,
Now will I go possess Arbatus of this,
And tell him how the Duke intends to fool
His Sister; he has the Character of so
Strict a Brother, and so brave a spirit;
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Without the Dukes Blood, I'le joyn
With him and tell him how the business
May be done; by this; one of these
Three things, I shall have,
Either a Mistris, Dukedome, or a Grave.
Enter Arbatus and Artabella.
See here comes Arbatus and his Sister.
Artabella they talke very earnestly.
Arba.
Sister I do not like it, the Duke will
Fool yee.
Arta.
Indeed Brother I'me amaz'd at this delay?
Arba.
How dos he carry himself to you.
Arta.
With all respect imaginable.
Arba.
Then there must be somthing more in't,
That he deferrs his Marriage thus.
Ortell.
There is so Sir.
Arba.
My Lord harkenings but a base office,
But if you have heard it, 'tis no Treason;
Ortell.
No Sir, but it is Falsness in the Duke
To use your worthy Sister thus, I Came
To tell you upon my knowledge, he never
Intended to Marry her.
Arba.
My Lord though I beleive it, you must
Pardon me if I wonder at this information
From your Lordship, that is his
Near Cozen.
Ortell.
Sir you have the Character of so brave
A Gentleman, Conscience and Honour
Bids me discover this to you and your Sister:
Think of a way of being reveng'd, and
Here's my Hand and Heart to help you.
Arba.
Pardon me that I cannot thank you
Truly, because I needs must doubt
This offer from your Lordship.
29
What can I say to confirm you, will
The Word and Honour of a Gentleman do't.
Arba.
To me those are things of great value.
Ortell.
Then here I give them both.
Arba.
But what to do my Lord.
Ortell.
What you will.
Arba.
Perhaps you think I'de have you aske
Some place about the Court for me,
In Recompence of this Injury to my Sister
Ortell.
No Sir had you been such a person,
I shou'd not have trusted you thus far;
With what I have said, I say agen
I am your friend, if you doubt it, you
Wrong my Honour.
Arba.
Why then my Lord to be short, nothing
Will satisfy me, but the Dukes—
Ortell.
What
Arba.
Blood.
Ortell.
Why thou shalt have it all, if I can help
Thee too't, this night will I convey you
Privatly into his Bed-chamber, come along
With me and I will tell you all.—
[Exit.
Arba.
My Lord I follow you.—
Sister go you to your Chamber.
Arta.
O Brother, Heaven preserve you in this Danger.
Arba.
Now it comes into my head I need not
Doubt this Lords Truth, he is next Heir
To the Dukedome, if the Duke Dye without Issue.
Tis base in him the Dukes Life to pursue,
His blood is only to my Sister due.—
[Exit.
Arta.
False Duke thou justly hast deserv'd
Thy Death, to Cheat the Innocent is a
Double Crim, I had no cunning guard
About this heart, to keep it safe from a
Seduceing Tongue.
I have lost my heart which he by falsness woon,
How soon is Truth and Innocence undone—
[Exit.
30
Phili.
Pray remember the poor Prisoners;
Pray remember the Prisoners; well had
I not taken this course with the Regiment
Of women that I have promis'd to marry,
I shou'd have been devour'd by'um
By this time, they came just now into
My Chamber one by one, hoping to have
Found me alone, to have preach'd
Matrimony to me; but to my blest
Deliverance, no sooner one was
There but another came, so I perswaded
Them one by one, to slip up into a
Garret, so still as one knockt at
The door, the tother ascended, there
Have I secured them with this Key,
And there must I keep them till I
Have made Conditions with them.
Enter Mirida.
O here comes Mirida. Pray Remember
The poor Prisoners, pray remember
The poor Prisoners.
Mir.
Who the Devill's that, Philidor,
Phi.
The very same, my mettled Female,
Mir.
Why what mad Prank art thou
Playing now.
Phi.
Alas a day, I have great Cares upon
Me, I must provide meat for
Half a dozen Ladies, that shou'd have
Been my Spouses; Look up yonder
In that very Garret, for ought I
Know they must Dine and Sup at my
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Thus must I be their Cook every
Day, and beg their first and second Course.
Mir.
I am sorry to hear this, because 'tis
A wilder trick then I have done
Lately to any of my Lovers, Prethee
Lets go under the window and
Call to them.
Phi.
Come away you shall hear what
Vollies we shall have from the Castle.
Most excellent Amazonian Ladies look
Out, and behold your labouring Purvyor
What paines he takes to victle your
Castle, because he knows you must
Be long there.
Women looks out.
1 La.
Rogue.
2 La.
Rascall.
3 La.
Villain.
4 La.
Dogg.
5 La.
Slave
6 La.
Hel-hound.
Phi.
Methinks you represent the Hemisphear.
Because you are Enthron'd so high, your
Eyes appear like Stars to us poor
Mortalls here below.
1 La.
Villain if we had thee here, thou shou'dst
Find it Hell.
Mir.
Pray Ladies what make you so angry?
Methinks the Gentleman is your friend,
And has hope you neerer Heaven, then
Perhaps ever a one of you wou'd ever have been.
2 La.
What's that you say little Pissabed.
Mir.
Sweet Angels will never a one of you
Please to descend.
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Thou little Devil if we had thee here,
Wee'd throw thee down again with
Such a swing, that wee'd knock that
Rascals brains out with thy fall.
Mir.
Then angry Ladies I shall stay here,
See has not that Lady a very fair Nose
At this distance.
Philli.
Has not the tother there a mouth, that
When she opens it to scold, looks
Like a Giants Cave.
4. La.
S' life wee'l not be abus'd thus, here's
A Hercules Statue, let's throw it down
Upon their heads—
Mirida runs away, and meets Pinguister, and stops.
Enter Pinguister and Doctor.
Mir.
Hold Philidor, we shall have some new
Sport of my making now, here comes
My fat Lover, let us stand close and
Hear a little.
Ping.
Doctor, pray how many stooles
May I happily have this morning,
By this Purgation already taken by me.
Doct.
Doubtless one hundred Sir.
Ping.
Save me 'twill swing my Bumgut then,
But how much fat may it bring away.
Doct.
Peradventure half a dozen pounds.
Ping.
Love what dost thou make me do? but
Worthy Docterus, from what parts of
My continual Purg'd body is this store
Of fat extracted?
Doct.
Chiefly from your waste and Calves of your
Leggs.
Ping.
And how many Purges may make my
Wast and Leggs Calves, Alias Calves of
My Leggs delightful to her Eye Sir?
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Sir some ten Purges; that is to say
You must have 1000. stooles to drain
Your treasure of Fat totalliter from yee.
Ping.
Oh Love, Oh Mirida for thee I dayly
Purge. Ergo for thee I dayly Stink.
I find I must keep Company with the Beares,
That I may be able to endure my own stink the better.
Doct.
Come Sir I think you had best begin
To run your heates.
Ping.
Oh me, nothing cou'd e're a made a
Footman of me but Love; well I
Must put on my Pumpes.
Phi.
By this Light this is the Pleasant'st
Scene as e're I saw.
Ping.
Nay Doctor if you mean I shou'd run,
Lend me your hand to help
Me up.—
[puts on night Caps.
Now in the name of Love I most
Unwillingly start.
Phi.
S'death he runs like a Duke.
[he runs round and somtimes goes out to untruss.
Mir.
His stooles come very quickly upon him,
One after another.
Ping.
I must run with my Breeches in
My hand, my Purge visits my Bumgut
So intollerable often.
Doct.
Now Sir for a Cheerful Loose.
Ping.
By my heart Mr. Docterus I wonder at
Your Cruelty to aske a Cheerful Loose
Of me; am not I loos'd sufficiently
By your furious Purgations.
Enter Lean-man and his Taylor.
Mir.
Oh here comes my Lean Lover
Le. ma.
Taylor do I look Gross enough now.
Tayl.
Yes I'le assure you, you seeme very Corpulent,
Le. ma.
Well I am sure if thou hast not made
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Now have at Mrs. Mirida, sure my person
Will take her; why how now Cozen,
What makes you running a heat?
Ping.
I must not stop to speak with you, but come
Run by me and I will tell you; why I
See you know nothing, Mrs. Mirida has
A great kindness for me, but cannot
Marry me before I am leaner.
Le. ma.
She fools him, her kindness is for me,
And bids me make my self fatter before
We Marry.
Ping.
But pray Coze what makes you stuff
Your self so to appear big.
Le. ma.
Yes I do it to please Mrs. Miridas Eye,
She bid me.
Ping.
So she makes an Ass of him.
Le. ma.
Well I wont hinder you in your exercise
Farewell now I'le to Mrs. Mirida.—
[Exit.
Ping.
Good buy, Good buy.
Goods fith my Purge again, oh, oh, oh.
Enter Clown with a Cudgel and beates him in agen.
Clow.
A nasty Rogue, when a man's a sleep
To come and do it just in his Mouth.
I'le swindge yee.
Ping.
Oh hold good Sir, 'twas the violence of
My Physick, wou'd my Paunch were
Out if I saw you.
Phi.
Hold, what d'ye mean to beat a
Gentleman thus;
Clow.
Let him learn more manners then
Against next time.
Ping.
Oh Mrs. Mirida, I have been Purg'd
And beaten most Extreamly for your sake,
35
Mir.
That I cannot tell, but I have the
Measure in my Pocket of what compass
You were about when you first were
In love with me, and also the measure
To that you must fall before I marry you.
Here was your full bigness, which
Was three Yards about, let me see,
Oh you are fallen a yard.
Ping.
Well and wont you marry me then.
Mir.
That you'l see presently, for here's the
Measure must compass you about
Before I do, this wants a yard yet,
Ping.
Well and d'ye think its possible for me
Ever to become such a Grig as that
Measure will meet about me,
Why to do that, you must imbowell
Me, and then shave the remaining
Roules of Fat off from my melting Sides.
Doct.
Here pray Sir throw this Blanquet
about you, you'l catch your Death.
Ping.
Look you unreasonable Mistriss, thus
Am I fain to do every day, because I
Wou'd melt my self into a Husband for you,
You may hear my Guts at this time
Boylling within me, I'me confident they'l
Have the same fat as a Kettle full of
Black Puddings that are all boyl'd
And so broke.
Doct.
Come Sir you must needs go to Bed,
Ping.
That is to say, I must go Swim, for
That I do constantly in a Sea of Sweat.
Mir.
I pray Sir, I wou'd not for all the world
You shou'd miscarry.
Ping.
Indeed I look as if I were with Childe,
Lady, if you have any thoughts of going
To Heaven, have mercy on me.
Mir.
Farewell Garbage.
36
Oh heat, O fat, oh love, what will you
Do with me.—
[Exit with Doctor.
Phi.
Was here ever such sport as we have
Seen.
Mir.
Heaven send thee and I many a fair year,
To be mad together in.
Phili.
I as you say, give us but time enough,
And when we grow Tame, let the
Bell Tole for us; but stay let us return
Back to my Virgins, that I may
Make my Conditions with'um, before they
Get out of Prison.
Enter all Ladies and Bind'um.
S'death they are all got out already.
1 La.
Oh, have we met with you now, yee
Pair of Devils, wee'l lay you fast
Enough. So good night to you, lye there
Till we come again.—
[Ex. La.
Phili.
Pox on't was there ever such luck as this,
There was a Trap door in the Garret,
Which they found and got out at.
Mir.
What think you now of this daies sport,
Philidor?
Phi.
Plague on't, well enough, if they had
Not bound us back to back together,
We might have past away the time,
Malicious, Iades no way of brideling us,
But this, Prethee turn about thy
Head, and let us try if we can kiss
One another a little.
Mir.
No, no, we wont try for fear you
shou'd put your Neck out of joynt
With turning it too much of one side.
Phi.
Well, fortune shou'd be more carefull
Of Accidents of this Nature, and not
37
Enter Boy.
Phi.
Oh, here comes a Boy, here Sirra come
Hither.
Boy.
What say you Master?
Phi.
Here Prethee unbind us, I'le give
Thee a shilling.
Boy.
Why Sir, cant you unbind your selves?
Phi.
Simple Boy, thou seest we cant.
Boy.
And have you a mind to be unbound?
Phi.
Yes, yes, we are in great Torments,
To lye thus.
Boy.
Then Sir you shall give me a Peece
And your Hat, because I have never
A one, or else, farewell.
Phi.
Well stay, here take it out of my Pockets,
Boy.
Yes that I will do, before I unbind you,
And your Hat too.—
[Exit.
Phi.
The Rogue's to nimble for me.
Mir.
Well Philidor farewell, I must go
Put on a clean Handkercher?
Phi.
And I must go see if I can find
A beleiving Harberdasher, else I shall
Be very Cerimonious to every one I meet
[Exit.
Enter Fidler.
Mir.
A Fidle, nay then I am made again,
I'de have a dance if I had nothing
but my Smock on, Fidler strick up,
And play my Gigg, cal'd, I care not
A Pin for any man.
Fid.
Indeed I cant stay, I'me going to
Play to some Gentlemem.
38
Nay thou shalt stay but a little?
Fid.
Give me half a Crown then,
Mir.
I have no money about me,—
But here take my Handkercher.
[Dance and Exit.
| All Mistaken, or the Mad Couple | |